Chapter 25 – Laszlo's Magical Piano Bar

14 April, 2010

Laszlo's Piano Bar

Midtown East

New York City, New York

Hermione Granger

It's 2PM on a Wednesday, and I walk into my favorite place in the city. My friends don't know about this place. I found it one day when the memories were just too much. I walk into the bar. It's all leather and wood. The atmosphere is quiet except for the piano in the back of bar. I come here when I'm stressed. It reminds me of Sirius. He was immature and fun, but the other side of him was classic and elegant. He would have loved this place. The first time I entered, I didn't realize it was a magical bar, until a shot of firewhiskey was placed in front of me.

1 July, 2006

Laszlo's Piano Bar

Midtown East

New York City, New York

Mia

My friends went to the Hamptons for Fourth of July weekend. We had just launched our mobile services in May. I was too nervous to be too far away from our offices, and I really just wanted to be alone. I had just broken up with Seth Griffen last week. He worked for the licensing commission at MACUSA. We met the first week I moved to New York City. He was 28, tall with dark auburn hair and warm brown eyes. He was fit, and had an ease to him, I've never known. We had a good six months, but then it started to become too stressful to juggle my career and him at the same time. He wanted more, more than I could give him, and he wanted a life I couldn't live. He started to resent my company and our success. He started resenting the time I had to spend away from him. It was time to cut ties. I cared about him, but not enough to give up everything I worked for. I miss him.

It was Saturday afternoon, and I decided to go for a walk. I ended up in Midtown East and from a distance I hear a piano playing. I followed the sound into Laszlo's Piano Bar. I look around and it's lovely. The bar is long and wooden with a dark stone counter. The booths along the right wall are all colored in a dark leather. The paintings on the wall seem to cover every era of art history, art deco, impressionist, modern. It's tasteful and clean. I walk to the bar and the man behind the counter appears to be in his late 40's. He has dark blond hair and bright light blue eyes. His nose is slightly larger than it should be, but he was once a very attractive young man.

He walks over to me and places a drink in front of me. "You look like you could use this."

I take a sip, and it's firewhiskey, "I didn't realize this was a magical bar."

He smiles, "The wards only allow magical people to hear the music and see the bar."

I smile. "Thank you, how much do I owe you?"

He smiles again, "It's on the house Miss Granger."

I nod, "How did you know me?"

He laughs, "I'm not sure there isn't a magical person in the world that doesn't know the girl who helped defeat Lord Voldemort. If they say they don't know you, they are lying." He then winks at me.

I sigh, "It doesn't seem to go away. I left it all behind me, but I can't seem to escape."

He smiles, "Ah, sweetheart, you never get to escape your past. It will follow you everywhere. It doesn't matter if you're the brains of The Golden Trio, or a washed up musician like myself, name's Peter."

I take his hand and shake it, "Mia, it's a pleasure to meet you, Peter. So you ran away to a bar after not making it as a musician?"

He laughs, "Smartass. I already like you. Oh I made it for a while, but my granddad left me this place and it seemed more important than chasing the bright lights."

I smile, "Was your grandfather Laszlo?"

He smiles, "No, he was nice Italian man by the name Alberto. On his journey to America, he bunked with a Hungarian pianist by the name of Farkas Laszlo. He had a touch of Lycanthropy. He was bitten by a werewolf the day of the full moon. He didn't change fully, but he grew a long beard on the day of the full moon and he liked his steaks a little too rare. His hearing was exceptional. My granddad loved his playing, and due to his condition Laszlo couldn't find work. My granddad, having left Italy due to the political climate at the time, had plenty of money. He was moving to America to live a life of leisure. After hearing how his friend couldn't find work because of a very non-existent condition, he offered to open this bar for his friend to play every night. When The Prohibition came ten years later, being a magical bar, did not have the same rules as the No-Maj population. This became the hot spot for all Magicals in the city. Laszlo played at night and during the day he tutored most magical children in the city in piano. Laszlo did this until 1987 when he died tragically when he was pushed onto the subway tracks by a No-Mag mugger. Laszlo taught me to love music and I knew I needed to keep his legacy alive."

I feel myself tearing up. "That's a bittersweet story. Laszlo and your grandfather sound like great men. I hate that prejudices ruined your grandfather's life of leisure, but to do that for a friend, it's truly remarkable. I had a tutor who had full Lycanthropy. He was bit when he was a small child by a vindictive werewolf. England is full of bias, and this brilliant, kind man never could find work. He had to work No-Maj jobs, and could not hold one long because he had to ask for one day off a month. He obviously couldn't give a real reason why, and employers weren't very forgiving. I never understood why England's wizarding society was so unforgiving of something he had no control over. It only effected him for less than 12 hours a month. He taught me so much and was the true brains of The Golden Trio, I learned so much from him."

Peter hands me another drink. "Don't sell yourself short, Sweetheart. It takes a lot more than book education to survive what you did. No book could have taught anyone to survive, it was intelligence. Your intelligence that is now revolutionizing the wizarding world. I bought 100 DigiGro units 10 months ago. I have an Enchantex phone." He pulls out his phone and I smile. "You, Miss Mia Granger, are going to be a legend."

I feel my cheeks heat upon embarrassment, "Thank you. It's all been really surreal. It's gone by fast, a year ago we came to New York with a tentative plan, and now it's just keeps getting bigger. I work constantly. I stayed in the city for the weekend because I just didn't want to leave the city in case something happened. My friends all went to the Hamptons for the weekend. They deserved a break. They have been working just as hard as I have."

He smiles, "Don't you deserve a break too?"

I sigh, "I suppose, I just didn't feel like partying, I wanted to spend the weekend licking my wounds."

He laughs, "Whomever he is, he is a first class moron."

I laugh, "Ahhh, but I'm the moron. He wanted more, and I just couldn't give him what he wanted, so I ended it."

He smiles, and then hops over the bar. "Follow me. I want you to hear a song I wrote."

I follow him to the piano and he waves his hand to stop the music. "Now I wrote this about twenty five years ago when I was devastated over my fiancé who broke up with me when the off Broadway show I was playing for closed. Lisa, she was a very ambitious Wall Street type. She was fresh out of college and thought it was edgy to date a musician."

He motions for me to sit down with him on the bench, and I do. He starts playing a sorrowful tune. He starts singing. His voice is rich, and slightly throaty.

"I've been there before,

Well at least a million times.

Still the pain tears me up inside.

I've been there before,

Well at least a million times.

Still I fight the tears that fill my eyes.

They say each time it gets a little bit easier, less pain.

It's funny cause it feels like the same heartbreak.

She said she need more freedom, and a little bit of time.

Time to find just which way she wants to go.

I wish the rain would fall down my face, save me from disgrace so my pain doesn' show.

They say each time it gets a little bit less pain, It's funny cause it feels like the same heartbreak." (A/N: Footnote 1)

He continues to sing for a few more minutes and I realize, I never cared about Seth, not really. I liked the thought of Seth. He is the guy everyone says they want. He wanted to get married, and start a family. He was intelligent, kind, sensitive, and attentive. I wanted to be wanted, and he made me feel wanted, sexy even, but it was hollow.

I've have felt real heartbreak before, devastating, soul crushing, never going to be the same ever again heartbreak. Mr. Banned almost destroyed me. I focused so hard on my uni studies, that I refused to process all the hurt he made me feel. I realize Seth was a substitution who gave me everything I wanted from someone else. Someone who wanted to make his mother happy instead of choosing me. Fuck!

Peter ends the song, I look over at him and say, "That was lovely. Thank you for sharing that with me. It was beautiful, why you aren't touring the world selling out arenas, will baffle me for the rest of my life."

He laughs, "Ya flatter me Miss Granger. Thank you. Do you play?"

I frown, I haven't played for a year, but I'm pretty good at playing by ear, Mina Ward, our neighbor, called it perfect pitch. It was just a talent I had, but never really shared with many people. There's a song that came out a couple years ago. I've been secretly obsessed with. My friends wouldn't necessarily agree it was a healthy song for me because they now know most of what happened to me in England. I came completely clean to them a couple years ago after Harry had visited me. I told them all I could. I'm still unable to tell anyone about the time-turner and Dagworth Castle. I could tell them about the extra tutoring, but whatever I signed when I was fourteen still prevents me from talking about most of it.

The only one I ever could tell was Mr. Banned. He's been on my mind lately. Fuck, I keep thinking of all the might have beens, and Seth seemed to conjure the asshole in my mind. I know I compared the two of them. Seth just didn't add up, and I hated myself for it. Who am I to compare someone who loved me to someone who never fought for me? I did though. My college boyfriend was the same. Thankfully we stayed friends and he works at Enchantex. He knew I wasn't in the head space to really give it a go, but said he had to try. I still care about him. He's truly like family to me, but not really because that's just weird, Josh is not like a brother in any way.

I look at Peter, and say, "I..I do, play. Let's see if I can get it right. Don't laugh, I have never played this song before, but I love it."

I play with the tune for a few minutes and find it. I slow the song down and play for a few more bars. Then I start singing.

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end, before we'd begun

Yes, I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right

Took your soul out into the night

It may be over but it won't stop there

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart, you'd touched my soul

Changed my life and all my goals

And love is blind, and that I knew when

My heart was blinded by you

I've kiss your lips and held your head

Shared your dreams and shared your bed

I know you well I know your smell

I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

You have been the one

You have been the one for me" (A/N Footnote 2)

As I'm singing I close my eyes and for the first time since I left England, I really allow myself to mourn the boy who ruined me. I see a flash of the first time I saw him on the Hogwart's Express while looking for Neville's toad. He was so cute with is blond hair and silver eyes judging me. I think about my completely unhealthy crush I had on him in Third and Fourth Year. I remember the look on his face when I punched him in the nose. I picture him in his dress robes at the Yule Ball. I see him when we made eye contact, and how my heart skipped a beat. I see him in that damn Metallica shirt that first night in Eighth Year, with his longer messy hair, and cargo shorts. I see the tears in his mesmerizing silver eyes as he listens to Unforgiven for the third time. I see his smirk as he has me pinned against the stacks. I feel his arms around me as we study. I hear the first 'I love you', feel the first kiss. I see our week in a hotel for Easter Break, and how we spent the week exploring every inch of each other. I see his face as he is naked and surrounded by white sheets in soft light. I think of the month in my flat, and how I introduced him to the cinema, and his childlike awe the first time he watched Star Wars. Finally, I see his face when he chose a life without me. It breaks my heart all over again.

As I finish the song, thinking of the asshole that hurt me so much, I feel the tears in my eyes. Tears for the loss of the only boy who ever made my heart sing, and I mourn the man I would never know. I wonder if he was really my soulmate, and if I'll have to spend the rest of my life alone because he decided to make everyone happy, but me.

I decide to think of him one last time before I bottle up all these emotions again. Repression is a bitch. I've done it for years. I always tried to keep my emotions to myself. I did it out of necessity when Sirius died. It's like I take my emotions and place them in a bottle and place the bottle on a shelf in my mind. As I bottle up more emotions the shelf gets heavier and heavier until the shelf bursts. Mac says I need to see a mind healer, but how can I when I can't fucking talk about the all the things that are in my head?

I think about him turning his back on me. I think of my anger towards him. I think of all the support my friends have given me since we have met. I only have one last thought, "Goodbye, Draco Malfoy."

" I'm so hollow baby

I'm so hollow

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

I'm so hollow baby

I'm so hollow

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow" (A/N Footnote 2)

When the song is over I hear clapping and look behind us and a woman is standing there. She's of medium height with a pixie cut of blond hair. She has tears in her eyes, and says, "That is how that song should have been sung. You are amazing!"

Peter looks at the woman and smiles, "Stella come met my new friend."

He looks at me and says, "This exquisite woman was stupid enough to marry me five years ago, Stella, met…."

A look of shock strikes Stella's face, "Hermione Granger, wow! It's lovely to meet you, I'm Stella Moretti. I have read every article about you. I am a first generation magical like you and I always admired you. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

Again I feel myself blush, "Thank you so much. I'm happy to meet you as well."

Stella looked at Peter and said, "I'm done with my order for the day, the potion has to simmer for 22 hours. How about I tend the bar while you two entertain me."

Peter looks to me and says, "She's a freelance potioneer. You're DigiGro has saved us a lot of money. How about it, wanna hang out with two old geezers and play the piano?"

I smile, "That sounds like a great idea."

He smiles, "She's right, you know? That is how the song should have been sung in a clear alto voice not the falsetto garbage it was released with. Why you are making tech products and not selling out stadiums will baffle me for all eternity."

I rediscovered the love of music I found with Sirius Black. Sirius changed me, I don't know who I would be without him introducing me to the music he had. His energy will always be a part of me now, because his love of muggle music became a part of me. For a moment, I realize I am done mourning him, I'm done mourning my childhood, I'm done mourning England. The Moretti's and I played and sang all night. We played every song we knew. We ordered Thai and drank a little too much. Their energy reminded me so much of the people I missed, Sirius, Viola, Tonks, and my parents. We talked and I discovered kindred spirits.

14 April, 2010

Laszlo's Piano Bar

Midtown East

New York City, New York

Mia

Peter and Stella Moretti have become staples in my life. I come to Laszlo's Piano Bar at least once a month. Since I have known Peter and Stella I have been introduced to so many talented people. Peter was a pianist for a Broadway company for fifteen years before he took over the bar. He met Stella the night he started at the bar. She was a tenant in a studio apartment of the building Peter now owned above the bar. She came down to yell at him about a busted pipe. They connected instantly and were married in two months. They now have a one year old baby girl they named Hermione Stella Moretti. I'm her godmother. These people have become family to me outside my friends. My friends have met them, but are just different people than the Moretti's. Even with Peter's thick Brooklyn accent and Stella's Boston accent they remind me so much of the people who shaped me. Peter is a little goofy and never met a stranger. Stella is kind, sensitive, and brilliant. I haven't been here since right after Harry called me about Ophelia.

I spent the weekend watching all the memories with my friends. Even the twenty or so I didn't watch with Draco. Ophelia really was an essential part of my life, and though I'm still angry with her for not telling me sooner. I understand her reasons, even the messed up actions she had taken towards the Death Eaters. Viola was unavailable my last year in England because Ophelia was sitting through all the Death Eater trials viewing their minds. I still have trouble wrapping my head around it.

My friends loved Ophelia through watching the memories. They said they could see her so much in me. They think I should probably reconcile my animosity towards England. Sasha offered to go with me, mainly because she couldn't let go of an opportunity to be surrounded by men with an English accent. I love her. She drives me mad at times, but she would be the best person to take with me if I decided to step foot on that rock ever again.

I confronted Sasha about her treatment of Draco, and she shrugged, "He hurt my friend, and you know I'm not one to forgive. Plus the bond was exploding between you two and it pissed me off knowing he let you go. Fuck that, dude! Seriously. Mom and Aponi told me about meeting him. It just infuriates me you will end up with that fucktard" We talked it out. I told her that wasn't going to happen, Draco would never choose me. She relaxed some.

It's been five days since I've seen him. There was a moment when I almost kissed him. We were watching the sunset on the beach talking about our lives. We got on the subject of bad dates. He told me about Monique, a girl he had dated. He said he never stopped comparing everyone to me. He said he never stopped loving me. In a moment of weakness I almost leaned in to kiss him, and a Frisbee accidentally hit me in the head. I chucked it up as fate and asked if he wanted to see Hollywood Boulevard. We had a good evening, but knew I needed to get away from him. He is unhealthy to my mental health. I managed to keep our parting platonic, but it took Herculean strength to do so. He went home and has texted me. We talked on the phone for an hour Monday night, and I just can't get that fucking fuck out of my head.

So I came to the one place that helps me clear my head. I walk in and Peter is behind the counter. He looks at me and smiles, "Mia, my third favorite girl in the whole wide world, how have you been?" He pours me a glass of firewhiskey.

I smile, "Hi Peter. Stella's birthday is next week, and I brought her presents."

He smiles and gets his phone out to text her. "She says she can't get away for another hour."

I smile, and say, "That should be good."

Then I tell him about my last week and all the information I learned from the memories. I tell him about Draco being here and all the confusing feelings he has stirred. I talk about how I have been feeling about everything. I didn't tell him about the Resurrection Stone, I do still have the Elder Wand in my possession. I didn't tell him about the Azkaban thing, but I don't think that should be common knowledge. I simply told him, Ophelia didn't want to interrupt my life. He gave me a hug, told me that I should consider going back to finalize things. I nod and at that moment Stella came downstairs.

She sees I've been crying and hugs me, "Oh no, sweetheart, are you ok?"

I nod, "I'm fine, Peter can show you later. It's just too much to say all again."

We look at Peter and he nods and points at his head. I gifted them a Pensivison two Christmases ago. Pensivision is an Enchantex product that allows you to enter a memory and will play it like a TV program. The device looks like a plasma television, and functions as one as well. The difference is a small accessory that works as a pensive. The accessory only works with our Pensivision because the controls allow you to change views of the memory. I just prefer a normal pensive so I can be submerged in the memory. However, MACUSA purchased 2000 units of the Pensivision to use in magical courtrooms around the country. Countries around the world followed suit and the Pensivision is now one of our highest sellers. At the cost of 1,500 galleons a piece we have made a lot of money on them. It became a common marriage gift around the world. It sold so fast we had to delay production of our no-mag line of devices to keep up with the demand until we found a solution. Peter will show her the memory later. They don't have secrets between them.

Stella squeezes me again. "I just want you happy Mia. Do whatever you believe will make you the happiest. We love you."

I nod and then smile, "I brought you presents." I dig in my bag and pull out the Deluxe DigiGro I shrunk and wrapped. Next I pull out a wrapped shoe box that contains the Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals she was eyeing last time we went shopping. The last gift is a card with a $1,000 gift certificate to Saks Fifth Avenue. I then pull out a box of three toys for baby Hermione.

Stella loves her gifts and after a short tutorial on the Deluxe DigiGro, she hugs me again, and says, "Thank you, Mia. I love my gifts. You're such a good friend. I love you. I left Hermione with my nana upstairs, and need to get back to her."

I smile, "I love you, too. Give baby Hermione love from me."

Peter looks at me and says, "You want the stage, kiddo?"

I smile, and say "Yes, please. I need some musical therapy."

Music has become my solace. I come here and play the piano when I have too many emotions. Last January, when Daphne let slip about Astoria's twins, I came here and blasted You Ought to Know, I Will Survive, and a few other man hating songs until I was able to clear my head.

Sasha's taste in music is Country and Hard Rock and nothing in between. There is a song I have been thinking about for a couple of days. I know I shouldn't, but fuck Draco Malfoy is still just fucking beautiful. I remember the first time I heard the song. We were at Sasha's parents for Christmas break in 1999. Her dad was showing me the herd of hippogryffs he had on his farm. We were sitting in the truck when this song started playing on the radio. I teared up, but never acknowledged the song. I couldn't stop listening to it on my Walkman for a month.

I step up to the platform with the piano and I start playing until I find the tune, and start to sing.

" Sure I think about you now and then

But it's been a long, long time

I've got a good life now, I've moved on

So when you cross my mind"

All this time I believed Draco just moved on without a thought of me. It ripped my heart apart every time I thought about it. I thought I was crazy for not being able to completely move on from him. I was always so guarded with men after him. I was always looking for the other shoe to drop because he hurt me so badly.

"We could sit and talk about this all night long

And wonder why we didn't last

Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know

But we'll have to leave them in the past."

But do I need to leave it in the past? The past hurt so much, but I am so much stronger than I was back then. When Draco and I connected, I was war torn and mourning my parents, Fred, Remus, and Tonks. I was struck with guilt over having a time-turner and not being able to save Fred or anyone else despite what Andromeda and Viola/Ophelia said.

Fred who caught me with the time-turner at The Burrow at 5am one morning and used his information to blackmail me into giving him and George the results of the World Cup so they could bet on the results. Fred and George who showed me understanding and love more than all the Weasleys. He was a true friend. I helped him and George with a lot of the items for their store. They were geniuses, but I found a way to make the items safer. I am successful and have accomplished so much with hard work. I'm not that silly grieving girl anymore. The past me is in the past. Would it hurt to try?

"I try not to think about what might have been

Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads

We can't go back again there's no use giving in

And there's no way to know

What might have been

That same old look in your eyes It's a beautiful night

I'm so tempted to stay

But too much time has gone by

We should just say good-bye

And turn and walk away"

Draco did have the same look in his eyes. It was surreal to stand there with him. I wanted him to stay with me, but knew he was leaving. I knew it was for the best and in the end he did turn and walk away, just like he did that day I begged him to stay with me.

"I try not to think about what might have been

Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads

We can't go back again there's no use giving in

And there's no way to know

What might have been

No, we'll never know

What might have been" (A/N: Footnote 3)

I play another song, it was one Mina/Ophelia taught me. As I play I think about what would have happened if I knew Draco didn't marry Astoria fucking Greengrass? I already had diplomatic immunity from England, and though there were changes made, I will never live there again. It wouldn't have changed anything because he still chose that life over me. No matter how I spin it the bottom line is I wasn't what he wanted. Period.

In 1998, my group of eight friends from Ilvermory were a group of 10 friends. The summer of 1998, two of their friends were killed in a car crash because their friend driving was on heroin. When I joined the group of friends they were obsessed with a song. The singer of the band wrote the song about his friend that died of a heroin overdose. The whole group was obsessed with this song. Though I knew the song was about drug use, I could never help but to relate to the song. It hit home too hard for me as well, but they would play the song to remember their friend. I always felt the song was mine. That somehow this song was written about me. It stopped my heart each time I heard it. It made me hurt. Everything about this song sums up England for me. The sadness, loss, and general misery of the song is everything I feel about England.

I transition the song I was playing to the one on my mind, and start to sing.

"Now maybe, I didn't mean to treat you bad

But I did it anyway" (A/N: Footnote 4)

I did. I treated everyone bad, but I feel I was treated bad too. I felt Harry took me for granted. Though he was like a brother to me, I held a lot of resentment towards him because of everything I was forced to hide from him, and everything I did for him. He skated through Hogwart's for years like it was no big deal being 'The Chosen One'. He just accepted it, and made no additional efforts to educate himself. I had to fucking beg him to be behind Dumbledore's Army. I knew no one would take it seriously if they knew I was behind it. He finally agreed, but he should have taken it more seriously. He needed to learn to fight. He should have been taught how to duel the moment he learned he was a wizard. I shouldn't had to be the one to want it for him. I shouldn't have been the one to fucking beg him to study and do his homework. I remember when Sirius died and he was so distraught, and I had to pretend Sirius wasn't my friend too. At the time, I felt I was given this huge mission only to help Harry survive. I know now, Ophelia was behind it. I know she just wanted me to have the best education, but fuck shouldn't someone had clued me in? Professor McGonagall had to have known, she watched me break down because I was being fucking used as a weapon for The Order. She knew that wasn't the case. She fucking knew Ophelia was behind it all. Couldn't she have told me once, the education was only so I could learn everything I should learn? No she didn't.

Instead, Harry was given this stupidly gigantic responsibility adults should have been involved with, instead of three fucking children. While we were on the run, he had no clue what to do. I did everything, I had to figure it all out. Maybe I didn't, but felt I had to. I took the responsibility because him and Ronald didn't take any initiative to learn half of what I did. The fucked up thing both of them were accepted in the Wizarding World, while I constantly had to fight for my right to be there. When the whole damn thing was over, they wanted to forget it happened. Meanwhile, I am struggling to make sense of it all. When the Death Eaters were given minimal sentences, it was like the while fucking wizarding world didn't learn a damn fucking thing. So my resentment grew.

I left, and called in my life debt to Kingsley whom I saved during the Battle of the Seven Potters and left without a fuck off. I figured Harry wouldn't notice, he had his whole life planned out with Ginny. I left Andi and Teddy because they didn't need me, Harry was there. I left George, Hannah, Susan, and Neville because I just didn't see a reason they would ever need me. I treated them all bad.

"And then maybe

Some would say your life was sad, but you lived it anyway" (A/N: Footnote 4)

Everyone's life was sad. Harry lost everyone close to him. George lost his twin. Luna lost her mother at the age of nine. Theo was severely neglected as a child. Draco had fucking duty to his family that forced him to receive a mark he can never forget. Hannah and Susan lost their parents before they even learned to crawl. Daphne's mom was killed during a Death Eater attack in Diagon Alley. Neville's parents were tortured to insanity. I never felt accepted in any world, muggle or magical. We all lived our lives even though all of our lives sucked.

"And so maybe

Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble

As you falter down to the ground and then someday

Your friends they stand beside as you were flying

Oh, you were flying, oh, so high

But then someday people look at you

For what they call their own, they watch you suffer" ((A/N: Footnote 4)

I remember Harry's birthday and how miserable I was at the time; how brokenhearted I was over Draco, how angry I was I couldn't have a job I was promised, and how grief was still consuming me. We were all there to celebrate Harry, but I smoked the stuff Neville had, and drank too much. I still had so much resentment towards Harry for moving on like nothing ever fucking happened. Ginny infuriated me over Ronald. I really hated her by that time, so for her to say all the shit she said to me was too fucking much. The fucked up thing, no one said a single word to her. They all stood around as she was saying these terrible things to me. They stood there and watched my breakdown without a single fucking word. I remember looking around the room, seeing Ron and Lavender smirking at me, seeing Harry looking confused, George standing there shaking his head, and Neville holding Hannah and Susan back. I felt betrayed by everyone in the room. I thought they were my fucking friends!

"Yeah, they hear you coming home

And then some day we could take our time

To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us

Yeah, but you left me far behind" (A/N: Footnote 4)

Coming home? That's not the lyric. It's, "I here you CALLING home." Is that a Freudian slip? Coming home…Coming home. Could I go home? Could I really forgive everything that fucking country did to me? Could I brush the leaves aside and see if I could reconnect with all the people I left far behind? What would have happened if I stayed? Wouldn't Ophelia had reached out to me? She genuinely seemed as if she wanted to. She made all the changes in England, or at least manipulated and connived for the changes. Can I hold that against her? I don't think I can because I would have done the same fucking thing she had done to protect people I love. I blackmailed a journalist because she was writing lies about Harry (and myself). I cursed a piece of paper to keep people from exposing the D.A. I confounded dozens of muggles while we were on the run. I erased memories of Death Eaters. I robbed a fucking bank. I killed to protect Harry and Ron on a few occassions. I killed for that insipid fucking Lavender because I lived with her for six years. I erased myself from my parents lives, and planted new identities in them so they had a chance of survival. Are any of those actions any worse than what Ophelia had done? No they aren't. In the end, it was my dad who asked her to stay away. Her love for him and myself kept her at bay.

"Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you, oh, so bad

But I did it anyway

Now I'm saying, maybe

Some would say you're left with what you had

But you couldn't share the pain, no, no, no

Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer" (A/N: Footnote 4)

Regardless of what anyone else may think, I left because the pain was too much. I gave up my adolescence for a country that still hated me because they thought my blood was inferior. Well fuck them, I was pureblood this whole fucking time! How fucked up is that? If I had known my documentation was filed at the Ministry by Ophelia, I could have fought the whole fucking thing! My mindset at the time wasn't focused on fighting, I did no research because my fucking soulmate abandoned me. I had no family, I felt I had no true friends, and Harry was so entwined with a family that hated me. I had no one to share any of my pain with. Harry knew what I was going through, but I felt at the time he didn't care enough to be what I needed.

I know so much of what I was going through stemmed from a underlining feeling of guilt. I felt guilt over the things I did in the war. I had severe survivor's guilt because I could have used the Deathly Hallows and the time-turner to help so many that didn't survive. I felt guilt over losing my parents. The guilt was crushing me my Eighth Year. All the feelings I had of inadequacy stemmed from this guilt. I didn't deal with the guilt until after I moved to America. My friends have been an incredible support system. They have loved me unconditionally, and never once shamed me for a single action I ever needed to take. I never could share my feelings with Harry because he was dealing with his own issues with survivor's guilt.

"And now maybe I could have made my own mistakes

But I live with what I've known" (A/N: Footnote 4)

I did make mistakes. So many. I made the mistake when I signed that fucking paper that prevented me from sharing the time-turner and the relationships with the people who became so important to me. I made a mistake in fully trusting Draco the way I did. I knew deep down his family would have a problem with us being together. He said he could handle his mother and instead of being cautious with my heart I went all in. I knew deep down, he would always choose his family over me. I just thought he loved me as much as I loved him. I was naïve and I let it destroy me. I made the mistake of letting Molly Weasley's accusations cause me so much distress. Fred would have fought regardless. I didn't know he died until we gathered in The Great Hall. It hurt so much, but Remus and Tonks deaths hurt more. Those two people were so incredible to me. Our relationships took time to build. It wasn't an instantaneous connection the way Sirius was. Sirius' death was painful because there was no thought to opening up to him. He was the first person who showed genuine friendship to me without conditions. Harry and Ron weren't my friends until I took the blame for that stupid troll incident First Year. However, Remus was a cautious person because of his condition. Tonks had a hard time relating to me in the beginning. It took work to find our middle ground and to become comfortable with each other. It doesn't mean their deaths didn't effect me less than Sirius or Fred. They were different relationships. Remus and Tonks started off as a slow mutual respect that grew into friendship. Then there is Fred, he knew I had secrets. He knew I couldn't tell them, and he showed me friendship anyway. He also was relentless when I was trying to cover small mistakes he overheard with my friends. He and George were my only true friends when I was forced to stay at the Weasley's. I never understood why I had to go there when I could have floo'd from my own home. I guess that would be something Ophelia could answer in her journals.

"And then maybe we might share in something rare

Won't you look at where we've grown

Won't you look at where we've gone" (A/N: Footnote 4)

We were all part of something rare. I'm in history books now. How fucked up is that? It's why I changed my name to Mia. I didn't want to be known for something I viewed as simple survival. For me, that's all it was. Kill or be killed. None of my friends had to worry about that because they were all half-bloods or purebloods. We were all victims of the toxic hate environment we grew up in.

I did share something rare with Draco. I now know, it wasn't all me. He's still single too. He still never really connected to another female. I'm not saying I would start a relationship with him again. It would take so much for me to ever trust him again. It would take so much for me to feel secure in any relationship I formed with him. It would take time and energy. Time and energy I simply don't possess. Any relationship would always come second to Enchantex. That company became my new dream, my goal, and my relationship. Draco would have to uproot his whole life for me to hypothetically consider ever trying to work through our issues. He would never do that because he still is obligated to his mother. He'll never choose me. Friends though? That could be possible. We did have something rare, and regardless of decisions made when we young and naïve, he could be a friend. He was a good friend to me before we let hormones and youth turn it into something more. I can't say I ever hated him, I hated our society. I hated the choices we were all forced to make. After knowing my friends in America, I now know everything in England was toxic. We were victims of a hatred and prejudice passed down from people who all now dead.

Look at where we gone. I moved to America and have 5 Masteries and a No-Mag Masters degree. I owe a multi-billion galleon worldwide company. I have accomplished more than most people have done in a lifetime. Harry has a family. The family he always wanted. Daphne is a wonderful mother and loves Harry and her kids with everything she is. Neville is a professor at Hogwarts. Draco sold most of Malfoy holdings and is C.E.O for a growing company. George he has ten stores across Europe and one in The District. We have all succeeded despite our lives growing up. Look where we are now.

"And then someday comes tomorrow holds

A sense of what I feel for you in my mind

As you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control

Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me, hey

But you left me far behind"

I should have told my friends how I was feeling. I should have gave them a chance. I left it all behind because I was selfish in my pain. I let it break me. I am not that sad girl anymore. I have come to terms with the role I had to play. I am secure in who I have become. It all makes sense what I need to do now. What I have should have done years ago.

I get up from the piano. As I'm walking out I say bye to Peter and tell him I'll text him later. I have a lot I need to do.

Footnote 1. I didn't write this song. It was a song written by my first husband. He was an insecure, jealous asshole, but wrote this beautiful song about his ugly buggy-eyed ex. I honestly, can't remember all the lyrics, it was 30 years ago (Damn, how time flies). I should probably credit him, but he was a first-class jackass, and there's all the credit he deserves. I was young and so dumb then, but such is life.

Footnote 2. Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt (2004) Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: James Blount / Sasha Scarbeck

Goodbye My Lover lyrics Universal Music Publishing Ltd., Downtown Dmp Songs

Footnote 3. What Might Have Been by Little Texas. (1993)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Brady Seals / Dwayne Keith O'brien / Porter C. Howell

What Might Have Been lyrics BMG Rights Management, Songtrust Ave

Footnote 4: Far Behind by Candlebox (1993)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Kevin Colin Martin / Scott Mercado / Peter Andrew Klett / Bardi David Martin

Far Behind lyrics Wb Music Corp., Skinny White Butt