PearlM21: As they say, old habits die hard.
A5mia: Dawn's story will definitely unravel as the chapters go – where there is darkness, there is light, and where there is light, was also a darkness. Severus has a lot of old habits he needs to shed, and he will realise this as we go. His life is not the same as it was, so the adjustment will be the hardest thing for him. Beneficial in the long run, but for now, he's struggling with this change.
"Maybe it is within the losses that you truly find gratitude for all that has stayed. Maybe it is through caring for those who make us feel like we are hard to love that we are taught how to embrace those who see us, those who truly protect our souls. And maybe, just maybe, it is through the darkened journey that we are taught how to appreciate the warmth, how to chase the light."
– Bianca Sparacino
CHAPTER 23: Let it Rain
September 18th, 2002
[Harry Potter]
Hey Ginny,
So far, it's been, well…an interesting start. Teaching a class is a challenge and I admit, I don't feel as confident as I thought I'd be. I know it's been a few weeks now, but…I hope I made the right decision.
I haven't had any classroom mishaps yet, but it's all a little nerve-wracking. Teaching the DA was one thing, but first years? Now I know why Severus lost his patience most of the time. They can be a bit of a nightmare!
Dawn is keeping me busy, and Severus has been snapping at everyone else. Even Peeves was hesitant to pull a prank on him, and that's saying something.
…I miss you and Ted.
I hope you two are okay. I plan to stop by to see you over the weekend.
Take care, please.
With my love, Harry
Gently sealing away the parchment in an envelope, Harry handed it to Godric who was waiting patiently at his open window, and watched as the bird flew away. He leaned back against his small, cramped personal desk within his own homely private quarters, eyeing the clock closely as it ticked to almost lunchtime. Being assistant to the Defence teacher, he wasn't lucky enough to earn his own office yet and he often shared Dawn's main office in regard to their students.
However, it was an odd feeling no longer residing in the Gryffindor Common Room. Instead, he occupied a small one-bedroom flat higher up within the Gryffindor Tower, not far from the Fat Lady. His rooms were adored in scarlet and gold, banners, statues, and portraits of all things typical of Gryffindor. Occasionally, he could hear the yells of frustration from the younger students trying to get in with an incorrect password and was reassured when the Prefects were able to assist them. Even despite him chuckling over it, first.
Harry flexed his fingers, wondering if he should make his way down to the Great Hall that early for lunch. He heard his stomach rumbling, which was his own fault for not eating anything that morning. They already had a busy morning of classes and now they were about to teach the Third Years about Werewolves, which admittingly, he didn't feel comfortable teaching. With Hermione's new laws soon taking effect, and likely in time for the following new school year, he couldn't help but feel out of his depth with such a subject.
Humorously, he suggested to Dawn about bringing in a werewolf guest speaker, but the woman didn't seem all that impressed with the idea. Understandably so. The idea of werewolves was still a sensitive subject and Hermione wanted to remove that stigma about them and give them a chance to live civil lives within the magical community. And he couldn't help thinking back on that conversation with his friends – would they really receive an influx of young werewolves to the school? How on earth would they accommodate? And who will be brewing that Wolfsbane? Given Severus' reaction to the idea, he didn't feel all that confident that he would be able to assist. For a moment Harry considered asking the man again but soon dismissed the idea as he knew that would not end well.
Harry just needed to stop pushing his buttons beyond his last fraying nerve.
Finally drawing back the courage, he left his quarters and made his way down for lunch. Pushing through the crowds of hungry students, he finally reached the staff table and planted himself beside Dawn and the Headmistress who appeared to be scanning the staff tables over her half-moon spectacles. Following her wistful line of sight, he took notice of Severus' absence, which earned a cautionary glare from Minerva herself.
Minerva leaned in subtly, "Please see me after the evening feast if you will."
He felt an odd sidewards glance from Dawn at the corner of his eye, before he responded, "Sure. Okay."
With a satisfactory nod, Minerva took a small sip of her tea, before turning back to him nursing the mug between her hands, "So, how are you faring with the classes? Are you managing?"
Harry quickly swallowed down the ham sandwich he had been grazing on, "I'm…managing."
Dawn chuckled heartedly on the other side, "Mr. Potter here is doing fine. Albeit he needs to build his confidence and take on a more authoritative approach, but in time, he'll get the hang of it. He's not as bad as he thinks he is."
He felt his cheeks tinge red, and nodded, "I'm still getting used to the idea of being a teacher rather than a student this time."
The younger woman smiled, "Indeed you are. You adore the kids, and I can already see you've developed a great rapport with them already."
"Despite me dropping my wand halfway through the Verdimillious Charm the other day?"
"You were nervous, " Dawn said simply, pursing her lips, "Consider it an icebreaker, more so for you rather than the little ones. But they also need to see you perform confidently, without mistakes. They are quick to emulate."
"Understood, " Harry responded, soon distracting himself from the disappearing empty dish of Cornish pasties.
After realising Severus was never going to attend lunch, he watched as Dawn departed the staff table to prepare for the next lesson, with Harry soon quietly excusing himself to follow. He felt like a little lost puppy, following Dawn around as if he had nowhere else to go. At least for this year, he was somewhat bonded to her as his mentor, and he needed to take this seriously and with dedication. He spent so long for him to reach this point, along with sleepless nights working hard during his studies, and not only did he not want to let Dawn down, but he wanted to make himself proud for doing it.
After a successful class of watching Dawn take charge of the Werewolf lecture, they finally met back during the evening feast, finally seeing Severus make an appearance. Again, Severus was ignoring some of the other staff and he could only wonder in amusement how much more Flitwick can endure after being deliberately ignored for the umpteenth time. Severus met Harry's wandering gaze, and he could see the man's brow crinkle slightly in the effort, but he wasn't sure what that meant. The man chose to remain silent throughout the dinner, focusing on shifting items of food around his plate, clearly uninterested. A permanent dull look etched upon his face. Beside him, Hagrid was chatting away seemingly at Severus, but he clearly did not care to give any morsel of attention or interest to what he was saying.
It's only been a few weeks…This can't be easy for him.
On several occasions, he caught Minerva peering at him above her spectacles again during dessert but appearing annoyed with all of the persistent stares and mindless conversations, he finally regathered himself and departed the hall as quickly as his robes could follow.
Harry's heart sunk deeper into his chest and given the look on Minerva's face, hers did, too.
Once the meal was finished and the house elves began magically stacking the plates, Harry abided by the Headmistress' earlier request and made the familiar journey to the Headmaster's office. He wasn't sure what he was expecting out of it, but once he arrived, he was relieved to discover no one else was present.
Smoothing down the edge of her robes, Minerva settled herself behind her desk, looking far warier of the day's events than he last recalled. Following suit, Harry took the adjacent guest chair. Glancing quickly at Dumbledore's portrait, she finally spoke after clearing her throat, "Have you been on successful speaking terms with Severus? He refuses to speak to me."
He knew where this conversation was heading. Harry shrugged, "He won't speak to anyone, really. I've been lucky a few times, but I'm just standing back a little until he cools down."
Minerva looked slightly irritated and that was surprising since he knew she was at least sympathetic to his situation, "Cool down? He's been trying to defuse himself for the last few weeks since his return."
"Give him time, Minerva," Albus interjected from the portrait on the wall.
"How much time?" Minerva responded, a little too impatiently.
This frustrated Harry a little, "When he's ready. If I've learned something from him recently, is to just let him deal with it in his own way. He's just going to get continue to be angry at everyone if you are too persistent."
"I'm simply worried about him, Mr. Potter, " Minerva said, "I just wanted him safe with us and give him a chance to set things right. Now I fear I've done more harm than good."
"He chose to return, " Harry responded firmly, "We both gave him the choice. He could have continued to say no."
Harry had the sunken feeling as if maybe, he and Minerva tried too hard in urging for his return when in fact, a little guilt came into play. He couldn't help but wonder now if he did exactly what Dumbledore did on the night upon the windy hilltop in Severus' memory shortly after he delivered half of a prophecy. But Dumbledore, as far as his memory remembered of that conversation, had also guilted Severus upon the target on his mother's back. Of course, he understood why Dumbledore took that opportunity to claim a Death Eater spy, but to entice a guilt-ridden and even suicidal man upon Lily's death to try and made amends, made Harry feel ill to recall.
Either way, the requests to Severus now seemed unfair, and Harry could help but feel that maybe he was no better than Dumbledore at this point. But unlike the old Headmaster at the time, Harry really did genuinely want the best for Severus. He wanted him to take that leap of faith and give him another chance to do what he never could back during his spy days. The old days when Severus spent his time pretending and creating false images for himself in order to deter those around him and leave them second-guessing his true allegiance.
Now Harry simply felt wretched with himself. He didn't want to guilt the man – that's not what he intended to do.
Minerva's wary eyes panned from Harry to Albus and back again, "I feared leaving him alone. He needed help, and we offered it. I want him protected within this school."
He couldn't help but frown, "Protect him from what?"
"Himself, " Minerva sighed, "We concluded rather vehemently that he would only spiral hopelessly further if we did not see it necessary to intervene."
"You did the right thing in asking for his return, but you and I both knew this transition would not be so kind to him, " Albus said, now eyeing Harry carefully as he fell quiet, "Harry – do not keep so far of a distance."
"I-I know, " Harry gave a hopeless shrug, "I've been seeing him, but I don't know how much help I will be."
"Do not underestimate yourself, " Minerva said, with the smallest of smiles tugging at her lips, "He's more inclined to listen to you than either of us at this delicate time. His students need his guidance – and we need him level-headed and sound enough to do so. We lose him, and we may very well lose Slytherin House."
"I'll do my best. You know I will."
"I know, Mr. Potter, " Minerva gave another small smile, despite the sadness behind it, "Please ensure he is alright."
Nodding wordlessly, Harry rose from his chair and bid both McGonagall and Dumbledore goodnight.
He knew that both of them were just as equally worried about Severus as he was. However, Harry knew how easily angry the man would get if he was persistently nosey, and he'd rather not have another jar of cockroaches thrown at his head. Harry knew the Slytherin needed space – the only way he was going to manage the new situation he found himself is, was to push through it in his own way. Harry could only offer support where he could, but Severus was still the bitter, snarky dungeon bat at his black-clad exterior, but within…he knew he was struggling immensely with being back at Hogwarts.
Time. Severus just needed time.
Harry kicked off his shoes the moment he entered the door to his quarters. He sealed the door shut with a privacy charm, and discovered a letter planted at the top of his desk. Snatching it immediately, he peeled over the envelope and smiled at the familiar handwriting, along with a colored scribbled drawing of a flying golden snitch at the bottom.
Harry,
About time I got a letter from you! Not that I've been worried, as I know these last few weeks would have been very busy for you.
I can't be any prouder of you, though. You're finally there and teaching at Hogwarts – something which I know you've been working so hard to achieve.
I love you.
Teddy and I are doing just fine. He was a little emotional in the days after you left, but he's getting better. He misses you so much, too. As do I.
Don't cause too much trouble!
Lots of love, Ginny, and Ted.
P.S. Hope you like the photo - So you don't forget what we look like!
"…Thanks Ginny, " Harry smiled and soon gave a light scoff, "My memory isn't that bad."
He stared lovingly at the photo of Ginny and Teddy, both were covered in pasta sauce in their kitchen. He laughed to himself, knowing full well the sauce was no match for Ginny's attempts at domestic magic. He was thankful Apparating wasn't too terribly taxing, but it was worth it for him to see his family again. Spending the first weekend with them both since returning to Hogwarts, gave his heart a jolt of joy and a drive to end the week on a high note.
Since beginning at Hogwarts again, his nightmares had toned down a little, but the ones that hit him hard, caused him to awaken in a cold sweat, alone in his room. He missed Ginny's touch leading him out from one and her comforting words during his panic as he scrambled to ground himself again. Not being able to wake up alongside her was far more difficult than he ever dared to imagine. He missed her cheek and her bright smile greeting him in the mornings. He missed hearing her snoring during the night; her warm body against his own. He missed her hot chocolates and wicked jokes. Her happy, bright disposition is what he missed seeing on the daily basis. Her honesty, her stubbornness…
Suddenly struck with a memory of something, Harry pulled out a spare piece of parchment and immediately began to scribble before his mind took those ideas away from him.
Severus,
I'm trying something out, here. Don't laugh. If you get this, then great – I didn't blunder up the charm. Professor Flitwick told me about this one the other day.
But anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to send you something since I know you've been avoiding everyone. Again, I'm sorry. I still feel like this is my fault.
I hope teaching classes is a little better this time around…Maybe? Or at least I hope your students aren't giving you a hard time over being back.
Just know that you have friends now. As much as I know how much you hate that word. Allies, friends, colleagues…whatever. You have people who care. As I do.
Just…don't ignore me at least, please?
Take care,
Harry
P.S. It might be a good idea for us to find a Hogwarts sanctuary to escape to. While we are both here.
…If you feel up for it.
Harry pulled out his wand and tapped the parchment, mumbling a string of words under his breath. With a violet spark, the parchment lifted up from the desk and rose above a few inches from Harry's face. The parchment folded itself into pieces until it disappeared with another spark. He surely hoped it worked, or even reached the wrong person. Since Severus was avoiding everyone and Harry barely saw him at all throughout the day, he had longed to seek out an alternative mode of communication within school grounds. He had casually asked Flitwick the other day and had since forgotten about it. But he figured at least he could correspond with Severus through the day if needed, or for as long as he felt he wasn't getting on the man's nerves.
As soon as Harry's head hit the pillow for the night, a familiar spark sent his heart racing when the re-emergence of the parchment had been sent to him. The parchment fluttered down upon his desk, and climbing out from his blankets, retrieved the letter and immediately began to read.
Harry,
You and I both know your reiteration of 'trying something', often results in disaster. Aside from your parchment bursting into flames shortly after reading it, it was…an adequate attempt. I am most fortunate to be a swift reader. I need not be continuously cleaning ashes from my desk.
As of my return – I suppose you'll know by the end of the month if my loss of marbles is permanent. Figuratively, speaking. Alas, NEWT students are far more cooperative than adolescents. A small relief, reassuringly.
Stop worrying, Harry. You'll get more wrinkles than I currently have.
Goodnight,
Severus S.
With a small chuckle, he set aside the familiar inked scrawl and crawled back under the warmth of his blankets. Well, it was a start. And he was rather surprised it didn't take him long to receive a response and he so took that as a positive thing. At least Severus was willing to speak to him, and that alone reassured Harry. If the man was planning to ignore everyone else for the time being, at least he was able to get some word out of him.
The following morning well after the students had dispersed from the Great Hall the following breakfast, he rounded the corridors past a bunch of eavesdropping Ravenclaws and a stray Gryffindor huddled at the corner. As soon as Harry approached them, the students quickly scurried away until he realised what they were listening to.
"…Severus, quell that attitude of yours - " …That was most definitely Dawn's sharp, voice.
"Or what?" The second voice was Severus. And he appeared far from being in a reasonable mood.
Harry frowned, hearing the familiar scowl of Severus towards Dawn as he remained idle around the corner. He could tell Dawn was trying her best to remain calm and collected, but the gradual rise in her tone of voice indicated she was slowly losing her usual commanding composure. Severus, however, remained snarky and cold towards her, dismissing each and every one of her words.
There was a small pause before a female sigh could be heard, "Would it kill you be a little more optimistic?"
"I'm a realist."
Come on, Severus. Calm down…
"Obviously. But you can find the silver lining, you know."
"The silver lining is problematic."
…Please stop fighting, Severus.
"Oh, rubbish. Only if you let it."
"Did you forget the part when I told you I'm a realist?"
"Right, and I'm Artemis, " Dawn lowered her voice again, this time cooling down with a gentler tone, "I see right through that facade, Severus."
"Do you, now?" Severus responded, mockingly. Harry couldn't help but wince.
"I'm an Auror, Severus. It is my job to decipher."
"Good luck deciphering it, then. Keep your distance from me - " Severus stormed off, just as Harry chose that moment to round the corner, watching as the familiar black robes flurry away and out of sight.
Dawn quickly turned to Harry as she realised her company once Severus was out of earshot. Her arms dropped helplessly at her side. She didn't seem angry, but slightly frustrated. Severus was a difficult man, and that was no secret, "Is he usually like this?"
Harry shrugged, a little sheepishly, "Only when he's going through a rough time, which seems to be often these days."
Dawn eyed down Harry, relaxing her deep-set frown in realisation.
"He'll be alright. He's just frustrated, " Harry reassured. He could see the slight annoyance on the woman's face, but her eyes told a different story. They were friendly and comforting. Despite the flash of anger within her voice, there was a softness to her gaze. Something else within the stark contrast of the situation that had just escalated. Relieved that Severus' anger did not rub off on her, Harry gave another weak shrug, "Just give him space. He'll figure it out."
"You know him well enough, it seems, " Dawn questioned, diligently.
Harry nodded, "Yeah, I do. Or at least I try to, anyway."
"Keeping my distance may very well be wise on my part, " Dawn glanced at the corridor Severus had disappeared to and turned back to Harry with a curt nod before she departed his company in the opposite direction.
Harry stood in the now empty corridor with an ache in his heart. Dawn meant well. And although he didn't know what the conversation was about, it was clear that the pair of them did not cooperate as well as he had hoped. Severus being himself, likely took something Dawn had said and magnified it into something it shouldn't have been.
Once his final class of the day came to a close, he went directly to Severus' office only to find it was cold and empty. No remnants of his usual half-consumed teacups littered his cluttered desk. The fireplace was unlit, and it appeared as if it hadn't been activated for the majority of the day. A few old books were stacked on one side of the desk, with some homework from his students piled on the opposite side. At its center, was a bunch of unopened delivered letters – once again, ignored.
Leaving the office, he took a left at the dungeon corridor and knocked upon the dark door to the man's private quarters. But there was no response. Severus would only allow Harry access if he was already present, but since the door would not open for him, he concluded that the Potions Master was not even within his own space.
Frowning, he made his journey to the main potions classrooms only to find that they were also empty. He scoured the Great Hall, the staff room, and as many corridors as his legs could take him. He even asked a few of the portraits if he had seen him, but there was no luck. He had visited the Headmaster's office, only to find McGonagall busy at her desk, but she hadn't seen him that evening, either. Harry left the Hogwarts castle and rounded the grounds, including the greenhouses and yet again, no sign of Severus. He trekked further into the Forbidden Forest towards where the Thestrals resided, and to his surprise, he was not there either.
Harry bit his lip, growing frustrated, slowly running out of places where the man could be. Eventually giving up in his search outside, he made a last-minute trip to the Room of Requirement, once again finding that room empty, also. But there was another place that was on his mind and yet he had to wonder if Severus ever summoned the courage to return there again.
But he knew Severus was a glutton for his own punishment.
Despite almost a month still into his teaching, Harry still found himself in deep thought as he wandered the corridors between lessons, thinking back on that fateful Hogwarts night. The night when so many lives were lost, and terror plagued those grounds. It all still seemed a little surreal and even though he could still remember some key moments, much of what he could recall had been such a blur. Every corridor he turned down, brought back flashes of people and events. At times he would stand at a corridor knowing that there was something he should have remembered but couldn't. It was almost like a brain fog that would not lift.
Ascending the spiral staircase to the highest floor of the Astronomy Tower, he breathed a sigh of deep relief to find Severus seated by himself on one of the benches. The man's gaze was fixed upon the moving clouds above within the gentle autumn breeze of the evening. The moon was in clear view, casting a soft glow upon the Black Lake below. Severus looked worried in deep thought. His eyebrows knitted together, unchanged, and his clasped pale hands tucked below his chin.
Finally stepping onto the platform, Harry broke the silence, "You know, when I said we needed another sanctuary, I didn't expect you to choose the Astronomy Tower of all places…I didn't think I'd ever see you up here."
"Admittingly, I never thought I'd ever dare to, " Severus shuffled off to the other side of the bench keeping his black cloak wrapped around him, to allow Harry space to join him. Once Harry sat beside him, he continued, "Albus and I spent much time here, speaking…Debating. Much about the Order, and about you – "
"I'm sorry."
Severus steepled his fingers together, glancing quickly at him with a warning frown, "Stop mindlessly apologising. That was not your fault. If Albus hadn't put on that blasted ring – "
"You haven't spoken to him since you came back."
"Him?! I'd rather not, " Severus paused for a moment, gritting his teeth together, "And why should I, anyway? He's a portrait. A daft imprint of the old, manipulative scheming coot he once was in life. I want nothing more to do with him."
"McGonagall is getting fed up with his requests."
Severus sneered, "Not my concern. She is the Headmistress, so allow her to deal with him."
Harry stared at him, bewildered, "You really are angry at him, aren't you?"
"Angry? I'm furious!" Severus curled his lip bitterly as if he had just eaten something sour, "And you're not?"
"I was…Am…I dunno, sir, " Harry shrugged heavily, "I guess I really haven't spoken to him much either. The thing is, I didn't have much to do with Dumbledore once he became a portrait. I – I saw him when I died."
Severus stared at Harry as if he had grown an extra limb during a potion's mishap, "…What?"
Harry realised how ridiculous and outlandish it sounded, "…I know. It's exactly what it sounds like. I spoke to him when I died…In the afterlife…Or, wherever I was. Some kind of magical purgatory. Or else, that's what I think it was."
This piqued the man's interest, "And what did Dumbledore say? Or whatever imprint he was."
Harry turned his attention towards Severus, in somewhat of a heartfelt smile, "We talked. A lot, actually. And he told me things about his past that he kept secret, including keeping me in the dark. Severus, he felt terrible for all of it. I've never seen him so upset."
There wasn't a single recognition of care upon the man's face and remained in his dismissive sneer, "Did he ever mention how he used me?"
"No, not about that. But we did talk about you a bit."
Severus opened his mouth to immediately respond, but instead, he turned his head quickly away as if he was having second thoughts, "…I don't think I care to know. I don't want to know." Harry stared at the profile of Severus for a long while, noticing the conflicting look on his face from what he could see behind the man's curtain of dark hair. At times, Severus' eyes would close tightly shut but then he'd run his hands down his pallid face looking a hundred times more exhausted within the span of a few seconds. Severus was painfully silent. Each time he opened his mouth to speak, he turned away and frowned at himself. Even he was at a loss for words. After what seemed like ages had passed eventually, he spoke, albeit quietly, "…So, there is a blasted place beyond death after all."
"I don't feel as angry with him as I know you do. I did once before, but since seeing him that night – " Harry sighed in defeat, "…I just can't stay angry with him. I don't agree with how he handled a lot of things, but at the same time, I understand why. He tried his best."
"Tried his best?" Severus' face contorted to a strange, repulsed anger, "He sent me to almost certain death. He never once planned for the occasion that I was to survive. I was a pawn! His Death Eater minion for his bidding. He cared not for how I felt. I never wanted to do half the tasks he forcefully enlisted upon me."
"I know, Severus. I know, " Harry repeated, reassuringly, "A lot of it wasn't giving you your best chance. Instead, he gave you the worst of it."
Severus sighed, turning his attention back to Harry, "He gave us both the worst of it. That daft fool."
"Yeah. Yeah, he did, " Harry nodded several times and took the moment to pause. A call of a seabird could be heard in the distance, which had distracted the both of them. But Harry felt he needed to address something else. "…Severus?"
After a long pause, the man responded heavily, "…Yes?"
"Please stop getting angry at everyone."
Severus gave a sidewards glance, "Eavesdropping again?"
"No, " Harry breathed, "I can tell when people are frustrated after talking to you."
"Everyone is getting on my nerves."
"They are only trying to help, " Harry said, softly.
Severus frowned, staring down Harry with such an intense gaze, "And yet you remain nonchalant. Why is that, I wonder?"
"I am not, " Harry shook his head, feeling uncomfortable with the man's consistent attempts to peer into his mind, "And stop trying to use Legilimency without my permission."
A small smirk played upon the corners of Severus' thin lips, appearing a little smug that Harry had eventually caught on with his attempts, "And will I ever have your permission?"
"Not when you're acting like that, no, " Harry snapped, "I don't know why you keep trying, but it's making me uncomfortable."
Severus paused for a moment, seemingly slightly sour from the rejected request. Instead, the man stood up from his perch and faced Harry with intrigue within his expression, "And here I thought your Occlumency skills were atrocious. This is surprising. I will find out, you know."
"I'm not using Occlumency. And I'm not hiding anything, " Harry responded, defensively.
"We shall see about that. We will continue this conversation another time, rest assured - " Severus strode over to the staircase and turned back once again to Harry with a warned glare, "Now go to bed."
Harry mumbled to himself, as he watched as Severus left from his line of sight.
Why on earth does Severus keep insisting he has been Occlumency? He had noticed the way Severus stared at him now, which Harry recognised as the man's attempt to peer into his mind. And he also noticed it on the night he had dinner at the Potter's. Ginny herself even suspected something, too. But it doesn't make any sense. Harry himself knew that it was one of the skills he was most terrible at, and he had no need to utilise it anyway. So, he couldn't understand why the man thought he was using such magic.
And why would he, anyway? He knew his memory was poor, but surely it had nothing to do with Occlumency?
He couldn't help wondering if maybe Severus was right – was he using Occlumency and wasn't completely aware of it? Could that have explained his lapse of memories and difficulty recalling events? Surely Occlumency wasn't blocking them unwillingly? There had to be a reason. Something in the pit of his stomach sunk and he realised Severus must have suspected that, too. He knew something was amiss and his attempts to prod Harry's mind were strangely unsuccessful. A powerful Occlumens couldn't even figure that out, regardless of his skilled use of Legilimency. Something was definitely wrong, and he needed to sort this out so he could regain control and access of his memories again. His mind was blocking them against his will and there were some things – people – he just did not want to forget.
What the hell was happening to him?
September 21st, 2002
[Severus Snape]
The first staff meeting of the school year was Severus' alternative version of hell.
Rubeus' scent of rodent carcass from the afternoon's grounds clean-up was enough for Severus to fight the urge to throw up in his mouth. Sybll's nonsensical mumblings sounded like nails on a blackboard and Poppy's constant bickering reminded him of his first and second year students whose childish antics got them all into trouble. Varick's softly spoken voice was at least tolerable, and the hearty, barked laugh of Gregory over some idiotic joke Rolanda had cracked, made Severus want to jump out of the nearest window.
He wanted to be anywhere else but there. And for a Saturday afternoon, that would be confined willingly to his own private lab.
At the corner of his eye, he observed Harry nervously picking at the hem of his robes, with Longbottom sitting beside him with a look of glee upon his face merely just excited to be there. At least one of them had any particular interest in the meeting. The Headmistress was explaining some of the issues with the school grounds, as per usual, and so her voice drowned out in the back of his mind. He willed himself to block it all out, as it was the only way he'd deal with the banter amongst his colleagues. He noticed Filius eyeing him suspiciously, but Severus shot him a bitter frown when the Charms teacher eventually turned his gaze away with a frustrated huff of his breath.
Get over it, Filius.
They must see him as some museum display, or something. An oddity that does not belong. A miserable case. A waste of space. He hardly opened his mouth to speak and remained silent during the agonizing ordeal, but he didn't need to. One word from him and he'd be facing everyone's wrath. That, he had absolutely no patience for.
The moment Minerva had ended the meeting, Severus stormed out of the room and ignored the persistent whisperings and chatter in which he left behind. He was not going to wait around hearing their complaints and issues with him. They accepted his return there, so now they were going to have to continue to deal with it as Severus was. He wasn't there to please them or make friends. He wasn't there to apologise to each and every one of them, beg for their forgiveness on bended knee, and most certainly not to bring a disgusting positive cheer.
No, he had a duty to his Slytherins and that was where he'd prefer to direct his focus. Once he can fix the problem, he was more than happy to send in his resignation and wave the school goodbye and good riddance permanently. No more duties, or obligations, and certainly no more attempts to tie up loose ends.
As of the Slytherins, Severus held back on intervening as of yet, until he was able to scope them under his acute observations. He needed to pay close attention to them this time and sense the most broken ones. That, which in Severus' experience, was not that difficult of a task. But standing back and merely watching answered some of his questions and asked many more. Through his classes, he noticed many of them had been avoiding him. Not one student even dared to approach him, and there was even an incident during a sixth-year class where a student was so unprovokedly shaken after his small retort over her blundered potions, caused her to suddenly burst into tears. He had noticed the girl cower slightly in his presence, but a mere cold look from Severus caused her to run away.
He knew this year would be challenging, as he very well anticipated many of the students to still resent him after his time as Headmaster with the Carrows in his sights. The Dark Year, as it was known to students. He loathed that term. He hated that they all called it the Dark Year when he was meant to be in charge of keeping them safe whilst still remaining within the spy role.
Severus Snape was helpless, no matter how much power he had that year. It was still not enough.
But he knew it would take some time and much effort, to figure out a solution for the Slytherins. But in order to figure that out, he'd need to understand their individual concerns and he couldn't know this if they all still feared him to some degree. He didn't want to be feared by them. What good would a Head of Slytherin be if they were all still trembling within his presence?
Now it all just appeared to be an impossible task. The thought alone left him once again angry, and frustrated. So much so, that he found himself bursting back through the doors of the Headmaster's office. Immediately he could hear Albus' feeble attempt to greet him and with each time before that, Severus was determined to ignore him.
With the sudden commotion, Minerva placed her quill back within its holder and rested her hands on the wooden desk. "Severus, might I ask to preserve the wooden door next time you decide to barge through?"
Ignoring the sarcastic remark, Severus sat down with such effort adjacent to Minerva, "This has been a mistake."
"How so?"
"I shouldn't be here!" Severus said angrily, earning a few dangerous glares from some of the portraits above.
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You know bloody well what I mean, " Severus clenched his jaw, feeling his entire body tense up, "I was their Headmaster whilst some of these students were in their younger years. The Cruciatus was being practiced upon first years by the seniors and I had to oversee and allow the Carrows to enact such atrocities just to keep my so-called allegiance intact. How else did you think this would fare for me? Or them? I am their worst enemy!"
"We'll figure this out – "
Severus cut her off with a hiss, " – Minerva! You knew this! You knew how this would play out!"
Minerva raised her hand to silence him; face stern, "Severus, listen and listen well. The position you were forced in was inhumane, as with the acts performed by such Death Eaters you were forced to work with. Yes, some of those students will still resent you. That, we have no control over. You'd be surprised to know that some students resented myself for not doing enough during your reign."
"I care not if they resent me!" Severus snapped, feeling an old anger bubble within him. His fist clenched at his side.
"We both know that is a terrible lie."
"Now you are speaking in foreign tongues!"
"Am I?" Minerva challenged, "As you are so vehemently ignoring the truth to my words, you won't even consider the possibility that your reconciliation with Potter has given you an alternative viewpoint on your own morality. You are not the same, Severus, and neither should you be."
"I am not for warm platitudes or sickly promises. Those Slytherins may not benefit from my oversight. I'm likely to do more harm than good."
"Do not undermine your ability to guide them. For goodness sake, I am not requesting you sit them down for therapy sessions over warm cocoa and apple pies, " Minerva shook her head; her eyes cast sternly at Severus as if she was silently scolding a child, "If they can reach out to someone who can finally understand their predicament, perhaps that is the first step. You are still healing, as with them. Heal together. It's the only way we can put the past behind us."
"This is a terrible mistake. I should never have accepted the offer to return."
"It is not – If I never suspected you'd be capable, I would never have asked you to return to us, " Minerva drew in a careful breath and lowered her voice, which had begun to tremble, "Help me assist them…please. They need you more than you realise. I can't have students climbing the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night again…You know this as well as I."
Severus hesitated for a moment, as his eyes flickered almost shamefully from Minerva to his own hands now twisting within his clasp, "My presence within Hogwarts may not be appropriate."
"The students know of your loyalty now, " Minerva finally managed a weak smile, "It's only been a few weeks – you expect a change so sudden and so quickly, but it will take time. Once you both find a middle ground – and you will - you will be able to mend those bridges and work together. We must do right by them now, Severus. You are their best influence. Will you at continue to try?"
Severus felt a little ill to his stomach. His mind was a whirlpool of conflicting thoughts and emotions, but he could barely get a single word out. His mouth opened to reply, but no sound escaped his lips. Instead, all he could manage was a weak, pathetic nod.
There was always a truth to her words. But Severus was worried that his presence may do more harm than good. He's already seen evidence of that.
He felt defeated – not only with the new task he accepted but defeated within himself. Everything he had faced within the last four years of his life since the War's end, now came full circle. Here again at Hogwarts, facing a new set of challenges. A strange version of himself he never thought would have ever existed and to face a world without the presence of Lord Voldemort anymore. A world where the Chosen One was tolerable and yet an important person in his life. Insufferable allies, but allies, nonetheless.
What was this life of his?
He felt confused and scattered. He knew what he needed to do but had no way or will of doing it. Occlumency at least helped him to reorganise his racing thoughts, but he was exhausted in doing so.
What was he doing here?
Attempting to make amends for his mistakes? Knowing that he ruined so many lives, had ruined him. He didn't even know how to deal with that. Nothing was ever easy for him, nor was any of it helping his mind at ease.
Harry…Harry wanted him to try again. Why did that Gryffindor idiot have so much faith in him? He often wondered if he truly understood how difficult this was for him to face and of all the fears he had dealt with in the past, returning to Hogwarts after the War appeared to be the most frightening. Merlin forbids he'd ever encounter a Boggart anytime soon and he wouldn't know how to handle it.
Severus was an absolute mess.
He picked his feet up and departed the Headmistress' office in time for another one of Albus' attempts to speak with him. He had no tolerance for the old man's usual cryptic nonsense and his mind was already a racing fury after the staff meeting earlier that day.
But throughout the day especially, there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he could not decipher. His head felt heavy and his mind dazed. Almost like a sickening unease. It would come and go in waves sometimes and he had begun to lose some of the sharpness in his thoughts. His memory was usually impeccable, and the feeling was observed to happen in waves, but he passed it off as his usual lack of sleep. At times, if he was silent enough, he could hear the faintest of whispers. But in a castle riddled with nosey portraits and careless ghosts, it could have been anything.
Now he wanted nothing more than to barricade himself back within the stone confides of his private lab, working away at the slow trudge of his project which required his acute attention.
As soon as the sun disappeared in the horizon and the castle was cast upon the dark of night illuminated by littered candles, he found one of his older students, Cyrus Hastwell, scurrying off in the other direction.
"Curfew, Mr. Hastwell, " Severus' voice commanded, echoing through the corridor as the child stopped in his tracks, "What is your hurry?"
Mr. Hastwell turned around, clutching a book tightly to his chest, "Evening, sir."
"Evening? I should not be catching any student out of their Common Room at this hour."
The child lowered his head, "Y-yes, sir. I'm on my way to the dungeons now."
Severus narrowed his eyes at the student, who struggled to maintain eye contact. The child withdrew slightly, before Severus continued, "…I do not want to catch you after hours again."
Mr. Hastwell nodded and scurried off away with his head lowered.
There was a familiarity to the child, no doubt. He had caught him several times close to curfew, often carrying the same, skittish, and withdrawn demeanor. He couldn't quite place it, nor was he ever able to get much sense out of him. The child was a slight nervous wreck, who needed a serious confidence overhaul. He found him sometimes with his small group of friends, but Mr. Hastwell was usually the one sitting on the outside nodding intermittently, without really engaging. The child seemed bothered – as with most of the Slytherins these days – but this one caught Severus' attention almost immediately after beginning his revived Hogwarts career. As average as he was during his academics, there was a silent ambition behind those hazel eyes and a longing for something more. Without the Slytherin drive, these students were, for lack of an appropriate word, useless.
This was not the kind of house Severus desired to lead and if he was going to hand those students the tools to brush themselves off and get a grip, he was going to figure out how to do that effectively. Preferably, without furthering the damage. He had done enough of that.
As Severus rounded the corner towards the descending staircase to the dungeons, he noticed Longbottom heading his way from the opposite direction.
Severus raised his chin, "Ah, Longbottom. The infamous serpent-slayer. You've made a name for yourself within these walls, so I've heard."
Longbottom paused for a moment to ponder the remark, but instead, smiled slowly, "Serpent slayer? That has a great ring to it."
"Don't get too big-headed, Gryffindor, " Severus sneered, "Took you long enough."
"Hey, I killed it. Surely that counts for something?" Neville's smile now turned into a grin, and that frustrated Severus even further. "Admit it, I did good."
"Not a chance, " Severus responded in a dangerous hiss.
"Come on, sir. You called me a serpent slayer. That sounds like a compliment to me, " Neville beamed, almost mockingly.
Severus clicked his tongue, a little impatiently, "If you're looking for praise, you're confronting the wrong person."
"Nah, you already did. Thanks, sir!" With a grin, Neville quickly walked off, purposely ignoring the protests from Severus.
"It wasn't – Longbottom!" Severus snarled, but it was too late.
Neville had disappeared towards the greenhouses, knowing full well the new Professor was smug about the ordeal. Severus swore under his breath, soon realising he no longer had the power to deduct points off Gryffindor from him.
Longbottom just had to become his colleague.
Could this day get any worse?