"How about you go wash up? Buck from next door is going to be over soon," Eddie directed, bumping Christopher with his elbow. "You gonna be polite?"
"I'm always polite," Christopher replied, rolling his eyes in annoyance. It wasn't with the same attitude he'd had before though. After a rough few days, the tension that had been brewing in the house had dissipated. And Eddie was so relieved that it had.
Christopher's anger had been mostly Eddie's fault, which wasn't a surprise. He was so different from the sweet boy he'd raised all these years and Eddie felt so helpless. The one thing that would make his son happy, he couldn't give him. So instead, he tried to pretend that everything was fine. He thought that if Christopher saw him moving on, he would too. But that had been a mistake.
After another blow up that cut Eddie deep in the core of his paternal insecurities, he excused himself to his bedroom to give Christopher a chance to cool off. He'd broken down as soon as he slumped onto his bed, biting his fist to try to keep the sounds to a minimum. But he hadn't been as quiet as he thought. Christopher came in soon after and caught him before he could pretend he was fine. And in the end, that was the best thing that could've happened.
Christopher crawled into his lap, finally letting go of all the hurt he'd been holding back. The reason he'd been so angry was because Eddie was pretending like he was fine. As if the move and everything that came before it was no big deal. Eddie trying to be strong and hiding his true feelings gave Chris the complete wrong impression.
In his household growing up, you didn't show emotion. Especially if you were a boy. Crying was for babies and girls only, so Eddie had forced himself to bottle everything up and pretend nothing affected him. He made sure not to raise Chris the same way, giving him the space to feel his feelings openly and unashamedly. But it was still a hard habit to break for himself.
Eddie finally let Christopher see how much he was struggling, letting him know that the move wasn't easy on him either. He didn't give all the details of course, since his son was too young to know the truth about his mom. But he let go of the thought that feelings made him less of a man. They'd held each other and cried for what felt like hours, before passing out for the night on Eddie's bed. It still wasn't perfect and probably wouldn't be for a long time, if ever, but it was better.
Now that they were settled in a bit more, Eddie decided it was finally time to make good on his invitation to Buck. He hadn't seen the man much since he'd brought the muffins over after their talk. The muffins that had been devoured the same day. Eddie heard him coming and going at weird hours, but he didn't try to talk to him. He knew that firefighting shifts were long and tiring, so he didn't want to bother him.
Eddie decided to go with homemade pizza, since it was easy, but also showed some effort. The crust was pre-made and the sauce was jarred, but he made sure to get an array of toppings. He didn't want anything that was too complicated and make Buck think that he had to do work while he was their guest. Eddie had gotten a tiny bit better at cooking over the past few days, if you considered warming up a can of soup and heating pans of frozen food in the oven. Nothing had been ruined and everything had been edible, which was good enough for now. The gourmet stuff could wait until after Eddie started consistently sleeping through the night without waking up and having to check all the locks in the house multiple times.
There was a knock at the door and Eddie immediately felt nervous. Not because he thought there was danger on the other side, but because he was worried about how the night would go. This was the first time that he would be interacting with someone for an extended period of time as the new version of himself.
It wasn't like the Marshalls had given him a script he had to work off of. There wasn't a list of things he had to like or dislike, or fake memories he had to pass off as his own. He still got to be himself, just tweaked a bit. A new name and a vague past. It kind of felt like putting on an act for the rest of his life, but hopefully it would get easier with practice.
"Hey Buck, it's good to see you," Eddie greeted as he opened the door.
"Hey Eddie," Buck replied brightly, smiling as if they were old friends who were seeing each other for the first time in a while. Buck always seemed so cheerful and optimistic. It was equal parts refreshing and startling.
"What's all this? You didn't bring a back-up dinner, did you?" Eddie asked, gesturing to the basket in Buck's arms.
"Nah, I left that at home, since I wouldn't have to go far to grab it," Buck joked, lifting the lid a bit. "I brought some sparkling juices. I wasn't sure if you were a drinker, especially with a kid around, so I brought something we all could enjoy."
"That's nice of you," Eddie replied, shaking his head at how effortlessly kind Buck was. It was probably how he'd ended up in his field. Helping people and being thoughtful came naturally to him. "Come on in. I was just finishing up in the kitchen."
"Should I get my fire extinguisher?" Buck asked with mock seriousness.
"Ha ha," Eddie scoffed, rolling his eyes. The joke didn't have any bite to it, so he wasn't offended. If a question like that had come from his parents, it would've felt like a reprimand. A reminder that Eddie was a failure at something. But Eddie didn't feel any judgment coming from Buck. "I'll have you know that I haven't set any fires. Not even to light a candle."
"Bravo," Buck cheered, letting the basket slide to his elbow so he could clap. Eddie felt his cheeks heat up a little at the over the top praise. When compliments were so rare, he would appreciate anything he could get. Christopher chose that moment to walk back into the room, hanging back a little instead of coming in full force.
Before everything went down, Christopher was the definition of an extrovert. Everyone he met was a potential friend. If there was someone left out or sitting alone at lunch, they wouldn't stay that way for long. Eddie loved that about him. The ease with how he went through social situations was inspiring.
But ever since their worlds flipped upside down, he'd changed. He was more cautious, which was unfortunately necessary. But Eddie could see that he lost a bit of the hopefulness from his eyes. And the trust in the good in other people. Eddie hoped that one day, when all this was a distant memory, Chris wouldn't hesitate to be that friendly person again.
"Christopher, you remember Buck from next door," Eddie said, gesturing for him to come closer. Chris came over slowly, sizing Buck up along the way. If Buck noticed, he didn't show it, keeping his relaxed smile the whole time.
"It's nice to officially meet you, Christopher," Buck greeted, kneeling down so he wasn't towering over him. "I actually brought you something."
"What is it?" Christopher asked in interest. "More muffins?"
"Not this time," Buck grinned, rummaging in his basket under the bottles. "It's a book that talks about beaches. I've even been to a couple in there. It's got great pictures."
"Thanks," Christopher replied, accepting the gift gratefully. "Can I look at this now?"
"Sure. I'll get you when it's time to add the toppings to your pizza," Eddie said, letting Chris go off to the couch so he could flip through the book. Eddie led Buck into the kitchen. "You really didn't have to do that."
"I know," Buck shrugged.
"I can pay you back for it."
"No way."
"Buck."
"Inviting me over is enough," Buck insisted. Eddie could tell he wasn't going to win the argument, so he nodded in defeat.
"Thank you, for the book and the drinks. I'm sure you've sparked Chris' newest obsession. He loves learning about new things."
"That's great. I love kids. The days that different school groups come to the station for a tour are my favorites."
"Do you have any kids?" Eddie asked, cringing as soon as the question left his mouth. "Sorry, that's none of my business."
"No, it's fine. I don't have any kids yet, but hopefully one day. Just gotta find the right partner first," Buck replied. Eddie felt a flash of emotion flit across his face before he could stop it. He'd never regret having Christopher, but it was undeniable that he and Shannon hadn't been the best together. Even before all the tragedy. "I didn't mean anything by that."
"I know. It's okay," Eddie said, smiling sadly. "Chris' mom isn't in the picture anymore." That's what he'd been telling people since she walked out of their lives. It was still true, even though it was very permanent now. Eddie didn't feel the need to go into more detail than that.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. It's hard, but being his dad is the best thing I've ever done."
"He's a great kid. You've done an amazing job with him," Buck said, looking back toward where Chris was sitting, flying through the pages of his new book. Buck was right about Chris being amazing, but he wasn't sure he could take any of the credit. Depending on who you asked, Chris was how he was either thanks to or in spite of Eddie. He hoped it was at least a little more of the former.
"We should get started on these pizzas," Eddie said, deflecting away from the previous conversation. It had gotten a bit more personal than he'd planned, but Buck seemed like a guy who was easy to open up to. That still felt risky at this point. "I figured that you'd be fine with gluten, since there was some in your muffins, so I got the regular crusts. And all the toppings are in their own container."
"I'll eat anything," Buck replied, eyeing all the food excitedly. "One day I'll teach you how to make homemade pizza dough."
"That sounds way outside of my capabilities. I'll probably end up burning the pre-made stuff."
"I won't let that happen. And I bet you're good at a lot of things, as long as you put your mind to it."
"Well, you don't really know me. I could be a walking disaster," Eddie pointed out. If you asked his parents, they'd say he fit that description more.
"No way. I'm good at reading people, so I can tell. You're a cool guy."
"Cool," Eddie scoffed, turning toward the sink before Buck could see the flustered look on his face. Why were Buck's casual compliments affecting him so much? It wasn't like he sought out praise. The silver star stuffed in the back of his dresser filled him with sadness more than it did pride. And he'd long since abandoned any hope to hear kind words from his parents. In their eyes, there was always room for improvement, so it was a better use of time to focus on that.
"Mushrooms, olives, two kinds of pepperoni? If you're trying to impress me, it's working," Buck said, tapping a finger next to each selection.
"You must be easily impressed," Eddie snorted, turning to face Buck again. "Everything I got is from the local grocery store."
"Al's Market? Not a bad selection, if you're just shopping for the basics. If you don't mind going a couple minutes further, there's a great shop. Freshest meats and produce for the best price."
"I'll have to check it out. We haven't explored much since we got here." Eddie had focused on going places that would interest Christopher, so a couple museums and a few parks. The open spaces kind of made him twitchy, but he powered through.
"I could definitely take you around town to the best spots. I love showing people the best parts of the city," Buck offered, looking excited at the idea. Eddie had never met someone so willing to do things for other people, with honest enthusiasm.
"Teaching me to cook and being my tour guide? That's kind of a lot."
"I don't mean to be annoying, I just-"
"No!" Eddie said quickly, not wanting Buck to think for a second that his generosity wasn't appreciated. "I just don't want you to feel you're obligated to do something, in case you change your mind. You might realize you hate my company tonight."
"I'm pretty confident that that could never happen," Buck said, leaning forward with a sly grin on his face. Eddie felt a weird feeling flutter around in his stomach. That was something he knew he hadn't felt in a long time, but he couldn't remember when he had. Maybe it was gas.
"I'm pretty hungry. We should probably start cooking, huh?" Eddie mumbled, reaching blindly for one of the crusts. "Use whatever toppings you'd like and put it in the oven. You don't have to wait for me."
"It might help to actually turn on the oven," Buck pointed out.
"Dammit," Eddie muttered, stopping himself from smacking himself on the forehead. He hit a few of the buttons, trying to remember what temperature to set it to. He'd thrown away all of the packaging, trying to make the presentation of everything look nice for their company. If he had to do the walk of shame and dig in the trash to look at the directions, he'd die of embarrassment.
"Let me help," Buck said, leaning across him to adjust the setting. "You want it hot enough so the crust gets crispy and the cheese gets all gooey."
"Right," Eddie breathed out, forcing himself to stay still in the close proximity to Buck without twitching. How long had it been since he'd been this close to someone? Eddie made sure to hug his son as often as he could, since he grew up in a house mostly without touch, but that was different. He hadn't felt the comfort of another adult's presence since Shannon left. There was always a divide when it came to his family. It wasn't so harsh when it came to his Abuela or Tia Pepa, but he always kept them at arm's length as well. He didn't know any other way.
"Cooking is mostly science, when you get to the bare bones of it. Using a reaction to change something into something else," Buck explained, leaning back against the counter. "Once you get the hang of that, that's when you can figure out the secret. The thing that makes ingredients into a meal."
"And what's that?"
"Love, of course," Buck replied with a grin. Even though it was corny, Eddie couldn't help matching his expression. "Anyone can follow a recipe-"
"In theory."
"But when someone puts their heart and soul into the dish, you can taste it. It can make the most basic sandwich into the best thing you've ever had."
"Is that why your muffins were so good?"
"I try not to do anything without passion. What's the point of life if not to enjoy it?" Once again, Eddie didn't know what to make of Buck. Being around someone who seemed excited about life was so unlike what he was used to. The day was always something to get through. Eddie tried to make every day great for Christopher, even if that meant sacrificing everything of his own. But Buck went into something as mundane as making dinner as if it was something to celebrate. Like it was a privilege to get to do a chore every day for the rest of his life. Maybe Eddie was reading too much into what Buck was saying, but maybe it was okay to be less pessimistic every once in a while.
"Well then, I'm sure your pizza will end up tasting a lot better than mine."
"How about we share?" Buck suggested, raising one of his eyebrows.
"Sure. If you're in the mood for pizza with a side of disappointment."
"Nothing you make could ever be a disappointment," Buck insisted, fixing him with a stern look. "You shouldn't do that."
"Do what?"
"Be so hard on yourself. Even if no one in the world is nice to you, you can still be nice to yourself." Eddie glanced away in embarrassment. Positive self talk was never a strength of his, since all the negativity drowned it out. It was easier to be self-deprecating, since if he acknowledged his shortcomings in a humorous way himself, other people wouldn't feel the need to point them out in a more biting way. "I guess I'll just have to be nicer to you to make up for it."
"Maybe so," Eddie agreed quietly, rolling his eyes to make the moment feel less serious. There was a part of him that still felt so raw that a forceful enough nudge would have him breaking to pieces. That happening in front of Buck would either drive him away or leave Eddie with too many questions he couldn't answer. Best to keep conversations light and all that buried inside.
"Is it time to put the pizzas together yet?" Christopher asked, walking into the room. Sometimes Eddie really loved his son's timing.
"You bet," Eddie nodded, clearing a spot for him to work at the table. Chris wasted no time piling toppings onto his crust, almost overloading it to the point of toppling.
"I like your style," Buck grinned, sprinkling his own toppings with gusto. Eddie had a more controlled approach, laying each piece down in an even layer. He took just enough to cover most of the cheese, but didn't want to overdo it.
"You should add more, Dad," Christopher said, pressing down on the top of his pizza so he could stack more.
"I think mine looks good," Eddie replied, shifting a few of the pepperoni slices so they were more evenly spaced.
"Practically ready for Instagram," Buck laughed, pulling out his phone and pretending to take pictures of it.
"Absolutely not," Eddie waved off, pulling his crust out of sight. He really hoped that Buck wasn't the type of person to put every bit of his life on the internet. Social media had never really been his thing, but it definitely wasn't now. If the people they were hiding from found them because of a photo posted online, it would be equally as embarrassing as it was horrifying.
"I can appreciate a man who appreciates his privacy," Buck said, nodding in approval. "I'll admit that I went through a phase where I wanted to get as many followers as possible, but I realized it was getting in the way of actually living."
"What changed your thoughts about it?"
"I stopped appreciating the moment and wasted so much time trying to get the perfectly curated photo. Like, I'd be standing on the beach, taking dozens of photos, just trying to get the one. Then afterwards I'd realize I barely got to enjoy the sun and the water. Now I'll still take pictures, but they're for my memories, not to impress other people."
"You definitely don't need a photo to impress people," Eddie said offhandedly, blanching a little when his words registered in his brain. That was not the kind of thing he said to someone he barely knew. Hell, even to people he knew well. He didn't know what it was about Buck that was making his lips so loose, but it was really throwing him off. "Time to put the pizzas in?"
"I'm ready!" Christopher called out, sliding his massive pizza over.
"Coming right up. Hopefully," Eddie replied, grabbing Christopher's pizza and setting it on the rack in the oven. "Ready, Buck?"
"Always," Buck grinned, handing his pizza over as well. Eddie made the space for it, making sure their pizzas would have enough room to cook. His could wait. "We can get yours in too."
"Nah, it's fine," Eddie waved off.
"Believe me, I'm good at making things fit in tight spaces," Buck insisted, reaching over to grab Eddie's pan. Eddie let him, since his brain decided to short circuit in that moment. If his touch starved mind was turning everything into an innuendo, he was in trouble. But alone time was nonexistent and he'd had no one in his life since Shannon, so it was most likely hopeless. "There we go. I once had to rescue a litter of kittens from a sewer. This was a lot easier."
"Yeah, kittens," Eddie mumbled. Eddie was mentally spiraling, but Buck was talking about kittens.
"I'm gonna go back to my book," Chris announced, heading back into the living room.
"I'll call you when it's time to wash up," Eddie called after him, turning his focus to the mess on the counter. "I should wash up too. Put this stuff away. Clean the dishes. You can sit down and relax."
"I think I know what your problem is," Buck said suddenly.
"I only have one?"
"You get distracted while you're cooking. You try to do too many things, instead of focusing on the one task."
"Those pizzas can't already be burnt."
"No, I wouldn't let that happen. This is just an observation. You don't seem like the kind of guy who lets himself slow down, so you always find something else that needs to be done. And that's fine in certain circumstances, but a little less fine when a couple minutes can make or break a recipe," Buck explained.
"How- we've barely been around each other. How could you possibly know that?" Eddie asked in bewilderment. Buck had him nailed to a tee. When he was in the military, he always had a dozen things to do and not enough time to do it, but you had to make it work. And when he was home, he was always either working or doing something around the house. Doing nothing was unfathomable. Sleep was pretty much the only time he gave himself permission to rest and even that was usually plagued by nightmares when his mind settled down enough to let it happen.
"I'm good at reading people," Buck shrugged. "And I used to be the same way. I searched for years for a place to belong, but barely let myself stop long enough in one spot to see if it fit. It was kind of like with the social media thing. Once I realized what I was doing wasn't working for me, I changed it."
"Sounds nice," Eddie said softly. He'd never had a chance to truly figure out who he was and what he wanted. When he was a teenager, he was taught that he needed to be someone like his father. A man who worked for his family and was stoic, only around to be the leader, provider, and disciplinarian. And then he had a child too soon, which ended up giving him the most amazing gift of his life, but it was still hard. He went into the Army because it was the only thing he could think of to give his new family the life they deserved, but it had never been his goal.
Once he was out, instead of trying to find his new place as a husband and father, one half of that was abruptly taken away. He could honestly say that he would've stuck it out with Shannon forever, even if he wasn't happy. If he thought it was what was best for Christopher, he would do anything. But since she left, the past few years had put Eddie into the role of father and also son again.
He had to take on so many jobs, just to keep his little family afloat. One specifically for the insurance benefits Christopher needed, one he could do while Christopher was in school and therapy, and one he could do overnight whenever he was sleeping over with his grandparents. Eddie never stopped going because he couldn't. He couldn't figure out what he wanted to do, because he never got to stop doing what he had to do.
And now here he was in a new town, with a new name, but he still wasn't free. He was even more controlled than before. There was a chance to reinvent himself, but only under the confines and watchful eye of the government. Everything he'd worked for in the past was gone, all due to something beyond his control. So Eddie couldn't stop. He didn't have the privilege. Hell, he didn't even have his own name anymore.
"Hey, where did you go?" Buck asked. Eddie blinked away the fog that had taken over his brain, finding Buck standing in front of him and staring at him in concern. Part of him wanted to break and spill all the turmoil that was swirling in his brain. To confide in this person he barely knew, consequences be damned. But he couldn't do that to Christopher. Eddie could never put his son in jeopardy, no matter the cost to himself.
"I'm fine."
Buck didn't push him to say more or casually psychoanalyze him after that. Eddie put away the unused food and cleaned up while Buck kept a close eye on the oven. Eddie knew this would most likely be the only meal they shared, since Buck would see that he should cut his losses and steer clear of him. Not every interaction was meant to turn into a friendship.
"This is great!" Christopher exclaimed as soon as his pizza was cool enough to take a bite out of.
"Better than any pizza place in town," Buck agreed, digging into his own pizza with vigor. Eddie picked at his a little more slowly. His appetite tended to disappear when he got caught up in his own head, which was often. At least it helped lower the food bill.
"I really like the book you got me. Thank you," Christopher said, taking a sip of the sparkling juice Buck brought. "The glass beach was my favorite."
"Isn't it cool? That nature turned something that people thought was trash into something beautiful?"
"I wish I could see it, but I don't know if we're allowed to go," Christopher said sadly. Eddie barked out a startled laugh, turning everyone's attention to him. He needed to change the subject before Chris said something that he shouldn't.
"I don't think a road trip is in the cards for us this year, but maybe next summer. Hopefully by that time, the house will finally be unpacked," Eddie joked, trying not to grimace at Buck's forced chuckle. A comedian, he was not. But maybe now the focus would be on how awkward he was.
"There are a lot of cool things to do in town. Did your dad tell you I'm a firefighter?"
"You are?" Christopher asked in awe. Firefighters had been one of Chris' obsessions a few years back, along with Olympic athletes and mail carriers. He had a very curious son.
"You should come down to the station sometime so I can give you a tour," Buck suggested, grinning as Christopher's face lit up.
"Can we, Dad? Can we?" Christopher asked, practically bouncing out of his seat in excitement. There was no way Eddie could say no to him.
"I don't see why not," Eddie agreed. It might be good to meet more first responders, in case something bad happened. And seeing more of Buck didn't sound terrible either. Maybe they could end up friends.
"I'm gonna go see if I can find my firefighter book!" Chris declared, rushing off before Eddie had a chance to respond. A move like that would've cost him dearly as a kid, since asking for permission to be excused was a steadfast rule, but Eddie loved that Christopher didn't have to worry about things like that. He knew how to behave in serious or formal situations, but he was allowed to be a kid without fear.
"I should've talked to you before I offered in front of him," Buck said once Chris was fully out of the room.
"It's alright," Eddie waved off. That usually was the way to go with kids, but he didn't mind. Buck only had good intentions. "I haven't seen him this excited in a while. It's nice."
"Happy to help. Maybe one day I'll be able to get you excited about something as well." Excitement wasn't something in the cards for Eddie anymore. Constant anxiety perhaps, but that was as close as he would get. He'd let Buck keep his optimism though. Just because Eddie was barely keeping his head above water, didn't mean he should drag anyone else down with him.
"Maybe."