The Straw Hats watch the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy

by Inverted Descension

The Straw Hats need a break. Thankfully, they dock at Showreel Island, where they watch the story of how a noodle boy turned into the Dragon Warrior, found inner peace and became a Legend

2. KFP 1 Act One: Climbing the Mountain

The Straw Hats React to Kung Fu Panda

I do not own any of the properties discussed in this piece of non-profit fan-based material. Any trademarked materials are strictly the sole property of their respective owners. With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this reaction.

Note: Underlines indicate a narration, used in this chapter only, for the opening scene.

Act 1: Climbing the Mountain Top

The scene opens on a glorious sunrise stretching far over a barren landscape. The only thing disturbing the blanket of orange covering the ground was the Warrior, his identity hidden by a long, flowing robe and a wide brimmed hat. His only weapon? A plain staff and his own bodacious skills. A voice of the echoed through the air as the Warrior took deep strides across the pier to the local tavern.

"Legend tells of a legendary warrior, whose Kung Fu skills were the stuff of legend."

"Keep going, let's see how many more 'Legendaries' we can fit in there," Zoro chuckled whilst he took a swig of his complementary sake.

"He travelled the land in search of worthy foes". The Warrior peered towards the tavern; his eyes still obscured by the brim of his hat. He entered the hovel, only to be met with a thousand evil stares belonging to all manner of robbers, thieves and bandits. He sat at an open table, ordered some dumplings and began to eat silently.

"Goodness, this fellow has quite the backbone to sit down and eat amongst company like this, YOHOHOHO," said Brook.

Robin sighed, "I understand you have your idiosyncrasies Brook, but if you carry on doing the entire film, we will have problems."

"I'm very sorry ma'am", Brook spouted quickly knowing it would not be advisable to aggravate the archaeologist.

The Warrior was suddenly accosted from all angles by bandits both large and small. A particularly foolhardy ox stepped forward.

"I see you like to chew. Perhaps you should chew on my FIST!," he exclaimed, as he slammed his clenched hoof onto the table.

"The Warrior said nothing for his mouth was full. Then he swallowed."

"See Luffy, I don't who this guy is, but it's not that hard to not cause a fuss whilst eating," Usopp directed at his captain.

"And then he spoke:"

"Enough talk. Let's fight," the Warrior announced, "SHASHABOOEY!" Within the blink of an eye and in the blinding flash of golden light, the bandits were sent flying back by a single blow. Even more encroached from the left, but they too were no match for the Warrior's pure skill, as they were sent crashing through the tavern walls.

"Sorry Usopp, did you say something?," Luffy asked, so focused on the film that he was completely oblivious to anything that his friend had said.

"Nothing," Usopp relented, now knowing that he didn't have a leg to stand on anymore.

The Warrior effortlessly ducked underneath a simultaneous swing aimed at him from both sides, and quickly responded by flipping himself off the ground, and executing a perfect double split kick that sent his assailants careening backwards.

"He was so deadly in fact, that his enemies would go blind from overexposure to pure awesomeness."

Chopper immediately spat out his drink, his eyes flaring into glimmering sparkles of light, "He can WHAT?! That's so cool!", he proclaimed as he began rocking back and forth in his chair giggling.

The bandits fell to the floor, before they began to flail about blindly, their pupils had completely whitened over from the Warrior's prodigious display

"MY EYES," yelled a ninja cat.

"HE'S TOO AWESOME," shouted a bandit gator.

Luffy's eye's also ignited, but for him, it was in a shower of sparks. "Whoa! Did that weird hat guy just use Conqueror's Haki?"

"Weren't you listening? I was from overexposure to awesomeness." Sanji was quick to butt in. "That would mean that anyone who has Conqueror's Haki is awesome, and I know for a fact you aren't

"Yeah, I guess you're ri- HEY!" Luffy screamed at the chef in delayed anger.

The bystanders revealed themselves from their hiding places, their expressions of pure awe contrasting the terror experienced by the bandits.

"And attractive", a particularly smitten bunny added with the bat of her eyelids.

"How can we ever repay you?", added another grateful bunny with a small bow.

The Warrior whipped round the face the onlookers, his cape billowing spectacularly, giving him an almost ethereal appearance, "Do not worry, there is no charge for awesomeness… or attractiveness."

"Pft. And apparently there's no extra cost for modesty." Jimbei added.

"Modest, how? This just seems like a bunch of showboating." Zoro argued.

His ears prickled, sensing the arrival of more interlopers. "KABLOOEY!" Without warning, the roof exploded outwards into a plume of bandits, which ballooned outwards to more than triple the size of the tavern. In the centre of the cloud of dark fur and silver blades, the Warrior jumped between each foe and dispatched each of them with absurd ease. Every foe that he faced lead to another, using each bandit as an impromptu steppingstone to the next. The Warrior's attacks increased in both speed and intensity until he was nothing more than a white and black blur.

"It mattered not how many foes he faced. They were no match for his bodacity."

"That's not a word, but I don't care! It's all too SUPER!" Franky hollered striking his star pose with the enthusiasm of a thousand beaming suns, a fact that greatly annoyed everyone else, considering his hulking frame now blocked the Vis-Snail's projection.

"Hey! Simmer down back there you weirdo!" Zoro barked.

"Me, a weirdo? Y'all are too kind." The cyborg said before sitting back down.

From the mountain range to the left, the feared wolf army leapt in unison towards the Warrior, whilst from the peaks on the right the terrifying cat legion pounced as one, their collective numbers blotted out the sun. The two collective hordes merged together to form a giant effigy of their respective beasts; four arms of absurd size reached outwards towards the lone panda who simply hung in the air. Quicker than even the eye of a trained master could perceive, the warrior lashed out a lone paw, which burst into a fountain of light.

Usopp felt his jaw touch the floor as he stared at the unbelievable feat, "I don't think I've ever seen such control come from such a large body before. This guy is a warrior among warriors!"

The giant beasts were immediately felled, and the Warrior landed back on the dock leading up to the tavern. He outstretched his arm to catch his falling staff, as his many enemies began to fall into the river around him, like droplets of rain.

"And he even stuck the landing! That's just too cool!" the sniper continued.

"Never before had a panda been so feared… and so loved" the Warrior peered upwards towards the grand sight of the Jade Palace, a beacon of security for the citizens of the Valley of Peace, it sat imposingly atop the highest mountain in the region. In front of it's opulent gates stop five figures of differing species and sizes, though all were surrounded by a fiery aura. "Even the most heroic heroes in all of China, the Furious Five, bowed in respect to the great master".

"They're all Minks…?" Nami questioned. "I thought Zou was the Mink capital?"

"It is, but they can't be Minks. Minks can only ever be mammalian based in structure otherwise we wouldn't have been able to eat any meat back in Zou." Robin counterargued. "Only two of them are mammals, so this must be a completely new species."

The Five plummeted from their elevated perch towards the land below, their speed so great that they cracked the sound barrier, right before the ground splintered upon their impact. They bowed in front of the Warrior, who in turn provided a curt nod of approval. They immediately closed ranks before striking a pose.

"We should hang out," One of the five suggested, their brooding expression not faltering despite the poor timing of their question.

"Agreed", the Warrior acknowledged before they turned in unison towards their next enemy: An army of bandits numbering in the thousands, nay…tens of thousands.

The childish trio of Luffy, Usopp and Chopper started to foam at the mouth in excitement, an act which greatly disturbed everyone else present, who all merely raised an eyebrow at the increasing ridiculosity of events unfolding onscreen.

"But hanging out would have to wait. 'Cause when you're facing the ten thousand demons of Demon Mountain…" The newly formed team prepared themselves, as the warrior produced a glowing green sword from the sleeve of his robe, before sending out a mighty slash that cleaved through the heads of the enemy spears, allowing the kung fu masters to finally leap at the enemy. "There's only one thing that matters. And that's-

"Po! Wake up!"

"You'll be late for work."

"No, wait. What's going on here?" Zoro asked, immediately shaken.

The Warrior froze in mid-air and quickly fell into a black pit.

…

Po awoke with start on the floor of his bedroom, his blanket strewn about and barely able to cover his significant size. It had all been a dream.

The entirety of the audience, minus Robin, fell backwards in their chairs, in what could be interpreted as a practised comedic display from an outsider perspective.

"Did we just get punked?" They collectively howled, their fury outwardly manifesting as flames being expelled from their eyes. "REFUND!"

"No refunds are permitted at Needlepoint. Read the Term and conditions next time. Besides, how can I refund you guys if the tickets are free?" Lumiere voiced over an intercom snail in the corner of the room.

"So, you didn't all realise it was a dream?" Robin inquired, looking utterly perplexed.

"Po! Are you there?" came the unmistakeable voice of his father from downstairs. The panda sighed in profound dissatisfaction as he took in the room around him. Plastered along nearly every inch of his walls were pieces of kung fu memorabilia, souvenirs and, of course, posters of celebrated masters both living and dead. His improvised shuriken range had been gathering dust ever since his newfound malaise had begun to set in. Po allowed one final sigh before he attempted to flip himself to his feet. Attempted being the operative word as he flopped back down on his backside. He attempted again. Then again. Then one final time, but alas, his belly was far too worthy a foe.

"Come on man, I don't think that's going to work given your… current problem." Usopp voiced from the side.

"Having an excess of skin is not a problem Usopp! Although you'd never be able to guess looking a me! YOHOHOHO!" Brook jovially rebutted.

"Are theatres supposed to be this loud?" Franky asked, taking a sip from a fresh cola he produced from his chest.

"Po, what are you doing up there?" The attempts must have caused more noise than he thought as the authoritative voice sounded out again.

"Uh, nothing." The panda responded sheepishly before swiftly hoping to his feet and heading over to his windowsill to face his pride and joy: His limited edition Furious Five action figures.

"Hi-ya! Monkey! Mantis! Crane! Viper! Tigress!" Po called each one out and posed in sequence before growling at the figures in fit of pure spontaneity, as if he were a great beast that the figures would somehow come to life and dispatch.

Unfortunately, in his stupor, Po had completely missed the presence of the elderly, neighbouring pig watering her flowers. She stared at Po as if he had just committed a war crime and was completely stupefied. Po laughed awkwardly before he ducked out of sight.

"HAHAHA!" Zoro burst out in a rare laughing fit "This is just like the time I caught the Cook practicing pick up lines in the communal mirror. He was really getting into it too."

"You Algae-haired bastard! Why would you tell everyone that!" Sanji growled, before attempting to smother the swordsman with his black shoe-covered foot. His face flushing in equal amounts of embarrassment and rage.

"Wait?! Really?" Luffy and Usopp chorused before descending into their own laughing fits.

"I'M GONNA KILL ALL THREE OF YOU!" the cook screamed in response.

"Po let's go, you're late for work!," the panda's father's voice sounded a final time. Now there was no room for argument in its tone.

"Coming!" the man-child yelled in response before picking a shuriken of the floor and throwing it at a target painted on his wall. It bounced off and he tried to get it to stick a few more times before eventually relenting and rushing downstairs. In his haste, Po missed a step and was sent tumbling down the stairs before his face was harshly planted on the kitchen floor. Before he had a moment to gather himself, a panda shaped shadow loomed over him.

"Sorry, Dad" Po mumbled into the dirty kitchen floor.

"Sorry doesn't make the noodles", voiced a beaked head that poked out from behind a bear shaped mass of pots and pans. This was the humble noodle maker, Mr Ping, who, surprisingly, was also a goose.

"His Dad's a bird? Ouch; I don't even wanna think about what the Momma had to go through to lay the egg that made HIM." Luffy said, cringing at the thought of the hypothetical goose.

"Wha-? No, you moron, that's-" Nami started, completely guffawed by the sheer idiocy of the statement.

"Shh, Nami! I'm trying to watch!" The captain said immediately silencing the ginger haired woman, who responded with a growl of frustration.

Po immediately got to work in the kitchen, beginning to wash some vegetables, as his head made vicious contact with the support beam connected to the ceiling, that did not seem to accommodate someone of his… stature.

"What were you doing up there, all that noise?" Mr Ping inquired placing the large stack of pans into the corner of the shop.

"Oh, nothing just a crazy dream," Po responded as if he was on autopilot.

"About what?"

"Kung Fu Shenanigans. Fighting an entire army, with nothing but your skills and your will to be the manliest guy around", Chopper psyched himself up by morphing into his Kung Fu Point and performing a few moves on his seat. Contrary to his intention of looking impressive, everyone just thought it looked rather adorable.

"Huh?"

"What were you dreaming about?" the goose asked as he began to chop at some spring onions with practiced grace.

"What was I…? Uh… I was dreaming about…" Po stumbled for the correct words as he saw the expectant goose's expression. He couldn't bring himself to tell the truth and, impulsively, he looked at the bowl he was preparing to serve one of the customers, "Uh… noodles."

"That was quite possibly the worst misdirect I've ever seen. And I've seen Luffy." Usopp commented.

"That's quite rich coming from you, Mr. '8000 Men'," Franky coughed through his gigantic fist.

"I heard that!"

Mr. Ping stopped half-chop, before his small eyes began to widen in subdued exultation, "Noodles? You were really dreaming about noodles?"

"Uh, yeah, what else would I be dreaming about?" Po caught himself and ran with the lie, as he absentmindedly handed one of the patrons a bowl… a bowl that he realized, at the last minute, had his shuriken sitting inside. "Careful, that soup is… sharp!"

"Absolutely unbelievable", Sanji muttered, cringing at Po's clear disregard for cooking.

"I know, he didn't even try to hide it. With it just sitting on top, there's no way he'll be able to covertly take out his target." Robin commented, her past experiences as an assassin clearly coming to the forefront.

"Ah, Robin my sweet. You're so radiant, even when contemplating bloody murder." The cook swooned his eyes assuming a cartoonish heart shape.

Mr Ping on the other hand couldn't seem to care less about the potential harm to his customers as he began to happily prance around the kitchen before rummaging through one of the lower draws and producing an apron and a noodle hat. "Oh, happy day! My son, finally having the noodle dream!" He tied the apron around Po's waist before handing him the hat. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for this moment. This is a sign Po!"

The panda in question chuckled nervously, "Dad, Dad, Dad, it was just a dream."

"No, it was the dream. We are noodle folk. Broth runs through our veins." As the goose was talking to his son he started to hand out orders to the customers without even looking at the recipients.

"That sounds really dull. And painful. Imagine actually having broth run through your veins." Jimbei said bluntly.

"Oh, it is. Broth Flow, on Soup Island in the South Blue, claims hundreds of lives every year. It's no laughing matter." Chopper cheerfully informed the helmsman, who simply stared back with a look of pure confusion, then of horror as he began to scratch at his scales.

"But Dad, didn't you ever want to do, I dunno, something else? Something besides noodles?" Po asked in an attempt to steer his father into a more amenable position.

"Well actually, when I was young and crazy, I once thought about running away from home and learning how to make tofu." Mr Ping reminisced as he began to chop through more vegetables.

"Ugh, that's disgusting! Demon cheese!" Luffy yelled out, his love for all things food clearly not extending the plant-based alternative

"So why didn't you?" Po pressed, perhaps a little harder than he initially intended.

"Oh, because it was a stupid dream." Po cringed at the finality of the statement. "I mean can you imagine me making tofu?" The elderly noodle show owner chuckled at the thought before harshly throwing his knife into the chopping board.

The entire crew felt their blood freeze. Giving up on your own dreams was bad enough, but dismissing all aspiration entirely, as stupid, was something they could not abide by. To them a dream was sacred, as important to life as sleep or food. Needless to say, none of them were sold on the overbearing goose.

"No. we all have a place in this world. Mine is here. Yours is-"

"I know here." Po finished a wave of exasperation rolling over him.

"No, it's at tables two, five, seven and twelve," Ping corrected him as he began to throw numerous filled soup bowls at his son, who moved quickly to intercept, precariously balancing them on his arms. He then walked up to his son an rearranged his pudgy face into an over-exaggerated grin, "Service with a smile!"

Po's forced expression lasted for only a second after his dad turned away. He allowed a sigh to escape him before a gong sounded over the valley. He turned upwards to face it's source: the Jade Palace, standing as an omnipresent beacon of security for the citizens. No one knew what happened inside it's prestigious halls, and if anyone did, it sure wouldn't be him.

"I've never seen a place like this before. Massive mountains, non-animal people, not a drop of water in sight. I'm a little weirded out." Usopp commented, not fully comprehending the setting.

"Always so tied down to rationality, my dear friend. Enjoy what's in front of you, especially if it's new. Also stop making noise, I'm trying to watch." Brook answered, before letting out an abhorrent belch as a result of his soda.

"You're making more noise than I am, you pig!"

…..

The morning wind was calm inside the Jade Palace's courtyard, the sweet scent of peaches hanging on the air. The picture of serenity was complemented perfectly by the tone of a flute emanating from beneath the tree in front of the Training Hall. Its source was an old red panda wearing a red robe who seemed to focus on nothing but the flow of time and the steady tune he produced. The peace was not to last, however, as dark shapes gathered in the tree and bushes nearby, all whilst the red panda continued, seemingly oblivious.

"My goodness, it seems like Chopper's grandfather is about to be killed. Still, he looks like he's already at the end of his rope. Maybe they'll make it quick."

Chopper fumed at the comment, "Okay, first, why is that the first thing that comes to your mind seeing an elderly man about to get jumped? Secondly, I a R! How is that so difficult to understand? He doesn't even have antlers!"

At once, five figures exploded from the undergrowth and pounced on the elderly mammal, who immediately jumped to his feet and began to weave through the multitude of attacks with an absurd ease. First a paw, a tail and then a wing were all deflected at the last second, the red panda, now using the flute as an impromptu staff began to snap out at his attackers, as be continued to dodge the lightning fast attacks. With a single parry, he pushed the attackers to their knees, and spun in the flute in his hand around his back. The attackers rolled into defensive positions, ready for their next move.

"Whoa, that was fast!" Luffy exclaimed, suddenly sitting upright in his seat.

"Yeah, but we've seen much faster," Zoro counterargued.

"Sure, but the gramps there didn't even use a Devil Fruit power, or that Shave thingy the CP9 guys used. That was all him."

"Huh, guess you're right. Maybe this is getting interesting after all."

"Well done students…" all parties immediately assumed a ready stance, whilst trying to restrain their laboured breaths.

"… if you were trying to disappoint me." The elder used his flute to point to each of his students in turn, "Tigress, you need more ferocity. Monkey, greater speed. Crane- height. Viper- subtlety. Mantis-."

"Ugh, a slavedriver. This isn't looking good." Franky groaned, slumping back in his seat.

"It's just a little disciplining. It's not so bad." Nami said.

"Said the slavedriver." The shipwright commented, only to receive an empty popcorn bucket to the head.

"YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME PUNK?!"

"Master Shifu?," a new voice sounded from his rear. Shifu whipped around to face it's source, pointing his flute outward like a weapon. It was only Zheng, the duck responsible for the messaging in and out of the palace.

"What?" Shifu asked, an impatient edge in his voice.

"I-I bring a message from Master Oogway. He wants to see you." The Duck stammered by the Kung Fu master's tone. He was even more surprised when Shifu wordlessly flitted off faster than his eyes could track.

"What's an Oogway?" Sanji asked.

"Well, these are all Kung Fu practitioners and he's a Master. So, I'd wager he's a Kung Fu Master." Jimbei responded with a thoughtful grin.

"Yeah, thanks for that." The cook rolled his eyes, at the incredibly unhelpful answer.

…..

Shifu ran past the palace guards so rapidly that they didn't even notice that he was there at all. Admittedly, it was because they were all on break, but few could keep up with the Kung Fu Master even when they had received training. With deceptive strength, he kicked open the doors to the Hall of Heroes and sprinted towards the Moon Pool at its far end.

The lanterns had all been extinguished. Instead, the chamber was lit by a large circle of hundreds of candles, which all produced an ominous green glow. Shifu skidded to a halt before the pool, before bowing and composing himself.

"Master Oogway. You summoned me. Is something wrong?"

Shifu raised his head to see a tortoise shell balancing on a thin, long staff tipped with a natural crescent shape. Oogway, the shell's owner, began to climb down, slowly, and effortlessly from his perch.

"Kung Fu Master? This guy looks like he sneezes dust." Luffy commented on the elderly Master, as he picked his nose.

"When are you gonna realise: 'Don't underestimate olde people'! Remember Rayleigh?" Usopp interrogated.

"Yeah…"

"And the blind Navy Guy?"

"Yeah…"

"Your Grandpa?" Usopp raised his eyebrow, as if he was trying to snake his way under his captains skin.

"Alright, I guess old people are kinda cool." Luffy pouted, before crossing his arms.

"HEY! WHY AM I NOT ON THAT LIST?" Brook half screamed; half cried at his younger crewmates.

"Why must something be wrong for me to see my old friend?" The elderly reptile spoke in a methodical and calm pattern of speech as he gently sauntered over to the candles.

"So… nothings wrong?" The red panda asked with a slight air of caution. He had come to expect the unexpected whenever he spoke with his old Master.

"Well, I didn't say that." Oogway said before he pursed his lip and with, what looked like, significant effort, blew out a single candle.

"Then why bring him here?" Nami asked completely taken aback, and more than a little confused.

Then another.

Then another.

He finally turned to face his pupil.

Before blowing out another.

"I immediately take back everything I said earlier. This has gotta be the exact opposite of interesting." Zoro moaned, whilst cupping his face in his hands.

Shifu's eye twitched in manic disbelief. With impressive speed he shot out his fist, the air current left behind from his strike powerful enough to instantly extinguish the thousands of remaining candles.

"You were saying?" He said with a minor hint of aggravation.

"Oh, thank God." Nearly everyone in the theatre sighed with profound relief.

Oogway's expression noticeably fell, "I have had a vision: Tai Lung will return."

The instant the words left his Master's mouth, Shifu felt a weight enter his stomach. Brief, impressionistic flashes of a terrifying snow leopard, with piercing yellow eyes, clawed their way into his mind. He took a deep, shallow gasp.

The trio of Usopp, Nami and Chopper immediately shrank into their seats at the sight of the horrific beast of a Kung Fu Master.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" they collectively hollered.

"That is impossible! He is in prison!" The younger Master asserted firmly.

"Nothing is impossible." Oogway's response was terse, but it offered no chance of argument.

"Zheng!" Shifu barked for the messenger, who arrived within moments. "Fly to Chorh-Gom Prison and tell them to double the guards, double the weapons. Double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison!"

"Whoever he is the guy must be a pretty big deal if they're going this far just for him." Franky commented.

"Meh," Luffy, Zoro and Sanji responded simply, not caring even a single iota about someone they had not seen in action.

"Understood, Master Shifu!" The duck stammered. He took off into the air, clumsily hitting one of the Hall's columns, before regaining control and fluttering off prison-ward.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." Oogway muttered, more to himself than anyone else, as he turned towards the Moon Pool and gazed deeply into its waters.

"Oddly profound for an animated film." Robin noted, before recording the phrase in her journal for later use.

"I'm of the mind that animation is creative medium and not simply a genre which you can label unilaterally." Jimbei said.

"It's adorable that you can still hold onto that belief at your age Jimbei."

"HEY!"

Shifu began to pant and shake deeply as he rushed back to Oogway, "W-we have to do something! We can't just let him march on the Valley and take his revenge! He'll, He'll-"

Oogway silenced the red panda by placing his arm on his shoulder and directing his vision towards the pool's surface, "Your mind is like this water, my friend. When it is agitated, it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear."

The aging tortoise lightly tapped the water's surface with the apex of his staff, calming the once rippling surface instantly. The now clear reflection revealed an ornate golden statue of an Eastern dragon, clinging to the ceiling of the hall. In it's mouth rested a green and red scroll, decorated with golden inlay.

"Hubba-hubba, big dragon statue. That'd look magnificent over the mirror back on the Sunny." Nami drooled at the sight of the decorative dragon holding the scroll in place, her eyes somehow forming perfect Berri signs.

"I don't think it's the statue. What's that going to do to an enraged, snow leopard psycho?" Chopper reasoned, trying to break Nami out of la-la land.

"Shh, you're disturbing it's majesty."

"And you're disturbing me."

Shifu lightly gasped in realisation as he looked upwards at the statue proper, "The Dragon Scroll."

"It is time." said Oogway.

"But who? Who is worthy to posses the secret to limitless power? To become… the Dragon Warrior?" Shifu asked.

A pregnant pause filled the air.

The entire crew leaned in expectantly, all of them holding their breaths…

"I don't know," Oogway responded as if the answer was obvious.

…The entire crew, minus Robin, then fell face forward, before gesturing aggressively towards the screen, "THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE SOUND ALL MYSTERIOUS ABOUT IT, YOU OLD COOT?"

…..

The orders were coming in fast back at the Ping Family Noodle shop, as Po struggled to balance the noodle bowls lined on his arms with the speed at which they needed to be delivered. Next was table six which, unfortunately, was stationed beyond the small valley of the tables directly in front of him. With all the grace of an earthquake, he began to shimmy his way forward, whilst making sure that the bowls on his arms retained their equilibrium.

"Hey, watch it Po!" a particularly aggrieved pig voiced, as he angled his bowl away from the panda's girth, as it threatened to knock his meal clean off the table.

"This guy…" Sanji seethed. There was nothing that aggravated him more than poor table hygiene. Well nothing except discourteous behaviour towards a lady, or that time he found Luffy using one of his blazers to mop up some juice he spilled all over the kitchen.

"Oh, sorry. C'mon, suck it up-" Po told himself, before taking in a mighty breath to suck in his gut.

Unfortunately, in the attempt, his tail puff had unfortunately found itself stuck into a rabbit family's shared soup. The two bunny children began to shriek in horror at the sight.

"And it keeps on getting worse…" Usopp cringed in second-hand embarrassment.

"Shishshishi. This guys a riot!" Luffy giggled before stuffing his expanding mouth with more popcorn.

"Oops, sorry. A thousand pardons…" Po stammered before moving to free himself from the gap, only to cause more damage. As he moved to keep the noodle bowls in check, a gong sounded in the distance. The panda turned his head to see a detachment of Jade Guards affixing a poster to the wall of the restaurant.

"What?!" Po ran over to the poster, his eyes widening as he saw the logo of the Furious Five emblazoned across it. Incalculable joy spread throughout his entire being. "Master Oogway's choosing the Dragon Warrior! Today!"

"I've never heard of society that chooses their own Chosen One. Back in my day, if you wanted to be a warrior you had to work yourself down to the bone – I mean look at me I'm a shining example! YOHOHOHO!" Brook cheerfully howled.

"Thanks for the history lesson, Grandpa" Zoro grumbled.

He immediately set down the noodle bowls and began to corral the customers out of the restaurant, "Everyone! Everyone! Go, get to the Jade Palace! One of the Five is gonna get the Dragon Scroll!

Ping poked his head out from behind the counter to view the commotion, as his son continued to usher the patrons outside, even going as far as to forced soup down one pig's throat, whilst completely ruining the progress of a bunny performing his taxes. "We've been waiting a thousand years for this! This is the greatest day in Kung Fu history! Don't worry about it, just go!" The young panda began to follow them until-

"Po! Where are you going?"

"Oh, come on! Rip off that band aid!" Franky yelled, his exasperation now on full display.

The noodle boy struggled to hide his disappointment, as he started to inch slightly out of the door, "To the- Jade Palace?..."

"But you're forgetting your noodle cart," Ping said as he rolled in a heavy-looking cart, stocked to the brim with foodstuffs. "The whole Valley will be there, and you'll sell noodles to all of them!" The goose exclaimed with a worrying level of enthusiasm, given the topic.

"Oh man, I could go for some noodles right about now." Luffy's stomach rumbled, despite the fact that he had just finished gorging himself on his third bucket of snacks.

"Selling noodles?" Ping nodded happily, creating a small pain in Po's chest. "But Dad, I was thinking maybe I-"

"Yeah?" Ping continued to beam with pride at his son.

"I was thinking maybe I…"

"Uh-huh?"

"…Could also sell the bean buns. They're about to go bad." Po finally faltered under the weight of his father's smile and the guilt that it instilled.

"NO!" Franky screamed, banging his head into the row of chairs in front of him.

"Wow, he's such a flake." Luffy commented.

"What's a bean bun?" Chopper asked.

"Steamed buns, filled with read bean paste, Good for a snack or dessert." Sanji said.

"Oh, can we-" Luffy started.

"No." The chef said bluntly.

"That's my boy!" Ping exclaimed as he walked back into the shop, "I told you that dream was a sign!"

"Yeah, heh-heh-heh," Po's head fell as he started to pull the cart out of the shop, "Glad I had it."

…..

Few visited the Jade Palace regularly, and fewer still entered it's halls. A minor reason for this was that only Masters and Palace staff were permitted to regularly enter. The more prominent one was that it sat atop the largest mountain in the valley. Not many people wanted to traverse the dreaded Thousand Steps leading up to the Palace Arena, but unfortunately it was what the wide-eyed Po needed to traverse. The panda gulped and began to, with great effort, slowly haul the heavy noodle cart up the steps.

"There's a mountain. And then there's wherever THAT is" Usopp said.

"I'm pretty sure that's still a mountain, Usopp." Luffy responded, completely missing the point.

"That's not what I- ARGH!" Usopp held himself back from choking his captain.

Sometime later, Po began to heave in exhaustion, dropping onto the steps. He angled his head downwards to see how far he had gotten… only to find that he had barely made it up 10.

"What?! NO! Oh, come on!" Po flopped onto his back in despair, before two pig brothers walked past him.

"That's not even ten steps! Do you even want to see this 'Dragon Warrior' thing or not?" Nami barked.

"Sorry Po. We'll bring you back a souvenir." The pigs stifled a snicker before hauling trotter up the mountain.

Po was left on the steps, before the gears in his mind began to turn. "No, I'll bring me back a souvenir," he declared, before casting off his noodle hat and apron, leaving the noodle cart behind and racing up the mountain as quickly as his stubby legs would allow.

"AW yeah! Finally ditching all that weird noodle stuff and going to that SUPER festival! Can't wait!" Franky said, performing a little jig.

…..

On top of the mountain, Shifu was sorting through the final inventory for the ceremony. He heard the guards whispering about Master Oogway, turning to see the elderly tortoise himself slowly limping down the stairs. The Red Panda allowed himself an uncharacteristic smile.

"It is a historic day-isn't it, Master Oogway?"

"Yes, and one I feared I would not live to see." The Kung Fu Master rejoiced at the celebration surrounding him. "Are your students ready?"

"Yes, Master."

Oogway smiled warmly, before leaning down to face his contemporary, "Now know this, old friend. Whomever I choose will not only bring peace to the Valley, but also to you."

"What does that mean?" Jinbei asked.

"Perhaps it could be alluding to some potential familial trauma that has gone unattended and festered for years." Robin theorized.

"As if? The only thing that old Tanuki has ever fathered have been all the laughing lines he's got."

The words left Shifu speechless as his old Master strolled along and, as per usual, left him with more questions than answers. After a few seconds, he rushed off after him as the crowd roared with excitement. At the same time a pig announcer approached the main courtyard with a gong in hand

"Let the tournament begin!" he proclaimed before giving the gong a weighty strike, letting the sound reverberate to the cheers of the crowd.

Outside, Po had finally reached the summit and allowed himself a brief moment of celebration, with a customary fist pump. His joy was short lived however as he turned to see the entrance gates beginning to close right in front of his eyes.

"Celebrate later. Get in the entrance now, you weirdo!" Sanji yipped at the panda.

"No no no no, I'm coming!" Po shouted at the top of lungs as he rushed for the door, only for his face to meet directly with seven inches of solid oak, causing him to faceplant directly to the ground. "Ow."

"Sonuva…" Chopper rubbed his nose harshly, experiencing a flare of phantom pain.

The musical accompaniment for the tournament immediately flared up as Po shot up to his feet.

"Hey, open the door!" Po's yells were easily drowned out by the rapping of the drums in the courtyard, "Let me in!"

"Pfft." The more immature members of the audience retrained a giggle at the comedic display of the Panda trying to get the attention of anyone inside.

"No door guards. I suppose the budget for this tournament mush have been reallocated elsewhere." Robin noted.

"Citizens of the Valley of Peace!" Po's ears perked up, hearing the unmistakable voice of THE Master Shifu coming from the courtyard. Observing the wall in front of him, he found a small circular window, before grabbing it and slowly pulling himself up to get a view inside. "It is my great honour to present to you… Tigress! Monkey! Crane! Viper! Mantis! The Furious Five!

Po laughed in delight as his lifetime idols leapt from the top of the palace, performing a dazzling display of flips and kung-fu skills before striking a mighty pose.

"SO COOL!" The youngest members of the crew cheered in profound delight.

"SO SUPER!" Franky hollered, striking his signature pose.

"Such grace and coordination. These guys were clearly trained very well. I can't imagine why Shifu would've had any issue with their performance earlier." Jimbei commented, gently stroking his beard.

"Possessing a degree of skill is no excuse to not improve." Zoro said from the side.

"Well said."

Master Crane finished off the display with a powerful flap of his wings, causing a mighty gust that whipped past the audience… and slammed the window shut directly in Po's face, knocking him back on the ground.

Not one to be defeated easily, Po immediately began searching for another spot to spectate from. "Oh, a peeky-hole!" He noticed a small sliver in the entrance doors and placed his eye in front of it, gaining a semi-decent view of Crane facing a deadly machine with dozens of flaming arrows protruding from it's surface, begging to be set loose on a target.

"Whoa! The Thousand Tongues of Fire!" Po laughed in pure anticipation as Crane got into a ready stance.

"I can't handle it, Chopper it's just too cool…" Usopp breathed heavily, "If I don't make it, find my grandchildren and let them know I love them." The sniper collapsed, emphatically, into his chair.

"NO! Usopp! We need a doctor here now! Oh wait…" The reindeer knocked himself in the head before slapping the long-nosed liar awake.

"Whoa, look at that!" an exhilarated spectator budged in front of Po's hole, blocking off his line of sight completely.

"Hey, get out of the way!" The panda shouted in frustration; however these pleas were completely drowned out by the thunderous roar of the Tongues finally being fired. Po stepped back to get a better look at the Crane's showcase, now far above the walls of the courtyard, to witness the Kung Fu Master getting prepared for the fight.

Unfortunately, in his stupor, he neglected to remember his foot placement, falling back down the steps once again. Po scrambled to get to the top once more, only to sigh in disappointment after discovering he had completely missed the display.

"Wow, I thought Pandas were supposed to be good luck." Nami said.

"Oh Nami. You're thinking of Magpies. You're so cute, even when you're thinking of the wrong species." Sanji swooned in his response.

"Cute? One them's a bird." Zoro grunted.

"I didn't ask you, one-eye." Sanji snarled in response.

The panda's despondency lasted only a second as he slammed his fist onto the top step, a look of pure determination now flashing across his chubby features.

First, he attempted to punch down the entrance door with a simple Kung Fu strike. The only thing that resulted from this was a cracked knuckle and a small "Ow" from the panda.

"Good first attempt, but you've gotta move your whole body into the strike." Luffy commented, following up with an imitation of the move for reference.

"THAT WON'T WORK ON A DOOR MORON!" Nami followed up, clearly having a much different opinion on the first attempt.

Secondly, he attempted to pole vault over the wall, only for his weight to cause his implement to bend backwards, until it suddenly went taught again, sending him flying into the wall with a painful smack.

"HOW IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?! Brook shouted incredulously. Not having any muscle-mass had certainly alienated him to the peculiarities of certain… weight classes.

Thirdly, he pulled down a grove of bamboo shoots, before tying them to a rock. Once enough tension had been built he cut the rope holding the shoots down, only to be puzzled by a lack of any movement. He got off the makeshift catapult to check, only for the grove to spring up and whack him on the nose, before the elastic potential caused the shoots to hit him back on a rebound.

"The universe must really not want him to get into this tournament." Jimbei said, whilst Robin giggled at the comedic shenanigans unfolding onscreen.

After many more attempts, Po sat dejectedly on the top step, awkwardly twiddling his thumbs.

"Oh, come on, you can't give in now. You've got so many other options to explore. So many more convoluted ways that'll inevitably result in bodily harm." Sanji sniggered cruelly.

"And now… Master Tigress!" Shifu's voice boomed over the roar of the crowd. Po immediately jumped to his feet and began to hurriedly search for another way to climb the wall. He looped a length of role around a nearby tree and pulled it back, intend on using it as a makeshift catapult.

"Believe me when I say citizens, you have not seen anything yet." Shifu continued, unaware of the cruel irony in his words.

"I KNOW!" Po yelled, out of frustration more than anything else.

"This can only end well." Usopp paled, quickly realising Po's plan.

"Master Tigress will be facing the Iron Ox and his Blades of Death!"

"Blades of Death? Say no more, you have my attention." Zoro grinned, finally showing some interest in the tournament.

Within the Palace Courtyard the titular Tigress began readying herself to face her opponent, a massive, six-armed Ox effigy, complete with a battle axe in each hand. The attendees were so completely enthralled by the display, no one noticed Po suddenly shooting above the Palace gate, having been catapulted by the tree. The panda screamed in excitement upon having caught a glimpse before he was slammed into the top of the gate and sent careening into a firework cart left unattended out in the front.

"You've gotta admire his enthusiasm, even just a little bit." Franky said.

"From personal experience, there's a very fine line between persistence and blind idiocy." Nami sighed.

Back in the arena, Oogway fell silent, before closing his eyes and raising his palm. "I sense the Dragon Warrior is among us."

Shifu responded by giving a slight nod to the Five; the remaining members of which joined Tigress in the middle of the arena. The group collectively positioned themselves in a line in front of the Masters.

"Citizens of the Valley of Peace! Master Oogway will now choose… the Dragon Warrior!" Shifu proclaimed loudly to the audience, who cheered with the force of at least ten earthquakes. Po on the other hand, had a very different reaction:

"What? No! Wait!" Po stumbled trying to get out of the cart before he noticed its contents. "Yeah…"

Inside the arena, Oogway began to slowly approach the Five, his palm swaying in the air as he prepared to make a decision. Outside, Po worked to attach the fireworks from the cart onto a chair that had previously been resting against the wall.

"Okay, forget idiocy. This has to fall under suicidal ideation." The orange-haired navigator was suddenly very tempted to fly into another of her trademark blind rages.

"What? How?" Luffy questioned.

Come on, Luffy. What would you do with a cart full of fireworks?" Usopp questioned.

Oh! I always wanted to throw a big firework, meat party. The guys back on Windmill never let me near 'em though."

"Somehow you've made me both worried, and surprised at the same time. Guess I should've seen that coming.

Once he was sure that they were secured properly, Po sat on the chair and lit each of the fuses, giggling maniacally all the while.

"Okay, that is a way better idea! This Panda's awesome!" Luffy laughed at the idea.

"Ugh." Nearly every other member of the crew shared a single unanimous thought.

"Po!" The panda in question immediately froze as he saw his father appear at the top of the stairs, "What are you doing?!" Ping rushed forward, making frantic breaths in an effort to extinguish all of the fuses.

"What does it look like I'm doing?!" Po swatted away his father from the chair, "No! Stop! I'm going to see the Dragon Warrior!"

"But I don't understand. You finally had the noodle dream." Ping looked distraught as he opened his wings in an attempt to reconcile with his son.

"I lied. I don't dream about noodles Dad." The gooses eyes widened in shock, as Po viewed the fuses progress, seeing that it was almost out. He braced himself and yelled to the heavens: "I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUUUUuuuuu…"

Po opened his eyes to find that he was still on Terra firma. The firework had turned out to be a dud. Loosing balance, he promptly fell, face first, onto the pavement, the chair still stuck to his rear. He began to let out a miniature sniffle, defeated at last.

"I'm supposing that wasn't the intended effect?" Robin asked.

"No, the intended effect would've been so much more SUPER!" Franky responded gleefully.

"And significantly more painful."

"No pain, no gain." Zoro chipped in, speaking from a plethora of experience.

"Come on, son. Let's get back to work." Though sympathetic, Ping was clearly taken aback. He offered the only Olive branch he could: The apron and hat.

Po sighed. Seeing no other option, he resigned. "Okay."

The soon-to-be permanent noodle boy, began to pick himself, before, without warning, the fireworks finally ignited, propelling the poor panda directly into the gate walls.

"Po!" the noodle shop owner yelled after his son, who was getting his face squashed by a combination of the fireworks push, and the wall's immovability. "Come back!"

"HOW IS HE GONNA COME BACK YOU OLD GEEZER? HE'S STRAPPED TO A ROCKET CHAIR!" Nami, Usopp and Sanji collectively howled at the screen.

Without warning, the chair changed direction, sending Po screaming into the sky in a display of explosive delight.

The crowd gasped and gaped, whilst Po continued ever upward. At the apex of his flight, the chair disintegrated, leaving the young panda all by himself as began to plummet back down to the earth. He hit the centre of the arena before his world faded to black.

…..

Po awoke sometime later, his vision blurry and obscured by a crowd of faces all peering down on him. "Where am-?", he blurted out groggily before turning to see a black claw inches from his face. "What are you point…?"

The panda shook his head, allowing for his vision to clear, seeing that he had landed right in front of Master Oogway. To make matters worse, he realized that he had fallen directly between Oogway and the Five, interrupting the selection process.

"This panda, must have some unusual sort of durability to be able to survive at this." Jimbei said.

"It must be all that extra skin. I will admit to being a tad jealous." Brook responded, a single tear falling down his eye socket.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was."

"How interesting." Oogway peered at the panda in front of him, as if he were inspecting a half-finished work of art.

Tigress stepped forward. "Master are you pointing at.. me?" She questioned hopefully.

"Him," the elderly tortoise responded simply.

"Wait hold on… You can't mean…" Sanji stuttered, unable to comprehend the thoughts flooding through his head.

"Who?" Po asked, attempting to move out of the way of Oogway's finger, only to find the reptile's finger followed him. Tigress' eyes widened in realisation.

"You," Oogway confirmed with a gentle smile.

"Me?" Po reiterated out of pure confusion, whilst the Kung Fu Master lifted his arm with his crescent staff.

"The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior!"

"What?" Po screamed.

"What?!" hollered the entire Furious Five.

"WHAT!?" howled Shifu.

"WHAAAT?" exploded Mr Ping who poked his head through the entrance gate, which had been unlocked the whole time.

"I'M SORRY WHAAAAAT?!" The vast majority of the crew shouted in utter disbelief. "How can that flabby nerd be the chosen one?"

The announcer struck the gong; Shifu moved to intervene but was too late, as confetti rained down and the crowd began to cheer wildly. Po was utterly speechless, before he was literally swept of his feet by a procession of geese holding a palanquin.

"Wait, stop! Who told you to-", any further cries the red panda had were drowned out by the pained efforts of the geese as they struggled to life Po's considerable heft. Running past the still bowed Five, Shifu skidded to a halt in front of Oogway.

"Master wait! That flabby Panda can't possibly be the answer to our problem. You were about the point at Tigress and that thing fell in front of her. It was an accident." Shifu's words were fast and informal. He spoke not as pupil, but as a concerned friend.

"There are no accidents." Oogway's sagely tone immediately shut down any possibility for argument.

"No, there absolutely is. Especially if you want to send that accident of to fight a deranged, psycho snow leopard!" Chopper screamed incredulously.

There was a loud snap and both of them turned to see the palanquin crack and shatter under the newly accredited Dragon Warrior's weight, his behind now stuck in the resulting hole. Shifu gave Oogway his best 'Really?' face, before the elderly tortoise chuckled and hobbled off.

"Senility can hurt not just you, but the people around you as well. I suppose old age really is the blade that cuts both ways." Jimbei noted.

"I am sitting right here." Brook reminded him.

Tigress approached her respected Master solemnly, "Forgive us, Master. We have failed you." Both the rest of the Five, and her, bowed silently.

Shifu only raised his paw in response. "No, if the panda has not quit by morning, then I will have failed you." The promise lingered in the air before all proceeded to head back to the training hall.

…..

Simultaneously, far away in the snowy mountain peaks of Mongolia, a tiny speck of black contrasted against the endless sheets of white. Zheng had not rested since he had been given the order by Shifu to investigate Tai Lung's status. His wings burned like there was a sliver of fire in every muscle, and he was very close to giving out. With a pained quack, he crashed to the ground, landing within a stone's throw of Chorh-Gom's imposing gate.

"A prison on a snow island! I wonder if they get time off for snow angel breaks?" Chopper said giddily. As a reindeer, he was far more accustomed to winter islands, considering how he was built to withstand the temperatures there.

"I would think for a prison, holding a dangerous criminal Kung Fu Master, they'd want to be on constant guard. So, probably not Chopper." Jimbei interjected bringing a swift end to the doctor's fantasy.

Within a split second, the rhino guards pressed their spears to Zheng's neck who, in turn, immediately thrust the scroll he was carrying into their faces.

"Wait, wait, wait! I have a message. From Master Shifu." The rhinos relaxed and within minutes the doors to the prison were opened and Zheng was escorted inside, surrounded on all ends by walls of thick-hided flesh.

"WHAT?! 'Double the guards? Extra precautions? Your prison may not be adequate?" The prison's warden Commander Vachir fumed as he inspected the contents of the scroll. He stood approximately a foot taller than all of his fellow jailers; his hide covered in scars and his horn replaced with a reversed copper prosthetic. He had clearly seen some action, a fact that gave the terrified Zheng no emotional reprieve. "You doubt my prison's security?"

"Whoa! Hey! Haven't you guys ever heard about not shooting the messenger?" Usopp said, his fight or flight response somehow kicking in for the goose's sake.

Zheng was taken aback, the guards behind and in front of him were giving him looks that could kill. "Absolutely not! Shifu does, I'm just the messenger." He gulped, clearly intimidated.

Vachir snorted, before he began to shepherd Zheng across the massive stone catwalk leading further into the prison, "I'll give you a message for your Master Shifu. Escape from Chorh-Gom prison is impossible!" The rhino's voice boomed as it echoed throughout the cavernous walls.

Luffy only rolled his eyes in doubt, whilst Zoro started to nod off as a result of the commander's grand-standing.

Zheng looked in awe around the expansive prison, before peering over the edge of the catwalk. Aside from the connecting threads of the other bridges further down, there was no visible ground below them. Everything seemed to be consumed by the all-encompassing void below them.

The goose then let out a sudden squawk as Vachir's meaty hand slapped him on the back, letting a feather fall lose, which began to gently glide into the abyss below.

"Moron! You don't need to do that! I'm terrified enough as is!" The cowardly trio yelped through the tears in their eyes

"Impressive, isn't it?" the Warden chuckled.

Zheng began to shiver at the prison's enormity, "Oh yes, it's impressive. It's very impressive."

The two began to advance further whilst Vachir continued to gloat, "One way in. One way out. One thousand guards, and one prisoner." He then gestured to all of his men stationed at any and all potential exit points.

"I don't want to be THAT person, but an entire prison dedicated to only one person seems like a gross misallocation of resources." Robin said.

"You don't know that Robin! This guy could be REALLY strong!" Luffy protested.

"I suppose we'll have to see then." Robin merely giggled in response.

"Yeah, but that prisoner is Tai Lung..." Zheng reiterated, not feeling reassured in the least after hearing the tales of the terrors that the snow leopard had committed.

The two finally reached a pulley-based elevator, before Vachir gave the order to have the both of them lowered towards the cell block. As they began to rappel ever deeper downwards, the Warden saw fit to shake the lift, giving the messenger a serious fright.

"Someone make him stop, I'm gonna faint." The cowardly trio complained, hazy with fear.

"Hey! Unihorn! If you make my Nami faint there's gonna be hell to pay!" Sanji yelled angrily.

"What about us?" Usopp and Chopper mithered.

"Oh yeah… you guys are… also there." The cook responded with disinterest.

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS?" The two screamed.

When they finally reached the bottom, Zheng was directed to set of armoured doors, that began to painfully open, one after the other. "Oh my…", the messenger said to no one in particular as the final door began to slowly lower, creating a bridge to a small, circular island in the centre of the pitch-black void.

At its centre, knelt the very monster that Zheng had come to see.

"Behold, Tai Lung," Vachir announced ominously. The figure was hunched over, allowing no characteristics to be discerned. On his back, rested a terracotta tortoise shell that had acupuncture needles protruding across it's length. This shell was large enough to cast a shadow over the fallen Kung Fu master's visage. The only parts of his body that could be seen, were his furred tail, and his muscular arms, each easily as thick as a tree branch and held down by two chains that lead off into the darkness.

"This is the guy that has everyone on edge?" Zoro grumbled, not seeing anything impressive about the shape laying on the ground.

"You know what? … I'm just gonna wait right here." Zheng asserted.

Vachir gave a small chuckle, "There's nothing to worry about. It's perfectly safe." He then gave the goose a tap on the back, which to him felt like a harsh shove, before raising his hand to signal to the remaining guards, "Crossbows at the ready!" His command was met with a symphony of clunks, as the aforementioned weapons folded into position.

"Crossbows?!" Zheng yelped, now worried he was going to come under fire.

"Wow, they are really not taking any chances on this guy. Those things are siege crossbows, usually used for defending or attacking a city perimeter!" Franky noted, his inner weapon geek tendencies shining through.

"Hey, tough guy!" The rhino Warden began to circle around the worryingly still mass, "Did you hear? Oogway's finally gonna give someone the Dragon Scroll, and it's not gonna be you."

"What are you doing?! Don't make him mad!"

"What's he gonna do about it? I've got him completely immobilised." He demonstrated the prisoner's helplessness by stomping on his outstretched tail, which resulted in a sickening crunch.

"AH! Something cracked!" Brook yelped before patting himself down, before letting out a small sigh of relief. "Don't worry, everyone. All 206 are accounted for."

"Nobody cares! They're both going to die!" Nami screamed.

Brook's only response was a small tear running down his eye socket.

Zheng recoiled in horror, only to see the shapeless figure make no movement.

"Aww, did I step on the witty kitty's tail? Aww." The Warden mocked, placing his maw within spitting distance of the snow leopard's face.

It was at this moment that Zheng's last remaining nerve broke, "I'm good! I've seen enough! I'm gonna tell Shifu he has nothing to worry about." He began to half-walk, half-jog towards the elevator; quite obviously shaken.

"No, he doesn't," Vachir affirmed, as he began to walk calmly alongside the goose towards the exit.

"Okay, I'll tell him. Can we please leave now?..." Both of them re-entered the elevator and signalled for it to rise.

"Thank heavens. I was getting rather tired of this ghastly place." Robin said.

What they didn't notice, however, was as they ascended, the feather knocked loose from Zheng continued to descend. Down it glided until it rested gently in front of Tai Lung. The previously motionless shape opened his eyes, letting his piercing yellow stare penetrate the veil of darkness. He whipped his tail out to snatch the feather and then he fell still once more.

The three cowards of the Straw Hats promptly foamed at the mouth, before collapsing into heaps in their chairs.

"Huh. Are they dead?" Zoro asked?

…..

Back at the Jade Palace, the goose procession had finished painstakingly hauling Po up the stairs, in the wrecked palanquin. They threw open the main doors and tossed the panda inside before closing them again behind him, taking deep, shallow breaths all the while. Within moments, Po was all alone.

"Hello? I think there's been a misunderstanding. Everyone seems to think I'm the…"

Any queries running through the noodle boy's head were immediately shut down, as he turned to face his surroundings. He gasped in pure amazement.

"Whoa! The Sacred Hall of Warriors! No way! Look at all this!

Nami was easily shaken out of her fear-induced catatonic state, when she saw the wonders of the Hall. "Wow! So many valuables so little time." Her eyes began to flash with greed, before reverting to the Berri signs from earlier

Po spotted a distinctive suit of armour, clearly meant to be fitted to a heavy-set rhino. He ran up to it, shaking in glee.

"Master Flying Rhino's iconic armour! With authentic battle damage!"

"Look at that SUPER armour. I'd love to wear it, even if it is for a rhino!" Franky yelled joyously.

"So cool! I wonder if it shoots missiles or something?" Luffy's eyes lit up like a child's.

He zipped to another artifact, one that looked suspiciously similar to the sword in his dream. "Whoa… the Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking- OW!" Po yelled, before sucking his mysteriously cut finger.

The comment immediately interested Zoro, who appraised the blade thoughtfully, "A little on the top-heavy side, but I definitely wouldn't mind giving that bad boy a test drive."

The panda then ran up to an apparently invisible display, before yelping in excitement, "The Invisible Trident of Destiny!"

Everyone sat completely still for a second.

"You think it's actually…?" Usopp asked the group.

"I mean anything's possible… right?" Sanji responded hesitantly.

His attention then switched to an ornate piece of art on a wall, "I've only ever seen paintings of this painting…"

Robin giggled at the boisterous shenanigans of the panda onscreen.

Po's internalised joy exploded outwards, as he began to run between the various exhibits, giggling like a child all the while. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted something he could scarcely comprehend.

"Nooo!" The panda noticed a small ornate urn resting on a pedestal, it's handles shaped like Eastern Dragons. "The Legendary Urn of Whispering Warriors. Said to contain the souls of the entire Tenshu Army!" He screamed loudly, barely able to contain himself.

"An army of souls… in a jar? That seems a little far-fetched." Brook commented, taking a sip of tea.

"What if they're mouse souls?" Chopper asked.

"Chopper. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?" The skeleton replied.

"Hey! It was a genuine question! Mice are tiny."

"Hello?" Po whispered into the mouth of the urn, before peering inside.

"Are you finished sightseeing?" A voice unexpectedly called back, catching the panda off guard.

"Woah! Urn ghosts!" Luffy yelped joyfully.

"Sorry! I should have come to see you first."

"My patience is wearing thin." The voice sounded exasperated, like someone had just skipped over the meat in its sandwich.

Po was confused by the change in tone, "Oh. Well, I mean it's not like you're going anywhere."

"Sweet lord… He's just behind you moron." Sanji sighed into his open palm.

"Would you turn around?"

"Sure," Po did as he was told and saw Master Shifu standing by the Moon Pool. If looks could kill, he would've been a serial murderer.

"Hey." The panda replied plainly before turning back to the urn, "Now how do you get five hund- Master Shifu." Po finally registered the owner of the voice and startled, turned around to face the Kung Fu Master, only to, in his haste, knock over the urn and send it crashing to the ground.

"NO! The probably, very expensive, Urn!" Nami screamed. "You monster!"

"That Urn looked hundreds of years old. Why aren't you more aware of your surroundings?" Robin chastised, a vicious scowl affixed to her face.

A ghostly wail emanated from the Urn as it shattered, small green whisps dispersing from the broken porcelain. Po looked mortified.

"What did I tell you? Mouse ghosts." Chopper pointed at the screen emphatically.

"I saw no such thing." Brook calmly took another sip of his tea.

"Liar!"

"Someone… broke that," Shifu started at the panda as he hastily attempted to gather up the pieces. "But I'm going to fix it. Do you have some glue?..." Po's attempt to gather the pieces resulted in the urn's pedestal falling over and bumping him in the head. His subsequent attempt to pick that up, resulted in him getting a splinter on one of the fallen chips.

"So, you're the legendary Dragon Warrior, hmm?" Shifu asked facetiously.

"Uh… I guess so?" Po responded trepidatiously.

"No, you're really not." The entire crew replied in unison.

"Wrong!" Po immediately stood to attention at his tone. "You are not the Dragon Warrior. You will never be the Dragon Warrior, until you have learned the secret of the Dragon Scroll." As he said this he gestured towards the ceiling with his flute where the Scroll was still safely nestled in the mouth of the dragon statue.

"Whoa… so how does this work. Do have a ladder or trampoline or…?" Po questioned with a timid edge in his voice.

"Wait, that's a good point. How do they get it down from there? How did it even get there in the first place?" Usopp questioned.

"Duh. They jumped." Zoro responded, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"Oh. They jumped. Thank you I never would have figure that out on my own." The sniper responded sardonically.

"You're welcome." The swordsman responded, clearly not understanding the intent behind the phrasing.

"Why I oughta." The liar started to make a throttling gesture towards the first-mate's throat.

Shifu chuckled mirthlessly, "You think it's that easy? That I'm going to just hand you the secret to ultimate power?" Every syllable he uttered seemed to be filled with more ice-cold fury than the last.

"Wha-? No, I-" Po stumbled over his word, just as he stumbled over the remains of the urn.

"One must first master the highest level of Kung Fu. And that is clearly impossible for someone like you." Shifu flitted away, out of Po's sight.

"If I let my… heavy-set nature get in my way during training, then I never would have become a Master. Strength also comes from spirit, too." Jimbei growled, clearly getting frustrated at the red panda's dismissive tone.

"Someone like me?," the panda repeated.

"Yes. Look at you! This fat butt." He slapped Po's butt with his flute for emphasis, making him cry out in pain. "Flabby arms!" he did the same for the arms.

"Hey, those are sensitive in the flabby parts," Po quickly rubbed the spot where he had been hit.

"And this ridiculous belly!" Shifu poked the panda's belly, before letting it bounce back, cringing in disgust as it did so.

"It's… mesmerizing." Luffy's eyes followed the bounce of the belly.

"Now wait a minute. That's a little uncalled for-"

"And your utter disregard for personal hygiene."

"Hey-" It was clearly from the tone in his voice, that Po was starting to get truly annoyed.

"Don't stand so close. I can smell your breath," Shifu wafted away the air with his hand.

"You think you have it bad." Nami sighed as she pointed towards Luffy and Zoro, "These two shower once a week."

"If I let the grease build up, it provides a protective barrier against the elements." The swordsman responded plainly.

"NO IT DOESN'T!"

Po pointed his finger in frustration, "Listen, Oogway said that I was-"

Quick as a whip, Shifu reached out and placed a vice-like grip on Po's outstretched finger, before lifting his pinky. In an instant, all of Po's frustration was replaced by abject horror.

"The Wuxi Finger Hold. Not the Wuxi Finger Hold!"

"Dude, calm down. He's just gripping your finger." Usopp said, confused.

Shifu gave a sly grin, clearly enjoying himself. "Oh, so you know this hold?"

"Developed by Master Wuxi in the Third Dynasty. Yes!" Po's words began to slurred together in his panic.

"I wasn't aware that the portly panda was also a history enthusiast." Robin noted, almost forgiving Po for recklessly destroying a centuries old artifact of great significance… almost.

"Oh, so you must know what happens when I flex my pinky." Shifu's pinky began to twitch dangerously.

"No, no, no!" Po began to shake his head and knaw at his fingernails.

Shifu leaned in and began to whisper, "You know the hardest part of this? The hardest is cleaning up afterwards." The red panda began to chuckle evilly.

"I'm sorry… what? How can a pinky-flex do all that? Martial arts is not superpower!" Sanji proclaimed, with a great deal of confusion.

"This is coming from the guy whose leg lights on fire when he uses martial arts." Zoro retorted.

"Shut up." The cook responded, his face flushed out of a combination of anger and embarrassment.

"Okay! Okay, take it easy!" Po quietly shouted as he fell to his knees.

"Now listen closely, panda. Oogway may have picked you. But when I'm through with you, I promise you: You're going to wish he hadn't! Are we clear?"

Po gasped in relief, "Yeah, we're clear. We are so clear."

"Good." Shifu gave a smirk that made the panda's blood run cold, "I can't wait to get started."

"Wow, he's gonna die." Luffy stated, a smile on his face that was far too cheerful for the topic being discussed.

…

Within minutes, Shifu had led Po to the palace's Training Hall. With an ease that should have been impossible for his size, he threw open the doors. The panda's jaws nearly dropped to the floor as he took in the rooms enormity, and his excitement only increased as he saw the Furious Five combating the various deadly obstacles on each course.

Crane deflected arrows with his wings, whilst balancing precariously on a gigantic, upturned jade turtle shell. He was then joined by Tigress, who engaged him a brief spar, neither combatants give the other an edge, all whilst they effortlessly balanced on the rim of the shell.

"Woah! Master Tigress is so athletic! I think I'm adrift in the elegance of her perfectly performed sparring session." Sanji swooned.

"I worry about you sometimes, Sanji." Nami, questioned from the side.

"Ah, Nami cares about my safety! This day just keeps getting better and better."

Meanwhile, Mantis weaved his way through an army of wooden swivel bars. To an outsider, he appeared as little more than a flash of green that left a pile of cracked wood and metal in his wake.

"That bug guy is faster than fast! I can't even follow him!" Chopper's eyes, appropriately, bugged out of his head upon seeing the diminutive Master's display.

Viper practiced her technique on the Field of Fiery Death, striking at the air before periodically dodging spurts of fire around her coils. She performed with such grace; one could have sworn she knew where the attacks would come from before they occurred.

"A fantastic heel strike. Even more impressive, given that she has no legs." Jimbei commented.

Monkey made use of his natural simian agility to swing through the Talon Rings that hung from the ceiling. They too provided absolutely no challenge, as the seasoned Master threaded his entire body through one of the Rings, after performing a flawless triple backflip.

"Big deal. I can do that too." Luffy said, sticking his tongue out at the cinema screen.

"Of course, you'd want to copy the Monkey." Usopp sighed.

It was then that Tigress decided to abandon her sparring session to jump on the spinning serpent logs on front. Whilst she was doing this, she also focused on dodging the incoming spiked clubs that swung by her head. She dodged two, then three, then four. On the fifth, she contorted her body at the last second, delivering a strike to the club that smashed it to pieces. One stray chunk of wood and metal flew directly into Po's head, causing him to double over in shock.

"Let's begin." Shifu's statement was simple, but it carried a vicious weight behind it.

"Wait. What?" Po stared at the vicious course in front of him. "Now?!"

"Something tells me Shifu doesn't exactly have safe training practices in mind. I sure hope he doesn't suffer some form of irreparable injury during all this."

"Robin please, we all know he won't make it out of this alive. Please try not to exacerbate it." Brook responded, as politely as he could.

"Yes, now. Unless you think the great Oogway was wrong, and you are not the Dragon Warrior…?" Shifu's question was laden with a thinly veiled sardonic tone.

"Oh, okay. Well… I don't know if I can do all those moves…"

"Well, if we don't try we'll never know, will we?" Shifu responded, as he began to lead his unwitting never disciple around the training area.

"Yeah. It's just- maybe we can find something a little more suited to my level." Po attempted to placate the Kung Fu Master, in an attempt to lessen the severity of his upcoming training.

"And what level is that?"

"Well… I'm not a Master or anything, but let's start at Zero. Level Zero."

"Yes. Do that. Nothing else. Please." Jimbei insisted firmly.

Shifu laughed, "No, there is no such thing as Level Zero."

"Hey! Maybe I can start with that?" Po pointed at a friendly-looking bandit dummy nestled in the corner.

"That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot." Shifu sounded completely incredulous. "But if you insist."

"I can't believe he's choosing the option least likely to lead to any kind of harm, and yet I'm still nervous." Usopp.

"Aww come on, you worry too much." Luffy patted his crewmate on the back so hard, he fell flat on his face.

At that moment, the Five took notice of the new arrival and began to crowd around the new arrival. Po was utterly starstruck.

"Whoa, the Furious Five! You are all so much bigger than your action figures- except for you, Mantis. You're pretty much the same."

"Wow, way to keep yourself firmly at the bottom of their shit list pal." Franky shook his head.

Mantis responded with little more than a twitch of his antennae. Po coughed uncomfortably, worried he may have offended.

"Go ahead, panda. Show us what you can do." Shifu ordered, as he gestured towards the dummy.

"Oh no, here it comes." Chopper recoiled pre-emptively and gritted his teeth together.

Po hesitated, upon seeing the Five scrutinizing him silently. "Um, are they going to watch. Or should I just wait until they go back to work or something…?"

"Hit it." Shifu said, this time with a slight edge.

Po began to rock, back and forth on his heels as he began to think of alternative excuses, "Okay. I mean I just ate, so I'm still digesting. So, my Kung Fu might not be as good as later on…"

"I can scarcely believe it. We may have actually found someone who bluffs worse than Usopp." Sanji said.

"How dare you? I'll have you know I would've come up with a far more convincing lie." The sniper defended.

"Just hit it." Shifu growled.

Po inhaled through his nostrils, before shifting towards the dummy "Alright… Whatcha got? You got nothin' 'cause I got it right here. You picking on my friends?" the panda began to dance on the spot, clearly getting lost in the moment. "Get ready to feel the thunder. I'm coming at him with the crazy feet. Whatcha going to do about the crazy feet? I'm a blur. I'm a blur. You never seen bear style before, you only ever seen praying Mantis! OR… I could come at you Monkey style." Po began to make an awkward monkey noises, to the confusion of Monkey himself. "OR.. I'm coming at you snake-like.."

The entire crew looked onwards, just as confused as the Five. Sanji and Nami placed their heads into their hands and let out barely restrained sighs. Only Luffy looked on, completely entranced, but that was honestly to be expected.

"Would you hit it!" Shifu finally exploded.

Po stopped dancing and held up his hands in acceptance, "Alright… alright." He lifted up his fist and tapped the dummy with it, barely causing the inflatable to move.

"Why don't you try it again? A little harder." Shifu suggested.

"Again, please don't…" Jimbei began.

Emboldened, Po committed and confidently struck the dummy, knocking it all the way downwards. "How's tha-," Po didn't have time to finish his remark as the dummy righted itself directly into his face.

The force of the correction sent Po flying, knocking out a tooth, and landing him directly onto the serpent logs. The Five reflexively stepped forward to help him, but Shifu blocked their way with an outstretched paw.

"Wow, I had no expectations. And yet I'm somehow still disappointed." Nami groaned.

Po struggled to balance himself on the logs, attempting to bounce himself off the course. As quickly as he attempted this, he lost his footing, sending him into a painful split between two of the logs. "Ow" Oh, that hurts." The noodle boy was so focused on the logs he didn't notice one of the spiked clubs swinging towards him at alarming speed. The force of the hit from the club, sent Po flying into the upturned, jade turtle-bowl, where the unstable obstacle rattled him around, like a gigantic bouncy ball.

"This'll be easier than I thought", Shifu whispered to the Five, over his shoulder.

"Even Usopp is better at concealing his true intentions than this Master fellow." Robin commented.

"Why is everyone suddenly picking on me?!" The sniper in question complained.

"Okay, getting bit nauseous…" Po moaned, before the turtle bowl eventually spilled him out… directly into the rows of swivel bars. The panda's large frame meant the was absolutely not way he could avoid the multitude of rotating strikes that came at his. He was hit again and again, any attempt to steady himself only meant another strike somewhere else, until eventually, one bar hit him in the worst place possible causing him to fall to his knees.

All the male crewmembers cringed, and started to say variations of: "Ow", "Sonuva-", and "Oh God Why?"

Nami and Robin looked very confused. "What the heck are you doing?"

"I'm so sorry Nami dear, but you just wouldn't understand." Sanji was, surprisingly, the one to shut down any complaints the two may have had.

"Oooohooo, my tenders." The bars eventually ceased rotating, after being left undisturbed. Gasping, Po slowly got to his feet, using one of the wooden bars as purchase… immediately causing it to swing round and clobber him in the back of the head, jump-starting the whole process again.

Somehow, Po managed to stumble out on the other side, battered and bruised, before he allowed himself to catch his breath. His ears eventually pricked up, detecting a low hiss coming from his feet, where he saw that he had unknowingly stumbled into the Field of Fiery Death.

"Oh hell." Franky said plainly.

The Five and Shifu looked on in abject confusion, as numerous yells and explosions peppered the floors of the Training Hall. Slowly, but surely, Po dragged himself in front of the Masters, charred and dazed, a small tuft of his hair still on fire.

"How'd I do?" The panda asked, gasping for breath.

"There is now a Level Zero" Shifu concluded, extinguishing the small flame on Po's head. The noodle boy finally collapsed to the ground.

"A for effort. Apart from that, it was REALLY bad." Luffy pointed his thumbs up and gave his best grin.

…

Later that night, the Five were escorted to their quarters in the bunkhouse by one of the palace guards, the events of the day still very clear in their minds.

"There are no words," Mantis scoffed.

"I don't know what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's gonna get himself killed!" Viper admonished, as she shook her head.

"Don't be so soft. If all that didn't kill him, there's no way anything else you could throw at him would." Zoro admonished.

"He is so mighty! The Dragon Warrior… fell out of the sky on a ball of fire!" Crane mockingly proclaimed, spreading his wings out before folding them back in with a barely stifled laugh.

"When he walks, the very ground shakes." Mantis joked, eliciting a laugh from everyone except Tigress.

The trio of the youngest members of the crew, struggled to stifle their laughter. Knowing that any potential outburst would earn them retribution from some of the more mature crewmates present.

"One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew Kung Fu." The leader of Five grumbled, before walking ahead.

"Yeah or could at least touch his toes."

"Or even see his toes." Added Monkey.

They began to walk off laughing profusely, as Po trailed some distance behind. He huffed, before attempting to look at his toes, only to have his view obstructed by his sizable gut. He lifted his stomach an inch at a time, until he lost his balance and fell flat on his face.

"Poor guy. This is probably a dream come true in the worst way possible for him." Franky said, sympathy evident in his voice.

"He can't see his toes?" Luffy asked.

"YOU FOCUSED ON THE WRONG THING COMPLETELY!" the shipwright reached over and clobbered the captain on his head.

Po then entered the bunkhouse, just to see the Five blowing out the candles in their rooms. The only free room seemed to be at the far end of long corridor connecting to each room.

"Great," the panda complained before testing the floorboards with the tip of his foot. Hearing a small creak, he shifted, before trying another board. Satisfied he moved forward by a step… before the plank snapped under the force of his weight, leaving him partially stuck.

"Wow, just wow." Usopp commented.

"Oh hush, I bet you'd have trouble walking down a hallway too if your stomach took up two-thirds of your body mass." Brook chastised, getting slightly annoyed at the sniper's propensity for body shaming. Especially when he had a nose like that.

Po attempted to recover and picked himself up to his feet, before quickening his pace, leaving a trail of deafening squeaks in his wake. In his haste, he rolled his ankle and stumbled through one of the bedroom doors. Turning, he saw Crane staring right at him.

"Oh, hey… hi. You're up", the panda muttered in a poor attempt to salvage the awkward situation.

"Am now." Crane replied morosely.

"I was just… Some day, huh? Your biceps sore?"

"Some of Sanji's flirting attempts were less awkward than this." Chopper noted, eliciting a laugh from Zoro.

"THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU RUNT?!" The cook responded, his face suddenly warping into a hideous flaming visage.

"AHH!"

Crane unfolded his wing, in a demonstration of his lack of any proper mammalian muscle feature, before lightly sighing. "Look… I've had a long and rather disappointing day, so uh… yeah, I should probably get some sleep."

"Yeah yeah yeah, of course." Po was disheartened and turned to leave.

"Okay, thanks." Crane voiced, sounding slightly relieved.

"It's just… I'm such a big fan." The panda turned around on his heel. "You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of Weeping River. Outnumbered a thousand to one, but you didn't stop, and then you just Hi-Yah!"

"I beg of you, please stop whilst you have the tiniest shred of dignity left". Jimbei begged silently.

Po performed a series of spastic Kung Fu moves that caused him to flail about wildly, and accidentally kick a hole through the paper wall that separated Crane's room from the one next door.

"Paper walls? That would save us a lot on repairs." Franky started to get an idea.

"We live on a boat Franky. It tends to get wet." Robin reminded the shipwright.

"Oh, sorry about that." Po said, sticking his head through the hole to be met with a particularly peeved looking Monkey.

"Look, you don't belong here." The statement was simple, but it cut through Po like a knife.

The entire crew froze. At some point or other in their lives they had all been told that their dreams, were simply out of their reach. That they should attempt to be more realistic. They however, had people ready to believe in them and tell them to move forward. This panda had none of that; and it didn't seem as if he was going to be given it anytime soon.

"I know- I know. You're right. I just- my whole life I've dreamed of-"

"No no no… I mean you don't belong here. I mean in this room." Crane interrupted the noodle boy before he could embarrass himself any further. "This is my room. Property of Crane."

A wave of relief flushed over Po, as he realised that he had completely misinterpreted the words of his idol. His relief quickly turned into mortification.

"Oh right of course. A bird needs his beauty sleep. I thought he meant the other thing. How silly." The entire parroted the phrase back to each other, before waving off any residual feelings of discomfort.

"Oh right. Yeah, you want to go to sleep." He began to back away slowly out of the room.

"Yeah."

"I'm keeping you up, we got big things tomorrow," Po positioned his head so it was poking through the door frame. "Alright, you're awesome just wanna let you know. Last thing I'm gonna say."

"He was pretty cool on that turtle thing." Luffy said giddily.

Po closed the door, but he clearly didn't move, if the shadow he was projecting through the paper wall was anything to go by. Crane only sighed, in a mixture of disbelief and slight aggravation. Without warning, Po once again poked his head through the doorway with an eager smile.

"What was that?"

"I didn't say anything." Crane replied, clearly starting to lose his cool.

"Okay. Alright. Goodnight. Sleep well." The panda backed out of the doorway, whilst the bird put his foot on his head.

"I guess taking they don't teach taking a hint at any Kung Fu class." Zoro stated.

"That seemed a little awkward." Po thought to himself out loud. He began to slowly creep up the hallway, a plank at a time. Suddenly, the door right next to him flew open to reveal Tigress, her eyes glowing an intimidating golden hue in the otherwise dim hallway.

"Master Tigress!" He reflexively bowed out of respect, "Didn't mean to wake you, I was just, uh-"

"You don't belong here." The Kung Fu Master stated simply.

"Uh, yeah, of course, this is your room-" Po began, thinking she was repeating the words of the previous Master he had spoken to.

"I mean… you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have any respect for us and what we do here, you will be gone by morning." She finished by slamming her door shut in the noodle boy's face.

The crew sat there a few seconds, whilst the phrase hung in the air.

"Oh yeah? Well, your stripes are fat!" Leave it to Luffy to break the tension completely. A small mirk graced the lips of all present.

"Big fan." The dumbfounded panda was left in the hallway, completely dejected and ready to call in for the night.

…..

A little later, Po stood under a peach tree, which rested on top of a hill overlooking the Valley. He gazed down, noting how he couldn't even see Ping's Noodle Shop from this far up. His thoughts then strayed to his father, he was probably confused and destitute at his absence by now.

"I see you found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom." Voiced Master Oogway, who was slowly hobbling up the step.

Po spun around to face him, revealing that his mouth and arms were stuffed to the brim with peaches. He dropped the fruit in his arms out of shock.

"Oh, come on! Have some decorum!" Nami and Sanji angrily yelled at the slovenly panda.

"What's wrong with that?" Luffy asked.

"Shut up! You can't say anything in this situation!"

"Is that what this is? I'm so sorry. I thought it was just a regular peach tree," His speech slurred by a combination of spittle and peaches.

The elderly tortoise laughed softly, "I understand, you eat when you are upset."

Po spat out the remaining peaches in his mouth and slurred his words together, "Upset? I'm not upset. Why would you think I'm upset?"

"So, why are you upset?" Oogway asked, tilting his head to the side.

"It's rather refreshing to have see someone so no-nonsense." Robin stated.

"Whatever could you mean, We are no-nonsense." Brook rebutted.

"Of course. Of course."

Po sighed, realising that there was no way he could lie to the Kung Fu Master. "Probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of Kung Fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!"

"Probably."

"And the Five… man, you should have seen them, they totally hated me."

"Totally."

"Wow. If he's trying to help then he's failing spectacularly at it." Voiced Usopp.

Po was getting even more frustrated no, "I mean, how's Shifu going to turn me into the Dragon Warrior?" He lifted his belly before dropping it, causing it to bounce before he stopped it with his hand. "I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got not claws. No wings. No venom. Even Mantis has those… thingies. Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles."

The panda sat down, with his back to Oogway, who only looked at him with what could be construed as pity.

"Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles." Po looked at Oogway, confused. "You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Robin smiled gently at the phrase. It took her many years to be able to move beyond her darker past. It had taken her a long to time to finally be able to live in the moment, but the experiences she now has are not something that she would change for the world.

With this, Oogway walked away back down the steps, but not before giving the tree a tiny tap with his staff. A peach fell directly into Po's open paw. Po smiled as he watched the tortoise leave, a deep well of inspiration now filling within him.

…

While this was going on, dire developments had begun to occur at Chor-Gom Prison. Tai Lung had been tirelessly working at the lock to his acupuncture shell, with Zheng's feather. He pushed the detached appendage swiftly, yet gently, with his tail, until he heard a series of clicks.

"Wait, he picked the lock… with a feather?!" Chopper yelped, finally seeing why the snow leopard was such

"'One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it'" Jimbei parroted the words of the tortoise master from earlier, seeing the irony in how Shifu's desire to stop Tai Lung's rise had inadvertently caused it.

The snow leopard inhaled gently, before unsheathing his claws, finally having regained control of his arms. With a mighty flex, he burst forth from the shell, letting loose a fearsome growl. Vachir, hearing the explosion, ran over to the ledge to see the source of the noise, Zheng right behind him.

"OH NO!" the Commander yelped, seeing what could only be described as the worst case scenario.

"What's happening?" Zheng was far too small to look over the side, having to prop himself on the ledge to get clear view. When he did, he immediately wished he hadn't. Tai Lung was straining against the shackles binding his arms, each one tied to a massive boulder.

"I was right! This guy WAS strong!" Luffy cheered.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SOUND SO HAPPY ABOUT IT!" Nami complained in response.

"Fire the Crossbows!" Vachir's order was panicked, but his soldiers obeyed. Each positioned bow let loose a bolt the size of a battering ram. They rained down one after the other, but the snow leopard deftly weaved through them, with a grace that shouldn't have been possible for someone who hadn't been active for 20 years.

The crossbow bolts continued to rain down, but the Kung Fu Master saw an opportunity, manoeuvring one of his shackles in the projectiles path. The restrain shattered under the bolts force, freeing one of his arms.

"There is a downside to siege crossbows. They are VERY difficult to aim." Franky noted, with a level of calm completely inappropriate for the current situation.

The guards looked utterly mortified, as the snow leopard slashed the other shackle free. Things were getting slowly, but surely worse for the whole prison.

"Tai Lung is free! I must warn Shifu!" Zheng, squawked before fluttering off to leave, only to be stopped by Vachir, who grabbed him by the neck.

"You're not going anywhere, and neither is he!" He then signalled to his guards, as Zheng struggled against his grip. "Bring it up!"

"ARE YOU CRACKED? LET HIM DO HIS JOB!" The cowardly trio yelled, in a common combination of frustration and fear.

On his command, the winch controlling the elevator began to turn, lifting it upwards. Some unlucky guards unfortunately were not able to get on in time and jumped trying to reach the lift. The other remaining rhinos continued to fire at Tai Lung who, in response, deflected the bolt with his paw sending it into a spin. He jumped into the air and kicked the butt of the projectile, sending it back at the guards manning the crossbow with a just as much force as it had been shot.

"He just deflected that bolt back at them without an inch of Haki. I take back what I said before; this guys the real deal." Zoro finally conceded.

The bolt completely splintered the bow from which it came, and the guards ducked behind the ledges in case any further shots came. Tai Lung scanned the bolt spears still stuck in the ground, and terrifying smirk graced his face. With absurd ease, he uprooted all the bolts but one, and threw them into the air. Then, like before, he jumped to meet them, this time performing a mid-air, quadruple spin kick, that sent each bolt into the walls of the cave, creating an improvised, monkey bar staircase.

The snow leopard then cracked his neck, before jumping on the final bolt, still dug into the floor of his cell, and springing of it towards the newly created staircase. When he reached it, he moved across the bars with a simian grace; yet it was compounded by a ferocity that was being only barely restrained.

"I've never seen such blind rage, combined with that degree of technique and control. They wanted Po to face this?" Jimbei voiced incredulously.

"He's coming this way!" Zheng squealed, still in Vachir's vice grip.

"He won't get far!" The commander responded by bring the goose directly to his face, "Archers!"

Lines of rhino archers rained down a blanket of red arrows down the abyss. Tai Lung took a moment to assess the danger, before singing himself on the final bar, gaining momentum. He launched himself towards the slowly ascending elevator, the only cover from the deadly storm off red arrows slowly approaching.

The rhinos guarding the elevator looked down to see the Kung Fu Master clutching to the underside of the elevator, as the arrows slammed into the top of the lift. Without hesitation, one of the guards swung his axe, severing the chain, and letting the elevator fall to the depths below. The guards celebrated their achievement…

…Before being swiftly cut off by Tai Lung, who flipped upwards from the elevator house and tagged both of them with a perfect split kick, knocking them both clean out. The snow leopard then grabbed the broken chain, before kicking reel housing the rest of it's length. Now that it was unjammed, he leapt of the side of the platform, using the chain and his momentum to swing himself even further upwards to the catwalks.

"He's resourceful too. Capable of making advantageous, split-second, decisions in the heat of battle, and adapting his fighting style to suit the situation. How the heck did they capture this guy before?" Sanji continued the commentary, making several notes on the snow leopard.

The guards immediately attacks, and in turn, Tai Lung went on the offensive, dodging blades and spikes, whilst striking hard and fast. He struck one of the guards with such force that his shield collapsed inward and sent him careening into his comrades like a bowling ball.

Using the chaos the snow leopard clawed his way to the floor above, flipping over obstacles and guards, until he was met by gate, hastily slammed shut in his face. Using his immense reserves of strength, he burst forward, burying two rhinos under the frame's weight. Two more rushed at him, spears drawn, but the Kung Fu Master countered by jumping and twisting in mid-air. He clamped his arms around the neck of the first one, whilst mimicking the motion with his feet for the second. He rotated his whole body, making the rhinos to spin in air before falling to the floor, the impact causing them to crumple into heaps.

Another rhino tried to blindside Tai Lung with a mace, as he kicked himself to his feet, before he sidestepped the attack. With a single smooth motion, he disarmed the guard, spun on his heel, and drove the mace directly into his face. He swung the mace at half a dozen more guards, knocking them out instantly, before burying it into the mouth of a particularly brave victim.

Tai Lung then delivered a fierce rising kick to the guard, which sent him flying as he continued to shred through the rest of the guards, gradually making his way to the ground tier of the prison.

"Strong. Fast. Creative. Methodical. Well-trained. Wish I could fight him to see how I'd do." Luffy briefly allowed his hot-blooded nature to take over. His sentiment was share amongst the other, strong members of the crew.

In front of the snow leopard stood a final battalion of rhinos, headed by Vachir who still held Zheng in an iron grasp. They growled at each other, whilst the goose let out a helpless quack.

"We are dead So very, very dead." The messenger mewled pitifully.

"Way to state the obvious, pal!" In stark contrast to the other, stronger members; the cowards of the crew were foaming at the mouth out of fear.

"Not yet we're not. Now!" Upon the commander signal, an archer fired a flaming arrow, that soared upwards towards the massive stalactites that dangled from the top of the cave. The light from the flaming shot revealed that the protrusions of rock had explosives charges toed around each one… and the had just been ignited.

A cacophony of explosions rang through the prison as the stalactites collapsed onto the main catwalk, shattering it completely. Tai Lung growled in frustration, as he leapt from one crumbling mass of rock to another, before using the final stone as a springboard to make a final last jump towards the commander.

Claws outstretched, he missed Vachir by inches. He fell short, his claws scraping and sparking against the rock as he plummeted towards the bottom of the abyss.

Vachir laughed giddily, before giving a sardonic wave that made Tai Lung's blood boil. Looking upwards as he fell, he noticed that one of the activate charges had not yet exploded. With absurd agility, the snow leopard began running against the flow of the falling debris. To the onlooking guards he appeared as nothing more than a grey blur, rocketing upwards between the pillars of stone.

"Are you freaking kidding me? This crazy cat is fighting against gravity… and winning!" Franky shouted, incredulously.

With a final leap, the Kung Fu Master grabbed the stalactites and climbed to the detonator. With a mighty tug, he pulled it free from its housing, before hurling at the final battalion.

"Can we run now?" Zheng whimpered.

"Yes" Vachir replied sobbing in terror.

"I move to second that motion." Usopp moaned weakly.

The dynamite exploded outwards, immediately flinging the main gate to Chor-Gom wide open and sending the guards flying. Zheng landed in the snow outside, the layers of powder doing nothing to cushion his sharp fall. He coughed out smoke, before gasping after seeing the Vachir's horn prosthetic lying in the snow next to him, completely removed from the commanders face.

Zheng yelped as a large paw grabbed his neck, turning him face to face with Tai Lung. If he could sweat, then he would've formed an ocean by now.

Tai Lung sighed lightly, "I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I was forgotten." He reached out and, with a horrific tenderness, smoothed down Zheng's ruffled feathers. "Fly back there and tell them… the real Dragon Warrior is coming home."

Zheng nodded in terror, before Tai Lung gently threw him into the air, allowing him to flutter off into the distance. Lightning struck through the sky, as it became clear that the Valley of Peace wouldn't be staying peaceful for very long.

"Well that really got out of hand didn't it?" Brook choked nervously. "I really hope that panda is up to the task."

The sentiment was shared amongst the crew, but could it be done. How could a chubby, Kung Fu nerd stand against an unstoppable force of nature? Only time would tell.

…..

That's Act One completed. I want to thank everyone who actually bothered to read the prologue chapter, before addressing one big mistake I made. I absolutely should have released the prologue alongside the first Act just to make sure that you all knew what you would be getting yourselves into.

I also want to address a primary concern listed in multiple reviews. I will not drop this. I am fully committed to seeing this through to it's logical conclusion and, whilst my priorities will undeniably shift, I ask that you be patient.

That being said, I didn't expect to be writing a full on KFP novelization for this fic, but we are where we are, guess we'll have to keep on keeping on.

I want to give a special shoutout to Game2002, who gave me A LOT of great feedback for improvement. Thank you for your time.

That being said, the noose in the corner of my room is looking really inviting, so I best be off. See you in the next chapter.

Ciao.