The friendship between Britt and I literally explodes after our lunch date. We start hanging out every free moment we have and even though I can tell Tina isn't thrilled of sharing their coffee breaks with me, I know she is growing to like me just like I'm growing to like her. A little less amused is Quinn, thinking I'm dangerously falling for the blonde, but she started dating Alex, the blonde guy in drawing, and we somehow grew apart, though we still talk and see a lot of each other, in and outside of work.
Brittany and I even went shopping for her baby and for more maternity clothes, her bump starts growing and as I figured she is getting prettier day by day, she simply is glowing.
It's pretty late at night because I had to workout first and now we are out having dinner at a little pizza place near my apartment and we're literally laughing our heads off.
"Can you imagine, I wanted to become an astronaut. I just stole this helmet from the neighbors' garage and went running through the backyard with a baseball bat. My dad asked if there was a bombardment near he didn't know about", she holds her belly while she laughs.
I picture a little Britt with freckles on her nose and I can't with the cuteness.
"So you were a handful as a kid", I try to compose myself.
"You can say that. My parents barely could handle the three of us, imagine three girls, I'm the oldest and definitely was the hardest for them, Eve is the calm one, always has been, but when we were together playing outside, she turned wild. And then there was Luise, she was actually your age, so when I was say 10 or so, she was still a baby, but she spent so much time in the backyard with us that she grew up really fast. And she was wise, too smart even", Brittany's laughter subsides completely and a sad expression invades her face.
I wish I could wipe the pain from her features.
I know what I'm going to say now can either ruin the night or strengthen our friendship, but I'm ready to take the chance.
"She died, right?", I ask.
She studies me, seems still saddened by the topic but not annoyed I questioned her.
"I know I told you it was third date material and it's probably our what, fiftieth? If we count the three coffee breaks we take together daily maybe even more…", I know she is trying to lighten the mood and talking about our friendship is definitely a way to do it, "and I do trust you with this story, it's not that… But I'm really emotional right now, I could most likely end up in tears with you having to console me, that's not pretty, believe me. I have been crying for way less sad things lately", she justifies herself, and during the deep breath she takes before going on, I take the opportunity to interrupt her.
"Hey, it's okay, you don't have to tell me anything, and I understand you're emotional now".
I feel stupid for asking, but she mentions this sister and the bond between them and Tina a lot, I just wanted to at least know what is and isn't okay to say.
"No, I am sorry. I know I mention her a lot with you", she explains, almost reading my mind, "it's only fair for you to have questions. It's just… Only Tina and I know the story at work and I don't want people pity me or what happened to my sister define me. It's been so long ago, everyone has forgotten and turned page. Except of course my family and Tina. I just miss her so much and talking about her with you makes me miss her a little less, I feel safe with you, Santana… I know I need to give you more than this, and I want to, I do… She is dead, that much I can tell you, but the whole story will have to wait", she looks down at her hands in embarrassment and in this moment I want to stand from my seat and go hug her.
So I do.
We are comfortable around each other and ever since we started hanging out so much I pushed down my feelings for her and we have been treating each other like normal friends, so we hug, we hold hands, kiss on the cheeks, and I try so hard to ignore the tingle I feel for each little contact to her skin I get.
She starts crying the second my arms engulf her torso and the position I'm in is very uncomfortable, half keeling and holding my weight on one leg. She picks up the napkin and starts wiping her tears smearing the little makeup she had on, so I quickly reach for my purse and take a tissue to fix it for her.
The crying subsides and she smiles gratefully, fortunately it's late and there aren't many patrons around anymore.
"Sorry, Santana, I told you I was going to turn into a crying mess, fucking hormones…"
"Hey, nonsense. I don't want to hear another apology, am I clear? It's my fault for not being able to keep my mouth shut…", I say, truly regretfully.
"No, Santana, it was on your mind and I shouldn't have mentioned her in the first place if I wasn't ready to talk about her… But somehow I feel like you're a gift she sent me, she wanted me to have someone by my side during this pregnancy to cover for her. I know I have Tina, but you and I… this is different, and parts of me think I have her to thank for making me find you".
This is seriously emotional and I'm a second away from crying myself.
I sit back in my chair across from her and take her hand in mine. It's so soft, yet so strong. I caress it up and down and try to push down my feelings for her sake. I don't know what to say, so I better keep quiet.
She is the one to speak up once again.
"Can you please promise me something?", she surprises me completely with the question.
Our friendship just kind of happened and developed itself naturally, we never needed to talk about it or make each other promise anything. I feel like I have to agree to this now, though.
"Anything", I encourage her nodding, not stopping the ministrations on her hand.
"Promise me that you will ask me anything and you will always be honest with me, tell me what's on your mind".
Okay, haven't seen this one coming and I can't quite place it.
"Of course, Britt. Can I ask where this is coming from?", I decide my question won't hurt, after what she just made me promise.
"You seem to regret questioning me about Luise, and I get why, I mean, I turned into a blabbering mess, but I don't want you to feel like you have to keep your guard up around me or that I want to keep it up around you. I want us to share everything, little by little".
She looks dead serious and I'm a little turned on by her admission. I mean, I don't know if I'd make a lover promise me something so important, and yet here I am promising it to a friend.
"I want us to be open with each other too", I reassure her, and she seems quieter now, "but, do I have to tell you everything everything?", I ask, not really knowing where I'm going with this, but I see her relax in her seat and I feel like I said something right.
"What are you hiding from me, Lopez?", she smiles for the first time since her sister came up in the conversation and I have missed her happy face, even if it was gone for all of ten minutes.
"I don't know, how would you feel about a dead body in my closet?", I ask. For a second I was considering asking her how she would feel knowing I have feelings for her and put it as a joke, but I figure too much for one night is too much and decide against it.
She smiles and the mood turns lighter.
"You're a dork", she states, almost forgetting all about the promise we just exchanged. But I feel the tingles in my skin and I realize I'm already not being entirely honest with her.
I pay for the pizza and then we head back to my place. It's way too late for her to catch a train home on her own and my car is at work, I park it there and ride my bike around town.
She offers to call her sister Eve to come pick her up, but I suggest she stays at my place.
It's the first time, I never even invited her up, it's really small and nothing special, but I just promised I'll be honest with her and I think trying spending a night in the same bed as friends is going to give me exactly an idea of how hard it could become to keep hiding my feelings to her.
"The thing is, though, that I only have one bed. Not even a couch, so I can't give it to yourself", I tell her while we climb the stairs and I'm now sure it's too late for her to turn back.
"So you're basically framing me and making me sleep in bed with you so you can jump my bones", she throws in, and I can tell she is not completely joking.
"Nah, don't worry, I'll give you enough space, you won't have to touch me", I suddenly turn serious and regret my attempt at joking. It kind of backfired.
Sure, when Sam is here, which by the way still happens sometimes, we end up getting close and cuddling all night, but it's not because of the lack of room in the bed, I can give her space.
"Relax, Santana, I was messing with you. I'm sure you can get someone way hotter than a pregnant ball in bed with you to do the deed, you wouldn't want to do it with me", she sounds almost sad saying this, but it could also be the exertion after four flights of stairs.
I quietly turn the key in the lock and let her in, thankful for the distraction and hoping to avoid commenting on her statement.
I give her a brief tour of the one-room apartment I'm currently living in, a small entrance, the bathroom, the room with bed, table, kitchen. It lasts all of five seconds, but she busies herself taking off her jacket and shoes and seems to really forget the topic we were discussing before.
She mentions how tired she is and I can even see her yawn. We settle that I'm going to lend her my bike to ride to work tomorrow and I'm taking the bus, not without a little fight on her side, then I lend her some pjs I'm sure are too small for her, a fresh toothbrush and a towel and leave the bathroom to her with the invitation to borrow anything she needs.
I put on some chamomile while she gets ready for bed and as soon as she leaves the bathroom I leave her in charge of the tea and go about my night routine myself. She is so cute in my pjs with half her calves exposed. There is her perfume in the room and I stop to breathe her in after closing the door behind me.
It's going to be a long night, I can't think about her in this way or else I'll really come clean.
When I get out I find her already lying in bed with a pillow holding her back upright and a mug in her hand. She has fixed the other pillow in the same position for me. I take a deep breath and join her in my bed with the mug she poured for me, turning all the lights off except the bed-lamp.
"I hope you don't mind, I was a little cold and made myself comfortable in bed", she sheepishly states.
"Not at all, I was going to lay down myself anyway. I'm sorry my pjs are so short", I laugh.
"They're just fine, don't worry", she reassures me, but I know her calves must be freezing, at least before the bed gets warm.
I get her a pair of socks and offer to hold her mug while she wears them. She thanks me with a smile that definitely turns me on.
Usually it's the sexy that gets me going, but for her the cuteness is enough. Of course, she is sexy as hell although she apparently can't see it, but I've never been turned on by a smile or a cute remark before.
We drink the chamomile in silence and I focus on the drink warming my throat in order not to think about a very sexy Brittany laying next to me.
"Are you one for cuddles?", she asks and I almost spit my drink.
Shit.
"Well, it depends…", i trial off.
"On?", I can see that she is full on teasing me, maybe she picked up more than she lets on and she is just trying to push my buttons and see how far she can get.
"On who is sleeping next to me. For example, see my teddies?" I fish under the covers to find the piglet and the rabbit I have in my bed and hold them up for her to see. "They get loads of cuddles from me during the night", I try to joke and I can see her smile.
"They're lucky teddies", she states and a look of regret for what she said flashes through her face, but maybe it's just the dim light coming from the small lamp. "But, I meant, with real people…"
And suddenly I know what she is asking.
The people we date or used to date is one of the few topics that never came up in conversation before. Like, does she even know I'm bi?
"I don't have many people spending the night with me lately", I simply tell her, hoping the answer is going to be enough for her and she doesn't decide to dig further.
She stays quiet and I appreciate it, so I simply tell her "but don't worry, I won't suffocate you just because you're here", not really joking.
I mean it, I want her to be comfortable and I'm not going to cuddle up to her, normally I can control my shifting even in my sleep and I can keep myself still if I make a point to.
"You know, you can cuddle up to me, if you want. I don't mind. In fact, I haven't had someone in bed with me for far too long and I really love the warmth of another body", she confesses without the least of embarrassment.
But I don't feel at ease, if we do cuddle then I'm not sure I can respond for my actions.
"I mean, if you want… I'm here, do of me what you please", I try sounding funny but I can tell she doesn't buy it.
She passes me her empty mug and I put it beside mine on the nightstand. I turn off the light and hope the darkness will make this conversation a little less complicated, I can feel it's coming.
Instead, she surprises me by taking my hand in her own and caress it with her fingers, similar to how I did for her back at the restaurant.
We each lay down our pillow and rest our heads on them, my left hand now tightly clasped to her right, both of us facing the ceiling. I can hear her regular breathing, meaning she is still awake.
"Santana, are you uncomfortable right now?", she asks, and I can hear the shyness in her voice.
"Not at all, are you?", I ask back. I figure maybe this is her way of telling me she is.
"I'm perfect, thanks", she smiles. "Can I ask you something?", she seems to be bold in the dark and now I'm sure it's coming.
"Lots of questions and requests for one night, Pierce… But, shoot", I take a deep breath and I know she heard it, now she is pondering if asking what is on her mind is going to bother me.
"Why is it that a pretty girl like you is still single? I mean, I know it's not so simple to find the perfect match or whatever, but you are fucking gorgeous inside and out, like, anyone should be in love with you. How come you spend your nights alone?"
Could have been much worse.
I laugh before giving her a completely honest answer. "I get that a lot to tell you the truth, and there is no short answer for it. I could explain it to you, but it would take at least all night".
She must sense I'm not exaggerating, because she doesn't reply right away. Then she softly says: "And I'll want to hear all about it, seriously. When you're ready. Nothing could scare me away, you're stuck with me. But, in all honesty, I'm glad you're single, I have a feeling we couldn't be doing this if you weren't".
Wow, bold Pierce, unlike me.
"Why is that?", I decide to use the last sentence of her answer to move on with the conversation. "I mean, I don't invite many friends over, but I wouldn't let a partner stop me from doing just that". And this is entirely true.
"No, I didn't mean it like that. But if someone were already in this bed with you there would be no room for me, quite literally", she tries to push again.
"No, I guess you're right. Good thing no one but you wants to spend the night with me, right?", I ask, figuring by now it is okay for me to push back a little.
"I'm sure there are people lining up for you, I know you love to hear me say this and thus you didn't acknowledge it the first time around, but you're so gorgeous, Santana. I think it's you not wanting to let people in, and I'll figure out why, but not now, I promise", she squeezes my hand even tighter under the covers and I smile.
"Since we are being so honest with each other…", I figure now or never and the coziness of us holding hands in my bed makes me feel it's okay to ask this, "why is it that you now decided to have a baby on your own? I know you're thirty-five, but you still have time, why now?"
She breathes in and out real quick, almost impossible to catch, if it weren't for the fact that my ear is so close to her head and we are lying in complete silence.
"I don't know exactly. I mean, I have always wanted to be a mother, it has always been the goal for my life. Like, I was thirteen when I got my first period and it was a little later than my friends, I was so worried I was not going to get it because then I wouldn't have been able to conceive a baby, can you imagine how childish?", she asks laughing at her younger self.
"It's cute", I encourage her, and I feel her slightly nod.
"I knew I wanted to be a mum and at first I even told the guys I would date. I remember my first, Jonas, we were both seventeen and after he came inside of me, with a condom, obviously, I told him I kind of hoped the condom had a hole, so I could get pregnant", now she is full on laughing and it is contagious. I picture her in the situation she just described and can't help but smile.
Apparently, she is getting it down with the confidences, I must soak in everything she is giving me.
"Needles to say, he flew and never had sex with me again, and warned his friends about my sociopathic ideas. Then I went to university and I put the thought of being a mum aside, focussing on building my career instead. I started dating a lot, boys and girls, been very open with my sexuality, though I didn't really give it away for free, if you know what I mean…", she laughs again and turns her head to face me.
"No, I get it, I've been more or less the same…", I encourage her to go on.
"Then I met Mark, I was turning thirty and the relationship developed really fast, I loved him and we moved in together, I started seeing myself married to him and having his children. So I kind of stuck to that, forgetting about everything else in the relationship, which eventually went south. It was mostly my fault, I took him for granted, I was just waiting for him to show up with a ring and ask me to quit the pill. I knew for sure marriage and kids were his dream too, we obviously discussed it, he was thirty-five and not getting any younger himself. But then my sister Eve helped me realize I didn't really love him, I was just convinced he was my last train to mommy-town, breaking up with him would have been the end, but it wasn't the right reason to stay together. So I abruptly broke up with him, I couldn't bring myself to be honest to him, told him it was over and moved back with my parents. It sucked and I got into a little bit of depression, I started seeing a therapist but that didn't stop me from sleeping around, I'm sure you heard about my hookups at work"
I simply nod my head, she knows I was upset hearing the guys talk about her so no point in sugarcoating it.
"But now I came to accept that I'm enough, that I don't have to desperately look for someone who wants to be the other parent of my kids, I can do it on my own and it will be so much better than doing it with the wrong person. I figured this was just as good a time as any and I went for it. I mean, I am scared, I fear I won't be good enough of a mother, that I can't give my kid what a family of two parents could give them. But I'm determined to do this on my own and right now I wouldn't want to share this pregnancy with anyone, it's mine and I've worked so hard for it, you know? It would be like someone intruded in something so very private for me, it's mine and mine only".
I sense she is finished and I'm honestly a little astounded about how much information she just shared with me, I kind of don't know what to make of it. The last thing she said, about not wanting to share this time with anyone sticks with me though and makes me feel like I'm intruding, just like she said.
"Wow, thanks for sharing this", I honestly tell her. Figure she deserves a reply. "I stick with what I told you the first time we talked, this is so incredibly brave, and even if I didn't know you before, I think the journey that brought you where you are is a clear sign of how far you've gone. I'm proud of you".
"Awe, thanks, San", she simply says and then turns to me and places a kiss on my nose.
Like, why on my nose of all places. As if she wasn't sure if she could go for the lips but didn't want to settle with a cheek either.
"Good night, Britt Britt", I decide sleep will be the only thing stopping my mind from running miles and her from kissing me anywhere else.
"Night, San, thanks for having me in your bed", she innocently states, awakening all the wrong thoughts I've tried so hard to keep at bay tonight.
Our hands still clasped, I must doze off as soon as I hear her breath even out.
"No, San, this is dangerous, tell me you see it", Quinn says, now red with anger.
Damn it, why did I have to tell her?
"Quinn…"
"Do not Quinn me… You know I'm right. She literally told you she doesn't want anyone in her life right now, and you're falling so hard", she tries to reason with me and I see she is pushing her anger aside for my sake. She is a great friend, saying it as it is but with my happiness at heart.
"I've already fallen, Quinn, it's too late to turn back", I state meekly, admitting it to myself for the first time.
"But you can set some boundaries to protect your heart. Like, no more sleepovers for starters", she rebuts.
"I don't think we're going to have another any time soon anyway. But that's not the point, I keep thinking about her and about what she shared. And also about how she clearly flirts with me but never too directly. It's making me go crazy".
"And that's not healthy. My opinion, either you tell her how you feel, or you try to turn this friendship down a notch or maybe even two…"
"No need, like you called it it's a friendship, nothing else, and she keeps talking about this support system she has to help her with the baby, I'll be part of that", I try to convince more myself than her.
I know for sure that I could keep being Brittany's friend, but Quinn sees it as more complicated than in has to be. I can keep feelings at bay, right?
"But say she felt the same and she asked you to be the other parent of the kid she is having… maybe not now, but after the regular first phase of the relationship, what would you do?", she tries to reason.
"There is no point in thinking about it", I snort, maybe a little too harsh, "she made it crystal clear she wants to be on her own in this".
"I know, but still, what if she falls for you and this makes her change her mind. You're with Sam now and it's literally the relationship with the least kind of commitment I've ever witnessed. Being with her and a fucking kid it's the exact opposite, I don't think you're ready…", she snorts.
I am kind of mad with these assumptions she is making and I know she means well and she is not completely wrong about Sam and about my inability to commit, but there really is no point discussing this.
"Q, I'm not ready for commitment, obviously, and she is not ready to let me in like that, so just let it go. We are friends, period".
"If you say so yourself… But seriously, I know how you are when you put your heart out there and I think it's amazing and anyone would be so lucky being on the receiving end of that love you can give. Just, she's not the right person…", she trails off.
I feel my head start to pulsate, I made a point of behaving like a normal friend to Brittany and I must confess that waking up hand in hand this morning in my bed, smelling her morning breath, witnessing her tousled hair, she was simply too cute and I had to use all my restraint not to take her right there and then. I had to lock myself in the bathroom and get off with the shower head, I felt gross afterwards, looking her in those innocent blue orbs, but it was the lesser of two evils.
"So what about you and Alex, is he the right person or just a good fuck?", I ask, she has partially already answered this question before, but I don't want her to talk about Brittany any longer, also because we are in the garden outside and even if no one else is around, I know it's not entirely safe from prying ears.
"For now I'll settle on a good fuck, but I can't rule out him becoming something more. I know you don't like him because you associate him to the drawers gossiping about your lady lover, but if you remember correctly, he was the only one defending her"
"Yeah, right, the one who basically admitted of having had hookups at work before…", I try to plant a seed in her head, she is smart but sometimes I swear she lives in her own world and I want to make sure she won't have to fight another coworker for him.
"He told me, you know, it was Rachel, from quality assessment…", she smirks, happy that she could shut me up.
"What? That dwarf?", I ask in a mocking tone. I kind of like this Rachel girl, she is nice enough, I just want to get back at Quinn for sticking her nose in my business, even though I'm technically the one going to her for advice.
I got to find another friend, ideally outside of this company.
"She is just as tall as you and I are, San, just because your Britt Britt is a beanpole doesn't mean we're dwarfs", she laughs.
And I laugh with her, I must confess she is fun.
"Whatever", I shove her arm and we make our way back to the offices.
Wonder if Brittany will text me, haven't heard from her after we left my place this morning.
Sorry, there was an error occurring and I tried updating the story for the past 2 days. Now it should be okay.
I was thinking more or less 10 chapters, I usually stop reading a story as soon as it gets to the drama-free part so I figured I'll cut it there. What do you think?