Deadverse of Pool-ness: A guest What If?
Hey, hey, hey, whats up bitches?! It's me Deady. Now, you're probably wondering…or not "Deadpool, just what are doing this time? What took so long? Why are we just seeing you now? And why are you coming back on a What If? Chapter." Well, dumbass, it's because The Nerd is lazy and has had this in his computer to edit for a year! Now, I'm gonna be going in new dimensions 'n shit. Now, since it's a guest chapter, let's introduce the guest author! And who else would it be than the only schmuck who'd actually write for this fic other than the Nerd himself! You know him, you probably read at least one of his guest chapters, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits TERRANCE!
Huh!? Where am I!? How did I get here!?
You're at Da Nerd's house again.
Why am I holding this…DVD of… BATMAN AND ROBIN!? GET IT AWAY! *throws it to the wall*
THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!? *looks to disk* Oh shit! Batman and Robin? I fucking lo—Er—I mean, "ew, Batman and Robin? Who brought this awful (sexy) movie here?"
I am here to show you my adventure with myself. Cuz I'm that fucking awesome!
Unto thine story…I guess.
…
You don't…actually like Batman and Robin, do you, Nerd?
Pfft! No! Of course not. That would be…so stupid.
Play: Livin la vida loca
Somewhere in the U.S…
In the middle of New York City, on a no-nonsense day, where no absolutely nothing exciting is happening…at all. *window smash*
"DEADPOOL!"
*Everything stops*
Yeah, riiiight! This is me. You're probably wondering what happened. But I'm not gonna tell ya. So, I'll start from there.
*Everything resumes*
A bunch of thugs started to shoot at Deadpool, our great protagonist, as he ran away. To be fair, it isn't like he was escaping from somewhere, no, that comes later. Right now he was breaking INTO the building, not breaking out. "Talk about warm…Nah I've said that way too many times" said Deadpool as he pulled out both his pistols and began firing back, "Bang! Bang! Bang! Ha-Ah!" he laughed shooting more of them down with surprising pinpoint accuracy.
*blam*
"AH FUCK! My beautiful butt!" he cried as he looked at the person who shot him. Deadpool then put both pistols away and pulled out one of his swords, "Now it's personal." he seethed as the thug fired at him more. Deadpool dashed and jumped onto the wall to kick the shotgun out of the thug's hand before slashing his chest, watching the thug drop down before seeing more thugs with machine guns aiming at him. "Heh. Time to use my WHACHA!" he childishly held the sword asking for he thugs to start firing. When they did. Deadpool chopped almost every bullet sent his way into the thugs had to reload "Phew, I'm glad that worked. It hasn't worked that well since X-Men Origins." Deadpool took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders, "My turn!" He pulled out his pistols and began firing back. Killing all except two. The two thugs practically fell over in fear as the mercenary began to approach the two of them. "Now stand still." Deadpool said as he lifted his hand and pointed his pistol at one of the thugs.
*click*
"Aah, shit I knew I should've reloaded." he groaned as the thugs started to run off. Before Deadpool could give chase though, he felt someone behind him.
"Hello, Deadpool." said a feminine voice.
"Oooh~. I like the sound of—" Deadpool was cut off when he was certain he felt one and a half of his baby-factory golf balls shoot up his body, "OOF! aAH! OK fair enough…hold on…let me catch my breath."
*pow*
Deadpool felt pressure on his chest as he was punched in his chest, bursting through the wall and onto a van. "Second time. Brick edition. Heh" he chuckled as he slowly started to get up and looked at who did it. It was a fairly tall, and strong, red-headed woman. She wore a purple leotard with lighter purple leggings. She had golden shoulder pads that had spikes on them, and the spikes went down her arms, she even had a spike on the back of her hands. Gotta keep that pimp-hand strong…and deadly, I guess. Unusually she had a chain with her. She may be a fire-crotch, but she ain't no Ghost Rider. Haha, get it? Fire-crotch? Ghost Rider is on fire. He has a chain. She was the love interest of Absorbing Man D-List villain. Can it/Can it! She was also one of the founding members of the The Wrecking Crew. She is Merry MacPheron, the villainess Titania. "Damn Titania. You look hot as ever!"
"Flattery will get you nowhere" said Titania, practically gagging at the idea of being complimented or even hit on by the mercenary. She swung her chain at him and it hits him in the neck, a slight cracking sound sounding out, despite the loud sound of the wind blowing in their faces while the rode the tope of the van along the highway.
"Honestly, it would be better if you used a whip." Deadpool chuckled, cracking his neck in place before putting away his sword, "Sweetie. Let's tussle."
Titania smirked at the thought of breaking the mercenary in two. She dropped her chain and raised her first. She strafed slightly first before lunging at him and punching his chest. She then began to punch him again and again before knocking him down and pummeling him senseless. But for every groan he let out, Titania began to notice he was enjoying it. "GRR! WHY AREN'T YOU SUFFERING!" she seethed as she began punching harder, cracking his bones and sending enough force to put dents in the top of the van below his body.
"You want me to suffer? My beautiful queen. Anything for you." Deadpool said with a purr while wiggling his eyebrows, "Besides. I'm flattered you chose me over Spidey." Titania growled as she lifted up her fist and got ready to slam it through Deadpool's skull before looking up in surprise as both heard a car coming towards the van they were on. The van jerked to get out of the way of getting hit and sent the two rolling off onto the road. Titania groaned in pain as she held her arm, thinking she may have dislocated her shoulder upon landing. "SHIT! We'll play later, I gotta deal with Taskmaster!" Deadpool yelled out as he started running to a bridge. Titania slowly got to her feet and chased after him and came close when she saw Deadpool standing on the guardrails of the bridge. "Time to pull a Snake-Eyes!" Deadpool said with a nod as he leapt off the bridge leaving Titania to barely miss grabbing him as he landed on a car, "Keep driving please! Thanks!" The driver was shocked but complied anyway as Deadpool looked around. "Man, that live-action G.I. Joe film sucked, but he was the best part of it." he then saw the car he was looking for and began leaping from car to car, like a reverse Frogger.
A thug stuck out the window and started firing at Deadpool, "Now it's a party." Deadpool said before reloading one of his pistols and getting a headshot on the thug, then he shot the tire making it derail. Deadpool jumped from car to car again, getting even closer to the target vehicle until he reached the thugs and held onto their car as best as he could. Because of the blown tire, the car spun until it hit the sidewalk which caused it to flip over. "WHOAH!" he yelled as the car spun while he was basically log rolled with it until it hit a tree. Amazingly, he backfliped off and stretched his back before looking at he readers. What's he looking at? The sky? Sure…I guess? "Looking good ladies" Deadpool complimented before noticing the last thug. He quickly fished around before grabbing a back-up pistol and shooting him dead "There we go…er, I mean…OH NO! I can't believe he died in a car crash…after shooting himself in the head." he then shrugged before pulling out his phone.
"Hello?" a very exaggerated English voice asked.
"Hey Mason! I just want to say. I think we need to postpone that day. And remember to bring the cigarettes man…or even that blue stuff if you find any." he said before hanging up as he heard police sirens. He quickly grabbed a broken teleporter that he was so adamant on stealing when he broke into that building earlier in the chapter. Really, it was a miracle that he snatched it; it was just sitting on a counter! It did have a warning above it…something about bugs…but it could very well have said hugs!
Fucking cheesy you lazy bastard.
Shut up.
Deadpool activated the machine and soon was engulfed in a brilliant light. *Fwash* When the flash was gone, Deadpool found himself landing in a trash.
"Ooh hot hot hot." said Deadpool tossing the teleporter onto the ground, "Now where did I go this time?" he asked as he climbed out of the dumpster. He could hear lots of gunfire and lots of fire, and fighting.
*chnk*
"OW!" Deadpool yelled as he pulled a knife out of his back as he turns around to see who did it. Looking back into the garbage where he came from, he saw an imposing figure in an all-black, almost rubberized suit. "…Snake Eyes?" Deadpool asked, "Dude, I was just making a reference about you like five paragraphs ago!" The figure tilted his head curiously while he stepped out of the garbage bin before he spun a knife in his hand. The man was NOT Snake Eyes like Deadpool had thought, since he could not see the tried-and-true sword he would normally have. "Well I don't see your sword. So maybe you're not him." That's right Deadpool. Instead that there is instead Black Noir of Dynamite Entertainment and Amazon Prime's The Boys, fame. What? "Yeah, what I said. What? Really? The Boys?" said Deadpool as he pulled out his swords, "Okay, but it better be worth it!" as they both charged at each other and started clashing blades.
Deadpool performed a cross-slash on Black Noir who responded with even more slashes. "Damn. Your even more skilled than I recall." said Deadpool as Black Noir was much faster than he anticipated. The two continued going back and forth with their attacks, their blades bouncing off each other, sparks flying creating cinematic lens flares that blinded Deadpool slightly causing him to get stabbed, "AGH! No fair, you have cinematic timing on your side!"
As the mercenary and the ninja looking man were fighting, Homelander—or "Better alt reality bad Superman than Brightburn" …Overly long name. Shut up—went on a rampage making them both stop for a moment and stare at the blond man. "So Superman finally lost both his marbles?" asked Deadpool chuckling to himself as he gets up and stretches surprising Black Noir, "Oh, waitwait! Is this one of those Injustice universes? Or is he just another 'What if Superman was bad' type hero?" Black Noir just stared silently at the mercenary, "…what? I can make that joke. DC ruined it when they made like four different versions of 'What if Superman, but evil' in his comics." they both see Homelander laser eye an entire street full of army soldiers and other superheroes, "WOO! MORE POWER TOO YA SUPERMAN!" said Deadpool he then got hit by a stop sign, "Damn. Well, if that's how we will play. Then I'll just use…That brick!" he yelled as he put both his swords away and grabbed a brick as Black Noir swings the stop sign and Deadpool jumps in headfirst to whack him with the brick.
Deadpool barely dodged each attack from Black Noir until he hit his hand against the stop sign at an awkward angle, causing it to dislocate. "Oh…CANADA!" he yelled out again as he held his semi-limp wrist. "Great, now Fabricio down at the Happy Banana (gay bar) is gonna think I'm trying to call for him. But I'm not, Fabricio! It was only that one time…and the time after that…and the time after that." he relocated his hand and let out a deep breath, "Call me." Deadpool threw the brick at Black Noir's head as Black Noir retaliated with a much more forceful whack, sending the brick back towards Deadpool's face. And before he could follow up, Homelander landed nearby while they could hear sirens go off due to the force of him landing. "Oh my God Superman! Your…blonde" Deadpool laughed.
"Superman?..my name is Homelander" the man replied with a slight frown.
"You're not him? I mean you do give off the vibes. Though your outfit is much more awesome looking and..you're blonde." Deadpool said again, this time with a shrug.
"Is that a problem?" Homeland asked.
"No man not at all…you got kryptonite?" said Deadpool earning a curious look from him, "Ok…clearly, you're not Superman. My boy, what's for dinner? I'm thinking Mexican."
*zap*
In an instant, fed up with his antics, Homelander laser-eyed Deadpool, "AH FUCK…oh uh…okay." Deadpool groaned before pulling out both his pistols and firing at Homelander until he ran out of ammo. Black Noir then used the moment to try and sneak away. "I knew I should've grabbed the kryptonite bullet."
*ZAP*
"I am Homelander! Not Superman! And how are you still alive!?" Homelander yelled, his eyes red as he prepared to fire his lasers again.
"Well, HOMElander. I am Deadpool," said Deadpool, "You…actually might not have heard of me…huh-weird feeling. AAH!" he screamed as Homelander zaps both him and Black Noir. Deadpool was zapped in two while Black Noir was given a burnt mark on his torso. "Hey Homie." said Deadpool surprising them both as Deadpool raised his arm to stick Homelander the finger, Only for Homelander to zap it off "AHH! Welp, this will take a bit."
Black Noir dashed toward Homelander to sock him straight in the face. He then pulled his face into his knee before stabbing him multiple times. Homelander responded by punching Black Noir straight in the chest making him fly back while still standing on his feet. "Damn. More durable than I thought Snake Eyes-*Zap* ah fuck" said Deadpool as his body began to reconnect while Black Noir and Homelander continued fighting. He grabbed his teleporter before stopping and contemplating helping Black Noir. Deadpool got an idea as he grabbed his teleporter and readies his swords as dashes at Homelander who was lasering Black Noir. "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Deadpool shouted as he slashed Homelander's back several times, making him accidentally laser a building making it start to fall to pieces. "Whoops. But hey, it's not that different from everywhere else." said Deadpool with a shrug as Homelander tried to laser him in retaliation only for Deadpool to sock his face making him misfire again. This time hitting a billboard causing it collapse.
Black Noir quickly ran over to give Homelander several powerful punches as Deadpool kicked the back of his leg while Black Noir took this chance to slash Homelander until he felt a bit of rage. "ENOUGH!" Homelander shouted as he punched Black Noir sending him flying. He then turned to Deadpool and did the same thing. As Deadpool was flying through the air his teleporter started glowing.
"Whoop there I go" said Deadpool as he saw multiple soldiers open fire on Homelander before he layered them to pieces before Black Noir gets into a fistfight with him.
*fwash*
"WHOAH!" Deadpool seeing that he is sitting on the wing of a plane that was currently flying. "Pff. Who needs first class when you're not the worst class?" said Deadpool to himself as he drinks a glass of lemonade and looks in the plane window to see someone looking at him in shock...So Deadpool gave him the thumbs up "What could…you know I'm not gonna jinx it…or am I?" As he finished his lemonade and it slips out of his hand and flew into one of the turbines. "Ah shit."
The turbine started to burst into flames and the plane started going down. Deadpool clung onto the wing as best as he could while he started seeing the plane start to fall apart, "MAH BOI. THIS IS WHAT ALL IDIOTS STRIVE FOR!" he yelled as he slipped off the plane wing and started to see multiple pieces fall past him. He then saw one man kind of close to him, so Deadpool made his way over towards the man.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-*slap*" The man was yelling quite horrifically until Deadpool had him stop.
"Save your screaming. You'll need it for when you hit rock bottom" said Deadpool as he pulled out a rock, "Meet Dwayne." he said with a serious tone as he lets go of the rock and it shot down like a meteor "OK I had no idea that it would do that. I mean, physics be damned, it should be falling at the same pace as us! And the plane never should have exploded, they can fly on one turbine."
"What happens now?" asked the falling man as Deadpool grabbed a parachute from the plane debris.
"Heh…I recognize these areas. Here catch!" Deadpool yelled out, tossing him the parachute, "Just go to the right and you'll land by a hospital. You'll break a leg..or two but you'll be fine!"
"What!?"
"Happy landing!" Deadpool shouted as he delve further into the plane. He pulled up his mask to eat some flying chips looking around for a moment until he saw…them…A couple flying chimichangas left uneaten. "Oooo~ don't mind of I do" said Deadpool grabbing one and gnarfing it down before grabbing hold of the other and sitting down on a seat. He looked to see a poster of the Resident Evil movies. He pulls out his pistol and fires all the rounds in it. "For a falling plane. This is the life." He then eats the other chimichanga before his teleporter started sparking again, "Aw man but I never got to try the oth-"
*Fwash*
HOLD IT!
*pops in CD*
Play: Eminem – Mom's Spaghetti
Not the actual version? Ah well that will do. Continue please.
Look spaghetti. Its mine!
No, it's mine!
Deadpool crashed into a table breaking it, surprising a beautiful woman. "Oh uh…hey hot stuff. Gotta run." said Deadpool as he does a 'call me' gesture as he ran out the door to see he is in a prison. Wait, so was that a secretary or was she a super-hot warden? A bunch of security guards began pointing their guns at him.
"FREEZE!" One of the guards shouted out.
"Hm…How about: no." Deadpool chuckled, pulling out his swords as the guards open fire as he slices most of the bullets until they stopped firing. "Ah shit, I got hit by some." He then dashed over to slash his swords at a bunch of them who didn't run. Deadpool then got an idea and began shooting all the prison locks releasing every prisoner from their cells that he shot distracting the giant group of the guards as Deadpool slashed two guards before they could stop him. He sees a top security room as all turrets pointed at him and began firing. Deadpool quickly grabbed his pistols and fired back destroying some of them. "I hope I'm not wasting my time here" said Deadpool looking at the two cells. He looked to see a shadowed figure in one of them. "Only one person it could be. Going behind bars to making sick scars."
"EM! DETROIT IS GETTING FUCKED OVER BY NICK CANNON AND HIS MINIONS!" said Deadpool banging on the cell only to get no response "Okay, I guess you're not Slim…sorry."
*Record Scratch*
Ayyo, hold on.
What is it?
Do you understand how dated that reference is now? That beef is literally a year old, why would Deadpool be bringing that up now?
I've been stuck in your story for the last four years, of course I'm behind on pop culture.
THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
Deadpool turned to the other cell and saw a rather bulky man. "Hey bloke! You mind releasing me?" said the man as Deadpool shot the control panel as the chains around him released.
"Who the hell are you?" said Deadpool "Some sort of sex dungeon guard? Me likey what I'm seeing." He chuckled, making the man enraged before shooting the other control panel.
"Don't you know who I am? I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH" yelled the man who claimed to be Juggernaut.
Deadpool held his hand to his mouth and scoffed, "No you're not." Deadpool held his hand to the top of his head and leveled it out so he could see where he stacked up to this 'Juggernaut.' "See, you are only like three inches taller than me. The Juggernaut is like eight feet tall. So, you may share a name, but you are no Juggernaut.
"Yes, I am! AND ILL SHO-"
*BANG*
They both quieted down when they sensed a much more menacing aura in the other cell. "Who here is claiming to be Juggernaut?" a fairly large man, about as wide as a truck and large as a basketball hoop, said as he moved to the front of his cell.
"Ooooh. That would be him." Deadpool said excitedly, pointing to 'Juggernaut' and clapping his hands.
"And what's it to ya!" yelled 'Juggernaut' as a pair of giant hands pried the prison doors open revealing the man's 10 foot stature compared to 'Juggernaut's' 6'4.
"I'M THE JUGGERNAUT" said the angry giant in a much more gruff and menacing tone.
"Now that's who I'm talking about!" Deadpool cheered, "I remember him because he was in the sequel to my movie. Studio didn't have the budget to hire a new actor though, so they got Reynolds to do the voice work. That's why he sounds like he's from New York and not the middle of England." he explained while rubbing the back of his head.
"Oh really!? I'll show you!" said 'Juggernaut' (Big Gulp) as he charged at Juggernaut(Super Big Gulp) who smirked and held out his hands as BG performed a football tackle making SBG move slightly back.
"Hehehe let the real deal do it better." said SBG as he pushed BG back and tackled him sending him flying through the wall and out onto traffic.
"You sure showed him." said Deadpool as SBG grabbed him. "Not again."
Meanwhile
"Sir are you sure about this house 20 people died in this place." said a random real estate agent, looking to sell a house, but being a decent human being he did not want to sell someone a home that was haunted.
"Pfft, we'll be fine. We are incredibly stupid after all and…*reads script* nothing will go wron-" Before the man could finish his sentence, Deadpool came crashing through a ceiling and crashed through several set lights before falling to the ground and effectively stopping a scene from a film from finishing.
"Holy shit, you guys filming a horror movie here? Don't let me distract you." said Deadpool looking around and picking up one of the props, "Am I forgetting something?" Um…Juggernaut? "Oh right. CLEAR THE WAY WE HAVE A RAGING HIPPO!" As Deadpool had said that SBG burst through the wall, yelling at the top of his lungs as he chased after the mercenary. All cast and crewmates a run for it to avoid Juggernaut's dash as he chase after Deadpool, "COME AND GET ME JUGGER-NUT!" said Deadpool before snatching the movie poster and grabbing a chair to throw at Juggernaut as he ran into the street knocking several cars into the air. "Fuck. Ah well" said Deadpool as he pulled his stolen machine gun and fired on Juggernaut's back. Juggernaut responds by picking up a random car and chucking it at Deadpool who ducked to avoid it. Deadpool grabbed the stolen machine gun and fired that last of its rounds.
But, if things weren't bad enough, then more cars went flying through the air as Deadpool looked to see Big Gulp charging at the Super Big Gulp. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHOS THE REALL JUGGERNAUT!" Yelled BG as he charged at SBG, shoulder ramming him and knocking him over. SBG growls and gets up from his knees to punch BG into a car. He then smirked and he picked up another car.
"You go-OH!" Deadpool's cheering was caught off as he saw SBG swinging the car at him.
*Smash*
"D'OH! Jugger!"
*smash*
"Naut!"
*smash*
"It's been an honor!"
*smash*
"Fuck!"
*Smash*
"Ugh…" Deadpool groaned as he crawled out of the car and heared police sirens getting louder and louder "Every man for themselves!" he yelled out as he started running away before getting grabbed by SBG.
"No you don't." SBG said as he grabbed Deadpool and started smashing him into the ground over and over. He then stopped as he felt two snipers shoot his back making him drop Deadpool who took this chance to scram as all police open fired on him. This of course didn't really work as he charged and smashed through everyone in his way.
"You're not getting off that easily!" yelled a SWAT as SBG then performed a powerful stomp causing the ground to crack and many police cars and SWAT cars to bounce.
During this commotion, the Big Gulp Juggernaut started charging at Deadpool. "Came for an ass whoopin?" Deadpool asked mockingly as he dodged a punch before grabbing his swords and sending slashes at BG only for the swords to bounce off his helmet and arms. But he did manage to give his torso a few cuts. Deadpool then drove one sword at BG who smacked it away and punched the other sword away. Deadpool, quickly retaliated by throwing as many punches to his exposed face as he could. "Damn. Juggernaut's tougher than you. Hell, he's my one of my favorites" said Deadpool engaging BG as Deadpool spin kicks him as more SWAT members run in and started open fire. Bullets of course didn't affect either of them that much, but Deadpool quickly bounced behind a car. "Wait…did I forget something?" Deadpool asked as he scratched his head with one of his guns. As he was asking himself this, the car he hid behind got smashed, "Oh yeah the real Juggernaut. Still love ya." Deadpool winked and blew a kiss as the Super Big Gulp Juggernaut tried to smash him as he jumped back to avoid it as he felt more bullets penetrate his back.
"Right up main street. Oh God." Deadpool groaned as he held his butt in pain before spinning around. BG tried to charge at SBG who then banged his head really hard.
"Uuuh…I'm the Jugger…" Big Gulp began to stumble and he lost his train of thought as the concussion he received began to sit in.
"Apparently you're not" said Deadpool to BG as SBG looked at him "Oh.."
"I'm gonna rip you in half now" Juggernaut almost grabbing Deadpool who spin kicked his helmet. Only to break his foot
"OW! I knew I should've aimed somewhere else." said Deadpool as he stepped back knowing other things won't work, "I sure could use some Mom's Spaghetti right now." he then looked at the readers, "Tell Tom he made horrible decisions to delay my spotlight."
*everything freezes*
Ok so things don't look too good… either that or some left field shit is brewing. But you know. Making sense is like stealing a beer from Homer Simpson. It just won't work.
Why the fuck are you plugging a moral in? You're one of the last people who should be giving a lesson in morality.
HEY, FUCK YOU TERRY! Now I lost my train of thought.
*Everything began resuming*
"That felt like an eternit-OOF!" Deadpool was interrupted after feeling a punch from Juggernaut sending him flying onto an oncoming SWAT truck, "Just keep driving please." but then the passenger SWAT points his rifle at the mercenary. I guess they aren't friendlies. Deadpool sighed and punched through the glass and into the face of the SWAT officer, the resulting commotion caused the driver to make a wrong turn going off a ramp flying towards Juggernaut who was busy swatting away every SWAT, policeman, and vehicle that dared get close.
"Hu-AAUGH!" yelled Juggernaut as he got hit in his back. Deadpool jumped onto the truck, grabbed a paper and a pen and started scribbling what he saw was in the truck. A SWAT looked at him in surprise Deadpool shows the picture he drew that said "Hello!" as he the crashed through the back door and saw Juggernaut collapse once the truck landed on his head. "Ooh..." groaned Juggernaut in pain as Deadpool got up and pressed his teleporter repeatedly.
"C'mon c'mon!" said Deadpool nervously as he could hear more SWATs yelling as they are getting closer. But before the teleporter started to work. Deadpool than ran over to slap Juggernaut in the butt "Haha! WORTH IT!"
"That last one is over here!" yelled a police officer.
"Gotta go!"
*Fwash*
Deadpool landed in the middle of an office building, seemingly indifferent from the outside, but in reality, it belonged to a nefarious terrorist group who had been at odds with a specialized military outfit for decades! "Holy shit, Cobra!? Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" Deadpool shouted excitedly as all the Cobra guards stared at him in surprise.
"What…is this INTRUDER doing in my lair!? AND AFTER THE JOES INVADE NO LESS!?" said the leader, the nefarious Cobra Commander, with a hiss.
"Whoah, calm your snake nips, Commander." Deadpool said with a shrug. "Love the mask though." Deadpool emphasized his point by lifting his mask and checking to see if he had any food stuck in his teeth.
"KILL HIM!" said Cobra Commander as a big robot aimed its machine gun at Deadpool as more come in and started firing. Deadpool ran to the wall to jump off it, then he ran up the arm and stabbed one if the eyes before driving both his swords into the neck piece and pulling it out whole. A cobra soldier, out of fear, stupidly started to fire upon it, causing it to explode. "You idiots! Shoot him not the robot!" yelled Cobra Commander pushing a metal man aside, "Take care of this Destro." Destro, a metal man with a black jumpsuit that had a popped collar, a wrist rocket and a holster for his gun around his thigh, nodded and approached the mercenary.
"Yipe!" Deadpool ducked to avoid getting shot by the metal man and rolled behind a podium of some kind that looked like it had supplies set for a presentation. Deadpool quickly glanced at what was on the podium to see the Cobra plans which involved blowing up the Eiffel Tower. He facepalmed. "To blow up the fucking tower what the shit!?" said Deadpool, "That's the stupidest plan I ever heard. Come on Sommers, there was decades of comics with ridiculous ideas, you could have picked one that made semi sense. Hell, you could have ripped off those CG animated movies. I mean, the story of Cobra trying to melt the Polar Ice Caps and flood the modern world! That would have been INFINITELY more intense!" Deadpool avoided more bullets until the G.I. Joe soldiers burst in and started fighting all the Cobra soldiers.
Uh…Again? I guess? Didn't you say they were already here?
W-What? No, I totally didn't forget what I wrote a few paragraphs down. That would be foolish.
"Hi Mr. D. I hope you got room for me." said Deadpool to Destro, "Oh you're a virgin compared to the chad Colossus."
"I'll show you, ya damn gobshite fella!" yelled Destro putting up his fists as they shoot a beam of electricity, hitting the wall and making it to fall to pieces. During the commotion. Cobra Commander escaped like the bastard he is.
"Oh, I see your electrifying personality. No wonder you're a Destro Mr. McCullen." said Deadpool mockingly, "Is that what your family uses as an insult, Destro?"
"NOW YOU'RE GOOSED!" yelled Destro shooting another lightning bolt at Deadpool as the merc jumps to punch his face "OOF!"
"Ow..CANADA…AGAIN!" Deadpool groaned as he then kicked Destro's special spot making him hold it "OWIE! Like I said to Colossus: Your poor wife. Or should I say…wait…who're you bonking!?" Deadpool was then punched by Destro making him fly into a wall. He then grabbed the machine gun from earlier and fired upon Destro but all bullet bounced off his skin, however, he was still hurt by each one.
*Meanwhile a ninja way killing many of the Cobra Soldiers with his sword.
"Oi you know what ya fucking eejit!" said Destro "I had enough of you!" he began to charge the merc only for Deadpool to fire the remaining rounds at his head for every bullet to bounce off, "Ugh.. my head" as Deadpool then used the hilt of his sword to knock him out.
"Say nighty-*chnk* Huh?" said Deadpool as his blade was blocked by another, he looked to see who dared to oppose him. "Snake-Eyes!" he gasped, "Man you look better in person than you do in picture!" he jumped back as Snake Eyes slowly approached him. "Now I know you're a reasonable guy-" Then when all cobra soldiers started to retreat, a bunch of cobra robots started coming in, "So why don't I help you here and I'll be out of your hair! But I want you to know. You're still the coolest!"
Snake Eyes suspiciously looked at him before turning his attention to the Cobra robots.
"Sweet! Let's do this!" Deadpool cheered with a fist pump as he and Snake Eyes jumped into action slicing many of the robots down along with remaining Cobra Soldiers as when there weren't that many left.
"OW!" yelled Deadpool as he was hit with a throwing star before he attempted to pull it out. "Who the f-STORM SHADOW!? You know what. Pretend I'm not here. I'll let you and Snake Eyes do your fighting." he raised his hands in the air and slowly shuffled away into a corner. Storm Shadow took this time to lunge at Snake Eyes as Deadpool watched them fight in immense interest until the teleporter started to turn on.
"Aw man. But it was just getting good."
*fwash*
*Piano music*
Four foods with arms, legs and faces were walking in a line singing:
"~Let's all go to the lobby~"
Deadpool's hand grabbed the hotdog.
"Hey what t-*chomp*"
Then both candy bars get grabbed and pulled away faster than they could react.
*nom nom nom nom munch*
"~Let's all go to the lobby~"
Deadpool grabbed the soda.
"Hey wai-*sluuuuuuuuurp*"
"~Lets all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat~"
"Alright I think we did good. Right guys? Guy?" said the popcorn turning around to see his 3 friends gone. Only for Deadpool to grab him, "Hey wait put me down!"
*nom nom nom*
"Want some?" asked Deadpool.
I think I'm good. I just had that Candy bar
Sure, I'll have some.
*nom nom nom*
*Fwash*
"Man that hit the spot" said Deadpool, "If only if I found another chimichanga...now where am I now?" as he then looked around to see himself standing next to Venom. They look at each other and then at the city… before looking at each other again.
"!" they gasped in surprise.
"Who are you!?" asked Venom.
"Holy shit, Eddie!" said Deadpool "Calm down. It wasn't me this time! Wait did you just ask me who I am?" as Venom curiously nodded "I guess I don't exist here then. Heya, Eddie!"
"That's not me."
"You're not? Then who are you then? And don't say Venom!" Deadpool scolded.
"Venom."
"God damn it" said Deadpool "your probably just as stubborn as him."
"Why do you know Eddie?" asked Venom in a menacing tone.
"Well. We are friends. Along with Pet- I mean uh…fuck it I'm sure you know him." said Deadpool as he waved his hand a few times.
"You…were friends with Eddie!?" Venom asked with a questioning gaze, "I don't believe you."
"Well…kinda. We went on a bunch of missions together. And it was super fun!" Deadpool laughed, "So what's your relationship with him?"
"…"
"C'mon be honest and don't be shy." Deadpool reached his arm around Venom's shoulder, "I know I won't affect you too much" Venom was very suspicious of Deadpool but strangely he felt genuine to him.
"…he was my father."
"WHOAHO! Pump the brakes there! Eddie had a kid!?..well actually. I'm not surprised." Deadpool shrugged.
"…but do you know where we are?"
"Well, shit. I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Welcome to your doom! You two!"
"Who said that? Paul? Did your fucking wife hijack another franchise again?" said Deadpool "Because it's no surprise you suck at trying!"
"Paul? Who the f-oh forget it. Just…uh… *presses button repeatedly* OH COME ON WHY ISNT THIS WORKING! Wait…you're not Spiderman and Iron Man."
Spider-Man, gotta add the hyphen.
"…harsh."
"Wait…MODOK!?" said Deadpool "and you still sound like Remy. Actually no. Your voice is an extreme improvement from every other iteration I seen. That explains why we are on this big-ass airship though…"
"I uh… thanks? Oh well. … wait are you the mercs I hired?"
M.O.D.O.K flies from the higher part of the shop to them. Venom and Deadpool look at each other and then back at him. "If you got the chimichangas you got yourself a deal!" said Deadpool with a thumbs up.
"I need about 300 dollars." Venom shrugged.
"Cheaper than I thought. Thats a bonus!" thought MODOK as he fist pumped to himself. "Huh. Very well…I shall get started on them both. So just…stick around to get it." MODOK smirked as he tapped the arm of his floating chair with his fingers, "So, who are you guys anyway?"
"Venom."
"Deadpool. Merc with the mouth, skill Extraordinaire, and lover of women alike." said Deadpool doing multiple poses. Venom then awkwardly tried doing a superhero pose only to give up on it and face palm.
"Well… in a few minutes we shall change the city. By bringing it to its knees!" said MODOK, "Start the invasion!" MODOK's fleet then started flying towards the city as it started to fire some lasers and launch multiple ships. MODOK's airship flew closer to the city, then, a giant rock figure leaps up to the ship.
"OH NO IT'S THE HULK!" said an AIM soldier.
"No wait it's a rock." said another.
"That's not Dwayne Johnson" said Venom.
"It certainly looks like a rock with blue pants" Deadpool mentioned as he looks at the reader "(Of course I know it's The Thing. But he's no Hulk that's for sure)"
"Who are you talking to?" Venom asked.
"The readers."
"The…readers? Huh?" Venom asked scratching his head as he and MODOK try to look where Deadpool is looking only to find nothing, "…riiiiiiight…"
"MODOK. Why did you choose the Fucking 4 Bastard's territory?" said Deadpool as all AIM soldiers started firing at The Thing.
"Baby steps get you extra prepared Mr. Pool" said MODOK as The Thing lands onto the ship "Oh right. STOP HIM BEFORE HE RUINS THE CHINESE CHUNGAS!"
"Chimichangas" Deadpool corrected him, "(Obviously his name doesn't stand for Mental Organism Designed Only to Cook. Ameright, readers?"
"Seriously…who the hell are you talking to?"
"Oh sorry. Just attack!" yelled MODOK as The Thing swats away several AIM soldiers. Several others aimed their guns at The Thing and started firing at him as he then gets punched by Venom pushing him back.
"Spidey? No, wait…you're not him. You're certainly not as tough as him either!" The Thing taunted.
"Cmon and prove it, you big lug." said Venom as The Thing tackled him into a cartoon smoke fight.
Human Torch flies around to shoot fire at other AIM soldiers trying to shoot at him while Mr. Fantastic sees Deadpool and tries to punch him as Deadpool dodged it. "I see you can stretch your arms. But can you stretch your dick?" Deadpool asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows angering the stretchy man.
"When I'm through with you. I'll sew your mouth shut!" Mr. Fantastic growled in annoyance.
"Well fuck you Rothman" said Deadpool, "I doubt a lot of people would like to see it happen again."
"It's Reed." said Reed with a growl as he stretched his arm to punch Deadpool in the face.
"You better watch it! I know quack-foo!" said Howard the Duck coming in with the Fantastic Four.
"HOLY FUCK! It's Seth Green!" Deadpool laughed.
"Normally I like ducks. But you are hideous." Venom laughed as an enraged Howard the Duck tries to kick in, only to get swatted away, "Time for dinner!" Venom laughed as his tongue licked his lips.
"HolySh-"
*Chomp*
Many of the heroes who saw that looked at him in shock as Venom devoured the anthropomorphic duck and spitting out a few feathers. "…..what?" Venom asked with a burp, "Duck is good eating."
The Thing enraged charged right at Venom as he tried to punch him only to punch into the goop, making Venom smirk as he punched Thing in the face really hard sending him flying as MODOK Shot him with a laser.
"HOWARD NOO!-" yelled Johnny as Venom then webbed him and yanked him into Reed.
"Ain't no fucking way Johnny actually knows or cares who Howard is." Deadpool mumbled, "Also, Two for a kebob!" he joked as he pulled out his swords, ready to skewer the two. But before he could impale the two of them he felt an invisible punch in multiple areas. "Oho. I know what to do" he then cut his arm and waved it around, blood splattering, to see the form of a woman outlined in his blood. "I found you!" This time he avoided her punches with ease as he then tripped her making her fall onto her husband and brother. "That makes 3! Call me James Harden with these crazy threes!" Deadpool said with maniacal laughter as he brutally shoved his sword into the three of them as he looks at the readers "Oh don't worry. This is just a dimension none of you care about. The ones where I'm from are fine…I mean…probably?"
"NOOOOO! RAAAAAAAH!" yelled The Thing as he tried to charge at Deadpool as Venom webbed his feet before stretching his arms to stop him.
*Everything slows down*
Ok so maybe I may have gaslighted a few people. But just remember. I'm just that awesome.
*everything resumes*
"I can't believe it. I defeated 3 quarters of the Fantastic 4. This will surely make my victory more wor-OW!" said MODOK as he felt a laser shot his back as he looks who did it "CYCLOPS!?"
"Cheap shot I know but I was aiming for anything else!" said Cyclops as he shoots a laser at MODOK Even more until—
*slash*
Cyclops falls to his knees before splitting in half vertically. "That was surprisingly anticlimactic." shrugged Deadpool as he looks over to see a smashed rock, "You killed That thing as well?"
"Actually, that was him." Venom to a random AIM soldier who waves hello.
"So..now what?" said Deadpool, "I mean, with so many heroes gone already and in anticlimactic fashion life just feels so…meaningless. Like, I gotta sit back and think about this for a bit." Deadpool turned and looked at the city skyline with his hands behind his back, "Man…"
"INCOMING!" yelled an AIM soldier as they all scattered to avoid a bunch of missiles.
"Apparently we fight the military and then we take over the city" said MODOK as he shoots down a couple jets.
Later…
"Well that was easier than expected." said Deadpool as AIM soldiers marched through the city while he and Venom stand around drinking some Ale 8, "Damn. Your right these are good." as he gobbles some chimichangas down whilst Venom counts his 300 bucks.
"MWHAHAHA!" said MODOK, "Now that I've taken over the city. I'll…. I'll… ok I didn't think I get this far..." as four supervillains came to him, "Who are you?"
"Are you MODOK?" one of them asked.
"Yes. And you are?"
"We are the frightful 4. Sorry were late." said the woman as MODOK is left puzzled.
"Wait if you're the ones I hired then who are those?" said MODOK pointing to Deadpool and Venom.
"Hello gorgeous. We did your job for ya!" said Deadpool to the woman as the super villains grumbled and started to leave.
"OK then?" said MODOK as he flies to Deadpool and Venom, "Wanna help me conquer other places?"
"Don't think so. Bu,t" Deadpool started as he gives MODOK his card, "If you ever go dimension traveling you'll know how to find me" his teleporter then starts sparking. "Oh shit! MODOK it was nice killing with you but I must depart!"
"I won't forget ya!" said MODOK with a salute that couldn't quite reach his head, causing Deadpool to laugh.
*FWASH*
Deadpool lands onto a bush. He gets up and sees a young man has landed nearby. "Deadpool?" said the young man.
"Heya friend how are you today?" said Deadpool as he got up.
"What do you mean? It's us" said the man as he gestured to his body.
"Venom..?" Deadpool asked, almost in shock.
"Yeah."
"…you really do resemble your father." said Deadpool, "What do I call you?"
"Ashton."
"Well then Ashy. Wait. You came here with me?" said Deadpool as Ashton shrugs.
"I mean we both helped MODOK right?" Ashton mentioned. As then a bunch of people started running around screaming…then a bunch of Japanese themed monsters with swords come around wreaking havoc.
"You've got to be joking. WE ARE HERE OF ALL PLACES!?" said Deadpool.
"In where?"
"The Power Ranger dimension." said Deadpool "Though I'm not sure which one."
"Oooh…I'm not too fond of them normally." said Ashton as he sees five color people doing martial arts moves on many of the sword monster and their little samurai swords "I want to fight them." as he pulls up his bandana and had cracked his knuckles ready for a fight.
The Red Ranger then used his sword to slash down many Nighloks as the leader, Robtish watched in in interest while other Nighlok monster enforcers watched in interest. "Strange. The monsters look distinctly Japanese yet we are in a western town… are we in Hawaii?" Deadpool wondered as he pulls out his swords preferring the old fashion way.
"Oi.. that be enough fighting my Nighloks. Time to bust up a little nutter." said Robtish as before he could go. He felt a hand on his shoulder armor "huh?"
*Pow*
Robtish was thrown as many Nighloks surrounded Ashton. Then the Gold and Green Rangers jump in to fight some of them. "Stand back man we don't want you getting hurt!" said the gold Ranger as the green one fights off more Nighloks.
"Oh, I feel special." said Ashton ominously as he rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile Deadpool kills some Nighloks with ease as he then sees the Yellow and Pink rangers. He quickly runs over to slash more down. "Hello ladies. Your judge, jury and executioner is here." he said making them curiously look at each other as they watch Deadpool expertly kill more Nighloks.
Over to Ashton, he and the other two Rangers finished fighting off the Nighloks until it seemed like there was no more left. "Alright Antonio that's all of them. You prot-"
"WHOAAAAAAH!" the Gold Ranger yelled out, interrupting the Green Ranger as he was thrown across the area until a bench which broke it.
"Antonio!" yelled the Green Ranger as he turned around to see Ashton ominously close "!"
"Having fun?" said Ashton ominously as the green ranger got in his stance "OH am I scaring you? Hehehe…Good." as the Venom goop formed around him giving an ominous smile unsettling the Green Ranger.
"Oh no you don't!" yelled the Red Ranger as he slashed Venom's back to no avail. Venom smirked and grabbed the Red Ranger and slammed into the Green Ranger.
Deadpool on the other hand finished destroying all the other Nighloks.
"Thanks for EUGH!" said the Blue Ranger as he got impaled.
"KEVIN!" yelled both the Yellow and Pink Rangers as they watched him fall.
"Well I did say executioner." Deadpool laughed with a shrug, "Don't take it personally, you aren't real. This is all made up for other people's entertainment."
*Slash*
*Slash*
Venom then proceeded to chomp off the Green Rangers head off before doing the same with the Red, before grabbing the Gold ranger and chomping his head off as well. He then looks around to see more Nighlok monsters started coming in through the cracks.
"The power rangers are killed! Let us take over the world!" said the Nighlok leader as Venom and Deadpool awkwardly look at each other.
Much later
Venom and Deadpool both sat on a mountain of defeated Nighloks whilst drinking soda. "*sip* BWAHAHAHAHAHA" Deadpool laughed as he and Venom looked over at the conquered city, "Man it's fun to be evil sometimes, but then again in sure we count as in between."
"Nah I'm sure what we did is evil. But worth it." said Venom "Let's get pretzel dogs at Auntie Anne's"
"Pfft. That may be true. And for all we know there may not be" said Deadpool as the teleporter starts sparking again "Ah shit. Here we go again Ashton…. Ashton?"
*Fwash*
"Damn I may have alienated a bunch of Power Rangers fans, but then again, I'm sure they are fine." Deadpool said with a wave before he realized that he was falling, "D'OH! Well now I wonder how Ashton is doing."
Meanwhile to Venom
"Deadpool? You there?.. oh wait… huh… I'm back…." Said Venom as he sees he is still on his room.
Back to Deadpool
"You sure we should be putting this billboard here?" said Employee 1.
"PFFT. I think its fine" said employee 2. Of course, that confidence lasted not even three seconds as Deadpool came crashing through the billboard. "Shit" said employee 2 with a depressed sigh and he slumped his shoulders.
"OK if I'm falling, surely, SURELY, something will help…Thin man!? If you're near taking me into a tv would be real nice!" Deadpool said with crossed fingers as he was falling.
Nothing happened.
"Welp. I just said something stupid no reason." Deadpool thought about what to do as he lands through a blimp and into the cockpit "Hey fuckers I came to get you fired!"
Both the pilots screamed as the blimp began to dip. Thankfully it wasn't that too far from the ground. "No ticket." Deadpool said with a laugh, "See, that's a Last Crusade reference for all you kiddoes out there." Deadpool eventually got to the wheel and steered it as he sees a destination before leaping out the window like a madman.
Meanwhile
"OK. Been a while, I'm starting to think I'm in the clear." said Peter Parker before his Spider Sense went off "Oh No…" As if on Cue, Deadpool fell through the ceiling and landed on the ground in front of Peter. "DEADPOOL!?" Peter asked, "I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. Me and my big damn mouth." he mumbled and groaned.
"HEYO! You wouldn't believe the fuckng ride I just had!" said Deadpool as Peter looked at him curiously "Wait…Did I kick in your door last time?"
"Of course, you did you ass!" said Peter, "Like…almost a year ago!"
"OK so I really am back." said Deadpool getting up and dusting himself up and putting multiple bones into place, "Don't worry buddy. I won't drag you this time. As Terry wanted to focus on me this time."
"….Terry?"
HEY DON'T MEMTION MY NAME!
"Oh yeah. The readers of course." said Deadpool pointing to the audience. Peter looks to only see where his TV is.
"Deadpool you are insane" Peter said while facepalming, "First it was that 'bucket list' thing with your British friend. And now you crash through my roof!?" as Deadpool pointed his gun at him to quiet him down.
"Chill out man. I already told you. Nothing for you today." said Deadpool going into the kitchen to grab a soda and sit down, "Actually I do. But probably not what you think. Now sit your ass down."
"What?"
*Click*
"I SAID SIT!" said Deadpool as Peyer reluctantly did so "So. It all started when…"
The end
That's it? That's all you're showing? But what about all the adventures I was just telling Peter about!?
I think that's probably a good stop Wade.
Fuck you I wanted to hear myself tell Peter.
Wade, it has been a whole ass year. That is WAY too many adventures that anybody wants to hear about.
Poor Peter.
Trivia
1: if I catch the need cutting out parts I think are good. I will go after him with this gu- I mean uh…. Teddy bear… yes… Teddy bear..
2: I'm still in the box. Its been over a year and the nerd still hasn't found me.. unless…
Alyx: Originally Ashtin was going to have a small adventure ofvhis own but I decided to save it
4: Ashton is a character from my fic One-X made by yours truly. Which may or may not reference da Nard's stories from time to time
5: I broke 12 nuts today. I didn't say they were mine
6: "Can I get away with anything if I say it was a HEATED gaming moment?" – Roderick Heffley
Lucky 7: Mason was originally supposed to be in the plane. But I couldn't think of a good scenario why