BlueWater5: Very true – And sometimes you might find yourself vulnerable with people that you least expect.

A5mia: Good eye ^_^ I do tend to add foreshadowing throughout! I was (and still am) a bit nervous writing Ginny, as I don't have much experience with her. Gotta love the voice of reason, though! And Dawn, well…She has a no-nonsense approach in her own way.

PearlM21: It really is a lovely one. Everyone heals in their own time and pace.

Authors Notes: This is a big chapter…Enjoy! ^_^

"Sometimes you just have to turn the page to realize there's more to your book of life than the page you're stuck on. Stop being afraid to move on. Close this chapter of hurt, and never re-read it. Don't try to fix what's been broken in your past, let your future create something better."

– Trent Shelton

CHAPTER 19: The Way Home

May 5th, 2002

[Harry Potter]

A few days had passed since his ordeal with the elixir, and in those days, he had difficulty talking to his wife about it. He undoubtedly felt ashamed of himself about the entire situation.

…She's angry at me…I've messed things up again…I should have been listening to her…I should have sought proper help...

Sometimes he noticed her eyes reddened at times but froze at the idea of consoling her. He knew at times she was reminded of Tom Riddles's possession of her all those years ago, but he had the sickening feeling the painful tears in which she rarely shed, often fell for him these days. To be the cause of anyone's falling tears felt like a bleeding, painful wound.

He didn't intend for it to get that far, and a horrible feeling deep down made him feel like a hypocrite. He exploded at Severus in his frustration for the man not accepting help, when Harry was doing the exact same thing. Maybe the pair of them were more alike than he initially realised. He just wanted an extra drop or two, but it wasn't until he was told that he was unable to wake, made him realise those extra drops could have resulted in far worse for him. All he could envision was how worried his wife must have felt when she could not wake him up this time. Those usual nights when all he needed to hear was her voice calling his name, fell upon deaf ears.

The overuse of the elixir this time did more harm than good.

The morning he finally awoke, made him feel like he had just recovered from the hangover from hell. He was always a lightweight with alcohol, so it never took much, but he had blinding headaches which lasted him for hours. He spent the majority of the day in bed simply thinking about what a mess he was and had been and most importantly how he had been dismissing his wife. She had been warning him for weeks – months, even – and yet he chose not to listen. She probably should have just knocked him out with a bludger and saved them both the stress of it. It would have been less of a burden to bear for everyone.

Most of all, he was in a state of limbo when Ginny informed him that she called Severus to his aid. As if he didn't feel terrible enough already, knowing that Severus dropped what he was doing that night to help him, reinforced his ungrateful attitude towards him. He knew now he was obliged to send him a letter, or see him, but what on earth was he meant to say?

Sorry for being a selfish, inconsiderate arse but thank you for helping me. Yeah, real ungrateful, Harry.

Well, now he had his own dilemma to face.

Turning his head in disgust of the mud-like concoction Severus had provided to eliminate the magical remnants, he decided to finally do something about his wasteful, self-pitied day. Throwing himself into the shower that afternoon to rid himself of the never-ending tiredness he felt, he put on a comfortable jumper and jeans and headed out through the front door after bidding Ginny and Teddy a feeble goodbye. He had a few things he needed to deal with, and first things first – confronting Severus again. They hadn't spoken for quite a few weeks now and the more time had passed since that horrible day, the more Harry felt ready to see him again. As much as some old anger often bubbled within, he really did miss the man's company and mentally kicked himself for screwing that up. He only hoped this time was enough for the dust to settle and honestly, he was still worried for him. Harry was often careless and cold when angry, but deep within, he still had a beating heart in his chest that worried for others.

Even though he'd much rather cause his own suffering if that meant helping someone else through theirs. It's what he had always done, even during the days of Voldemort.

Moving swiftly across the field past the apparition barriers Severus had fortified around his home, Harry made it to the front door upon the cobblestone porch. He knocked a few times, softly at first, but those knocks grew louder when he failed to hear anything beyond it. Gritting his teeth, he withdrew his wand and unlocked the door, hearing the subtle creaking as it opened. As he remembered, the place was dark and dusty, with a stale putrid air filling his nostrils. He walked inside slowly and soundlessly, ensuring he kept his ears peeled for any sounds worth noting. Immediately, the old familiar smell of whiskey overcame his senses, causing him to wrinkle his nose. Stepping further inside, his shoe crushed a few shards of glass, which appeared to have come from a bottle.

Oh, no…

Harry held his breath, being careful to step around the mess that had covered the floor. Bottles of glass and vials were broken and scattered across the wooden floor. Puddles of what appeared to be whiskey had soaked through some of the rugs throughout the house. Wandering further in, he saw broken lamps and candles strewn across the floor, even the dirt from an old pot plant of the unfortunate violet flora was in pieces within the entranceway.

As he turned towards the sitting room, he immediately noticed the prone form of his ex-professor laying in a heap of his entangled black robes on the old, torn sofa. Severus was snoring deeply, his hair a knotted mess across his pale face. No sound would wake the man up, and for Harry, that worked in his favor for the time being. For now, he had other ideas that he had been neglecting for quite some time and thus decided to let sleeping dragons lay for the moment.

With his wand held high, he cast an assortment of cleaning spells under his breath, vanishing the broken glass and cleaning the floor as he went. He went around to each room, repairing broken objects and furniture, including an old piano in the sunroom he didn't know the man owned. Papers and old inked parchments littered the floor, some with scorch marks upon their corners. The potions laboratory was strangely the only room in the house that wasn't an utter disaster. Each object in that room was neat and organised, with no signs of frustrations to be had.

Unfortunately, the other rooms weren't quite so lucky.

Rounding back to the kitchen, he cleared the benches of what appeared to be potion ingredient remnants, with a few various filled bottles of spirits and empty glasses. Crinkling his brow, he made the decision to vanish them entirely, not wanting to see it further ruining the man's life. Beside the old kettle on the counter, he saw Teddy's half-crumpled drawing, fraying a little at the edges as if Severus was consistently re-opening the colorful display, and re-crumpling it again. He was surprised it hadn't ended up vanished. Once he made a few trips to re-stock the fridge with full items that weren't moldy and rotten – whilst also reinvigorating the chilling preservation charm - he secured Teddy's drawing to the front of the fridge door hoping that maybe by the fact that it hadn't already been vanished, Severus may have had something evoked from it. Severus himself was, despite his harsh exterior, quite a sensitive man in more ways than he'd ever dare to openly admit.

Perhaps, like Harry, he needed something of a reminder. Even if it was a harsh jolt back into reality.

But it was at that moment he could hear some familiar signs of distress in the other room. Wandering back to Severus' slumber, he watched as the man's eyes darted around so unnervingly, clearly on edge. Tense. Scattered. Anxious. Unsettled. It didn't take a Ravenclaw to conclude that this man was having a nightmare and Harry felt a little sick at the thought. Severus tossed and turned on the sofa, with Harry watching and heart racing, unsure if waking him up was the right solution. After all, Ginny would usually wake Harry up within his state. The problem was, that was Ginny, and she did it tenderly and gently.

This was Severus.

Is this how I look before Ginny would wake me? …Merlin.

The choices flipped around within his mind so feverishly, that he struggled to come to a wise decision. Instead, he followed his gut.

He had to wake him.

"Sir – " Harry shuffled over and quietly knelt on the floor beside Severus. He watched as the man's eyes darted around behind his eyelids, and he noticed beads of sweat underneath his raven hair. "Sir – Severus – wake up. It's me. It's…Harry."

Severus continued to move uncomfortably in his prone form, still deep in sleep. A small murmur, then a whimper sounded from the man's lips, still in distress at what he was experiencing within his mind.

Harry leaned in closer, rather hesitantly, but this time his voice was stronger and firmer, "Severus, wake up now – " He extended his hand to man's forearm and shook him lightly, " – Sir, wake up!"

There was another murmur from Severus, but still in deep sleep.

Harry shook again, harder this time, "Severus!"

Suddenly the man gasped awake and looked around wildly as if the nightmare was still grappling him. It took a while for Severus to realise that Harry was beside him and when he finally noticed the worried Gryffindor, he gave a mixed sigh of relief and shame. He could still smell the remnants of alcohol on the man's breath, but not as potent as before. He only hoped Severus was not too impaired by the intoxication the night before.

Closing his eyes briefly, Severus breathlessly ran a hand through his own hair, "….Why are you here?"

"It doesn't matter, " Ignoring the burning question, Harry bit his lip, "I-I didn't know what else to do."

Severus soon opened his heavy eyes and glanced quickly at Harry, "It was needed."

Breathing his own sigh of relief, Harry leaned back on his heel and sat comfortably beside the sofa where Severus was laying. The pair of them sat together for several quiet minutes once Harry waited for Severus to re-compose himself. He could hear Severus' haggard breaths slowly begin to settle and that itself was reassuring.

After giving the man some time to recover, Harry asked quietly, "…What did you see?"

A light frown spread across the man's face, "I do not wish to disclose that."

Nodding in respect to the man's wishes, Harry looked away and closed his own eyes gently. The silence grew heavy once again between them, and all Harry could hear was his own heart beating furiously within his chest burning for some kind of resolve. The silence this time was almost suffocating, "Severus…I-I'm sorry for arguing with you before…With Teddy. I was stupid for blaming you and I shouldn't have said the things I did."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Apologise. I deserved that."

Harry shook his head adamantly, "No, you didn't. I should have stepped back when you dismissed the idea of a Healer, and I condemned you for it."

"It was out of line. However, I simply cannot pursue that option. Respect that decision and leave it at that, " Severus managed to pull himself up into a sitting position, resting his elbows on his knees and shrouded with his own cloak. The man seemed to avoid meeting Harry's eyes, "You didn't need me in a rageful tirade. You mentioned at Easter that I was not my father. Well, you've seen firsthand what he was like…The very thing I feared as a child, and I quickly became that person. Your Godson would never look at me the same again."

"I've spoken to him."

"It matters not. Again, I ruined things."

"…So did I."

Severus and Harry finally looked at each other, each soon recognising once again the shared pain between them both. It was almost uncanny how alike they seemed to be as time went on, each struggling in their own way, but each understanding the anguish of the other. Both had turned to some form of addiction to help them cope in recent times, but now realising the dangers of that, they had to somehow figure out a way to deal without it and learn to rely on each other again. They knew what needed to happen, but both were still a little afraid to come to terms with it.

It seemed like an eternity had passed between them since their silence, and Harry was struggling to give the man a verbal response he might have been interested to hear. But he had nothing that could reassure him of the discomfort and shame he felt. Instead, Harry gently pulled away, when his mind procured another thought, "Severus – There's a place I want to show you. I have a spot where I've been going when I need to clear my head…I think you'll like it there, too - " Harry smiled fondly to himself as he continued, "I call it my sanctuary. You know, like the one you taught me to see…I never forgot."

There was a small measure of confusion within the man, but he was soon overcome with realisation once he understood what it meant, "I am in no mood for a casual excursion."

"It's a safe space. I want you to feel safe there."

Severus snorted lightly, "Quite the upgrade from Grimmauld Place."

"Unless you prefer to go there instead?"

"No, not there, " Severus responded through gritted teeth, "Three months confined to a Black residence was more than enough for one to bear."

Harry tried to stifle a laugh, "Point taken."

Severus raised his eyebrow, keeping his face stern. But Harry could see deep within the man's dark eyes, that there was a measure of calm relief behind them. "Where is it?"

"It's a secret."

The man opened his mouth to protest but instead, Severus soon averted his eyes away from the concerned Gryffindor, "Why bother?"

"It'll be good for you…For the both of us, especially today, and the weather is decent, " Harry offered a small smile, "It's well hidden away from Muggle and magical eyes, and I've added wards to keep it concealed."

"You're wasting your time on me, " Severus hesitated for a moment, snapping himself back to reality, amidst the gesture he did not expect.

"Never a waste, sir. I visit when I just need some time alone. It helps, " Harry pulled himself up off the floor, feeling his backside going slightly numb.

Severus also got to his feet and stopped, looking around his home with an odd, confused expression soon realising how unusually clean and revived it was, "What – "

Harry couldn't help but give a mischievous grin, knowing the man just realised what he had done, "Scold me, I don't really care. Something needed to happen, if I'm going to quit with the elixir, you're going to quit drinking. We need to pull ourselves together and stop creating more problems for ourselves."

Severus's expression turned sour, "You can be infuriating, you know that?"

Harry shrugged, unbothered, "Deal with it. I'm trying to help us both. This…This drinking habit is not the way. We need to talk about this."

"I do not. Especially, not with you."

Harry clenched his jaw, "Why not? I don't want to see you like this anymore."

"So, you are more than acceptable to overdose on the elixir against my warnings and yet I am not allowed to drink myself to oblivion? Your double standards are atrocious."

"Just listen…please, " Harry spoke softly and pleadingly, really not wanting a repeat of the Teddy fiasco, "We both have problems. You and I know it. You can't move on, and I'm just seeing the faces of the dead every bloody night, relying on your potion to numb my thoughts. We're both still suffering, more than we'd ever dare to admit to ourselves."

Severus crossed his arms over his chest rather challengingly, "Then what do you suggest, Gryffindor?"

Harry's head bobbed forward, placing his hands in his jean pockets, "We help each other. No alcohol, no elixir. No moping around feeling sorry for ourselves."

Severus looked slightly furious at the last one, "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me, sir. We both need to sort this out. You won't see a Healer and I most certainly won't either, " Harry made a move towards the door, "Look, let me show you the place I mentioned, Severus. Please. We need to clear our heads, and we can't do that here. Surely you can agree on that."

There was a deep growl from Severus initially, but as Harry observed the man more closely, an understanding was now evident on his face. Severus wasn't a man to take things so casually, but Harry really needed to be a little more assertive over him, because yes, they both had major problems that needed to be faced and dealt with. Harry felt the deep need to enforce some influence on him in hopes Severus could choose a better way. Harry himself, after what had happened with the elixir, soon realised he also had a major problem. Ginny, time and time again, warned him as did Severus, and Harry failed to take it seriously.

After finally convincing Severus to follow him, Harry apparated the both of them to the secluded beachside inlet – a place where Harry retreated to in times of distress. A place so peacefully empty, yet serene and comfortable in its isolation. Fitting for both of them. As they appeared, Severus pulled his cloak closer against him, feeling the light breeze wash over them both amongst the late afternoon sun. It was almost a comical sight seeing a man like Severus, adored in his black cloak, planted firmly in the sand and the rocks overlooking the vibrant shore. Perhaps the setting of the sun would do him wonders with that pale, shadowed skin of his. One that rarely saw the light of day.

As soon as they arrived, Harry took a seat on his usual spot on a flat rock staring off into the endless ocean before them. Severus, amidst his usual reluctance, joined Harry on the opposite rock also staring out beyond the sea as if it was the first time he had ever laid eyes on it.

After a period of silence watching as Severus took in the new scenery, Harry spoke with a relaxed smile. His voice was so quiet, it was barely audible, "It's peaceful, isn't it?"

Severus could barely manage a single nod, still transfixed on the quietly lapping waves against the rocks at the shore. In fact, something about the man's expression now seemed far more tranquil than he had ever seen.

At this observation, Harry smiled to himself, "You're welcome to come here whenever you want to." There was a small sigh from the man, but not of frustration. It was difficult for Harry to ascertain what he may have been thinking, but that idea alone ensured Harry's own mind was closed.

There was a short pause before Severus spoke, "I'll consider it."

There was a moment when Harry watched a few seabirds fly overhead, merging with the sounds of the winds against the water. But Harry's heart sunk a little as his mind drifted to something else, "You know…Andromeda died recently, Severus. Teddy is now fully under my care."

That caused Severus to snap out of his dream-like reverie and turn his attention suddenly back to Harry, "What?"

Harry couldn't bear to meet the man's gaze, instead, he stared at his own hands, "I had to explain the concept of death to a four-year-old. Me, of all people. I-I don't want to scare the kid. I don't want him to wake up in hysterics every night. Or scared to be alone, when he realises Ginny, or me won't be around forever. He barely let me leave the house to run an errand, the other day. I'm sick of everyone dying and suffering around me. I don't know if I can take any more. I just...I just can't."

"There is no easy way to approach such a concept, least of all to a small child. Death is not simple by any means, more so given your own personal experience."

"I was honest with him, and it was…difficult, " Harry bit his lip and turned to face Severus again, "Please don't get mad at me for saying, but I need you to stop losing yourself in this way. I don't want to see you like that anymore, Severus."

Severus ran a hand over his tired face, leaving a period of defeated silence between them. His voice was low, almost at a whisper, "Harry, I stopped corresponding for those previous years and I know it was abysmal of me to do so, but I just...couldn't. I had no strength left. I retreat when I have nothing to contribute."

"I know. And I wish I had sensed that earlier. I didn't try hard enough. The fault lies with me, too."

Severus managed a very weak smile, but something about his eyes was hollow and wounded, "You know...I hadn't felt this wretched since the night your parents lost their lives. When I knew my attempts to save them had failed. I was guilt-ridden for a very long time. I had Albus to a small degree, but...otherwise, no one ever knew. They simply couldn't. And yet I had no choice but to push that all away to initiate the task I promised to do, " Severus drew in a deep, wavering breath, "Did you know that I was one of the youngest ever professors employed at Hogwarts? I had an image to uphold. A fortified influence to maintain. Spending each year knowing that one day Riddle would return, did not bode well for the dark thoughts already running through my mind. That alone scared me. Knowing that when that time finally came, I'd have to return to Riddles' side and play the part only I knew I could enact."

"All because of me."

"No - all because of me. It was only fitting that it would be my life-long punishment for relaying half a prophecy in the first place. I sealed my own fate, Harry, " Severus spoke quietly, wincing with each painful word that passed his lips.

"You made up for it, though. You chose to do the right thing. For all of us."

Severus shook his head slowly, "I'm not certain I did."

"Yeah, you did. Why punish yourself further?"

"So, no one else will. That is the price I will always pay."

Harry felt incredibly saddened, "Still? Even now?"

"Yes, even now, " Severus lowered his voice again, "I thought by bottling everything up over the course of my life, would solve my problems. Hence why I chose to heavily rely on Occlumency to protect myself. That was my ultimate defence. I'm wretched at dealing with it all, otherwise. Prior to being confined to Grimmauld Place with you for three months, I've never been one to discuss anything of my life or my choices. It was impossible for me to do so with my mission. I still have a long way to go. No one but you or Minerva, have really cared to listen to my nonsense and I'm still trying to come to terms with that because…I have no one else. I know I've been difficult."

"We all have choices, sir. To do better and take a different path. To hell with Skeeter. She's not in control of your path, you are, " Harry argued strongly, "You lost your job because of her, but you've got the choice to pull yourself out of the rut you're in."

Severus tilted his head, almost mockingly, "Hence why you chose to drug yourself with the elixir I foolishly enlisted to you?"

Harry gave a small, cold laugh, "Now I sound like the hypocrite, right?"

There was a slight hesitation, but eventually, Harry felt the man's arm wrap around his back, and gently clutch his other shoulder in reassurance pulling him slightly closer. The arms were strong and secure. The man's thumb gently rubbed the back of his shoulder, leaving Harry feeling completely content with his warmth. The last memory Harry had of this kind of gesture was when Harry broke down in front of his parents' grave with Severus at his side. It became a comfort he always longed for again, and he was glad it came back to soothe them both again.

Severus breathed a small sigh, "We tend not to realise our faults until after we make them. Or when someone else condemns us for it. I understand why you took it, Harry, but it was foolish. I repeatedly told you to take caution with it. You're lucky you were able to wake."

Harry couldn't help but hang his head, shamefully, "I just wasn't thinking. Yes, I know, berate me for it. I don't care...I just wanted this pain to end, even for a little while."

"I know it well, " Severus spoke quietly, barely audible against the light winds around them.

"I'm hurting everyone around me."

"Far from it."

Harry's face fell, "Then why do I feel so helpless? I feel like I can't even breathe some days. I have panic attacks at family gatherings, for Merlin's sake."

"Silence your mind."

"...I have been. I just feel numb these days, Severus. What the hell am I meant to do? I can't deal with this…I don't know how to. I'm even scared Ginny is going to leave me for feeling like this. I just feel like I'm holding her back, too. Like she deserves someone far better than my lousy self."

"You are more than capable. Do not sell yourself short, " Severus was serious for a moment, but soon gave a sneaky, mocking smirk, " – That is my job."

Harry's brows crinkled in a strange amusement but refused to fully give in to the man's usual stoic humor, "Always the boost of confidence, sir."

The Slytherin slowly withdrew his arm and placed it back onto his lap as if appearing in deep thought and second-guessing himself. The man's brows knitted so closely together, they almost merged. But he did not appear angry, nor frustrated. As the man gazed back out to the ocean, he seemed mostly conflicted as if he was at war with himself. "…I'll do it, " Severus appeared to mumble under his breath, barely audibly.

Harry frowned in confusion, "Do what?"

"…Return. To Hogwarts."

"Wait, seriously?" Harry blinked several times, uncertain if he heard correctly. Those words, as simple as they were, shocked him.

Severus curled his lip sourly, "I wish I wasn't."

A surge of excitement rippled through Harry, feeling the urge to yell out in happiness. Harry could only smile widely, now knowing Severus was on board with this monumental task that he could not pursue alone. But he was also relieved. Relieved that he was able to convince the man to take on a new purpose – something to keep him afloat and prevent him from sinking into the depths of the darkened, shriveled shadowed hands constantly dragging him down. Something to occupy the man's mind that was constantly stuck in the past and his own mistakes.

Harry's face lit up as if all the worries within his mind dissipated even for a moment, "That's brilliant news, sir! But…I don't want you to agree to it because I insisted. I was just being selfish."

"I am aware, but I did have the option to decline. And in this instance, that may not be a wise decision on my part, " Severus answered, thoughtfully and meticulously, "Wallowing in my home every dismal day in self-pity is doing me no favors. I need…something."

"Are you sure?"

Severus drew in a deep breath, looking away to the quietly lapping salty water against the smooth stones at their feet, "I am. Declining the offer may not bode well for me long term. Your wife said some things to me when I arrived at your aid, and it…It enabled me to rethink everything. My path…purpose. This."

"Look, I'm scared, too. This is a big thing. It's all new – " Harry glanced at Severus, sympathetically, "We'll make it through together again as we did before. As we always do."

Severus inhaled deeply, with his exhale lingering, "Perhaps we will this time."

Harry couldn't help but crack a cheeky grin, "At least you won't have to teach us misfits anymore."

"Small victories, I suppose, " Severus scoffed, following it with a comical eye roll.

"See, it will be different. You'll see, " Harry smirked, nudging the man gently at his arm, "Too bad, you're stuck with me again, though."

Severus' lip appeared to curl rather comically, "…Lucky me."

"Just, don't give Neville a tough time again. Please?"

"That cannot be guaranteed. Only if Longbottom stays well away from my potions classrooms, I will be less harsh, " Severus spoke with a serious tone. Harry knew he wasn't kidding.

"I'm sure he won't think twice about that. Besides, he'll be the one you'll be procuring potion ingredients from, so cut him some slack."

"Hmph, " Severus suddenly stood up from his perch and helped Harry to his feet. He glanced back out to the now evening sky. Dazzling oranges and purples streaked overhead amongst the greyed clouds, and it almost looked like a painting too beautiful for eyes to witness, "I supposed this place did more wonders than I expected. It's welcomingly silent."

Harry smiled, "Yeah, I come here to think a lot."

"Thinking? What a marvelous feat for Mr. Potter, " Severus spoke, deadpan, however a hint of glee behind his dark eyes, "I may have to mark this monumental day."

"Oi, " Harry amusingly glared back.

With a final glance back out at the peaceful waves, Harry returned home, as did Severus.

It had been such a strange day so far, but Severus accepting the post of Professor once again was the best news Harry had heard for a long while. The news itself gave him a new spring in his step – a hope he now had for the future and hope that Severus would find his, too. Perhaps Severus' acceptance of the post would be the drive for both of them to be better and do better.

Finding that goal was like digging into a gold mine without tools. The man had convinced himself for years that he was no good – a man who constantly told himself that he was forever broken and useless. Someone who felt he had no place in the wizarding world, but amongst all the hostility and doubt, he was the most deserving of a better life than even most of whom Harry knew.

Harry always felt Severus' sadness and despair as his own and he felt somewhat responsible for the bumpy, ill-trodden path the man chose for himself. Ginny was right in saying he was not responsible for him, but he couldn't help take some of the blame that he didn't do more to help him when he needed someone. Harry was focused on rebuilding his own life, but in doing so neglected to help Severus feel a part of it. Now, he wanted nothing more than to make up for all that lost time and to help the pair of them grow closer together.

But regardless, Harry was relieved he did not have to go through this alone.

A crushing weight was finally lifted.

May 15th, 2002

[Severus Snape]

I can't believe I bloody accepted it. What the hell was I thinking?

Since the afternoon spent with Harry along the rocky ocean inlet, he had been constantly replaying the conversation within his mind and wondering why he chose to accept the position of Professor again. Well, he knew why. He just didn't believe he'd actually go ahead with it.

But still – it was a huge step. A somewhat fearful step. One he'd never thought he'd ever make again in some shape or form. But what was the other option? Rotting away in his own misery, staring at the four walls of his home, wondering how it all went so wrong again. He didn't want that fate for himself, especially not after everything the Second War put him through. He was tired of being judged and mocked and condemned for things he no longer had control over. But now he did have some sort of control again and he best ensure it allowed him to pave a better path for himself.

In all of his anxiousness of the idea of it all, he had sent a letter to Minerva via his owl in regard to meeting with her within her office to further discuss the next school year. That thought alone felt strange. That task sent an odd shiver across his pallid skin. The fear wouldn't go away, so he'd have no choice but to do it as afraid as he was. Otherwise, he'd never leave the safe confines of his home.

It was the only way.

After being abstinent now for close to two weeks, he slowly felt more of his clarity returning. Since then, he had been working away a little more efficiently within his lab, making successful adjustments to some of his previous potions. With still, many errors and a long way to go. To his relief, he felt some of his usual drive and passion for Potions returning despite some days feeling devoured of such enthusiasm. After neglecting his love for it for so long, he had long forgotten how much it put him at ease. Without the alcohol running through his system and clouding his mind, he was able to further focus on his current personal projects and his own future. Most importantly, the one he had been working on for so many months after so many roadblocks, mishaps, and major errors.

But now with an odd new purpose within his life, he felt like there was some sliver of hope for him now, and that confidence in his own skill and abilities was slowly returning.

And that felt unusually good.

That afternoon, he donned his traveling cloak and made the journey to Hogwarts feeling out of sorts. Once he arrived on its almost forbidden outskirts staring down the ancient stone entrance bridge across the chasm, he held his breath almost too worried to make the first step towards a place which held so many memories for him, both good and wretched.

Fool. Grow a spine, and face it, Severus! You can't - won't - hurt them, and they can't hurt you. If you can't face something as simple as this -

" - But it's not simple!" Severus growled to himself, knowing full well he was pathetic enough to be arguing with his own wretched thoughts. He looked up at the looming castle in the distance, illuminated by the afternoon sun casting a golden glow over its familiar towers.

If you can't face this, then crawl back to your hole where you belong. You have a chance, Severus. You have a chance, so don't bloody waste it trembling in fear and self-doubt. Do something good in your miserable life. Harry has faith in you...if you can't trust him, then you can't trust anyone…

Severus shook his head from the thoughts which clouded his mind and began to step forward. There was almost a magnetic pull leading him towards it as if someone was pulling him in with an invisible rope. With each stride, he began to build confidence and determination, and soon enough, he found himself almost to the other side. He hadn't stepped this far to the school in four years, and the idea of it was almost unbelievable. He himself couldn't even believe he was here again.

…Be better than what you had lived to be. Be better than what you were forced to do...Just do better. What's the worst that can happen?

Much to his relief, there was no student in sight, and he found himself standing at the entrance courtyard, staring up at the giant oak doors which remained unchanged. Nothing in the school, from a visual standpoint, was different as far as his eyes could observe. Nothing was different and yet everything was.

He knew himself that he was not the same man. However, he was confused as to who he was supposed to be now. He was no longer here as a spy, Death Eater professor, or post-war fugitive. Neither of those things described him now, and in those ponderings, he found himself subconsciously clutching the faded Dark Mark on his left forearm. The Mark would always be a painful reminder of a past he wished he never had.

Death Eater Severus was his past and he vowed to himself never to make such a choice like that again. But being a teacher was something he had been for so many years, so it felt like something that could very well be easier to step back into as old habits. But given the end of the Second War, during his Hogwarts hiatus, he could only hope that he could provide the same standard as Potion's professor yet again. Perhaps there was even a chance he would not have to face the same pressures again, knowing that he was not required to risk his life and sanity to report to both the Dark Lord and Albus Dumbledore, whilst concealing his motives from Harry Potter and the Slytherins with direct Death Eater connections.

He had risked too much of his life in the past, and now, neither of that came into play anymore. He realised that his life was no longer hanging by a thread, and he was free to pave his own path and back away on his own terms if need be. Without grave consequence, this time.

He had choices now and those thoughts alone were somewhat liberating and comforting. Frightening, but at least he had them.

Drawing in a deep breath, he closed his eyes and attempted to empty his mind of the whirlpool of emotions bubbling within and tapped into Occlumency for the first time in years. Each memory of the course of the years past was sealed and locked away within its mental room of delicate treasure chests, despite knowing he no longer had to directly face the greatest Legilimens of all time, anymore – Tom Riddle. Each new memory he possessed since was fortified, as with the attached emotions. Knowing he felt safer that way, for the time being, he knew he could at least contain his emotions and do what he came here to do.

Feeling a little more prepared, Severus finally made the journey through the entrance doors and wandered up the familiar path to the headmaster's office. Some of the portraits he passed on his way, were familiar, and yet he noticed there were a few additional ones. He didn't intend to stop and properly observe them, but he soon saw the faces of some of the students he once taught who sadly perished in the Hogwarts Battle, concluding the Second War with the final downfall of Riddle. Some of those students within their golden frames smiled once he rounded passed them. But in a slight tinge of shame, he refused to meet their painted gazes.

He arrived at the familiar griffin statue, ushering the password of 'victoria concordia crescit', and cursed to himself why Minerva was being complicated with it. But regardless of the mild frustration, he watched the griffin statue shift against the stone floor and opened up the spiral staircase which he did not wait for the stairs to fully form. He began to ascend with his usual swift stride until he found himself at the very top, facing the door which once used to be his.

Taking a few moments to compose himself, he pushed open the door and found Minerva busy behind her desk, with parchments folding themselves as they danced around her. Upon the opening of the door, Minerva looked up and greeted him with a large, wrinkled smile, completely throwing him off-guard.

He raised his chin slightly in respect for an old friend, "Minerva."

The Headmistress placed her quill back onto the stand, and folded her hands neatly in front of her, "Severus. It's wonderful to see you. You're indeed a sight for sore eyes."

Once Minerva motioned for him to sit, he accepted the offer and sat in the seat across from her. He glanced up briefly to find Albus snoring lightly upon his golden chair within his portrait, feeling somewhat relieved by that. "I figured I'd get this over with."

He watched as Minerva fumbled within a small stack of parchments within the desk drawer and retrieved one with lines of inked lettering complete with the Hogwarts seal and the signatures of the School Board at the end. She placed the parchment before Severus, along with a spare black and grey quill, and observed him intently over the rim of her spectacles, "…You know what I am going to enquire."

"If I'm certain?" Severus interlocked his fingers and placed them on his lap in order to settle his growing nerves, "Yes, I am certain. I've had more than enough time within my aimless spare hours to ponder this decision. Thus, I suppose I will take the chance and see how well this fares for me."

Minerva managed a weak smile, and looked at him sympathetically, "I know this is difficult for you."

"I do not require your pity, Minerva. I will assist as I am able to, but I make no promises."

"As I explained previously, give it a year and if you have other avenues to pursue, I will not make you stay, " Minerva nodded, "You have my word, Severus. But I am confident you will be more than satisfactory here."

Severus raised an eyebrow, "I suppose only time will tell."

"Horace will be ecstatic to share Potions with you."

Severus curled his lip slightly, knowing he was still yet to face him since his fabricated defection when he ended Albus' life, "The old coot is not retiring completely?"

"When I told him I'd ask you to return, he suggested he'd be willing to split the curriculum with you. All he intended was to have his teaching hours reduced and I believe this will also benefit you as well, " Minerva explained rather diligently, "Throwing you in the deep end is not something I'd wish upon you."

"I am willing to accept it whilst I regain my bearings on the coursework. It's…been a while."

"That it has, " Minerva smiled again, and slowly pushed the parchment and the quill closer to her old colleague, "When you feel ready, please sign and I can send this off to Kingsley right away."

"As I said, I just desired to get this over and done with – " Severus leaned forward, picked up the quill, and once inked, signed his name along the dotted line in his familiar spidery scrawl. With each curve and flick of the ink, his heartbeat faster within his chest. He has literally signed his future again and the uncomfortable tug of the unknowing now made him feel slightly more anxious.

"I am so pleased to hear of your return, Severus. Truly, " Minerva repeated, and there was no doubt delicate emotion within her voice as she spoke.

Severus acutely observed the wave of relief upon her face, in between his hasty writing. But he had just finished signing his name when a familiar voice cut through his thoughts.

Albus.

Severus glanced up to find Albus smiling proudly within the confines of his portrait and he couldn't help but sneer in return, "I'm in no mood for your victory speeches, Albus. Keep those thoughts to yourself."

"Can I not express my joy upon this wonderful occasion?"

"No, " Severus said bluntly, turning his attention completely at Minerva and doing his best to ignore whatever else Albus was mumbling in the background. He could tell Minerva appeared slightly awkward upon their exchange, wondering if it was a good idea to keep them both in the same vicinity.

Once Severus had finished, she retrieved the parchment and folded it neatly, sealing it shut with a sealed red wax bearing the Hogwarts crest, "I will do my best to ensure your transition is a smooth one."

"I'll manage, " Severus responded, a little too bitterly. He could hear Albus again, but he did his best to continue to ignore him, "Will I have my old office returned to me?"

Minerva nodded, "I will ensure that to happen if that is something you'd prefer?"

"Preferably. And I suppose you still wish for me to Head of Slytherin?"

"That, dear friend, is your choice to make. Speak with Horace if you wish to know more. I daresay Slytherin house will very well benefit from your unique…guidance."

Severus paused for a moment. He really didn't want for this to go that far, but upon hearing the word of some struggling Slytherins, he gathered Horace was doing a terrible job at managing their needs. Horace Slughorn, as skilled as he was in the craft, was unable to connect with them due to his lack of personal experience. That of which Severus alone already had, and that which automatically qualified Severus to act as a more efficient Head of House.

Severus drew in a deep breath, realising if he was going to return, he would go as far as he could. He was never one for half-efforts, "Given Horace's wish to retire in the near future, I can only presume giving up the post will be inevitable. In which case, as much as I abhor it, I may be able to do more for the Slytherins as their official Head. They will listen to me."

"I sure hope so. They need your support, Severus. They are struggling and neither of us has been able to properly assist them, " Minerva stated, quietly. She looked wary and stressed, fully observing the new wrinkles she had collected since Severus had last seen her.

"I will do my best, Minerva. But as I said, I make no promises."

"That is all I wish to hear, " Minerva placed a shaky hand over her chest, "Thank you, Severus. Perhaps we can finally and effectively, tend to those students will utmost care and empathy. We've tried everything."

"I have hope that Severus can get through to them, " Albus had begun talking again.

But Severus was growing more frustrated with the old man, "Albus, if I wish to talk to you willingly, I would. Today is not the day."

"You can't ignore me forever, Severus, " The patience inhabited by the portrait, was enough to grind against his nerves.

"I delightfully accept the challenge."

"Severus – " Minerva intervened warningly, casting a stern glare at both he and Albus collectively.

" - Not a word, Minerva. I came here to accept the post of Professor, not to have a friendly chat with Albus over tea and crumpets - "

" - Minerva, I've re-enforced the signaling wards on the forest boundaries – " A dark-blonde haired woman suddenly burst through the Headmistress' office, and upon finally realising the additional guest, she tilted her head rather curiously, "Oh, my apologies. I didn't realise we had a guest in our midst."

Clearing her throat slightly, Minerva stood up from her chair and beckoned to Severus, "Dawn, I'd like to introduce to you, Severus Snape. Our returning Potion's Professor. I daresay his name is not unfamiliar to you."

Dawn studied the man still seated, and soon enough, a friendly smile etched across her features, "Ahh, Severus Snape! We finally meet in person."

"Not sorry to disappoint, " Severus responded, dully.

"Nonsense. I've been looking forward to this for quite some time. I am Dawn Rheingold. After I was tasked with my squad to reign you in as a fugitive, you were quite the elusive man."

Wonderful. Another Auror to deal with.

"I'd prefer not to recap that point in time, " Severus sneered, his dark eyes scanning the Auror who was scrutinizing him. He could feel it.

The young woman shook her head softly, smoothing down her dark plum robes as she spoke, seemingly unbothered by his foul mood, "No need. Your colleagues have been wanting you back for a long time. They seem quite fond of you, so I've heard."

Severus tensed at the new face, observing a faint air of familiarity with her. He watched as she politely extended her hand, but Severus dug his own deeper into his robe pockets, declining the handshake. "Fond is one way to put it."

Noticing the rejected handshake, she placed her hands neatly in front of her rather curtly, "So – Potions?"

"Indeed."

"I am currently teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts. Perhaps Harry Potter has mentioned me, but he will be taught under my wing as the new school year begins."

"I do hope you have the patience of a saint, " Severus said sarcastically but kept his face deadpan.

Dawn raised an eyebrow, with a small amused smirk, "Does that mean you do not?"

Severus opened his mouth to protest, but instead rose from his seat hoping to flee from the confines of the office which had begun to feel suffocatingly restricted, "As to cut the unnecessary pleasantries short, I have much to prepare if you wish for me to return with all of my facilities intact."

Minerva smiled, with her blue eyes twinkling in the joy behind them, "Keep a watch for my owl."

With a low grumble, Severus acknowledged the new Professor with a single, stiff nod and ignored Albus' final protests as he hastily exited the office.

He wasn't really sure how he was feeling, as it seemed like a strange mix of things. Anxiousness over accepting the post he had been rejecting every single year. Worry as to how on earth the Slytherins were handling it all. Relief, to be accepted and wanted somewhere. Intrigue, by the unfamiliar faces inhabiting the school. Irritated, due to the new expectations of him now. Self-doubt, as he had no idea how he was going to manage it all again. And even a touch of anger where Albus was concerned.

Severus didn't come here to relive the past. He chose to accept the post so he could learn to move from it, and deal with it differently under – dare he admit – better circumstances. He wanted to see what it would be like now, and it both frightened and excited him. He never felt comfortable reaching beyond his comfort zone, but all he could hear about were Harry's and Ginny's words about moving forward and aiming to make a change. Severus hated the life he was living, and he knew he had to change something. Of course, such a change was not easy, especially for him, but he had to stop feeling sorry for himself. He didn't know what kind of person he wanted to be, but either way, he was never truly living.

Just…existing. In his own misery.

Severus had rounded the entrance hall and stopped at the large bronze and oak doors leading to the Great Hall. He didn't know why he chose to do so, but he pushed through them to find the hall eerily empty. He glanced above to find the enchanted ceiling activated and watched as a few fluffy clouds floated peacefully above him. He always loved this enchantment.

The hall itself was devoured of any soul and Severus was oddly comforted by that. Not even a Hogwarts ghost could be seen, and no sounds of Peeves cackling in delight down the hall. He knew the students were within their after-lunch periods and for a moment, he wanted to relish in the silence whilst he had it.

What madness it was to be standing again in the Great Hall – A place where so many events took place. To his own sorting and separation from Lily in his broken youth, to befriending those from his own house. To become a Professor, Head of Slytherin, and thus taking the role of Headmaster before his untimely departure before he almost lost his life. This was also the place where he was cast away and returned to see the demise of Voldemort once more. This was also the place where he – along with the remaining Order of the Phoenix, and their supporters – re-grouped to infiltrate the last Death Eater hideout in the Clearwell Caves. A mission so dangerous and one where he was unable to actively partake in due to his severe illness.

And now here he was, alive and somewhat prepared to take the role of professor once again and no longer the tyrant Headmaster under Voldemort's command. Oh, yes, he was afraid. He was not foolish enough to pretend that he wasn't. His soul was weary but returning to the place filled with so many mixed memories, left him uncertain as to who he'd become now. Who he was. Who he will be. He wasn't quite sure becoming a professor again would help him rediscover his purpose, but now he felt deep down, that he could not be so selfish again. So many young ones – his own Slytherins – needed his help. And he'd be damn sure he'd try his very best to place them on a better path. One in which he had only wished to have received as a youth, himself. No one else was there for him at a time when he was so misguided and alone, so he wanted nothing more than to ensure the same did not happen to those who were also vulnerable and broken.

Slytherin house had much healing to do, and it must start with him. They deserved a voice to be heard and someone to fight for them. Like he wished he had.

"It is true! Blimey! Ye' back!" Rubeus' familiar voice boomed suddenly, echoing off the brass torches aligning the stone walls.

"Yes, yes, cue the confetti, " Severus turned on his heel to face the familiar looming Groundskeeper, and spoke with a bitter sneer, "Make a fuss of this, and I will not be any easier to deal with - "

"C'mere, Severus, " Without prior warning, Severus was suddenly enveloped into a large hug from the half-giant, wrinkling his nose against the sour rotten scent of fruit and mud upon his clothes. The hug was almost crushing and there was literally no physical way he could wriggle himself out of it.

"Are you out of your mind, Rubeus?!" Severus was undoubtedly furious, with his voice muffled against the man's vest.

"Well, I've been waiting four bloody years to do it!"

"You should have waited longer. If you don't mind, I'd like to breathe fresh air – " Severus was soon let go, and he proceeded to dust of remnants of mud from his robes, " – A handshake would have sufficed."

Rubeus shrugged, "You'd never agree to it if I'd asked."

"I was hoping to arrive and depart unannounced."

Rubeus smiled under his beard, his eyes glittering in reminiscent joy, "Ye know be'er than that, Severus. The portraits haven't stopped chatterin' about the news. Word travels fast 'round 'ere."

Severus hated the idea of that and could only look back in repulsion, "Tell them to mind their own business."

"Look, I may not be the righ' person to say this, but everyone is delighted to have ye back. And I mean that. Yer know, after the war an all – "

" – Zip it, Rubeus. I did not return to discuss it. I've had many a few years to come to terms with it all, and even now, that seems impossible without everyone so much as reminding me."

Rubeus appeared a little embarrassed, "Sorry. I just feel it's nothin' to be ashamed of, is all."

"It's complicated, " Severus said, simply, "I just require…time. With adequate space, if you don't mind."

The half-giant nodded, "Of course. Anything to make it easier for you. If you ever feel the need to talk about it, which I know yer won't, but the offer is there anyway…"

Severus sighed gently, "I appreciate the offer, but that is not something I wish to do."

"I understand, o' course, " Rubeus gently rested a heavy hand on Severus' shoulder and left it there for a few moments before removing it.

With a wordless nod – and a small appreciation for the half-giant's understanding – Severus departed from the Great Hall and made his quiet and thought-filled journey back home.

What on earth was he getting himself into?