Do you feel safe?
Out in the light
Or is this the place
Where monsters hide?
You're not such an easy target
One minute I know you then I don't
I know you then I don't

You're not such an easy target
One minute I know you then I don't
I know you then I don't
Hello, who are you?
Hello, who are you?
Who are you?
Hello, who are you?
Hello, who are you?
Who are you?
You can't escape

You can't outrun
Your DNA
What's in your blood
You're not such an easy target
One minute I know you then I don't
I know you then I don't
- Who are you? by Svrcina

I sadly closed my eyes and took a few breaths of the still cool spring air to calm myself before I could suddenly feel the warm graceful fingers of him on my cheek, wiping away my tears. When my eyes opened wide with surprise, I looked into his questioning face.

"Forgive me. I didn't know if I could do this," he whispered in a soft voice.

"What do you mean? To hurt me again? To push me away from you?" I asked in a bitter tone, which I immediately felt sorry for as his hand backed away from me and his eyes narrowed.

"Don't you understand? I didn't want to come here, but I was too weak to protect you again. Just like Lupin, who only thought of his luck and sacrificed you. I thought you felt it earlier when I was no longer able to hide myself as I should have continued to do. It's unforgivable that I'm here. Why do I lose all sanity for a kiss or a gentle touch? Or that look of yours that makes all my objections crumble?" His voice pierced my head, but I felt that he couldn't make up for everything with his words. Inside me, my mind began to gnaw as my heart pounded hard in my chest with excitement at his sudden appearance. But I lacked more explanations for all this, because his old words still echoed in my head...

... Lily, my heart's desire ... Lily on our wedding... foolish witch... Pathetic...

He leaned his forehead gently against mine, his fingers continuing to run over my cheeks, which were still wet with my tears.

"Severus, why? Why did you say you didn't love me?" I whispered softly against his open mouth. But tired of simply answering me, his body suddenly sought distance again.

"I suffered as much as you did. But I wanted to keep you out of it all and prevent you from getting into the line of fire! You don't know what's weighing on me. If I told you..." He suddenly looked like a hunted animal again as he backed away from me, as if he was only now fully aware of the extent of his appearance. "No... I can't. You... you don't deserve all this, you have to live, Catherine! That's more important than my happiness in these times."

"Severus, what...?" I stuttered at his sudden reversal, as if a powerful spell had abruptly taken possession of him.

"It was wrong of me to give in to my weakness for you again and put your survival on the line. I should..." he began, reaching into his inside pocket, pulling out his wand with a jerk and pointing it at me. It was me this time who backed away into the house and at the same time my hand went to my wand of hornbeam.

"What are you up to? Change my memories?" I asked with a dry throat. But an unspoken spell burst out of its dark wood, and I brought my wand into position just in time to ward off his curse.

With a loud whirring, our spells met in the middle and immediately a connection of glaring light formed that surrounded both of us. But before anything could happen, our eyes widened in shock, because it was the first time, we had turned our wands at each other in earnest. It was something none of us would have dared to do, let alone ever thought possible. The two of us in a serious duel against each other, no rehearsal for the education like back in Hogwarts. This wasn't a game anymore. This observation must have shocked us equally because we both lowered our wands at the same time, so that our curses were directed at the ground and broke off.

"Forgive me," Severus whispered, holding on to the door frame to keep from sinking to the floor. I grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the cottage before closing the door behind us and taking a deep breath.

"What's the point?" I hissed angrily, but my anger dissipated as I looked at the pile of misery that suddenly stood in front of me. His face was as pale as I knew it, but his eyes suddenly looked dull and sunken. None of their usual mocking gleam stared back at me. He seemed to sense my thoughts as my gaze pierced him, for he averted his gaze before slamming his fist against the wall. It was such a hard bang that I startled when I saw his skin burst open right at the point of impact, a small drop of blood gushing out like a liquid of his despair, which now seemed to be coming out of every pore of him.

"I wanted you to forget it." His voice sounded strangely hollow, as if he seemed to have lost his sonorous depth. The last time I saw him like that was when he told me about his guilt to Lily. I drew in a sharp breath.

"You wanted me to forget that you were carrying a photo of me all the time and that you kissed me?" I asked, shocked.

"Indeed," he said quietly, trying to avoid my gaze again. "It was wrong of me to ever reveal myself to you at all. The danger you are in because of me is no longer measurable."

"Why? What has changed since the summer, Severus?" I asked as we took a step towards him. Everything in me wanted to hug him, but something was still holding me back, so instead I just reached out to gently touch his cool cheek. He flinched as if the touch burned him, and he backed away. His large, slender body pressed against the wall behind him.

"I can't tell you any of this without putting you at even more risk." His voice was soft but firm. I sighed and turned resignedly to the small cupboard where I kept potions and ointments for first aid. I quickly found what I was looking for, while my thoughts rushed within me as well as my blood. Why was it so hard for him to tell me the truth? Why did he play the aloof man who is not allowed to have feelings and a life of his own? After all, we're in a fucking war – again. Who knows how long it will last this time? Who knows if these moments were even our last? Didn't we at least deserve a good life? A life worth fighting for and putting our lifes on the line? Because sometimes I wondered if I still found it worth living without him by my side.

I went back to him and held my hand to him waiting. Hesitantly, he raised his bleeding fist to me and watched with compressed lips as I quickly dabbed a healing poition on the wound, which closed immediately, leaving only a small welt. Luckily, it wasn't very deep and didn't come from a curse, so that too would dissipate in a few hours. However, the touch made my skin tingle and I knew that the fire that spread through me could not be extinguished in a few hours. But I knew this was not the right time to give in to the desire of my heart and body. So, I looked seriously into his black eyes again, which kept me fixed the whole time, as if Severus wanted to soak up this moment with all his senses.

"So, you didn't want to endanger me. But how can you assume that I'd rather sacrifice myself than continue to be without you?" I asked in a cold voice and resumed his statement, which didn't make sense to me. I felt a sudden reluctance inside me, as if my fate had been sealed by his decision, without me having a say. And I knew deep down that it was indeed so. "Haven't I already proven to you that my life means nothing to me without you?"

I watched him think for a moment before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"It brought me to the brink of despair that you volunteered for this foolish task. The Muggle Minister was a clear target of the Dark Lord. He won't let a few members of the Order stop him any more than he will triumph over Potter. I tried to dissuade Dumbledore from doing so, but he didn't see any reason for it," Severus said in a hushed voice and shook his head briefly so that his black hair framed his face and fell into his forehead. "You knew that, didn't you? You knew the risk."

"Yes," I replied curtly, which elicited a sigh from him. We looked at each other for a while and I felt him wrestling with himself to tell me the truth or conceal it at a costly price. "And now tell me the truth, Severus! I insist!"

"Then I want you to trust me. Can you still do that after everything I've told you?" he asked quietly and looked at me a little uncertainly, which didn't seem to be his way at all and upset me.

"I always have, Severus," I replied, and yet there was a certain scepticism in my voice after all that had happened between us. He seemed to take in this breath at once, for he knew me too well.

"Then let me just explain. I want to show it to you so that you understand what I felt and experienced. Even if I am deeply reluctant to do so, because it not only puts your life at risk, but countless lives if our plan fails." His gaze seemed to me to place the responsibility for the outcome of this damned war on his shoulders.

"If you're willing to take on all of this, I insist that you share it with me, Severus. Just like we've always done. I don't understand why you want to leave me out like that," I replied, my eyes widening with anger. Did he still think I was the little girl from high school? Weak and too cowardly? After all that this war against Voldemort had demanded of me, he should know better.

"Good," he replied and opened his travel cloak to hang it carefully over the wardrobe next to him. "It's going to take longer."

"I'll make us some tea, then we can warm up," I replied and turned to leave, but Severus held me back.

"We're more likely to need the elfmade wine in the back kitchen cupboard." His voice was deep and dark again, his eyes showed a little sparkle, as if they were rekindling their old life at the prospect of a long encounter with me. He waved his wand, lit the fire in the cold fireplace and with a summoning spell there was not only the aforementioned bottle of elf wine, but also two crystal glasses that I didn't know yet. Severus didn't miss my questioning look at all.

"I chose these glasses as a birthday present for you. They are hand-blown and hand-decorated from precious crystal. I know that you appreciate it when a fine wine is also served in an appropriate glass. In the House of Blacks, you always chose glasses like that when there was something to celebrate." As he threw this explanation at me, he sat down on the couch and asked me to do the same with an inviting gesture. So, he had been watching me closely the whole time. I also remembered getting him a gift for his birthday, which was only a few weeks ago. It was a black scarf with silver threads, which I had knitted myself in lonely hours. With every fiber of my body, I had hoped to give it to them one day... when all this suffering was over.

I sat down on an armchair opposite him at a certain distance with my eyes half-closed. I knew that his immediate proximity would intoxicate my senses so much that I could no longer think clearly and would simply forget my questions, but it was not the best time to digress into such a frenzy of the senses.

"I hear," I said dryly as he pushed a full glass of wine towards me with the swing of his dark wand.

"I don't know where to start... even for me, it's a situation that is more overwhelming than I'm used to." His voice sounded tense and his dark eyes sought my gaze.

"Maybe the time would be right when you've decided to drive our relationship against the wall." I tried to keep the anger out of my voice, but I couldn't, because Severus drew in a sharp breath as his eyes narrowed into slits as he continued to fix on me. His jaw clenched noticeably as his gaze darkened.

"You still don't seem to understand the full extent, right? The Dark Lord has started spying on me after the failure in the Ministry's Mysteries Department. I wasn't sure exactly when he'd started doing this, if he already suspected that I was hiding more. But when he ordered the rat to live with me to support me, I knew that the two of us could no longer exist in this way.", Severus began in a bitter voice and this time it was my eyes that grew large with surprise.

"Peter Pettigrew lives with you in Cokeworth?" I asked in astonishment. That's when I actually reached for the wine glass in front of me.

"Yes. But don't worry, I'll use him for the stupidest tasks. My house has never been so clean. Unfortunately, he is not useful for more. But the Dark Lord didn't stop there. He sent Mulciber and Avery on my heels to shadow me. I had no choice. I had to leave you and—" he began, but I put my glass noisily and angrily on the table, so that he looked up in amazement.

"You had no choice but to leave me? What would it have been like if you had told me the truth?" I cried indignantly and crossed my arms in front of me.

"That wouldn't have been safe enough. You would have insisted on seeing me and I know I would have given in. Believe me, it was just as unbearable for me to see you at the meetings in the Order and to push you away from me, even though every fiber of my being wanted you with me." I saw his eyes get slightly moist before he regained his composure.

"I don't know, Severus. I just can't understand it." I took my eyes off him and stared out the window.

"Catherine, I beg you, you have to believe me!" he said, his voice and eyes so full of despair at that moment that I just couldn't help but nod. I heard Severus exhale in relief as I closed my eyes for a moment, struggling to keep my composure.

"I will let you into my mind. All the thoughts and memories I have are yours, Catherine," he said, placing his wand on the table next to him. But I remained skeptical and frowned.

"How am I supposed to do it? Just go through your head like that?" I asked, looking at him.

"Focus on what part of me you want to access. I'm not going to fight back. I want you to be able to understand me and maybe... forgive me too," he said, leaning back on the couch. I, on the other hand, straightened up and felt my hands clench around my wand. So, I put it out of my hand, because I knew I could do it without a wand, because I had already proven that to myself.

I concentrated my strength and tried to empty my mind, for I wanted to penetrate the man's mind without the slightest trace of skepticism, for I still loved. Then I opened my eyes and fixed on the black beads of Severus that sparkled at me, waiting for what was going to happen next. Our minds melted together and immediately I felt again that pleasant feeling of warmth, of affection that I could already feel in the dungeon of Malfoy Manor. And in that moment, I knew it was the feelings he felt for me. His love for me filled him completely at that moment. This made me search and I knew perfectly well that I wanted to wander to the moment when he first had doubts about our relationship. And I found him.

Severus stood in the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts and watched as a unicorn drank from a small spring. He thought that he had put me in danger. Me, as pure and innocent as that unicorn before him. The thought of this pained Severus. He closed his eyes and tried to shake it off, but he felt the thoughts eating away at him from the inside out.

Had he knowingly put Catherine in danger? The woman he loved more than his own life? He knew he was guilty again. He should have let her live her life without him. But he was too weak. At some point, he had to admit defeat to his feelings. The desire to touch her, to have her always with him, to love her, was too great. She was his Catherine. Severus knew he couldn't have continued to exist without her. She was everything to him now. Maybe she always had been.

He thought back to the young girl from his school days, which he was allowed to kiss under the mistletoe. That moment had changed him. He still remembered exactly how queasy he was when he looked around to see if there was anyone in the large entrance area to the Great Hall. After all, what would have happened if she had laughed at him and rejected him? He knew he wouldn't have been able to stand it. But isn't that exactly what it has always been used to? Rejection lurked in all his paths. Until he met Lily, who had accepted him for who he was. In his shabby clothes, his unkempt state, his inner demons. At least for now. Then he met her. Catherine. As lonely as he was and yet completely different. She didn't seem to quarrel with her fate, but she just enjoyed being a witch and being able to escape the old life within the great walls of Hogwarts. And that damn long hair seemed to want to catch him. He longed to wrap his fingers around her soft strands of hair, to look into her sparkling and alert eyes. And then she actually let it happen. She allowed his shy kiss, and he felt that he had enjoyed this tiny touch more than he had thought possible. Severus could still feel his heart beating as wildly as he did when he put her name on his tongue. He thought of how many times he had watched her behind the bookshelves in the library after the falling out with Lily and her, unable to go to her and ask for forgiveness. To her, the word mudblood weighed even worse in his heart. It had always been easy with Lily. Asking her for forgiveness felt easier. But with Catherine, it was immensely difficult. How could he look her in the eye? She had grown up like him, but she didn't hold a grudge against the Muggles like he did. She was more gentle, although she wasn't as naïve as many other girls. On the contrary, she seemed more mature through all her childhood experiences, the feeling of having to bear responsibility for the weakness of her own parents... He knew it as well as she did. But it led to anger and resentment against his frail origins, which led him to take the wrong path. Forgiveness was what he longed for, but Severus knew his guilt was too great. It wasn't just Lily's death that weighed on him. It was as if all the victims under the Dark Lord were his responsibility. He had finally given him power, brewed potions for him that led to the deaths of others, and had committed treason. To Lily and Catherine. In life itself.

Severus breathed heavily in and out at these gloomy thoughts as he watched the unicorn twitch its ears briefly. He knew he had to be quiet. Otherwise, it would notice him and flee. Unicorns do not appreciate men, they prefer the hand of a woman. And when he thought of Catherine, he understood these beings only too well. He would never have dared to dream of meeting Catherine again at Hogwarts after all these years. But the initial shock quickly turned into restrained joy. Something he hadn't felt after Lily's death. Catherine had thawed his heart with her laugh, her wonderful eyes, and her mind that was razor-sharp and yet so gentle. But hadn't he been selfish when he had explained his feelings to her after all these years? Although Dumbeldore had clearly warned him not to drag anyone into his life and thus his future mission. Everything was far too dangerous, yes, he knew that even without Dumbledore's wrinkled nose. But who knows when the Dark Lord would rise again? Maybe they still had an infinite amount of time ahead of them? How could he have slept at all with the thought of being without her, when everything in him was longing for her? But were his wish and desire really a good reason to drag her with himself into the abyss of a gloomy future? Maybe she would be happy without him? Would have a family? Catherine had come a long way with that damn Prewett. He shouldn't have cared if Lupin tried his luck. After all, she would have the chance of this life with him. He remembered Lupin sitting next to Catherine in the library, looking at her from the side with a greedy look. He understood it immediately, because that's exactly what he had to look like behind his bookshelf, watching her quill scrape across the parchment as she wrote her essay about Veritaserum for Slughorn. At the thought, Severus' hands clenched into fists. He was still so jealous of Lupin, and yet he was grateful. Thankful that he never had the balls in his pants to make his feelings to her clear. Had he known he wasn't good enough for her? That wolf? And yet, Severus himself was not good enough for her, because with him by her side, there was only darkness. They had to hide, they were not allowed to show their love or let anyone know it. All so that this damned plan that Dumbeldore had come up with would work.

But what if this useless boy fails? And the way he fared in the first few weeks at Hogwarts, untalented, cheeky, lazy, so things looked bleak about the future they had both imagined. How could they continue to believe in a future together after Voldemort when all their hope lay in this kid who was already spreading unrest in the first days and had not opened a single textbook? Contrary to his hopes, he was like his father and not like Lily. The only thing he had of her was her bright green eyes. And they scanned him like daggers. He was responsible for her death and for Voldemort still being present. Maybe he should try to put more pressure on the boys? Would that make him want to learn more? To become a worthy opponent against the Dark Lord?

Severus cursed softly at the thought, causing the unicorn's head to rise. She looked around anxiously until she picked up his scent and dashed away. Severus cursed himself for his weakness for not being able to control his emotions, even though he managed to hide them from the Dark Lord himself. He put her life in danger and he vowed to do everything he could to ensure her survival. He would make their protection his priority alongside the grand plan. What would happen to him would have to be irrelevant now. He owed it to his Catherine. And Lily.

The outline of Severus in the Forbidden Forest dissipated, for I wanted to move on. I wanted to see what had happened to make him push me away like that.

The outlines of Voldemort and Nagini appeared in front of me. The dark wizard absentmindedly stroked this gigantic snake next to him, whispered something to her, which made her hiss and made him smile. His red eyes rose and pierced through Severus, who kept his hands clasped behind his back, rubbing them together to push his emotions away as he wanted to cry out in disgust.

"Severus, you know there's no other way to control Pettigrew. He is weak, low-willed. We must not risk his flawed nature jeopardizing our plans. He will therefore dwell with you." The voice hissed through the mind of Severus, who tried not to give his dislike a place in his face.

"My lord, do you really think it's appropriate for me to have to deal with him? He might as well be cared for in Malfoy Manor, now that Lucius is in Azkaban, Narcissa and Bellatrix would surely be happy to have a new pet," Severus replied, knowing full well that it wasn't just the rat that needed to be controlled. Not after the failure in the Department of Mysteries and that Lucius was at least protected from the unspeakable wrath of the Dark Lord in Azkaban. He also didn't know why he still considered Lucius a friend, but he was by his side after the fall of the Dark Lord and the only one who didn't avoid his company, but wanted to entertain him regularly. He was startled as the Dark Lord's hiss echoed through the room again, but no movement came over his body.

"You're the one I trust to control completely, Severus. You are just as rational as you are. Except for your weakness for that one mudblood," Voldemort hissed back.

"My lord, thank you for your trust. But I'm afraid my orders from Dumbledore won't make me time-" Severus tried to make one last objection, but the Dark Lord spat bitterly.

"Are you saying you put him above my orders?" the Dark Lord replied, his eyes glowing.

"Of course not, sir. But I'm afraid Pettigrew is hindering my work for you and Dumbledore," Severus said, trying to stay calm. The very thought of the rat living with him in Cokeworth sent a strong reluctance through his body. He knew he had been under surveillance for the past few weeks. He had often spotted Avery and Mulciber behind a bush or a house, and had shown no sign of it. Pettigrew, too, occasionally followed him in his rat form. However, he was always able to shake off his pursuers. He had good reason, because if they found out his secret love... he didn't want to think about what the Dark Lord would do to her. He tried to shake off the fear inside him, because he knew his pupils were constricting instantly. Something that made the Dark Lord scrutinize him closely. Severus needed to control his thoughts. And his feelings. It would be best if he didn't have any more feelings that would betray him... He knew he had to act.

"I'm sure you'll do your job to my complete satisfaction, Severus. Just like I'm used to," the Dark Lord replied, leaning forward slightly. "You see, it's an order, not a request, Severus."

Severus nodded and leaned down a little, which was to show the Dark Lord that he respected him, even though he wanted to spit in his face. And the only one who, according to Dumbledore, is supposed to successfully stand up to this creature was Potter.

This stupid ass face can't even make a proper potion against boils. How was this rascal supposed to stand up to the Dark Lord? Even though he was still alive in an astonishing way. But Severus couldn't put all his hopes in such a lousy wizard with no talents. And certainly not the survival of his love. He had to take matters into his own hands. He simply had to save her from this cruel world and from a senseless death in this war. Severus felt that it would cost him all his strength, all his hope for a future together. But what became of him would not matter after this war. She had to live because a world without her... It wasn't worth living.

I broke away from that memory and moved on. I knew it was the point at which Severus had decided to make a plan. But I wanted to know what had driven him to turn the words against me and shake my innermost being. Figures formed again in front of me, which I immediately recognized.

Notes:

At the request of some readers, we now delve a little deeper into Severus' thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately I had to split the chapter up again, otherwise it would have been far too long and I was still dissatisfied with some points. Hence the first part and I hope you like it so far. If you have time, I would be happy to receive a comment, your opinion, thoughts, feelings... I appreciate hearing from you :)