Trudging down a bustling suburban street in Japan was one NEET, Satou Kazuma. Painfully plain would be an apt description for the teen. Five and a half feet tall, slim but not fit, messy brown hair, and looking particularly miserable. The reason being that after successfully being a NEET for a few years, his parents had finally had enough and forced him to go to school today. He had no intentions of continuing to do it for any longer than the bare minimum, but it was that or getting kicked out of his house.
Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Kazuma adjusted the strap of his backpack, unused to its weight after years of not using one. "This sucks. Over two blocks away from school and I'm already surrounded by a bunch of normies," he grumbled to himself, continuing forward.
There was the patter of rapid footsteps, and Kazuma cringed, ready for the mocking or worse to begin. He felt a blow on his shoulder and determined to turn around and go-
"Hey! Sato! It's good to see you again! It's been what, a few months? How have you been!"
Kazuma turned to see the only person who he ever considered to be a bigger loser than himself smiling at him: Kenichi Shirahama. The kid was totally forgettable, with not a single distinguishing feature about him. Clutched in one hand was a book entitled "Friendship 101: How to Make Your First Buddy!" Kenichi was smiling awkwardly, and repeatedly patting Kazuma on the back. Probably because his stupid book told him to do so.
"Hmph." Kazuma grunted, and turned around, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking forward.
"I guess you don't remember me, but I'm-"
"Kenichi Shirihama, we've been in the same class since the beginning of middle school," Kazuma said without looking at Kenichi.
"Yeah, that's right! New school year and all, first day of high school, you know? Well, I'm turning over a new leaf, and I can see you are too, we could hang out, you like manga and video games too, right? We could-"
Kazuma allowed his eyes to wander, smiling lightly as he tuned out Kenichi. His mind drifted to the one benefit to going to school; girls in uniforms. That thought was quickly squashed as he remembered exactly why he became a NEET in the first place. Hopefully she had moved away since he stopped coming to school.
Kazuma would have been content to stay zoned out, Kenich babbling in his ear, but a sight caught his attention rather abruptly, shutting down his higher brain functions. Long, long legs in tight that were perfectly defined that lead up to a skirt that was barely keeping her decent, a trim waist, large glasses perfect for that ideal 'moe gap' look, and long blond hair.
"Woah, check her out, she's really cute! Think she'll be in our class?" Kenich asked hopefully.
"Yeah," Kazuma managed, but his mind was hyper focused on the smoke show, not realizing the crosswalk's light had turned red. Nor did he notice the truck coming barraling at him.
"Kazuma, lookout!" For the rest of his life, Kazuma wouldn't be sure what had possessed Kenichi, or what he was thinking. The next thing Kazuma knew, Kenichi was dashing out after him. Kenichi leaned forward, shoving Kazuma as hard as he could before falling flat onto the asphalt. Kazuma didn't even have time to turn around before the truck barreled right through where he had been.
It's raining, again, Kazuma thought to himself, looking out the window at the back of the classroom.
He glanced up to see Miu Fūrinji, and her perfect pair of boobs, walk by his desk, and grinned to himself.
"She's out of your league, bud. Look at her: Max stats in every category! Especially bust size. Whereas you, well, the jury is still out on how big Lil' Kazuma is, but there's no way that-"
"GIVE ME THAT!" Kazuma snarled, turning and trying to swipe the PDA away from his newest tormentor/friend.
"I'm just saying, she's out of your league pal. As your closest and only friend, it's my duty to inform you of these things," Haruo Nijiima said, sticking out his long, forked tongue at Kazuma.
"You're a bastard, you know?" Kazuma grumbled, turning around and keeping his eyes on Miu.
A month had passed since the 'incident' and most of the students had seemingly just moved on after Kenichi's death. It hadn't been quite so easy for Kazuma, since he still felt a touch responsible. Niijima, to everyone's surprise, had been the only one to take the news even remotely hard. Maybe the weird alien really had considered the guy his friend. Niijima had even gotten mad at Kazuma, at first, blaming him too. That quickly stopped when the alien realized that Kazuma blamed himself even more than Niijima did. After that, they slowly started to become friends, finding a fellow devious spirit when they weren't grieving.
Looking away from the window, Kazuma tried to focus on class again, finding it as hard as always. He'd decided that, since somebody died to get him to school, he'd try and do his best going forward. That turned out to be harder than he'd expected, having mostly self taught himself for years combined with his mind wandering all the time. It really didn't help that his seat had him back and to the side of the very girl he had been staring at when everything had gone to hell.
"I'm just saying. She has the best grades, she's athletic to an obscene degree, and my information gathering during her gym class leads me to believe that she trounces even Chihiro Takashima, who was my previous candidate for Hottie of the Year," Nijiima continued, sliding into his desk behind Kazuma's. "Her only mark against her is she's just as much of a friendless loser as you are."
"If I'm a friendless loser, then what are you, you alien looking weirdo," Kazuma grumbled, but he had to agree with Nijiima's assessment. He hadn't know that last bit though…
Kazuma wasn't sure why, but that struck a chord with him. He didn't want to, but he couldn't help but recall how he'd been ignoring Kenichi. Yes, he'd heard him, but he hadn't wanted to be there or engage, so he'd tried to ignore him. The thought of reaching out to somebody to be friends was equal parts bizarre and terrifying to him. The thought of Kenichi and the weight of a certain book on how to make friends resting in his bag was enough to steal his resolve instead of backing down. The fact that it would prove Niijima wrong wasn't a bad side benefit either.
Kazuma zoned back in, hearing Niijima ranting, "I am no mere friendless loser, unlike your mortal self. I am a neophyte Demon King and you should count yourself lucky to be among the few I consider a compatriot as opposed to a future subject."
"You're still going on about being a Demon King? Come on dude, even I left my chuuni days behind. Let it go" Kazuma teased, resting his head on his hand as he waited for the inevitable explosion.
"I am not a thrice damned chuuni! How else would you explain my forked tongue, my antenna, or green blood?" Niijima challenged, glaring daggers at Kazuma.
"Genetic defect?" came Kazuma's lazy response. The two lapsed into silence for a moment then cackled loudly before being hushed by the teacher.
Once class was done, Kazuma did his best to pack up hastily. Furinji was notorious for being hard to pin down, which was a large part of why she didn't have any friends. Today though, Kazuma was determined. Before the rest of the class had a chance to evacuate the room, he slid over to Furinji, smiling as best he could. He wasn't sure, but he hoped it was at least more natural than Kenichi's had been.
"Hey, Miss Furinji, your academics are pretty good, right? Think you'd be able to give me a hand? I've been having an issue focusing and I could really use a hand." Asking for small favors; an easy way to make people invested in yourself. It was a mildly manipulative technique in the art of making friends, but it also seemed natural.
"Hmm? Oh, Kazuma, right?" She asked, smiling up at him from her seat, having just put her last book away. "What are you having an issue with?"
Kazuma blinked slightly at her familiarity, but he played it cool. "Mostly literature and history. I know there is supposed to be meaning and stuff in stories, but I always seem to miss it. History is a bit more of an issue because it's basically memorization and I've just had an issue focusing lately, ya know?" He asked, glad she hadn't just shot him down.
"Oh, is that all? Sure! I don't have gymnastics today, so if you're not too busy, we can go to my house and try to knock it out today, if you'd like?" She offered, standing up and shouldering her bag with a massive smile on her face.
Going to her house already!? Well, this was going better than expected! "Oh, sure! I never joined a club, so I'm free too."
"Perfect! Come on" she motioned for him to follow, smiling and happily humming to herself. After all, she'd never had a friend over before.
They stop a moment to switch their slippers out for shoes before they're on their way. A few blocks into the walk, Kazuma broke the silence. "So, Furinji-"
"Miu! Please, call me Miu. After all, my grandpa is Furinji too, so if you call me that, how will I know if you're talking to me or him?" She asked, walking backwards to talk to him, easily keeping her pace. What she wasn't saying was that she just wanted somebody to be her friend, and friends used first names.
"Alright, Miu then. How far away do you live anyway? I don't think you said."
"Oh! Just across town. It's a bit of a walk, but it's a great way to wake up in the morning! Sometimes I even jog," she explained.
"Oh, that sounds nice. Why not take the bus if you're that far away?" Kazuma asked, curious as to how early she must leave in the morning.
"Eh, I'm not a big fan of buses. I always feel restless sitting still in them and they're so slow. What about you Kazuma? Where do you live?"
"We actually passed by my street not too long ago. About five blocks back and a few streets over." He pointed in the general direction of his house to drive the point home.
"Oh, that's a short walk, it must be nice if you sleep in."
Kazuma smiled, nodding himself. He wasn't normally a 'smiler,' it was too much of a normie thing even for his reformed way, but Miu's joy was infectious. "So, Miu, I wanted to ask you, and don't take this the wrong way, but how come you haven't made many friends yet at school?"
Miu glanced to the side, suddenly embarrassed. "Well, I suppose because I moved around a lot before high school and never really learned how to make friends? Like, all of you have known each other since elementary school or longer, and I'm just the new girl, right?"
Kazuma almost choked, laughing at how ridiculous that sounded. "Miu, you're kidding, right? You know the only reason people don't approach you is because you're almost too perfect, right? Like, the only person even comparable to you would be Tanimoto, and even then you're a lot cuter than he is." Kazuma froze at the last sentence, realizing how that might get taken.
"Really? So, am I really that intimidating?" she asked, frustrated at herself. Miu was always a bit of a perfectionist. Unsurprising with her upbringing, but she hadn't thought of how hard it made approaching her.
Kazuma gave her a deadpan expression before putting his hand over his face. He'd come this far already after all. "Miu, you're officially the hottest girl in our school. That isn't even me talking, that's Niijima and his insane intelligence network. According to that slimeball, you're in the top five academically and your athletic achievements are already the stuff of legends. Not to mention you've only been in the school for a month. Talking to you might as well be going up to a movie star."
"Oh no! No, no, no. Kazuma, how do I fix it? I don't want to intimidate people, I want to make friends! That's the only reason I even begged grandpa to let me go to school!" she begged, grabbing his shirt and leaning forward.
"Uh, well, showing you have flaws could help? Like, think of yourself like a celebrity!" He exclaimed, a proverbial lightbulb going off over his head.
Miu was confused, again, at this idea. "A celebrity? How would that help? Aren't they usually snooty and stuff?"
"Exactly! That's how you think of them, but what would make you comfortable around them?" He waited a moment, letting her think about it before answering for her. "By seeing them acting like you do. So, let people see you stumble, don't always excel, feel free to start a conversation for no reason other than you want to."
Miu nodded excitedly, her eyes glinting at this new master plan. "It makes perfect sense! It's like how people are normally nervous around my grandpa, but I see him as just that, Grandpa."
Then it was Kazuma's turn to be confused, wondering what that meant. "Oh, is your grandpa famous?"
"Well, in certain- Oh! We're here!" Miu exclaimed, turning around and motioning towards the walls and gate of an ancient and intimidating dojo. The gates alone were taller than most houses in the neighborhood, made of old, solid wood affixed on stone walls thicker than he was tall.
"Holy shit! This place is freaking huge." Looking at the massive doors, he couldn't imagine anyone moving it without some form of machinery. "So, how do we get-"
As he was asking the question, Miu answered by showing. The young woman reached the gate, grabbing it and pulling, opening the gate enough that the two of them would have an issue going in. It hadn't even looked hard for her to do. "What was that Kazuma?"
"Uh, nothing. Was just reading the sign?" He lamely answered, following her inside. He glanced at the sign, which proclaimed the name of the place to be "Ryōzanpaku." Huh. Weird name.
Once inside, he felt like he'd stepped into an eighties kung fu movie. There was bonsai, a rock garden, training dummies, and a bunch of other tools he didn't even know the name for. The buildings themselves look like they were almost out of the Edo period, if you ignore the modern accommodations such as electricity.
Before Kazuma even had his footing, a colossal, tanned man appeared out of seemingly nowhere, suddenly standing before the two of them. He had to be at least seven feet tall, his yellow shirt and red shorts barely containing his massive muscles. Kazuma wasn't sure if he should run, or if that would just have him die tired, for surely this was the shinigami himself, come to reap his soul.
"Apa? Hello Miu! Who is this? Is you making a friend?" The monster asked, his voice far too silly for his body.
"Hi Appachai. This is my classmate, Kazuma. Where's grandpa?" Miu asked, completely unphased by the man.
"Hmm…" Appachai crossed his arms, trying to think. He was obviously concentrating, but he needn't have bothered as another voice chimed in.
"Master Furinji went into town to get groceries. Good afternoon Miu. How was school?" Slightly behind the giant was a much more normal looking Japanese man. The only odd things about him being his choice of clothing, a jiu jitsu gi, and his eyes, which had no visible pupils.
"It was great, Akisame! I made a friend and everything. He asked for some help with literature and history, so we were going to go do homework."
"I see. Well, why don't you let me take care of that? I have been known to do a bit of dabbling in literature myself, you know," he offered.
"Really? Kazuma, Akisame is super smart. Would you be fine with him helping you after we finish our homework?" Miu asked, wanting to make sure it was okay.
Kazuma nodded, not seeing the harm in it. "Sure. If you trust him, I trust him. Your grades are great, so if you think he'd be better able to help me out, I'll take your word for it."
"Great! Now come on, I want to try and finish up before grandpa gets home." Miut proceeded to drag Kazuma through the complex. He didn't get a chance to notice much, catching a glimpse of a pink kimono at one point and a large man watching TV another moment, but not enough to really take it all in.
Soon, they were sitting at the kitchen table, their books and pencils out. "So, how are you at math?" Miu asked, curious how he was doing with that.
"Oh, that's easy. It's just following the rules. It's the memorization and interpretation problems that sometimes get me. Wanna take the first half and I'll take the second half so we can finish up faster?" Kazuma suggested, hoping for an easy session.
Miu let out a gasp, holding her hand to her mouth. "Wouldn't that be cheating?"
"I mean, is it cheating if you don't get caught?" Kazuma asked, realizing again just how pure this girl was.
"Hah! Well said young man." A short man in traditional Chinese clothes said, walking by to the fridge before grabbing a drink. "After all, if you think about it, one might even consider a lot of martial arts techniques a form of cheating, depending on how you look at it."
"Kensei! That sounds awful!" Miu gasped, glaring with undisguised hostility at the small man, a first for her.
"But it's true, young Miu. Consider a joint strike. It can do quite a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Would you consider that cheating, just because your opponent can't do it?" Kensei asked, lifting a bushy eyebrow in challenge.
"No, but-"
"Ah! So, what is so wrong with working together to finish your work faster? So long as you both understand the subject matter, no harm, no foul, right?" Kensei asked before opening his bottle of water and taking a drink.
Miu was pouting, still thinking it over, so Kazuma came to the rescue with a middle ground. "How about we review them after to make sure we could have answered them anyway?"
Miu nodded, mollified by that. The two dug into work, occasionally clarifying or asking the other a question. It didn't take them too long before they were done with all of the work save the two problem areas for Kazuma.
While they changed subjects to literature, Kazuma decided to ask a question that had been bugging him. "Hey, Miu. What kind of dojo is this anyway? I don't know much about martial arts, but the people we saw so far didn't look like they practiced the same styles."
"Oh, they don't! Ryouzanpaku is kind of a haven for the highest level of masters. Akisame is a grand master of jiu jitsu, Kensei knows hundreds of different forms of Chinese kenpo, Appachai is a grand master of muay thai, Sakaki is a 100-dan karate grand master, and Shigure knows how to use almost every single weapon in existence" Miu listed off, counting the different masters off with her fingers as she talked about them.
"And what about your grandpa then?" Kazuma asked.
"Somebody mention me?" Came a deep, booming voice as a blond haired titan stooped down to enter the kitchen. While the giant Appachai had been intimidating and far younger, this behemoth had long blond hair, and an aura that Kazuma figured could kill an unsuspecting foe at ten paces.
He was off by a factor of at least five.
"Grandpa!" Miu exclaimed, running up to grab a hug.
"Ah, my precious Miu. Finished with your homework yet?" he asked, returning the hug while side eyeing the boy at the table.
"Almost! We only have literature and history left. They shouldn't take long though. It's only reading a few pages each and a few questions each."
Hayato smiled, nodding along with her explanation. "Excellent. Once you're done and have shown your friend out, we can get started on tonight's training."
"Oh, he isn't leaving right away. Akisame offered to help tutor him a little bit after we were done. Right Kazuma?" Miu asked, turning back towards him.
"Yup." Turning to Hayato he smiled nervously, scratching the back of his head. "I might not be too great with memorizing dates or metaphors," Kazuma explained, hoping to make a decent impression.
Hayato glared for only a moment before letting out a short belly laugh. "Good lad! Being able to admit your weaknesses is the first step to improving! Alright then, I'll let Akisame know you're almost ready for him then." Hayato walked off then, presumably to set up whatever training Miu was going to be doing.
After what felt like an eternity, Kazuma released a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding. "Holy shit, that's your grandpa?!"
"Mhm! He's considered a master amongst masters! I can't think of anyone stronger than him," Miu proudly proclaimed.
"I don't doubt it!" Kazuma said, shuddering slightly. "Just him being here felt like my life was in danger."
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that. Everyone here is a member of Katsujinken." Seeing that only left Kazuma even more confused, she elaborated. "It means nobody here kills with martial arts. Martial arts are meant to save lives, not take them."
Kazuma nodded, finally getting the idea as they continued working. "While I don't disagree, it worries me that that distinction needs to be made."
By the time they were wrapping up, Akisame had joined them, reading over their shoulders to see exactly what they were going over so he'd be able to better help Kazuma. Miu stood up, starting to pack her things away. "Well, I best go find Grandpa before he gets impatient. Have fun Kazuma."
Kazuma waved her goodbye as a wave of impending doom crashed over him, consuming him and sending a shiver down his spine.
Akisame's eyes seemed to glow as the world around him seemed to lose light and color. "Come along, young Kazuma. Time we drill knowledge into your body."
"Again! You may stop when you can answer all the questions correctly!" Akisame shouted, cracking a whip in the general direction of his 'sled dog' named Kazuma. Kazuma had, without his consent or understanding of the events leading to that point, been strapped into a vest attached to ropes that were now pulling the sadist that was Akisame.
"Screw you old man! This is abuse!" Kazuma shouted back, only running to try and stave off the sting of the whip. He was just grateful his shirt was off too, so he wouldn't have to explain the rips and tears.
"You asked for help, so help you shall receive! If you can recall information while under extreme duress, doing it during a simple test should be child's play," Akisame calmly explained, holding the whip at the ready if Kazuma slowed down.
The torture had been going on for almost an hour, with only literature completed. If he ever failed to properly analyze a story after this hell, he'd commit himself to an asylum before stepping back inside this insane dojo.
"Akisame! What are you doing to Kazuma!?"Miu shouted, coming out to halt their little sled dog demonstration and planting her hands on her hips.. She was no longer in her school clothes, instead now clad in a skin tight body suit. A sight that almost made all the pain and suffering worth it for Kazuma, until he noticed the monstrous Furinji behind her, ruining it.
"Ah, I was only teaching Mister Satou about our country's history. I've found physical activity is a great supplement to studying. Now, I don't believe I told you to stop, did I?" he asked, turning back around to find the harness empty of his student. "Hmm, impressive. I didn't even hear him leave." Snapping his fingers, his eyes light up with malicious intent. "Appachai, find him."
Appachai blurred into existence behind the sitting man before nodding with a simple "Apa!" Before dashing off into the woods of the compound, determined to look for the wayward Kazuma.
Kazuma, instead of running straight forward into the woods, had taken advantage of the distraction the Furinjis offered him to go behind Akisame's field of view instead. He was now back next to the buildings of the compound, slowly making his way towards where he hoped the gates were. He knew he couldn't move them, but he'd be able to escape as soon as somebody else left, he hoped.
He peeked into Miu's bedroom, and bit back a gasp of outrage. That short little chinese jerk was pawing through Kazuma's stuff! More specifically, Kazuma's notebook, the one where he kept the really good stuff. If he found that…
Before Kazuma could decide if it was worth the risk to confront Ma, he heard the rustle of fabric, causing him to freeze. Looking to his side, he could see a rice-paper door. Inside the room, a light of some sort was lit and it gave him an idea of what he'd heard. On the paper, he could see the silhouette of what might be the single most buxom woman he'd ever seen, naked based on the lack of clothing casting a shadow. Her arms were above her head, fixing her hair.
Kazuma had no delusions, he was at heart a pervert. And here he was being presented a golden opportunity. He noticed a scant opening of the sliding door, no thicker than his thumb. Stealthily as possible, he approached heaven, trying to glance upon whatever goddess might be inside. A small, self-preserving, part of his brain vaguely recalled that the only female that lived here, beside Miu, was a master of weapons. A risk his second head decided was worth taking.
He lined up with the slit, finally reaping his reward as he gazed upon perfection. Pure, silky, ivory skin, long black hair, a waist so small it should look comical, but perfect for her, just enough muscle to give her definition, an ass that looked like it could be used as a shelf, and BOOBS. They were even larger than Miu's, who had been the largest he'd ever seen in person before now, and these he'd gotten to see naked! He wasn't sure, but he thought he might be in love!
As excited as Kazuma got, his breathing became faster, becoming slowly louder. Enough that he accidentally revealed himself.
"Nice try," the woman muttered, pulling a kunai from seemingly nowhere. She cocked her arm before throwing it towards him. Before it could hit him though, a green missile tackled him to the ground, making it so the kunai flew past where he'd been seconds ago.
Kensei hopped to his feet, pulling Kazuma up. "Flee boy! I'll buy you time! Go forth and add what you've seen to your next story!"
Kazuma's brain made a record scratching noise as he heard what Kensei asked of him. "What?"
"GO PANTY FARMER! SHARE WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TODAY WITH THE WORLD!" Kensei shouted, alerting the other masters of where he was as Shigure came out of her room, brandishing a katana and more kunai. The fact that she'd stopped just long enough to get dressed was the only reason they weren't already under attack.
Kazuma nodded, tearing up slightly. "I'll never forget you Kensei!" He shouted before dashing for his very life, having forgotten about Akisame and Appachai in his fear from Shigure. Running face first into a wall of muscle quickly brought that issue back to mind. "Uh, hi Appachai?"
"Apa!" Two massive hands soon had him in their grasp, the master throwing him over his shoulder. "Akisame! I caught him!"
As Kensei dodged and deflected the arsenal of Shigure, the other master's seemed unperturbed as they walked to meet Appachai. Miu looked outraged, while Hayato looked like he was about to burst out laughing.
"Kensei! How DARE you imply that Kazuma is here just to get in my panties!" Miu snarled, coming up and attempting to slap the old Chinese master, who dodged by leaning over much farther than any one his age should have been able to. "He's just a friend!"
That made Kazuma sag not just with relief that his secret hadn't been outed, but also in despair. Of course. There was no way a hottie like Miu would ever have seen him as anything but a friend. At least she'd been gentler than the last time.
"Ah, well, as long as he's just a friend," Hayato said, stroking his beard to hide his smile. "I'm sure this young man has nothing but the purest of thoughts."
Then the old man stepped next to Kazuma, and he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of dread. "After all, I'd never let someone who couldn't defeat me in battle date my granddaughter."
"Why bother," Kazuma muttered under his breath as the giant pushed past him. "Not like she cares…"
"Well, I'm almost done with dinner. You're staying, right Kazuma?" Miu asked brightly. "I've never had a friend over for dinner before. Apachi, help set the table!"
"Apa!" the giant said, and cheerily let Kazuma go to start with his chores.
Kazuma stood there, dejected and listless, his hands hanging limply as his head hung down. Well, at least Miu had been nicer about her rejection. Time to go crawl back in his hole and return to NEET-hood.
"Don't give up hope yet, Panty Farmer."
Kazuma looked up to see Kensei standing by his side, his hands in his sleeves as he spoke out of the side of his mouth.
"Why do you care, old man?" Kazuma growled, letting his temper get the better of him.
"Because I too know the pain of rejection, and what it is to be, as you young people call it, 'Friend Zoned,'" Kensei said, shaking his head ever so slightly. "If you wish to escape that purgatory and become a real man…I can train you."
"With a face like yours, I'd be shocked to learn that you ever got laid even once. Why should I listen to an old pervert like you?" Kazuma demanded.
With a flourish, Kensei drew out a picture of a dashing young man in a kenpo uniform, his hair in a que down his back. "Believe it or not, once I was quite the looker!"
"Uh, OK, that's uh…something," Kazuma admitted.
"Besides, in a Kung-Fu movie, doesn't the hero always get the girl? Think of what mastering Martial Arts could gain you!" Kensei urged.
"That's…compelling, but I'm not going to pant after Miu like a dog. If she thinks she's too good for me, I don't see why I should stick around here," Kazuma huffed.
Another photo appeared, this one of a girl who didn't look too different from the young boy looks wise, with glossy dark hair, a stereotypical chinese kung-fu girl dress that showed off breasts that rivaled Miu.
"Sweet galloping Buddha, is EVERY female martial artist stacked?!" Kazuma gasped.
"Keep your voice down," Kensei hissed, looking around. "That's my daughter. She should be tracking me down- I mean, I've sent for her. She'd stick around if she learned I had a new disciple, one who had such…talents…"
Kazuma considered that. "So what you're saying is, this dojo is home to not one, but possibly three hotties of the SSS Tier?"
Kensei nodded, his eyes twinkling. "I'm saying just that."
"Where do I sign up!?" Kazuma demanded.
The next thing he knew, he had a quill in hand, and Kensei had him seated on the floor with a contract before him. "Just sign here my good fellow, and for the low price of 10,000 yen a month, you too can achieve your dreams."
Despite knowing better, Kazuma signed.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
"Kenichi Shirahama, it is with deep regret that I must inform you that you have died."
Blinking, Kenichi looked around, feeling mildly panicked. "What!? Where am I!? Is this the hospital? Oh, that's a dumb question…"
Instead of a sterile white room, Kenichi found himself in an endless sea of stars, floating amidst the void. He was seated in a silver chair, across from another chair with a desk beside it. A gentle hand rested on his shoulder, and he looked up to see the smiling and beneficent face of a beautiful young woman with bright blue hair done up in an odd style, and a uniform that featured a dangerously short skirt.
"Oh, um, hi, I just, er-" Kenichi tried very hard to focus on the girl's face, but between her skirt and rather impressive bust, he was having a hard time doing so.
"I am the goddess, Aqua. You have died a heroes death, Kenichi. You sacrificed yourself, even for a worthless NEET, and in doing so, have earned a place in heaven," the young woman said, and began what Kenichi soon recognized as a pitch. He tried to listen, he really did, but she was just so pretty, and he was just so horny.
"-pick any item, if you choose to go to another world!" Aqua finished.
"Oh, er, I mean…going to another world sounds great and all," Kenichi stammered, managing to focus. He ran back through what she had said and- "Wait, anything? Could I…"
Kenich glanced down at his hands, and began twiddling his thumbs. "...could I have something that would allow me to make friends in this new world?"
"Friendship? Well, that's a little weird. Usually you high school losers ask for a really big sword or an OP spell," Aqua said, causing Kenichi to sit up and blink in offended shock. "But, sure, whatever. At least that's kind of unique. Though I don't know that you can really defeat a Devil King with just friendship."
"I mean, it worked on Haruo Nijiima," Kenichi quipped.
Instantly, Aqua was out of her chair, her face pressed up against Kenichi's. "Who!? How do you know the Devil King of Earth!?"
"What?! He's just some loser from my class! He's just this weird guy who everyone calls an alien, and for some reason that guy thinks he's my friend!" Kenichi protested, trying to lean away from Aqua desperately.
She suddenly stood up, folding her arms over her chest. "Hmph. Well, fine. I'll just have to look into that, when I have the time. I'm very busy, you know! I'm the goddess in charge of Japan, and of finding young heroes to save countless worlds!"
"Er, that's nice," Kenichi managed.
"Well, young hero, it's time for you to depart on your adventure!" Aqua declared, raising her hands above her head and summoning a glowing blue circle.
Kenich fell out of his chair, landing on his butt with a thump.
"Your journey begins now! Fight the Devil King, and you too can become a hero who will save the world! Do so, and you will be richly rewarded: You will again one perfect wish, where you can get what your heart desires!"
"If I make a friend, my wish will already come true," Kenich sighed, standing up and rubbing his aching posterior. Then he straightened. "But I will! I'll get stronger, and save the world! I promise! The power of friendship will prevail!"
"Of course it will! Good luck on your journey!" Aqua called, and Kenich was swallowed up in the blue light.
When he blinked again, he found himself on a bustling city street. He looked around, shocked. The street itself was made of brown flagstones, and around him towered shining marble and granite structures. The people on the street were mostly human, but they traveled in carriages or on horses instead of cars, and their dress was straight out of a medieval fantasy.
"I'm really in another world!" Kenich gasped, proving that he really was a walking stereotype. He rubbed his left buttcheek, which hurt even worse now for some reason. He looked around excitedly, hoping to meet his first friend.
"Out of the way, fool!" a woman in a white suit with a naked sword in her hand snarled, shoving Kenichi out of the way. She had short hair the color of straw, save for a splash of purple dye at the left forelock. "Where is she!? We have to find her!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry," another woman in a blue dress and hat said, quickly helping Kenichi up. "Claire is just in a hurry, normally she-"
"RAIN! Quit talking to the commoner unless he's seen Her!" the pushy woman snarled, turning to glare at Kenichi and the woman helping him.
"Ah, sorry, you haven't seen her roy- I mean, a young girl with blonde hair, possibly with a grape hair pin?" the woman asked, putting one hand on her own blonde locks to show where.
"Er, no, sorry I just-"
"Ah, so sorry, I must continue the search then," the woman said, and hiked up her skirts to scurry after her friend, who was stalking through the crowd in a rage.
"Well, so much for making friends," Kenichi muttered, and turned away. He caught movement behind some boxes, and blinked. Was that a grape hair pin?
"Uh, just so you know, two ladies are looking for you. You're not in trouble, are you?" Kenichi asked, stepping forward to peer over the boxes. He found a girl a couple of years younger than him blinking up at him, her big blue eyes very wide. She did indeed have blonde hair, done up with a fruity ornament, and was dressed in a ragged cloak, the hit of a sword peeking out on one side.
"Oh, yes, um, don't tell them…I just wanted to step out for a bit," the young woman admitted, bitting her lip. "I did so want to try some 'pee-zaa' like the stable boys were eating, but I can't seem to locate it…"
"Pizza?" Kenichi guessed, and the girl nodded enthusiastically. "Huh, well, I'm a bit lost too…" his stomach chose just then to growl, and he grimaced and put a hand to it. He had skipped breakfast, and now he was starving…how long ago had he set out for school? And had he really died?
"Ah!" the girl's face brightened, and she stepped forward, taking Kenichi's hand. "You seem hungry, and I have coin! Come, let us find this pizza, and sample it together!"
"Er, sure," Kenichi agreed. "Maybe then I can figure out how to defeat this Devil King…"
He followed after the young girl, who if he'd had half a brain he would have realized was a princess in disguise, holding her hand with his right, while his left rubbed his still sore behind. Where a bandaid shaped cutie mark had appeared.
Sometimes, the gods really do have a sense of humor.