Published May 3, 2020

"Pride and Sorrow"

Shadowsan did not frequently experience strong emotions. When he did, he was careful to either hide them, or to disguise them as emotions that would not arouse suspicion from his peers in a given situation.

Black Sheep was usually the one who caused Shadowsan to feel his strongest emotions. He often felt sorrow on her behalf. Sometimes he felt pride in her abilities and character. And sometimes he felt both sorry for her and proud of her at the same time.

For the first few months that Black Sheep lived on the island, Shadowsan could barely think about her without thinking about her father. But as time went on he was able to think less of Dexter Wolf and more about Black Sheep as an individual. She was a precocious child, bright despite her lack of discipline. She was the first person he could talk to openly and at length about Japan. He enjoyed telling her about his home country so much that he let down the stern demeanor that he maintained around his students.

Of course, that changed as Black Sheep grew older. While Coach Brunt coddled her and the other faculty members indulged her, Shadowsan made a greater effort not to treat her any differently than he did his students. That way, when she eventually asked to be allowed to enroll, his opposition did not surprise anyone.

He could not help feeling some pride during and after Black Sheep's stealth test. Shadowsan did not flatter himself that her skill was entirely or even primarily the result of his teaching, though he felt deserving of some degree of credit for training her. But seeing her ability and her persistence made Shadowsan feel increasingly sorry for failing her. Not that he regretted it; he firmly believed it to be the right thing, the best way to protect her.

Shadowsan felt proud when he heard that Black Sheep had intervened in the new operatives' first mission in order to save an innocent bystander's life. He had been right about her: she had both honor and courage. But he felt sorry that she had to learn the truth about V.I.L.E. from Crackle. One did not need to be a master of observation to see that she looked up to him like a brother. And Shadowsan knew all too well the pain of betrayal between brothers.

He wondered if her emotions during that mission were similar to his own during his first caper, or Hideo's upon realizing his brother had become his enemy. Or perhaps she had felt he way Shadowsan had when he realized there was one loose end he could not tie. It was fortunate that she had come to that realization before she herself committed any grave crimes.

Upon her return, Shadowsan did not dare to look too long at her or speak to her any more than necessary, for fear of letting his pride or pity show. He needed to act just as angry and disappointed in her as the other faculty members were. So unlike them, he did not offer any extra training or supervision to keep her in line.

He knew her seeming obedience was a charade, that she was secretly planning a way to escape. So he was not surprised by the code red on the night of Cookie Booker's annual visit.

He knew Black Sheep would not be able to escape on her own, since island security measures had been upgraded after her first would-be caper. And this might be Shadowsan's only opportunity to leave V.I.L.E. So he did what he could to help, sabotaging the helicopter and getting the cleaners out of the way.

But he did not reach her in time to join her.

Despite the hat and coat collar obscuring her face, he could just make out her facial expression as she pulled the motorboat away from the dock. She hated him as much as she ever had.

Perhaps she had a right to, though not for the reasons she thought. He had shaped her destiny in ways she probably would not have chosen for herself. He could only take solace in the fact that because of him, she was still able to have a destiny. And now she could forge her own path. He would not be able to guide her along it, at least not for now. But a burden was lifted from his heart knowing that she was free.