Chapter 33

The next few weeks flew by. It had now been three months since Tony had gone through withdrawal. He and Pepper spent most of their time together. Pepper made sure Tony had enough distractions. She made sure he went with her to Stark Industries to work from there. She took him on her jogs and cooked for him to help him gain more weight and eat healthy. She kept Tony moving, which was certainly good for him.

But Tony was also overwhelmed. He still didn't know where his head was at. He still didn't have an idea about where to go from here. It was strange after these months of heavy alcoholism not to drink anything at all. Tony was confronted with so many emotions and smallest inner stirrings every day - in contrast to the constant numbing by alcohol before. But Tony tried to accept it. It would just take time. He had had a life before alcoholism. He would find his way back to it. Moreover, he had Pepper. This wonderful woman by his side. As Pepper had said, he would just need time.

But time passed. Week after week passed. Weeks full of deep love and passion. But also full of anxiety and panic, these two companions had quietly moved back in with him, and the lease seemed to be non-cancelable. Tony couldn't shake off the feeling that something was going wrong.

"Tony, now don't dawdle."

Pepper stuck her head into the bedroom and looked at him impatiently. Tony, still in bed, sighed deeply. "I'm working from home today."

"Oh, you most certainly will not."

"Yes, I will."

"No way."

Tony didn't move an inch.

"Get up, Tony."

"Yeah, all right."

Tony sighed again. The effort it took him to get out of bed in the morning was indescribable. Pepper had come for the third time now - like a mother making his son get out of bed and go to school. He was nauseous and nervous. He didn't want to work. He didn't want to do anything.

Tony heaved himself out of bed anyway, skipped shower, and just threw on a shirt. Then he strolled listlessly into the kitchen, where Pepper sat with a nearly empty cup of coffee, reading messages on her tablet.

"Finally," Pepper grumbled and thrust a full coffee mug into his hand. "Here, for you. We're late, as usual."

"Late for what?"

"Meeting with -"

"Ok, ok. I don't care. Let's just go."

Pepper gave him a reproachful look, packed up her tablet, and strode out of the kitchen. Tony scowled and followed. No one spoke a word for the rest of the drive.

Arriving at Stark Industries, Tony's nausea increased. None of this felt right. He didn't bother to greet any of the employees as they climbed the stairs toward the office. As they turned around the corner, Tony bumped into someone. The last drops of his coffee spilled all over his light blue shirt, immediately leaving an ugly brown stain.

"What the hell!" Tony yelled, immediately angry.

"What the hell what?" the other man replied, also irritated.

"You spilled my coffee!" Tony said sullenly, shaking his wet hand down with a jerk.

"You ran into me!"

"I don't give a shit about who ran into who! This company is mine and it's played by my rules, so how about an apology?"

"Oh, well then, sorry. Send me the dry cleaning bill if you need it so bad. Typical Stark..."

Before Tony could respond, Pepper grabbed him by the sleeve and simply pulled him along.

"What are you doing?" Tony asked annoyed.

"I could ask you the same thing," Pepper replied, frowning as she continued to pull Tony along. "Why are you so upset about a silly coffee stain? You have shirts to change in the office."

"That guy could show some respect," Tony fussed further, then added, "Well, it's true," at Pepper's eye roll.

"This 'guy' is from the Board. I think he already has respect. Calm down."

Calming down worked quicker than expected. Tony's anger faded as quickly as it had come, leaving at best a scowling indifference. The two entered the office and Tony sat down at his desk. He felt unable to do anything at all. Neither to turn on the computer nor to look at the documents laid out ready. Even the appointment calendar was not worth a look. Pepper, on the other hand, was busily muddling back and forth at her desk. Tony stared out the window. He felt empty and tired. Not even physically. But a leaden heaviness was lying on him.

"Pepper, I -"

"Are you finally coming? We really need to hurry."

Tony hesitated and didn't move from his chair.

"Tony?" Pepper asked, already in the doorway.

"No."

Pepper paused in her movement, puzzled, and stared at him.

"Um. I'm doing stuff here. You go - uh - without me. Ok?"

Pepper was immediately suspicious. Tony hated that look by now. He always felt like he was letting Pepper down, like he had done something wrong again, or was making her worry.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing, Pepper. Everything's okay. I, um..."

Tony gave himself an inward jolt. Not any excuses again. Be honest with her. "I'm feeling down. Like extremely down..."

Pepper immediately put on a worried expression and came back into the room.

"What's wrong?" she asked again.

"I don't know," Tony answered sincerely. "I just feel bad. Can you please do the meeting without me?"

Pepper hesitated for a moment, but then nodded. "Okay. Will you wait here for me, please? I want to talk to you about this."

"Will do," Tony replied, staring out the window again, thinking about what it would be like to have a drink right now.

Pepper almost couldn't concentrate during the meeting. Fortunately, it wasn't even necessary. After all, Tony had brought up a few ideas months ago about wind energy technologies that would now go into production next month. There were no complaints; everything seemed to be going perfectly. In addition, Tony had released his arc reactor technology for sale in a modified form. Los Angeles would henceforth be the first city to be completely powered by his technology in a pilot project. The press reported this news comparatively enthusiastically, which certainly relieved Pepper.

She only wished that Tony was doing better. Of course, she had witnessed his inner struggles over the past few weeks. She hadn't missed his social withdrawal when confronted with even a hint of emotion, nor had she missed his glances when they sat in a restaurant - at neighboring tables where alcohol was being consumed. Pepper was aware that she was probably constricting Tony somewhat with her constant presence and the strict schedules and tasks she overwhelmed him with. Nevertheless, she also felt that this option was better than letting him sit around alone at home. Tony had no aftercare from rehab. He had no Alcoholics Anonymous group to go to once or twice a week. He had no psychiatrist or psychotherapist with whom he could talk through his feelings and through whom he might be more stabilized.

Moreover, the initial euphoria about their relationship had actually worn off a little faster than she would have liked. It was still wonderful and there was no doubt that this was the relationship they both wanted to have and that they were made for each other. Pepper also no longer wondered if the timing might have been bad. Now it just was what it was. Of course, she would have liked the beginning of their relationship to be different, but she didn't mind that it was now more difficult than she had thought. A future with him was now only possible under certain conditions and difficulties. In every relationship, there were things to adjust to, each part brought its own history and its own burdens into it. Relationship always meant work.

"Miss Potts?"

"Huh?" Pepper flinched a little. Being so inattentive made her very uncomfortable.

"The production start date is set, Miss Potts?"

"Yes. Everything is going as planned. We're ready to go."

"Good, and who's talking to the industrial consumer? Mr. Stark?"

"Um. Yes."

"Where is he, anyway? Wasn't he supposed to be with us today?"

"Mr. Stark got an unforeseen important appointment in. I'll fill him in later."

"Okay, well. We have no further questions then from the production side. Is there anything else to discuss?"

"We from marketing have a few more questions..."

Pepper tried to concentrate more again, but she could feel her inner turmoil growing. When the meeting was finally over, Pepper hurried straight back to the office. She was desperate to know why Tony was feeling so bad. Had it been a panic attack? Or a flashback?

However, when Pepper returned to the office, Tony wasn't there. Worried, she sat down at her desk and jotted down some data from the meeting. But when Tony wasn't back in the office even after a quarter of an hour later, she gave up imagining that he had just gone to get a coffee. She dialed his number and held the phone to her ear with slightly shaking hands. It rang a few times before going to voicemail. Pepper did her best to remain calm. She couldn't, though. After a few minutes, she tried again to no avail. Then images popped into her head of Tony sitting in some bar getting drunk or a Tony falling asleep with a bottle of whiskey in his arms on the balcony. She hated herself a little for these thoughts, because actually she wanted to trust Tony. Still, she couldn't get rid of the images. Pepper couldn't take it anymore, she packed up her things and left Stark Industries.

Tony stood downstairs in the workshop, staring at his Iron Man armor. He didn't feel the slightest desire to put it back on, to fly off and take care of the problems of this world. Nor did he see any point in designing a new suit of armor. Why not? Tony didn't understand how this thing had become so unimportant to him. Iron Man had been his new life. He had just been about to devote absolutely everything to this task.

However, Tony found that other things didn't interest him either. Things got going again at Stark Industries, shouldn't that make him happy? And he was finally with Pepper, shouldn't that be a thousand times enough for a nice, fulfilled life?

Tony didn't understand himself. He didn't understand why he wouldn't care - why he couldn't care. Why he felt almost nothing anymore. The only outliers seemed to be the panic attacks and flashbacks. Those were the only moments when he felt anything. Which was anything but pleasant.

"Sir, Miss Potts is just passing the estate gates," Jarvis informed him.

Tony didn't move. Pepper would probably be pissed that he hadn't waited in the office. He hadn't taken her calls either. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to. Rather, he hadn't felt able to answer that crappy phone and talk to anyone. Of course, now she had been worried and had driven over. Damn it, Tony, you idiot, can you ever do anything right?

"May I let Miss Potts know you're down here, Sir?" Jarvis asked.

Tony hummed in agreement. A few moments later, Pepper came down the stairs, a haggard look on her face.

"Before you say anything, I'm sorry," Tony said quickly, finally averting his gaze from the armor.

"Why did you just leave like that?" Pepper asked, and it was clear she was trying to hide her annoyance.

"Sorry, I couldn't stand to stay in the office anymore."

"You could have at least left a message... or answer the phone."

"Yes, I should have. I wasn't thinking."

Now Pepper did look angry at him.

"I was worried," she said then. "You told me you were feeling bad and then you disappeared. I pictured you going to the nearest bar and getting drunk."

"I did in fact think about that," Tony admitted, watching the startled look on Pepper's face. "But as you can see, I went home instead and didn't drink."

"Geez, Tony! What are you doing?!"

"I don't know... Something feels bad. I don't know what it is. The feeling is intangible, I can't even name it. And I can't stand it."

"And that's why you want to drink again? That's your solution?"

"Yes... No! I don't know what else to do. I mean, I already know. Not drink. Talk about it instead of running away. Keep myself busy with other things... But none of that helps that much." Pause. "It doesn't help at all."

Pepper looked at him sadly - and as if she didn't know what to say to that either. "Maybe you should talk to someone about it," she finally said.

"I do talk now."

"Not with me. With someone who knows how to deal with it."

"You mean I should talk to a shrink."

"I don't know why you're being so disparaging about this. Shrink, oh please. They are professionals who can form a qualified impression of your situation and then help you. You have post-traumatic stress disorder, you've been running around with these panic attacks for months, you're probably depressed and seem burdened all the time. And don't think I wouldn't notice that you're sleeping worse again. After two or three hours in bed you get up again and go somewhere. Every time I resist the temptation to see if you're just sitting on the balcony, taking a walk outside - or if you're secretly drinking a bottle of booze. It's stressful for me, too, Tony. So would you please get some help? I can't watch you all the time. I don't want to, by the way. It's not a relationship where we are both equal anymore. I don't want to control you or force you to do anything. But I'm afraid if I don't, you slip. If you don't want to go to Stark Industries, then please stay here. But I want to make sure that you're okay here, and I don't want to be constantly worried that you're going to fall off the wagon or do something to yourself."

Tony felt a little blindsided by Pepper's speech. He didn't miss that Pepper was having just as much trouble dealing with this situation. But that she could be so stressed, that she was so afraid…

"Do something to myself?" he asked in wonder, some anger mixed into his voice. "Do you think I'm going to slit my wrists at any moment or what...?"

"No… But is the idea really that far-fetched?" Pepper asked quietly.

Tony stared angrily at Pepper.

"That's a serious question, Tony. Because I'd love to hear you say it's far-fetched. And what about the alcohol? You're standing here, cool as a cucumber, just slamming me in the face you almost got drunk! Even though you promised to wait for me in the office! Are you trying to provoke me or do you actually not realize how much you're scaring me with that?"

Tony opened his mouth to say something. He wanted to contradict. Of course, he didn't want to provoke her. He just wasn't good at these emotional things.

"See..." Pepper said, closing her eyes as if this conversation was causing her physical pain. "I trust you not to do all that. But you're impulsive. And that, in turn, scares me. I've been through this withdrawal with you. But I can't do it again. I mean it. I can't go through it again. If you relapse, our relationship is at stake. So please take yourself seriously and do something about this urge to get drunk with every little thing!"

"Oh great, it's just little things, right?" Tony exclaimed, now upset in his turn. "Wow, thanks, Pepper."

"I didn't mean that, sorry..."

"Maybe you did! Not so sure you can take that sick alcoholic anymore, are you?"

"Tony..."

"What?!"

"Tony, it has to be clear that it's going to stay that way. You can't allow yourself to relapse. It can't be an option to drink alcohol as soon as you feel any emotion. There have to be other ways."

"It all seems super easy for you!"

"No, it's not!"

"Why are you putting so much pressure on me? It's hard enough as it is! Now you're also putting a gun to my head and telling me every little mistake will be paid for with our breakup!"

"Tony, I just can't do this! That's where I'm reaching my limits! I don't want to put pressure on you, I don't want to push you. I don't want to force you to do anything either. I'm still here for you. And I like to be with you, I really enjoy every second with you. Everything is okay between us. Really, everything is fine. But please think about finding someone who can help you. Because it would help both of us. I'm not doing well either. This problem is not going to solve itself."

Tony swallowed hard. He couldn't imagine doing that. He didn't want these images and feelings in the first place. He wanted them to go away. He didn't want to give them any more space by talking about it on a regular basis.

"Just think about it, Tony. That's all I want."

Tony felt himself being overcome with fierce anger. "No, it's not all you want! You just admitted that you try to control me all the time. It sucks, Pepper! You are sneaking around me, watching what I eat, how many steps I take in a day, what I do when I stay in the bathroom even a minute longer than usual. If I leave the office without telling you where I'm going, you'll come running after me!"

"Oh, ok! You want me to stop doing that? You want me to stop running after you? You want me to stop worrying and caring about you? I can stop right now!"

"Yeah, if you'd be so fucking kind and just leave me alone for five minutes!"

"I'd be happy to leave you alone for more than five minutes!" Pepper shouted, upset. "I'm going!"

And with those words, Pepper stalked upstairs and pretty sure home.

"Fucking hell!" Tony yelled, grabbing a hammer next to him on the table and angrily hurling it across the workshop.

Another exclamation of frustration got lost in the clang. Oh wonderful, that had gone really well. Great job, Tony, he thought grimly. You're really good at relationships.

Tony felt he couldn't handle this argument. What was he supposed to do now? Why was Pepper pushing him like this? He couldn't handle this pressure. Oh, he was so angry. But he also felt panic. How was he supposed to deal with all these emotions? How was his life going to go on? How was he going to cope for the rest of his life in this constant struggle to stay away from alcohol. How was he going to keep this up?

He needed to make a decision - or did he need a drink?

Tony slammed his fists down on his desk.

What now?

I know it took me a long time to upload this new chapter, but I went through some big changes this year and needed time to process them - and probably still will. Also, I don't want to write unenthusiastically just to get everything done, but also feel the story I'm writing because it's close to my heart. And that doesn't work so well at the moment.

Apart from that - some of you know that there is a German version of the fanfic. But I realized that I'm not satisfied with the ending and I thought about an alternative. But that means that I have to rewrite all the next chapters and not just translate and edit them. That will simply take longer as well.
For me personally, it's often hard to get back into a story after a long time of not reading it. That's why I hope for patience and that you'll still check back from time to time, and of course I'm happy about more reviews. Thanks!