No words could describe the way Hannah felt when she woke the next morning. A weight heavier than the world sat on her chest, preventing her from getting out of bed. The mere thought of waking up seemed a task too laborious to complete. What's the point? The only thing that had excited her to get out of bed in the past was Adrian. Now what? The idea of being a catalyst didn't seem so meaningful anymore. Her entire life seemed infinitely more difficult now. She'd have to talk to Dani about things she wished never to speak of again. She'd have to learn to torture people and complete tasks that go against her very nature. What was there to look forward to anymore? There was only one thing she wanted: for Suzanna to be dead. Killing Suzanna seemed a task worth getting out of bed for.
Outside the bedroom door stood Dumbledore and Snape, seemingly in a hushed argument.
"Ah, Hannah has come to join us," Dumbledore announced as Hannah entered the office space. Hannah paused in the doorway, awaiting an explanation. After a moment of deliberation, Dumbledore spoke, "It is clear you wish not to speak of our dear Adrian, so we shall not." Hannah felt his gentle eyes bore into her own, "Let's get straight to the point. In light of recent events, we would like it if you were to join the Order of the Phoenix. I hear that Severus has mentioned this to you in the past." Dumbledore nodded in Snape's direction, "If you still wish to take this path, you must read this piece of parchment with the headquarters information. If you do not, I will push no further." Dumbledore held the folded parchment out in offering. Hannah took it without hesitation and read '12 Grimmauld Place', then handed it back. "Very well. If feasible, you are to attend meetings alongside Severus." Dumbledore moved closer to Hannah and spoke more softly, "I know you will be going through tremendous hardship in the foreseeable future. I ask you to be strong, for you are immensely valuable to all of us," he moved in even closer, blocking Snape out entirely, and said in a whisper, "especially Severus." Despite her pain, these words gave her a small jolt of motivation. He gently squeezed her shoulder before leaving the room.
"How did you sleep?" Snape asked while placing a calming draught and dreamless sleep potion on the table. Hannah suspected this would become a daily ritual.
"I wish I didn't wake up," Hannah said honestly. Snape turned to look at Hannah; a shadow of concern flickered across his features.
"You don't plan on doing anything, do you?" Snape was clearly recalling the incident many months earlier.
"No." She pictured getting revenge on Suzanna for a moment, "I have something to live for right now." Snape watched Hannah as if reading her mind.
"You're aware that any misstep could jeopardise the Dark Lord's trust, aren't you? That includes harming his followers." Hannah tried to ignore the rage that bubbled inside her. Vengeance was the only thing on her mind. "Do you think I don't want anything more than to get revenge on the Dark Lord for murdering the only person I ever cared about? Be disciplined; otherwise, you will ruin more than you fix." She couldn't deny he had a point, but it was difficult to distance herself from her overwhelming emotions.
"I'm going back to bed." Hannah grabbed the dreamless sleep potion from the table and walked towards the bedroom.
"No." Snape summoned the potion bottle from Hannah's hand with a flick of his wand. "Your emotions will serve you well in our Crucio lesson."
"Here? Now?"
"Yes. Dumbledore has given permission to use the spell on a transfigured item." Snape took an empty potion bottle from his shelves, waved his wand, and turned it into a mouse.
"Isn't the use of an unforgivable curse illegal?"
"Only on humans." Hannah felt her rage begin to surface again.
"Of course. Animals are inferior and insentient." Hannah said under her breath sarcastically. Snape ignored her.
"In order to cast the Cruciatus curse, you need to have a desire to inflict pain on the recipient." Snape circled the table with the mouse on top, keeping a close eye on its movements. "This is where your rage is useful. Imagine the receiver is your worst enemy, the source of your anguish." He raised his wand to the mouse, "Crucio." He barely whispered the curse, but the mouse released horrifying squeals all the same. He mercifully lifted the curse a second later and looked at Hannah. Even though she knew it wasn't a real animal, Hannah couldn't distance herself from the guilt she felt as she looked down at the panting mouse. "It never does get easy to cast, but you must understand: if you don't cast the spell, another death eater will." Hannah watched the mouse as she tried to persuade herself to cast the spell.
"I think I would find it easier if the receiver was a human."
"And what if that human was Adrian, or myself? You do not get to choose who you torture." His statement hung in the air. If she couldn't torture a transfigured mouse, there was no way she could torture an innocent victim. She watched the mouse intently and focused on Suzanna's repulsive face as she recalled Suzanna casting the killing curse in her memories. She focused on the hot anger in her chest as she felt Suzanna's contempt while standing in front of the Dark Lord. Hannah's thoughts took a dark turn as she pictured taking the life out of Suzanna's unsightly eyes.
"Crucio!" Hannah voiced as she felt the anger surge through her veins and into her wand. The mouse pierced the silence with terrorised screams. Hannah held the spell as she pictured the screams coming from Suzanna's contorted face instead. The sound fed her anger as the hot surge from her hand became more and more intense.
"That's enough!" Snape grabbed hold of Hannah's arm, bringing her back to reality. She felt her heart hammering in her chest as if she had just emerged from a frenzied battle.
"Sorry." Hannah said shakily as she placed the wand on the table with trembling hands. Snape pursed his lips and transfigured the incapacitated mouse back into a potion bottle.
"You perform the spell like that before the Dark Lord and he'll be very pleased. But you must understand that excessive use can inflict permanent damage." Snape moved the calming draught in front of Hannah, indicating that she should have some. "There is a fine line between playing a role convincingly and delving into true malevolence." Hannah grabbed the calming draught and took an uncoordinated swig. Her anger slowly washed out of her veins. She couldn't help but feel startled by the intensity of her emotions. Her anger was quickly replaced by a feeling of stark emptiness. She wanted nothing more than to be in a thoughtless slumber. She wanted to wake up in ten years' time when the loss of Adrian was nothing but a distant memory. But then there is Snape, still grieving a loss from over a decade ago. Will she ever truly move on? Will she forever be burdened by the words she never said to him?
"I want to be alone." She whispered. She grabbed the dreamless sleep potion and returned to her bedroom, leaving Snape alone in the office.