Chapter 7 – We all Stoopid
31 March 2010
The Daily Prophet Offices
Diagon Alley
Theo's Office
Theo Nott
There's nothing worse than a slow news day. It puts me on edge. My reporters get creative and then I have to be the arsehole. I hate being that bloody guy. The guy that makes them prove their claims with "verifiable facts" and yells at them for being incompetent. That was something that changed when I became Editor-in-Chief.
I miss gossip. When I was in school I kept my loud mouth closed and my ears open. It's amazing the information you overhear when people don't realize your really there. It wasn't like I looked for that kind of shite. Adolescent girls are fucking abominable at whispering. It's not whispering when a bloke can hear it two tables away. I promise on my life I never wanted to know that Ernie McMillian had a five inch cock, or that Anthony Goldstein like his arsehole played with when you lick his balls. I DID NOT need to know about the threesome Neville Longbottom had with Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood in actual seventh year. To this day it blows my mind how that stuttering fucktard could pull something like that. That's every wizards fantasy, and I promise, I swear to Merlin, I never had a fucking need to know any of the shite. For some fucking reason I am the go to guy if you ever wanted the sexual exploits of the people we went to school with. It's not gossip though if it's a secret, so I always told Drake.
It does help to be relatively unknown in my work. People talk when you look unsuspecting. It's lead me to some pretty decent stories.
The Daily Prophet was once nothing more than a gossip rag or propaganda tool for the Ministry. One day I'm pissed and wanting Drake to go to the pub, the next thing I know I have a job. I had no clue what the fuck I was doing, but luckily I'm not that stupid. I made a bunch of changes. I learned in my short existence, that the real story is usually more interesting than half truths and lies.
It was part of the job description Phea forced on me. At first, I was scared to death…ah hum, I was apprehensive about the career move. Then I started getting some really interesting topics from Phea. I had my reporters investigate old laws still on the books. I had them research our education system. We reported every law passed and who in the Wizengamot passed it. People were in an uproar for change. Real change. The public demanded the empty Wizengamot seats become electoral instead of hereditary. There were many seats that were sitting empty. Archaic laws were abolished. Pureblood laws that were passed in the last century were changed. Hogwarts started expanding their curriculum. By 2005 The Prophet's circulation tripled due to international sales. In 2007, I was given an Order of Merlin Second Class due to changes made to wizarding society under my management of The Daily Profit. It all started with Phea.
13 December 1999
The Daily Prophet Offices
Diagon Alley
Theo's Office
Theo
I started The Daily Profit a week ago. Merlin it's been hard learning all I need to know. I've had fun, and surprisingly everyone has been very helpful. I suspect the nice ones, are trying to undermind me to take my job. Ruthless the lot of them.
I wish I could tell them why I have the job, but the truth is, I'm not even sure why Madame Dagworth-Granger offered it to me. It baffles me, but I always did like writing. I have learned I am detailed oriented. I have already started planning out some visual changes that should be made to The Prophet. I wonder if Madame Dagworth-Granger would let me change the name to just The Prophet. I call it that in my head all the time now, even slipped out a couple of times in meetings.
I have a meeting with her any minute. She told me to stop printing gossip. She said to report news. Such a buzz kill, that woman. We have a editorial meeting. I'm sure it's just so she can tell me how shite I am at all this. Fuck! Ugh. I have to watch my language now. Apparently the word "fuck" isn't professional. I have found it's a very versatile word. It fits all my moods!
Here we go. Madame Dagworth-Granger breezes in to my office with all her pomp and circumstance, overdressed, wearing a very dainty tiara, and carrying a thin briefcase.
Today she is wearing a really old-fashioned dress. The kind women wore with the giant arse. Fashion alludes me, seriously! Why did women ever think that a dress with a giant arse looked good? It's all tailored and conservative from the front, but then they turn to the side and that giant arse is popping out. I like a good juicy arse on a woman myself, but hell it looks like you could just hop on for a ride….Oh, maybe that's why?
"Good morning, Mr. Nott. I believe we have a meeting today."
Miraculously she is able to sit in the chair. How is that possible? I say, "Pardon me Madame Dagworth-Granger, I was lost in a thought. How are you this fine day?"
She gives me a disapproving look and says, "Indeed."
Why does this old hag always look like she's sucking on a fucking lemon? I clear my throat Umbridge style and say, "Thank you for taking time from you busy schedule to come talk to me today. I have really enjoyed my first week here. I have some ideas…."
She interrupts, (no manners this one) and says, "That is exactly why I am here today. I have brought you a story or possibly several. We will need your best researchers and best writers. As you know, I have let go of the previous editor because he was in the pockets of the Ministry and the Purebloods. The Babbling's have owned The Daily Prophet since it was just a long hand-written piece of parchment distributed at the price of a knut for a month's time subscription. They haven't been involved with the day to day business since around the end of the Grindelwald fiasco in 1945. Mostly, they hired editors and collected their profits. Bathsheda Babbling was critically injured in the Battle of Hogwarts. It took her some time to recover. I purchased all rights to the paper from her for a great too many galleons, but I felt it was time for change."
She digs around in her briefcase and pulls out a piece of parchment and says, "I am going to paraphrase this information. I expect your researchers to verify all of this information. I have here a list of all the schools world wide. The M.A.S.T. is the Magical Aptitude Standardized Test that 15 out of the 16 magical schools around the world use to test their graduating students. When a witch or wizard is hired by International Confederation of Wizards or I.C.W. if you will, new employees or a country's representatives are required to re-take this test."
"In the United Kingdom, we have different tests for our students, The Ordinary Wizarding Levels or O.W.Ls are taken at Hogwarts in Fifth Year and the Nearly Exhausting Wizarding Tests or N.E.W.Ts are taken in Seventh Year. Students in the United Kingdom stopped taking the M.A.S.T. in the early 1930's, and new tests were created for all British students."
Wait….What? "Why?"
She smiles, "Yes, why, indeed?" She hands me the parchment and I take a look.
The parchment reads as follows:
I.C.W Rank of Schools Based on New Hires 1990-1999
Magical school rankings from highest to lowest.
Summary: The mean scores from new hires and legislative representatives in the last decade and the age in which magical students begin their theoretical and practical magic education.
1-Mahoutokoro (Japan) 97% (Age 3)
2-Li De (China) 93% (Age 5)
3-Whitestar Academy of Magic (Canada) 92.5% (Age 5)
4-Durmstang Institute (Norway) 91% (Age 5)
5-Erehnoll (Ireland) 90.5% (Age 5)
6-Zauberhaft Institute (Germany) 88% (Age 3)
7-Borealis School of Magical Learning (Canada) 86% (Age 5)
8-Ilvermory School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (United States) 85.5% (Age 5)
9-Troppo Bonza School of Magic (Australia) 84% (Age 4)
10-Salem Witches and Wizards Institute (United States) 82% (Age 5)
11-Beauxbatons Academy of Magic (France) 81% (Age 5)
12-Castlebruxo (Brazil) 80% (Age 5)
13-Koldovstoretz (Russia) 78% (Age 5)
14-Uagadou School of Magic (Lesotho) 75% (Age 8)
15-Satinka Institute (United States) 73.5% (Age 5)
16-Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (United Kingdom) 42% (Age 11)
This has to be a fucking joke! I'm looking at this and I have so many fucking questions right now that my brain actually hurts! I take a look at it again. Then again. I keep opening my mouth and then closing it. I look at Ophelia and the fucking hag is smug. SMUG! Fucking hag!
Then I remember when we were talking a few weeks ago at Drake's. Purebloods were scared and feared muggles. They really started isolating themselves. Why would they change testing? I'm so confused!
Then the questions just start filling my head and I start asking, "Was this just strictly for this decade? Because there was a war! Of course, but this is the average for the entire decade? How did nobody know that the entire country was not measuring up to the rest of the world? Wait how long has this country not been measuring up to the rest of the whole world? Has this been going on for decades? You said they changed it in the 1930's, was the curriculum changed in the 1930's too? Wait Phineas Nigellas Black was headmaster until 1935, was he responsible? Who would benefit from the entire country knowing less than the entire fucking world? Shite, damn it, sorry for my inappropriate and unprofessional language, Madame Dagworth-Granger, ma'am." Fuck, am I blushing? I put my elbows on the desk and cover my eyes. This is fucking….fuck I'm too fucking stupid to come up with a word that will work. Fucking Salazar…we all stoopid! UGH!!!
Ophelia gently says, "Mr. Nott there are some instances that word is completely appropriate. I do believe I had a similar reaction. However, Mr. Nott, I do believe I have chosen wisely with you. You are now thinking like a reporter."
I sit up and look at her. She is smiling a smile that is warm and kind and not even a little bit like the hag I know. I smile. And ask again, "Who would benefit by devaluing the education of an entire nation? Who was alive that long ago that this would benefit?"
She smirks and asks, "Who is the most powerful wizard you have ever known, Mr. Nott?
Merlin's fucking ballsack! " Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore…."
She smirks again, and says, Got it in one, Mr. Nott!"
Fuck! I should have asked more questions when I took this position. So I ask, "This is going to cause chaos. Can The Daily Prophet handle the backlash from this information?"
She thinks for a few seconds and then answers, "Mr. Nott, I want total anarchy. I spent 73 years of my life playing a role of the perfect, socialite, pureblood wife. I watched as men started to make detrimental mistakes that caused so much pain and hate in this world. I've lived by man's rules on how to be a woman. Then this life took my soul mate from this sphere. Then I had to learn to break the rules and be a woman in the man's world of business. I played my roles and wore my masks just like everyone else in polite society. We are merely exposing the lies we have been told. I want to create a world where my gr-godson can love his soul mate without someone else's expectations. I want to see real magic return to England not some watered down version some megalomaniac is trying to sell us. I want peace and love. Love is powerful. It's the most beautiful magic that exists. Love can create nothing into everything. Love can move mountains. I am doing everything within my power, to move many mountains before I leave this sphere. I'm not worried about any mole hills along the way."
Whew! Fair enough! Fuck we are doing this! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It's really fucking hot in here. I can do this….I can do this. "Great! I have a few more questions before I call a staff meeting this afternoon. All of these schools start way before 11, look at this one! They start school at 3!!! THREE!!! I don't know what one does at three years old, but I'm quite sure I played in my own poo. How are they teaching babies magic? Why were we always told our magical cores were not developed until we were 11? Do they let these 3 year olds have wands? I would have really liked a nice stick for my poo."
I have tears in my eyes and everything just feels like it too much to handle. I'm perspiring, I think I shaking. Fuck! I continue talking really fast, "I know this is highly unprofessional, but I just all the sudden feel my whole life was a fabrication. You were right my father was a cruel man. He wasn't necessarily cruel to me, he just ignored me. That is really very cruel for a kid. I find out today just all this information, and my father's dead and I didn't even care, but now I feel guilty for not even caring, and I can't avada him myself for all the lies he made me believe. I'm so over my head and I can't say all the things I need to say right now because I was taught manners, but it's hard not to say everything that is in my head now, and I need to say when….why is it so hot in this room?" I'm breathing heavy and then I feel tiny arms around me and I-I'm fucking crying.
Madame Dagworth-Granger has her arms wrapped around me from the side and she tries to soothe me. "Shhhh. It's going to be ok. I have given you a lot of information today, and I have given you a huge responsibility. I know you can do it. I know this is exactly what you will excel at. How about a spot of tea, hmm?"
I sniffle and take a deep breath, "That would be lovely, thank you."
She goes back to her seat and calls for her elf, and before I know it I'm sipping tea feeling like an complete fucking tosser.
She gives me that warm smile, and says, "Mr. Nott, I gave you this responsibility because I know the man you are. You hide a smart, kind man inside a lot of bravado. Grieving has a process to it. My Hector was taken from me on 21 March 1972. I have physically felt his loss every day." She takes her hand and places it above her heart. "Here. It is as if my heart is empty. The Summer of '72, I made a frightful scene at a garden party. I'm not quite sure Agatha Goyle ever forgave me for calling her a daft cow. If I can break my mask in front of pureblood society, I can't hold it against you, when you break yours with an old hag like me."
I smile, "Thank you Madame Dagworth-Granger, I apologize for such uncouth behavior. I'm sure if this Agatha Goyle was anything else like the lot, she was probably, indeed a daft cow."
For the first time, we share a laugh.
She wipes a tear from her eye and says, "Humans have been breeding dogs for 15,000 years, Mr. Nott. Wizards have been doing the same with magic. Innate magic was once singular. Certain families had certain abilities, for example, the Dagworths were very talented with replication, a form of transfiguration. Not only could they replicate the item, but became quite talented in replicating any magic attached to the object as well. Blacks were extremely talented at blood magic or hemomancy. The Lestranges are known for Spiritual Magic. For centuries connections were made to enhance family magic. Families taught their children magic from a very young age. Many children experience their first accidental magic at the age of two. It is not accidental, we are born with magic. Even muggles can dab into spiritual magic. They call this spiritual energy or in the East they call it Chi. It is the magic of our very souls. Even some muggles are able to see auras. A witch with this magic is able to see not only auras, but also bonds, magical cores, and ley lines."
I interrupt, "I thought that was all codswallop."
She smiles, "To a great many men it is. The ability tends to develop with witches. They stopped teaching spiritual magic at Hogwarts with the turn of the century. I believe you went to school with a girl who's mother was a LeStrange. She married a man named Lovegood."
Wait, what? "Looney Lovegood? Last year she told me I had whackspurts."
"Yes, well it can be quite confusing to see fluctuations in people's auras. After a war, I image there were a great many fluctuations in auras around her. She probably lacked the education to give it the proper name."
I look up at her and I remember our conversation a couple weeks ago. She talked about men and fear and from what little I know of auras, I'm sure fear could be seen. I carefully ask, "You are able to do this?"
She smirks and says, "I was quite the matchmaker in my day. My great-grandmother was a LeStrange after all. I digress though. Children were taught magic at a young age. Ollivander's once supplied child wands. They were restricting, but I learned Windgardium Leviosa at the age of 4. As a matter of fact, the majority of spells taught at Hogwarts today, I learned before I even arrived at Hogwarts."
My mind is reeling. I say, "Everyone is unable to use magic now until they are 11. We are taught magical theory by our governess or tutors, but no one can have a wand until they are ready to go to Hogwarts. How did anyone get this approved by pureblood families?"
She smiles and lifts her briefcase again and pulls out an old Daily Prophet and hands it to me. It's dated 10 January 1946 and the Headline reads:
Our Children are in DANGER!!!
By: Burchard Prince
A recent study by World Renowned Healer Felix Rosier has found significant damage may occur to a child's magical core prior to the age 11 if the child practices magic. Healer Rosier with the approval from Board of Governors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and headmaster, Armando Dippitt conducted the study over the first term of the 1945-1946's school year.
According to Healer Rosier, the studies show Pureblood families whom have taught their children magic and have allowed them to practice magic at a young age are showing signs of damaged magical cores. This damage could worsen as they age, and could effect future generations. Healer Rosier states, "I fear for our pureblood children. Some children started practicing magic as early as three years old after the first signs of magic appeared in the child. The mudbloods and poor half-bloods show signs of stronger magical cores because they didn't start practicing magic until the age of 11. We must reform our law to save the future magic in subsequent generations."
The Wizengamot laws currently allow children under the age 11 to use magic and own a wand. Children are allowed to practice magic in their homes. Many pureblood families are providing their children full practical magical education before attending Hogwarts. A damaged magical core could pass to future generations, and destroy magic in all of Great Britain leaving our future to mudbloods and half-bloods.
What can be done to save our children? Stay tuned as this story develops.
I look up from the article blinking my eyes. This is barmy! So I ask, "Was there any truth to this article? Is there evidence of this study?"
She sighs, "Yes there was a study conducted. However, there was no further studies or studies to try to contradict this study at least in Great Britian. The Daily Prophet ran articles for weeks with this study. The outpouring for change was immediate. Parents threw away their children's wands and changed their children's education at home. The Wizengamot was inundated with letters from concerned parents asking for the change in laws. The laws were changed and the Trace on underage magic was put in place to deter excessive use that may cause further damage to their children. Purebloods, half-bloods, and muggle-borns were then dependent on Hogwarts for all practical magical education."
Merlin fucking dungbombs! This would have effected my grandfather's generation. "Is there any proof Dumbledore was behind all of this?"
She smiles and picks up her briefcase and starts pulling out books, or I guess, they are journals. How did she fit all of this into her tiny briefcase? As she is setting them on my desk she starts talking and says, "Phineas Nigellas Black and Albus Dumbledore did not keep journals. Armando Dippitt was 298 years old when he became headmaster in 1935 after Phineas Nigellas Black's sudden death. He was headmaster from 1935 to 1965. He was very old and sometimes confused, so he kept journals." There has to be 30 books there.
I look her dead in the eye and I ask, "Do I want to know how you acquired these?"
She smirks and says, "Probably not."
I think this hag is my new fucking hero!
She then hands me a parchment with two handwritten columns and says, "Here is a list of what Hogwarts offers for classes in 1999 and what they offered in 1891 when I started Hogwarts. I may have forgotten a couple classes, it was a few years ago, but I'm sure Minerva could offer you a complete list if you asked her to. They do have records of this at Hogwarts. I'll send her an owl and have a discussion with her tomorrow."
I look at the list, and in the first column.
1999
-Alchemy (only offered to Sixth and Seventh year only if 20 students are interested)
-Ancient Runes
-Arithmancy
-Astronomy
-Care of Magical Creatures
-Charms
-Defense Against the Dark Arts
-Divination
-Herbology
-History of Magic (Great Britian centric)
-Muggle Studies (very outdated and bigoted)
-Potions
-Transfiguration
The second column reads:
1891
-Abjuration (Protection/Wards)
-Alchemy
-Ancient Runes
-Apparation (This was a year long class and required. Today there are a large percentage of splinching incidents compared to that time)
-Art History
-Astrology (later added to and briefly mentioned in Astronomy)
-Astronomy
-Broomology
-Care of Magical Creatures
-Charms
-Conjuration (form of Transfiguration)
-Curses and Curse/Breaking (later added and briefly mentioned in Charms)
-Dark Arts
-Defense
-Divination
-Domestic Magic for Witches (misogynist tripe)
-Elemental Magic (ability to manipulate the five elements of earth, air, fire, water, and time)
-Etiquette
-French
-Genealogy
-Greek
-Herbology
-Hieroglyphics (later added to Ancient Runes and briefly mentioned)re
-History of Magic in Great Britain
-History of World Magic
-Jinxes (added to Charms curriculum later)
-Latin
-Magical Folklore and Literature
-Magical Theory
-Music History and Theory
-Occlumency/Legilimens (Later added to DADA and briefly mentioned)
-Painting (Mostly technique and some on the charms for magical portraits)
-Piano
-Potions
-Spiritual Magic
-Transfiguration
-Violin
-Wandlore
-Wandless Magic
I'm just staring at this, it's maddening to see such a huge difference. I'm still a little bit in shock. The research is going to be a nightmare. Good thing I like research and can have others do the shite I don't want to. Phew! Then I see something I'm curious about.
"Madame Dagworth-Granger, why would there be an entire class for Occlumency and Legilimens, it's just a single spell?"
She looks at me and says, "It's an art." Then I feel a warmth that's like puppy crups and rainbows and in my head I hear her voice say, " Mr. Nott legilimens requires great finess ." Then I feel a stinging pain like I've experienced before with my father and she says " That is just a spell. I bet you'll think twice about calling me a hag again!"
I'm sitting there with my mouth hanging open because she just did that all non-verbally and wandlessly. Fuck how much of my thoughts has she been reading? Merlin's fucking ballsack!
She gets up from her seat and when she reaches the door she turn around and says, "Mr. Nott, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Then leaves and I'm still staring at the closed door.
31 March 2010
The Daily Prophet Offices
Diagon Alley
Theo's Office
Theo Nott
I'm still sitting at my desk with the memory of Phea from that day when I hear a knock on my office door.
"Come in, it's open."
I look up and see Drake there, and he looks excited and nervous and a little bit on edge. What the fuck?
"Wotcher Drake?"
He paces for a minute and plops into the chair in front of my desk, the really uncomfortable one I keep in here so people won't stay.
He says, "I need your help."
Of course he does I'm a fucking genius! "Absolutely, whatever you need."
"Can you meet me at my flat at five this evening?"
"I'll be there."
He gets up to leave and gets to the door and turns around and asks, "Why the fuck are you wearing a tiara?"
I smirk, "Oh, I found it in the bottom drawer of my desk."
He shakes his head and leaves.
I look at the note that is sitting in the open box in front of me and it reads:
Theo,
I truly believe the aquamarine will really bring out your eyes.
Love,
Phea