Evangelion: You Shall (not) Win This Time
Episode 23: Do (digital) Angels Lose Electric Teeth?/ Altered Episode 13 (actually) Gives the Bridge Bunnies Something to Do
(Warning: All intellectual properties belong to their respective original creators/current copyright holders. EVA to Studio Khara, Reality Warpers to Yoshi3000, you get the idea.)
(Opening Theme: "Reverse/Re:Birth" by Hiroaki Iwagana and Asaya)
"Continuing with the ongoing developments of known Warper group the Knights of Ryujin's partnership with Uzumaki Corp. in order to form Spiral Industries, co-owners Desmond Bishops and Naruto Uzumaki have announced a joint press conference regarding the situation and what this restructuring will entail for both factions in the near future. We at WNN will be continue to keep tabs on the situation and will provide live footage from the conference once a date is announced." went the Vados that served as a reporter for the Warper News Network on the TV as both the Knights of Ryujin and the Storm Dragons were in the midst of a brutal training session to not only prep for the next threat that would come their way, but also blow off some steam due to everything that had happened to both factions over the last couple of days. It was clear that Bishops took the Geist Fox's warning about RN to heart as the two leaders were going toe to toe at full force in order to further steel their resolve. The non-stop work lasted until the sun began to set with the results beginning to promptly show. Bishops and the Warper formerly known as Satoshi of the Order of Reality were in the Knights of Ryujin leader's penthouse drafting their press statement while looking into companies to invest in so they can build Spiral Industries up to at the very least where Uzumaki Corp. was before the Black Air Force gang and Rendo Nexus started really causing problems.
"Okay, so we're down for investing in XanTech, a couple universes' worth of Wayne Enterprises and Kaiba Corp., Multiverse Championship Vanguard, Hearts of Aura. com and a couple of Loveless' ship yards. I gotta ask about this one though: Carnal Desire Creations." went the leaf village geist as the Knights of Ryujin leader responds "That one I looked into mainly due to the approval rating. Cloning and gynoid production are big revenue streams considering the constant amount of horniness out in the multiverse. People are gonna get their rocks off within the terms of the Order's set if they wanna live to see another day, and if people like what comes out of this company that much, it might be worth it."
Naruto had spent the night prior looking into the owner of the business known as Carnal Desire Creations: a Warper woman scientist one could describe as a near identical copy of Highschool DxD's Rias Gremory with some notable alterations in the field of hair, eye color and a few other…..variables as one would call them. While she wasn't outright involved with the infamous Warper sex industry group Arcadia Erotica, it was knowledge that the scientist in charge did offer her wares as one of her revenue streams to fund her experiments and their unexpected byproducts. Returning his attention towards his new business partner, the Warper Jinchuriki answered Bishops' claims with "It's a risk, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to set up a meeting. How's that press statement coming along?"
"It's getting there." answered the active leader of NERV before adding "If you want, you can take a look at it and throw in some stuff that you feel is needed."
Bishops offered Naruto his desk in order to have a more comfortable reading and revisioning experience and after a few minutes, the statement was finally complete.
"This oughta sway people to our side.", said the leaf village geist as the Knights of Ryujin leader read through it, liking what he was reading before responding with the question "So when should we do the press conference? You and I both know WNN and other news outlets are itching for info."
"We'll do it after the canon events of your show's next episode are dealt with." answered Naruto before switching on WNN on Bishops' TV right as they had begun covering the end of a war between the cultists who worshiped the "teachings" of one "Chris Chan" and an army of the entity known as "Ugandan Knuckles", and how the spherical worshipers of "Da Wae" had decimated the believers of the Dimensional Merge.
"Good, the less people thinking Chris was either funny or believing in those troll induced delusions, the better." went the Warper Jinchuriki with his business partner responding "Let's be real, trolling Chris, or any other lolcow was never funny to begin with. Chris' trolls were nothing more than a group of people either intentionally trying to make a bad situation worse, or those who were actually trying to get Chris on the right track, only for it to blow up in their face. Oh, and don't get me started on Bob and Barb. Bob might've been the lesser of two evils, but he didn't exactly take the right steps towards preventing any of this from happening. But you can't stop malicious intent, and people are going to find someone new to make 'the new Chris' now that their golden funny farm is currently facing up to a decade behind bars, and the cycle is just gonna keep repeating itself. God, people can be morons sometimes."
Naruto replied "You aren't saying-" before Bishops interrupts with "Oh hell no, Chris completely deserves to be permanently off the internet, preferably in a mental institution. All I'm saying is the people responsible for helping things get as bad as they have shouldn't be allowed to get off scot free either."
The next day came the events of canon with all four EVA pilots set up in the simulation plugs as lo and behold, the Angel Ireul began their attack on the MAGI system. All four pilots were ejected, and Bishops was quick to give the order: "Get that freak out of our systems and locate the smaller, but just as dangerous freak that usually accompanies them."
STORM ninja were quickly informed about the situation as the other Knights of Ryujin were mobilized aside from Rei and Shinji who Bishops had mentally instructed alongside Asuka and Mari to just "Stay in the plugs and wait for extraction teams. It'll look suspicious if you guys aren't able to respond quickly once the battle's over and look at it this way: you four will be able to gain an extra power boost as compensation for your troubles."
Back to the situation at hand, Ritsuko and the bridge bunnies were fervently attempting to thwart the attack on the MAGI system while Bishops was secretly dreading not being able to just blast the Angel right then and there with his Unmaker without risking having his cover blown when a monstrous humanoid appeared on the main screen.
"Greetings, Lilin scum. I, on behalf of my master Ireul, Angel of Fear extend the message of resistance being futile, We recommend you and the rest of your ilk prepare to say your final goodbyes for once my master has completed his infiltration of your pathetic machinery, they shall be able to gain access to the weapons of mass destruction you vile cretins love so much, bringing forth your species' ultimate demise." went the herald as Bishops bluntly responded "Yeah, not likely, asshole. The same guys who beat the asses of everyone else who's tried to kick off the apocalypse will obviously make sure you meet the same fate. Don't know how they'll do it, but it's happening."
The herald answered, "We'll see about that, you weak minded fool." as the level 10 Warper mentally contacts his assistant and Johanna and asks "What's the ETA on killing this dipshit?"
Jessie's answer: "It took some jerry rigging, but thanks to a Warpspark and some ingenuity, we've managed to find a backdoor into the MAGI. We're sending in some of our strongest, but we'll need some assistance from your front."
"How so?" asked the leader of the Knights of Ryujin before his assistant gave the answer.
"That's the problem, it requires a controller to be plugged into the systems over there to fully establish a connection on our end. With that, our forces can go in under the guise of it being a game that the Angel had set up to quote unquote toy with us and give us false hope that we could beat it."
Bishops responded "I'll see what I can do, but it might take a while. Just get everything on your end locked up tight." as the Knights' side of the plan was already beginning to show with a prompt appearing on the main screen:
"Emergency countermeasure protocol initiated. Insert/synch control device in order to proceed."
The "control device" in question: a controller type commonly referred to as a "FightStick" commonly used amongst fighting game players as a demonstration of how this supposed countermeasure would work: essentially playing a "Bullet Hell" or "Danmaku" style game.
"Wait, so in order to stop this mess, one of us essentially has to play Touhou?" went bridge bunny Maya as Bishops was quick to respond "You know how?"
The bridge bunny's response: "I mean I do play as part of a few groups who try to get the best scores on the hardest difficulty the games have to offer…and I may or may not play one of the fighting games competitively…."
Bishops answers with "That's all I need to hear. I'm going to the server farms to make sure that this asshole doesn't have a way to escape into the internet, while I'm gone, someone get that girl a fight stick!" before exiting the room to carry out his part of the fight.
On his way to NERV's internet server farm, Bishops mentally went to the other members of his team "Alright, I have my end getting set up, should hopefully be set soon. Meanwhile, I'mma make sure these freaks can't escape into the Internet and pull a Skynet sized middle finger on us.", earning a "Roger that, boss." from Toji as the level 10 Warper had made his way to his destination. Searching out any and all power cords and surge protectors, Bishops made his way to turning off each server, flipping each surge protector's power switch from on to off, and unplugging each power cord to keep a Skynet scenario from happening and keeping the MAGI system is contained to its own isolated network. With his job done, the level 10 Warper's next move was to cut the time used to find a fight stick that clearly wasn't on NERV grounds by rush ordering one off of the Warper internet through his phone, which earned him the recurring gag delivery involving a cross eyed meme horse going "Hello." after landing on him. It only took another minute for him to get everything in place for the next part of the operation as Maya had found an open USB port to plug the fight stick in, selecting Ami as her character of choice.
(Track Change: "Boomer Kuwager Stage"- Megaman X1 OST)
The first stage of the countermeasure program resembled the mountain range outside of Tokyo 2 with Ami now under Maya's control blasting her way through Ireul's generated minions. And when Maya said that she was played for score on Lunatic difficulty, she showed her merit, effectively grazing and downing every attacker that crossed her path as she made her way to what could've been considered the first "boss" that she would have to encounter: the first Kaijin herald that Bishops ever fought. The bridge bunny was quick to catch on to her opponent's attack patterns and made quick work of it without taking any damage.
(Track Change: "Falcon Uncaged" by Brandon Yates - Death Battle Season 6 OST)
Next came the second "stage", this time set in the skies above Tokyo 2 and 3 on the path to NERV HQ. While it was more of the same as the bridge bunny continued to evade enemy fire while taking them down and obtaining items to increase not only Ami's power and number of bullet output, but the number of "bombs" in her arsenal to use during tight situations as the stage's boss appeared: a skeletal dragon with an Angel core mixed with Gourdian technology. It too fell in a matter of minutes as Maya couldn't be disturbed, for you see, she was in a state known by gamer-kind as "the zone".
(Track Change: "Roar of the Spark (Instrumental Version)" by Daisuke Ishiwatari- Guilty Gear Strive OST)
The digital representation of the former Daughter of Aku turned Knight of Ryujin had made it to the third level of the countermeasure program, putting her just outside of NERV HQ with enemies coming at her on all sides. Things were looking towards Maya was about to hit her first major snag by losing a life which to a player of a regular Bullet Hell game would be fine, but this was no regular Bullet Hell game. The bridge bunny knew the stakes were significantly higher than a mere spot on a high score leaderboard, which is why she pulled out one of the major plays of the Danmaku handbook: "Death Bombing", a technique that involves waiting until the split second where one would lose a life when getting hit to use one of their bombs to not only prevent the aforementioned life from being lost, but clearing out a significant amount of the in game opposition on screen. The opposition awaiting at the end of the stage this time: a seemingly corrupted human sized version of Provisional EVA Unit-05 now sporting eight arachnid like legs and having its left non-lance arm mutated into a muscular three fingered claw, all incased in a suit of green and black armor.
This of course got Misato to shout "Oh come on! They're copying data from the EVAs now?!", earning a "Quiet down, Major Katsuragi. Let the gamer do their part of the job while you help Dr. Akagi do her's." from Bishops.
With swift in-game maneuvers and sheer unadulterated will power, Maya was able to down the boss without getting hit once again, advancing to the next stage of the program.
(Track Change: "Unawakening Float (Instrumental Version) by Bently Jones- Sonic and the Secret Rings OST)
Stage four: taking place on the path down NERV HQ down into its deepest depths where Lilith was unknowingly to most held until Bishops disposed of it. The enemy count continued to rise as the bridge bunny was heavily focused on not getting hit and taking down as much of the opposition as she could. It culminated with the appearance of the "boss": another corrupted human sized EVA unit, this time, Unit-02 appearing in a more monstrous version of its "Beast Mode" from the Rebuild movies with massive plumes of flames billowing out of its back. The battle was fierce, but eventually with the help of another Death Bomb tactic, the battle was won…when Ami was sucked into a portal as the mutated creature met its final explosive end.
(Track Change: "Lunatic Clock-Lunar Dial" by ZUN- Touhou: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil OST)
Stage 5 of the "countermeasure protocol" saw Ami flung into a new distorted dimension where the most likely solution to continuing the mission was to clear the "stage" in order to get back to the bottom of the Geofront. More of the usual, right? Except the regular enemies were stronger than they were before with patterns that were less easily recognizable. This didn't deter Ms. Ibuki though, as she managed to put her years of digital foe evasion to good use in order to survive to the point of reaching the boss: a human sized Unit-00 mutated into being a six armed, one winged warrior armed with a scythe.
Seeing such a sight caused Aoba to go "Okay, if there's one thing that's cool about this whole situation, it's that this program knows how to make good looking bosses for an actual shoot 'em up game." with Hyuga answering "I know, kinda fucked up, but it's true.", earning both of them a side eye from the level 10 Warper hidden amongst their ranks that silently told them "Work towards a solution now, talk about shit later."
Anyone who's played Embodiment of Scarlet Devil could easily see some similarities to the boss battle with one Hypertime using maid often considered to be a Rule 63 Dio Brando in the form of Sakuya Izayoi, which Maya was quick to use to her advantage since the first of the "Windows Era" Touhou games was one of the ones that she would often revisit, allowing her to "easily" do away with her opponent when Ami went through the portal that had opened upon the demise of the boss to what should be the final major hurdle of the program.
(Track Change: "Sky Should Be High (Instrumental Version) by Daisuke Ishiwatari- Guilty Gear Xrd Rev 2 OST)
What most in the room assumed would be the last leg of the mission had begun with the calm before the storm being the fact that there were no enemies on the way towards what once was Lilith's tomb where what was thought to be the final boss of Ireul's personification was waiting for them.
"Fool! You may have destroyed the fragments of my herald that were sent to destroy you, but I will not fall so easily. Prepare to meet your end."
Maya's response: "Bring it on, you bastard." as the battle began. Bullets were evaded, bombs launched and massive amounts of sweat were shed from everyone but Bishops when Maya had seemingly managed to hit the killing blow, jumping out of her seat and getting ready to shout "One Credit Clear!" when the monster of the week goaded them as the program had yet to do its job.
"You think I would allow myself to fall that easily? How absurd, you Lilin swine. Did you forget that I have near full control of this system, and with it, this game. Now, prepare yourself for the terror of what you would call "the extra boss"!"
(Track Change: "Howling Moon 2"- Blazblue OST)
The Angel had decided to play one final middle finger trump card by calling forth the data of the other slain bosses in order to change form into a mutated EVA Unit-01 with a pair of demonic wings, three pairs of arms, razor sharp fangs, and armed with a corrupted version of the NERV weapon known as a Magoroku Exterminate Sword. Maya immediately sat back down and mentally cursed herself for thinking that it would be that easy as the real battle began. While this revelation came to light, Bishops was mentally contacting the others going "I know you guys are already seeing this, and I need countermeasures put into action yesterday because the Angel basically gave itself God Mode."
Shikamaru responded from the other end "We're working on sending in Johanna with a fix for your problem, but your bridge bunny's gonna have to hold out for a bit. I'd normally say what a drag this is, but keeping this from developing into a full blown shit show's got me too occupied."
Maya was doing everything in her power to do some, if any damage to her opponent as true to Bishops' statement, Ireul had managed to use hacks from within the system to basically create an nigh invincible barrier that was tanking everything the Lilin that dared to oppose it threw towards it. The only thing she could do is dodge the bullet patterns for as long as she could before taking damage for an extremely stress-filled ten minutes before her savior came in the form of the other Knights and the Storm Dragons finding a backdoor that Ireul left vulnerable to send in Johanna. The Unitrix was quick to do her assigned job by making contact with the digital terror and turning its advantage in the cyber world against it by giving that power to Ami along with one final bomb. This bomb: summoning digital versions of the other Knights of Ryujin to go on the attack in a Knights of the Round style barrage culminating with Ami and a digital construct of Bishops delivering the final blow just in time for Ritsuko and Misato to pull off their attack on the Angel, completely purging it from the MAGI system as Mana literally jumped from her seat, kicked it behind her and triumphantly shouted "ONE CREDIT CLEAAAAAR!" to celebrate her part of this victory.
(24 Hours Later)
Bishops and the Warper Jinchuriki formerly known as "Satoshi" were standing in front of a crowd of Warper press as the time finally came for the two to give their statement regarding the foundation of Spiral Industries.
"Esteemed members of the Warper community, I would like to take the time to thank you for making room in your busy schedules to hear what my business partner and I have in store for the new Spiral Industries." went Bishops before adding "Let's be brutally honest with ourselves, the Warper landscape has changed in the last year with the emergence of threats ranging from the Chris Cult, Warper communists that saw fit to try and conquer the multiverse, the Order of the Black Air Force Ones and everyone's dreaded enemy at the moment: Rendo Nexus. It has caused strain on the lives of not only those who've crossed their paths and lived to deal with the aftermath, and those dreading the day that these vile forces dare to set foot on their territory without proper protection. And even those we thought seemingly indestructible had to bare the scars of defeat. My involvement with the remnants of what was Uzumaki Corp's restructuring after the devastating attack on their home turf is something that I can only hope serves as a sign that threats like this will not be taken lightly, and that those who've suffered at their hands can return for their pound of flesh, stronger and more united than ever."
One Warper version of Brian Griffin was quick to ask "So what is Spiral Industries supposed to be contributing to the business world when we've had companies like Xantech have come to pick up the slack in Uzumaki Corp's absence?" to which Naruto answered "Production of products that Uzumaki Corp. already had out in stores or in development before the attack on our territory has already resumed and should be hitting store shelves in due time. As for new ventures, Spiral Industries intends to expand into multiple fronts, be it the medical field, the entertainment industry, commercial weaponry or the business of people getting their rocks off. We've already begun the process of looking towards both investments and investors to help make this happen and we should be prepared to announce new products once we can really get the ball rolling. But I believe with UzuCorp's fall has given me a chance to rebuild."
This led to a Warper Clark Kent to ask "And what impact will this have on your separate factions?"
Bishops answer: "An alliance between the Storm Dragons and the Knights of Ryujin had been in consideration before the rise of Rendo Nexus, I only didn't come to my associate about it sooner due to events in my universe that I'm sure those of you who watch the program observing my actions will recognize as being critical to safeguarding my universe to the best of my ability….for the most part. As for the impact of our partnership, both of our main hopes for this alliance is to set a firm groundwork for a united strike force that can easily combat Rendo Nexus and their increasing threat to the multiverse."
A Warper Aya Shameimaru then asked "But what about the in universe threat of your timeline's Angels? Are either of you worried that they and their heralds will heavily impede the progress of your company's growth?" with Bishops responding "We're halfway through the events of the show's canon, whatever happens with the remaining Angels, we'll deal with them before dealing with Gendo. It also helps that we have one of their own on our side after they had the secret revealed to them."
"Are you seeking protected status for this universe?" Another reporter asked them.
"Oh I have a feeling that's not going to be too long of a process to get." Naruto said with a chuckle.
The conference proved to be a fairly decent success in swaying public opinion of the newly forged company in its favor, leaving Bishops and Naruto to spend the next two episodes worth of canon to help speed things along since one was considered a glorified clip show and the other contributed little to nothing towards the plot overall. There was still a ways to go before the Warper duo could consider their ventures a success, but at the very least, it's a start.
(Ending Theme: "Aozora ni Naru" by Jon Hashimoto- Kamen Rider Kuuga OST)
Current List of Power Levels:
Desmond Bishops: 100,000,000 (Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)/ 5,000,000,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x50 Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)/(Super Spiral Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)/ 10,000,000,000 (Super Spiral 2 Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)
Shinji Ikari: 32,500,000 (Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)/ 110,500,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x34 Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Mana Kirishima: 6,300,000/ 189,000,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x30) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Musashi Lee Strasberg: 6,300,000/ 189,000,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x30) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Keita Asari: 6,300,000/ 189,000,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x30) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Rei Ayanami (Rei III): 13,700,000 (Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Toji Suzuhara: 7,200,000/ 244,800,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x34) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Kensuke Aida: 7,200,000/ 244,800,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x34) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Sakura Suzuhara: 7,200,000/ 244,800,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x34) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Hikari Horaki: 5.2
Misato Katsuragi: 5
Wynn Miyabi: 7,200,000 (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Eria Aoi: 7,200,000 (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Lyna Hikari: 7,200,000 (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Asuka Langley Sohryu: 8,000,000/ 192,000,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x24) (Warper Status: LV. 5)
Mari Illustrious Makinami: 7,900,000/ 189,600,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken: x24) (Warper Status: LV.5)
Ireul, Angel of Fear: 300,000,000
Ireul's Herald: 150,000,000
Ryoji Kaji: 6
Pen Pen: 3.25
Shigiru Aoba: 4
Maya Ibuki: 4
Mokoto Hyuga: 3
Ritsuko Akagi: 4
Jessabelle Musashi: 9,100,000 (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Fuytsuki Kozo: 3
Gendo Ikari: ?,?,000 (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Ami (Earth Dimension SJ-12639706): 9,600,000/422,400,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken=x44) (Warper Status: LV. 6)
Kaworu Nagisa: 16,600,000 (Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed)/315,400,000 (Max Safe Kaio Ken=x19 Metsu Sol Emerald Absorbed) (Warper Status: LV: 6)
Johnny "Gourdar the Never Ending" 2x4 (Earth Dimension EEE- Sigma-1451-B): 25,000
Dr. Frog (Earth Dimension LOSE-1018-Tau): 3,500,000/120,000,000 (Battle Suit MK.2 Overclock)
"Johanna": 20,000,000/170,000,000 (Ability Absorbed)
(Author's Note: We have officially reached the halfway point of Evangelion's canon, and it only took me...oh god, SIX YEARS. I'm just going to focus on the present and keep trying to get these out faster, but I make no promises. Which brings us to the coming events of the next two episodes in the canon timeline. Yeah, as I have previously mentioned in past chapters both on this platform and on the more newly founded AO3 account, there is a list of episodes I have planned to completely rewrite due to their lack of importance in the actual show (see the Girlfriend of Steel trilogy, altered episode four and the episode ten quadrology), episodes 14 and 15 were on that list due to one being a glorified clip show and the other not really contributing to the overall plot. So expect some serious changes to what goes down there when I get them ready for you.)