Chapter 25
Pepper left the meeting very stressed. It felt like the twentieth one today. The work was too much for just one person. She had always supported Tony and had always been available with good ideas and suggestions, but at least he had made most of the decisions by himself. Now it was up to her to handle all the issues alone. And to find excuses for Mr. Stark not being around. Gradually, she was running out of ideas. She also wondered if it was right that she was relieving him of the responsibility he actually had to bear himself. In addition, she had wanted to quit after Tony had gotten so drunk again right after his release from the hospital. And then after this appointment with the architect... However, she had been hesitating. Her notice was fully written, addressed and ready to hand in. But Pepper merely changed the date from week to week and kept putting it off.
When she rarely came to Tony's home to get something signed, she was sure to give notice. She had never seen him sober again, and sometimes she didn't even recognize him anymore. He had changed. Besides, she found it hard to stand seeing him like this.
However, when she wasn't near him, thousands of good memories burst upon her and she couldn't - no, didn't want to - accept that this was all she had left of him. Memories. When she thought of him, she saw his big brown eyes with the long lashes, she saw the styled hair and the trademark beard. She could smell his light and beguiling aftershave and hear his voice and the snappy things he used to say. And then she softened up on him. She wanted that Tony back, and she couldn't let go of the hope that one day he would actually show up at her door, just as she remembered him.
Another reason she hadn't quit already was because she was afraid for Tony. Sometimes images would pop into her head of Tony lying on the floor bleeding, the reactor in his heart having failed again, or his liver having stopped working. Mainly, she drove to his house every few weeks to see if he was still alive.
Apart from that, Pepper had given up on trying to talk to him. She had asked him so many times what was wrong and all he had ever said was that she should back off and that he was fine. She was tired of that lie. She knew that Tony always had his problems, Howard Stark had made sure of that early enough, and it hadn't escaped her notice all these years that something inside him was broken. He had never been able to form a solid bond with anyone, he pushed people away or didn't even get in touch and there had been times when he drank more than usual. But then again, he had suddenly shown up in a good mood, as if he could just throw off the burden he had been carrying around.
Now he didn't seem to be able to do that, and God knows Pepper could understand it. He had been kidnapped and tortured, had had to realize that his own weapons had been used against him and not just him - innocent people as well. He had had to watch Obadiah betray him and die, and then also take the burden of Iron Man on his shoulders. She could understand that he was miserable, she could understand that he went to pieces, she could understand that these experiences had left deep scars in his soul.
But she couldn't understand why he wouldn't confide in her or Rhodey. That even in his darkest moments he wouldn't bite the bullet and admit that he needed help. This clinging to some strange idea of dignity and vanity made her angry and sad at the same time. So did the fact that he had preferred to get drunk rather than just say 'Pepper, I feel like shit.' Then they could have worked out together what possibly would help him…
Pepper sat in her office rummaging through papers without really looking at them. She was suffering herself. She hadn't wanted to admit it for a long time, but she was in love with this man. And now she had to give up on him. Because he had given up on himself.
It was already very late when Pepper finally locked the office and made her way to her car. She shivered a little; the evening had turned chilly. Then her cell phone rang, and she saw that it was Romanoff, whom she hadn't heard from in a while.
"Potts," she answered and got on the elevator.
"It's Romanoff," the agent's voice answered. "I need to talk to you for a minute about Stark."
Pepper sighed and pressed the button for the underground parking garage. "Listen, I don't want to talk about-"
"Stark has a massive drinking problem."
Ah... Pepper waited for more information, but it didn't come. It almost seemed as if Agent Romanoff herself wasn't quite clear on what the reason for her call was.
"Well. Yes." Pepper said after a brief silence.
"What do you know about it? When did it get this out of hand?"
Pepper didn't know what to say. She hesitated for a moment, thinking. "I guess it started after he came back from Afghanistan... And got worse when he announced he was Iron Man. Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize." The elevator opened again, and Pepper got out walking to her car.
"You need to talk to him, Potts."
Pepper snorted. "Talk to him? You think I haven't tried that? I'm done with talking."
"I was there yesterday. At Stark's," Romanoff said. "He didn't look well. Actually, Director Fury wanted him as a consultant on a job, but of course that's out of the question. We need him, though."
Pepper snorted again, this time angrily. "Oh, that's what this is all about. Of course, a mission. Very important in view of the fact that he's an alcoholic."
There was a long pause, during which Pepper searched in her coat pocket for the car keys.
"I didn't mean it that way," Romanoff finally said in a calm voice. "I'm worried."
"I'm worried, too, as you might can imagine. I've known Tony for half an eternity. But I can't help him, there's nothing I can do anymore. He won't let me."
"I know that. It's just... I'm... afraid for Tony. I'd like you to keep me in the loop, Potts."
"Oh, no no no. I -"
"Thank you."
Romanoff had hung up, and she left an exasperated Pepper behind. Pepper unlocked her car and got behind the wheel. She didn't want to keep Romanoff in the loop because she didn't want to know about it herself. But she also couldn't get the words out of her head. He didn't look well. What was that even supposed to mean? I'm afraid for Tony. Why was Romanoff afraid for Tony? What had gone on between the two of them?
Pepper slapped her hands on the steering wheel several times, then leaned her forehead against it and closed her eyes. No, no way she would get involved again! She would not inform Romanoff! It was enough. She had to cut Tony out of her life. He had made his decision. And she had made hers. She couldn't help him anymore.
Her cell phone rang again. This time the name Jarvis popped up on her display. Oh no...
"Miss Potts?"
"... Jarvis?"
"I'm sorry to bother you, but Mr. Stark is in the process of self-inflicting alcohol poisoning. He doesn't respond to any of my warnings. To be clear he doesn't respond to anything I say and now I'm on mute as well. I am not allowed to call an ambulance, so according to my calculations the best solution was to call you. Please come."
"Ah, fuck!" Tony shouted, his face contorted in pain. Blood immediately dripped from the cut on his palm between his thumb and index finger. He was sitting in his workshop and had been tinkering with an engine for the last few hours. Tony looked around for a rag to stop the bleeding. But his vision was badly blurred.
"Goddamn it!" he cursed again.
The pain was dull, yet throbbing. Tony closed his eyes for a moment, then sighed and glanced at the wound. It was a deep cut, but probably not that deep to be in need for stitches. Maybe it was a sign that it was time to call it a day. Tony stood up swaying hardly; he was completely hammered. Everything was blurry and spinning.
Some blood was dripping on the floor. Better to go upstairs, clean the wound, and then go to sleep. With unsteady steps, he dragged himself up the stairs, first bumping into the wall on the left side, then on the right side. He was more intoxicated than he had thought. There was a slight rumbling in his stomach. As he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, he enjoyed the indifference he felt. It took Tony forever to get to his bedroom. He tripped and fell several times, crawling up the stairs more than running them.
Once upstairs, Tony staggered into the bathroom and stumbled against the sink. He turned on the faucet and let ice cold water run over the cut. Tony had to hold onto the edge of the sink with his other hand to keep from falling over. His stomach seemed to be churning along inside him now, too, and he had to gag twice, but without anything coming up. After a short while, he tried to turn the faucet off again and found that he couldn't at first. He missed a few times, seeing double images, and more time passed before he managed to turn it off again.
Tony felt nauseous and dizzy. And a little self-loathing made its way through the indifference. He stumbled out of the bathroom and crashed face-first on the floor. No pain. With the last of his strength, he managed to roll over onto his back. The cut on his hand was still bleeding a little, he could feel it. Right next to him was his bed. Soft, inviting, comfortable. But Tony realized he wouldn't be able to pull himself together again. Did it make a difference if he slept on the floor somewhere or in a bed? No, rather not. It was okay. He just wanted to lie here and sleep.
When Pepper unlocked the door, she breathed in the familiar mild scent of Tony's house. Jarvis seemed extremely pleased to see her. He informed her that Tony was in the master bedroom and immediately turned on the lights for her that way. It made Pepper alarmed. So, she climbed the stairs, but at the same time she was annoyed with herself for giving in to Jarvis' request. At the top, she hesitated for a moment, but then opened the door to his bedroom. Because of the dim light, she couldn't locate Tony at first, but then unceremoniously spotted him on the floor.
"Oh my god. Jarvis... is he-?"
"Mr. Stark is asleep. He's heavily intoxicated, though, as I've already tried to tell you."
Pepper entered slowly and stopped at a short distance in front of Tony. So there he lay. Tony's mouth was wide open and his eyes were fluttering a little. There was an unpleasant alcoholic smell in the room. Tony had apparently hurt himself; his hand showed a cut and had left a few drops of blood on the floor, but the wound seemed to have closed in the meantime.
Pepper stared down at Tony with mixed feelings. Most of all she felt abandoned by Tony, with his drinking he had pushed her away. Maybe it was a good thing she had come here after all. This way she had been able to convince herself once again that she needed to keep her distance. She didn't want to and couldn't watch him destroy himself. That hurt her too much. She would have to accept that she could not continue to follow Tony down this path and that she had to protect herself. That meant she had to hand in the notice tomorrow. The sooner she began to detach herself from him, the less pain she might have to feel in the future. And the clearer the cut was for her. Pepper's eyes were burning. She was immensely sad but saw no other option.
"Jarvis... how bad is it? Does he need medical attention? Do I need to make a call?"
"I think he'll be fine that way, Miss Potts. I'm sorry to have asked you here. I didn't expect him to stop drinking anytime."
Pepper took one last look at Tony, then headed for the door. Tomorrow, she would bring the notice and explain to him why she had come to that conclusion. That's when she suddenly heard choking sounds. Pepper whirled around, startled. Tony's upper body rose and fell convulsively. He was retching noisily and there seemed to be fluid in his mouth.
Pepper understood immediately. She ran, dropped to her knees in front of Tony and turned him on his side. The next moment he threw up on the floor. Pepper made sure he didn't choke on vomit and that nothing stayed in his mouth. Tony didn't even wake up.
"Jarvis, you said he was just sleeping! You said he was going to be fine!" Pepper yelled, upset.
"My apologies, Miss Potts. My system can't accurately calculate nausea and vomiting," Jarvis said.
Pepper stared at Tony, who was now placed in stable lateral position, lying in front of her with his mouth slightly opened and his eyes still fluttering. She felt a mixture of disgust and pity. Then she got up, went to the bathroom and got a rag and bucket, wiped up the vomit and the small blood stain and knelt again beside him.
"Tony," she said aloud, shaking him gently. He did not move.
"Tony!" she shouted even louder and slapped him a few times.
Tony's eyes opened a crack, and he mumbled unintelligible sounds before his eyes closed again. But now Pepper knew he was at least still responding. She stroked his hair briefly. What if she hadn't been there?
Tony awoke with a pounding headache and a sinking feeling in his stomach. His back hurt, the ground beneath him felt hard. Straining, he opened his eyes. It was bright and he was lying sideways on the floor. He couldn't even remember how he had gotten there. Slowly he sat up. Then suddenly he looked into Pepper's face.
"Oh... hi." His voice was raspy and croaky.
Pepper looked tired. She sat wrapped in a light blanket in an armchair against the wall opposite. "How long have you been here?" he asked therefore.
"Since last night."
Pepper's voice sounded cool, her expression motionless.
Something had to have happened, he could feel it, but all Tony could remember was that he'd been in the workshop for hours yesterday, drinking a fair amount of whiskey.
"Did we... fight or something?" It sounded stupid.
Pepper shook her head. She waited until Tony had gotten up and sat on the bed.
"I came over here late last night because Jarvis called me," she began, "he said you were just about to give yourself alcohol poisoning. I found you here on the floor, passed out."
"Oh," Tony said. He didn't know what else to say in response.
"Tony, what are you doing here? What's wrong?" Again, that question.
"I don't know, nothing."
Apparently, he had said something wrong, because Pepper jumped up angrily and the blanket fell to the floor.
"You almost choked on your own vomit! If I hadn't been there to turn you on your side -"
Tony felt numb. The words didn't quite register with him, perhaps because he was so hungover.
"Aren't you going to say anything about it?!" Pepper seemed really pissed now.
However, Tony still didn't know what to say. Yes, he was addicted to alcohol. Yes, it was all very bad. Yes, he had taken it too far. None of this would soothe Pepper. None of it would help her in any way.
"I quit, Tony..."
It was three little words, but they cut into Tony's guts like sharp knives.
"I don't know what else to do. I can't take this anymore. I can't watch you doing this to yourself!"
Tony felt fear welling up inside him somewhere, but at the same time, it all seemed strangely distant.
"Why won't you talk to me?!" Pepper now shouted loudly.
Tony's mouth opened, but just no sound came out. He didn't want her to quit. Just tell her! Tell her not to leave!
Tony's mouth folded shut again and Pepper rolled her eyes. The moment was over, Tony could feel that. He fucked up. It was over. He had lost her. For good this time, apparently.
"Okay… so this is it," Pepper whispered sadly. "Then... goodbye, Tony."
She turned, almost fleeing, and hurried down the stairs. And that's when Tony suddenly felt fierce panic inside him.
"No, no, no..." he muttered and stood up.
Something had suddenly flipped a switch in him. Not Pepper. He couldn't lose her. He wouldn't survive that. He needed her. If she really left now, if she actually quit, if she left him behind... he wouldn't be able to take it. Panic flooded over him like a tsunami as he awkwardly tried to run after her.
"Pepper!" he called after her. "Pepper, please wait!"
They had had this situation before, and again Pepper didn't seem to stop. He saw her running fast down the hall and just reaching the front door. Tony ran after her but was already completely out of breath. And then panic fully laced his throat. Everything was spinning. The hangover mixed with panic and Tony stumbled. He braced himself against the wall with his left hand to keep from falling and stopped. His field of vision narrowed as the tsunami of panic engulfed him like a monster.
"Pepper..." he gasped, blind with fear, and he knew it sounded like a whimper. "Oh God..."
Tony clutched his chest because it felt like the arc reactor had stopped again. He couldn't take another step; he couldn't even feel his legs. Tony sank down the wall and realized he was going into hyperventilation. Black dots were swimming in front of his eyes because he was breathing too much and too fast. But he didn't have control over it anymore. Now he had lost Pepper. He had lost everything. Tears made their way out of his eyes, dripping onto the floor in front of him. He felt like he was about to die.
Then suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Tony looked up and saw Pepper kneeling beside him. She wasn't gone yet, she hadn't left! He tried to say her name but couldn't. Instead, hyperventilation went bad.
"Tony... calm down. Try to breathe easy. In and out, very slowly. Just like I do, look."
Pepper modeled for him how she breathed and because it was the only thing he could cling to right now, he tried to imitate her. After a short while, he succeeded, and his breathing became a little more even and slower. Silent tears were still streaming down Tony's face and finally a sob escaped his lips.
How had he let it come to this? He had ruined everything. For so long, he had only thought about himself and didn't realize how much he was hurting others. He also realized how much he needed this kind of self-destruction to protect himself from an unbearable emotional pain. But now it all came crashing down on him. The thoughts were racing. They circled around the death of his parents, his loneliness, the captivity, the betrayal of Obadiah, the numerous lives on his conscience...
"Pepper," he sobbed. "Help me... please help me..."
Pepper just looked at him for a moment, then pulled him close and took him in her arms. Tony was surprised for a moment, but then he felt the warmth of her body and he realized how he let his guard down. Could let his guard down. Because Pepper was there, holding him.