PearlM21: Questions will be answered eventually *grins*

Zeugma412: Thank you so much! Well, Harry is notoriously stubborn!

Hinata7: Aw, thank you so much! I have a lot (and I mean a LOT) of wonderful scenes planned.

Padme.G: Thank you!

"One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone."
― Shannon L. Alder

CHAPTER 3: The Feather

January 21st, 2002

[Severus Snape]

Severus,

Ginny is out at training this morning, but I would like to have you over at mine for a visit.

Please accept - I want to catch up properly this time.

Regards, Harry

Severus Snape sighed, folding the letter neatly upon its crease, and tossed it atop the kitchen table alongside a few other unanswered messages. There he sat staring at the messily inked piece of parchment for several moments until he blinked out of his thoughtful reverie and pulled out his own blank parchment. Retrieving the large black and grey spotted quill, he dipped it carefully within the inkpot and wrote back a response in his own sharp spidery scrawl.

He knew he couldn't reject the invitation again. Not this time. Especially if he wanted to avoid another impromptu visit from the Chosen One like he did the other day. He did not like visitors arriving unannounced, even Harry himself. These days he remained within his own solitary confines and safety net of his own home, and thus any disruption of that personal space sent him immediately on edge.

With Harry, he could be a little more tolerant. But there was a boundary he was cautious not to overstep and pull the now young adult away from his own family. He had already torn apart one family in the past – two if you include the Longbottom's - and did not wish to be another thorn in a field of roses. His dark petals had long since withered, and he did not want to taint another if he could help it.

Severus undoubtedly grew a little more anxious over the years, as much as he desperately tried to mask it.

Wrought with his damaged past, it was difficult for him to find any shred of normalcy within the public who were not all welcoming these days. Sure, the Ministry had cleared his name three years ago and that was made annoyingly public with the rest of his ghastly misdeeds. But not everyone had accepted that, and at times, Severus was still treated with hostility and venom. Potion ingredient runs to Diagon and Nocturn Alley were no longer the same, and he would usually try to avoid it as much as he possibly could. As much as Severus had people who supported him, he still felt a sense of rejection and loneliness and he knew that he found immense difficulty in life back within the Wizarding World as somewhat of a free man.

Whatever that implied these days.

Although he could not blame those still against him, it wounded him deeply. Very deeply. And he felt like he no longer belonged to the world he grew up in.

Once the ink of the parchment had dried, Severus folded the new letter neatly and handed it to his dark ashen grey eagle owl he called Onyx perched quietly in the corner.

"Deliver this to Harry Potter at Godric's Hollow – " He watched as his owl exited his abode through the single open window and immediately, a sense of dread pulled at his chest as he watched the bird with the letter, fly away into the cold and cloudy morning.

Severus knew Harry had previously tried to ask him about the book Rita had published and each time, he shut the Gryffindor down and refused to talk about it. He knew Harry's and Minerva's efforts to halt the publication had been useless, although he was quietly thankful that at least they tried.

Harry couldn't know.

That every day felt more suffocating than the last.

He couldn't know.

That every day felt as dull and mundane, yet empty and hollow as his own life felt.

He couldn't know.

That there were days he sat in the dark for many lonely hours, questioning his own reasoning for his survival and his decision to choose life over death.

He couldn't know.

That he was keeping up this pretense of normality and bliss, and yet neither of it was to be found within his waking hours.

He couldn't know.

That he spent much of his free time falling asleep on the couch because it was the only way to rest his broken mind if they were not focused on his own creations within his potions lab.

He couldn't know.

That everything seemed to be crumbling again into fiery ash as it always did.

He just couldn't know that he was losing strength again, with his mind withered and hollow. While everyone else was moving on with their lives, his own was at an agonizing standstill. After everything, this was the mere embarrassment of a life he was given, which was painful enough for him to ever admit.

Each letter received over time outlined yet another ally – friend was a difficult term for Severus to use these days - becoming eloped or having a child. Milestone birthdays were enough to make his own head spin, and career paths enlightened to him as from the students he taught under his own wing all those years ago. It was constantly overwhelming for him, so eventually he got to a point where he stopped responding at all. And yet his own life was still meaningless and devoured of a new purpose. Shutting it all out was really the only way he could deal with it all.

For a while after the Clearwell mission, things were seemingly normal and oddly fulfilling. He had begun a new job working with St. Mungo's as a Senior Potioneer, creating medicinal potions for the sick and injured. For a few years, he was able to work to and from his own home as he pleased, brewing potions as he was allowed to and submitting improved versions with the Health Department of the Ministry. His own potions became some of the groundwork for new remedies, in which he had his own hellish illness to thank for it.

After he helped re-design the curriculum for Potions class within Hogwarts utilizing healing potions as a new course module, he finally submitted and published his own personal work. His own creations for the public to use, ranging from the improved analgesia to anti-coagulants, healing balms, and several additional specialized remedies. His book, The Advanced Potions Compendium of Healing Remedies, Salves & Medicinal Elixirs, was a culmination of most of his own personal and improved brews, but not all of them. The Animo Silentium elixir, which he sold only privately and made an adequate bit of profit, was a popular potion post-War in which he kept the recipe a secret. The only other person who had access to it was Harry Potter himself, along with a few other secret brews and spells that he did not want anyone else to know. After all, he did not want all of his secrets known to the world and he had entrusted most of his own original creations as a part of a birthday gift when Harry turned eighteen. Something that moved Harry deeply and Severus could at least trust the work in his care on the chance that he would not survive past the illness that almost ended his life.

However, Rita Skeeter published her own book soon after, Severus Snape: Scoundrel or Saint? A new, sickening best-seller. Disheartened, his newfound reputation seemed to plummet uncomfortably quickly, and his colleagues had gradually reduced the work he received, until one day, they refused to allow him to brew anything else for them. The newly developed mistrust was a kick in the teeth and Severus felt angry and hurt, all at once. Losing his job was not something he ever expected to have to happen, and yet there was not a single thing he could do about it.

Who was going to trust an ex-Death Eater? He was an idiot to think something like that would last. Suddenly, he felt unsafe again in public eyes and thus since kept within himself and was a recluse as he used to be.

Since Poppy Pomfrey had already retired soon after the War's end, no one knew about his sudden unemployment. Not even Harry Potter, who lived in ignorance that his career was thriving, and his mind was kept busy and hopeful. Every letter sent to the Boy Who Lived told of busy working days, and little spare time. That was all a lie because it was quite literally the opposite. It had been just over a year since he became unemployed, and Severus' motivation and confidence had plunged with it. During his extra time, he had been working on a few potions which were more of personal projects and something to help get his mind off the loneliness and self-loathing that he felt on a daily basis.

And now, he felt like above all else, Harry finally deserved to know the reasons why. After all, he was really the only other person aside from Minerva, that he could truly and deeply place his trust in. He knew he could confide in the pair of them as they proved themselves worthy of it before, and that small fact helped him to feel a little less alone in this crowded world.

It was great for a while – blissful, even. When he was deep in his work, his lingering thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind, without any time to ponder and reminisce. His work, his passion, was therapeutic. And now with his job gone, he had far too much time on his hands and those long-buried thoughts now returned to fester in the forefront of his mind. And he hated it. He hated reminding himself what an utter failure he was now and that everyone he had ever known who happened to have survived, had somewhat moved on with their lives, and yet here he was, still the same miserable snappy bastard he always knew himself to be. No matter what Harry Potter thought of him, this was not a life he desired to live.

He, yet again, drew another one of life's short straws.

Severus was proud of how far Harry had come, and always will be. But there was a tinge of unfairness that Severus could no longer be there for him as Harry was growing up and very quickly. He was now married to a more important family and one that would do anything for him. He guided him as much as he was able to and yet now, he was at a roadblock. He had done all he could and had no choice but to watch him grow and flourish into his own, gently letting him go. He felt he had lost his place again, and the only person alive in his life that he had truly grown to care about.

And for a strange longing, amongst his own denial, he simply missed feeling needed and sought after. It gave him some measure of importance, not really found anywhere else.

Those three months after the Battle of Hogwarts had been some of the most profound moments in his life. On the brink of death, he faced his own mortality and morality and had begun to find the middle ground with the Boy Who Lived. Never would he have dreamed to have made it that far as to eventually admit his guilt directly and offer whatever he could to reverse some of the damage he made over time to the boys' life. His past behavior, he knew now, was uncalled for, and that constantly ate him alive. When the curse ravaged his body, he wanted nothing more than to will that all away – all of that guilt, remorse, and sorrow, for all of his mistakes.

To end it all. Forgotten, as he should have been.

And Harry had found it within that stubborn Gryffindor heart of his, to forgive him. To forgive a bitter and miserable man, despite the horrors and pain he caused to so many lives. He knew he didn't deserve that, even now. And for a while he wanted Harry to continue hating him because it made it easier and less painful weight to bear. But since being made to go into hiding alongside him, he began to learn far more than he had bargained for.

He began to care for the boy. His once ice-cold heart began to warm slowly for him.

Gradually the previous resentment and dislike he felt for him soon melted away, as he began to finally see Harry for who he truly was and not what Severus expected to see for so many years. Harry was not like his father and not even that of his mother – he knew that now. He was, in a sense, far better than the both of them and Severus had grown to respect and appreciate that with whatever was left of his own fragile heart. That respect then turned into something he'd never thought he'd ever feel – love.

Paternal love.

He began to care for the boy so intensely over time, that by the time they parted again, it felt like leaving a son behind. And eventually, after spending so much time with Harry, he allowed the boy to see Severus as he was, too, and not as one of many masks he had to wear tediously for so many years. Severus had eventually told him, against his own pain, that he wished Harry was his own, and that could have been true if he had not ruined it with Lily in the past. During that shock, Harry too came with his own realization in that time – he looked up to Severus as a father.

Their bond grew in that precious and almost cruel time, and they looked out for each other without hesitation or even a second thought during some of the most difficult moments of their lives. Severus felt a sense of need to care for him as his own and Harry turned to him for guidance as a father as they both struggled to deal with the aftermath of the War. Despite their broken upbringings they learned to rely on and place trust in each other and Severus, for once in his life, felt needed. And he did what he could. Not out of duty, but out of desire this time. And they both learned to love within each other that which they had painfully sought after, for so long. They finally cultivated what was previously denied to both of them.

But now as time flew by that bond slowly drifted apart over the years and Severus knew he had to finally let him go and stop hoping for more. Harry deserved far better than the excruciating little he could give. Keeping his distance, was simply the wisest option.

Now he was alone yet again, of his own making.

Picking up the edge of his usual black robes, Severus swept to his own potion's lab in the room at the back of the house and began to bottle up the elixir which had just finished simmering in the small copper cauldron only moments ago. The silver-pearly substance of the Animo Silentium dripped neatly into the small teardrop vial with his carefully steady hands, not wasting a single precious drop. Severus capped it gently with a tiny cork and slipped it within the pocket of his robes.

Steadying himself against the workbench, he allowed himself to take a few controlled, deep breaths in his bid to compose his now racing nerves, feeling tempted to take a few drops for himself.

For Merlin's sake, it's only Harry. Pull yourself together!

He didn't really understand why he felt so anxious. Was it safe to tell him? Or was he making a big mistake? Whatever his rampart thoughts were, he simply couldn't back out now. His mind itself was like a bubbling cauldron - Unsettled and potentially disastrous.

Perhaps it was the thought of venturing back to Godric's Hollow – the final resting place of Lily. The last time he was there was three years ago when he finally confronted the graves of his dearest friend and childhood enemy with Harry by his side. Together, they finally allowed themselves to mourn, and Severus was deeply rattled by his horrible mistake that cost them both of their lives, resulting in Harry becoming an orphan. It was a release that he needed years in the making, but now he felt uneasy venturing back to the village at the center of it all.

Eventually settling his nerves, he re-pocketed his wand and made an exit out of his silent abode in a flurry of his usual dark robes. Circling the boundaries of his property, he ensured the wards remained strong as he did out of habit multiple times before and once he was satisfied with its fortifications, he walked across the threshold and immediately disapparated away. He reappeared at the outskirts of Godric's Hollow and trekked quickly and silently through the light blanket of fresh snow that had dusted that morning across the cobblestone pathways until he reached the new home of the Potters. Admittingly, he had been delaying his visit and had never once stepped foot this close before since his last journey to this fateful village. But now that he could see the two-story stone cottage more clearly, he drew in a deep breath as he took long strides towards the entrance.

Glancing quickly around him as if to avoid being seen, he knocked on the door sharply several times, resisting the urge to shiver at the doorstep. He pinched the collar of his dark, almost blackened, navy-colored suit, trying to prevent further windchill from piercing his already pale skin.

Finally, Harry answered the door and immediately, Severus scurried inside to desperately get away from the cold. Harry himself looked pleased to see him, beaming upon his arrival. He appeared relieved, even.

Severus quickly dusted off the light snowflakes upon his hair and cloak by the maple wooden door, and nodded in response, observing the warm cozy dwelling around him, "Hmm. Very quaint."

The Potters' home was indeed far brighter and more welcoming than his own, almost like a less-cluttered extension of the Burrow. Harry and Ginny's abode was no doubt cozy and inviting, full of natural light and comfortable furniture. It was clean and well-designed, filled with things Molly and Arthur had likely assisted to put together. Some of the maroon-colored curtains were open, allowing some of the bright light from the snow-drenched afternoon, to pierce through. As he scanned the room in all of his curiosity, he noticed a few strange things, such as a small children's book laying idly on the kitchen table with a messy color-stained stack of parchment, along with an owl toy in the kitchen.

His dark eyes darted quickly to the wooden cabinet upon the entryway to find multiple photos on display – From Harry's Hogwarts days to posing with the Gryffindor Quidditch team, to random scenic photos, the obligatory wedding photos of the newly eloped Potters, and alongside, photos of Lily and James Potter. Severus heart skipped several beats upon Lily's moving, smiling youthful face, causing him to quickly avert his gaze before Harry had noticed.

There was a light chuckle from the Gryffindor, oblivious to what Severus had seen, "Mostly the Weasleys who know how to make it look homely. You should see the boring ideas I pitched to Ginny. She wasn't going to have any of it. The cupboard under the stairs is hardly a style choice."

Severus raised an eyebrow, despite his stoic expression, "I'm more surprised to see no Gryffindor banners and fanfare upon every surface."

"Yet, " Harry couldn't help but smirk, leaving Severus to roll his eyes. The Gryffindor motioned for him to make their way to the living room, whose roaring fireplace enveloped Severus into a welcoming warmth and removed the bitter chill he felt to his bones from the elements outside. It was far more endearing that his own cold and empty abode, "…I'm really glad you agreed to visit today. "

The pair of them sat down across from each other in separate sofa chairs, reminding Severus of their isolation days post-War at Grimmauld Place making conversations by the fire. The thought was rather pleasant and at that time he and Harry had made peace with each other, causing Severus to push away those past hate-fuelled prejudices and finally learned to be civil. As much as Severus didn't like to admit that out loud, he rather did enjoy it and the fondness of those memories were something he never wanted to forget. It was a rare comfort and one he held onto very dearly.

Severus steepled his fingers together and placed them neatly on his lap. His expression was stern, "I suppose it was about time that I did. Unfortunately, I have a plethora of time to contemplate and that is not always ideal."

Harry lowered his head slightly, "Look - I'm sorry I intruded the other day. I shouldn't have, I know – "

The Slytherin gently raised his hand to silence him, "No matter. It did catch me off guard, admittingly, but I owe you an explanation. Finally. A decent one, at the very least."

Harry shook his head, looking a little guilty upon the previous request, "You don't have to tell me, and I don't expect you to."

There was a soft pause between them as Severus took that moment to study the older-looking features on Harry's face. Gone were the adolescent innocent face before Voldemort's reign with the joy of witnessing magic at Hogwarts for the first time, and was replaced by more hardened, battle-worn features. The now darker green eyes had seen and experienced far too much for anyone of his age had ever dared to see. Harry had some light stubble accumulate around his sharp jaw, but now it seemed more like he had grown accustomed to the new style and wore it with a measure of confidence. Behind his messy hair, was the infamous lightning bolt scar which had now since faded and was barely visible like his own Mark unless you were close enough. There was a pang of guilt that accompanied Severus' gaze as the young man's appearance was forged by hardship but instead allowed himself to draw in a careful breath. "…I no longer work for St. Mungo's and have not done so for quite some time."

Harry appeared baffled, dropping his jaw in disbelief, "What? Why? What happened?"

Severus pursed his lips a little sourly, "There were a few – unsavory – people who did not quite welcome me as much as I'd hoped for. I managed a few years, at best, thus I currently remain unemployed."

The Gryffindor appeared speechless and seemingly still caught in shock, "Sir, I – I didn't know. You never told me any of this…I could have understood."

"No, Harry, you couldn't, " Severus grumbled frustratingly at himself, "I should have foreseen this. Cleared from the Ministry or not, my presence does not take kindly to certain workplaces. Especially after Skeeter's blasted book. I brew privately on occasion, but even so, that has not been all that successful. St. Mungo's no longer trusts me to brew for them all due to a select few naysayers. All they have to do is shout monster, and the hunters remain fortified together. I no longer felt safe to remain."

Harry undoubtedly, looked angry with the revelation, "Bollocks! So, now they're using your improved Potions, and removing you from their workplaces? How is that allowed?"

"It is because I stupidly signed its waiver long before. Had I known that they'd ever fire me, I wouldn't have done such a thing. It is now out of my hands."

Harry shook his head in unbelieving of the situation told to him, "But…why didn't you tell me before?"

"I am not required to indulge you at every whim, " Severus said, bitterly, "You have far more important things."

"I thought we moved past all that, though? After all we went through, you still have some difficulty trusting me. Why?"

"It has nothing to do with trust. I am…aware…of my unwarranted dismissal of you albeit recently, which is why I believed dealing with it myself was the best way to go about it. You have enough else to deal with, " Severus frowned, looking down at his hands whose clenched knuckles had since turned paper white.

"Now I feel like a big idiot asking you about work all the time, " Harry bit his lip, as he sighed gloomily, "Have you thought about opening up a shop somewhere? I'm certain I've seen empty shopfronts in the village center and even at Hogsmeade."

"I have contemplated it multiple times, yes. Perhaps when I, myself, are clearer in mind, then it's possible I'll re-pursue that venture."

"That elixir would be a good item to sell in-store, instead of by request-only, " Harry suggested, a little meekly.

Severus scoffed, "Far too dangerous, Harry. As with you not adhering to its recommended dosages, the wizarding community would also be prone to misusing it. I'll likely end up with a lawsuit, knowing my bloody luck."

"So, I was your guinea pig?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Nonsense. I was not testing it on you – I knew it was sufficient. It worked. Well, a little too well, I might add. Speaking of which, " Severus reached into his robes, withdrew the tiny vial filled with pearly liquid, and handed it to Harry, "Two drops, only. Not three, this time. When you need it. Do not force my hand, otherwise, this will be the last vial you see. Am I making myself clear?"

Harry nodded, "Perfectly, sir. No dreamless sleep potion to accompany it this time?"

Severus gave a deep frown in silent warning of his piercing gaze.

The Gryffindor did a double-take with slight amusement upon Severus' reluctance, "Okay, never mind. I'll try not to mess it up this time."

Severus sat for a few moments, watching as Harry twirled the vial within his own hand, looking relieved. But another set of footprints across the floorboards startled Severus by surprise until a tiny child arrived in the living room holding a white owl plush toy tightly to his chest. The young child, sporting short dusty-brown hair and bright blue-grey eyes, stopped between Harry and Severus, eyeing the new guest with intense innocent curiosity. Severus couldn't help but gaze back a little too coldly, silently wondering if he'd win the stare-off.

Noticing the short silence, Harry gently cleared his throat, "Teddy...This is Severus."

"Hello S-Sew...Sev...Sev'us, " Teddy was clearly struggling to pronounce the name, but he got as close as he could.

Great, a mini-Lupin in my midst. Spectacular.

Severus nodded rather stiffly, clearly not expecting a confrontation with Remus' child, of all things. He proceeded to raise a subtle eyebrow, "...Greetings."

"Sev'us?"

"…Yes?" Severus tried his best to play along, knowing his patience was already wearing paper-thin. He did not come here to be gawked at by a toddler.

"What's your favorite color?"

Severus gave a quizzical frown, wondering why the hell the child wanted to know, "...Black."

Teddy scrunched up his rounded face in obvious disgust, "That's not a nice color!"

Harry let out a snort, eyeing the exchange with amusement.

"What - " Severus exclaimed.

"Hmm...orange!" In barely a blink of time, Teddy's once-brunette locks transformed into a bright tangerine color, then suddenly morphed back to his previous in all but a few seconds. With a giggle, the toddler extended his arms out to his side gleefully, clearly quite proud of himself, "Tada!"

Harry chuckled, clasping his hands together, "Well done, kid! Hey, why don't you show Severus your drawings? You drew a really good golden snitch yesterday."

"Harry - " Severus tried to protest, but now he knew that there was no stopping it. He grumbled to himself.

Just deal with it, Severus. The sooner you can tolerate this, the sooner you can leave.

"O-kay!" Teddy's face lit up in delight as he turned on his heel and ran out of the room. There were heavy thumps on the wooden staircase as he heard the child ascend eagerly to the next floor.

Severus sighed inwardly, as he raised another eyebrow, "Boundless energy, that child has. What on earth do you feed it?"

"I did make him blueberry pancakes drenched in syrup earlier, so that's likely the culprit, " Harry smiled tiredly, "He's really not usually that energetic. But he's happy to see a new face."

Severus stared dully at the Gryffindor, "Remind me to never send him a beginner's potions set. You'll be cleaning up melted cauldrons faster than he can alter his appearance."

"He's actually more of a bookworm, like his dad. You should see all the books Hermione keeps sending him. He absolutely loves it."

Severus couldn't help but clench his jaw and huffed under his breath at the mention of Lupin.

Harry had quickly noticed this and sighed frustratingly, "Look, if I told you Teddy would be here, you would have bailed out like you've done before. I know you've been hesitant in meeting him. But dammit, Severus, he's just a little kid. I don't want him to ask me one day why the tall dark scary man hates him so much. You know that's not going to be a fun conversation to have. I am not my father and the same applies to him, too. We are all not our parents…I thought you came to realize that."

Severus couldn't help but curl his lip distastefully, "Lupin's spawn was the last person I wished to see."

Harry's frown deepened, "Don't be rude. The kid lost his parents, for goodness sake. He's my Godson and this is his home, too. Besides, Andromeda has been busy lately and he was left with me this morning to look after in the meantime. Cut the kid some slack and stop this, please."

Severus suddenly looked away, breaking the tense gaze between Harry and himself. He knew there was still a tad bit of resentment left as far as Lupin was concerned. After all, the werewolf got he and his wife killed leaving a newborn behind. The situation almost mirrored that of Harry, but regardless, he was as angry with Remus as he was with James when they should have put their wife and child's safety first. But Severus eventually sighed, knowing he should have known better. Harry was painfully right – Severus had already judged the kid based on his parents, much like he had done with Harry for so many years. He knew at that point he had crossed a line again and he couldn't help but fall back accidentally on an old bitter past.

One he tried so hard to escape from.

Severus, you stupid fool. You hypocritical, repulsive, vile fool. You ruin everything.

Severus suddenly felt a light tug on his robes, as he looked down to find Teddy handing him an entire stack of art books. Gathering the rest of his sanity and shred of patience, he arched his head towards the child, "You're a speedy one."

Teddy then proceeded to dump the remaining books directly onto his lap, causing Severus to recoil back suddenly and Harry stifled a chuckle while Severus shot a darkened glare in return. He did his best not to curse aloud as he slowly re-stacked the books neatly beside him, much to his increasing effort. Severus watched as Teddy jumped eagerly onto the larger sofa between the pair and began to draw with the littered colored crayons in the small pencil case in his grasp. The Slytherin observed him with interest, watching the child scribbling madly upon the parchment, immersed in his own little world and now oblivious to everything else around him.

Eventually, he softened his hardened, rigid gaze.

Harry smiled lovingly at Teddy, "He's a good kid."

"You have an unwavering patience."

"I have to be. I want to give him what I never had. What his parents would have wanted. I love him like my own, Severus, and I refuse to give up on him."

An ever-so-small twitch of a smile curved upon Severus' face, before it faded once again. The familiarity of those words struck a tight chord within his chest, "…Quite the added responsibility."

Harry nodded, "Yeah, but I'm thankful for it."

There was another pause between the pair, as they exchanged a look of melancholy recollection. A familiarity of the moments they shared, re-connecting in a better way. Reaching into his sleeve, Harry retrieved his holly wand and flourished it in the air, recognized by Severus as the summoning charm. Moments later something large, red, and shimmering gold whirled through the house and settled neatly into the palm of Harry's hand before he extended it out for Severus to take.

It was a feather from Fawkes the phoenix – the one left behind during the pairs' visit to the graves of Lily and James Potter almost four years ago.

Harry gave a small smile, "…Remember this?"

Severus observed the feather gently within his hands, turning it over several times to admire its delicate golden-red sheen reflecting from the light of the fireplace. Severus gave a small smile in return, almost feeling the warmth from the object as the Phoenix it once belonged to as a reminder of what it represented. The power of the feather was a symbol of the healing both Harry and Severus underwent to mend their broken relationship and shared past. The illness and near-death of Severus enabled him to re-connect with Harry and learned to release the weight of their mistakes that was anchoring them both down into the depths. His slender fingers traced each shimmering blade so methodically.

"...You kept it?"

Harry shrugged lightly, "Well I wasn't exactly planning on throwing it out."

Now Severus felt even more guilty for ignoring the boy's letters for so long in his bid to deal with the darkness in his own life. By pushing Harry away, he did more harm than good and soon realized the importance of their second chance to keep their bond intact. He felt he needed time to process it all, but now he had come to realize that he was hurting the only real bond, or relationship even, he had left within his life. The same thing that happened with Lily all those long years ago. He just couldn't let that shatter again.

But he felt so lost, still. What do you do when your own mind is self-sabotaging any chance of a real life? A sense of belonging, or contentment. Happiness was far out of his feeble reach, but he did not remember the last time he was truly happy. It was so long now that he had forgotten what that felt like. If ever a time existed.

Severus' mind trailed again, and Harry eyed him with concern, "…Come back to Hogwarts."

"No!" Severus hissed, suddenly tossing the feather carelessly to the coffee table beside him.

"Surely, she'll be able to find work for you?" Harry paused for a few moments, before continuing, "She's asked you before, hasn't she?"

Severus shook his head vehemently, "Are you daft? I cannot go back. That is a terrible blo - idea."

Harry let out a heavy sigh, as he did his best to control his tone of voice, "She's always asking me about you because you've been ignoring her, too. I can't keep telling her that you're fine because you clearly aren't. Like me, she sees right through that."

…Those blasted letters.

Yes, Minerva had also been trying to communicate with him over time. But he had seemingly ignored the frequent letters asking him to return to Hogwarts. It was not like he ever wanted to return, but she had no idea that he was actually jobless at this point in time and not rejecting her offer because he was occupied with other things. He just did not know if he wanted to re-pursue that again, especially after everything that had escalated because of his role as Death Eater turned Headmaster. Guilt had riddled every bone in his body ever since and going back would tear his heart apart again. The thought of all those students he could not completely protect under the tyranny of the Carrows left a tear within his soul he may never be able to repair.

What good would he be if he were to return? To the same location he ended Albus' life? To the same grounds he was mercilessly tormented on by the Marauders in his youth? To the same dungeons he often retreated back to, in order to silence his own mind? To the same dark forest he frequently escaped to, because everything else in his life was deafening and chaotic?

He was not the man for the job, and he knew it. He very well knew he could not endure that again, and he feared what kind of person he'd be if he chose to return. Would he fall back into his own ways? Will he be, yet again, despised by students and staff?

Hated by all?

There was a time when he did not care for such things. He wouldn't care if a student glared darkly at him when he deducted house points or sent them scrubbing bed pans or crusty cauldrons without magic. He did not care when students swore at him or frequently misbehaved. He would deal with it all with a smug expression, deducting points and assigning detentions much to his cunning spitefulness. He never cared for wounding the feelings of a hormonal teenager as he berated them for misbehaving. There was a time when he felt such a twisted joy in said retaliation.

But the truth was – the thought alone now seemed to bother him. Severus knew very well that things were different now. That he was different now, somewhat. As much of a hermit he chose to be, there was a part of him far deep down which actually cared what people had thought. All his life he was judged by what was on the surface when nobody cared to know him from within. Not that he had much choice in the matter. However, that notion had always followed him into adulthood, that is of course when the truth was finally known. And now everyone knew about what he had done for the wizarding world and his tedious mission in the long game to bring down Tom Riddle from within. Despite his own humiliation about it all, he felt uneasy about his truth now known and that had changed much of the perception of what people now thought of him. Of course, many still held an understandable resentment, but many had also come to respect him.

And that alone was an odd thing to consider, even now. He just wasn't ready for that acceptance just yet.

Severus gently cleared his throat, lowering his voice slightly as if not to distract the occupied child sitting quietly between them, "Harry Potter, I do not know what you wish to hear from me, and I will not lie to you to make you feel better. People drift apart, and that is a normal part of life. Whether we like it or not."

"But I don't like it. We've sent you invitations to Christmas, Easter, and birthdays…I would have liked for you to have been there for my twentieth…Even Professor McGonagall expressed her wish to see you there."

Severus sighed frustratingly under his breath, "I cannot face people as simply as you do, Harry. You know this. I am still looked at as the enemy. I can barely do a potions supply run at Diagon Alley without some of the locals filthily sneering at me like I'm nothing more than the scum beneath their shoes. I am not all well-received; thus, it is easier if I just stay away from it all."

The Gryffindor's voice softened, "But not everyone sees you that way. You can pretend to be happy alone where you are, and honestly…I can tell that you're not."

"I am perfectly fine on my own and I do not need that to be dictated by a Gryffindor, of all people, " Severus leaned forward and pushed up from the sofa, standing to attempt to make his exit. This was usually his way of cutting short a conversation he couldn't bear to finish. It was either that or an explosive argument, that which he would not be able to emotionally endure at this point. He just wanted to be back in the lonely yet secure confines of his home.

Soon, Harry followed suit, shrugging helplessly as he went after him.

"Bye, Sev'us!" Teddy finally looked up from his parchment and waved with his tiny color-stained hands, as Severus clenched his jaw whilst he exited the room without a single response to the child.

Severus strode away as he made his way to the foyer desperate to leave, but he could hear the Gryffindor following him from behind.

"Sir – wait."

Severus stopped in his tracks by the front door and slowly turned to face Harry without a word.

Harry dug his hands deep into his jean pockets, looking back to make sure Teddy was still in the sitting room before turning back to face Severus yet again. His face was full of concern and Severus could not deny that he was genuinely worried for him, "You have options, Severus. I know Hogwarts may not where you want to be, but things are different now. Everything is. Give it a chance, and maybe you might actually, well, enjoy it this time. Even just temporarily until you find your feet again."

Severus hesitated; head clouded with far too many rampant thoughts. Soon his expression turned dangerously cold, "I do not wish to have this conversation with you."

"Fine. Then at least have it with the Headmistress, " Harry paused as he sighed, knowing he did not want to argue with him. Instead, Harry gave a lopsided smile in his desperate bid to break the ice again. "Thank you for the elixir, sir. I really do appreciate it."

Severus merely nodded, wordlessly. Tiredness tainted each one of his already darkened features.

"And Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't avoid my letters again, okay? I don't exactly want to resort to Howlers."

"Don't you bloody dare, " Severus frowned at Harry's poor attempt at humor, knowing full well a Howler would be the final straw in his faltering shred of sanity, "I can only do my best."

"As long as you try, then I'm okay with that. If you feel the need to get out of the house, you are always welcome here, " Harry offered, as he made a move to open the front door for him, "I just don't want you to feel like you have nowhere to go."

Severus eyed the Gryffindor in silent gratitude, knowing he meant well. He himself did not like to intrude on someone else's space, especially as deep down, he had always made himself to appear unwanted. He really did miss Harry's company, but he knew he could never show up unannounced no matter how much he was struggling with each day. Dumping all of his issues on the Boy-Who-Lived was not what he ever intended to do because he had dealt with enough seeing Severus on the brink of death and at his lowest and most vulnerable. By keeping to himself, he had hoped to spare Harry the pain and stress of dealing with him again.

Severus bowed his head slightly; his dark eyes shifted a little uncomfortably. Bunching up his collar yet again, he then exited the warm and welcoming abode and off into the bitter, frosty afternoon.

Despite all of those warped feelings of insecurity, he really did miss spending time in Harry's presence. But now he made his way back to his own home, to wallow in the devoured loneliness he had undoubtedly created for himself.

But darkness and emptiness clawed at his injured soul, once again.

He only desperately wished things were better.