Authors Note: Hi all, sorry for the long breaks in uploading. Writing is my passion, but writers' block is real, and I sometimes won't write for months or even years. This chapter gets heavy towards the end. I'll have a trigger warning just before that section, still, for those that are sensitive. Remus is having a painful internal battle with himself.

After the talk between Marlene and Elizabeth had happened, everything had gone back to normal. A wave of relief had washed over Remus body as he watched the two girls had walked in hand in hand. He could see just how much they both meant to each other. Remus wasn't one to believe in soulmates, but it was hard to not believe in them when you looked at Elizabeth and Marlene. They weren't romantic soulmates, but they were soulmates, nonetheless. They reminded him of James and Sirius. He envied it. Sure, they were all close, but James and Sirius were far closer than they were with Remus. He did his best to ignore it because they did everything for him. They put themselves in danger, just for him.

Saturday found Remus huddled over his favourite book in the library, the full moon was soon, and he was finding himself getting irritated over absolutely nothing. The common room was not somewhere he wanted to be. He'd already snapped at Peter twice over nothing. He was engrossed in his book when he noticed someone hovering above him. The one person he didn't really want to see was reading over his shoulder, "Can I help you?" He asked, closing his book and setting it aside on the table. George chewed on his lip, hesitating before finally sitting in the chair next to him. "I need to ask you something." He whispered in a hushed voice as Madam Pince walked past. Remus raised his eyebrow. What could George Murphy possibly want to talk to him about?

"Spit it out, Murphy. I don't have all day." George looked rather startled by the harsh tone in Remus's voice. "You like Liz, right?" Remus cracked his knuckles; of all the things George wanted to talk about was Elizabeth. "She's, my friend.". George let out a chuckle, "That's bullshit. We both know it. I see the way you look at her." Remus had had enough. He got up, grabbed his book and marched out of the library without another word. He heard Murphy's chair scrape as he went to catch up with him.

"Come on, Remus, just answer my question." Remus stopped and turned to him, "I did answer it. I told you that we are just friends; she's my close friend." A sly smile appeared on Murphy's face, "So you don't mind if I ask her out again?" Remus felt his heartbeat quicken. Why did Murphy have to approach him? "Do whatever you want. If you like her, go for it." Murphy patted Remus on the shoulder before taking up off the stairs, throwing him a smile. One that Remus didn't like. He knew where he was going. He knew Murphy was going to ask Elizabeth out. "Fuck!" he punched the wall beside him; he was too sensitive for all this. Why couldn't Murphy have waited till after the full moon?

"Remus, are you ok?" Remus swung around to see Marlene looking at him, concerned. "I'm fine. Just having a rough day." He replied. He noticed a small amount of blood coming from his knuckles. He tried to wipe the blood on his trousers, but Marlene had already noticed it. "Looks like it. Come here." Remus wasn't sure what he expected but was surprised when Marlene pulled out some plasters. "You shouldn't punch the wall when you're angry." He smiled at her as she gently placed the plasters on his knuckles. "I know, I know, but the wall was there." Marlene let out a chuckle, "I recommend a pillow for the future, not quite as hard as the wall but still equally as satisfying." The tension that he'd been holding in his shoulders left, and he smiled at Marlene. He would have to try out her recommendation in the future. Without another word, Marlene walked away, waving goodbye.

Feeling somewhat defeated, Remus made his way back to the common room. He paid no attention to his friends. His sights were set for his bed. He wanted to be swallowed up by it. The bed dipped next to him, "Moony, you, ok?" He turned to see his friends all looking rather concerned. "I'm too tired for this." Peter squatted down in front of him, "It's alright, mate. This will be over before you know it." He ruffled Remus's hair; a sweet smile played on Peter's lips. Despite being yelled at, Peter was still there for him. "Remus, what happened to your hand?". Remus sat up in the bed, taking in the sight of his busted-up hand. He'd complete forgotten about the pain that radiated down his hand. It was hastily bandaged with plasters. "I got in a fight…with a wall." His reply was met by laughter from his friends, "Why…. did…. you….?" Sirius wheezed, unable to finish his sentence. He found himself joining in. For the rest of the evening, he'd been a lot less irritable, his friends doing their best to keep him in high spirits. He couldn't wait for this to all be over.

Monday had been terrible. He was feeling lethargic, the effects of the moon hitting him like a truck. He couldn't sleep Sunday night. He could feel his bones starting to ache, which stopped him from sleeping. He truly hated what he was. He barely had the energy to shower, although James had threatened to bathe him, which had prompted him to leg it into the shower. As he dried himself off, he heard a light knock on the door, "You decent?" James' voice called. He unlocked the door for him to enter. "You look like hell Moony; you sure you want to go to class?"

"I have to. I don't want to miss today and tomorrow's classes." He replied as he finished buttoning up his shirt. James threw him his sweater and watched as Remus winced as he caught it. James couldn't hide his concerns. James always fussed over him when it was this time of the month. "Alright, but if you really start feeling like shit, please leave class early." Remus smiled at James, "Yes, sir.". James was glad that at least his best friend's sense of humour was still there. Once they were all down in the Great Hall, Remus became ravenous. he just couldn't stop eating. "Morning, lads." Marlene waved, herself and Elizabeth joining the boys. Remus tensed a little when Elizabeth sat beside him. Murphy's words playing through his head. "Slow down, or you're going to choke on your food." Elizabeth smiled at him, piling her plate with food. "I'm not going to choke." Although he promptly did. Which resulted in a firm smack to the back from Elizabeth, "Told you so." He let out a bark of laughter, surprising himself and the others.

James leaned into Marlene, "Looks like things are good between them." He flicked his eyes towards Remus and Liz. Marlene motioned for Sirius and Peter to come closer, "Well, I have news. Murphy asked her out yesterday." The three boys looked between each other, "Well?" said Peter, leaning in a little further to get closer to Marlene. "She shot him down. She told me that she kissed Murphy. Well, he kissed her." Sirius sat back; he looked over to where Murphy sat with his friends laughing. He was even sure he saw him scowl at Elizabeth and Remus. Marlene's revelation had shocked them. "I don't think Murphy's going to give up," Sirius replied. He watched as Remus and Elizabeth got into a heated debate about some book, the two oblivious to the others around them. "What do you mean?" Marlene asked. Sirius smiled at her, "He really likes her. I don't think he's ready to lose her." James nodded in agreement. "I don't think this is going to be fun to watch."

The first three classes had gone by painfully slow for Remus; he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. His head was banging, and he felt like the contents of his stomach were going to make an appearance sooner or later. He truly felt awful. No matter how hard he tried to focus, he just couldn't. He hunched over onto his desk, "Moony, are you ok?" James asked, patting Remus back. Remus looked at him with pleading eyes, "I think I'm going to be sick.". No longer able to hold it in, he promptly rushed out of the room, leaving everyone surprised, "I'm sorry, professor, Remus isn't feeling well.". James looked at Professor McGonagall, her eyes softened, "Mr Potter, could you please check on Mr Lupin and bring him to the infirmary." James nodded. He gathered up both his and Remus books and quickly followed Remus out. Once outside the classroom, he ran to the nearest bathroom. He was met with the sound of Remus throwing up. "Mate, let me in.". Remus unlocked the door, his face glistening with sweat. He took a piece of tissue to wipe the vomit residue from the corner of his mouth. Remus felt like hell. James discarded their bags and sat down behind Remus. James did the only thing he could think of, he patted Remus back. This was the worst James had seen Remus in a long time. "I shouldn't have eaten all that food at breakfast." Remus voice hoarse from vomiting. "Let's get you to the infirmary. There is not a chance in hell that you're going to the rest of our classes. Just rest as much as you can. I'll be back to check on you." Remus smiled at James. He really was thankful for him.

Remus had tried his best to rest once he'd gotten to the infirmary, but it was no use. Nausea had passed, but his body was aching even more. He hated the transformations, but he could not wait for this to be over. Once it was time, Madam Pomfrey escorted him to the shack. Remus was scared. He knew this transformation was going to be hell but with all his emotions running around like crazy he really started to fear for his friend's safety.

Soon after Remus arrived James, Sirius and Peter came, their faces more sullen than usual. "Money, what's wrong?" Peter, asked as he spotted tears flowing down his best friends' cheeks. Remus let out a sob, "You need to leave. I think this is going to be bad." Sirius scoffed. "Moony it's nothing we can't manage." Remus continued to sob. This was defiantly the worst his friends had ever seen him. "I'm scared I'm going to hurt you. This feels different. I feel more volatile." James, stepped towards Remus only to stop as he saw him shrink away. "Moony, we can handle it. We're not leaving you, no matter what you say we're in this together. You can try push us away but we're stubborn bastards." Sirius and Peter nodded in agreement. Remus went to argue with James only to be told to shut up and trust them. So, that's what he did.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide.

Remus woke the next day in the infirmary, body bruised and broken. Just by looking at his arms, he'd noticed the formation of new scars. He lay back and thrashed his head against the pillow, "Why me? Why is it always me!" he let out a hoarse shout. Madam Pomfrey came running over, "Now don't you dare hurt yourself further, Mr Lupin. I will not allow you to do that." Remus stopped, tears falling from his eyes, "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore..." He turned away from Madam Pomfrey; he couldn't stop crying. He wasn't lying, though. In truth, there had been many times in his life where he'd contemplated ending it. The year before during the summer holidays he'd locked himself in his bathroom. A bottle of pills in hand. He had spent a long time staring at the pills. He wanted to take them but a voice in the back of his head told him that he'd be destroying the people he cared about lives in the process. So, he continued to put on a brave face and smile. For the most part, he was happy. But if he died, then maybe all the suffering would end. His parents wouldn't be ostracised for having a son like him. They wouldn't fear him. His friends wouldn't be putting their lives at risk. If he just died, then things would be easy. Madam Pomfrey placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Don't say things like that, Mr Lupin. If you die, you'll leave a lot of people that love you behind. "She squeezed his arm, before reluctantly leaving his side to deal with a student that had just stumbled through the doors on the infirmary. Leaving him to cry himself to sleep.

It was about 6pm when he'd woken up again. His friends gathered around his bed. They looked fine, with a couple bumps and bruises but fine. A sigh of relief escaped his mouth. He hadn't hurt his friends. "How're you feeling?" Remus propped himself up onto the pillows, his body still stiff. "Been better." His smile didn't quite reach his eyes; he was sure his friends had noticed his puffy red eyes. They chatted together, all boys choosing to skip dinner, Remus had told them they should go, but the 3 boys merely said they wanted to spend more time with him.

They stayed and chatted for an hour, but they grew hungry and told him that they'd see him later. They were going to head down to the kitchen to get something to eat. He got out of bed, pulling on his jumper and cloak. "Mr Lupin, do you think it's wise to go back to your dorm. I'd prefer if you stayed another night so I can keep an eye on your wounds." Remus waved her off. "I just want to sleep in my bed. I'll come down tomorrow morning so you can examine how they're healing.". She reluctantly allowed him to leave. With that, he made the long journey back to the common room. He kept his head down and headed straight for the bathroom. He stripped off his clothes and looked in the mirror. He really was a sight to see. Many of the more minor wounds had already healed, a new pink scar in their place. Others, still viciously red. The most noticeable injury ran down his thigh, 3 claw marks etched deep into his flesh. The wound had oozed through the last bandage placed on it. He was thankful for the gauze and bandages that Madam Pomfrey had given him. He looked like a monster.

The shower felt fantastic; he enjoyed the sensation of the water hitting the lacerations, it stung, but it felt good. Once out of the shower, he dried off and began to apply the lotions and potions that he's been given. He needed help to get the cuts on his back. "He opened the bathroom door in the hopes that one of his friends would be in the room. However, there was only Frank Longbottom. "Hi Frank, any chance you could get James or Sirius for me?" He asked Frank, "Sure, I'm glad you're feeling better. We were all worried about you yesterday." Frank left and sent up both James and Sirius. His 2 best friends entered the bathroom and locked the door behind them; neither one had been sure just how bad of a state his body was in. "Merlin Moony!" was all the two said. They'd been surprised just how bad the transformation had been. They hadn't seen his body this beat up in a long time. "Can one of you help me put this on my back?" He threw the cream to them. They worked in silence; Sirius helped bandage his back while James helped with the gashes on his thigh. Once finished, they let him get into his pyjamas. "Moony, we heard what you said back to Madam Pomfrey." Sirius usually easy-going expression gone. Remus bit his lip. He hadn't realised they'd been there. "Promise us that you won't do anything stupid. We need you." James said. Remus sat there in silence; the truth was that he just couldn't promise that. "Where's Peter?" he changed the subject. "He's angry at you. You really made him worry.". He'd have to apologise to him. He'd never told his friends how he really felt about everything. They had an idea, but he'd never verbalised it till then. It had always been an internal battle with himself. "I'm fine. It was just a hard transformation. Seriously, I'm fine. I just got a little worked up." He did his best to calm them, "I'm just tired. I really want to sleep. I'll talk to Peter tomorrow." He left the bathroom and went promptly to sleep.

The next morning, he was feeling a good deal better, the wound on his leg seemed to have stopped oozing so after his shower he headed down to the infirmary. A look of relief had spread across Madam Pomfrey's face. She had expected him to have done something. She guided him to one of the beds and pulled the curtains closed. She examined his thigh, happy with the healing process. Once finished she looked up at Remus. "Remus, if you need to talk to someone, I can organise that." Her voice was soft, she rested her hand on his arm, "I just want you to be safe.". Remus thought for a moment. He appreciated the offer, but he couldn't guarantee that this person would keep his secret safe. "Thank you for the offer. I'll think about it." He smiled at her, she patted his cheek then left him to deal with other patients.

The Great Hall was quiet when he arrived, none of his friends were there, though he locked eyes with Murphy. He watched as Murphy muttered something to his friends, then stood up. He turned back to the food in front of him. He was ravenous. Murphy smacked him on the back, hitting the tender flesh that was healing. He audibly winced, "Good Morning." He did his best to smile. His shoulder throbbing from the pain inflicted. "It's all your fault." George sneered before going back to his friends leaving Remus completely confused. He wasn't sure what he'd done. But he didn't like where it could go, and he had a bad feeling that George was going to do something really stupid.