Please Homer Don't Hammer 'em! Homer buys a DIY set of books but doesn't bother to read them. So Marge reads them and Becomes a Handy Woman. However everyone in town is sexist. Meanwhile Bart finds out Skinner is allergic to peanuts and torments him.
Plot
The couch gag is Ralph buying a Homer doll from a vending machine and biting the head off.
...
The Simpsons go to a dilapidated mall. A run down, ramshackle of a-
"Yeah, Yeah... We get it Narrator..." said Bart.
Anyway the place is a dump and stores are closing forever.
"This place is looking a little run down." said Marge.
"Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here." said Homer.
Mayor Quimby blubbered and sobbed, blowing his nose into a tissue. "Oh dad why couldn't that bullet have been for me?" He wept loudly.
His bodyguards comforted him.
"Poor Mayor Quimby..." said Lisa.
"Uh his brother ran over Snowball..." said Bart.
"Bart can't you see Mayor Quimby is mourning right now?!" Lisa ranted.
Bart sighed.
"Ooh, a J.C. Penney's... used to be here." said Marge sighing as the letters had fallen off leaving marks from where the letters have been.
"Ugh J.C. Penney's is tacky and for fat people..." said Oscar.
Bart laughed. Homer seethed.
"Now it's a collection of candle kiosks and Persian CD stores." said Bart.
"Scented candles... Scented..." Homer said being weird.
Bart winced.
"How you doing, bro? We've got the latest by Nabil, Uma Shang Shang, The Flower Song!" said the Persian store owner wearing a sports jacket and sweatpants. Aka A Tracksuit in Blighty...
"Ooooooh!" Homer tried to show interest.
"Uma shang shang Uma shang shang uma shang shang." The store owner sang along to Persian music. "Is like Bruce Springsteen the Boss, ya?"
"I guess." said Homer.
Oscar winced.
"If you buy now, I give you, uh, toothache cream. Toothache cream. Deal!" said the store owner.
"Deal!" Homer bought the CD.
"Sucker..." He laughed as they looked around.
Oscar looked at the Uma Shang Shang CD He was outraged the guy on the cover was burning the American flag. "Hey! He's burning your flag Homer!"
"Whaaaaat?! We're not good enough for ya?! bah!" He hurled the CD at the Store owner.
"You murdering Americans!" The Store owner yelled.
"If you don't like our country then leave!" Bart yelled.
Marge sighed embarrassed.
...
Elsewhere in the mall.
"Oh look 1987 calendars Oscar!" said Marge.
"Why would I want Calendars from a year before I was born..." said Oscar.
"See your mom's plans for vacations she made that may have got altered by her getting pregnant with you..." said Bart.
"Bart they don't sell used calendars..." said Oscar.
"I better buy one! In case we get trapped in 1987 again!" said Homer.
Oscar winced.
They pass the pet store All Creatures Great and Cheap.
"You know a great pun for the name of your store would be All Creatures Great and Cheep." said Oscar to Raphael.
Raphael sighed.
They then went to a candle kiosk, that sold scented candles.
"Scented..." Homer said doing his The Phantom of the Opera impression.
Dad cut that out..." Bart sighed.
Marge smelt a candle. "Oooooh! Raspberry!"
They then go to the magazine store.
Lisa swoons when she sees the teen boy magazine about handsome boys. "Oooooooh Corey..."
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Lis can you not distract your genius brain thinking about boys..." Hugo sighed.
"I bet you think about girls, Einstein..." said Lisa from the floor still in a daze about boys...
Hugo sighed.
Oscar read the rhyming Magazine titles. "Teen Dream. Teen Scream... Teen Steam... Martin Sheen's Teen Scene, Teen Scheme, Teen Beam... Teen Cream... Teen Team..."
"Oh god! Make him stop!" Homer screamed.
"Oh Foxhunt! Oh talley ho! I so enjoy the hunt! what-what!" said Oscar in a silly exaggerated posh accent.
Lisa frowned at him.
"Fox hunting is my culture... Like deer hunting and shooting bears is in yours..." said Oscar.
Lisa seethed.
"Let's split and look at other stores alone." said Marge.
"Great idea Mom." said Bart.
...
Bart goes to Captain Blip's Zapteria. An arcade.
"Ugh... This place is more run down than Noiseland..." He mentioned his local arcade.
"Yeah but the grouchy owner there won't let me run around like a lunatic..." said Oscar.
Bart sighed...
He played Rocky vs the Where's the Beef? Woman.
"Where's the beef?"
"You ain't so bad."
"Where's the beef?"
"You ain't so bad."
"Where's the beef?"
"You ain't so bad."
"Ugh... These games are so ancient... Who got these high scores?! Pilgrims?!" Bart groaned.
Pilgrim Bart from The Wettest Stories Ever Told shrugged.
Modern day Bart winced and gave him a hard look.
Bart then played triangle wars.
"Hmm, never saw this one before." He is baffled by the game. What's going on here "Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them?"
Oscar shrugged.
"What does this button do?" He pushed a button.
"I ask that same question, shortly before wrecking your brother's laboratory by setting off some gadget or self destruct sequence..." Oscar chuckled.
Bart groaned as more triangles appeared.
"Now my ship is pooping more triangles."
A sound came from the game.
"Oh, no, I won a free game." He sighed.
Oscar played Remington Steele the game.
"That looks nothing like Pierce Brosnan..." said Oscar.
Bart winced.
Hugo scampered in on all fours growling.
"Hugey do you wanna play on the old arcade machines?"Oscar asked Hugo.
"No have money..." said Hugo.
"Hugo the machines are free... For some reason..." said Bart extremely bored by the obscure games.
"Well this place ain't worth our quarters..." said Oscar.
"That's probably why it's closing down Oz..." said Bart.
...
Homer went to a candy store that was being closed down as Raphael was packing everything away, for good.
"Ooh, gummy worms!" He helps himself to the gummy worms.
"That candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you." said Raphael.
"Don't tell me how many times to think!" Homer said annoyed.
"Just remember to always think twice..." Oscar sang part of Billie Jean.
Homer strangled him.
Oscar wheezed.
Bart sighed while playing Triangle Wars again.
Back at the candy store Homer takes out the whole rolled up carpet sized cylinder of gummy worms from the dispenser.
"That's like my bowel movents when i'm really constipated..." said Oscar.
"Don't put me off my food!" Homer snapped.
He meets up with Marge while holding the carpet roll of gummy worms.
"Mmm... You are not bringing that thing home." Marge sighed.
"Then stand back." Homer attempts to swallow the roll of gummy worms like a python. "This doesn't taste like I thought it would." He groaned.
"Well they're probably stale..." said Oscar.
Eventually he swallowed the lot.
"Well, if you're through, I would like to check out the book store." said Marge.
Homer politely compromised. He didn't really like books apart from Angelica Button or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But he grin and bare the store for Marge.
Bart groaned as he was rather blunt letting everyone know he hated books.
"Fine... Go and check out the The Brushes Are Coming! The Brushes Are Coming! store..." Marge sighed to Bart.
Bart wasn't interested in a brush store.
"They might sell Nimbus 2005s..." said Oscar.
"Uh no... that's a No-maj brush and broom store..." said Bart.
The Book store. Marge was browsing a book while Maggie was ripping pages out of a book.
"What lovely, fascinating books." said Marge.
"We already own a book." Homer sighed.
Marge sighed annoyed at him getting bored.
"Wisconsin From Above. Veterans' Day Parades. Ooh, Smiles of Ireland! Redheaded twins?" Marge read the book titles. "Their mother must have her hands full."
"You're telling me..." said Molly Weasely.
Marge grimaced baffled.
...
The China Zone crockery store.
Wilford Brimley was in there.
"I have Diabeetus!" He said the meme.
Oscar winced baffled. He pulled out from his shorts, a live and fully grown bull. He unleashed the bad tempered bovine upon the crockery store.
As you can imagine a lot of valuable and fragile things were smashed...
Oscar went off whistling to hide his guilt.
The book store. Homer found some DIY carpentry books.
"Cool, a carpenter's library. This doesn't look easy, but I'll bet it is." said Homer.
"Well, I like the idea of you as a handyman. And I love the idea of you reading." said Marge feeling the romance.
"Oh, yeah?" Homer put on his Dumbledore spectacles. "Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah,"
"Ooh Oh!" Marge got aroused.
"Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." Homer continued to pretend to read.
Marge giggled.
"Okay, now you do me." said Homer.
Um okay...
Bart gagged at them being sultry. He glanced bored at the books... "Ugh... No wonder this store failed. No one likes books..."
Lisa was checking out a photo booth. More on how that went in part 2...
"Don't I get any screen time..." she signed. No you Mary Sue!
Bart remembered when Chief Wiggum released a lion in here.
"Yeah and I thought Jumanji was happening..." said Oscar.
Bart sighed.
Plot 2
At home, the Kitchen. The kids were sat at the table while Marge read the mail. There was also a plate of cookies and glasses of milk...
"Me eat cookies! (Rude eating sounds)." said Oscar eating the cookies.
Bart sighed and rested his head on his crossed arms embarrassed.
"I never want to go back to that mall. There were eels in the photo booth. Eww!" Lisa had a series of passport photos of her being terrorised by eels in a photo booth.
Bart laughed. "Whoever put those eels there is the ultimate prankster! Gahahaha!" Bart laughed.
Lisa glared at him.
"Bart, here's a letter from your school." said Marge reading the letter. Marge it is also Lisa and Hugo's school...
"A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge." said Bart acting guilty... Lisa frowned at him. "I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate." He tried to cover up what he admitted to.
"Cooooool! fire..." said Oscar obsessed with fire...
"Someone at your school has a life-threatening peanut allergy." said Marge.
"Cool! Who is it?" Bart asked.
"The letter doesn't say. But from now on,no peanut products are allowed on school property. Hmm, let's see what you've got." said Marge going through his lunch box packed for tomorrow.
"Peanut butter and jelly sandwich,"
Oscar sang the Noodle song from P,B and J Otter...
Bart winced at him.
"...trail mix, starring peanuts." That's not funny...
"Good grief, more peanuts!" There was a Peanuts comic in there.
Bart laughed. "How did that get in there..."
"You block head..." said Oscar.
Bart frowned at him.
Homer came in looking a bit pale and groaning. "Oooooooh..."
"Oh no! Those expired gummy worms must have made you sick!" said Marge.
"I need the bathroom! Now!" Homer ran off to throw up.
Marge sighed.
...
Kwik e Mart.
"Hmmmmm... I wish that letter arrived sooner... Now I have to get lunch ingredients without any nuts in them..." Marge sighed looking about the aisles.
"Mom I don't like fruit..." said Bart.
"You need fruit!" Marge said sharply.
Bart sighed.
"Can I have Gummy Worms as part of my lunch?" Oscar asked.
"No! And why?!" said Marge.
"So I can annoy Bart because Milhouse annoyed him in Treehouse of Horror XIV by constantly mentioning gummy worms..." said Oscar.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Well the answer is still no." said Marge.
"Let me have gummy worms or I'll hold my breath for a million years!" Oscar yelled holding his breath until his face turned red.
Marge sighed.
At home Homer watched sports.
"Harley Mozell is hit from behind by J.T. Delacroix! And Earl Tilleson! Oh, and Buddy Rollette! And the Pecker Brothers," Gahahahaha! Pecker... "Danny and Dell! And the ol' Grizzly himself-" There's a bear involved too?! "Weasel Johnson Junior!" That's a silly name!
"Look at that carnage. We are worse than the ancient Romans!" said the other commentator.
Homer chuckled but nearly hurled as he grabbed his sick bucket to be sick in it.
Suddenly a being resembling Jabba the Hutt slithered in.
"What the?!" Homer gasped.
"I am Cron!" said the creature.
"Okay..."
"Basically I can make things happen, just like that." He snapped his brown fingers. Cron summoned a flamingo wearing a bowler hat.
Homer grimaced.
"Big deal... I can do that..." said Oscar snapping his fingers, a monkey wearing a business suit appeared. "Oh and Homer, I'm not really here. This is just an illusion..." His voice distorted.
"Oh god! I'm really sick! Stupid gummy worms!" Homer cried seeing things that weren't real.
...
Later.
Marge got home. Sighing as Oscar got his gummy worms...
"And Pizza bagels..." Oscar added. And those too...
Bart went up to his room.
Marge went into the lounge.
"Homer are you gonna build anything with the help of those carpentry books?" she asked.
Homer threw up into his bucket. "Marge I'm sick!"
"Oh yeah. sorry dear..." said Marge.
Oscar passed Cousin Hank in the hall.
"Degenerate freak..." said Hank.
"Go die in a hole, bitch!" Oscar snapped.
"Boys!" Marge scolded them.
"Auntie how is he justified!? He keeps writing weird Diaper smut!" Hank yelled.
"It's not smut.. and I can write what I want..." Oscar seethed.
Hank shot him an icy glare.
Marge sighed.
Bart was pulling faces at his reflection. He did the inside out eyelid thing...
"Don't you dare..." Chuckle in the mirror covered his eyes in disgust.
Bart winced. "Yeah your other selves can be soooo different...
Marge saw Homer was using the carpentry books as a foot rest.
"Maybe I should be the Handyman or Handy-woman around the house..." said Marge.
Homer barfed in his sick bucket.
"Why bother? We're all slowly dying..." said Homer.
Marge sighed.
"That's what you said about Global warming..." Lisa sighed.
"Homer this isn't just about today after your bad tummy. I mean in general. Why don't you follow-through with anything..." Marge sighed.
"I follow-through after I fart sometimes." said Oscar. (He sometimes messes himself after a fart.)
"Eeeeeew..." Lisa groaned.
Oscar laughed.
...
The master bedroom. Someone stole the carpet for some reason!
"Yeah um that happened last episode..." said Oscar.
Marge tripped on a loose floorboard and tipped over a nightstand, breaking off one of its feet.
"Oh, the floorboard broke my nightstand. Hmm..." she sighed. "Hmm..." She read the carpentry books Homer was supposed to read.
Marge fixed the nightstand. "I did it! What's that strange feeling? It's "of accomplishment"!"
The front yard. Marge built an ornate sign for the house on the lawn that read "The Simpsons". Then she built a bird house and a bird hotel.
"Wow, Mom, you made all this? It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry." said Lisa. Jesus was a carpenter...
"Aww, what a sweet blasphemy." said Marge.
Ned frowned and made a "I'm watching you" gesture at Lisa.
"This is a valuable skill. People might even pay you to build things for them." said Lisa.
"I could start my own carpentry business. I'm already arranging the clip art for the letterhead in my mind." said Marge. She imagined a logo. "Perfect!"
Superintendent Chalmer's house.
"Can I help you, Miss?" asked Chalmers.
"I'm here to fix your bookcase. You answered my flyer." said Marge.
"Hmm, yeah. And you're the carpenter?" asked Chalmers.
"That's right." said Marge.
"I see. Not that I have anything against female carpenters, but I have some pictures hanging that you might find, um... unsavoury." said Chalmers.
"Ooooooooooh! Kinky..." Oscar wagged his eyebrows.
Marge sighed.
"Um yes..." said Chalmers.
"I am so spreading that around the school..." said Oscar chuckling.
They ask Krusty.
"I don't know... What if you're pregnant and give birth in my bath tub... And don't say you're infertile... I've heard it all before." said Krusty.
Marge sighed.
They then ask Frink.
"Um... Glavin..." said Frink.
"Mom I think everyone here is sexist!" said Lisa.
Marge gasped.
"Hear me out! A woman can do any job a man can..." said Lisa.
"Certainly! Well except play James Bond..." said Marge.
"Mom a woman could be the next James Bond..." said Lisa. "It would be a refreshing change."
"Hell no! Do not ruin Bond for me!" Oscar yelled.
Lisa frowned at him.
...
Home.
"How about you secretly do the work and I take the credit?" Homer asked.
Marge shot him a sharp look.
"Fine... Try and fight the misogynists in town... Marge some of the guys here just want to see a fat guy in a flannel shirt doing the handy work..." said Homer.
"Homer J Simpson! This is the twenty first century and they are letting me do handy work!" said Marge.
Homer sighed.
...
School.
Everyone is being frisked.
"Okay, give me all your peanuts, Goobers, and Fluffer Nutters.." said Willie frisking everyone.
"Oh, why should we have to give up our salty snacks just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?" Bart groaned. "Who is this selfish jerk anyway?"
Oscar glared at Bart.
"It's not me, I swear. I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears." said Milhouse. He cried. "Oh, no. Call my allergist..." his eyes swelled up and broke his glasses. "and my optometrist."
Bart got frisked. "Willie, you can tell me. Who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?"
"I'll never say his name." said Willie.
""His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude." said Bart.
"Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a man or a woman these days." said Willie.
"Hmm." Bart laughed deviously.
Skinner's office.
"I've taken all the peanut products. Just like the English took our sheep and our women in 1291. Then, they sent them back, which was worse!" said Willie carrying a sack of peanut based snacks.
"Yes, yes, every day we go through this. Why don't you just incinerate the contraband?" said Skinner.
"Will do, but first, Willie gets his gob-full." Willie ate the confiscated snacks.
"Careful with those peanut crumbs! My allergy is so sensitive, a single molecule would make my throat close like a museum at 4:45." Skinner whimpered.
Bart outside laughed evilly.
"What are you planning jerk..." Oscar pinned him against a locker.
"Who pissed in your cheerios..." said Bart.
"Listen bub!" Oscar snapped. "Allergies are no laughing matter. You have an allergy to shrimp! How would you like it if I had shrimps and prawns for lunch!?"
"I should consider that as reason to come to my senses but no, I've got a prank in my head forming..." said Bart.
Oscar growled and left him.
Bart shrugged.
Plot 3
Marge lead a feminist protest.
Her placard read "Carpentry not CarMANtry!"
Lisa's read. "Behind every Handyman is a Handy-woman!"
"Okay fine... Marge you can fix my bookcase..." said Chalmers.
"I'm still sexist! And proud! Yeehaw! to patriarchy!" said Rich Texan.
Marge frowned.
"He'll change his mind when his gazebo doesn't get built..." said Oscar.
Marge couldn't care less about the stubborn oil tycoon.
And then there was a four-legged mutant time and space bus!"
"Okay..." said Homer.
And screaming leprechauns...
Leprechauns screamed.
"I agree with these empowered women!" said Sideshow Mel. "Also Doctor Who should one day be a woman!"
"Hell no!" Oscar yelled. "Make your own original character! Stop changing existing ones!"
Marge sighed.
"Laaaaaaadiiiiieeees!" Chalmers yelled. "I always wanted to yell that." He smiled. "Marge, I have already relented."
"Fine... You can build me a sideboard..." said Krusty.
"Ga-hoy..." Frink sighed.
"Well ladies... I know your one weakness..." said Rich Texan.
"Oh really?" said Marge.
"Yeah... STAIRS!" said Rich Texan. A giant flight of stairs appeared.
Everyone gawked at him baffled.
"That's Daleks... not women..." said Oscar.
"Oz why are you fudging the episode up to help Mom..." Bart sighed.
"Because woman power!" said Oscar.
"Yeah but they're bugging you going on about Female James Bond..." said Bart.
"The next James Bond should be female..." said Lisa.
Oscar seethed. "I'll deal with you later..."
...
School.
Bart was bowling, with Skinner's trophies as pins.
"Bart, Skinner's going to be really mad at you." Lisa warned him.
"Yes, you might say he'll "blow up"."Bart laughed.
Oscar glared at him.
"What ever. I've got some paper to mâché." said Lisa heading off somewhere.
"Simpson! Report to detention at once." said Skinner.
"Ah, I'm not a big fan of detention. You might say it drives me nuts." Bart had a peanut tied to a stick.
"My allergen." Skinner gasped.
Rock music played while Bart tormented Skinner.
Ie he batted Duff cans at him.
Then he made him write "A baby beat me up." On the blackboard.
Then he fired tennis balls from a tennis ball launcher at him.
Then Skinner had to say something embarrassing down the announcement speakers.
"I'm a cootie eater. I've been one all my life. I like the cooties so much, I have a cootie wife. " said Skinner.
Everyone laughed.
Skinner sighed.
Bart then made him write in very bad grammar...
"Didi mao! Didi mao!" Bart yelled in Vietcong.
"Bart this grammar is apalling! I ain't not a dorkus is not a real sentence!" said Skinner.
"What part of Didi Mao don't you understand?!" Bart yelled.
Later Bart is playing golf, with Skinner's mouth as the hole.
"Bart..." Oscar asked.
"Yes..." Bart asked.
"How are you able to hold Skinner hostage like this without Mrs K and the other teachers stopping you?" Oscar asked.
Bart pondered. "I don't really know..."
"Me neither! This entire episode is preposterous..." said Skinner.
"Shut up!" Bart yelled.
Skinner sighed.
...
At home. Homer was feeling better.
"Oh I don't feel like a man letting my wife do handy work..." Homer sighed. "Oh but sports!" He put the sports channel on.
Also there was a gay jellyfish. Yes a gay jellyfish.
Hugo sighed. Dad had only himself to blame and his slothful behaviour.
At Builder's Barn.
Marge was shopping.
"Oh Marge watch your nails! All that tough, manly work will break them!" Helen laughed.
Marge sighed annoyed.
"For your information Helen I am fighting for women's equality so you can be more than just a housewife..." said Marge.
Homer sat in front of the TV watching sports or comedies. He drank his cans of Duff and then hurled the empty cans at Hugo. Hugo growled as they bounced off of his head.
Marge came in, Homer sighed. "Marge I feel useless."
"Well that's because you're so lazy! I ask you to paint the garage and you're like "I'll do it later..." Marge ranted.
Homer sighed.
Marge built an ornate back board for the bed.
"Ooooooh! Awwwww! I should be carving that..."
Homer sighed feeling left out but acknowledging it was his his own fault. Marge asked him numerous times to build or fix things around the house.
Elsewhere Bart made Skinner put The Crazy Cat Lady's cats down his pants.
"This is gonna hurt me..." said Skinner.
Bart was pointing the peanut on a stick at him.
Crazy Cat Lady yelled confused.
"Uh I'll give you, your cats back later Ms Abernathy." said Bart.
Crazy Cat Lady growled and jabbered in an accepting tone as if to say "Aaahhh... that's okay, as long ad I get them all back..."
Skinner sighed.
The Principal had nightmares about the Mr peanut mascot that night.
"He scares me too. Especially after that time all the advertising mascots came to life and Mr Peanut started eating people!" said Oscar.
...
Skinner's room the next day.
Bart broke into his house and poured garbage all over his bed.
"I made you breakfast, Eat it!" Bart pointed his peanut stick warning Skinner. Skinner reluctantly took a bite of an old boot.
"Now what?" Bart asked.
"Where is my mother to stop you harassing me in my own home?! Mother!" Skinner yelled.
Mother didn't respond.
"Hmmmm that's odd. It seems everyone who could stop your campaign of terror IE the teachers, Willie and my mother have vanished." said Skinner.
"I don't really care as I can torment you all I want. Now eat the garbage..." said Bart.
Later Bart makes him do something weird at the comic book store.
"Yes..." Comic Book Guy asks him his business for stopping him from taking an early lunch break.
"It says here I am to breast feed this Bilbo Baggins figurine in your store." said Skinner.
Bart laughed.
"Okay that's funny..." Oscar chuckled.
"It seems to me, Schoolmaster, that a young prankster has found your kryptonite." said Comic Book Guy.
"Kryptonite? What's that?" Skinner asked.
"I'd laugh at your ignorance but you don't seem the type interested in comics so that's understandable. Kryptonite is Superman's weakness, Like the Wicked Witch of the west and water..." said Comic Book Guy.
"So Bart could have a kryptonite..." Skinner pondered.
"Yes, but right now you may suckle your Bilbo..." said Comic Book Guy.
Bart laughed at Skinner.
At home, Homer frantically read his carpentry books. "Gotta get good at carpentry! Gotta be a handyman and get back my masculinity!" He read. "Awwwwwww! These books are hard!"
"Homer you are a shameful man! Your wife does all the handy work! And we guys only want to hire another sweaty, hairy guy to do our handy work!" said Kent Brockman.
Homer gasped.
"When I'm lazy or unskilled at a task I hire another guy to do it! But this town has no carpenter! Can you fill that role?" Kent asked.
"No I'm just a sweater wearing beta man like Caililou's Dad..." Homer sighed. He resided to the fact he was one of the town's useless citizens.
Hugo came in to the lounge eating his fish heads wondering why Dad was talking to the TV.
Homer wept lamenting his laziness.
...
At the General Hospital at night. Skinner broke into the patient files room. He looked for Bart's file. He found it eventually.
"Ah. I have you now Bart..." said Skinner.
"I have you now..." said Darth Vader.
Skinner gasped baffled.
"Yeah the plot descends into Star Wars references..." said Darth Vader.
Skinner sat smugly in his office awaiting Bart.
Bart came in with a bowler hat full of maggots.
"Good morning, Seymour. You may be wondering what I'm doing with this hat full of maggots." said Bart smugly.
"Actually, I'm not wondering at all. Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long." said Skinner.
"Enough of the sexual innuendos!" Oscar yelled.
"Eat shrimp and die!" Skinner pointed a shrimp on a stick at Bart.
"No! I'm allergic!" Bart cried. Their sticks cross.
"Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old." said Skinner.
"No one teaches me history!" Bart yells.
Star Wars Music plays as they have a lightsaber battle.
"Cooooool!" said Oscar.
"I would like a lot less criticism about how I forget Bart's allergy to Shrimp. I mean is it really that important to constantly bring up he can't eat shrimp?!" Matt ranted.
"Yes... It's like Homer's love of donuts or Lisa's saxophone. It's part of canon..." said Oscar annoyed.
Bart and Skinner continue their lightsaber battle.
Hayden Christensen leaving a Starbucks grimaced baffled when he saw Bart and Skinner fighting with sticks topped with a shrimp and a peanut respectively.
"What ever happened to the cute little Anakin from the Phantom Menace?" Oscar asked.
"Oh Jake Lloyd? He's been diagnosed as s psychotic lunatic." said Milhouse.
Bart and Skinner rode a bus to Little Bangkok. They zip-line into a peanut shrimp factory. They fight on a rope bridge above the vats of peanut shrimp.
"Peanuts?" Skinner gasped.
"Shrimp?!" Bart cried.
"Yuuuuum!" Oscar was delighted.
"Bart you were the chosen one!" Skinner cried.
"Can we not plagiarise Revenge of the Sith..." Bart groaned.
"Do the line..." said Oscar.
"You underestimate my power..." said Bart.
"Don't do it Bart! I have the high ground!" said Skinner.
"Kids don't die!" Bart yelled lunging at him. The bridge broke and they fell into the peanut shrimp and suffered allergic reactions.
"With my dying words I must announce, I was... El Barto..." said Bart.
"Nooooooooo!" said Skinner.
...
Hospital.
Bart and Skinner were in hospital beds on Antihistamine with swollen faces because of hives.
"Bart I'm so proud you saved your Principal's life." said Marge.
"What lies have you been feeding her Simpson?" Skinner sighed annoyed.
"Shut up!" Bart hurled peanuts at him. Skinner hurled shrimps back at him.
Marge sighed. "I'm gonna look at the babies..."
"I wanna play with the babies!" GIR the robot cheered.
Zim winced.
In the waiting room Homer wept.
"Homer why don't you just take credit for Marge's work?" Carl asked.
"No! Dad needs to be honest and getter better at carpentry!" said Lisa.
"I feel so emasculated right now!" Homer cried.
"Okay fine! My husband built Gary's bookshelf, Kent's gazebo and Frink's bird house!" Marge yelled.
"But we saw you do that!" said Frink.
"Yes but my lazy husband needs to stroke his own ego rather than graft and study a new skill! Otherwise he'll get depressed..." said Marge.
"Dad just accept the truth! That Mom is handy about the house and you're the one man in the world who isn't!" Lisa yelled.
"No! My ego!" Homer cried. "Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?!"
"I want a Daddy who lives in the real world!" said Lisa.
"I hope my kids never say that... I love living in a world of make believe!" said Oscar. Frogs wearing funny hats, the unicorn from Simpsons Bible Stories part 1 and screaming leprechauns arrived.
Lisa sighed as Oscar was day dreaming.
Marge went back to the maternity unit.
"Arrrrrr! You're the catch of the day!" Captain McAllister said to his newborn son. Apparently he is married...
"I thought he was gay..." said Oscar.
"I thought he explained he is only gay out at sea." said Teddy.
"I thought he stated he was married to the ocean..." said Hugo.
"Nah he hates the sea and everything in it..." said Oscar.
In another ward Mayor Quimby was holding his newborn son or daughter..
"Um Mr Mayor, Your wife wants to hold the baby..." said a surgeon not understanding the blonde secretary in bed is NOT his wife.
"My wife's here?!" Quimby passed the baby to the surgeon and fled.
Plot 4
At Home everyone was mad at Bart.
"Bart that's monstrous! Making fun of your principal's allergy!" Marge yelled.
"Yeah, How would you like it if we chased you round with a shrimp on a stick?!" Lisa yelled.
"Or a bottle of butterscotch?" said Oscar glaring.
"Or imitation butterscotch." said Homer.
"Or a piece of cauliflower..." said Hugo.
Bart sighed.