Happy Wednesday, my lovelies.

It is officially November, which means… it's the last month for Cause and Effect! Hope you are all ready for the ending.

Thanks for all lovely comments so far. You're the best.

Christine is also the best of the best, and I'd be lost without her. Everyone send her all the love in the world, please!

And thanks to Sofi for putting up with me when I'm trying to find the perfect title for a fic. I'm a pain in the ass.

The song in this chapter is You're Not Home.

Enjoy!

The click of the front door
Your clothes left on the floor
Bike wheels still turning
Where you left them on the back lawn

Even though it was a huge relief that the truth was out now and that they had come to an agreement, Blaine and Jack still had to face he most difficult conversation of their entire lives. However, they decided not to tell the kids right away. They gave each other a couple of weeks to figure out all the important stuff first, so they would get to sit down with Lena and Theo with all the information available, in case they had any questions. They wanted them to feel safe and comfortable even if what was going to come was, undoubtedly, going to be a little scary for them.

"I…" Jack muttered, and it was obvious that what he was about to say was difficult. But he pushed through it. They had both learned how to. "I think you should keep the kids and the apartment."

Blaine, who had been sitting next to him in bed, turned slightly so he could face him. "What? Are you sure?"

"Your job has a more reliable schedule than mine," Jack said with a little shrug. "Sometimes I have long surgeries that get complicated. I won't be able to be home in time to make them dinner every night, and I won't be able to pick them up from school every single day. I think it makes more sense if they stay with you."

He looked so sad, and Blaine knew exactly what he felt. Not seeing Lena and Theo every day was hard – it was what had kept him from ending the marriage sooner, after all.

But what Jack was saying definitely made sense.

"Okay," he said. "But… we need to come up with a proper schedule so we both get to be with them equally. And I think we need to spend some time together as a family, too. Maybe you can come over for dinner once a week? Or we can all go out together on Sundays? Take them to the park or the movies…"

Jack smiled. "I love that idea. Let's say… dinner on Wednesdays? That's my easiest day. And we can do something together every other weekend or something."

Blaine grabbed a notepad from his bedside table and started jotting things down, to make sure they didn't forget anything. "Alright. And if you're not living here then I assume you're getting your own place? So does that mean you're going to take them for the weekends or something?"

"Yes, I'd like that," Jack said, nodding. "But we can switch it up so you don't always have to be the one in charge of the mess during the week and I get to just have fun with them on the weekends. Things should be as equal and as fair as possible."

Blaine tilted his head back against the headboard and looked at him with a soft smile. "If we had done this sort of thing before everything happened, maybe our marriage wouldn't have failed so badly."

Jack smiled back, wistfully. "I don't know. I think that knowing we both want different things actually took a lot of pressure off. We now just get to… try to be happy, you know?"

Blaine looked away, suddenly finding his list very interesting. He doodled a bit on the margins. Being happy, at the moment, seemed as the farthest thing. He could be contented, maybe. But happiness… it would take some work.

He kept his eyes on his doodle – it made no sense, just endless circles looping together over and over again – and said: "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Jack said.

"I know I don't have any right to ask this because Kurt met the kids, even if it was by accident, but…" Blaine took a deep breath. "If you're getting back together with Eddie, please don't introduce him to them yet, okay?"

Jack reached for his hand and stopped him from drawing any more circles, like he knew it was Blaine who was spiraling at the moment. It was probably the most tender gesture they had shared in months. "I won't introduce them yet, Blaine. If he doesn't kick my ass for breaking up with him twice, then it'd be a while before I'd let that happen. I need to make sure that we can make it work. And I don't want Theo and Lena to be confused, either, to feel like we're replacing anything."

"Thanks," Blaine said.

After that conversation came many others, because there was so much they needed to figure out. They worked on a schedule together that would make sense for their family, and Jack started looking for a new place to live. Faster than they thought, he found a three bedroom apartment near the hospital and put a deposit down after Blaine went with him to see it. It was a nice place, near a park, and he knew the kids would like it.

"I'm going to let the kids choose how they want to decorate their rooms," Jack said, and there was an edge of excitement in his voice, like he was truly, truly looking forward to this new stage of his life. "So they are more comfortable and can face this a bit more positively. What do you think?"

Blaine had smiled and said it was a good idea. Whatever made the transition easier on their children was worth a shot.

Everything was moving so fast, though. Blaine sometimes needed to take a moment to catch his breath – what had taken them over a decade to build together was coming apart in only a handful of weeks.

And then one evening, when it became inevitable because Jack had started packing his things, they sat the kids down after dinner. Blaine grabbed Jack's hand in his – they really were sharing contact more often these days, like whatever had stopped them from leaning on each other before was now gone – and they looked at them.

"There's something we need to tell you, guys," Jack started.

Lena immediately grinned and started bouncing on the couch. "Are we going to Disney?"

"No, sweetheart," Blaine shook his head.

"Are we having another baby?" She asked.

Well, this was going to be harder than they had imagined – and that was a lot to say.

"Lena, please listen to us," Jack said softly. "Your dad and I… well, we have decided it's best for all of us if we don't live together anymore."

Lena's eyes widened. Theo watched them, frowning.

"Are you getting a divorce?" Lena exclaimed, and that made her brother look at her abruptly, like he wasn't quite sure what that meant, but he knew it wasn't something good.

There was no point in lying to them, though. "Yes, Lena. We're getting a divorce," Blaine replied.

"No!" She screamed, lower lip wobbling dangerously, like she was on the verge of a massive breakdown. "No!"

"Shh, it'll be okay," Jack said sweetly. "There's nothing wrong with getting a divorce when it's the best possible option for our family…"

"My friend Sarah's parents got a divorce," she said, tears already streaming down her face. "And she never sees her dad anymore because he moved away…"

"We're going to see each other all the time," Blaine explained as calmly as he could when his heart was breaking. "Your papa and I have just decided that it's best for us if we're friends instead of husbands. We will be happier like that, and we can be better daddies to you both if we…"

"You lied!" Lena said angrily, pointing at Blaine. "You told me I didn't have to worry!"

It felt like being kicked in the stomach. It stole all of his breath.

"Lena…"

"You're a bad daddy," she said, and then sobbed so hard it broke whatever piece of their hearts that was still whole.

Blaine glanced at Jack, desolate. Jack squeezed his hand before he let go to reach for Lena, pulling her into his lap.

"Hey," he said, wiping away at her tears, only for them to be replaced by fresh ones. "Everything's going to be okay."

Theo started crying, too, and Blaine grabbed the little boy in his arms. The four of them sat together, a small family that was a little fractured but still loved each other, and waited until the kids had calmed down enough to keep talking.

"We will always do whatever it takes to make sure you two are happy," Jack whispered into Lena's hair. "And we both think we can be better fathers to you if we live separately."

"This doesn't mean you did anything wrong," Blaine reassured them at once. "Adults sometimes… just grow apart. Sometimes marriages don't work. And there's nothing wrong with it, either. Part of being good daddies to you is making hard decisions like this one, to make sure we give you the best life possible."

"You two are going to live with dad," Jack explained. "And I'm going to have a new apartment. It's really nice, and I'm sure you're going to like it. You're going to have brand new bedrooms there and you'll get to decorate it however you want."

"We want you to know that, even if we're not going to live together, we're still a family," Blaine continued, a little desperately but trying to keep his tone even so the kids wouldn't notice. "Papa is going to have dinner with us once a week, and we're going to get together every now and then to go to the park or wherever you want, all four of us."

"I'll pick you up at school whenever I can, and I promise we're still going to spend a lot of time together, even if we don't live in the same place anymore," Jack added. "And if you ever need anything, you can call me anytime. I'll be here whenever you need me."

It was well past their bedtime when they tucked them into bed, after answering a million questions and giving them a million reassurances. Theo was easier to convince, but Lena had still looked at them like she didn't believe a single word.

You're a bad daddy. That one was going to hurt for a while.

Both he and Jack slumped on the couch afterwards with a beer. They felt as exhausted as if they had run a marathon without any sort of training.

"That could have gone worse, I guess," Jack commented.

Blaine took a sip of his beer. "Or better."

Jack hummed, a sound that could have been agreement, before he said: "Do you think they're going to hate us for this?"

"I'm sure they'll use it as ammunition when they become teenagers, yeah," Blaine replied bitterly. "I just hope we haven't screwed them up too badly."

"At least this is a relatively amicable divorce," Jack said with a snort, and Blaine chuckled, unable to stop himself. "I mean, we both cheated, this could have been a disaster."

Blaine scratched at the label on his bottle beer, lost in thought for a moment, before he said: "I still feel like the worst piece of shit in the world, though."

Jack sighed. "Yeah, me too."

At least they were in this together, still.

With how busy everything got, helping Jack pack and then move into his new place, contacting their lawyer to get the legal aspects of it all started and life still going on around them (work was as demanding as ever for both of them, and they still had two little kids to take care of), Blaine hadn't entirely processed what it meant that Jack was going to live elsewhere until the first weekend he was settled in his new place and he took the kids with him for a housewarming sleepover.

But once he realized he was all alone, it was impossible not to notice.

The living room was a mess of toys the kids had abandoned there after playing with them, and there were clothes on the floor in their bedroom. Everything looked like they were going to come back in five minutes and just resume what they had been doing, as if everything was just the same, nothing had changed.

But every single thing in their lives had changed, and this was what Blaine had been afraid of this whole time.

He knew that this was better than he could have expected. He and Jack seemed to be getting along now in a way they hadn't when they were still pretending they wanted to be married to each other. They had come together to make sure this transition was easy for Lena and Theo, and had been communicating really well with each other, too. Now that they had accepted their failure as husbands, they could focus on being parents, and they were a lot better at that than they had been at their other role.

He also knew that the kids would be back on Sunday evening after spending the weekend with their papa, but the silence and the empty apartment seemed to be closing in on him. This was the first time the kids would be sleeping somewhere he wasn't, and knowing they weren't right down the hallway from his bedroom filled him with a sort of anxiety that was brand new.

He didn't like it one bit, and yet this was going to be his life now: lots of weekends by himself in an apartment that used to be filled with children's laughter and cartoons playing in the background. No more family breakfast at the kitchen table with all four of them chatting about their plans for the day and cleaning Theo's syrup-sticky hands. No more Lena running into the living room to give him a hug randomly, just because, before running back to her room to keep doing what she had been doing. No more movie marathons on the couch, the kids between him and Jack, and a bowl of popcorn in the middle.

Realistically, he knew he could still have all of those things, that the only difference was just that Jack wasn't going to be there for all of them. But it didn't stop him from sitting on the couch now, feeling lonelier than he had ever felt, and bursting into tears, full of regret and longing for what he had once had.

Your voices recede and
Your fingers slip from my hand
White skies and silence
A lifeless wind burns through the Downland

The divorce papers arrived on a non-descript Tuesday morning, a lot sooner than Kurt thought he would see them.

Ian clearly wasn't wasting his time anymore.

Kurt knew this was what he wanted, too. He didn't want to stay in a marriage where he wasn't appreciated, where they weren't walking in the same direction. But the divorce papers felt like a sharp slap to the face, and after taking one quick glance at them, he put them in a drawer, out of mind, out of sight, to deal with later.

All he had to do was sign, but when he did that… he would truly be alone, wouldn't he? There would be no going back.

He looked around his silent apartment. He was already alone, even if he wanted to pretend he wasn't.

Arts and Crafts was one of Blaine's favorite hours in class, but it was also a big mess. There was paint everywhere and he knew he would find glitter in his hair for the next week, at least.

"Mr. Anderson, can I have some glue? Mine dried out!" One of the kids said, and he smiled and nodded before he headed back to his desk to get some.

He opened the bottom drawer and saw it. He had almost forgotten he had put it there.

Kurt's manuscript.

He had believed it would be safer to store it here, where no one could accidentally find it. He had been so scared of what Jack would think if he discovered that this author Blaine had vaguely mentioned meeting for work had taken the time to write a story for their kids…

It didn't matter now, did it? Everything was out in the open.

He grabbed the manuscript and flipped through the pages. Kurt had even made illustrations in it. He had put so much thought into this, and Blaine had put it away like it didn't have any sort of value.

There was a knot in his throat. God, he missed Kurt. Part of him had the feeling that, if he saw him again, if he could let Kurt wrap his arms around him for a minute or two, life would make sense again. Maybe he wouldn't feel as scrambled and out of place as he did now. Maybe Kurt could help him remember where he belonged…

"Mr. Anderson! The glue!"

He shook his head. He put the manuscript in his bag – the kids could have it now that there was nothing else to hide. Lena was going to love it so much.

Keeping this from them had been just one of many mistakes he had made. It was just one more thing in the long list of reasons that had cost him Kurt.

He retrieved the glue and went back to work, trying very hard not to think of Kurt and failing every time.

A cup of coffee and a glass of wine appeared in front of his face. Kurt didn't doubt it for a second before accepting the wine – he needed it.

"Well, now that we've established your life has gone to hell," Santana said, with her usual delicacy. "What are you planning to do?"

Kurt had gone over to their place after work, partly because he wanted to see them, partly because he didn't feel like going home. His friends had started noticing something was going on, so he had decided it was time to tell them about his divorce. He started with Brittany and Santana, but in hindsight, he should have started with Mercedes. She would have been less judgmental.

Yet Santana's emotional slaps were frequently a great wake up call, that couldn't be denied.

"I have no idea," he admitted after sipping the wine. It was a smooth red that went down like silk.

Santana sat on the arm of the armchair where Brittany was already sitting, and she let her hand fall on her wife's knee. "Maybe it's time you figure it out. You've been all over the place for a while now."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Do you think you could be a little gentler? I'm already in pieces. You don't need to tear me apart even more."

"What Santana is saying," Brittany interrupted before Santana could make another snide comment, "is that now that you and Ian are no longer together, you can finally go for what you want."

"It's not that easy, Britt," Kurt sighed heavily.

"Because the guy you want is married to someone else?" Santana said and Kurt glared at her. If this was her version of gentle, he didn't particularly want it. "Maybe he was supposed to come into your life just to show you that what you had with Ian wasn't enough anymore. Maybe that was his whole purpose…"

Kurt shrugged. He didn't agree one bit, but it wouldn't make a difference to contradict her.

Brittany reached for Santana's hand and squeezed. "I don't think that's fair to him, San. He's clearly in love with this guy…"

"Blaine," Kurt interrupted softly. "His name is Blaine."

Brittany smiled a bit at him before turning back to her wife. "It's obvious that Kurt's in love with Blaine. We can't expect him to just move on…"

"Okay, fine," Santana said. "But you need to start taking active steps towards being a little happier, Kurt. You can't be miserable all the time. You deserve better. And you've deserved better for a long time now. Isn't it exhausting, to always have to settle for what you don't want? Nothing's stopping you now. You got a job you like. You are getting a divorce. You have the chance to build whatever you want right now."

The problem was that, aside from Blaine, Kurt wasn't sure what he wanted. And Blaine was obviously not an option.

"Let's start small," Santana continued, when Kurt was evidently quiet for too long for her taste. "You say you got the divorce papers. Sign them."

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, that isn't exactly starting small."

"Still, it's what you want," Brittany said. "You don't love Ian anymore, Kurt."

"Yet you're still wearing your wedding ring," Santana observed.

Kurt twirled the ring on his finger. "It feels weird not wearing it."

"You're a walking contradiction, Hummel," Santana said with a sigh, like he was aggravating her.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He exclaimed, frustrated. "Not all of us get it right on the first try like you two did."

Santana's face softened and she wrapped an arm around Brittany's shoulders, pulling her to her side. "I know. But you have to make a decision. You can't have it both ways. You can't say you don't want to be with Ian and then refuse to sign the divorce papers and still wear the ring."

Kurt knew she was right. But doing those things meant he ended up absolutely empty handed: he didn't love Ian anymore, but he had risked it all for Blaine, and he hadn't wanted him either.

"There's nothing wrong with being by yourself for a while," Brittany said, like she could read his thoughts. Maybe she could. She was strange and fascinating like that. "You were someone's husband for a long time. You had to make a lot of sacrifices. Get to know Kurt Hummel again. Figure out what that means."

Santana kissed the top of her head, smiling. "My wife's so wise."

Kurt drank the rest of his wine. "You're right."

"What about the apartment?" Santana wanted to know. "Who's getting that?"

"Well, Ian wants it. He says he paid for it, and I moved in when we were dating," Kurt shrugged. He didn't exactly care. "He's got a point, so…"

"You can start by looking for a new place to live, then," Brittany said brightly. "An apartment you actually choose, that you can feel comfortable in. We'll help."

Kurt knew he should have started looking for a new place to live already, but everything had felt so impossible lately, like the burden on his shoulders was too heavy and he couldn't find the will to do more than the bare minimum to get through each day.

Santana glanced at him, and she must have noticed he was trying to hide just how miserable he truly felt, because she picked up Robin, who had been sleeping right next to them on his rocking chair, and put him in Kurt's arms, carefully enough that he wouldn't wake up.

"Here," she said in a whisper. "This should help."

Kurt smiled softly and kissed the baby's forehead. He knew her intentions were good, but holding Robin just reminded him of everything he had lost.

Everything he had never even had.

Most of it was his fault, really.

Still, he held the baby and hoped one day this feeling would go away.

As soon as Cooper was aware of what was going on, he took it upon himself to be there for his little brother. On the days Jack had the kids, he would stop by Blaine's place with a six pack of beer, or he would insist on going somewhere together. He started dragging Blaine along on errands. Blaine was pathetically grateful for it.

Cooper had accepted the news of the divorce completely naturally, like he had been expecting it all along. He made sure Blaine was coping alright, but aside from that, he seemed slightly relieved that Blaine and Jack had finally been honest with each other.

"Now you can both do whatever the hell makes you happy," he said the day Blaine told him. "And isn't that the point?"

And Blaine agreed – except that his life didn't seem to be particularly happy lately.

He was grateful, though, for his brother's company. On a Saturday, a couple of weeks after Jack had moved out, Cooper called him to let him know he was picking him up to take him out for lunch. Blaine didn't hesitate to accept the invitation.

They went to a diner a few blocks away from his apartment and they sat in a booth, greasy burgers and fries between them. Cooper talked a bit about his week first, pretending he wasn't here just to check on his little brother, but eventually started in on the questions.

"So how have you been?"

There was an edge of concern in his words. It had been there since the day Blaine called him and told him he and Jack had decided to get a divorce.

"I'm fine, Coop, you need to stop worrying," he said, as he popped a French fry in his mouth.

Cooper snorted. "That's simply not possible, Squirt. I'll always worry about you. It's my job."

"Not sure that's accurate, but okay," Blaine rolled his eyes. "I'm really fine, you know? It's a little difficult to get used to all of this, but I know we made the right choice."

Cooper sipped his milkshake and then grinned at him. "Well, I wanted to be delicate and careful until now, but now that it's been a few days… I'm guessing you're not exactly, you know… alone, huh?"

He winked at him, the bastard.

Blaine stared moodily at his burger, as if it had personally offended him. "Yup, I'm alone."

Cooper's grin vanished. He frowned. "What do you mean? I thought you would be with Kurt now that Jack's out of the picture…"

"Kurt's been out of the picture before Jack was," Blaine shrugged, like it didn't matter, even though it made his chest ache. "It's over between us."

"What? You didn't say that! What happened?" Cooper asked, as if this was the worst thing he had heard.

He could be such a dramatic asshole.

Blaine told him about Ian finding him and Kurt outside the hotel and everything that had happened since. He told him about lying to Kurt and saying he wasn't in love with him, about hurting him, because he wasn't ready to tell Jack the truth yet. He told him about feeling like he had gone too far trying to push Kurt away and how, even though he missed him so much it had become a physical pain in the middle on his chest, he thought he had burned all the bridges between them after what he had said.

"Well," Cooper said when he was done. He seemed truly stunned. "You've done a lot of idiotic things in your life, and I was pretty sure that nothing was going to top inviting your lover to your daughter's Christmas school play, but this just took the cake, Blaine."

Blaine frowned. Cooper was always saying confusing things, but this had to be the most confusing thing he had said in a while. "The Christmas play? What the hell are you talking about?"

Cooper's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He seemed genuinely surprised. "Kurt was at Lena's Christmas play. You… you didn't invite him?"

Blaine blinked at him, equally surprised. "No…" He said. "Are you sure it was Kurt?"

"Yes. I have absolutely no doubt. He was standing at the back of the auditorium. I thought you had invited him," Cooper commented.

"Of course I didn't invite him. That could have been a disaster…" Blaine replied. He bit his lip. "He was really there?"

"Yeah," Cooper nodded. "He looked… well, the way he looked at Lena as she was on stage, and the way he looked at you… I could tell he was head over heels for you already. There was something so sweet and yet so sad about him. You really didn't know he was there?"

Blaine sat back, exhaling. "No. No, I didn't know."

Why hadn't Kurt mentioned it? Why had he gone?

He thought of Kurt always wishing for a family, how he had instantly fallen in love with Lena and Theo… of course he had been there. He had written a book for them even though it was the last thing he wanted to do with his life, but Lena had asked for the Christmas elves, and he had done it for her.

And then Blaine had been so horrible to him when they broke things off, had said so many things he regretted…

"Look, I know you have just separated from your husband," Cooper said, more serious than he usually was. "But if you think there might be something there that's worth fighting for, maybe you should reach out to Kurt. At least to apologize for what you said, because I can see you feel really guilty about it. You won't be able to live with yourself until you make amends."

Blaine pushed his burger away, suddenly not hungry anymore. Everything in his life had tipped out of balance, and he felt queasy with every single step he tried to take, like he was just going to tumble to the ground.

He missed Kurt. He missed him so much he wasn't sure what to do.

So that was what he said: "I don't know what to do."

Cooper smiled sadly at him. "Do you love him?"

It was such a simple question. And Blaine found that the answer was just as simple.

He didn't lie this time. "Yes. I'm in love with him."

"Then you do whatever takes you back to him," Cooper shrugged, like it was the easiest thing in the world. "And hope that's not too late."

Blaine exhaled a shaky breath. "What if it is?" He asked.

Cooper reached across the table to squeeze his shoulder. "Then you try to find your happiness elsewhere."

Easier said than done, Blaine wanted to say. Kurt wasn't the kind of person you could forget about that easily. He was the kind of memory that remained, tainting whatever came after, because nothing and no one could live up to him.

But what do you say to the person whose heart you broke with the biggest lie you've ever told?

"How come we've never seen this before?"

Lena's eyes were wide, face full of delight. She reached out tentatively, little fingers brushing against the pages, like she wasn't sure she was allowed to touch it.

Blaine was sitting on the middle of Lena's bed, back against the headboard, Theo on one side, Lena on the other, and the manuscript that he had kept hidden for too long on his lap.

"It's a new story," Blaine explained. He took a deep breath and added: "Kurt wrote it for you two."

Lena blinked up at her dad. "He wrote it for us? For Theo and me?"

"Yes," Blaine replied. He brushed Kurt's name on the front page as tentatively as his daughter had touched the manuscript. He too wasn't sure he was allowed to touch it anymore. "It was supposed to be a Christmas present for you, but I… I couldn't give it to you. I'm sorry it took this long."

"Why doesn't it have a cover like the others?" Lena wanted to know.

"Because he said he wasn't going to publish it, to make it into a real book that everyone could buy. He said… he said this one was only for you," Blaine said. How had he not noticed that Kurt had been steadily falling in love with his children?

He hadn't even acknowledged that he had been falling in love with him. So maybe Blaine was thicker-headed that he had originally thought.

"What's the name?" Theo asked. "Of the story."

"It's called Remember the Christmas Elves," Blaine replied, and Lena gasped.

"That's what I said to him!" She practically yelled, the excitement getting the best out of her.

"Well, he remembered," Blaine said softly.

"I love the Christmas elves," Lena said dreamily. She snuggled closer into his side. "Read it to us, daddy."

He turned the first page and read the dedication: "To Lena and Theo, my favorite little readers."

Lena squealed. "That's us!"

"Yay!" Theo squealed too.

Blaine kissed the top of their heads and turned to the beginning: "Every year, as soon as Santa had come and gone, as soon as all the presents were unwrapped, as soon as the decorations returned to boxes and Christmas was as good as over, the elves were sad…"

It was a children's story, Blaine had to remind himself several times, when a knot rose in his throat, emotion getting the best out of him. Because Kurt had written a story about not belonging – the Christmas elves were only wanted for two weeks out of the whole year, and then they were forgotten until Christmas time came again. But the rest of the year they had to sit in a dark box and wait, and time stretched, and they were sad. He had written a story about the kids in the house where the Christmas elves lived growing up, about their parents not bothering with childish decorations any longer, about the magic of Christmas being gone.

He wrote about feeling unwanted, about the Christmas elves ending up in a garage sale, about a little girl and a little boy finding them and making them believe in the miracle of Christmas and the miracle of life and love all over again.

The sadness was hidden amongst funny lines and metaphors that the kids didn't quite process – it was a beautiful story for the kids. But Blaine, who knew Kurt, who was an adult, who could read right between the lines, realized that this was about more than writing a little story for Lena and Theo.

This was how Kurt felt.

Alone and unwanted and hidden away unless he was needed – he thought of all the times Kurt had complained about his husband only caring about him writing books he could publish, how his marriage had started to feel more like a business relationship. He thought about how he had made Kurt feel unwanted, too, and he hated himself.

He had gotten everything so, so wrong.

Theo was deeply asleep by the time Blaine got to the end, but Lena was wide awake, still too thrilled about this present to actually feel sleepy.

"Can you read it again?" She asked, turning her pleading eyes on him.

But Blaine kissed her forehead and shook his head. "Maybe some other time," he said. He couldn't get through it again. This one was going to be a hard one to reread – it would feel like his heart got ripped out of his chest every single time.

Lena sighed, clearly disappointed. "Well, then can we see Kurt soon so we can thank him for the story? I really loved it, dad."

"I don't know, baby." He didn't know, but there was no one to blame for it but himself. He really wished he knew when he could see Kurt again…

There was only one way to find out if that was ever going to happen.

It took a little convincing, but Lena finally agreed to go to sleep. Blaine took Theo away to tuck him into his own bed before he came back to do the same with her. And then, when he was sure both kids were down, he went into the living room and sat down on the couch to stare at his phone.

He hadn't talked to Kurt in weeks. He wasn't sure whether a message would be welcomed or not. But the least he could do was apologize for the things he had done wrong. And then it would be up to Kurt whether or not he wanted to keep the door open for more…

He typed a million messages, not sure which one was appropriate, not sure which one would get Kurt to actually reply… and in the end he decided to keep it simple.

Then he put his phone on the coffee table and tried his best not to check it every five seconds.

And it's cold, cold, cold, cold, cold
When you're not home, home, home, home, home
I sit and stare, I sit and stare
Into my phone, phone, phone, phone, phone

There were boxes absolutely everywhere and Petra had taken advantage of the one filled with sheets that he still hadn't taped closed and had nested in there, looking very pleased with herself and like she had no intention whatsoever to move. Kurt let her sleep, enjoying her quiet purring in the otherwise silent apartment.

Santana's metaphorical kick in the butt had sent Kurt into motion. In what had to be record time, he had contacted Ian's lawyer to let him know the divorce papers were signed and that he was leaving the apartment. Brittany helped him and soon he found a quaint little apartment that he liked. It was in Manhattan but it had easy access to Brooklyn, so he wouldn't dread the commute to work every morning. There was a lovely coffee shop just down the street, and it was very luminous. Kurt didn't need much more than that, not just for him and his cat.

Even though he was still heartbroken, he felt a bit more optimistic than he had lately. Of course, he still felt like he had failed epically, but at least now he could see what Santana and Brittany had told him: he had a new beginning right in front of him. It would be a while before he got an actual happy ending, but now he was no longer trapped in a marriage that wasn't what he wanted, and he had a job he loved. It was a good starting place.

He took a break from packing kitchen utensils and went out into the living room. He stood in front of the large window and looked down at the city. If there was one thing he was going to miss of this apartment, it was the view.

His phone buzzed. With a sigh, he turned away from the window. He knew he had left it somewhere but it took a while to find it. The whole place was a mess. Eventually, though, he heard it buzz again, and realized it was stuck between the couch cushions.

His heart almost stopped when he saw he had two messages from Blaine.

He let himself fall on the couch, staring at the phone but not yet ready to read what he had to say. What if it was something bad? What if right now, just as Kurt was finding the will to stand back on his own two feet, Blaine said something that left him completely devastated?

But what could possibly be worse than I'm not in love with you?

Taking a deep breath, Kurt tapped the screen.

[From Blaine]: Hey. I hope you're doing well.

[From Blaine]: That was a lame message. Sorry. I just wanted to say that I gave the kids your manuscript. They loved it. Lena wanted me to say thank you.

Kurt reread the messages a couple of times. A little warmth started to spread through him at the thought of Lena and Theo enjoying the story he had written for them. He wondered how Blaine had managed to give it to them without Jack suspecting anything. He wondered how things were going between them, now that Kurt was out of the picture.

He couldn't blame Blaine for choosing Jack over him. He couldn't blame him for wanting to keep his family together.

But god, it hurt.

He had no idea why Blaine had written to him. He didn't know what had pushed him to contact Kurt or to give the kids his manuscript. What if he was lonely and sad, because things with his husband weren't alright? What if he missed Kurt and wanted to resume what they had?

But Kurt couldn't do it. He couldn't be the one hiding in the shadows while Blaine pretended to have the perfect family life with someone else. As much as Kurt loved him, if that was all Blaine could offer, then Kurt had to step away.

He may have made mistakes, but he deserved better. And he deserved to heal his broken heart.

Kurt loved him. He loved him so fiercely that his love seemed to burn his insides. There was nothing he wanted more than to run back to Blaine and pick up where they had left off.

And that was why he couldn't reply to his message. He needed to keep his distance. He needed to make sure Blaine understood their affair was no longer an option.

As much as it pained him, he deleted the messages. He deleted his number.

He allowed himself one last night to mourn what could have been. He stayed on the couch and cried until his eyes hurt, until the pale morning light began to bathe the empty apartment.

Then he wiped at his eyes and told himself enough was enough.

The morning had to bring a new beginning.

I love that silver-grey first morning light
I see that fearless love in your blue eyes
Think I can picture some new shape of life
But now you're not home
No, you're not home

Thank you so much for reading!

See you next week!

L.-