Chapter Thirty-Three

Kenshin's eyes wandered over the disaster on the opposite end of the rec room as he spoke on the phone with Tomoe about Iizuka's misstep. The longer he studied the overturned desk, scattered papers, and broken pencils, the harder his teeth ground together.

"You did well, Himura-san."

It did not feel as if he had done well. If anything, he felt like he had failed.

If only had I gotten here sooner. If only I had come when I was told to.

"Leave Iizuka to us. You should focus on Kaoru now."

Turning himself sideways, he darted a look at Kaoru still seated on the couch. Her head was bowed forward, and he could see nothing of her features through the strings of her damp hair.

"I'd like… to talk to her. It may take a little while."

There was a pause, and Tomoe's voice sounded relieved. "I'll give you some time before I come in to check on her.

"Thank you, Tomoe-san."

A deep, slow breath pulled into his lungs, and he stared at the phone as if to collect his courage. Turning to walk back over to Kaoru, he paused with the phone halfway into his pocket when she suddenly gasped. Her spine straightened, and she jerked her head around as if looking for something. Something that was not him. Then she slid off the couch onto her knees, and flattened herself to the floor in order to shove one arm up under the piece of furniture. For three seconds, she struggled to reach her target, but then quickly withdrew a wire mesh bag.

It was a strange object, and not one Kenshin was familiar with. Seated now on the floor, with one knee hooked and the other leg sprawled, Kaoru tried with great intensity to wedge her fingers into the knot keeping the bag closed. Both of her elbows extended outward, but despite straining with all her strength, the tie would not budge.

Though he was chagrined by the distraction, Kenshin was also concerned by the desperation in her actions. Kneeling hesitantly next to her, he swallowed, and extended a hand.

"Is… something important in there? May I try?"

A half turn of her head was all she allowed to acknowledge his presence. Her eyes stopped at his knees. He believed he understood her reluctance to look at him, but it still constricted his chest. To answer his question, one of her hands lifted to touch her pinned up hair and bring attention to her missing hair charm.

While he had noticed its absence, and even wondered why it had not appeared to stop or stall Iizuka, Kenshin had put the questions aside in order to act immediately. If the charm had been purposely taken from the equation, though, then it appeared that Iizuka had planned his attack well.

"I see." His voice deepened slightly, and he accepted the mesh bag from her shaky fingers. A turn revealed the black seal impeding the charm's ability to activate or escape, and Kenshin frowned. Strangely, Kaoru's shoulders slumped, as if already giving up.

Breaking a seal was not an easy task, and doing so without damaging the medium was a delicate process. Fortunately, the mesh bag meant nothing, and the hair charm was literally a piece of himself. It would take a lot to damage or destroy it. Which meant he could use all the brute force he wanted without having to worry.

Bracing his hands much like Kaoru had, the metal creaked and screeched as he stretched it taught. The seal fought him, and the ends of the tie whipped about angrily before wrapping themselves around his forearm. Gritting his teeth against the sting of pain, he shielded his hands and arms in flame and poured power into each fingertip until the wires burned bright and orange. Mere moments later, the seal gave way, and the wires disappeared in a sizzle of light and dust to leave the hair charm resting unharmed across his hands. Kenshin failed to notice the look of complete awe and surprise on Kaoru's face, or the wide-eyed stare of her sapphire irises.

Almost instantly, the charm activated now that it was in the open, and Kenshin's arms dropped under the weight of the salamander. At the same time, Kaoru's gaze lowered. Already the salamander was growling, and Kenshin's heartrate raced with sudden apprehension. There was no reason for it to be active. The danger had already passed. Except, Kenshin himself was a danger to her, was he not? Its appearance had to mean so.

Kaoru's sudden movement startled Kenshin, but he tried hard not to move when she leaned in to embrace the salamander just behind its front legs. At first, it ignored her to scan its large, golden eyes across what part of the room was available for it to see. It then shifted its weight to step off her shoulder and climb up onto the front cushion of the couch behind her. All the while it continued its surveillance of the room.

By that time, Kaoru was left with just its tail to hug against her chest, but her features had brightened considerably. With her head leaned back and her eyes angled as far up as they would go, she watched the salamander as it performed its due diligence. Finally, those golden eyes landed on Kenshin, and he briefly stopped breathing. Half a second later, they swung away as if dismissing him altogether. Then the salamander huffed. The sort of huff that spoke of frustration, and Kenshin's red brows lifted towards his hairline.

Is it mad it couldn't fulfill its purpose? Or is it mad it missed the fight?

Flopping half on the couch and half on Kaoru's shoulders, the salamander next pushed its hard, red nose into her cheek gently. One of her hands came up to pat the side of its snout, a weirdly happy rumble issued from its nostrils, and then it looked at him again. A long and hard look that was neither threatening nor friendly. Rather, its gaze was weighty and full of judgment. For the first time, he felt the connection that was supposed to have been between them open up. As if the salamander had kept it closed of its own freewill.

"I need to be better."

The intrusive thought was both his and not his, and Kenshin blinked. Little time was allowed him to mull it over, though, as the salamander's left front foot reached up to latch onto Kaoru's hair and it disappeared back into its dormant form. Left with the hair charm now clasped between both hands, Kenshin watched as Kaoru pulled the charm closer to her mouth. A few long seconds later, her arms relaxed, and the end of the charm puddled in her lap. Briefly, he realized the charm was longer than it had originally been. As if it had grown at the same rate as the hair it had been separated from on his head.

With all distractions now gone, the silence in the room almost buzzed. Kaoru's eyes had once more dropped to her lap, and her hands fitfully threaded the braided hair charm through her fingers over and over again. Glancing away, Kenshin realized that it was finally time to talk. As if instinctually, a part of him recognized there would be no better chance, or possibly no further chances. Regrettably, words were suddenly hard to form. There was a knot in his throat. His tongue felt like lead. His mind was completely blank.

Where do I start? What do I say? I'm no good at this at all. What if I say it wrong?

With his nerves strung as tight as they were, he jumped when Kaoru's hands slid from their comforting embrace of the hair charm to instead grasp his right wrist. Slowly her touch traced the raised lines across the back of his hand and up his forearm. Leftover trauma from the seal he had just destroyed. Beneath the welts, though, were the more prominent and extensive cracks that he himself had created by overcleaning. Distracted, her attention quickly turned to ghost her touch over them. They spread all over his body, and she followed them with her eyes up his arm, over to his neck, and to the destruction on his face.

Suddenly, irises of bottomless blue filled his world and froze even his panicked thoughts. Though it had only been a few days, it felt like years since the last time those eyes had looked at him. A tangle of emotion twisted inside his chest, and he forgot to breathe. As he fell prey to her gaze, creases formed between her eyebrows, and her expression was one of pure concern.

Hesitance died under emotions such as concern, and her hands lifted to reach for his face. Whether it was intentional or unintentional, she was offering him a way out. If he accepted her concern, and let the moment stray towards warmer emotions, then perhaps they could overlook the entire episode. Maybe even pretend it had never happened, or make-believe nothing between them had changed. They could go forward without acknowledging it, and avoid the pain they both had suffered as a result. They could avoid the pain discussing it might cause. After all, he already knew that she loved him, and he loved her. Could he not just confess that instead?

Except…

You tried to kill her.

"W-wait."

Gasping and leaning away, he desperately captured both of her hands in his to stall her actions. Unfortunately, she misunderstood his resistance as rejection, and grief and fear jerked at her mouth before she ducked her head to hide. It was the first time since the day they had met that she had looked at him with fear, and his heart shredded inside his chest.

"No. I… I just… need a minute." His voice was small and breathless, and slightly embarrassing. Swallowing, his lashes slammed together. "We need to talk."

Within the darkness, time seemed to stand still. Then he felt her shift. When he had gathered the courage to look, he found she had brought her legs up under her so that she was seated more formally. Hesitance had returned to her now shy gaze, and he caught only glimpses of her pure blue irises as they darted to and then away from him. Her hands had balled into loose fists within his firm grip. Another shaky breath, and he let go. Briefly, she chewed her bottom lip, and then her hands spoke for her.

"About me being human?"

"Yes." His voice was strained. "But… more about… why I reacted the way I did to learning you're… human." Even now, the word produced a visceral reaction, and he bowed his head forward to hide behind his bangs. "Did… anyone explain to you what happened to them? About the war?"

"A little."

"Okay." This particular part of his confession was harder to admit out loud than he had realized. Perhaps because he had tried to ignore it for so long.

"I… started that war." One of his hands twitched. "Inadvertently."

The hands in her lap did not move, and he could feel her eyes upon him now as she patiently waited for him to continue.

It had not occurred to him, until Tomoe had said it aloud, that Kaoru would have no idea about humans or the war. Whether the knowledge was locked inside her memories or not, it would be something that was necessary for her to know before they proceeded. Explaining the tension between the demons and humans was the easy part. While they had always lived alongside one another, demons, or however they were known in different parts of the world, had always preferred to keep their interactions to a minimum. Thereby hiding their existence, for the most part. There were certainly times that humans claimed to have seen one of their kind, but humans were naturally skeptical. They rarely believed their own. That skepticism had kept the demons safe and at general peace.

During the time Kenshin had been born into, however, the world had become crowded, and it was harder for the demons to stay separate. The number of interactions, good and bad, eventually became too much for the human leaders to ignore. Threats had been made, by both sides. Many of the demons had wanted war, but some, like his father, had wanted to compromise. While the general human population was still mostly ignorant, the human leaders entered into negotiations with the strongest demons. Which brought Kenshin to the hard part.

"My father loved humans."

Turning his hands palm up, Kenshin stared at the rough calluses on the skin that was not truly his.

"This form… is not my true form. It is one my father taught me to use, in order to conceal my true form. It could have been anything. I could have easily concealed myself as a dog or a bird. But my father loved humans. He wanted me to… make friends with humans."

Fisting his fingers tight into the palm of his hands, he watched the knuckles turn white from the force.

"When I was fourteen years old, my father was gone for two weeks. It was strange, because he was never gone for more than a day. After those two weeks, a demon by the name of Ōkubo Toshimichi came to inform me… that my father had been assassinated by the humans. He told me… that he was not allowed to say who my father's murderer was. That the other demons had already decided not to retaliate. But he took pity on me."

Finally, violet eyes lifted, and there was something haunted inside of them.

"I loved my father."

Sapphire eyes stayed focused on him.

"He was my whole world, at that age."

It seemed imperative that she understand. Slowly, her lips parted, and there was a mirroring sadness on her face. Her fingers twitched, and she guessed what he was trying to say.

"You killed the human responsible."

Red lashes fell. "Yes. But… apparently, he was the only male heir left to the human's emperor in Japan."

Kaoru's hands lifted as if to say something, but then settled back into her lap.

"Of course, it was not something they could just let go. I found out later, that the war started almost immediately afterward."

Kaoru frowned in puzzlement.

"You found out later?"

The pupils of his eyes had fully dilated as he stared at her hands.

"They… imprisoned me… studied me… for fifty years… in the cold."

When his eyes swung up to look directly at her, they were full of a fear so potent Kaoru actually sat up straighter. She even unconsciously leaned slightly away. He opened his mouth to speak, to elaborate, but no more sound would come out. The horror of that Arctic Lab was too much to speak aloud or articulate into words. Air started to heave into his lungs, and his heart raced out of control.

"I…"

Even for a fire demon, his throat felt dry and hollow. Swallowing only hurt, and it felt like a thousand needles trying to dig their way out of his neck. His vision was starting to narrow, and it was difficult to focus. Chill memories of sub-zero temperatures racked his body with shivering. Directly in front of him, Kaoru's hands flashed signs of worry. Wanting to know if he was alright. Wanting to know what she could do. It was not the words that finally captured his attention, though, but the scars lining her arms. Small white scars. Long, fat scars. Deep scars. Light scars. Scars that told a history of extensive, extended pain.

Trying to catch his breath, trying to release it slowly, he knew what he needed to do. If he could not speak it aloud, then he would show her. He needed for her to understand. A few more desperate breaths worked up the courage, but he still struggled while removing his shirt. Though she blushed and looked away, he next relaxed his hold on the façade of his human form just enough to reveal the damage done to his true self.

Similar scars to her own, his of deep orange, lined his arms. They extended onto his back, where they crisscrossed with such regularity that it was hard to know what he used to look like. His chest and torso were cut into and scarred from repeated abuse and study. A bald spot hidden at the base of his skull spoke of the removal of some of his hair. Despite the torment dealt to his body, it was his face that revealed his greatest agony. Two open wounds of dark red crossed one another on his left cheek. The pain was still very much present deep in his core. Luckily, it was not currently bleeding.

Violet eyes never left her. In fact, he couldn't look away. He wanted so much for her to see; her and no one else. While a part of him was frightened of her reaction, another part of him trusted. This was the most vulnerable he had purposefully made himself for another, and he would not have done so if not for his faith in Kaoru's personality.

Under his careful scrutiny, it was easy to see every flicker of emotion on her face. Carefully, deliberately, her eyes studied each visible scar. The more she saw the more saturated her reaction. It wasn't pity, though, or sympathy that consumed her. He wouldn't even classify her expression as one of sorrow or grief. It was simply love, and nothing less. Love not for the scars on his body. Love not for the torment he had suffered. It was love for him, and not his misfortune. Love, because she understood. It was more than he could have hoped for, and exactly what he needed.

Slowly, her hands lifted towards him again with the clear intent to offer that love she felt for him. Only this time, he accepted her gratefully. Wrapping the backs of her hands in his fingers gently, he pressed her touch to either side of his face, eager to receive the comfort and relief she provided him. With a shaky sigh, he stole five seconds to ignore everything else, and savored what he knew he did not deserve. There was more that needed said, however, and not much time was left. The scars lining his form faded, and his human visage tightened back around him.

"How can you be so warm, Miss Kaoru? Especially to someone so unworthy." Even as he said it, he turned his face into her right palm. "I've done so many things wrong."

Briefly, her fingers tightened against his cheekbones, but he ignored her denial in order to finish his confession.

"For most of my life, humans have… terrified me." His body shook as he spoke the word, and his eyes clenched shut. Unknowingly, he leaned harder into her right hand, as if to hide his reaction.

"After I was finally rescued from the Arctic Lab, just hearing the word 'human' would set me into a rage. Seeing one… was worse." Thinking about such things now, filled him with shame. It was no wonder he had been used on the front lines of the war.

"I caused more destruction to this world than I could ever atone for. I helped commit genocide against the humans without remorse or a second guess. I used my pain and anger to fuel my flames, and never once questioned or tried to face what my internal trauma had done… to the world and to myself." His voice was low enough that Kaoru had to lean in to hear him.

"Until four days ago." Violet eyes appeared from around her hand, and lifted to meet her clear gaze. "When I stood in this lab and learned that the person I had come to care for the most… was a human."

Dark lashes widened around deep sapphire swirls, and her cheeks flushed pink.

"I've hated humans, for what they did to my father. I've feared them, for what they did to me. But this week, I finally understood my father's love for them." Emotion filled his voice, and his hands tightened around her fingers.

"It scared me. For the first time, I wasn't afraid of something external. I was afraid of myself and this involuntary reaction that I have ignored and never faced. I was afraid of what I might do, of what destruction I might have already caused… to you." Unsteadily, his right hand reached for her face, but stopped short. Deep creases formed between his brows, and his fear was easy to read.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. I still don't know, if I tried to hurt you that day." Lowering his chin, his body trembled and his lungs quivered.

"I'm so sorry. It kills me to think that I might have, that I even could. I had to leave, because I didn't want to hurt you, and because I was so ashamed." His free hand came back to grip her wrist. Callused fingers were firm, but not painful.

"I'm still afraid, Kaoru. I can't trust myself. But I promised to protect you, and I mean to keep my promise. Which is why… I think it best if I stay away for a while. Just… just until I gain more control."

Patient and considerate, Kaoru had waited for him to say all that he had needed to say without interruption. Until the moment he announced his plan to keep them apart. Surging to her knees in a startling enough way to demand Kenshin's eyes follow, her head shook desperately and her entire face frowned. Both of her hands were firm on his cheeks now, and the force of her stare was commanding and obstinate.

"Kaoru…"

Again, her head shook, and her hands jerked free of his to tell him exactly what she thought of his declaration.

"I will not be left behind again. If you go, then I'm going with you. If you leave me behind, I'll follow on my own."

The hand signs cut through the air like practiced kata, and even the air huffed from her nose with each strong word.

"Kaoru, that wouldn't be safe." His voice lifted incredulously, but she was having none of it.

"I don't need you to protect me! I just want you to stay and keep looking at me!"

Red eyebrows shot towards the ceiling, and he held her determined glare for what felt like an eternity. The confession was unexpected and slightly strange, but he believed he understood what she meant. After all, he really didn't want to leave, or be apart either. Admittedly, deciding to stay away had been born under the assumption that his trauma would be unable to handle being near a human, despite how much he loved her. However, not once since his arrival had he felt frightened or repulsed by her, nor had he involuntarily tried to ward her off or attack her. If anything, his desire to protect her had grown, and his affection for her nearness had even distracted him after revealing his worst and most intimate scars. Best of all, whatever confusion she had felt about the situation was completely gone, and she had no fear of him, or anything, so it seemed.

If I do leave and she follows, that would place her in more danger than I currently appear to be for her. Is it really alright… to trust myself with this much?

There was always the charm. It had successfully protected her from him before. Between the both of them, he believed they could continue to keep her safe. Decided, he gladly gave in to her demands.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. I won't leave you behind. I promise."

Half a second later, and one of his hands shot backwards to catch himself as she threw her entire weight against his shoulders. Strong arms squeezed around his neck, and an involuntary chuckle escaped his throat. The return to normalcy was a relief, and he knew he had made the right choice.

Without one more second of resistance or reluctance, he purposefully mimicked her embrace in a demonstration of mutual affection. Their positioning unfortunately made the action uncomfortable, and forced more separation between them than he currently liked. Hooking an arm around the back of both of her knees, he pulled her sideways into his lap so that he could hug her tighter. Her weight shifted without a fight or complaint, and her face pressed into the side of his neck intimately. A lump lodged in his throat, and red lashes closed to enjoy a moment he had feared he would never get to have. A moment he had convinced himself he never deserved to have.

"You don't know how much I wish I had met you first, so long ago, before anyone else." The tone of his voice was quiet and adoring, but he could not force it to be any louder due to the slow pulling tension in his chest. "Miss Kaoru, I…"

From the other room, the entrance door to the lab beeped sharply to announce the presence of another. The short time he had been allowed was up. Fisting his hands and fighting back disappointment, Kenshin stole a second longer before he picked Kaoru up to deposit her on the couch. Flame blue eyes blinked up at him curiously, and his head dropped forward on a deep sigh even as he jerked his arms through the sleeves of his shirt.

"I guess I can wait a little longer."

X

A/N: I kind of hate long, talky explanations. So, I tried to keep his dialogue short and to the point (about Kenshin's trauma), while at the same time including some information that wasn't previously revealed, but it still ended up taking up the entire chapter. Ugh, lol. Still, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. It was a bit tough for me, which is always disconcerting, especially after two chapters that came out so smoothly. Sorry, now I'm just complaining, lol. It was a necessary chapter, but I wanted to keep the balance between Kaoru's fear of rejection, and her natural desire to offer comfort and love. Overthinking things isn't something she does in this story, so I really tried to keep that in here (which was tougher than expected). I did reveal something important about Kenshin's story that Kaoru seemed skeptical of… Maybe you thought it strange as well? Anyway, many revelations are up next, and I'm excited to get back to Kaoru's progression! Thanks so much for sticking with me! You guys are the best!

Edit: Because it was bugging me all day, I did some additional editing twelve hours after I originally posted. I feel a little more at ease now, lol.