Chapter Thirty-Five: Today I'm Still Breathing
Trigger Warning – This chapter contains situations dealing with suicide.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005 - Angela
One day, two, three. A week.
Eight days and it still felt like I was standing in that driveway watching my lover walk away. I felt tired, sick and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed most days. My parents had all but given up on me, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to care. I kept swinging from angry to devastated and everything in between. I could barely keep food down, and I knew that I was self-destructing.
It was Tuesday morning, and my parents were already out of the house, my brothers at daycare. I hadn't attempted to go to school in days, and today was no different. The very thought of school made me feel nauseous, hell everything made me feel nauseous. I tried to distract myself with my guitar, then online, television, I even tried to pleasure myself… nothing worked. I was bored and restless, despite feeling like I had barely enough energy to move around the house.
After two hours, I realized I was feeling stir crazy. After trying to figure out my options, going on a drive, going to school… running away from everything. I decided I should get some exercise and get out of the house. Reasoning that a walk around town would kill two birds with one stone. Of course, walking around Forks was blatantly breaking the rules of being home sick, but I honestly didn't mind if I got caught. My sick excuse was already beyond inexcusable, despite Carlisle giving me a note.
As I was walking through the small downtown center of Forks, I noticed Renée Dwyer, Bella's mom, going into one of the shadiest local bars. It wasn't like her to be drinking in the middle of the day, but after everything that had happened, I couldn't blame her for trying to drown her sorrows. In a way I wished I could join her. Yet even though I could barely function, I felt a strange obligation to make sure she was alright.
There was no one at the door, and the bartender just rolled his eyes at me, but didn't bother to ask to see my identification. The scent of stale beer and whiskey permeated the place and made me gag a little, but I braved the smell and made my way over to Bella's mother. Renée already had an empty glass sitting in front of her, and I could tell it wasn't the first of the day from her posture.
"Angela." Rosalie said from behind me, and as I glanced back, I could see the worry in her eyes.
"Renée." I said motioning towards the focus of my attention. I was glad someone was there, and pressed myself into her side for support. She didn't say anything, she just pulled me close. Her presence provided me a small boost of confidence and clarity, and I felt strong enough to separate from her and walk over to Renée, taking the glass from her hand as she was about to down another shot.
She looked at me with shock on her face, until she recognized me.
Then her expression soured, "Angela what do you want? Why did you take my drink?" She sounded dismissive, angry and detached. It was as if the scattered, lovely woman that she had once been, was all but gone. It was obvious why, losing both Bella and Charlie so close together broke her will to live. She didn't even have Phil to lean on anymore, so she was in this crummy bar wasting away. I looked back at Rose unsure of what to do but she just shrugged and motioned for me to continue.
"I'm here because Charlie and Bella would've wanted me to be here." She threw me a look of such sorrow that I couldn't quite absorb the depth of her pain.
"Why do you care, you're not my daughter." She spit back at me.
"You're right, I'm not your daughter, I'm just here to make sure you don't throw your life away." I said as sternly as I could muster.
"Why, what do I have left? I can't care anymore, just leave me alone." She pushed past me and out the door. It was at that moment that the bartender finally decided to take notice of my age and threw me out, so I fled into the dim afternoon. Rain had just begun to fall as I made my way down the block, Rose just fell in step beside me without a word of protest.
"Rose, do you know which way she went?" I asked without looking over at her.
"This way." She directed, and we walked in silence for a couple of minutes, finally catching sight of Renée as she went into another bar.
"Angela, we're worried about you." I could hear the concern in Rose's voice, but I wasn't in the mood to hear it. I stopped and turned to look at her, and I could tell that she wasn't just pretending to care.
"I'm fine. Just been feeling lousy." I lied, because I couldn't bring myself to tell her how badly I ached, and how much I felt like the world was closing in on me.
"You're not fooling anyone; you look as bad as Renée." She said with a worried frown and small shake of her head.
"Thanks." I replied with bitter sarcasm. "I know I should be better than this, but I don't even know if she's dead. I don't know if I'll ever see him again." I said feeling like I had said too much, my voice uneven and I was ashamed of how broken I sounded. Rosalie attempted a soft sympathetic smile, but it came out a little forced. Yet it was nice to see that her eyes had started to return to their usual topaz that highlighted her glorious blonde hair, all that was left of the red was a small crimson circle around the outer edge that made her eyes look a little bloodshot.
"You know, fuck it. Bella needs you right, and so does Carlisle and Esme. Hell, I could use a sister to lean on. Emmett and Edward are gods knows where looking for a woman bent on killing members of our family. Bella and I are not with them romantically, but they are our brothers and all of us are going a little insane with worry. We haven't heard from them in nearly a week. So, I get it. This sucks, it hurts. But we're family, and we have to lean on each other to get through it. And did you say she?" Rosalie spoke with more passion and conviction than I had ever heard from her.
"That's a long story, but yeah. Mason has the ability to change shape, and was born a woman. The face she wears now is a tribute to an old friend who died a century ago. Her real name is Tahlia, and she's still the love of my life. Who is probably being tortured right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. But I can help Bella's mother. Help me, and then take me home and I'll try to figure out how to function again for you and Bella and the family." I said with as much strength as I could conjure.
"That's a lot, but oddly not surprising. So do you mean…" She cocked her head slightly, trying to understand what I meant.
"Home. Our home. My human life is over. It has been for a while now. I need to be ready for what's coming. I need to be able to fight for my family, my sister, I can't be alone anymore." I felt my body sigh just getting out that much emotion.
"Let's do this and get back, maybe pick up some food for you. You really do look awful." She pulled me into a quick tight hug. The contact felt good, and I felt easy tears start to fall.
"I needed that; thank you Rose." Even just trying to express gratitude felt like a strain on my exhausted nerves.
"Angela? You know you can talk to me, I'm here for you. You seem oddly emotional." Rose said, squeezing my shoulder.
"I've been like this for days, at first it was just pain. Then anger, and now I'm all over the place. I'm up and down, hungry and nauseous. Nothing makes sense anymore." I frowned, I had never had problems with my emotional stability before, of course I had never been in love before.
"Sounds like love to me. Bella makes my toes tingle, I swear I feel my heart beating again around her. I should tell you my story sometime, it might put things into perspective." She gave me a knowing smile.
"I'd like that. Let's go." I replied, hoping her story would bring me some clarity. Rose nodded and we headed down to the next bar, for a small town of three thousand, there were five bars in the downtown area which always struck me as excessive. As we got to the door Rose shook her head.
"She's already gone. We must've missed her, or she snuck out the back. I'll see if I can catch her scent again." Rose led me around the building, she picked up a recently stomped out cigarette butt, and cringed at the smell of it, but nodded once.
"Got it. She's this way." She said and immediately started walking. We moved through the streets of Forks in silence, until we came across the Washington Inn, the long-term hotel that Renée had been staying at. I already knew which room to go to, but when we got there the door was ajar.
"Renée, It's Angela." I announced loudly enough for her to hear even in the rear bathroom. I looked over and Rose's eyes were wide and wild.
"I can't go in there. I'll get help, do what you can." She didn't explain and ran off almost too quickly.
"Renée?" I said entering the room feeling my heart in my throat. The lights weren't on, but I could make out empty bottles and full ashtrays scattered around the room. The stench made me retch, a combination of alcohol, cigarette smoke and a hint of vomit not properly cleaned up. Fear started to ratchet up as I moved through the dark space towards the bathroom. The door was shut, and locked. I hesitated for a second, but then knocked hard.
"Renée!" I shouted and jiggled the handle. "Renée, can you hear me?" I asked again even louder.
"Go away!" She said after a prolonged silence.
"Angela, she's hurt herself." Rose whispered from the doorway. "Blood."
"Renée, will you open the door?" I said more gently. "I have good news about Charlie, he's alive and wants to see you."
"What?" She replied barely above a whisper.
"Yes, and I'll take you to him, I promise." My words felt hollow, and I was tired of trying to hold back tears. It killed me that it wasn't a lie, but she would never know. Almost a minute went by, and I started to say something else when I heard a noise, like someone trying to stand and collapsing.
"I can't get up." She finally said. "Help." I tried to kick the door in, but I didn't have the strength. I looked over at Rose, who looked down almost in shame and shook her head.
"I can't." Her voice was a bit panicked, and her body was visibly shaking.
"I don't have the strength." I admitted and fell back against the wall of the closet behind me. She looked at me and took a deep breath and held it. She moved through the room at nearly a blur, and in less than a second the door was open, nearly knocked off its hinges. Renée was on the floor, clearly collapsed from weakness and lying in a pool of blood coming from a long deep cut on her right wrist. Rose lingered above her for several seconds, staring at the blood, but eventually turned and ran back outside the room. I pulled myself up and used a towel to put pressure on the wound, then I got her head into my lap.
"Help is coming." I tried to sound soothing, stroking her hair.
"Bella, oh my Bella." She muttered, clinging to me tightly.
As we waited, I kept staring at the blood pooled on the floor. In the darkness of the room it looked black, and it was almost as if I could smell it. I found myself reaching for it as the paramedics arrived three minutes later and took her away. I had trouble finding the will to get up, but when I did, I found Rosalie outside standing next to her red Mercedes.
"This is too much. I don't think Bella is going to handle this very well." Expressing my primary worry as we got in her car.
"You're right. Losing a parent is hard, but losing a child… I can't imagine what Renée's going through." Rose looked deeply upset and shook her head as she started the engine.
"I didn't lie to her; I think that is what hurts the most. She'll never know that they are both still alive. We have to do something to help her, but I don't know what to do." I couldn't think of a solution, beyond turning her into a vampire so she could be with her family. Which even in my current state, I knew was an appalling and horrible idea.
"Do you have Phil's number?" Her suggestion made sense, but I didn't know how she left things with her second husband.
"No, but Bella does. That's a good idea, I think, maybe, I don't know." I couldn't process anything, and the only thing I could think of was getting Bella and Charlie's advice. Yet how could we tell them what happened?
"So, I wasn't going to bring it up. But we're taking Bella to Seattle tomorrow to get her new papers. Even now, I think Bella needs the distraction. When we leave this place, she'll need to have a new identity. We could put in an order for you as well. Do you want to go with us? We're probably hitting a mall while we're at it. Maybe convince Alice to go, she seems very reluctant to make the trip with us." Rose sounded almost enthusiastic about the whole trip idea.
"Might as well, I'm not going back to school. I may not be on Alice's most favorite list right now, not after how I…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I had screamed at Alice after Mason left, it was utterly unfair to her, but she was an easy target for my anger at the time.
"Alice feels just as bad as you do right now. She's so alone, and I think she needs someone to reach out to her. Bella and I have tried several times, Esme tried almost a dozen times, Carlisle made a few attempts to get her to come out of her isolation. I think she might need you to forgive her." Rosalie looked frustrated, and she clearly didn't have an answer to helping Alice. I nodded once, but I wasn't sure I had any place forgiving Alice, when I was the one who was in the wrong.
"Anyway, don't worry about school. I know Carlisle would insist you finish out your senior year, but you'll be in a new school in a couple of years anyway. Then you and Bella can be proper sisters." Rosalie thought she was being helpful, but the idea of going back to high school in a couple of years sounded like a nightmare.
"You and Alice too, we would all look pretty great together." I tried to make it sound fun, although I wasn't sure if I was remotely successful.
"Oh, I think I'm skipping the school cycle this time. Plus, five of us were already too many, seven… yikes. Trust me, by your third graduation it gets to be rote." She shook her head and let out a small chuckle.
"Thank you Rose, for being there today." I said as sincerely as possible, and she turned and flashed me a grateful smile.
"That's what sisters are for, to be a shoulder." She said easily.
"I've never had a sister, and mom isn't really all that affectionate." I hadn't meant to voice my inner musing, but it was true. Mom was a lot of things, but she was never my friend.
"Well, you got three of them now, plus Esme who almost counts as two. I should call Carlisle and let him know about what happened." She pulled out her phone and dialed, putting it on speakerphone so I could hear. "Carlisle, there was a situation with Renée. Paramedics should be bringing her into emergency now."
"Thank you. I'll make sure she's taken care of." He sounded confident and concise but knowing Carlisle I could tell he was deeply upset by the news.
"I have Angela with me, we'll tell Bella about Renée." Rose continued, looping me into the conversation by putting the phone on speaker.
"Of course. How are you doing Angela?" Carlisle asked, worry clear in his tone.
"Going crazy, how about you?" I hadn't meant to be flippant, but I couldn't think of anything better to say.
"Likewise. I'll be home as soon as I can, will you be staying for a while?" He sounded like there were things he wanted to discuss with me, which suited me fine.
"I'm not leaving." Restating my desire to officially join the family.
"Then we'll talk in a few hours." Carlisle ended the call on his end.
"Your room is just as you left it." Rosalie said with a smile.
"Is Charlie going to be a problem?" I realized that maybe I had been wrong to assume their house was safe for me.
"No, he's nearly as controlled as Bella, but in a different way. He is still volatile, but he can literally shut off his impulses like a light. I've never seen anything like it. Plus my compulsion has given him even more control than he would've naturally." Rose sounded impressed, which was interesting. "Plus, I can make him think he's a toad if he gets out of hand."
I let out a short loud airy laugh. "Is he a shield like Bella?" I shook my head at the imagery of Chief Swan sitting like a frog in a corner of Carlisle's office saying 'ribbit' every few seconds.
"Maybe, but we don't think he's a mental shield." She didn't sound sure of anything, which was fair.
"I don't even know what that means." I said at a loss, Tahlia had explained gifts several times in front of me, and I still couldn't quite grasp the concept. Maybe it was the idea that people I knew had super-powers.
"That's okay, I don't really either. Thankfully we have our cousin Eleazar, he can detect the gifts of other vampires." Rose glanced over at me to gauge my reaction. I tried not to react, and just raised an eyebrow and gave her a sideways glance.
"Like my beloved." I frowned, it hurt to say their name out loud so I used another term of affection, which almost felt worse.
"I don't think Eleazar can see that much, but yes." Rosalie answered, nodding once.
"They are a part of the Denali, our cousins from Alaska?" I asked, feeling like drawing out the conversation was better than sitting in silence on the long drive to their house.
"Yup. Tanya, Kate, Irina, Eleazar, Carmen and Laurent just joined them last year. Although there is some drama with Laurent, apparently he was the coven mate that Victoria and James were searching for." Her eyebrows were raised, but she didn't seem to have much emotion behind this revelation.
"Maybe he would be a good place to start looking for answers." I suggested, wondering why no one else thought of that.
"That's the drama. He says he doesn't know much, but Tanya's working on him. I told her that I could force it out of him, but she didn't understand what I meant." Rose chuckled slightly, but then sighed.
"I guess that's something. Maybe I should thank Tanya for trying." I said trying to gauge my own reaction to any kind of news about Victoria.
"You should thank Jasper, he got back to us with the Laurent lead. We hadn't even heard that he and Irina were mates." Rose said with a touch of surprise in her voice.
"Jasper. Wow, I haven't thought about him in a while." I shook my head, wondering how Alice took the news that Jasper helped the family.
"He offered help if we needed it, so that's at least one ally we can count on." Rose looked satisfied with that confirmation, perhaps a small relief that we weren't alone in the upcoming fight.
"God, I can't think about that right now. The idea that most of us won't survive what's coming. It's why I need to be turned, maybe I can help in a way we cannot anticipate. Mason said I would have a gift." I could barely think about him without bursting into tears, and saying his name almost burned on my tongue.
"Yeah, I know, we all do. This entire situation with you is impossible. I guess you should say goodbye to your parents at least." She didn't seem happy with the idea, which followed the rest of the family's reaction. Although I knew it was more about my throwing my human life away.
"I'll call mom and tell her I'm spending time with Alice tonight. I haven't told them that he left town, but I should probably spend at least one more evening at home to say goodbye. Then, I guess we can fake my death." I wasn't sure if Forks could take another unexplained death on top of Bella and Charlie, but I had to do something. "Or maybe I should just leave a letter saying I'm running away. God, why is this so hard?"
"Are you sure?" Rose asked, clearly concerned.
"Yes. It's my only choice now." I answered, not sure how resolute I felt about that answer.
"Angela, you're still human. You can have a life, if you hate it here, we can set you up anywhere you want to go. You don't have to jump into this with both feet." Her offer was the same as his, and as appealing it sounded, it was the selfish choice. If I stayed human, I had to be there for my parents. But that would potentially condemn my new family to whatever horrible fate was coming. I knew I had a part to play in that conflict, I just didn't know how large a part. I was so tired of the question, of the decision. I had already made up my mind when I thought I had a future with… him… her. What difference did it make now that she was gone? I still had the rest of them, who could help carry me and get me through this pain. Unlike my parents who didn't know what I was going through.
"Maybe, but I don't have the strength anymore to fight. Maybe if I'm no longer human, I'll be able to move on." I finally replied, trying to make sense of all of it.
"It doesn't work that way, trust me." She said, shaking her head.
"You don't even like humans." I looked over at Rose with a touch of incredulity.
"Like. It isn't that I don't like humans, I envied them. Although not so much anymore." She said softly, her voice had a different quality to it than I had ever heard before.
"I don't understand." I couldn't fathom what she meant.
"Alright, I don't know if this is the right time, but here it goes. When I was human, I wanted nothing more than to be married, and have a child. I was engaged to a man named Royce, he was rich and handsome, and wrong. He should've been the answer to my wishes, but he was more of a nightmare. One night, I was walking home alone after a function with my mother. Royce was loitering outside of a local pub along with several of his friends. He was my betrothed, I thought I trusted him. He… He betrayed that trust in the most vile way imaginable." Her voice cracked slightly, and I could see she was lost in the memories.
"He grabbed me and brandished me to his friends, tearing at my clothes to show off my body. When I started to cry out and resist, he hit me so hard that blacked out. When I woke up, I was in a dark alleyway, and they were having fun. Taking turns having their way with me, and beating me when I cried. When they were finished, they left me there for dead. That's when Carlisle found me, I was begging for help, begging to stay alive. He knew I was dying and thought he was helping me. It took me a long time to come to terms with what he turned me into. I have ruined one marriage in the process. I'm glad I had Emmett, and I love my family, but I'm so happy to have found Bella and I'm looking forward to having you and Mason in my life." Rose looked like she was crying, despite the lack of tears falling down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know." I said as sympathetically as I could. She glanced over at me, and then we turned off onto their driveway. As we approached, Esme, Bella and Charlie appeared in the doorway.
"Don't worry about it, I just thought it might help you to know my story." She said with a small smile as we stopped, and she turned off the engine.
"Rose, will I be okay?" I asked, feeling confused and scared and terrified I was going to live forever without the person I loved.
"Eventually, one way or another. Pain always fades, no matter how intense. By the way, you should really tell the family about Tahlia." She sighed, and got out. I followed a few seconds later, and Bella immediately rushed over to me. She looked happy, but I shook my head at her.
"Bella, Charlie. I have some news about Renée." I started and Bella's face changed, her eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly.
"What happened?" Charlie said from behind her, his expression was hard, yet it was clear he was holding back emotion.
"She's been drinking, and this afternoon she tried to… tried to commit suicide. Carlisle is taking care of her, she's at the hospital now." I couldn't keep the emotion out of my voice, and Bella's reaction broke my heart. She closed her eyes in pain and shook her head as Rosalie moved over and pulled her close.
"I have to see her; I have to tell her." She said barely above a whisper.
"We can't Bella, she would never understand." Charlie said unexpectedly.
"We have to do something." Bella looked back, her face twisted and broken, she was almost clinging to Rosalie for support.
"What can we do?" Charlie said with a shrug. "Renée has always been impossible, and I doubt her attempt was real. She needs to hit rock bottom, it will make her face her life. Bells, we can't interfere anymore, as much as we might want to."
"I don't know if I can. She needs me." Bella said with a strangled voice.
"She needed you when you chose this life, she needed you when you decided to move here. You have abandoned her twice already Bella. This isn't about her, it's about your guilt." Charlie looked angry, and his words were deeply unfair. Bella threw herself at him and slapped him so hard the skin on his cheek cracked momentarily. He just winced and stood his ground. Then she turned away from him as his face twisted in pain and he ran into the house.
"Angela." Bella turned to me, looking helpless.
"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." I said holding out my arms for her, and she practically flew into my embrace and buried her face in my shoulder.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005 - Bella
"I missed you." I said hugging Angela as tightly as I could without hurting her. I could feel Charlie retreat into the house, and I had no desire to follow him.
"Me too. What's going on with Charlie? I've never heard him talk to you like that before." Angela asked with concern, glancing towards the house with a worried look.
"I don't know, he has been struggling for a few days now. I think he kind of blames the family for all of this, and he's trapped here." I admitted sadly, my attempts at bringing my father into our lives had been difficult at best.
"But it's not anyone's fault. Victoria is the bad guy here." Angela said looking upset.
"I know, we think his shield is blocking his emotions along with his instincts. Carlisle isn't sure, but the only explanation we can think of is that he is some kind of physical shield. When he uses his shield to tamp down his impulses, he is literally blocking off the biological aspect of his instincts. Rose's compulsion is helping somewhat, but I can tell sometimes he knows he is being awful, so he lets some of those emotions through, and he almost immediately starts acting uncomfortable. It has to be awful for him, but at least I'm sure he isn't dangerous to you." I shrugged, it would take time and training to help him figure out how to use his gift properly.
"I have to tell everyone something about Mason." She said immediately, and then her eyes cast down for a second before looking back up at me.
"Oh, is it news? Has he contacted you?" I asked, feeling a wave of momentarily excitement and relief.
"No, it's kind of more complicated. See, you know how he can boost gifts?"
"Yeah, like what he did for Edward." I replied with an understanding nod, very curious where she was going with this news.
"Well, it's apparently more than that. Under the right circumstances, he can also pull a gift out of someone and into himself. He has only done it once, and it was to help a friend whose power was driving him to the point of suicide." Her voice was calm, even but deeply sad and there was something hidden in her words that spoke to an inner turmoil.
"Damn, that sounds like a horrible situation. Should we wait to tell everyone at once?" I asked, wondering if this was more of a family meeting type of conversation.
"It doesn't matter, maybe saying it more than once will make it more real. Plus I already told Rose." I shot her an offended look, "I had to tell someone, and I trust her." I looked over at Rose who shrugged, and I immediately softened. Then I turned back to Angela and smiled warmly at her.
"Okay, so what power did he take?" Esme asked as she came down to join the conversation.
"It was the ability to change shape, specifically after touching someone physically. But it didn't change anything and the friend ended up killing himself anyway. So in tribute to his friend, Mason took his friend's face, and name. The man you know is a blend of two people, but it isn't a front or a facade exactly. It's a living memory, and I respect the choice." Angela had clearly spent a lot of time thinking about her own feelings, so I wasn't sure why she was conflicted. Perhaps it was tied to the person he used to be, maybe seeing the person who starred in that horrible story about his long past made everything too real for her.
"Wow, that's powerful. So who is he really?" I asked, curious but also worried about my friend… sister.
The thought of having Angela with me as my sister forever made my heart ache with joy. She was one of the most important people in the world to me, next to Rose and the rest of the family. Now that I had my father again, I felt whole, complete and I hated how happy it made me. So much so that I often had to hide my feelings, revert to the misanthrope I had become during my paralysis. What disturbed me was how easy it was to settle into that darkness. Joy felt almost like an affectation, when in truth I had very little to feel negative about anymore.
"Her name is Tahlia, and she's still the love of my life." The words hung in the air, Esme and I stared at her in shock, I could even hear my father lean hard against the frame of the front door and gasp slightly.
"I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that." I said, unable to hide the shock on my face. A thousand things sprung to mind all at once, not the least of which was the question of whether Angela had accepted Tahlia as her lover. If she had, then that meant I could have someone to talk to about my sexuality. While I was very happy with Rose, I hadn't fully internalized the fact that I was basically in a committed lesbian relationship, and that was a strange and wonderful thing I needed to talk about with my best friend.
"Accepting that truth must've been impossible." Esme said as she pulled Angela into a motherly hug. Then she kept Angela close as they pulled apart.
"It took me a few minutes, but watching it happen before my eyes. She is still the person I love, and we spent a lot of time getting used to each other." Angela said, and a blush brightened her face a little, along with a small happy smile. I reached out to her and took her hands, mouthing 'we'll talk later' which she happily nodded in agreement.
"I'm sorry she's gone." I said with my next breath, and then pulled her into a hug.
"Not gone, not yet. I have hope." She muttered into my shoulder, pressing her face into my neck. A few seconds later I could feel her tears, and I began to stroke her hair.
"Angel, she is the single most powerful vampire I have ever met, if anyone can endure the Volturi it is her." Rosalie spoke as soothingly and confidently as she could without sounding dismissive.
I gently pushed her to arms length, but kept our hands entangled. "Sorry, my brain just short circuited for a second. I'm so glad you're here, and we stocked the fridge with your favorites. Let me cook you dinner." I offered, but she looked at me strangely.
"You don't eat." She sounded dismissive, almost disbelieving as if I was doing something just to cheer her up.
"No, but food still smells wonderful, and I do like to cook. Indulge me, It'll make me feel human for once." I said giving more reasons than I had, and it was true. I wished food tasted as good as it smelled to me.
"Alright, something simple though. My stomach's been iffy all week." She said moving her hand to her stomach and wincing slightly.
"Simple, I can do that." I said with a nod. The four of us went into the house and directly to the kitchen which had only been used for fake family dinners when Angela and I would visit. It was now stocked exclusively for Angela, and I already had a plan for her dinner. The easy distraction let my mind wander, and the first place it went; my mother.
Renée. I had to think long and hard about that problem. Mom had clearly hit rock bottom, and as much as Charlie's blunt and rather emotionless accusation hurt, there was a painful ring of truth to it. I had left her when she moved to Florida so she could spend more time with Phil, and then I left again when I chose this life. Well at least I knew the consequences, I knew I would have to sever ties with my family, it was one of Carlisle's conditions. I just hadn't thought it would hit her this badly, a suicide attempt threw me.
I toyed briefly with the idea of turning her, but it felt wrong somehow for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on. Perhaps it was because I wanted to find a mate for my father, but they would never last in the long run. He would need someone eventually, or else he would be attached to me forever. I shuddered at that thought. The family was already getting dangerously large, especially including Mason and Angela in that number. If we included a mate for Charlie, which was more than a little uncomfortable to think of, we would grow to a staggering eleven members. Add a new love for Emmett and Edward, and we were suddenly at thirteen. Way too many to live under one roof. We would likely have to create a new dynamic and live under two households as a cover.
There was also the possibility that Mason and Angela might not join us permanently. Assuming of course that he returned from this trip to the Volturi. Or if Edward and Emmett survived their encounter with Victoria if they ever found her. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath and had to fight against the pull of Angela's human scent. My mind was swimming with the chaos of family, until Alice's vision leaped up to the front and center of my concentration. Danger and death were coming, and we were seriously unprepared for it. Including myself, Charlie and Angela, our large family would likely have three newborns. That felt dangerous to me on a good day. To have us actively participate in a dangerous situation, well that could be disastrous.
"You okay?" Angela asked unexpectedly, watching me as I cooked and got lost in my own thoughts.
"Mom, and other things. I hope she's okay." I said simply, not wanting to bring up all the rest of my questions with no answers. She clearly didn't need any more burden to carry.
"We were thinking we should call Phil, maybe get him up here." Angela suggested, and I couldn't help but smile at the idea. It made far too much sense and couldn't figure out why I hadn't thought of it first.
"Not a bad idea, I have his number. It could be problematic though, they didn't exactly part on the best of terms." I said working through the potential issues.
"What happened?" She asked, and I felt myself sigh remembering the drama.
"I don't have the full story, but basically Mom and Phil came up after the accident. At some point things fell apart between them, and he left back to Florida. I don't know why, but she rejected him, but I got the impression they haven't spoken since. The only thing I could think of was she must've been too focused on me and couldn't imagine splitting that time with him." I shrugged, not sure of anything when it came to my mother. I felt my hands move, a little startled that I was still cooking a meal and marveled at how easy it was to multitask.
"I'm sorry Bella. If that is the case, he might still be waiting for her, and now might be the perfect time for him to just show up." She made the kind of sense that would work in romantic fiction, but I wasn't sure about real life. I had to stop and giggle at that line of thought, real wasn't a word that had much meaning to me anymore since I had fallen into a world of fantasy monsters. Well, and become a member of the undead… were we undead? I would have to remember to talk to Emmett when he got back, he was the one who had seen and read every work of vampire fiction out in the world.
"Angela, you've always been the romantic, do you really think he's still down in Florida waiting for something that might never happen?" I asked, although Rosalie shook her head at my dismissive attitude.
"I think that's exactly what is going on." Rosalie said as she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist, and then kissed my neck and cheek.
"Does he even know you are 'dead'?" Angela asked, and I realized I had assumed he was told.
"Well… I don't know. I thought mom would've told him." I felt horrible, he was someone I had lived with for over a year. I liked him, and he had made some real attempts to be a stepfather to me.
"Her actions have been pretty erratic, she behaved horribly at your wake and funeral. Yet, today when I found her, she knew I was trying to help her and rejected that help, but then left her hotel room door open. I don't think she's actually suicidal, I think she's lost. I always thought that you were more mature than her during most of her visits. She would say things that were just weird." Angela brought up some valid and painfully intuitive points. Mom was notorious for dramatics and cries for help, and the idea that she was suicidal felt wrong in a way that was bothering me.
"That's mom. The forty-year-old teenager." I said with bitter sarcasm.
"Harsh." Angela said with a small frown, the joke didn't sit well for either of us.
Rosalie pulled me close and I melted into her embrace as she whispered in my ear, "she loves you, I know that for a fact."
"I know she does, but that doesn't change her behavior. I was in Phoenix, I kept her checkbook balanced, her bills paid, made sure food was on the table, did most of the shopping, and still had to do chores and homework." I wasn't exaggerating, but after I said it, I felt petty.
"So, you didn't just leave because you wanted your mom to be happy?" Angela asked thoughtfully, asking a question I didn't really have an answer for. I thought about it for a moment before responding.
"I think her happiness was the primary reason why I left, but I have to admit it was nice to get away from someone who depended on me that heavily. Plus, with Phil there I wasn't worried about the big stuff anymore. Although neither of them can cook." I found myself chuckling at the thought of them in the kitchen trying to make one of mom's notoriously bad food experiments. Then a tickle of a memory came to me, dulled by the fires of transition. I remembered her theatrics at my wake, and her declaration that she would be okay, and that she had called Phil. "Wait, my god, she lied to me. She never called Phil."
"Damn. Okay, what's his number?" Angela asked, pulling out her phone.
"Now?" I said with surprise, although there was no reason to delay, except maybe the timing wasn't right.
"Should we wait until she's out of the hospital?" She pondered out loud, and then thought the better of it. "When she's fully capable of rejecting him?"
"Point. Here's my new phone, he's in the contact list." I said handing her the phone Carlisle gave me after the situation with Edward. I still hadn't used it except to shop online. She immediately dialed, and I could hear the familiar ring as if I had the phone pressed to my ear. It picked up after five rings.
"Hello?" His voice was clear and brought back some human memories I had mostly forgotten.
"Phillip Dwyer?" She asked simply.
"That's me." He said with a small tired sigh, which made me wonder what was going on in his life.
"My name is Angela Webber." She started, and he immediately reacted to her name.
"Bella's Angela?" He asked, sounding a bit too happy to make a connection to me.
"Yes, I'm that Angela." She said with a small smile.
"I'm glad to hear from anyone up in Forks, it's been a minute. But why are you calling me? Is something wrong with Bella or Renée?" He sounded curious, but cautious and a little worried.
"Yes, that's why I'm calling. Renée is in the hospital." Angela said sympathetically.
"Oh god, how badly is she hurt?" He replied quickly and with obvious and urgent concern.
"Physically I'm pretty sure she'll be fine. But she's not doing well at all. I was hoping you could help; she doesn't have anyone right now." Angela dropped the real news, and there was silence for several seconds.
"What do you mean she doesn't have anyone, what about Bella and Charlie?" His voice was shaking, and I couldn't tell if it was from anger, fear or sadness.
"Bella died a couple of weeks ago, and Charlie disappeared about ten days ago." Her words hit home with me, and there was a sound like Phil falling. It took him a while to respond, and when he did, I could tell he was crying.
"I don't understand. She didn't call me. I'll be there by tomorrow." He said with a renewed strength, and I felt a wave of relief to know he wasn't going to let mom push him away again.
"You have some time, her injury was relatively superficial, but I'm pretty sure they're going to hold her for a day or two." Angela said dancing around the hardest part of the truth.
"She hurt herself?" He guessed.
"I found her. She's been drinking pretty heavily. She might not want to see you." Angela suggested, and gave me a hopeful look, and Rosalie pulled me a bit tighter against her, showing me wordless support. Would he respond with a strong desire to fight for her?
"I'm not going to run away with my tail between my legs again. Thank you so much for calling. I'm so sorry about Bella, she was a great kid." He paused for a second before continuing. "Could you do me a favor, and not tell Renée I'm coming, I need to confront her about all this in the right way."
"Of course, goodbye Mr. Dwyer." Angela said sweetly.
"Goodbye Angela and thank you again." Phil sounded almost happy, and his enthusiasm gave me a real sense of hope that things would turn out well. Yet I wasn't sure it would be enough, and that worry almost immediately set my mind on a negative turn.
"That went surprisingly well." Angela looked hopeful as she handed me the phone back.
"Not really, Phil was deeply in love with mom, there was a reason he proposed." I let out my negativity, despite the hope I still felt, but Angela wasn't taking the bait and just shrugged.
"Speaking of proposals, are you two gonna?" Her turn was a good attempt to change the conversation, but I wasn't sure I was ready to consider marriage yet, not that I had any doubts about the woman who was still just holding me without a word.
"We'll get there, I think we just need time." Rosalie said softly, and I looked back and kissed her cheek.
"You know Mason said he would marry me if I felt it was a requirement to be together, I don't think he understands the concept." Angela said a bit unexpectedly.
"How do you feel about it honey?" I asked Rose, who finally let go of me and leaned against the island next to me.
"I'm a bit unsure how I feel, I believe in the union, but beyond the simple ceremony and vows, I don't feel it is required for true commitment. From what I've seen of her, I have no doubt that in Tahlia's eyes you two are already married for all intents and purposes." Rose looked over to make sure I was alright with the sentiment, and I gave her a warm smile. Vows and a simple ceremony I could handle, at some point down the road.
"Do you want to talk about your night with him, her… that is still tripping me out a bit?" I admitted feeling a bit bad for being weird about it.
"I… It was amazing. Just hours of an intimacy I never expected to find. She was patient and gentle, but it was more than that. But then the next morning she was gone." She lowered her head, and a tear fell from her right eye down her cheek.
"God Angela, I still don't get why he left. I understand Alice had a vision, but I'm still completely dumbfounded by him abandoning you like that." I realized then that I was very angry at Mason, I couldn't imagine what had possessed him to give up so easily, especially with Angela giving him her heart so completely.
"Alice and I had a conversation last week about her vision. Basically, there were two possibilities; he stays here and we all die except for Alice, or he goes and only most of us die. Neither were great options, but she thinks there is a third path. One that will present itself when he is there in Volterra. Something to do with Aro." As she spoke she started to play with the fringe of her shirt, it was clear the explanation was the only way she was able to cope at all with his choice to leave.
"That's nuts." I started, but her posture made me realize I had to forgive his idiocy to support her. "But I can see why he went. A chance to save everyone versus potentially causing the death of everyone he loves." Then I thought about that choice and added, "I would go."
"So would I." She said quietly. "You know, this is the first time I've felt human in a week, and I'm surrounded by vampires." She motioned around the room, and by extension the rest of the house.
"I never felt right in the human world, even when I had my legs. Maybe it just means you have fully accepted this life as your own." I said, trying to interpret what she meant.
"I have, and I would like to be turned today, but I need to have one more night with my parents. I need to try and patch things up and let them know I love them." She looked wistful, sad but still determined.
"They know, but I understand…" Then a random thought occurred to me. "Rose. I am so mentally challenged."
"What about?" Rose gave me a playful smile.
"Rose, you can help mom." I said with perhaps a bit too much enthusiasm.
"I'm not sure I follow." She wasn't getting what I was thinking, and I couldn't blame her. Rose hadn't flaunted her gift at all.
"You can make people do things, right? Well maybe you can help snap mom out of this funk, maybe give her a hope that me and dad are alright or something." The idea just came out, and Rosalie almost immediately shook her head.
"I'm not sure I can do that Bella." Rose looked upset and a little terrified.
"Could you try?" I begged, and she winced and started to nod slightly.
"Of course, but I don't know how long my compulsions last. What if she relapses?" Rose tensed as she spoke, her lack of confidence in her new ability plain in her posture and voice.
"Then she will have Phil, I just need her to snap out of her funk so she can be clear headed enough to take him back." I said as a vague outline of a plan started to play out in my head. "We sneak into the hospital while she's sleeping."
"You want to go?" Angela looked deeply worried, "What if someone sees you?"
"I won't let them, and maybe Rose can cover for that." I said with an unwavering determination. Nothing was going to stop me now.
"Sure, why the fuck not." Rose said, shaking her head in disbelief. "When do we start this quixotic idiocy?"
"Tonight?" I said with an overly gleeful smile.
I waited impatiently for a time when we knew the shifts changed and the skeleton night crew at the hospital took over. We snuck in using our senses to navigate a path to my mother's room without being noticed by any of the employees. I found her blissfully asleep, no machines plugged into her except for a single IV of saline and a heart monitor. The monotonous beep of the machine was quite soothing, and her peaceful expression alleviated a lot of my fears. I sat gently on the edge of her bed and let my hand hover a hair's breadth above the skin of her right hand. I knew the shock of my skin on hers might be enough to wake her, so I resisted the impulse to touch her. Instead I leaned close to her ear and spoke to her so softly that it was practically inaudible.
"Me and Charlie are alive, and we will always watch over you I promise. I'm so sorry we can't be a part of your life anymore, but know that your daughter will always think of you. Please go back to Phil, try to build a life for yourself. I'm begging you to live and be happy, because I love you mom and it hurts so much to see you in pain." Then I gave her a phantom kiss on her forehead and stood ready to leave. Then Rose moved over to her and leaned close to her ear.
"Remember your daughter's words and make them a part of you. Live your life as fully as you can, knowing in your heart that Bella is out there somewhere in the universe happy with her new life. Take your husband back when he arrives, and never look back towards Forks." I could feel Rose's power even though it wasn't directed at me. I felt humbled by the feeling and could only imagine that my mother would easily bend to those commands. Then we left and I felt sure that she would be alright. My only wish was for my father to find happiness as well.
Author's Note:
I know the previous chapter mentioned Surrounded by Monsters instead of this one, but I felt it was right to do a Bella/Rosalie/Angela chapter instead of jumping into something different right after the Jane chapter. While this could have been split in two, I didn't see a reason to hold one back. I wanted the Renee plot to wrap up.
Next Chapter (for real this time): Surrounded by Monsters - Edward
Thank you for reading!