Chapter 32

Pepper looked into Tony's deep brown eyes and felt as if she could lose herself in them. When they awoke, they were still lying sideways in bed, faces turned towards each other, just looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Pepper could hardly believe what had happened. She hadn't expected it and she hadn't planned it. Especially not at this moment.

She had been attracted to this man for years, had got to know him all over again after his return from Afghanistan. There were so many more sides to him than just the rich, arrogant, smart playboy he had liked to portray before. She had fallen in love with him but had never allowed herself to act on her feelings. Because she thought it would be pointless. You don't go out with someone like Tony Stark. It felt to her like saying she'd gone out with Johnny Depp. And yet here she was, in bed with him. Pepper couldn't believe it. This was euphoria.

She watched as Tony smiled at her and reached for her. Pepper felt his warm hand against her back and shivered. Right now, at this very moment, she felt like a princess in a fairy tale who had found her Prince Charming. Tony Stark had told her that he loved her. What more did she want? Pepper reached out to him as well. She wanted to touch him, to be close to him, to melt into him.

But something in the back of her mind pricked her. It was so overloaded with feelings of infatuation that she could hardly grasp it. But she felt it was there. Was this Tony she was lying here with even the Tony she thought she loved? So fresh after his detox? Tony was still unstable, he hadn't even come back to life yet, he didn't even have a clue how to go on from here. Could this relationship even be an equal one?

"What are you thinking about?" Tony asked, grinning at her.

"You," Pepper replied honestly, but without elaborating.

Then she gave herself a jolt and pushed the unpleasant thoughts to the back of her mind, where she thought they belonged. Tony was over her again, trying to seduce her - and it was working.

"You're what?"

"Together."

"Together?"

"Together."

Rhodey stood in the living room with an incredulous expression on his face, staring at Pepper and Tony. Pepper noticed Rhodey's reticence immediately. Annoyed, she noticed that the prick in the back of her mind was becoming more noticeable. Tony didn't seem to notice - or at least he didn't show it, leaning casually against a wall and snapping his fingers. The fact that he looked like the old Tony when he did that reassured Pepper a little. Cocky and full of self-confidence.

"How did it come to this?" Rhodey asked, his gaze resting entirely on Tony.

"Don't you think congratulations would be more appropriate?" Tony replied, letting his bored gaze wander out the window over the sea. "I don't like your tone, young man."

Rhodey crossed his arms and the line between his eyes refused to go away.

"Of course I congratulate you," Rhodey said then. "It just comes as a surprise. I wonder why now?"

Tony didn't seem to have an answer to that either, as he just shrugged his shoulders in disinterest. Then he slowly walked over to Pepper and put his arm around her hips. The simple touch made her feel hot all over again.

"Is there a problem, Rhodey?" Tony asked, sounding even more bored on purpose.

"Not at all," he replied, his eyes now on Pepper. "I'm happy for you. Really."

Pepper could see that he meant it. Maybe it was just the surprise. Still, she couldn't ignore the fact that Rhodey was watching Tony in a certain way. As if he was trying to get inside Tony's head and see behind his facade, which Tony was undoubtedly doing a pretty good job of keeping shut at the moment.

"Something's bothering you," she said.

"No, nothing's bothering me," Rhodey said, smiling almost apologetically at Pepper. "I'm sorry if it came across that way. I think it's great. It's not like I didn't see it coming. The way you two acted when you were just in a room together. It's more that I wonder how long it took you to tell each other how you felt."

Pepper felt herself blushing.

"You're quite wonderful together," Rhodey added, then stammered a little. "It's just..."

"I don't believe this!" someone suddenly shouted from behind them.

All three of them whirled around. Happy had apparently entered the house unnoticed and was staring at Pepper and Tony with his eyes wide open. His eyes fell on Tony's hand around Pepper's waist. Then he rushed up to them and hugged them both left and right.

"Oh, you two idiots!" Happy exclaimed, unaccustomed to emotion. "I thought you'd wait until retirement age! Finally! How long it took you!"

"Happy, you're squeezing my jugular!" Tony complained.

"My God, it was embarrassing watching you two sneaking around, watching and sniffing at each other. Instead of stating the obvious!"

Happy let go of them and beamed at them. That was more like the reaction Pepper had hoped for. It felt so good to have someone so happy for her. She cast a sidelong glance at Tony, who was shuffling his feet in embarrassment.

"Looking good, boss," Happy then added with a grin. It was the first time Happy had caught sight of him since withdrawal - and Tony really did look significantly better.

"Thanks," Tony mumbled to his shoes and wrinkled his nose.

Rhodey and Happy stayed for dinner, and it was fun. Seeing Tony that relaxed and cool gave Pepper a comforting feeling. However, when Happy had already left and Tony went to the bathroom, Rhodey scowled at Pepper.

"So you do have a problem", Pepper concluded.

"Of course, I have", Rhodey said. "Pepper… what are you doing?"

Pepper sensed what Rhodey was driving at and something pricked her conscience again.

"Tony is not ready for this", Rhodey added.

"How do you know?" Pepper asked and got almost angry.

"Pepper… he is not. Tony has been through a lot. The last few months have been terrible. And he is not stable. What he needs now is structure, support... and therapy... but not a relationship out of nowhere!"

"It doesn't come out of nowhere! This -"

"I hope you know what you're doing. For Tony's sake. But also for your own sake. This isn't going to be a love, peace, and harmony-relationship in a pink bubble."

"I know that!"

"You don't seem like you do. I don't understand this. I mean, I get it this thing between you, but I don't understand why right now, why you're letting this happen. Allowing yourself to be drawn into it. Why don't you give Tony time to come to terms, to process, to get on track? This is not the right time."

"Why do you want to spoil this for me now?"

"Spoil it? I want you to be okay, I'm worried. You need to be careful, Pepper."

But at that moment, Tony returned to them and Rhodey went quiet. He didn't bring up again the subject of timing for the rest of the night, but Pepper became nervous and thoughtful even without Rhodey further elaborating this.

Tony and Pepper spent a few days exclusively at his estate. He didn't need anything else. Tony was on cloud nine. He couldn't say he'd ever felt anything so intense. He had never been the relationship type, avoiding intimacy and not getting involved in anything long-term. With Pepper, however, he clearly felt how much he had missed that closeness all these years. How much he had wanted to have someone by his side. Someone who loved him.

The days passed without him noticing. Every moment with Pepper was wonderful. And he had to admit that it was a pleasant distraction. When he was with Pepper, he didn't have to think about the terrible withdrawal, he didn't have to think about the bad memories of his captivity, and as long as she was next to him at night, he didn't have any nightmares. Tony simply enjoyed the feeling. He felt free - and in love.

"Shall we go out for dinner tonight?" Pepper asked one evening, just out of the shower and wearing only a towel.

"Sure," Tony replied, watching as Pepper dropped her towel and picked out a dress. "You can stay like that. Naked, I mean."

"Mmm," Pepper made a playful nod of approval, choosing a tight, dark blue dress.

"I mean it. You look even better naked than you do in that dress. Or other dresses... or any other clothes."

"You think all women look better naked, Tony."

"All of them?" Tony exclaimed, his face contorted. "For God's sake, Pepper, no!"

Pepper gave a short laugh, slipped into the dress, and then went back into the bathroom to blow-dry her hair. Tony couldn't help but grin. Conversations with Pepper were more fun than ever. Pepper returned a few minutes later, looking perfect.

"But you're going to take your clothes off again later tonight, aren't you?" Tony asked.

"Well, maybe," Pepper replied, blushing a little.

"Turn around."

"Why?"

"Surprise."

Tony watched Pepper turn around in her elegant dress. He slipped a necklace from his sleeve, walked over to her and placed it around her neck. As he fiddled with the clasp around her neck, Pepper touched the pendant with both hands.

"Oh my God, Tony!" she exclaimed, then walked over to a mirror. "This is way too expensive!"

"Too expensive... for who? My cleaning lady? Probably."

Pepper gave him a quick reprimanding look, but her enthusiasm came through immediately. The pendant was shiny, but otherwise rather plain, which Pepper usually liked.

"A humble diamond," Pepper joked, then turned to Tony and gave him a kiss. "Thank you. The necklace is beautiful."

"So are you."

Tony and Pepper drove to Los Angeles with the top down. Pepper was in the mood for Asian food, so they went to a fancy Japanese restaurant. The waitress handed them the menu while Pepper ordered water for both of them a little too quickly. It occurred to Tony that this was the first time he had ventured out in public again.

"Are you okay?" Pepper asked, probably referring to the look on his face.

"Yeah," Tony replied and opened the menu. "It's just... weird."

"You mean sitting in a restaurant - sober?" Pepper asked without mincing words.

Tony looked up a little startled, but Pepper smiled gently at him.

"We'll be fine," she said, giving his hand a quick squeeze.

Tony smiled back and then had a look at the menu again. Three minutes later, a bottle of water was in front of them.

"I'll have the Kobe steak," Tony told the waitress.

"And a shoyu ramen for me," Pepper said, grinning at Tony.

"What?" Tony asked.

"As usual, for you by far the most expensive item on the menu. As a matter of principle," Pepper explained her grin. "I'm just glad you're... yourself again."

Tony shrugged, realizing that he was feeling a little uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn't ready to be around people again. Already he wished he was back in bed, Pepper in his arms, just the two of them.

"What do you say we go somewhere together?" Tony asked, trying to take his mind off things. "We could take a little trip. Away from Malibu. Away from America. Just... away."

Pepper looked at him skeptically for a moment, but then her expression brightened. "What do you have in mind?" she asked.

"Venice?"

"You know, Tony..." Pepper began. "Why not? I have no idea what's good or bad for you right now. I don't even know where my head is. Maybe it's time to throw out my rigid principles and just fly away with you."

Tony had to grin again. He grinned all the time when he looked at Pepper. "So...yeah?"

"Um, yeah," Pepper replied, looking like she was wondering about herself.

Two waiters came to their table and served them their meals in sync. The Kobe beef was excellent, but Tony barely noticed. He drank his water and thought about how boring the drink tasted. And how little effect it had...

"Are you sure you're okay?" Pepper asked again, this time worried.

"Yeah. I... It's just... I suddenly realize that life goes on. The last few days have been like being in another world. First that terrible withdrawal - and then our kiss and everything that followed. It's strange to sit here with all these other people and all the lives they live. It makes me realize that my life will go on, too. It has to go on."

"Take your time, Tony. Do everything at your own pace. I can take care of the company for a while longer."

"It's not just the company. It's everything. How I spend my day. What I fill my time with. And I'm still Iron Man."

For the first time since the kiss, Tony felt fear rising in him. He found himself almost panicking at the thought of having to make a decision or take care of something.

"I have no direction right now. When I was drinking, I knew what I was doing. Drinking - with the goal of getting drunk. But now? Of course it feels good to be with you. Finally. But... something's wrong, Pepper."

"Of course something's wrong," Pepper said softly. "You need time to adjust to the new situation. You stopped drinking overnight. Of course something's wrong."

"I know... But I can't even describe how wrong something is."

Pepper nodded and looked at him sympathetically. Tony felt a great deal of inner turmoil, which unnerved him.

"I have all these obligations. Sure, I could give up Stark Industries, I have enough money to get by without the company. But even then, I'm still Iron Man and I don't even know if I want that. And the Ten Rings..."

Tony interrupted himself. The Ten Rings. Oh God, there it was again. The terrible fear of just saying the name. For a moment, Tony saw himself in the dark cave before he quickly extricated himself from the image. Tony tried to breathe deeply. Pepper, think about Pepper. Think about how good it is to be with her. You're finally with her, everything is good, life is good.

"Hey… Tony..." Pepper said quietly and took his hand again. "One step at a time. We'll take it together - and slowly. You have to be patient with yourself."

Tony nodded, and a moment later found himself looking at the next table for a glass of wine. He pictured himself downing that glass - and then another, and another. Until the numbing sensation overshadowed everything else. Make the fear disappear - bring on the high! Tony knew exactly what that would feel like. He hadn't forgotten the feeling of being intoxicated. He almost got a little excited imagining the first sips and the feeling of getting tipsy. And then Tony was shocked at himself and even flinched.

"I've got to get out of here," Tony whispered in panic before he awkwardly stood up and rushed outside.

Running didn't help. Obviously it didn't. The panic was inside him, not in this restaurant. At least out here he wasn't afraid of losing control and grabbing the neighbor's wine glass. Tony stood outside, panting, and realized how hard this was going to be. Staying sober was going to be the fight of his life.

"Tony?" Pepper came out too and stood right in front of him.

"I wanted a drink," Tony said, "just now. I wanted to get drunk. I honestly still do."

Pepper said nothing but put her hands around his neck and hugged his head. "I know. I'm afraid you will for quite a while. But you don't act on it, that's what matters. It is in your hands."

Tony nodded, even though it didn't feel that way.

"You're not alone anymore, Tony," Pepper said, stroking the back of his head as she planted a kiss on his forehead.

Tony clung to Pepper. At least as much as he could - he had not learned to hold on to anyone yet. But it helped a little. Pepper was such a strong woman, she could support him, she could take it.

"Let's go home, Tony. I've already paid."

"But you weren't even finished."

"It doesn't matter. We can have something delivered."

"But you wanted to go out to eat."

"It's okay, Tony. Really. It's fine."

"It's not."

Tony was ashamed. He had ruined everything. That's what I always do, he thought bitterly. I just can't do anything right.

"It's okay, Tony," Pepper said again, determined.

Tony nodded. But it wasn't.