ROOT POV
Making her way up the exit stairs of the subway and onto the grimy New York City winter sidewalk, a gust of biting cold air blew against her, causing Root to pull her winter clothes around her body tightly in an effort to stay warm. There was no snowfall, but the sides of the sidewalk had piles of snow, a reminder of when it had snowed last night. Her breath was visible in the frigid air, misting out in front of her as she walked back to her apartment. Even though it's years since she left the temperate southern winters for the cold north, she still isn't used to how cold it gets up here, and especially here in the city.
She didn't plan to be in the big apple at this time of year and specifically not today of all days. Her plan for today was supposed to be her in an empty house, preferably somewhere less cold, sitting on a ghastly colored chair with a similar hideous color plushy, and just wallow in gloom her day away. But nooo, Pauling just had to call her out of the blue two days ago to tell her there's a super important job that only Root can do, and Pauling would be in her debt if Root did the deed today.
Root didn't get why this job was so important that only she could do it or why Pauling would ask for a favor for it. All she had to do was kill some rich guy, and from the little skimming of his emails, the guy wasn't all that interesting to begin with. What did he even do to get a five-million-dollar contract on his head? Piss off some other richer guy in some club or something? The unimportance of the guy and the disturbance of her day irked Root. Pauling could have asked one of the Gregs to do this job rather than her. It's not that she needed the money.
It brings into question her wisdom to join the CSS, and what Pauling considered to be 'important'. In the two years since she joined this 'organization' has been nothing but mutually beneficial for all parties, Root gets a constant stream of fun, interesting high-paying jobs that gives her something to do in this boring aimless world and have a pleasant working relationship with someone that isn't bad code, which is especially rare in this profession, while Pauling gets a 2nd competent 'co-worker', since she doesn't consider the others to be anything other than contractors. The woman might be constantly jolly and happy, but her attitude when it comes to work is a complete 180. Which is why this whole thing pissed her off. This is the first time she encountered Pauling not being serious about a job.
Root is entirely aware that she has made a bigger deal out of this than necessary and would normally be happy with such an easy, juicy target. However, today wasn't a good day for her to do anything with her being overwhelmed with emotions, but fuck it, she gets to be whiny occasionally. Root just want to go back to the apartment and spend the rest of the day in bed or find something to distract herself with her laptop or break something. Maybe she could fuck around with that bitch again, that always cheer her up, and a reminder to herself that's the only reason she hasn't killed that bitch.
She took out her Blackberry when she felt it vibrate in her coat and looked at the screen. Speaking of the devil…
Is the job done?
Okay, this is getting weird. First, it's a super important unimportant boring target and now this. Pauling wasn't one to micromanage or to even check up on her before. She puts a lot of trust in the people she works with. So, what's up with this?
With her mouth, she removed her glove to free a hand, exposing it to the cold so she could type a reply to Pauling.
Yes, and next time, don't give me an such a trivial target.
Especially today.
Ideally, she would really like to scream at Pauling or maybe type a harsher reply, but that wouldn't be rational of her to do. Hypocritical of her to use rationality to not burst when she's being irrational about the significance of today, it should just be another day, like any other day, but the day is just a reminder of what she lost and that sucks. Root let out a frustrated sigh. Let's just hope that Pauling gets the message to not bother her on this day next time.
Oh, thank you Root! : )
You have no idea how relieved I am, and I owe you one! XOXO.
As Root stared at the message, that had replaced her annoyance with bewilderment. Something was not right, and she was always told to trust her gut. There's something missing from the entire picture and she's missing a piece of the puzzle that's causing Pauling to act all weird suddenly, but that's something for future her to piece together tomorrow.
With her phone back in her coat pocket and glove back on, she continued the short distance left towards the building where her temporary lodging is at. A cup of hot chocolate is just the thing for her to take on this horrid day. She should have checked the cupboard of that apartment if the owners stocked it with hot chocolate powder. Hot chocolate and bundling herself in bed for the rest of the day sounds like the best thing she could do right now.
Root opens the door to the apartment with her trusty tool that she had been using for more than a decade now. The second she crosses the boundary of the apartment and closes the door behind her, she felt something amiss, like there's someone other than her in the apartment but there shouldn't be anyone else in this apartment since the family that occupies it is on holiday down in South America.
This can't all just be coincidence, Pauling acting weird and now this. Is she being fucked with? Was the contract just to lure her here so someone could kill her? Was Pauling planning to kill her? She always knew to not trust that happy façade Pauling always puts on, or maybe someone is here to take some valuable data from her laptop in the master bedroom.
Root shook her head while taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it. God, her mind is on the fritz today. Now she just sounds like she's being overly paranoid, and that was her thing, not Root's. What she does is mitigate risk and not overthink a situation. Most likely scenario was someone was stupid enough to burgle this apartment, thinking that no one was home. Hell, she might be entirely wrong and there's no one in, but she isn't someone to ignore her gut feeling, because she knows what happens when she doesn't trust it, with today being a reminder of that.
She took out her pistol from her inner coat pocket and started quietly moving out from the entrance corridor. Peeking into the kitchen that's on the right side of the corridor. Alarm bells start flaring when she spots steam coming out from the kettle. Is there a house sitter that she isn't aware of? Damn it, that sucks since she would like to avoid killing someone in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe she could sneak into the bedroom to grab her laptop and other things without the interloper noticing.
Creeping out the corridor into the reception/dining area, Root spots a person who looks to be female by the length of the hair, sitting at the dining table, looking away from her direction at the living room and out the large window. That's good, looks like that woman didn't notice she entered the apartment. She could slip by and go up the stairs that's on the left side of the room.
As she crept away from the mouth of the corridor towards the stairs, she stopped dead in her tracks at the voice of the woman sitting at the table behind her. No, her entire world seemed to have stopped and tilted by what that woman had just said in the softest way possible.
"Hi, Sam."
… What the fuck?
She instantly spun around with her gun in hand, aiming at the woman who is still sitting at the table, looking off in the distance, and cautiously made her way nearer to the woman, as she feels her heart beats a million miles an hour.
How does this woman know Sam?
No one knows about that.
Nobody should know that name anymore.
Sam is gone and left to rot the minute she took off from that fucking town for good.
So, who the fuck ambushed her with knowledge no one outside of a small town in Texas should know.
"Who the fuck are you, and how the fuck do you know about Sam?" Her voice was gruff as she said it, unable to contain her apprehension.
She stopped off to the side and faced the woman. While she feels on the edge with her nerves going haywire, her breathing is still calm despite the whole situation she finds herself in.
"No swearing, Sam, and there's no reason to be uncouth." The woman said jokingly a phrase she hasn't heard in fifteen long years, in a voice that sounds so familiar it hurts as the woman turns her to face Root revealing a pale face with a pair of amber eyes that she has seen countless times in her past and in her nightmares.
She felt her breath hitch at the sight before her.
It can't be.
No, this is impossible.
A nagging pressure at the back of her head came in waves, like a distant thunderstorm approaching.
The hopeless search…
Ruth's curse of holding on to hope to see her daughter again as Root just sat there, unable to give closure to the woman.
Brain's spiral into alcoholism to cope with his anger and despair.
Her own anguish and weakness as she stares at the freshly dug ground.
She's dead…
… Blood, there was so much blood.
Han is gone, and she was all alone in the world.
So, this isn't who she thinks it is, and is just someone that looks like her.
No swearing, Sam.
Yet this person knows that phrase… Is she becoming like mom? Is she going insane? She's looking at and hearing words from someone that doesn't exist anymore.
"Who are you?" Root said with a quivering voice as she continued to aim her gun at the woman while gripping it for dear life.
The woman stared directly into her eyes with a smile on her face that has haunted her ever since that night in that library.
The brunette gave her that loving smile, like there was nothing wrong.
Root felt as if she had been taken back in time when she was weak and worthless. All the while, her body started to shake without control from the memories.
"You know who I am the moment you looked at me, and could you please stop aiming that pistol at me? By the way, that's a good compact pistol you got there." The woman, no… Han said in a small tone that sounds so foreign to her as she continues to clutch the steaming mug in her hands that's on the table.
With her hand going limp at her side, the pistol fell as if it were the heaviest thing she ever lifted. She shook her head in disbelief as she slowly moved backwards, away from the person who was supposed to be dead and buried.
This can't be happening!
It's impossible…
Han is dead. That thing… that man raped and killed her.
The bloody towels, the blood, the strands of brown hair, the wristwatch, the ground.
She's dead and Root killed the man who did it.
And yet the person in front of her is undoubtedly Han.
Did she escape from that man?
If so, why didn't she contact her?
Was she afraid of that man?
Did she run away from that fucking town and her because of that man?
Then why didn't Han contact her when she killed him?!
Her world seemed unsteady as the sofa blocked her from continuing moving backwards. She felt her fingers becoming numb and her head lightheaded, with black spots clouding her vision. A loud sound screeching sound of a chair being pushed back, and the pressure of someone gripping the sides of her arms brought back some semblance of stability.
"Hey, hey, hey. Remember to breathe slowly, Sam. Come on, deep breath and exhale. Good, that's good. Again…" Han said tenderly and tilted her head back in order to look into Root's eyes.
She felt her breathing slow down and her heart calm down as she followed Han's instructions. Did she almost blank out? She hasn't had such an episode in a while.
Root continued to stare into Han's eyes like it was the most mysterious thing in the world. This feels so wrong. Han was supposed to be the taller one, not her.
They continued to stare at each other as Han continued to hold her by her arms, but she could see that Han was getting uncomfortable by the silence with how she was chewing her lips and Root was getting uncomfortable with the pressure on her arms.
"Han…" Root tried to say something, but she was at a loss for words. What could she say?
Han gave her a brilliant smile that made her heart ache and said. "Hey, Sam."
That hit her like a bag of bricks. She's not Sam… Sam is dead and is rotting in that graveyard with mom.
Before she could say anything, Han said. "How much I have missed! I knew you have grown taller since, with all the pictures, but standing in front of you really brings things into perspective…"
Knew? Pictures? How long has she been looking at her from the shadows?
'Please let go of me.'
She needs more room. Being this close is suffocating.
How could Han just stand on the sideline and abandon her? For all 15 years? Did that mean she intentionally got into that car? Did she plan all of this from the beginning?
Today's weirdness…
Was Pauling part of the plan? To bring her into the city on the day when they first met in that fucking library when they were kids. Is Han somehow connected to the CSS? Why here in particular? Is this where Han has been staying? How long has she been here? How many times has Root been in this city and not known that she is here as well? Then why didn't she contact her earlier!? A million questions are going through her head and the pressure at the back of her head is just getting stronger.
"… and your hair. What happened to your blonde hair? Did it change naturally, or did you dye it?"
Of all the things that's fucked up right now, why is she talking about her hair? Can't she see what is wrong? How could she just stand there looking at her and act like nothing had happened?
This is too much…
She needs space.
"Please let go of me." Root said quietly in a shaky voice.
Han tilted her head with her eyebrows drawn together in a frown and said. "What?"
"Get your hands off me!" exclaimed Root, as she forcefully pulled herself out of Han's grasp.
Han let go of her with her hands held high like she's surrendering, with a shocked expression on her face wiping away the smile. Root's heart pounded in her ears as it began to rise again.
"Sam…"
She didn't let Han continue and said harshly. "My name is Root."
Han had a confused look and nodded. Even after all this time, she can still read Han's expression.
"Okay, Root, okay, calm down Root." Han said gently, but didn't make for her again.
Calm down? How could she calm down if what she suspects is true?!
However, she needs to think rationally and not be clouded by emotions right now if she is to understand what's going on.
"Yeah, you're right. We should have started with introductions first. It's been so long that we are using the wrong names for each other…"
Huh? Is she just ignoring or avoiding the elephant in the room?
"… Just like you, I don't go by the name Hanna anymore Root, you can call me Su." Han no… Su said after recomposing herself and smiling again with her hand on her chest to reintroduce herself.
Okay, she changed her name to her pseudonym from when they were kids as well, but that doesn't explain what's going on.
"How?" Root said in a voice that sounds so dead in her ears.
Su raised one of her eyebrows as if the question perplexed her and said. "How what? How did I find you? Because that's a long story…"
No, not that! Well, she wants to know that as well, but on the level of priority of what she wants to know, that's on the lower end of the spectrum right now and Su knows exactly what she's doing. This is just a distraction, even after all this time she continues to avoid issues that's in front of her.
"How are you still alive?" Root cuts off Su with her voice cracking at the question despite how dead it sounds.
Su stared at her blankly and said. "Oh… That…."
The frown came back as Su slowly walked backwards to the dining chair behind her and put her weight on the chair while gripping the top of the chair. Root unconsciously followed what Su did, but with the sofa that's on her back.
"Well…" Su stopped with her teeth clench as she looked away, before continuing. "Before you overreact or something… I guess you did eliminate that person, which was such a sweet thing for you to do, by the way. Just know I had everything under control when I shoved a syringe of barbiturate into that person before leaving."
Her heart sank after she listened to what Su said. Under control? Syringe of barbiturate? Did that mean she wasn't raped? Knowing Han Su from when they were kids, she must have had a plan. That means she knew exactly what did when she entered that fucking car. She knew what she was fucking doing when she looked at her with that fucking smile before entering that fucking car. Then she must have planned the blood…
"Why?" Root said with a gravelly voice, as she could not contain her emotions anymore.
Su stared back at her quizzically and answered. "Isn't it obvious? It's because of the void. With how crippling it made me, I couldn't stay in that godforsaken town any longer without trying to find something to plug the void, especially after it took away the joy and love I felt for ballet from me. You must understand that I had no other choice but to leave or I'll snap and do something we both would regret, plus I can't predict what's the next thing that dang void would take next. It could have been my love for you for all I know, and I just couldn't take that risk."
She felt her heart tighten a bit as she sat at the back of the sofa and listened to Su's explanation.
Oh…
The void…
Broken code, buggy code, the condition…
The countless times she saw her friend just shut down and stare off into the distance, just like her mother had done in the past. The changes in her mood whenever cold flares would strike. Her search to help find a cure for her friend.
The ballet… Why didn't she tell her about that? How long has that been a thing? Months before she left? Because she continued to go to practice with her until the end… Did she suffer through months of doing ballet with her just so Root wasn't suspicious of it? Why would she even do that? Why is she even thinking of that question? Knowing her back then, it's probably to avoid being in an awkward position.
Okay… that's a legitimate reason for her to leave that town, but they already had plans to leave the town together when they were older. That just doesn't explain the rest.
"Why did you leave me behind? Why the blood? Why the dug ground? Why did you have to make me think you're dead? Why did you have to make your parents think you died?" Root said, with emotions pouring back into her voice as she stares intensely into Su's eyes.
Su continued to have that puzzling look on her face, but now with a frown, before she replied in an accusatory tone. "You were the one that said no when I asked if you wanted to leave, and reason I made you think I died was to help you. You were always shy about the subject of liquidating a person, so I gave you a little push into the right direction and look at how much you have accomplished since, you're all the better for it. And what do my parents have to do with anything?"
What the fuck?
When did she even ask her about leaving? Root would have been able to remember if Han had asked her. Is she being gaslighted? Is Su lying?
Of course, she doesn't care about Mr. and Mrs. Frey. Why did she even bother to even ask that? She probably didn't even care about her when they were kids. Everyone was just a tool, wasn't it?
And how the fuck did any of that help her? How did abandoning her in that fucking town helped her? In what world did that help her?!
Root just sat there staring at Su dumbfounded by what she just hear as she tries to recall what Su was referencing. Then it struck her, a memory from back in 1991 a month before her friend went missing.
"Would you ever leave your mother?" Han asked out of the blue as Sam was playing around with the computer in the library, causing her to stop and stare at her tormented friend.
Why was she asking that? She knows the condition mom is in or did she forget about it after having to deal with her own condition? Is there something going on? Was this about their plan to leave Kingsville?
Because that haven't changed, she's certain that her mother would be better by then and she could leave without worrying about her. However, she can't answer too definitively since mom's condition could change, and Han has been jumpy for a while… How should she answer this question?
"You know I can't. She's sick, maybe after she's better?" She answered neutrally.
Han just gave Sam a blank stare after she gave her answer. Feeling off put by Han's reaction, she asked. "What's with the weird question?"
"Just curious about it." Han answered almost immediately with a smile on her face. That question still weirded Sam out but thought nothing more of it since she trusted Han.
Something in her snapped after she recalled that memory and she threw rationality out the previable window as her skull was being pounded by the pressure at the back of her head.
"You didn't ask me shit! You asked me if I would leave my mother and I said after she gets better! How the fuck would I know you would plan to leave at that time?" Root shouted with all the emotions that's been building up ever since at the stunned-looking person who she once called her only friend.
"Root, you need to calm down and please stop swearing. It doesn't add anything to this conversation other than getting yourself more worked up." Su said calmly after a moment of being shocked, but she didn't move closer to her, choosing instead to tighten her grip on the chair she was leaning on.
"Stop! You lost the fucking privilege of telling me what to do the moment you faked your own fucking death! You and your inability to say things clearly because you can't handle awkward situations have fucked up so many things. I would have followed you if you had asked me properly!" Root said pointedly as she moved forward a few steps from her position and pointed her finger at Su, who flinched from the shouting.
If she wasn't so high on emotions, she would have stopped the moment she saw Su flinch. Never had she seen her done that in the short time they knew each other, but at the moment she couldn't care and just air out all the emotions she had been bottling up for over 15 years.
Su let out a shaky breath before retorting. "Oh please, you wouldn't have. You want me to be direct? Fine, you were so blinded by some misplace childish 'parental love' that you would never leave that defect side so long as she draws breath, and I was not going to sit by doing nothing while my mind wilts away as you wait for that defect to 'get better' which only happened when she's dead." Su looked away from Root after she finished talking before she moved back to her seat at the table and clutched the steaming mug till her knuckles gone white.
Defect?
Is that what she always calls mom behind her back? Since they were kids? Oh, this bitch…
"Don't you dare call mom that again." Root hissed at the now sitting Su, who refused to look at her, which only aggravates her more. "Look at me!"
"Or what? You gonna run back to mommy again and hug her tightly so she doesn't stab herself again? Oh wait, she killed herself anyway, didn't she? Do you think it was easy for me to go through with it? But I did it anyway because I did it for you and I did it for us! What has your mother ever done for you?!" Su said with her voice gradually getting louder and louder as she continued to look away from Root.
She felt a sharp pang in her heart after the comment about her mom and her eyes getting misty. It was the other failure and a mark of her weakness in her life up until today. Her breathing became shaky as a memory of the day her mother died flashed through her mind.
Root pushed herself off the sofa as she made her way to the dining chair opposite Su and grabbed it for metaphorical support. She was half a mind to pick it up and toss it at Su, but she just couldn't muster the strength to do it. Despite everything that's been said and done, she just couldn't hurt or see harm being brought to the person in front of her. It didn't mean she's not fuming with anger and betrayal.
"She has done more for me than you could ever imagine and is that what you say to yourself so you could sleep soundly at night? That you were doing it for us. That you were helping me. In what fucking universe does making everyone that loved you think you are dead helped? I've thought that up until today that my best friend's last moments in life was her being raped before getting stabbed to death and spent years in the same town with her murderer, all the while everyone didn't believe he did it!" Root shouting and seething at Su as the pressure at the back of her head continued to pound like it's some fucking night club.
Su tilted her head, all the while as she still aggravatingly looked away from Root and let out a shuddered breath said quietly, barely above a whisper. "I thought… it wasn't… it's not… I could barely sleep anymore."
The answer put a damper on the fire that's in Root's heart. Even though Han/Su's betrayal stung her, she still couldn't help but worry about her.
"I have spent half my life without you. I've grieved and mourned you and I have moved on. So why are you back? Why are you dragging me back through all this pain again? Why now?" Root said with a brittle voice as she continues to stare at Su, who looks to be shaking.
There was a hole in her after Han's 'death' that took her years to patch up, and now Su came back with a sledgehammer and broke it down again. Deep down in her heart, she knows the rage she's feeling right now is fleeting. However, she didn't even know if she was happy that the person she once called a sister was alive. She might have like a decade ago when she needed her, but now… now she doesn't need her anymore. Root has taken the broken pieces of her life and made something out of it.
Su finally turned her head back towards Root, but she didn't look at her, instead looking into the cup she was shakingly clutching and said in a low voice. "Because I need your help."
If Root wasn't giving Su her full attention at that moment, she could have missed what she said because of how quiet it was.
Help? She needed help?
The promise she made to her best friend when she was 11…
"I promise you that I will do everything in my power to fix you, no matter how long it will take or die trying." She said confidently as she tries to comfort her distressed friend.
Despite the seemingly innocent nature of the plea for help, she couldn't help but be ticked off by it, and it caused her emotions to roar back to life.
"Oh, now you want my help? After everything you've done, you want my help? You can't even look me in the eye to ask for it. Where were you when I needed help? Your help, hmm?" Root paused as she saw Su flinch and bite her lips before continuing. "Away in some fuck off state doing God knows what all the while I thought you were rotting in the ground. I would have moved mountains to help you, but you spat that the moment you got into that fucking car with that fucking pedophile!" Root bristle at Su.
Su let out a shaky breath as she got up from her seat and said in a wavering voice. "I… This… I can't do this right now."
"Is that it? You came barging back into my life like a fucking wracking ball and you're going to fucking run away again when you don't feel like it? Why am I even surprised by that? You always disengage whenever things just get too uncomfortable for you! Am I just some fucking tool for you to use and discard whenever you want? Hmm? Just like you do to everyone you ever met. Well, fuck off!" Root raged at Su, causing her to stop halfway towards the corridor.
"There should be an instruction on your phone if you want to find me. I'll be in the city for another week before I have to leave, come or don't… It's your choice." Su said with a monotonal voice before she continued walking again.
Root just stares at Su from her position by the chair that she's still gripping as she walks away. Su stops at the entrance of the corridor with her hand by the wall for support and said. "You're the only person who I ever cared about in this life, and you're not a tool. You're someone that I will always cherish, even if you don't think the same."
Root just stares at the empty space where Su stood as she hears the front door close, signaling that Su has left. She just continues to stare for how long she doesn't know as the pounding pressure at the back of her head peaked.
She picked up the chair she's been gripping and tossed it across the room. Letting out a scream of frustration as she makes a mess of the apartment, destroying anything that was in front of her as she made her way through the apartment.
Root didn't know how long she spent physically releasing her anger, but by the time she finished, she collapsed on the floor of the living area, breathing heavily, surrounded by broken furniture and items. As she sat on the floor, she felt the pressure at the back of her head recede and physically exhausted.
There was a stinging sensation on her face, bringing her hands to her face. She felt tears on her hand. She took in a shuddering breath, trying to calm herself down. The last time she cried was when she was when she saw the mangled body of her mother…
She just sat there, trying to compute what had just happened and all the emotions she was feeling right now. Root could feel the setting sun coming from the window of the living area as she just sat there.
A cold gush of winter wind hit her, causing her hair to whip around wildly and messing it as she stood across the street at the building that was written in the message that was in her phone ever since the one-sided shouting match she had with Su last week. She continues to stare at the building, contemplating if she should even cross the street or not.
Looks like she didn't have to worry about Su's financial situation if she could afford to stay at the San Remo. Maybe she doesn't even live here and did what Root does whenever she needed a place to stay, but the instructions contradict that thought.
Should she even cross the street? It's been seven days since Su came bouldering back into her life. She spent the days since she trashed the apartment, thinking about what had happened and what she should do next.
Looking back on that day, she could admit to herself that she kinda went overboard with what she said, not that it wasn't justified, in her mind she was in the right and Su was in the wrong for what she did in general but that didn't change the fact that she could have handle that situation with a little bit more tact. Her overall emotions about what day symbolized, as well as the revelation, were just too much for her to handle, and her turmoil might have clouded her thought process.
Maybe she already left? Root might come to regret her decision to put off coming here every morning since that day if Su was no longer here, because she didn't feel like she was ready to face Su again…
Feeling the morning sun creeping up from the living room window brought her out from the haze of rage and tremulous emotions that wrought destruction to the temporary apartment she commandeered. Root barely remembered what she did after Su left, but she recognized that she blanked out the rest of the night. With her cognitive functions returning, she went right to the trashed kitchen, making sure not to touch any of the broken glasses. Rifling through the wrecked cabinets, miraculously unearthing a stash of the devil's drink she had not damaged, and guzzled all the bottles she could for the rest of the day. Root wasn't thinking of the consequences of her action, she just wanted to get shitfaced to distract her and soothe the pain she was feeling.
The hangover that she got when she woke up at noon the next day was one of the worst things she had felt in a long time; it was really a bad idea to get drunk when she hadn't eaten anything for over a day. Somehow, the hangover felt worse than the time she got beaten up to an inch of her life in Baton Rouge for a job. At least that was exciting, this hangover was just miserable. Nursing her hangover took her most of the day and by nightfall she left the apartment after setting the gas stove to burn down the apartment in a few hours because she can't be bothered with fixing the damage she caused.
As she walked the streets of New York to find a new place to stay, the thought of what Su said swarmed her mind. With undesired thoughts swimming in her mind, she went straight to the nearest club she could find, hoping to drown out the misery with alcohol, drugs, loud music, and partying. By the end of the 'night' she found herself in the apartment of a way too attractive woman she met at the club. With alcohol and molly coursing through their system, she ended her 'day' with mindless and passionless sex.
The morning after, she somehow woke up early only to be met with a warm sleeping body by her side. She felt nothing but disgust with herself at that moment, and she didn't know why. Might have been the hangover messing with her head or it could have been the result of her ignoring her problem. Root left the apartment of the woman she didn't bother to remember the name of without waking her up or leaving a message, because in the end of the day that nameless woman was just a 'tool' for her to distract herself from the torrent of emotions that still plagued her hungover mind.
Not having the strength to hunt down a place she could commandeer, she went to the nearest five-star hotel and shut herself in the suite. She barely left the soft hotel bed the entire time she was in that suite. The only time she got up was for sanitary reasons and grabbing the room service food at the door. She spent most of her time in the hotel tossing and turning in the soft sheets, trying to sort out her emotions as well as figuring out what she should do next.
Even after all the heartache and the sense of betrayal she felt on that day, the thing that kept repeating in her head was that Su asked for help. She needed Root's help, and she wasn't in the right state of mind at that time to even ask what she needed help with, nor did she even asked if Su managed to plug that void of hers. She figured that was what eating at her since that day and there's one thing that been bothering her about Su's mannerism on that day. Which was the stuttering and loss of words, near the end of their 'conversation'. Never in the past has she seen Su done either of those things when she's not wearing a facade to fool someone. It could have been that she was faking it, but she's seen enough to know that was genuine, and looking back, it was quite jarring.
Root came to the conclusion that she should hear what Su has to say before making a final decision. She owed her that much for all the wonderful memories they had together when they were kids and deep within her, she just wanted an excuse to help someone she once considered to be the other most important person in her life.
Gnawing on her lips in nervousness as she continued to look at the tall apartment building Su was staying in. Maybe she already missed her chance? Su did say that she would only be in the city for a week. Root restlessly looked down at her wristwatch and seeing that it was indeed still morning, 9:28am to be specific, meaning she's been standing here like a diddling idiot for almost an hour. God, she really doesn't operate well when she wakes up early.
Fuck it, Root doesn't hesitate. That was Sam, and not her. She fixed her messed up hair 'I really should get a cute beanie so my hair doesn't get messy when it gets windy here' and crossed the street towards the imposing building.
She gave a nod and put on a smile to the porter that's manning the door, who opened it for her while returning the pleasantries. The trick that she figured out not long after her first time in the city on dealing with them was to act extremely confident and always give them a smile.
Entering the lobby of the building, she went straight to the doorman that's manning the desk near the elevators. The man looks to be in his 50s, stood up from his chair and said with a smile. "Hello, how may I help you?"
Keeping the smile she gave to the porter, and following the instructions on her phone, she said. "Hi, I'm actually visiting a friend, Oleander Boole." Root gave an internal scoff at the name. Of course, her alias is the name of a deadly pink flower and a mathematician. Some things just never changed.
The doorman's eyebrows raised in shock and said. "Ah, you must be Miss Neumann. Miss Boole told me you would come but didn't say when. Imagine my shock when she said there was going to be a visitor coming. I've been here since she first moved in and have never seen a friend visiting her. Please sign here and I'll show you where to go." The doorman presented a logbook for her to fill her name.
Root was able to hide her shock at the revelation that Su knew one of her Alias. Just how much does Su know about Root? But she has nothing on her. Despite the colorful past they had with each other, they're basically strangers to one and other at this point. Better gather some information wherever she can about Su.
With how the man is talking, it seems like Su is still here. That's good, it felt like an imaginary weight was lifted from her shoulders. Her earlier apprehension was just her being dumb and irrational. Might as well mine some information from this man, he should know some things she has no clue about.
Root leaned on the reception desk with that fake smile still plastered on her face and said. "I guess she has always been a reclusive since we were younger, but she can't not have anyone visiting her at all, can she?"
The ageing doorman gave a hearty laugh and said. "I guess reclusive would be the word to describe her. She never talks to anyone here and her younger sister would visit her whenever Miss Boole was in."
Root let out a hum at that answer and keeping her face straight as she gets the new information. That meant Su didn't bother to blend in and integrate with her surroundings by putting up a façade anymore, but did that mean the energy she had when she was younger has mellow out as well? Their interaction last week was too short for Root to conclude anything. Also…
Who the fuck is her younger sister? Clearly it wasn't her, but Root had a sneaking suspicion about who that might be, so she carried on casually by saying. "Oh! That's so nice of her to visit her sister. She's always been the energetic and sociable one."
The elder doorman gave a small chuckle and said. "That's so true. The younger Boole is the total opposite of her sister. She is always happy and bounces around the place full of energy."
That sounds exactly like the person she's thinking of, and it looks like she found the missing piece of last week's puzzle. Root continued without missing a beat by letting out a small chuckle and saying. "She always loves to talk to other people, no matter who they are."
The man gave a big smile as he nods and said fondly. "Yeah, yeah. That sounds like Francine, and she's so kind. Whenever she drops by to visit her sister, she would stop by the desk to chat with that big smile on her and give some snacks that she brought for her sister as well."
Took Root a lot of willpower to not widen her eyes at the conformation. That answered how Su knew about her alias and how to find her. That meant Su has been monitoring her for at least two years now.
A pang of anger rushed back, and it took everything she had to maintain her composure. Seems like she better ask Su directly about this later rather than jumping to conclusions based on loose threads. She jot down her alias and signed her entry. The man gave a nod and said. "That's perfect. Please follow me."
"So how often do you see Oleander?" Root asked as she followed the doorman towards one of the elevators.
The man gave a hum and said. "Not that often, actually. She doesn't seem to have a fixed schedule for when she comes here and there was one year when she didn't come at all. Not that surprising, considering everyone that lives here has multiple homes."
She entered the elevator; the doorman scanned his keycard on the panel while standing outside of the elevator and pressed the 26th floor button, causing her to ask with a surprise on her face. "The top floor?"
The man gave an amused smile and said. "Yes, the penthouse. Have a good day, Miss Neuman." The elevator doors closed as soon as the doorman finished talking.
Her stomach felt like it's doing somersaults as she stood in the elevator looking at the closed doors with nothing occupying her mind other than the thought of what's next and the sound of the elevator moving. She hasn't felt this kind of nervousness and worry since the day she brought mom to the hospital at Kingsville to get her stomach pumped out from taking too much of her meds when she was 17. Root wasn't even sure why she's feeling such emotions, it's not like Su is dying… unless she was? Is it even possible to mourn and grieve for the same person again after finding out they were alive the whole time? Su is practically a stranger now… and she never really minded when a stranger dies before…
Root shook her head to get rid of the nonsense speculations that had popped up. There's no reason to worry about something she does not know. However, is Su really a stranger to her? Root been telling herself, but she wasn't sure if she's convinced. Her train of thoughts came to a stop when the elevator bell rang and the doors opened, revealing a small, ornately beautiful vestibule.
Stepping into the vestibule, she looked at her surroundings as the elevator doors behind her closed. The wall façade uses a distinct wood color that's been shaped and placed in an intriguing design. It reminds Root of the lines in Rockefeller Center, but the design just doesn't seem to suit Su style, the coloring is too dark and too gaudy with no sign of minimalism meaning she didn't bother to renovate the place when she got it from the previous owner. There are two doors, one on her right next to the elevator and the other is further down the room on the left side. Which door should she go through? Not that she can see any doorbell she could press. She noticed four CCTV cameras in this small space. Su might be watching her right now, so Root waved and smiled at one of the cameras.
Almost instantly, the door on her right unlocked with a loud thunk and Root opened the door to enter what looked like a foyer with a staircase going upstairs. She was expecting to be greeted by Su, but there's nobody here. Did she unlock the door remotely? Looking back at the door, she saw that the locking mechanism had electronics and wire hooked up to it.
Now where is she…
She hears the sound of a wood fire on her left, causing her to look in that direction and sees a fireplace through a half opened sliding door. The living room seems to be the best place to start her search. Root stuck her head through the half-opened door to look inside the room and see the room was filled with multiple plushy shades of pink furniture that just doesn't fit with the overall interior design of the room. Root couldn't help but smile at the hideous colors of the furniture. At least it wasn't neon pink, but it seems like some things just never changed.
She spots Su sitting on one of the plushy single seat couches further down on the right side of the room facing a window with a view of central park. Making her way towards Su, she felt her stomach knotting again from nervousness. Is this some kind of power play that's Su is doing or is she being vindictive for how Root acted last week? Not greeting her and making her find Su.
Stopping behind Su, she saw her wearing a large open back headphone, letting her hear what music Su was listening to. Is that Green Day? Now that's a change. She used to only listen to country and old school rock. And does she not notice Root is behind her? Did she not unlocked the door for her?
Looks like Su was fully absorbed in typing on her laptop that's on her lap and Root couldn't help but scoff at the sight of the laptop. Of course, she's using an IBM ThinkPad, once a big blue fangirl, always a big blue fangirl, even though IBM doesn't sell personal computers anymore.
What's more interesting is what Su is coding in Vim. It looks like she's writing a complicated cryptography program using C++. In the past, Su really tried to get Root into cryptography, but the subject was never really her thing. She was more interested in finding exploits and hacking.
Should she just wait until Su finished with what she's doing right now? Because Root knows when she's deep into the grove, she hates being disturbed, but… that would mean she just stands behind Su like some creep. Maybe she could just leave? Su doesn't seem to notice that Root is behind her, and patch up the hole that Su created last week. There's no need for her to revisit past pains and she can move on once again, like she had been doing for the past 15 years…
Yet she just couldn't move away from her, as if gravity were pulling Root towards her.
Her throat felt dry as her hand opened and closed in nervousness, then she saw moved her head to the side, revealing a necklace chain. A chain that looks awfully familiar…
Why is she hesitating at the last minute? Taking a deep breath, she moved forward her hand to touch Su on the shoulder and said loud enough so she could hear. "Su?"
She felt Su flinched the moment her hand touched the other brunette. Su snapped her head to her with her eyes wide open with surprised and quickly removing the headphones from her head.
"Sam? No, no… Root?" Su asked, startled by Root's sudden appearance.
Root kept the smile on her face, but inwardly she grimaces at that slip of the tongue. In contrast to last week, when her emotions were overwhelming, and she didn't take note of Su's features clearly, this week she was able to see Su clearly. Her face is gaunt as if she hasn't been eating while her skin is ghostly pale, paler than what she remembered in the past and she's wearing a square thin frame glasses. And the lenses doesn't help with the sunken eyes. Overall, it screamed to Root that the person in front of her isn't healthy. A pang of worry shot through her at the sight before her. When was the last time she slept or eaten?
"Hi there." Root said with a tight smile as she quickly recoiled her hand away from Su and made her way to seat on the single seat couch on Su's left.
Su moved her laptop away from her and put it on the table beside her without looking away from Root, as if she would run away if Su looked away. Not an unfounded fear if she thinks so, with not jittery she's feeling right now.
"Yeah… uh, hi to you too… I thought you wouldn't come, after everything and…" Su said with uncertainty in her voice as she picks on the couch with her right hand while her body was facing Root.
"Uh-huh, I wasn't sure myself for a few days, but here I am." Root said ambiguously before continuing. "Why were you even surprised? I thought you were the one that unlocked the front door."
Su scrunched her eyebrows and said. "Oh, that. I created a deep learning facial recognition system that helps me move from one safe house to another without having to remember which keys are for which safe house. I hope you don't mind me uploading your pictures so the door would unlock for you automatically."
Root's eyebrows went up by that explanation. That would explain the CCTVs and girl… a system to identify a person using crappy cameras? She knew the government has been trying to create a similar system but here a single person created such system and it's, so she doesn't have to haul a bunch of keys…
"That's fucking amazing." Root said with a genuine smile bloomed on her face. It brought back so many memories of them creating innovative software together and Su giving horrible names for said software.
Su gave her a smirk and raised a single eyebrow at her as if she was telling her something. Of course, she's going to be prickly about her language.
Root let out a snort while she rolled her eyes and said. "Fine, sorry." Her eyes fell on the necklace that's on Su's light pink blouse and said gently. "You still have that ugly thing."
Su tore her sight from Root to look down at the object of attention and fiddled with it using her left hand. "I've never taken it off." Su said softly, without looking back at her.
Root looked away from Su, trying to not think about what she was implying because it hurts too much.
"I like what you did with this place, gives it contrast. Really screams you." Root said casually.
She heard a snort that caused her to look back at Su, who had this knowing smile on her and said mirthfully. "Oh, be honest with yourself. You hate it."
Feeling comfortable again, she turned back and saw Su giving her an amused smile. "Hmmm… Hate is a bit too strong of a word. I would have preferred if it's black or gray, honestly anything but these shades of pink would be better." Root replied teasingly, causing Su to snort.
After a few seconds of uneasy silence, Root asked. "When did you start wearing glasses? I remembered your eyesight started to wane after your 13th birthday, but you never really needed one."
Su gave a hum as she took off the glasses to examine it before putting it back on and answered. "Started wearing them in 93, after I couldn't just ignore the myopia anymore."
Su can't help but snort at that. Of course, she tried to ignore it at first, it's just on brand for her. Silence returned between them, as neither knew what to say.
"By the way, what happened to your hair? Did you dye it?" Su asked the same question she asked last week while tilting her head as she looked at Root's hair.
She gave a shrug and answered as she wrapped a few strands of hair on her finger. "It started to change color like… a year after you left. Was weirded out at first but I got used to it after it became the same shade as moms. And you cut your hair… When did that happen?"
"I had my hair short since leaving Bishop, was easier for doing jobs." Su paused for a few seconds before continuing. "Oh… Remember, you used to say that if your hair was brunette like mine, we would look like sisters and I would always say that I preferred the contrast, but I guess genetics has other plans." Su said jokingly and gave a small chortle.
"Yeah…" Root said neutrally, not knowing how to respond to that, causing an awkward and uncomfortable silence descend on both of them as the knot in her stomach gets tighter. God, there's such a disconnect between them. It's painful to experience and feels so unnatural.
"Soo…" Root paused as she drums her finger on the sofa's arm, thinking of what to say next before continuing after a few minutes. "What were you doing on the laptop? I saw you're doing something with ring signatures."
There's a small smile on her lips before she said. "Hmmm… It's an idea that's been floating in my head for a while now." Su paused to think. Root could see a glint in her eye that she had seen so many times when they were younger. Su gave herself a nod before continuing. "You know how much it sucks to get paid or do transactions for jobs you get on the DarkNet?"
That's obvious. Before joining CSS, getting paid for a job was always a hassle. Root nodded in understanding. Not that she knows where Su was going with this. However, from past experience with Su, it's probably coming up with some brand new tech that's never been heard before and that sparked an excitement she hasn't felt since they were kids and creating cutting-edge software together.
"Okay, imagine a currency that only exists digitally, and it's not being controlled by any government or financial institutions. Instead, it uses cryptography to make sure each transaction is secure and create new units of currency." Su said in a slightly cheerful tone, but compared to the past, there was less excitement in her explanation.
Root eyes widened at the implication of what Su is proposing/creating. There's a million things going through her mind about this currency, but she asked the most obvious question. "So, how will the transaction be tracked and confirmed without banks or the government? There must be some kind of ledger, or hell, even an Excel spreadsheet would do."
Su gave her a big smile and replied. "That's where the distributed ledger comes in that records the transaction securely. Imagine this ledger is made up of a chain of blocks, with each block containing a set of validated transactions! To add a new block to the chain, a network of computers must come to a consensus on the validity of the transactions within the block. Once added, the block is immutable and cannot be altered, creating a tamper-proof record of all transactions. Things can still change since this is all still in the concept phase, and I still haven't figured out what to call this ledger system, but I have a few in mind."
Root was extremely interested in the concept, but gave Su a deadpan stare as she said. "Please don't give it a shitty name. There's already an obvious name from your own description. A chain of blocks? Hello? Just name it blockchain."
Su gave her a pout and replied. "But that's so boringgg and obviousss… how about CyrptoSuasage? Because each sausage is linked together with cryptography."
"I do love sausages, but I gotta give that a pass." Root said instantaneously with an amused tone as she felt herself lighter with the banter and any sense of nervousness gone. It brought her back to a simpler time.
"Ugh… how about SpaghettiBlocks? Because it's a tangle web of transaction blocks." Su said, sounding frustrated, but Root could see a ghost of a smile on the other brunette's face.
"Hmmm… I'm just salivating by that thought, but pass. Sounds too close to spaghetti code. Don't want people to associate your code with messy code, do we now?" Root said merrily. She feels so comfortable with this conversation. Her thought wasn't consumed by pain or betrayal but with something they both enjoyed. This feels right, like something missing from her life returning.
"Oh, come on… Chainmail? Since it protects each transaction?" Su said, questioning her own explanation.
Root didn't dignify that horrible name with an answer and just gave Su a knowing look with a smirk on her lips.
"How about… no, that sucks… What about LedgerChain?" Su said, sounding more unsure as she continued on.
She gave an exaggerated eye roll and said. "Your shitty naming skills must have atrophied a lot since we were kids, you know? Because you blew your load on the first two names and the other two are just sad."
Su looked disgusted at first before flustered as she raised her hand in a mock surrender and grudgingly said. "Sigh… Fine, I'll take blockchain into consideration."
Root couldn't help but let out a small chain of giggling at the whole nostalgic exchange, causing Su to smile brightly at her.
"How are you planning to power the transactions? You said distributed meaning you're planning for this to be a P2P network and I assume it's going to be public, but what's the incentive or reward for some rando to contribute their processing power to validate the blockchain?" Root said with a teasing tone for the last bit.
Su shot her a friendly glare before saying. "Well, people are sheep, and they will do anything if you wave some green papers at them. In this case, it's digital green paper. Since you're insistent on using the blockchain, I'll use the term mining for validating the blocks. When a computer finishes the hash function, i.e., the mining of the block, the user of that computer will be rewarded with still unnamed digital currency, thus providing an incentive to the flock."
"What's up with the ring signature? You're trying to obfuscate where the transactions come from? And what hash function are you going to use? SHA-2 or are you going to make your own?" Root speculated.
Su gave a sly smirk at her and answered. "Hmmm… I'm kinda creating this to enable easier ways to conduct illicit activities, so the need to have privacy and security is a priority. As for the hash function, I haven't decided yet. It's still up in the air. I might just modify SHA-2 for this."
Root gave the entire thing a once over and came to the conclusion that this 'currency' might just work. "All you need now is for lots of people, not just criminals, but ordinary people as well, to believe that this currency has value, since it can't just be criminals that use this, it's gotta be like the CIA with Tor. You could create the best code in the world for this, but if people aren't convinced it won't be worth shit. Also, I'm assuming that this would be open sourced, since I can't imagine you solo maintaining this for all of eternity."
Su waved her hand as if to dismiss something and said. "Yeah, people are simple. With the right marketing, we could sell it to anyone. Just have to conjure up a name that everyone would cling to. Imagine it like digital gold or something stupid the sheep would flock towards or market towards those antigovernment/antiestablishment sorts. They would gobble this up in a second. Yes, to the open source thing, I'll just create everything, then upload it to the repository after I publish a whitepaper about this and not touch it again. Letting it go out into the wild."
We? Was that a slip of the tongue, or is Su subtlety inviting her to join in on this project? Not that she minds doing this. Honestly, it would be something exciting for her to do and fun as hell to help create, especially doing something together like this again.
"Could I be your first contributor?" Root said playfully. Internally, she was a bit conflicted about putting it out there, without resolving the main issue between them, but she just couldn't help herself with this. She was always drawn to fresh ideas and technology.
Su's eyes widened in shock and answered instantaneously. "Of course! … Well, if you want to. It would be just like old times, but this time we have version control and git. I'll send you the link later."
She couldn't get rid of the smile on her face as she said. "Great, and I get to choose the name of this currency."
Su opened her mouth to retort, but closed it before replying poutingly. "Fine…"
Root was a bit shocked at how easily Su capitulated in that demand. She would have thought that there would be more resistance to it. Now she just need to think of a suitable name for this currency.
"Why are you even creating this? I thought money doesn't matter to you, or did that change?" Root asked, puzzlingly.
Su gave a shrug as she answered. "Still don't. It's just that I saw an inefficiency in the system and I knew I could create something that would fix that."
Root could only hum at that answer. Over time, she came to the realization that without Su's influence, money slowly started to matter to her, but it's not everything to her as it was for some people. What mattered to her the most was to not get bored because when that happens, things get a bit fucky.
Root looked away from Su to look out the window at Central Park and said. "I like this place. The view is grand, and it feels comfortable, but isn't it a bit too gaudy for a safe house?"
After permanently leaving Bishop, she never bothered getting a safe house again, preferring to stick to shitty motels or commandeering somebody's residence for her needs.
"Actually, I bought it just for the view. I enjoy looking at the park as the snow falls. It calms me down." Su said wistfully.
"Must cost you a pretty penny to get this place." Root said offhandedly as she looked back at Su.
"Ehh… It wasn't too much in 95, but Oleander needed a permanent residence that goes with her 'job'. Taking over the building, however, took a bit. Bought it after 9/11." Su replied without a second thought.
Root raised an eyebrow at that… why would she do that? "That's a lot of money… I have a feeling that our choice of occupation are the same, you couldn't have done enough jobs to get that kind of money."
"Having AA helped, but yeah… I had to do other things." Su said as she continues to pluck the chair threads.
She still uses AA? It shouldn't have surprised her that Su still uses that. It was a handy software, but Root stopped using it not long after Su left her. She just didn't have the heart to continue updating the software that they developed together.
This however, is an opportunity for her to ask. "Does that other thing have to do with Pauling or CSS?"
"Ah… Was it that obvious?" Su asked with a tired look on her.
So, there was a connection. Root tilted her head and said. "Pauling was very suspicious when she gave that 'job'. Who was that guy I killed, anyway?"
Su gave a small shrug and said. "No clue. Was just some random I picked off the street." She let out a sigh and shook her head before continuing. "I shouldn't have told her that was important. That girl always takes what I say too literally."
A frown came on at that answer. Root was no saint, and she knows she doesn't particularly care about most people, but she tries to not kill a person at random with no reason. Her morality might have changed a lot since Su left, but she's no psychopath.
"So, what's your relationship with Pauling and CSS? Are you the other fellow co-worker as well?" Root asked.
Su shot her a look before answering. "Kinda? I guess. I'm her employer and I run CSS."
The revelation shocked Root to a point where she didn't know how to respond, causing Su to shift uncomfortably from the long period of silence. That meant she's been unwittingly working for Su for the past two years since she always assumed Pauling was the head of the organization. There wasn't any hint that there was someone else pulling the strings, meaning Su must have deliberately hidden her involvement either from Root or from everyone.
"I'm not sure if I should feel disturbed or flattered by that. Was this part of the plan? You've been wanting to contact me for the past two years? Because I could easily imagine you doing that with how you love putting uncomfortable things to the side." Root replied bitingly.
Su grimaced and said. "I actually had Pauling recruit you because you were so dang hard to keep track of and the plan was for me to reunite with you after I plugged the void, but things changed after the accident."
Root couldn't be bothered to process the implication that Su been trying to track for gods knows how long, as she felt a cold pang of worry surging through her and said. "An accident?"
Su looked away from her and picked her sofa's thread harder as she said lifelessly. "Yeah…"
They were almost back to 'normal' and now Su looks to be closed off. There's something else to this that she isn't saying, but it's better to not rush this.
"Soo… Why did you change your name?" Root asked after a minute of silence between them.
Su looked back at her and said petulantly. "Why did you?"
Is she seriously using that childish retort? Well, her reasons aren't that complicated, and she replied evenly. "Because Sam was weak and useless, so I got rid of her. Now you?"
The answer caused a massive frown to form on Su before she shook it off and answered with a shrug. "A name is just a name. It's just that this is the name that I've chosen for myself rather than given to me."
Huh… a difference of philosophy. And what's up with that frown?
A few minutes of silence passed before Root broke it with a. "I didn't say this earlier, but you look like shit."
Su looked like that offended her and replied. "Am not."
Root scoffs and said. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? If the dictionary has pictures, your picture would be in there for the definition of unhealthy."
The other brunette made a face and said. "I… might have had a bad couple of years."
How bad was 'bad'? Her definition of bad might be completely different to everyone else in the world if her definition of 'help' has anything to say about it.
"When was the last time you ate something or slept? Is this 'bad couple of years' the reason you're as white as a sheet?" Root demanded with a worry tinge in her voice.
Su looked dead into her eyes and happily said. "I ate an apple last night."
Root could only deadpan at what her former friend had said. It's like it was an achievement to even eat anything. She knew it was hypothetical of her to criticize her for not eating breakfast since she also skipped it, but at least she had a full dinner last night and not just an apple. Something changed. Su was not a big eater in the past, but she enjoyed eating food. Unless…
A disturbed thought crossed her mind, and she said. "Is this related to you needing help and why you came back? Did you lose your sense of taste to the void? Like when you can't taste sugar anymore but for everything else."
"Yeah… Something like that…" Su said lifelessly.
She frowned at that reply. Su's hiding something else…
"You came back into my life like a meteor, asking for help. If… and I can't stress that enough, if I were to help, I need to know what is wrong." Root said almost pleadingly.
Su looked away from her for a few seconds as if she was contemplating before turning back and saying. "The void is a menace as usual and over time I've grown used to its hijinks, even with all the things it has taken since I left Bishop, but that's not the problem… A few years ago, I started having episodes where my perception of reality changed. Things I touched felt unreal, like solid object feeling squishy or not having weight. Sometimes lights might be brighter than I should be, sometimes an object would look bigger or smaller than it should be. Often people or large objects would lose it shape, becoming unknown figures and shapes, all the while I can't name what's in front of me. Over time, it just gets worse and worse. It all just makes me question reality, my sanity and makes me feel insane."
Root sat frozen by the revelation. She knew that she was competent enough in this field after reading the medical literature about these subjects for decades to help manage mom's problem and her own occasional but rare bouts of disassociation; she knows exactly what Su was describing.
"How long have you been experiencing derealization? Do you know what triggers it or what causes it? Was the accident caused by an episode?" Root questions with fear and nervousness lacing in her voice as memories of handling her mother's condition resurface.
Su brought her leg up onto the sofa and hugged it as she said. "Q4 2001 was when it first started and yeah, I was having a bad day when drove my car into a traffic pole…" Root felt her body tremble at the memory of seeing mom's car wrapped around the tree. "… episodes come whenever I get too stressed out or angry or a combo of both or sometime just loud noises and what causes all of this is you, Root."
That dumbfounded Root and the only thing she could say was. "What?"
"Mhmm… When I was in the hospital, I concluded that it somehow involved you after reviewing the timeline of events; it lines up with when you left Bishop. I don't know why, but ever since then, I've been stressing or worried about you and it's been simmering at the back of my mind until my brain just couldn't handle it anymore. That's why I need your help. I need you back in my life because I don't know how long until an episode kills me, or it drives me to a point where I would rather die." Su said shakily as she tightens her leg hug, making herself into a ball.
Root tries to not think about the parallels between mom and Su as she took a few seconds to process the new information before she mumbles. "Halfway through our conversation last week, you couldn't look at me most of the time. You had an episode last week, didn't you?"
Su nodded and said. "It was a minor one… the shouting match didn't help. If it was worse, I would have exited the apartment without a word."
Letting out a shudder and she asked. "And how long since your accident and how long were you in the hospital?"
Su looked at her as if she was unsure why she was even asking it before answering. "Happened in the beginning of September and I was in the hospital for a fortnight, including the 4 days when I was in a coma."
The guilt hit her like a punch to the gut. That meant Su was in a coma when Root was getting intoxicated and high in some club 'celebrating' her birthday. She shifted her sitting position after feeling a wave of uneasiness. Why was she even feeling guilty about this? It was Su's decision to leave her in the first place. So why does she feel sick to her stomach at that thought? A mental image of Su lying in a hospital bed with all the hospital doodads attached to the lifeless body and the memory of seeing mom's dead body invaded her mind.
"You said that you figured it out in the hospital… so why didn't you contact me after that? Why wait months before contacting me?" Root said waveringly.
Su laid her head on her knees as she bit the bottom of her lip before saying. "I thought you would have appreciated we reunited on the day we met."
Again, thinking she would like it, Root let out an empty cackle and said. "Why the fuck would you think that? The same goes with you thinking faking your death meant helping me."
The other brunette has a sour look on her as she said. "I guess… how do I put it… I might have misjudged… It's just that, since we were kids, we had the same disposition, it was like our brain waves were always in sync and I thought you would have appreciated it after I explain it because I would have."
She couldn't help but let out a loud, ill-mannered snort at the answer. They weren't the same in the past, sure they had similar interest, humor, temperament and at one point she might have agreed with Su but in the course of time she spent alone, she could see how different they were to each other. Now she doesn't even know who the person is sitting beside her right now, nor does the other know her. Some parts are the same parts are the same, but she could see that Su was no longer the happy, loud, joyful, energetic girl she once knew replaced with someone who was sullen and dejected.
Root took a minute to recompose herself. "You know… back then, if you had just told me that you needed to leave Bishop, I would… no… you were right, I would not have followed you because of mom but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have stopped supporting you. I could have figured out a way to help you from Texas, and yet you didn't give me that choice… I didn't need your help in motivating me to kill someone, that was something I would have done, eventually. What I needed was my friend, but she was gone." Su started off clinically, but slowly her voice trembled as she went on.
"Oh…" Su said while looking uncomfortable, as if she doesn't know what else to say.
She snuffled a little before continuing. "Ya know… I still don't understand how to describe what I feel about all of this…"
Root could see Su's jaw trembling as she paused to think about what to say next. "What I know is that you have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine… but that does not mean I want to see you die again."
Su's eyes widen as her trembling stops and said. "Are you say…"
Root cut her off by saying. "Yes, I'll help you with your new problem, although I'm not sure I can trust you anymore."
"Root… I've never lied to you." Su said with a small frown.
"You fucking faking your own death is a big fucking lie. If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be longer than the empire's state building." Snapped Root.
Su raised her hands to surrender and said. "Fine, fine… I don't want to argue."
She took a deep breath to calm herself down. Root almost felt bad for snapping at Su.
"But I want to try… and I made a promise to you 17 years ago that I would do everything in my power to fix your broken code, no matter how long it takes." Root said with a strained smile.
The other brunette's eyes were wide with shock as she nodded her head mindlessly and whispered. "Thank you.."
Mom's death left her feeling like a kite with no string, trying to stay afloat in the air and not come crashing down to the purposeless earth. Now she felt like there was a string again to guide her through the meaningless world again.
A comfortable but weary silence descends on the both of them but as they looked out the window to see snow falling outside. It really is a beautiful view.
"Can I give you a hug?" Su said longingly.
Her head snapped from the tranquil scene outside of the window to look at Su, who has that loving smile she used to put on in the past. "Okay."
Standing up on the plushy sofa, she could feel her body ache from the prolonged seating. How long did they talk for?
They both stood in front of each other, not knowing what to do next, as if they had never given a hug before. This is the closes she has been to her in 15 years…
"It's so freaking weird that you're shorter than me." Root said, eying the height difference. Is she like three inches shorter? Her mind still hasn't comprehended that she's the taller one now.
Su let out a soft chuckle and said. "I guess things changed and I'm sure we'll manage."
Not wanting to stand awkwardly anymore, Root went forward and envelop the other woman in a hug, who reciprocate by hugging her tightly. She could feel how thin and frail Su was. It concerned her about how blasé Su was with her eating habits. Well, that's something she has to fix first, can't have her keel over and die of hunger before she can fix her code.
"I've missed you so much." Su mumbled next to her ear.
Root hums in response as they continue to hug as both trying to recoup the lost year's affection to their satisfaction but at the back of her mind as they hold each other in warm embrace there was devious whisper souring the mood.
'She didn't even say she was sorry.'
A/N: This chapter was harder to write than usual, hopefully it isn't bad. 5 years left until POI starts