Chapter 23

Pepper waited patiently that day for Tony to wake up from his coma. Again and again, she went through what she wanted to say to him, but her head was surprisingly empty. Anger and fear mixed, making it difficult to concentrate. Then finally, in the early afternoon, Tony came down. The hangover was evident on his face, but surprisingly not in the way Pepper would have expected given Tony's condition that morning.

Tony seemed surprised to see Pepper. He stopped briefly and stared at her. Then he smiled although he seemed not quite happy with her presence.

"I don't know if you can remember this morning…" Pepper began immediately.

"I can."

"Okay, good. Because you were pretty drunk. As always lately." She didn't know what words to choose, how to make him understand how serious this was. But she had to try.

"Pepper… Can we… maybe not do this right now?" Tony looked away, obviously very uncomfortable.

"We have to."

"No." Tony walked past her, but apparently wasn't sure where to go, so he stopped again.

"Tony, listen to me."

"No, I'm not going to listen. I don't want to hear it."

"You need to hear this."

"Go away."

"Ok, I'm going away. But first you'll listen for a second! You need to stop the drinking. Tony, I'm serious! It makes me sick by now. You need to stop. Tony! Please! Take a moment and think about it. You are drinking so so much. For almost a year now. This is getting really dangerous. Please think about what you're doing to yourself… Do you hear me?"

Pepper looked at him und hoped her words found a way through to him. She felt herself almost shaking with excitement and fear. But Tony didn't answer. He didn't even look at her. Pepper was on the verge of tears.

"Tony, every time something upsets you or stresses you out, you run away and get drunk. I know it seems like it helps you... and it probably does with keeping some emotions more under control. But in the end, it just makes things worse. And come on, Tony, you know that. You are working relentlessly on harming yourself… and it hurts to watch you do it."

Tony remained silent.

"To be specific, it hurts me to watch you do it."

And this was the moment, Tony did look at her. Even though he still didn't say a word.

"Ok," Pepper said tired. "You're not responding. Then don't. But I hope you heard me. Because if you still care about anything you are going to stop with the drinking. If you care about me, you stop. And if some part of you still cares, maybe you're glad to hear that New York went well. Most of the things are settled. It's just one appointment with the architect left before they can start with everything. There's a meeting in a few days… and if you care you'll show up sober and help me get through it. Needless to say it should be the other way around..."

And with those words, Pepper left to go home and to cool down and maybe to distract herself. She needed a break and she hoped that her efforts had not been in vain.

"Mr. Stark, there is the business lunch today with the architect Mr. Ramirez to discuss the contracts. Along with Miss Potts."

There was something warning in Jarvis's voice. Tony wondered what could have driven him to program Jarvis so cheeky.

"That's on my radar," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"What makes you doubt?"

"The drink in your hand, Sir, it's eleven a.m."

Defiantly, Tony stared down at his glass of whiskey. He wanted it. He desperately wanted that glass of whiskey. But then he also wanted to show Pepper that he had heard what she had said. It felt like a promise. To at least try. If he showed up drunk at this lunch afterward, he didn't know what Pepper would say or do...

But he wanted to drink that whiskey. He had to drink it.

Tony shook his head to dissipate that thought from his mind. He could hold himself back, and then just have a drink tonight when Pepper wasn't around. But it was a long time until then. Too long. Tony put the glass to his lips.

"Sir, my data shows that your alcohol consumption is significantly elevated compared to pre-Afghanistan. And for the last three months, it's been increasing exponentially," Jarvis said at that exact moment.

Tony paused, then set the glass back down. Increasing exponentially. Uh-huh.

"If I may add, Miss Potts is right. You should strictly reduce your consumption, or you will face significant health problems. I pointed out to you elevated liver enzymes months ago, and they have increased even more. They are in an absolutely dangerous range now, Sir."

Of course, Tony heard and understood the meaning of these words and of course he knew about physical processes. But right at that exact moment, he couldn't see that this single glass of whiskey in front of him would change anything about that circumstance. One single glass of whiskey never hurt anybody. One more single glass or not, it didn't make any difference.

Except for the difference that it would make him feel a little better.

"I just got the impression that you might have gone deaf, Sir," Jarvis said, speaking in an extra loud voice.

For a moment, Tony almost felt like laughing, but somehow it was stuck in his throat.

He was still gazing at the amber liquid in his glass, smelling the tantalizing aroma of high-proof alcohol and feeling his taste buds already lurking in anticipation.

"I heard you, Jarvis," Tony murmured, continuing to stare at the liquid as if in a trance. "When is this lunch again?"

"1 p.m. in Los Angeles."

Just this glass. Just this one glass.

"Sir?" Jarvis asked.

Just one sip. One little sip.

"Sir?"

Tony set the glass down and stood up.

"Jarvis, does Happy know about the appointment? I'm going to take a shower and change, so he'd better be ready."

"Very well, Mr. Stark," Jarvis replied. "Excellent decision."

About ten minutes early, Tony got out of the car, whose back door Happy held open for him. He adjusted his suit briefly and spotted Pepper standing at the front door of the restaurant.

"Tony?" she exclaimed in surprise, glancing at her wristwatch. "So early?"

"I thought the appointment is right now?" Tony retorted, pacing toward her.

He felt wobbly on his feet and hot, even though the sun was hiding behind a thick layer of clouds today.

"Yeah, it is, but usually you're not..." Pepper said. "Doesn't matter, let's go inside, Ramirez should be here any minute, too."

Tony nodded and followed Pepper inside. A waiter immediately approached them and directed them to a circular table with three chairs. They sat down and Pepper began spreading out a pile of papers on the table. Tony nervously bobbed his foot under the table. He hoped all this wouldn't take too long. He wanted to get back home, where he could hide behind massive walls.

"I've already got everything ready. Shouldn't take long," Pepper said, as if she had read his mind.

She gave him a piercing look and her expression seemed to brighten instantly. Tony thought he knew why. There was no pale smell of alcohol in the air, no swaying way of walking to be noticed, no slurring of words to be heard. He was sober. Tony was almost ashamed that Pepper was so happy about it. He was going to disappoint her very soon. He couldn't help but think of that glass of whisky he had left there on the table. He couldn't wait to finally make up for it. He would get through the appointment here sober - for Pepper's sake. But he certainly wouldn't go without for the rest of the day. There was no way he could. Tony felt even more ashamed of his thoughts, but there was also a bit of defiance in them.

"Ah, there he is!" Pepper said, waving to someone behind Tony's back. Shortly, a tall, very smartly dressed man with black curly hair and an equally black full beard appeared in front of them. Tony rose and shook his hand.

"Pleased to meet you again, Mr. Stark," the man said. "It's good to have another chance to talk to you before the project gets started."

Tony nodded politely and pointed to the empty seat. Ramirez also greeted Pepper with a handshake, then sat down. Immediately, a waiter appeared next to them.

"Would you like to order something to drink already?" he asked with a slight bow.

"Two large bottles of water," Pepper said quickly, involuntarily giving Tony a look that he couldn't help feeling a little annoyance at.

"And a bottle of wine?" Ramirez asked them.

"No, thanks," Pepper said just as quickly.

Ramirez looked questioningly at Tony, who was already struggling with himself again. Was it really that hard to hold back a few hours? Tony felt excitement welling up inside him. He could just say yes to wine now and Pepper couldn't say anything. Not in front of the architect who was supposed to be co-managing the whole project.

"Um," Tony made, looking into Pepper's nervous face. "No, thanks. Maybe later."

Pepper smiled at him and sat back, relieved.

"Just one glass for me then, please. White wine," Ramirez said.

"I'll be right back," the waiter said.

Ramirez looked at them, beaming with joy, and clapped his hands. "I'm really excited about this project. The planning for the Stark Tower has already been a really great thing. I think the cooperation with the construction company will also go very well. I know the construction manager personally, I have worked with her on a major project before. She is excellent."

Tony nodded, sensing that a few sentences from him were required, but he didn't feel like it at all.

A light film of sweat formed on his forehead. Why was it so hot in here?

"I'm glad, too," Tony said, noticing that his voice sounded a little cracked. He cleared his throat before continuing. "Miss Potts has already told me how well the planning went. I took a close look at the plans last night and it is indeed excellent work."

"Thank you very much! Yes, if everything goes smoothly, we could already start with the foundation in two weeks," Ramirez said, beaming with delight.

He actually seemed quite sympathetic and competent; Tony couldn't really remember much of their last appointment as it was right before the charity event in New York. Tony met Pepper's gaze, and she quickly looked away. My God, it was so damn hot in here.

"Mr. Stark?"

"Yes?"

Ramirez pointed to the waiter, who had apparently already put the drinks down. He stood in front of them with a note, looking at him expectantly.

"What would you like to eat?" he asked politely.

"Oh," Tony made, noticing that the other two were just putting away their menus. "Uh, the same as... Miss Potts."

"A Caesar Salad?" Pepper asked skeptically.

Tony grumbled in agreement. He didn't really feel like eating at all. In fact, he felt rather nauseous. Tony reached for his glass of water and noticed that his hand was shaking a little. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Pepper giving him a suspicious look. He did his best to ignore it and turned his attention to Ramirez, who had again begun to talk quite enthusiastically about the plans. Tony listened with only half an ear. Something wasn't right. He felt shaky, nauseous, and so hot that he began to sweat. On top of that, a strange nervousness hit him hard.

"I could come to Stark Industries this afternoon if your lawyer was ready. Then we could finally sign the contracts and everything would be wrapped up," Ramirez said, putting his glass of white wine to his mouth.

Tony stared mesmerized at Ramirez, who took a sip, then licked his lips briefly with his tongue and put the glass back down. Tony shifted uneasily in his chair. He needed a glass of wine, too. And he needed it badly.

A few minutes later, the food arrived.

"Two Caesar Salad... and Ceviche for the gentleman..."

As the salad was placed in front of Tony, he struggled to suppress his gag reflex. The smell of food made his stomach rotate. There was no way he could eat anything now. He ran his shaking hand over his slightly sweaty forehead. Pepper looked at him questioningly. She seemed to have unpacked some kind of x-ray and was now piercing him with her beaming stare.

Get your shit together, he told himself, and picked up his fork. He picked up a few lettuce leaves and popped them into his mouth under Pepper's scrutinizing watch. Then he concentrated with all his might on not gagging as he began to chew carefully.

"Doesn't taste good?" Ramirez asked, who must have been watching him, too.

"Oh, yes. It is… very good," Tony replied, forcing a grin.

An ice-cold chill ran down his spine and his gaze slid as if automatically to Ramirez's white wine again. He caught himself imagining just grabbing the glass and downing the content before anyone could stop him.

"Tony?" Pepper asked softly, and he heard her worried undertone. She formed an 'Are you okay?' with her lips.

Tony nodded and tried to breathe calmly. For Pepper, he admonished himself. For Pepper. The conversation continued, but Tony could hardly join. He poked at his salad without eating anything and shifted nervously back and forth in his chair. How much longer could this go on? At least the others were finally finished with their food.

"Would you kindly reach me the water?" Ramirez asked Tony.

"Of course," Tony replied mechanically and in a voice he didn't recognize as his.

Tony reached for the water bottle. His hand was shaking rather badly; no one at the table could miss this. Ramirez accepted the bottle with both hands, as Tony was shaking so badly that the water inside it swayed back and forth so that it bubbled a little.

"Are you not feeling well, Mr. Stark?" Ramirez asked worried, eyeing him with raised up eyebrows.

Tony cleared his throat and sat up straighter. His limbs ached a little.

"Um..." he replied, swallowing with his mouth dry as dust. "…little stomach trouble, actually."

"Mhm," Ramirez made sympathetically. "Had that just last week, too, after a questionable portion of sushi. Kept me busy for three days. I hope this ceviche is of better quality."

"I'm sure it is," Pepper said with a smile. "We eat here often, and the food is always impeccable."

As Ramirez and Pepper lapsed into an intense conversation about fish dishes, Tony could barely keep it together. He was miserable. More than miserable. He felt totally sick now and was sweating even more. Trembling, he loosened his tie a bit. He needed a damn drink, for fuck's sake!

Pepper could barely concentrate on the conversation with Ramirez. She kept casting unobtrusive glances at Tony because he looked very pale and there was a light film of sweat on his forehead. Plus, the trembling of his hands and that restlessness...

"Anyway, I've had enough of sushi for the next time," Ramirez said with a sympathetic laugh.

"Excuse me for a moment," Tony said suddenly, rising.

Pepper watched him on his way to the men's room. It was as if she was solving a puzzle, but she was still missing the last piece.

"Very well, Miss Potts," Ramirez said. "I haven't heard much from Mr. Stark today, but if we're all in agreement... should we sign the contracts today?"

"I think we should wait for Mr. Starks's okay," Pepper said with a smile. "But I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say he's fine with all this and will agree."

"You seem to know him well," Ramirez said, looking up at the ceiling for a moment with a smile. "Tony Stark and his famous assistant Pepper Potts."

Pepper smiled mischievously. However, did she really know Tony that well?

At that moment, Tony returned just as pale and shaky as before. Awkwardly, he dropped into his seat and then hid his hands under the table. And suddenly something clicked in Pepper's mind. Horrified, she stared at Tony. How had she not noticed? How had she missed this?

"So?" Ramirez asked. "Let's get to the point now. Do we have a deal, Mr. Stark?"

Tony didn't look like being able to make any decision at all. He was struggling for composure, that was clear.

"Yes," he said anyway, forcing a smile that looked more like a grimace. "We have a deal. Congratulations on your next big project."

Ramirez stood up enthusiastically and extended his hand to Tony.

"Wonderful, Mr. Stark! Absolutely wonderful! I'm very pleased!"

Extremely reluctantly, Tony rose as well and seemed to wrestle with himself for a moment, then he shook hands with him, but very quickly released his grip.

"Well, then...," Ramirez said, turning to Pepper with a questioning look.

"I'll call our lawyer," Pepper said quickly. "Shall we meet at Stark Industries at five to sign everything?"

"I'd love to!"

Ramirez said goodbye to them, visibly elated, and then walked out of the restaurant with springy steps. At the same moment, Tony propped his head in his arm and seemed to take a deep breath.

"Tony..." Pepper began.

She was scared, actually quite scared. Tony did not answer. He covered his face with his hand.

"Tony," Pepper whispered urgently. "What's wrong?"

She peered briefly at the other tables, but no one seemed to be listening to them. The other guests were all engrossed in their own conversations.

"Tony!" Pepper hissed.

"Jah, I hear you," Tony said, taking his hand away.

Pepper was just starting to say something again when the waiter reappeared at their table.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"Bring me a bottle of your Château Lafite, please," Tony said and Pepper winced.

"No, Tony... you were going to..."

"Yes, I was going to," Tony retorted irritably. "But you know what? I can't!"

Her fear was joined by the old familiar anger she felt so often in his presence lately. She watched Tony again for a while, then couldn't take it anymore.

"Do you have withdrawal symptoms right now?" she asked straightforwardly.

Tony looked her straight in the eye, and now she felt sharply scrutinized.

"I guess so," he finally said.

Pepper felt her worst nightmare confirmed.

"But how...? I don't understand..."

"You mean how you didn't see it coming? You wonder how much I've had to drink with symptoms like this?"

He seemed to make no more secret of pretending or hiding anything. He looked bitter - and defeated. Like someone who had given up.

"I… didn't think…" Pepper breathed.

"You couldn't have stopped it. Don't blame yourself."

The waiter returned, placed the bottle on the table, and poured Tony a glass before leaving again.

"Don't," Pepper said pleadingly as Tony took the glass. But he downed it in one go.

"I'm sorry, Pepper...," Tony said wanly.

"Save it," Pepper said angrily. "You can't do that, Tony. Put that bottle away right now."

Tony had reached for the bottle for a refill. Pepper grabbed the bottle as well to stop him.

"Let go."

"No! I know you think you need this."

"I don't just think that. I need it."

"You need to stop while you still can! You need to stop before it's too late!"

"It is already too late."

The words hit Pepper with such force that she let go of the bottle. It was as if the words had sucked all the strength out of her arms. She watched as Tony refilled himself, already visibly more relaxed.

"Tony, please..."

Pepper's voice sounded pleading. Fear and anger alternated. She was so afraid for him. There he was, sitting in front of her. Tony Stark. Iron Man. With withdrawal symptoms. She felt sorry for him. Against her will, she felt pity. What terrible agony must be going on inside him. How badly must he have been feeling for months that he had let it come to this? Whatever he had experienced in Afghanistan, it had made him sick.

Then again, she felt such a rage inside her. Because, although it was completely clear that he did not drink so much out of boredom, he nevertheless accepted to hurt himself even more. And not only himself. Also her. It hurt her so much that he would rather confide in alcohol than in her. Or Rhodey. That he closed himself off from them so vehemently and persistently and constantly hid things from them. Pepper wasn't angry that he wouldn't talk to her about these bad things, she was angry that he didn't seek for help. If not from her and Rhodey, then at least professional help. He had actively chosen not to. And somehow that's what she couldn't forgive him right now.

Over time, she had developed the fantasy of a future with him. Secretly. Unintentionally. Being in a relationship with him. Being close to him. Touching him… But Tony told her today that this was not an option for him. That he had no interest in it. He would rather drink than fight to bring more control back into his life and work on getting better. How many times now had he made her understand that she shouldn't get involved, that he wouldn't talk to her? Countless times. Again and again, he had pushed her away.

"Put the glass down!" Pepper hissed once again in exasperation as Tony brought it to his lips.

"Leave me alone, Pepper."

Maybe it really was too late...

"You know what? I will!" Pepper shouted, jumping up. "Don't worry. From now on I'll leave you alone!"

And with those words she left him sitting there and stormed out of the restaurant, past an astonished Happy. With tears in her eyes, she made it to her car. She couldn't stand this a second longer.

Thanks for the last comment! If you like to share, what did you expect the story would head?

And yes, it's super dark. I didn't intend that in the beginning and I'm struggling a lot with these last chapters myself. To be honest I liked the Tony in the first 15 chapters more :D But on the other side, addiction changes who you are and it is just nothing else than a tragedy. But I promise there will be a turn!