NOTES (Prepare yourself. At the time of writing this, I'm about to lose my mind.)
Hey y'all, how's it goaosiOIAFNOIFKNAOKnfiasKFnASIOfnopsakoajFNJNOASKNOFnAFSJJKNSOFJnA
Ooooh my god do I have an anomaly of a chapter for you.
Alright, first. This took forever, I know. Apologies first, but let me explain to you what happened.
This chapter was incredibly difficult to write, first of all. Nothing too extravagant there, that happens sometimes. But! What paired really poorly with that is that
this chapter
is 18,000 words long.
By FAR the longest chapter in this story so far, and the worst part is that I had ZERO intention of it turning out this way.
This isn't like a 'hurhur surprise big chapter' thing. I seriously didn't mean for it to end up like this at all.
There's more I desperately, desperately want to say about this chapter, but I'm not about to say everything before you guys even get the chance to read it.
So! There will be another notes section at the bottom of this chapter.
Alright. Good luck. You might need it.
Montgomery Gator
I'm just about ready for everything to go back to normal.
I mean, it's goin' pretty well so far. Pizzaplex is back open, regular hours, regular visitors.. It just feels like the last few days have dragged on forever.
Being awake for a good 32 hours probably didn't help.
But y'know what? It starts today, things are gonna go back to normal today. Swear on me mum.
...
It's easy to say these words, but I know I don't really have control over how things turn out. It's reassuring to be back on my normal night-routine though. I've been back to the Pizzaplex a number of times since I worked last, but I was only ever there to mess around or help out with unique tasks.
Don't think I've even been to these sub-levels since then either.. Guess now would be a good time to say thanks for the drawings the endoskeleton gave me since I'm headed in that direction anyway.
...
Y'know, just considered that Moon was able to roam the entire building freely while the lights were out over Christmas.. Hope that doesn't cause any issues..
Not that Moon would deliberately cause problems for anyone (I hope), he's just a little mischievous by nature. Honestly, it might be better that Moon is the one that likes to roam instead of the jittery mess that is Sun.. Sun seems like the type that would get a little too excited and bump into something, eventually resulting in the entire building collapsing into a pile of rubble. That just seems to be how his luck 'is'.. Moon might do the same thing but deliberately, for better or for worse..
- Vrr -
Oh boy. I'm famous.
-.-.-.-.-.-
TXT (Night_Crew)
Freddy: If anyone runs into a Fazer-Blaster sitting around somewhere, I'd greatly appreciate it if they would return it to me.
Freddy: Not naming names, but someone appears to have misplaced it.
Monty: I lost it.
Freddy: Monty lost it.
Chica: Monty lost it?
Monty: Monty lost it.
Freddy: Monty lost it.
Trudge: Monty lost it.
Chica: Monty lost it.
Roxanne: Oh my god. Shut up.
Chica: Rox!
Chica: We almost had everyone!
Roxanne: Stop calling me Rox.
Chica: You're no fun..
Trudge: Rox's no fun.
Chica: Rox's no fun.
Monty: Rox's no fun.
Freddy: Rox's no fun.
Michael: Rox's no fun.
Roxanne: Holy shit.
Roxanne: You're not getting your stupid blaster back if I find it.
Michael: I'm still sweeping the Pizzaplex, so I'll keep an ey-
-.-.-.-.-.-
- Bonk -
Ow.. There's a pillar there.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Roxanne: ?
Michael: Sorry, I'll keep an eye out for it.
Michael: Ran into a pole while typing that.
Roxanne: Perfect.
Roxanne: Expect no less from the moron who's getting paid to protect us.
Monty: Think I left it in the arcade.
Roxanne: Which arcade?
Monty: The, uhhhhhh.
Monty: The left one.
Roxanne: Facing towards or away from the stage?
Monty: Towards.
Roxanne: West one. Go get it Mike.
Michael: The West one? The one that's on the opposite side of the building from Fazer-Blast?
Monty: That's the spice.
Michael: Why?
Monty: Left it there.
...
Michael: Okay.
Michael: I'm in the endoskeleton area, so it's gonna take me a while to get over there.
Michael: Rox, you're closer.
Roxanne: I am under no circumstances getting up from this bed.
Michael: Lazybones.
Roxanne: You're getting paid to do literally this.
Chica: I'm in the auditorium right now, I can grab it real quick.
Roxanne: It's funnier making Mike do it.
Chica: Kinda.
Michael: I'm begging you not to make me go all the way back over there.
Roxanne: Beg.
Michael: Nevermind.
Michael: What the hell is this obsession you have with 'begging'?
Chica: Uhhhhhmmm...
Chica: You know where exactly I should be looking?
Monty: Not really.
Chica: Is it where the actual, like, 'arcade' part of the arcade is?
Monty: Probably?
Chica: 'Cause if it's next to all the machines I might hafta lo-
...
Monty: Chica?
Trudge: I found it. Shot Chica with it. She's playing dead on the floor.
Monty: Ah. Where'd you end up finding it?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
- Bonk -
Ow! Godammit!
Alright, no more watch until I make my way out of this deathtrap..
Found the endoskeleton that gave me the picture, we had a nice little interaction. A limited one, since the endos either can't or choose not to talk, but it was nice.
These things aren't so creepy once you get to know them.. It's all the metal and permanently half-lidded, disinterested eyes that can be unsettling, but they're pretty cool.
...
Sometimes I wonder if it's even necessary to come down here.. Surely these guys constantly patrolling the area do a way better job than I do by coming down here once a night.
Well, the endos seem to like the company, so I'll keep stopping by. Not sure they even have a method of communicating that something's wrong even if they do see something out of place, so maybe it's good I drop by every night anyway.
This damn watch has been buzzing like crazy ever since I told myself I'd wait to look at it again.. It sounded like the gang had pretty much resolved the situation by the time I decided to drop out, so who knows what the hell they've been talking about all this time.
Maybe I should check real quick, just in case they found something else important to talk about.. I'm gonna stand my ass perfectly still this time though. Pillars hurt.
...
...
Yeahp, nothing important, that's for damn sure.
Seems like the group chat devolved into gossip and small talk after Trudge came across the Fazer-Blaster. Kinda nice to see the gang getting along so well. They have no reason not to, I guess, but.. I dunno, it's nice.
...
Roxanne's.. Been peculiarly absent, now that I've been scrolling around here for a while. I know she isn't as social as the rest of the gang is, but Roxanne in particular seems to be fond of texting. Kinda figured she'd stay relevant.
...
I progressively start to scroll through the text faster. Man, they had a lot to say while I was busy.. I just wanna see where Roxanne dropped out of the conversation, for curiosity's sake.
...
...
Oh- There.
Seems like Rox was engaged in the group chat for a good while.. Hell, she seems to be talking more than anyone else. Did she just get bored?
The last few messages she sent occurred while the gang was heavy in the 'gossip' field I mentioned earlier. If I had to guess what a schoolgirls group chat would look like, it'd be this..
Some day crew they like, some they don't favor as much.. Who some people 'like' like, or whatever matches they're fantasizing at the moment.. A couple attempts prodding secrets out of each other.. Betcha Rox had something to say about me in that last category.
...Yep.
Right about here is when Rox sent her last message, so maybe I'll snoop around in this section a bit..
-.-.-.-.-.-
Chica: Nope! I don't have very many secrets though, so maybe someone else can help.
Monty: Aww, that's just 'cause you're bad at keepin' em.
Freddy: Let's not be rude..
Chica: Nah, Monty's right. I try havin' secrets, but I always accidentally tell people..
Roxanne: You 'try' having secrets?
Chica: Yeah! Everyone else does it!
Roxanne: No one else tries to have more secrets, it just happens.
Chica: No- I mean everyone else has secrets, so I want some too!
Roxanne: ..Okay?
Chica: Mike's really good at it. Maybe he can give me a secret to try not-sharing.
Roxanne: Right!? Isn't Mike just the fuckin' worst with those things?
Freddy: Let's not be rude...
Monty: Nahh, he lets us know enough.
Roxanne: Mike doesn't let us know 'anything'.
Roxanne: Couple days ago I had the 'audacity' to try learning something about him, but he just clams up and avoids my questions.
Chica: There's some stuff he won't tell me either! But I think it's just 'cause talking about it makes him uncomfortable..
Roxanne: I'm not asking for very fricken' much. Nothing that should ever make him 'uncomfortable'.
Roxanne: For example I tried asking him about where he's from or what he did before coming here, and he SO obviously just avoided every question.
Roxanne: And he seriously 'refuses' to tell any one of us why he's friggen purple. I tried asking, but all he said was that he 'couldn't tell me'.
Roxanne: I know it's stupid or whatever, but I wish he would just trust me. Or any of us.
Freddy: ..?
Chica: ..?
Roxanne: ...?
Freddy: Michael worked at old Freddy's locations. In fact, he's never had a job outside night-guarding those old places.. Is that what you mean by 'what he did before coming here'?
Freddy: That was never a secret, at least not to me. Mike had no trouble sharing that with anyone as far as I can tell.
Roxanne: Huh?
Chica: Yeah. Mike told me that too.
Chica: Are y'sure Mike said he couldn't tell you why he was purple? He never showed you that gigantic injury on his body? Mike told me it's why he's purple. I still don't really get it.. But he didn't hide it from me!
Freddy: Michael had an injury?
Chica: Yeah, it's super weird! He didn't tell you?
Freddy: I suppose he had no reason too, I never asked.
Chica: Mm, he only showed me for a special reason, so that makes sense.
Chica: He's okay though! Mike said it's from a very long time ago.
Freddy: Are you sure Michael didn't misunderstand your questions, Roxanne?
Chica: I think Mikey trusts us just fine! There's just things he doesn't like sharing, but that's okay!
...
Freddy: Roxanne?
Chica: Maybe she fell asleep. She said she was in bed.
Freddy: Maybe.
Monty: I gotta get to know Mike better. I didn't know any of that.
Monty: Don't think I asked either, though. But if I had a big scar or something, I'd show everybody. That sounds fricken' cool.
Chica: Yeah! You could make up stories like-!
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Roxanne never sent another message after that one.
My arm falls down to my side, and I stare at the floor in front of me.
...
...
Uh oh...
...I think I need to talk to Roxanne.. Like, right now..
- Knock knock -
- Pshh -
"What?"
I take a couple steps into the room, expecting the worst.. But Roxanne only appears to have been in the middle of putting something away in her desk when I walked in.
She's looking at me like she always does when I walk in. 'What's up?' kind of look, but.. I can see it.. There's an emotion beyond what she's trying to portray lining her eyes, and it's not a good one.
...
"Mike, what? What do you want?"
I'm.. Not really sure how to initiate this conversation..
"Is it alright if we talk?"
Roxanne narrows her eyes and slides the desk drawer she was in closed.
"Do we have to?"
"..You don't want too?"
"Of course I do. It's just gonna be fucking pointless though, right?"
I wince, but keep it subtle.. I don't like thinking about her this way, but if she notices any weakness, she'll be all over me.
Good to know we're on the same page, at least..
"It would be pointless..?"
"Yeah, let me show you." Roxy lets go of the drawer's handle and turns to lean on the desk herself. "Show me this 'injury', right now."
...
Roxanne breathes slowly, doing a better job at keeping her cool than I might be.. After some time, she comments on my reluctance.
"Come on. You showed Chica, right? So what are you waiting for?"
...
I breathe and maintain eye contact the best I can, but I know what I have to tell her.
...
"I can't."
Both of us knew damn well what I was going to say, but Roxanne still couldn't stop herself from grimacing, letting a little more of that venom in her eyes melt into her expression.
"Then that's fuckin' it, right?" Roxanne turns her head away. "You want to 'talk', but you won't. You weren't gonna 'talk', you were gonna sit there and stare at me like an idiot until I exhaust myself from trying to get answers from you."
"I'm.. Sorry, I know it's frustrating.. Listen, I'm in no position to ask, but can you trust me for a secon-?"
Roxanne violently rises from the desk.
"Don't you fuckin' dare tell me to 'trust' you! I do trust you! I've always trusted you! but no matter what I fuckin' do, you won't trust me!" She raises a finger towards me. "What about Chica then? You seriously mean to tell me that you found her more worthy of your trust than me? That fuckin' loudmouth?"
"No, listen. There's a reason I could show Chica but not you. It's not because I trust her more than-"
"Mike." Roxy's repeats my name, her voice shaking with controlled rage. "What did I tell you about being honest with me?"
"I am being honest..!"
You read the document. Chica hasn't. If you were to see my injury, there's a small but absolutely unacceptable risk that you'd start putting some pieces together.
"You're not! You never fuckin' are!" She erratically lifts her hands up in frustration, then drops them back to her side. "Mike, I've been trying so fricken' hard to show you how much it means to me that you just tell me the truth sometimes! You said you'd work on it, but you're no better than when I found you!"
Unexpectedly, that kinda struck a nerve.
Hey, that's.. That's not true.. I've been working hard to get better. I even put myself in some risky situations that I could have easily avoided if it weren't for my promise to you.
Instead of backing down and letting her vent like usual, the small tripped nerve pushed me just enough to say something in response.
"I have been getting better. I've been working hard, I promise. The reason Chica knew anything about my job history is because I reminded myself that you wanted me to stop lying."
Roxanne is not happy that I didn't recede upon hearing her voice... But I get to defend myself too. I meant what I said.
"Mike, if that were even remotely true, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. If you were being honest with me, then I'd know the same shit everyone else does."
"That's not what that means. It's because I've been extra honest with you that I can't show you the same things I could show them."
"That doesn't make ANY sense!"
"I don't know what else to tell you."
"Give me an example then." Roxanne puts a hand on her desk, like she's expecting me to tell her everything like an obedient son. "You can't show me this 'injury' because you trusted me with something? Is that right?"
"You got to read the document I've been working on. You're allowed to read it, but Chica isn't. I'm not treating you unfairly to her."
"Wh- Is this some kind of game to you?! You let me know something, then you let Chica know something? Like we're taking turns? How the hell does that mean you're being extra honest with me if all you do is-" Roxanne continues to argue, but her voice fades from my mind as I realize what just happened.
...
I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said that.
Roxanne's too upset to think through what I just said, but that might only last as long as she remains angry.
I just fricken'.. I just told her plain as day that the document and my injury have something in common. More than that; I just proved that by knowing both of these things exist and are related, there's a bigger secret that I'm trying to hide. I've shown each half to two different people.. But now Roxanne practically has this other half as well.
The only piece of information Roxy doesn't have is the physical appearance of the scar.. But if she were to sit and think about it for a second, she'd absolutely be able to piece together what I'm trying to hide without it.
Roxanne now knows that 1: I've suffered an injury so severe that Chica found the mark it left worthy of being called 'gigantic'. 2: I'm hiding the scar from her because of the document. Therefor, there 'must' be something in that document that mentions this injury. And 3:...
3: There's only one instance in the entire document where a character suffers a catastrophic injury and survives, without being turned into an animatronic.
There were technically two that occured.. But to be honest, I never completely figured out what happened with the bite of '87. Not sure who got bit, if they're still alive, or who was even responsible.. I've heard rumors that it was a toy animatronic, like toy bonnie, or something called the 'mangle'. I never got to interact with those things directly, though. And all the rumors I hear about the place only serves to confuse me further.. What the hell even IS 'Popgoes'?
For that reason, I don't think I ever mentioned it in the document.
...
..ike. Mike!
Roxanne's voice pierces my eardrums as I fade back into reality.
"Mike! What the hell's gotten into you!?"
"..Huh?"
"What the fuck do you mean 'huh'? Are you still alive over there?!"
..Even through her anger, Rox still managed to be worried about me fading out for a moment.
...
I can't let her do that. If she gets too worried, she might calm down. If she calms down, she might start thinking rationally again.
...
Until I think of a way to remedy this problem I've created.. I 'cannot' let her calm down. She has to remain heated until I think of something.
Kind of hard considering I've been zoned out for the last minute or two, and have no idea what she's yelling at me about anymore.
"..Yeah, I'm fine.. Listen I don't know how to prove this to you, but I do trust you."
I figure that's a safe bet.
"Fucking- Mike..!" Roxanne grits her teeth, then suddenly grabs her head. "Dammit..!"
"..?"
Roxy eventually shakes it off and continues to glare at me. What was that?
"Dammit, Michael.. Making my head hurt even worse than it did this morning.. You were bad enough as a figurative pain."
What..?
...
Oh.
"Because of the drink?"
Roxy doesn't respond right away, so I continue.. This is something I'd never do if I had any other choice, but I have to incite a little more annoyance from her until I can think of something.
"I told you not to drink what's in the bottle."
"Oh, Mike- Just shut the fuck up already.."
"Why did you? Because I told you not to?"
"Because you're not the fricken' boss of me, dipshit!"
"But why would you drink anyway? You knew that it would get you drunk if you tried it."
"I didn't get drunk, moron!"
..What do she mean 'I didn't get drunk'? I was there, listening to her drink.
"..You did. You were drunk by the time you fell asleep, at least."
"I wasn't drunk."
"Rox, you-"
"I wasn't!"
...
I feel another nerve get ticked..
That's.. That's fine if Rox doesn't want to admit something like this, it's just part of her personality, but.. She's actively lecturing me about being dishonest. Like, right now. Why would she think 'now' is an appropriate time to lie about something? It's not even one she can defend, she knows this..!
"Rox.. Yes you were. A third of the bottle was gone when I woke up, and you were passed out."
"That doesn't mean I was drunk, dumbass."
"Yes it does.. You even had a hangover when you woke up..!" I raise my voice a little, frustrated that a topic as small as this has taken up so much time.
"No! I didn't! I just had a headache!"
"You had a headache from 'waking up'..."
"Yes..!"
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I let my annoyance with someone physically apparent, via cocking a brow like I'm saying 'are you serious?'.. It's hardly noticeable, but I think the both of us understand that it's a new thing for me not to just stand here and look stoically at the person I'm debating with.
"That was rhetorical, Rox.. 'Waking up' did not give you a headache."
"Mike, who the hell do you think you are?!"
"You got drunk. I was there."
"Why do you even care?!"
"Because-!" I pause to take a breath and calm myself down.. But failed to recognize how frustrated I was, resulting in only stuttering and getting more annoyed. "Because you're angry at me for lying, and now you're lying right in front of me..!"
Roxanne tightens her fists at my accusation and gently hits the top of the desk she's standing by.
"No fuckin' way are 'you' calling me a liar right now!"
"You're not a 'liar'! But you're lying right now, yes..!"
"I wasn't drunk!"
I don't want to let her know she was wrapped around me when I woke up, but I'll tell her if I absolutely have too. She'll either have to admit she was lying, or try claiming that she did that without being drunk. Neither option would turn out in her favor, and I don't wanna have to go so far as to entrap her in an unwinnable situation like that.
"Rox- Yes you were! Think about what you're saying right now!"
"All 'I'm' saying is that I want you to be honest with me for once!"
"That's fine! But you can't say that and then lie to me about-!"
- Pshh -
The sound pierces our brains like bullets, and we both snap to look at the door.
Monty pokes his head in and spots us.
...
This isn't the first time someone's walked in on the two of us looking like we're about to tackle each other.. Thankfully, Monty is oblivious enough that he likely won't even question it.
...Like we're about to tackle each-.?
...
I.. Must've gotten a little more frustrated than I thought.. I only remember taking maybe a step or two in Rox's direction, but the two of us are now positioned face-to-face smack in the middle of her room. Neither of us were 'yelling' at each other yet, but both our voiced were raised quite a bit from our regular conversation volume. I don't think it was quite enough to be heard from outside the room, but if that's the case, what the hell is Monty doing here?
...
"..Sorry, uh.. Did I walk in on somethin'..?"
"No, you're alright." The frustration almost instantly saps from my body, and I do my best to casually take a few steps back and fix my stance. "Did you need somet-?"
"We're 'fine'. What?" Despite saying the exact same thing I was trying to say, Roxanne still decides to forcefully interrupt. She fixes her posture too, but crosses her arms to make it clear that she's still incredibly annoyed at/by something.
"..Okay, coolio.." Monty's expression slowly morphs back into his usual grin, walks from around the corner and into the room. "Hey Mike. Good thing 'yer here, actually."
"Good thing..?"
" 's gonna talk to Roxy, probably shoulda went and looked for ya' anyway." The Gator makes it a good step or two away from me and leans down a bit as if to whisper. "Had ta go 'pologize to Fred for losin' his little gun thing and it got me thinkin'.. Now that I'm in the apologizin' mood, why don't I come down and say sorry 'bout that thing we talked about earler?"
"..What?"
" 'Bout the arm thing, y'know? When I got mad?"
My heart sinks through the floor.
I'd forgotten about that. He wanted to come in and apologize for talking about Roxy behind her back. This is the worst possible time he could have decided to do this.
"No, no wait.. Don't tell her right n-.." I shut myself up as soon as I can. Those words came out a bit more forcefully than intended.. I take as inconspicuous of a glance as I can back in Roxy's direction, then return to Monty. "Listen, sorry, but do it later. I'm not sure now is the best-"
"No- Mike!" Roxanne barks from behind me, comprehending what I blurted a moment ago. She uncrosses her arms and starts walking closer to ensure that Monty and I can't talk in secret anymore. "This is what we were just talking about! You're doing it again!"
"What? What did Mike do?!" Monty stands back upright, alerted by Roxanne's increase in volume.
"He's lying! Or- he's hiding shit from me again!"
"Nononono- he wasn't, I promise! We were 'boutta tell you here anyway! Mike 'n I were just wantin' to say something!"
This is the worst.
Roxy stops short of us with a stomp.
"Then say it, before Mike can shut you up again."
O-ow..
"Arright, arright! Just calm down before y'hurt somebody..!"
Monty expects a response, but doesn't get one. He takes it as a sign to keep talking.
"..Few days ago Mike showed me somethin', and I didn' have the best behavior 'bout it.." Monty lifts his arm to scratch the back of his head. "I thought somethin' I shouldn'ta thought 'bout you, and Mike had to be the one to change my mind."
Roxy quietly scoffs and narrows her eyes.
"I'll bet you a thousand fuckin' dollars whatever he told you a lie."
"No! Mike didn' lie to anybody-, you can believe that!" Monty desperately tries to explain.
It 'was' a lie..
"M..Monty, listen; I really don't think it's a good idea to tell her about this right now.." I meekly whisper up to him.
"It'll be arright, Mike. I promise. Listen- I get it. Roxy's in a bad mood, and she oughta take it poorly. But c'mon..!" Monty gently punches my shoulder and grins, convinced that he's reassuring me. "You've dealt with an angry wolf before, right? If you could handle it, how bad could it be?"
"Mike." As expected, my sneaky communication to Monty didn't go unnoticed by the fae. "Stop. Stop doing that. It's bad enough that you won't tell me anything, so don't start trying to stop my friends from talking to me too."
"It really ain't all that bad, Rox. I just-" Monty tries coming to my rescue.
" 'Don't' call me Rox!"
"Arright, just listen!"
I desperately want to prevent Monty from continuing again.. But how could I? The next time I open my mouth, Roxy might actually kill me.
"Mike didn't lie, alright? All that happened was, ah.." Monty can't help but avert his gaze, still feeling a little ashamed of himself. "Mike came into my room to show me that new arm-a'-his. We did a little talkin', and I started to think that 'you' had been the one who'd activated that chompy-thingy, so I started to get mad atcha'.. Mike took the time to prove me wrong, and I gave him a lotta trouble for it.. I dunno', I guess I just didn' like talkin' about you like that behind yer back, so I thought to come 'ere and say somethin'."
Monty lifts his head.
"So 'ere I am. I know you weren't there when I got mad, but I apologize anyway. Gator's honor." He flashes a toothy gator-grin following the little joke he used to lighten the mood.
Regret to inform you that no one laughed. I was too busy awaiting Roxanne's reaction, and Roxanne was busy.. reacting..
..It did about what I expected it too.. Took the fight out of her pretty quick..
Roxy's still standing like she was when she was arguing with me, with a an arm and finger outstretched in my direction, but I think that's just because she froze.. To be blunt, Rox looks like she's seen a ghost. She's gone pale, her narrow and vicious eyes have widened to almost full capacity. Instead of the rage and hurt that littered her eyes prior, there's just nothing. Like her brain froze when her body did.
It seems like an exaggeration, but think of the situation Rox and I were in not even two minutes ago, and the brutal choice she has to make right now.
Roxanne hates it when people lie to her. She hates lies in general. The entire time I've been in here Roxanne has been angrily, but meaningfully, trying to tell me to stop being 'dishonest' with her. She hasn't been yelling at me for fun, it just truly means that much to her that she's seen as someone not to lie too. I've been fighting back with some of my own points, but there hasn't been a moment where our conversation didn't have 'lying is bad' as it's bottom line. Even if she did try to tell me one herself..
Then, at the most heated point of the argument, Monty walked in, and immediately challenged her entire 'ideology' in the most extreme way possible.
Roxy probably didn't expect anyone to figure out that she was responsible for what happened to my arm. So when 'Monty' of all people walked in and revealed that I had lied about something so important, it tore her immediately.
It's like that 'admit she was drunk or that she was holding me' thing I was talking about earlier, multiplied by a factor of 100. Roxy has two choices, and they both have the potential to be catastrophic.
Roxanne can recede, and agree that she wasn't responsible for what happened. She knows that I would understand, and that everything would turn out dandy.. But she'd have to forfeit everything she spent the last ten minutes yelling at me about. Rox would be proving that her 'ideology' is worth it's weight in dirt, since she'd be giving up on it the instant she was put in a difficult position. It would solve her immediate 'Monty' problem, but then what? We'd be alone in the room again, both fully aware that she lied to save her skin despite just getting furious with me about doing the same. I don't know how she'd react from there.. But Roxy knows that choosing this path would mean severe humiliation and solidifying 'insincererity' as one of her character traits, all right in front of the person who she considers her best friend.
Of course, that's just what Roxanne's thinking.. I seriously wouldn't blame her for playing along with my lie, even after everything. I wouldn't think any less of her. However.. I'm not confident I'd be able to convince her of that with words alone, nor am I sure that would do much to solve the problem.. Immediately going back on her word would be more a lot more painful to her than it would be to me.
The other option.. Could result in anything between a mild inconvenience for Rox and I, or being the worst thing that could ever happen to 'anyone'. Without exaggeration.
If Roxanne corrects Monty and tells the truth.. Well, to start small, Roxanne might think she 'betrayed' me. Of course, I have no way of communicating that I'm perfectly fine with her calling me out, so I guess the smallest of the problems would be that she thinks she'd hurt my feelings.. But of course, the most obvious problem is Monty himself.
It's no secret that he gets threatening when someone he cares about gets hurt, even if the one who hurt this person is another friend. Roxanne has seen it firsthand as of last night, and I've encountered it a couple of times. As for "would Monty really go as far to hurt another one of his friends?".. I don't know. Neither of us do.. No one's had the opportunity to watch his wrath play out yet. A large part of me wants to say that Monty might get angry at his friends, but would never go as far as hurting them, but I really don't have any evidence to back that up.. But even if Monty doesn't hurt anybody, it could still mean disaster; maybe even especially so. Monty has to do something with that anger, and if confronting the attacker isn't it, then there's still a world of things he could do.. The most problematic scenario unfortunately being the most likely one: He tells somebody.
If Monty were to just tell another one of the animatronics, then that wouldn't be so bad, best case scenario even. I could explain things pretty easily, but anyone else..? I believe I'd be able to reassure Cooper and Arin that there's no hard feelings anywhere, and everything is already sorted; but what if Monty tells any random day-crew? If I had to guess, it would be pretty difficult to stop them from telling a 'different' day crew, that day crew would tell someone else, so on and so forth.. That's bad enough, but all it would take for it to get apocalyptic would be if a random visitor overhears this information in one of the day-crews gossip circles. Then it would spread like a wild-fire, and I mean EVERYWHERE. I can't tell you how many people are out there, desperately waiting for something to happen at the Pizzaplex that either resembles or in any way aligns with the already existing rumors surrounding every single place that's ever had anything to do with Freddy.
I know this is redundant, and maybe a little unimportant compared to the bigger issues, but Roxanne does take her image more seriously than the others. Even if the knowledge stopped spreading before it could escape the Pizzaplex walls by some absolute miracle, Roxanne would be hit hard. She might seem difficult to approach, but all she wants is to be liked by others.. Unfortunately, this outcome is considerably less likely than the previous one.. If news got out, Roxanne's life would end in front of her eyes. Maybe gradually by less and less visitors coming to the raceway or Pizzaplex altogether, maybe all at once via immediate termination.. Not termination as in actual death, obviously, but she wouldn't be able to show her face just about anywhere.. There's a lingering thought in the back of my head that, since Cooper might have been willing to reprogram Roxy (which I heavily, heavily doubt in-and-of-itself), that he might not immediately be opposed to having her scrapped. Of course, I would never let that happen, but if Cooper were to even 'tell' Roxanne that she'd be scrapped, the damage done to Roxanne's emotional state would be irreversible.. Imagine caring about what others think of you to the same degree that Roxanne does, then being told that you're literally going to die because people hate you so much.
...The thought scares me worse than the thought of my father still being alive, but if that were to really happen, Roxanne might be so incomparably devastated that she might just take her own life before I even get the chance to get her outta here.. People have done it for much less than 'the entire world hates you' before.
I'm not an expert in things like that, but from what I can think of at the moment, being willing to take your own life simply because you're THAT utterly miserable is the worst state anyone could ever be in.. Even if the chance of this happening is so low that 0% would be an overstatement, the fact that the chance exists at all is bone chilling.
...
...
...
Ha.. I think Roxanne's finally finishing up the thought process I just went through, 'cause she's getting even paler than before..
Everything is completely still, Monty's slow and steady breathing making up almost all of the movement happening in this room. The gator himself continues to stare forward with a big dumb grin on his face. It's somewhat funny how oblivious he is to the earthshaking bombshell he just dropped on us.
...
"Ah ha.. You, uh.. You doin' alright over there?" Monty asks with innocent uncertainty.
...
...
Monty subtly leans down closer to my ear and whispers.
"Is, uh.. Is she mad? Is this what she does when she gets mad?"
I can't bring myself to respond, or even look up to him. My eyes are hyper-fixated on Roxanne's, waiting to see what decision she makes.
...
...
Monty silently stands back upright, eyes a little widened from the sheer amount of "no fricken' idea what's happening right now".
...
...
"I-I.. Y-yeah, I wasn't.. I mean, I d-didn't-.." Roxanne's expression meekly bends into a terrified and artificial smile, and her weak stuttering tears through my mind. My brain immediately runs her voice through a million calculations; I need to know what to prepare for.
...It seems like the former option, Roxy's begun play along with my lie.. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it. This option's not a good one, but the other has the power to be so impossibly catastrophic that it's not even worth comparing them.
I agree with her decision, but I still wish things were different.. It's so, so, so unlucky that Monty decided 'now' to come do this, it even makes me a little frustrated with him.. Of course, he has no reason to believe he's doing anything wrong. Hell, from his perspective, he's objectively doing a good thing.
It kills me that I forced her to make a decision like this.. If only Monty had come at a different time, or if I took a little longer to get to Roxanne's room, or I-..
...
It kills me that ''I'' forced her to make this decision..? Why did I automatically assume that? Because I arrived before Monty did?
...
A small thought occurs in the very corner of my mind.. Which grows into a little sub-process, which grows into an active series of conclusions.. Which grows into a raging, horrifying thought process that's tearing through my mind like a hurricane.
...
I think I just realized what, um... What I've been...
I.. I get what Roxanne means now, why she gets so angry at me when I..
...
...
...
I.. I'm such a scumbag, h-holy shit..
I don't even know where to start.. U-Uhm..
...
Maybe I'll start with this..
Was Roxanne wrong?
When.. When I came into Roxy's room, I had this preconception that I'd be 'right' without a shadow of a doubt. It's a little difficult to explain, but I thought that because Roxanne 'doesn't' know about my past, I have more information to work with than her, so I should always have turned out in the 'right'.
Man, that doesn't make as much sense as it did in my head.. Maybe I'll explain this way..?
She was angry because I thought I was right, but refused to explain to her 'why' I was right because I thought the all the information covering why I was right was information I needed to keep a secret. Thought that because I absolutely needed to keep the information a secret, I always knew more than her, therefor I should always have been right.
Mm.. That made even less sense..
Look, I know this doesn't seem relevant, but.. I'll try to explain.. Just stick with me.
Roxy was upset because I lied sometimes, but I couldn't explain to her that I was right. Roxy was upset because she thought I didn't trust her, but I couldn't explain to her that I was right. Roxy was upset that I keep a lot of secrets from her, but I couldn't explain to her that I was right...
Roxy was upset that I "X", but I couldn't explain to her that I was right.. So for some reason, I just.. Assumed that because I couldn't talk to her about why I was right, I was always right..?
It seriously took me all this time to consider even once:
Why? Like, seriously. Why am I right?
It sounds so self-explanatory in my head, like I've explained this to myself a million times already, and that I just couldn't explain it to Rox. But if I really sit here and try to explain it to myself just one more time.. I run into blockades.
I 'understood' why Roxy was upset, but was she ever wrong at any point? Like, completely in the wrong simply because she lacked the information I had?.. I believed the information I had, but couldn't tell her, made up for the inconveniences I cause her by lying. But.. Do they?
...Fuck, why the hell 'would' they?
...
Argh..! None of that makes sense, I know! But it's so hard to explain!
Screw it, we're doing a whole different approach, starting from somewhere else.. This is the specific example that lead me to this thought process:
Roxanne was upset that I had a tendency to avoid telling the truth, sometimes straight up become deceptive.. I always thought she was just riled about it because it was an annoying behavior for someone to have when talking with them.. So by extension, I thought the lying was only a problem for as long as they interacted with the liar. To align this concept with what was actually happening a moment ago: I lie about things sometimes, and Roxanne gets upset about it simply because she dislikes lies. So when I'm removed from that equation, her problems with my lies end.. It's that subconscious thought that I've been using to excuse myself from just about every time she got upset with my lies. I thought that, since 'being annoying to be around' was the only 'problem' caused by my lies, the things that I'm lying about were still important enough to keep lying about them. It's worth continuing to lie because the consequences of these lies are so miniscule since they ONLY have to do with me, and that NOT lying would inconvenience me by such a larger margin that it's well worth it just to keep lying.
...Thinking it through so slowly and clearly makes me want to kick myself.. It really seems like the problems with this logic are so blatantly obvious, but this 'logic' had only ever existed in my subconscious up until now.. It's like looking at a painting from a distance and thinking it looks perfect, until you get closer and notice how many mistakes there are in the fine details..
Why the hell did I ever think the inconveniences my lies cause would end when I walk away?
Maybe I thought that, since I was the only one who lied about something, I would also be the only one who ever had to deal with the consequences of that lie. I mean, no one else lied, so why would anyone else get in any trouble?
Of course, that's entirely, objectively, and OBVIOUSLY wrong!
Roxanne didn't get angry at my for lying just because it made me annoying, she wanted to know because it was causing her real, genuine problems in some way.
For example.. I was given a very difficult task: Monty is going to be angry at Roxy once he knows that she caused this accident with my arm. I need to deal with that anger and get through to him.. But I didn't want to handle that task at the time, so I chose to lie about it, which resulted into what's happening now.. The same task, only a million times worse, and now someone I care about is the one who has to deal with it.
Roxanne's currently being forced to make a truly agonizing choice, because I decided I didn't want go through an inconvenient experience.
tl;dr: It sounds so dumb out of context like this.. But I thought that because I'm the only person who told my lies, the only person who'd ever have to remember that lie and deal with the consequences was myself. It never even occurred to me that my lies have literally any effect on anything if I'm not actively there to experience the consequence myself. Somehow I had convinced myself that the only reason Roxy gets upset that I lie sometimes is because she dislikes lies, not that I'd truly be making an impact on her life.
That's the realization that just killed me.
This is one of the more extreme cases, but this isn't the only time I've done this..! 'Lying' was just an example too, I've done this sort of thing with all of the habits Rox's gotten upset at me about. Like.. Like Chica.
Roxy wasn't just upset that I told Chica something because 'I'm' being annoying by not telling her as well, it seriously made 'her' feel like she was.. Like she was 'less' than Chica. Being closer friends with Roxy didn't make things better either, it did the opposite. Roxy knows I like being around her more than I like being around Chica, so when I do something that directly suggests I find Chica more mature and trustworthy than the person I care more about, it doesn't just make her annoyed with 'me' and that's the end of it, it hurts 'her'. Roxy felt like I compared her with Chica, and I told her right to her face that I found Chica more important. When Roxanne finally talks to me about it in hopes to confirm that I did otherwise, I either sidestepped her questions or flat-out refused explaining to her that I wasn't doing those things. If I wouldn't tell her that, what reason does she have to believe that I didn't 'choose' Chica over her?
..Roxanne felt that, even though I liked her more, I saw her as 'less' than Chica.. And that feeling lingered after I walked away, which is another part that I just didn't fricken' get!
It's not even like I 'needed' to piece this together like I'm doing right now.. Roxanne actively tells me she feels this way..! Over and over again!
This is what lead me to that thought I was trying to explain earlier, about being 'wrong' or 'right'. Roxanne was never 'wrong' for being angry at me a minute ago, and I wasn't 'right' just because I had important information to keep. She's just tired of dealing with the consequences of MY actions.
Like she's doing right now.
...
That thought is finally enough to snap me back into reality.. Not much time has passed, Roxanne hasn't even been able to stutter anything else out yet.. Now that I understand that the entire reason she's having a meltdown is because I pawned this interaction with Monty off on her, I'm..
...
I'm not letting her make this unwinnable decision. It shouldn't have been hers to begin with.
So, I take a second to think about the decision at hand, make a choice for myself, and figure out how I'm going to deal with the result of the choice I'm making.
I blink a couple times to readjust to reality, glance over my shoulder at the clueless Monty towering over my shoulder, and grimace..
Deciding that every second I waste is another second that Roxy might make this choice for herself, I turn around to face him, and take a couple steps backward to strategically position myself between him and Roxy.
...To be honest, I meant to tell him my choice while I was moving. I even opened my mouth partway through, but I hesitated..
...
Can't believe I was so hopeful today would turn out normal..
So much for that, I suppose.
...
...
Alright big guy, me and you..
"Roxanne turned on the chomper and severed my arm."
...
...
Not trying to be mean, but the only way I could describe Monty at the moment is 'staring at me like an idiot'.
Eventually, he cocks an eyebrow and flashes an uncertain grin.
"Nah, she couldn't have. She wouldn'ta known what happened if she did that, 'member?"
I hesitate on explaining the reason, since I know the mental image it'll draw won't sit well with him.. Before I can build the courage back up, Monty speaks again, apparently recalling more of the talk I had with him.
"..Yea-, she told me! Roxy saw the whole thing, 'member? Couldn'ta known what happened if she were the one that made the machine turn on, 'cause she never woulda saw ya in time!" Monty confidently repeats my explanation from that night.
"The watch on my arm went off after I left. Roxanne heard the noise and found my arm in the chomper." I spout quickly, before I have the chance to hesitate again.
"Wow..! Yer' arm was still in there? Didn' it get mulched then?"
"I disassembled the mulching part after you left, Cooper's asked me to."
"Oh.. So yer' whole arm was-?"
"My entire arm was in one piece, sitting at the bottom of the chomper. Roxanne found it."
...
"But you said-?"
"I lied, I'm sorry."
...
That appears to have done it. Monty looks at me like he expects me to say I'm joking for a fraction of a second, but understands soon after that this isn't something I'd joke about.
..It's something I'd 'lie' about, though. Monty's starting to understand that, too.
It's even showing in his expression.
"Mikey, she-.. Why would Roxy ever..?"
"You had it right. It was an accident. Roxanne didn't mean to hurt anyone, just startle me." I couldn't help but throw that last part in there, despite knowing it wouldn't calm Monty down any.
...
Part of me wants to turn around just to see what Roxy's doing, and how she's reacting to what's happening, but it'd be better if I didn't. I want this to stay strictly between me and Monty, so much so that I'd even go as far as to prevent myself from acknowledging Roxanne's existence.
It might seem counterproductive that I'm trying to keep Roxy irrelevant while also intentionally summoning Monty's anger towards her while she's literally in his line of sight, but I promise I've thought this through.
I've noticed a couple quirks about what Monty does when he gets angry like this. The quirk I'm relying on is the one I discovered from Monty's episode last night, right after we finished the movie.
Roxanne was the one who screamed when I jabbed her, and I was the only other person even remotely close to her at the time. So of course Monty immediately assumed I was the 'assailant'. I didn't even really think about it until earlier today, but even though Monty knew I was the one who 'hurt' her, Monty's anger still seemed to be directed towards Roxanne. It didn't really make much sense until I thought about how Monty also directed his anger at me that time he was suspicious of Roxanne.
Of course, Monty wasn't really angry at me when he thought Roxanne was the assailant, and he wasn't angry at Roxanne when he thought I was the assailant. Monty was angry at the people responsible.
But if Monty is prevented from reaching the assailant, he will instead turn his attention to whoever's in his way.
Even if he isn't angry at the person in his way, Monty's still 'angry' in general. So no matter what, that person is gonna be on the receiving end of that anger.
If all goes well, that means Monty will ignore Rox the same way I am.
..Another 'quirk' is that I don't think Monty would ever get physical with anyone but the person he's trying to reach, so I like to think I'm safe in that regard.. But I admit that I'm not 100% sure about that one.. I'm starting to think Monty's just calmed down before he had the chance to do anything in the past, but Monty isn't gonna calm down this time..
Monty isn't misunderstanding anything, he isn't about to be told he was misinformed.. He isn't gonna realize he's 'wrong' and just calm down this time. Monty knows exactly what happened, and he's not happy about it.
...
God, I never thought I'd have to 'think' so much in this short amount of time.. There have been so many realizations and thought-processes here that these last few moments have felt like an eternity.. Monty only arrived to this room two or three minutes ago, but it feels like we've been in here forever.
..I have a feeling things are about to speed up, though. Monty's not gonna give me the time to get lost in thought from here on out.
Mnn.. I've got a basic outline of a plan, and that's just gonna have to be enough.. Monty's loaded and ready to shoot, I can't keep sitting here debating what kind of bullets I want to use. I've gotta be ready, now.
So.. here we go.
...
"Roxanne hurt you?"
"Yeah."
"..'Roxanne' tore off your whole arm?"
"Yeah."
"Mike, she-!" For the smallest moment, I can see Monty's eyes flicker over in Roxy's direction, but they almost immediately snap back to me.. Hopefully that means I was right about that 'in his way' part. "Mike, your arm..?!"
"Monty, yes. Roxanne took off my arm."
"That's-.. That's not okay, Mike, I need to-!"
"You don't. Everything's taken care of."
"Taken care of?! Mike, you don't have yer' fricken arm anymore!"
"I have a new one. It's fine."
That was a totally underwhelming argument, but I didn't have the time to sit and think of a better one.
"Mike."
"..."
"Mike, move."
Here we go.. There's that cold, calm voice that strikes more fear into your heart than his yelling volume could ever dream of.. Something about a calm voice that has pure rage behind it is just objectively more frightening than-
"Mike. Move."
Shit, I can't spend time thinking like that. I'm lucky that train of thought was already kind of pointless..
"No."
...
"Listen', I know yer tryin' to be nice and all.. But this is not the time, arright..?"
"I'm doing this because it's important, not because it's nice."
"It is important, so move."
"No."
"Mike, please."
...
"You can't see Roxanne until I've calmed you down."
"I'm calm enough. Someone's gotta do this, you know that."
"No, they don't. 'You' don't."
"Mike..! You just said it out loud a 'lil bit ago, didn't you? You understand what she's done, dontcha?"
"Yes, the exact same thing 'you' did."
I really, really hate to be mean to someone as kind and lovable as Monty.. But I'm simply not going to get through to him by being nice. I've got to hit him with a couple hard truths if I want this to work.
..Monty, of course, doesn't seem to understand what I was just implying..
"..Mike, 'Roxanne' cut yer' arm off, not me.."
"No, all Roxanne did was activate the machine to scare me. Just like you did."
"The difference bein' I didn't rip off yer' limbs..!"
"So what?" I lean a little closer, feeling like I have good footing to attack him with. "Neither of you 'meant' to hurt me, but both of you could have."
"I knew I wouldn't cut off yer' limbs, Mike.. You had no reason to be stickin' your arm in the machine when I was-"
"You didn't know that. I didn't tell Roxy I was gonna clean out the chomper, but I didn't tell you either. You had no idea what I was doing down there when you used the machine. You guessed, the same way Roxy did."
"Nah, Mike. I knew you wouldn't have yer' arm in there. I wouldnt'a started it if I thought you might.."
That.. Worries me a little. He really does sound confident..
"Ya were busy movin' those rail-thingies off to the side of the room, 'member? I left you a couple extra when I went so I knew you'd be busy movin' em when I pressed the button.."
"..."
S..Shit..
"Roxy was in that room with ya too. She shoulda saw that you were either not doin' anything, or gettin' ready to clean the chomper. She had no reason to think ya weren't gonna stick yer' hand in there.."
...
No- actually! That's not true!
"That's not true either. She did the same thing you did. Again."
Monty hides a frustrated groan under his breath the best he can.
"C'mon.. Roxy wouldn'ta been thinking you were to busy, 'cause both the things you were doin' coulda included stickin' yer arm in the-"
"She did think I was busy, she saw me getting ready to clean the chomper."
"Mike, that includes sticking yer' arm in the damn machine!"
"It doesn't. None of the cleaning process had anything to do with sticking anything into the machine."
Monty didn't know that. I can't believe he gave me the time to think of this rebuttal.
I forgot Monty didn't have any idea what the cleaning process 'was'. All I remember telling him is that I had my arm inside the machine because I was cleaning it, so of course he would have assumed I needed to put my arm in there.
"..Wh-..? Mike, if you didn't need to do something that dangerous, then why did you..?"
"No one emptied the canister on the bottom of the machine of woodchips after every log. It clogged the parts that held the mulching parts together, so I couldn't remove them without getting in there and emptying the machine of the woodchips myself. Rox saw me start to take it apart, saw that cleaning it didn't require putting my hand in there, and safely assumed I had no reason to do so."
"...Wait, she-?"
I raise a finger up towards him, hoping to guilt trip as much as possible when the impact comes.. It feels pretty scummy to do, but I'll need to handle these problems one at a time.
"Roxanne has just as much reason to believe I was too busy doing something to stick my arm into the machine. You and her made the exact same mistake, only she got unlucky. Hell, the only reason Roxanne thought to activate the machine was because 'you' did it first, so she thought it was safe. You're no better than her."
...
Well, I was kind of hoping that would be enough to end it, but it doesn't quite look like the fight was taken out of him yet.. That did some real damage though. Stunned him, at least.
..I got really lucky there.. I'd forgotten that cleaning the machine didn't mean sticking my hand in there as well.. It's seriously only by the grace of god that Monty just 'happened' to give me enough time to think about a counter-argument. He doesn't have to do that again.
To be honest, I don't know what's going to happen from here. I've made a strong and difficult-to-refute point, but.. That was also the extent of my 'plan'. My goal was to prove that Monty was just as guilty as Roxanne, so that anything he can say about her, I can say about him.
It worked. Monty doesn't have much ground to stand on anymore, but I might also lack what it takes to finally push him off..
Whatever the case, I don't think this is gonna last much longer. I'm just gonna have to play reactive instead of proactive this time around.
...
"Mike, I didn'-.. I never hurt ya' though.."
Monty's voice takes me a little off guard.
He's still upset, but it sounds like his anger's starting to compete with a few other emotions.. He sounds hurt.
I understand Monty's sense of justice might be incredibly warped when it comes to things like this, but I know his intentions are pure. Monty knows his intentions are pure. He just needs to control himself sometimes..
But as of late, we might be forcing him question his own sense of morality pretty hard.. First, he thought he was right to be mad at Roxy, then I lied to him and he felt like he was wrong, then he found out the truth and thought he was right for real this time, then we had this talk and he feels like he's wrong again.. No matter which he changes his mind to, each side proved to be the 'wrong' one.
...
It's painful, but I need to keep pushing him.. Just until the anger fades away entirely.
"I know, but you did the same thing Roxy did. It was pure luck she hurt me instead of you."
"You..! You know I wouldn't hurt ya..! I wouldn't hurt anyone!"
"Roxy wouldn't either."
"But she-!"
"So did you."
...
"I don't hurt people, though.."
For the third time today..
That struck a nerve.
Roxanne doesn't hurt people either.. Don't try to imply that..
"You could. Anyone could hurt people."
"Not on purpose! I wouldn' hurt ya on purpose!"
"Neither would Roxanne."
"But she did hurt y-!"
Stop. Stop saying she hurts people. She doesn't.
"We're going in circles."
"No- Mike, I don't hurt people! You know I wouldn' hurt nobody! Roxanne-!"
Monty, fricken-!
"I knew that? Then why do I have to protect her from you like this?"
...
...
...
"I-I.. I wasn' gonna h-hurt.."
...
...
Monty takes a couple steps back, then akwardly stumbles out of the room.
...
I.. Don't think I needed to say that.. I want to say I didn't mean it, but the whole reason I has having that conversation was to prevent him from doing anything to Roxy, even if it was 'just in case'.
Still, maybe I could have said something else.. Monty probably didn't mean to talk bad about his friend like that, he was just upset.. And that argument was about to end no matter what I said, so I really didn't need to end it with a bang like that.
...
Well, it's over now anyway, and I can't hesitate to go finish what needs to be done.
I have no idea what Roxy's doing back there.. But I think it's better I don't turn around and check until after I go get Monty's situation sorted out, otherwise I might not be able to stop myself from thinking about her when I need to be thinking about Monty.
"Stay here Rox, I wanna tal-" I stop myself.
Maybe I shouldn't say 'I wanna talk'.. That'll make it sound like I'm still upset at her from our argument, when really what I want to talk about is the opposite.
"..Stay here, I'll be right back."
That's a whole zero percent better, but I'm gonna have to live with it.
I don't wait for a response.
- Shh -
Forgot how loud that door was.. Maybe I should get that fixed.
...
"Monty."
"I know, I know.." The gator slides his hands off of his face and lets them fall onto the bed he's laying on. "Y'don't gotta tell me, I know.."
...
"Nah, no I don't.. I don' know.." They continue while I conjure up something to say.
Not sure I know either.. It's like I know everything that needs to be said, but.. I also don't.
Let's start with this..
"..Listen, I didn't really think you were gonna go as far as to hurt Roxy, so.. Don't think about it too much.." My feet carry me further into his room, but without a specific destination in mind.
"..I might've, Mike. No idea.. Pretty sure I wouldn' go that far either, but I just.. Can't say fer' sure.."
...
"You alright?"
"Nah, probly' not."
"Cool. Me either."
Despite the somber atmosphere, Monty still manages to huff in amusement.
...
"So what brought ya to this pitiful gator's abode tonight?"
"Wanted to say a few things."
Monty rubs his face.
"Good. That'll give me a good couple sec's to figure out what the heck 'I' wanna say.."
"Sorry for that whole ordeal.. Really didn't think I could get through to you normally, so.. I was an asshole on purpose.. I'm not really mad at you, you know?"
Monty huffs again.
"Don' let Fred hear you sayin' that word."
"I get a freebie, you said 'damn'."
"Arright, fine.. I won't tell him if you don't."
"Deal."
"For real though, I don't blame ya'.. Probably wouldn'ta letcha go if you didn't knock me back to my senses."
"Maybe, but that whole scenario wouldn't have happened at all if I didn't lie about it." I finally decide to lean on the side of Monty's couch.. Not as comfortable as sitting on it, but this isn't the kind of conversation I want to have while facing the complete opposite direction of him.. Not moving the couch either.
"Bah, don' even start with that." Monty waves his hand like he's batting the subject away. "Of course ya lied, anyone would have. You shoulda lied the second time, if I'm bein honest. Probably woulda just forgotten about the whole thing after that.."
"Yeah, well.. I was hoping you'd forget about it the first time I lied, but you didn't, and I got myself in a lot more trouble. I got Rox in even more trouble than me. Figured lying would've just made things worse again."
...
"I'm sorry, Mike.. Couldn't control myself the first, second, or third time.. Ya can't even make excuses at that point.."
"It's alright, but.." I hesitate and try to find better words for my question, but decide I really can't make it any better. "But why does that happen..?"
"It's pathetic, isn't it?"
"No, I don't think so.. Think the problem is on the opposite end of the spectrum actually. It's admirable that you care about your friends the way you do, maybe I could even learn a lesson or two from you.. But y'know.. I don't want to say there's such a thing as caring about your friends to much, but I guess I don't really know how else to put it."
"..Kinda like thinkin' about it that way.."
"Yeah, well, let's get you to stop scaring the hell out of your friends before you take any more pride in it."
Monty chuckles lightly, but doesn't respond for a while.
...
"You soun' like Roxy.."
"..I do?"
"Well, you did just then. The old Mikey wouldn't crack a joke to save his life."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Crackin' jokes is. Dunno whacha think about how Roxy talks though."
"Not sure how many day-crew would be able to handle two people talking like she does.."
"Most wouldn't be able to handle one of 'em."
"Well.. There 'is' one of them, and I think the day crew have managed so far."
"Nahh, you're thinkin' of Day-Roxy. Anyone can handle Day-Roxy. I'm talkin' about Real-Roxy, how she acts here at night."
" 'Real-Roxy', huh?"
"It's gotta nice ring to it."
"Fair enough."
...
"Sorry, I keep takin' us off track.. What were ya' sayin'?"
"That's alright. I'm not opposed to talking; We've got all night... I was wondering what goes through your head when you get riled up about someone's injury."
"Ahhh right.. Dunno how satisfyin' my answers 're gonna be, letin' ya know now.."
"That's okay."
"Mkay, let's see.." Monty brings his hands behind his head.
...
"It's been an issue 'a mine for as long as I've been alive, or at least I think it has.. Yer' not the first I've yapped about it too, actually."
"Freddy said you've always reacted poorly to injuries."
"Uh-huh. Told Arin 'bout it once, and he tried to figure out what the problem was himself, but he didn' find nothin'.. He said it might just be a 'glitch' somewhere in my noggin, but he also said no one they've ever hired has been able to make heads 'r tails of my programmin', so they just didn't know what to do about it.."
"Mm.. Well, what's it like when it happens?"
To be honest, I just asked to be polite while I thought about what he said.
That's interesting.. The way he explained it to me, it seems like Arin tried his best to figure out what was wrong with him from a 'human' perspective, and only after being unable to figure anything out that way did he even mention anything about his programming.
...I kind of want to see this 'programming' for myself.. I'd never be able to understand it, but if nothing else, it sounds interesting to look at..
"Y'know, it's kinda like.. It's kinda like there's two of me.."
That recaptures my attention.
"What do you mean?"
"Like when I see someone hurt like you were, an angry Monty takes the reigns.. Not literally, of course, but it kinda feels that way. I'm still there in my mind, no one else is thinkin' those thoughts for me."
"Huh.. Alright."
That sounds.. Suspiciously familiar to when, um..
"Think' Arin's right though, makes sense for it to be one of those bug things. 'Optics' get all messy when it happens too, and Arin thinks that means there's just a hardware error."
"Optics?"
"Eyes. Dunno what 'optics' means either, I was just repeatin' what Arin said."
I did know what optics meant, I just didn't expect Monty of all people to use that word. Guess it makes sense he was just repeating what he heard.
"If your vision gets weird, then it probably is an error somewhere.."
"Well-, nah, I guess my vision doesn' really get 'weird', I can still see just fine, it just does a couple weird things.. Like, fer example, uhh.."
It would kind of suck if it was an issue with the hardware. If that's the case, then there's not really anything anyone can do about it.. No amount of self-care is gonna change that programming to what it should be.
...
"Gets a little fuzzy, like it blends, which ain't so bad.. Changes colors sometimes, which is what makes Arin think it's a bug."
"Like, your 'vision' changes colors?"
"Yeah-huh. Get's purple 'round the corners of my eyes and creeps in till' I lose control. Purple's kind of a girly color though. Wish I cou-"
What?
"-ld make it green or somethin'. Arin says I'm plenty green already, but that's just cause' he doesn't know it's the best color." Monty glances up at me. "No offense toward purple though. I know 'yer fond of it.. Or 'are' it.."
...
"Mike? Y'alright?"
...
"You see purple."
"Ye-"
"And it feels like the negative emotions that come with it spike out of nowhere. Like you know it's coming, but it's taken over before you can react."
"..Yeah? Arin tell you 'bout this alrea-?"
"Like all the unpleasant memories about something hit you at the very same time, suffocating you."
"Mike?"
"And every cell of your body is telling you that the only way to make it stop is to deal with whatever the source of what made you feel that way."
...
"I, uh.. Never thought 'bout it like that before, but.. I guess that's about right.. Do you know what I'm talkin' about?"
Fucking what?!
That's what happens to me..! Like what happened when I found remnant in that vial down in my cellar, or when that small machine I took started secreting it..!
What does that even mean?! I always dismissed it as like.. 'old Mike taking over', you know? Like the younger me that was still obsessed with killing my father resurfaces for a moment.
But-.. But there's no 'old' version of Monty, right? 'Monty' has only really existed for a bit less than a year now. He doesn't have any traumatic past-selves to relapse to when he 'loses it'..!
..Right!?
"M.. Monty, did, um.. Did something happen to you a long time ago?"
"Whatcha mean..?"
"Like.. Something horrible? I know this isn't the most elegant way of asking, but.. Seriously, did something happen to you?"
"I don' think so..? What do you mean horrible?"
"I.. Don't know, It's hard to explain.. Did you see something, like, 'bad' that happened to someone? That ended up 'Gross'?"
"Uhhm.. there was a kid that got a bloody nose and.. Sneezed on me once? Happened on our third week a' openin', I think, so I'd never seen blood before. I thought that was pretty gross."
"No, like-! Watched a mortal injury?! Saw a kid die, maybe!?"
"Oh- Jesus Mike! No! 'Course not! What on earth are you talkin' about?!"
...
H-He's right, I need to calm down.. There's a chance he's not telling me something, but.. I don't know.. If he is, he suddenly got very good at faking reactions.. Monty seems confident that he's never seen anything like that before..
But if he hasn't, then what the hell is happening? I always thought I had that problem because I'm not quite over my past yet, but Monty has no 'past' to get over.
..So either Monty just has a problem that's extremely similar to mine, but isn't actually the same thing.. Or Monty and I have something in common that I'm completely unaware of.
...
"Sorry, I'm.. The way you described it reminded me of something.."
"What on earth..?"
"It's nothing, I just overreacted."
"It ain't 'nothing' at all! Mike, do you know what I'm talkin' about? You've had it happen too?"
...
You're lucky I had a change of heart with my whole 'lying' thing twenty minutes ago..
"Yeah."
"Woah..!" Monty sits up from his bed. "Mike, that means it ain't a bug then, right?"
"I.. Guess not?"
"That's great..! Ha-! Maybe that means I can get over myself after all!"
I'm not sure.. I haven't made much progress 'getting over myself' either..
"Maybe. At least it's not hardwired into you."
"Yeah! What's yours like? Does it happen when someone gets hurt like mine?"
"No, not really.. I'd rather not go into what triggers it, though."
Monty's good mood invaluably assists me in making him drop the subject.
"Ha, right! I don' wanna know what an angry Mike looks like either!" Monty gently punches my shoulder.
..Really didn't expect him to get so happy about this.. I'm also happy I could help, but.. What the hell could this possibly mean?
...
Monty and I spend another couple minutes chatting about less important topics.. I stick around solely to make sure he truly feels better about what happened, and it's starting to look like I'm in the clear.
As much as I'd like this to be the happy ending, there's still someone I need to talk to.. A conversation more difficult than this one awaits me for sure, and I'm not sure how much time I have to make it happen. So, I make my leave.
...
"Oh, Mike!"
Just as my torso passes through the door, Monty calls out to me one more time. I tilt my head a to the side to indicate that I'm listening.
"I'll talk to her myself at some point, I promise, but.. Y'know, just let Roxy I'm sorry, alright? Yer' better at liftin' spirits than I am, so I figure I'll let you go on ahead and work yer' magic before I talk to her."
I give him a thumbs up.
"I'll make sure she understands."
"Thanks. Mean's a lot.. Just don' want her to hate me by the time I perform with her again, y'know?"
"Roxy doesn't hate you."
"Put a good word in fer' me anyway, please.."
"Will do."
...
- Shh -
The sound of the door closing awarded me the first breath I've been able to take since I read those messages this morning.
Unfortunately, that might be the only breath I get to take until I get this other half sorted out..
I'm.. Not so confident about this one..
Monty's interaction was relatively easy to approach. "Hey, we both said some stuff we shouldn't have, I'm sorry, you're sorry, and we promise to try and get better from now on."
I wouldn't call it an 'easy' conversation to have with him, but.. Roxanne's is gonna be more along the lines of "Hey, I've been making bad decisions because I was too stupid to realize they effect you even after you literally told me multiple times that what I was doing was hurting you. I even put you at deaths door ten minutes ago, and only swept in to take responsibility for my mistakes at the last possible second, and was previously completely willing to watch you make a choice I forced upon you that would have permanent, devastating consequences. My bad. We cool now? Can I sleep on your couch again? I like that couch."
...
"And Monty says sorry."
..What was I thinking all this time..!?
- Pshh -
...
Roxanne and I spot each other as I walk in, but the only sounds that accompany the two of us are the sound of my footsteps and the sound of her door closing behind me.
..Roxy's sitting in her desk chair, but it doesn't seem like she's been doing anything this entire time. Just.. Sitting there..
I was stressing myself out because I had no fricken' clue what Roxy's condition might be when I walked back in here. The last time I even 'looked' at her was when she was frozen in horror, making an impossible decision. So much has happened since then. I have no idea how Roxy reacted when I walked in front of her, how she reacted when I told Monty the truth, how she reacted when I threw her under the bus, how she reacted when I immediately did my damndest defending her afterward, how she reacted when I made Monty recede.. So on and so forth all the way until a few seconds ago, when I had no idea how she reacted when I left her to sit and stew in what happened by herself, alone in her room.
Now that I'm in here.. I still don't know.. It's an expression I've never seen from her before.
Roxy's still a little pale, but I'm not sure if that's just lingering from the Monty situation.. Funnily enough, on a surface level, her expression resembles her neutral expression quite a bit. Just about everything from her mouth to the muscles in her face aren't curved or tensed any differently than they usually are. Her eyes a a bit wider than usual.. But other than that, there's nothing on her face that suggests there's anything wrong. The unnatural characteristics that have been throwing me off are almost entirely in her body posture..
It'd be a bit more obvious if her posture wasn't naturally conforming to the chair she's sitting in, but it's still noticeable. Roxanne's sitting up straight, first of all.. Which doesn't sound like it means anything, but her back really isn't curved, almost at all. Her hands are folded neatly in her lap, which is a little peculiar.
This last thing is barely noticeable.. But now that I've transfixed on it, it's starting to tell me some things.
Her snout is dropped ever-so-slightly lower than usual. Like it's pointed at the floor in front of me instead of at the corner of the room like what I'm used to.
These details are so small. Small enough that if I didn't interact with her as often as I did, I might not have noticed them. But I think it's just enough to hint at what she's feeling.
..To be honest, before I walked in, I was almost confident that Rox would be be some form of 'angry'. Why wouldn't she be? I'm the one responsible for just about everything that happened today, aren't I? So.. I was kind of psyching myself up to get yelled at.. I understood that I was objectively in the wrong about what we were arguing about, so it's only natural that I just kinda sit here and receive whatever berating she had in store for me..
But now that I'm here looking at her, It's like.. Like she was preparing to do the same.. Like 'I'm' the one who was gonna stand here and yell down at 'her' for the things 'she' did wrong.
..What? Why? Why would I ever-..?
It took me a while to figure out what I was looking at because I've never seen her anything like this before.. Roxy would 'never' prepare to be yelled at. Even when she was the one who made a mistake, like when she scratched me or cut off my arm, she was always actively defending herself, venting, or apologizing. Whatever it was, she was always actively contributing what she thought to the situation at hand. She was never preparing to just sit there, shamefully and guilt-ridden, taking all the hatred.
That's what I'm seeing, I think.. And why it seems so unnatural. I'm looking at a Roxanne that doesn't have an ounce of fight in her.
'fight' is the adjective I'd use to describe Roxanne in literally everything she's ever done. No matter what she was trying to do, she was doing it with all the 'fight' she could muster.
There is no fight in Roxy right now.
Something is wrong.
...
I desperately want to ask her what's wrong, but the air in the room is heavy.. We can still taste the salt on our tongues from when we were arguing in here.. Ironically, I think this would be much easier if one of us WAS angry at the other..
...
...
"Are-..."
...
Off to a good start..
"Are you okay?
...
"I..I've never seen you like this before, just.. Are you okay?"
Roxy doesn't say anything, but she does react to my words this time. Averting her gaze as if she's looking for an answer to my question.
I'm not a terribly big fan of the idea that she needs to think about the answer to 'are you okay?'
...
"Do you think I'm mad at you..?"
"I.. I d-don't know.." Roxanne's voice barely escapes her snout.
"You don't know if I'm mad..? Rox, why would I ever be mad at you?"
"I don't know.. Just.."
"I'm not. Do you think I'm mad because of the argument we were having..?"
"I don't know.."
"You don't know..? Do you think I'm mad because of Mont-?"
Roxy rises from her chair.
"I don't know, Mike! I-I don't know! I don't know!"
The immediate change in her tone was enough to physically take me aback.. What in the world is going on with her?!
"What do you mean you don't know..? What don't you know?"
"I don't kn-!" Roxy chokes on her words on realizing that her answer wouldn't make sense. "I.. L-look, I don't know if you're mad at me, okay..?! I don't know why you'd be mad if you were! I don't know if I should be mad at you, or if we shouldn't be mad at all, I-I just-!"
"Rox, what in the world are you talking about? What happened!?"
"I-! Mike! I don't know! T-That's what happened! It-!"
Roxy sharply inhales, forcing her to take the time to form a coherent thought.
"..L-look, that was too much, alright?! I have n-no fucking idea what happened! F-First you got mad at me, and you n-never get angry! Then Monty came and said I c-cut your arm off! But you s-said I didn't! A-And I had to fucking choose between lying or b-being hated by everyone! A-And you were angry at me, so you weren't gonna h-help me! B-But then you did! And I didn't k-know why! Then you told Monty the t-truth, and said those things a-about me, which made him really angry! B-but then he got angry at you instead!? Then suddenly it was like I didn't f-fucking exist?! T-Then you told him he was trying to hurt me, and-! And then he just l-left! T-Then 'you' just left l-like I wasn't even-!"
Roxy's speech was completely incomprehensible, but I think I gleaned what her problem is..
"Rox..!"
"Mike, I have NO idea, o-okay?! I-I have no fucking idea what just happened! What happened!?"
She fried. Her brain simply couldn't keep up with what was happening, and it fried.
It sounds dumb, but it's not hard to imagine.
Even I had to work hard to keep up with everything that was going on. Monty was the largest part of the problem. It probably started when Roxanne first realized the decision she had to make. When that happened, the both of us went through an extensive thought process to figure out what the implications of everything was. Like, what telling Monty the truth would mean, and what telling a lie would do. Hell Roxy had even more to think about than I did, since she was also first figuring out that I 1: Talked to Monty about my arm. 2: Monty deduced what happened. 3: I lied to keep Monty defused..
But that's the last part she was likely able to keep up with.
Hell, I had a gigantic moment at that time which resulted in a complete perspective change about my lying situation, and Roxy had NO reason to think that had happened. So to her, I really did just 'randomly' choose to take over, despite thinking that I was still upset with her.
Once she got tripped up trying to figure all that out, it was over.
Then I told Monty the truth right in front of Roxy, which was confusing because it was the riskier choice of the two. Then Monty became angry at her, but then immediately started ignoring her, which makes NO sense without understanding that Monty'll focus on the person in his way first. Then Monty and I had an aggressive talk, which Roxy might not have understood why I was so hostile for. During that talk, Monty and I repeatedly mentioned parts of a conversation we had earlier, which was new information that cluttered Roxy's brain as well.. I could go on and on and on, but you see what I mean by now.
Roxy was lacking important information that justified the actions the two of us took, so she couldn't figure out what was happening. Then, to make it even worse, tripping up on that 'lack of information' made it significantly harder to comprehend the new pieces of information that she was actively receiving.
And at the end of it all, Monty and I just 'dipped'. Leaving Roxanne alone to try and comprehend the situation that occurred without the information that she needs to put it all together.
..Rox just got jumbled.. So many emotions in such a short amount of time fried her brain, and now she doesn't know what the hell she's supposed to be feeling right now.
So thankfully, that means there's still fight in her.. She just couldn't act on it because she doesn't know what she's supposed to be 'fighting' for right now.
Not saying I'm 'happy' this was the case, but.. I'm glad it was 'just' this.. When Roxy wouldn't respond, I really started to think that something was seriously, seriously wrong.
She's just confused.. You can calm the hell down now, Mike..
"Okay, okay, I get it. Are you alright?"
"N-No! A-Am I supposed to be? Do I need to be alright?"
..Is she.. Actually 'asking' me that? Not just being rhetorical?
"I'm not sure, I kind of thought you'd be angry with me when I walked in here.."
"O-Oh, then-.. S-Should I be angry? D-Do you need me to be angry?"
This isn't working.
"Rox.."
"I- Fuck, Mike! I-I don't know! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do! W-What the hell do you want me to do?!"
"Do you want me to explain what happened?"
"Yes! I'll-..! Um.. W-well, No, t-that'll only make it worse.. I-I'm just.."
She might be right. There's so much clutter bouncing in every corner in her mind that trying to cram any more in there might be pointless..
Alright, well, I guess that means I have to get her to stop 'thinking' for a second. Need a blank canvas to paint the story on.. Here, we'll try this.
"Come here." I extend my arms outward towards her. "I know you don't want to, but it'll be easier if-"
Roxy's head collides with my chest and she starts holding on almost immediately, acting the very instant she comprehended what I was going to ask.
Kinda thought she'd be more reluctant to do that.. Guess she really is confused enough to just do whatever I say..
"..Alright, Now just.. 'Stop', I guess."
"S-Stop what?"
"Everything, just for a few seconds. Stop thinking. Stop trying to figure out what happened. Just forget about it."
"..What? H-How the hell do you expect me to-?"
"It's easier than it sounds. Just stop thinking. If you can't do that, think about what's happening right now, don't think about what happened before. We'll get to it later."
"..F-Fine.."
...
...
"D.. Did you do this with Monty, too?"
That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.
"No. Monty and I talked about something else."
"U-Ugh.. I don't like being the 'emotional' one.."
"Monty was emotional too, we just didn't have to do this."
" 'Cause Monty doesn't fricken' lose his mind every time anything happens.."
"I thought I told you to stop thinking."
"You told me I could think about what's happening now!"
"Changed my mind. Stop thinking."
"Fine.."
...
...
"I can't-... I can't stop thinking, Mike.. I'm trying.."
"That's alright. What are you thinking about?"
"You.. Why did you, fricken'-.. Ugh, I just-! I can't figure out why you jumped in for me..! Or why Monty got angry at you..!"
"You can't figure that out by yourself, don't stress trying. I'll tell you everything once you're alright again."
"I am alright..!"
"You aren't alright."
...
"F-Fine.."
...
...
"Why are 'you' the one who always knows things, and I'm the one left in the friggen dark.."
"Rox."
"What?"
"If you open your mouth even one more time in the next couple minutes, I'm throwing you in Monty's room to figure it out for yourself."
"Fuck- Jesus Christ, Mike! Fine!"
...
...
"Alright.. You can say something agai-"
"Shut up."
...
..?
"..Sorry, Mike, Just.. Shut up for a couple more seconds.."
"Okay."
"Just figured out how to 'stop thinking', and I don't want you to make me think again.."
"You don't have to. I've 'thought' everything already. Just erase everything from your mind, and I'll replace it with what happened."
...
"L..Let me do this a little more anyway.."
"Alright."
...
...
...
"Okay. Tell me."
"Wanna sit back in your chair while I explain?"
"No."
"Okay..Do you wanna sit on the cou-?"
"I'm not moving. Tell me."
"Alright, alright.."
...
So, I tell her.
Not repeating everything here, since y'know, you already watched everything happen in real time. But I break everything into bite-sized pieces, and explain everything to her as comprehensibly as I can.
I'm not the best person to 'explain' something, that's for sure.. But with any luck, I can get everything to make sense the way I see it.
Why I started getting upset with Roxy during our argument. Why Monty got angry at me instead of her. Explained the entire conversation I had with Monty back when I showed him my arm. Why I decided to tell Monty the truth instead of the safer option. Why I tried so hard to act like she didn't exist. Why I was extra harsh to Monty during our argument. Why Monty and I left..
...
There's still something I have to explain.. Think I unintentionally avoided it.. Or maybe did on purpose..
The explanation dragged on for a while, so we eventually gravitated toward the couch. We remained in the same position, but vouched to sit horizontally across the couch while I continued to ramble. Resembling that (shockingly common..) position we were in back when my arm was severed, and again a few nights later.
There's a short silence between us as I think about what else there is to explain.. But I think I'm just about out of excuses to prolong the inevitable any longer.
...
"..Anything else you're confused about?"
"Mike, I.. Look-, I get why Monty was acting like that now. Why you talked to Monty like that makes sense too. But, fricken'.. Why?"
"Why what?"
I know 'why what'..
"Why'd you talk to him at all..?! You just told me you got angry at me..!"
"I did, yeah.."
"If you thought I was wrong, then why the hell'd you-?"
"Rox-, Because I didn't, alright?"
That came out a bit more forcefully than I intended it too, but that a took lot of effort to admit.. I thought it would be easy to waltz in and say I was sorry, hell all I had to do was find a break between when Rox was yelling at me to apologize. She 'didn't' yell, though.. It would be so much easier to say sorry if I was getting what I deserved, but I haven't yet.. So now I feel like I'm asking for it.
"..What do you mean you 'didn't'? I thought that was the entire friggen reason you got angry?"
"It was, I just.. While you were trying to make the choice with Monty, I, um.."
...
"Mike?"
Screw it, I'm letting loose and hoping for the best.
"..Look, I messed up, alright? While you were facing Monty, I realized that the whole reason he was in here and forcing you to do anything was because I lied and led him straight to you. I know I could have handled the situation by myself if I had told Monty what happened the first time he saw my arm. He'd be angry, but I would have been able to calm him down, and saved you from having to experience that whole thing. But I just.. Didn't want to do that at the time.. So I lied, and you almost had to say something terrible."
...
"..Oh, I.. Didn't think about that.." Roxy's voice softens, as if her brainpower is still comprehending what I just said.
I figured she didn't realize that part was my fault.. She was too busy trying to wrap her mind around everything else at the time.
...
"Mike, you-"
"Sorry, wait, sorry, I'm not done. Just needed a sec.."
Shouldn't have stopped talking in the first place, but I needed a moment to breathe..
"That's when I realized what I've, um.. been 'doing' to you.."
I take another second, but make sure to continue before she can respond.
"Rox, I didn't realize-.. Look, I was an idiot.. You told me how you were feeling when I did things you didn't like. I knew you didn't like it when I kept secrets from you, I knew you didn't like it when I lied, I knew you got frustrated that I told other people things, but hid them from you.. I just didn't fully understand why, I guess."
...
"Mike, what-.. What even was there to misunderstand..?"
Roxanne worded that question like she was upset at me, but her voice remained muffled and weak.
"My answers wouldn't make you feel better.. There wasn't much I could possibly misinterpret, but I did anyway."
...
I decide to continue talking before Roxanne does.
"I thought it was about me.. Thought that the only reason you got frustrated with my lies is because 'I' was annoying when it happened, but of course that wasn't really it. I send trouble your way when I lie to you, and you're the one who had to pick up the pieces, like with Monty.. And Chica, too. Thought you just didn't like me telling her secrets because it was 'I' was a pain when I did that, but.. I was hurting you. Like actually hurting you, for real. And you 'told' me that. You told me how you felt when I did that, and I seriously still didn't get it."
...
...
...
"Mike, w-who fuckin' taught you to apologize like that?"
"Was it decent?'
"N-No, it was awful.."
Not the best time, but that still gets an amused huff from me.
"Sorry. I'm not very good at this kind of thing."
"You aren't."
...
...
"I'm sorry."
"T..There.. That's all you had to fricken' say.."
"I'll try starting with that next time."
...
...
This feels ridiculously stupid to ask, but I can't help it..
"Are you mad?"
...
...
"Yes."
"Alright, yeah.. That's fai-"
"You lied when you said you wouldn't, kept secrets from me, and almost got me killed. Of course I'm mad at you. I could kill you right now."
"I'm.. Sorr-"
"Sorry won't work, Mike. Not after all that."
"..."
"You hear me?"
"Yeah.."
"I'm not gonna forgive you. Not for a sorry, corpse. You get that?"
"I-I understand.."
"So make it up to me."
"..Make it up to you..?"
"Yes."
"How do I-?"
"Stay here."
...
"..Huh?"
"Stay here tonight. Don't leave. Just.. stay here."
"..Rox, I need to-"
"I don't care. Stay here. If you don't stay here, I'm not forgiving you, ever."
"Like.. Stay in the Pizzaplex-?"
"No.! Stay in here. In my room. With me.. I don't care what we do, just stay here."
...
"I-I'm.. Not done with my job for toni-"
"Please.."
...
...
"Okay."
...
"That's what I thought.."
...
"What do you want to do, then..?"
"Nothing, shut up."
...
"Can you get off me then-?"
"No."
...
...
Fuck it.. Fine with me.
Sensing that Roxy really does want me to shut up for a couple minutes, I drag my gaze from off the top of her head to the ceiling above the couch.
...
What a weird day..
As much as I want to say everything wrapped up perfectly, there are just a couple loose ends that I haven't been able to tie together.
This isn't really a 'loose end', but.. What I think about 'lying'.
...
I want to say I've learned my lesson.. Want to say with confidence that I learned that "lying is bad always", but..
...Can I say that?
...
I undoubtedly caused problems today. Hurt people I'm close with, all because I lied about something. And I really do believe that I'm gonna be more considerate going forward.
...But I just can't say that lying is, like.. Objectively bad.. Of course, it usually is. 90% of the time, it's gonna end poorly, even if you lie with good intentions.
...
I wouldn't have been able to catch my father if I hadn't lied. No way in hell. There.. are just things that I have to be deceptive about sometimes..
But I don't think that's what my problem was.
I was a liar. I didn't just 'lie' sometimes.
How much I had to lie in the past to catch up to William might have tainted me, or at least that's 'my' excuse. I'd lied so much back then, and ultimately achieved my goal.. But after that, I didn't stop lying. I lied about things that were pointless, or that were important to someone else.
There's my verdict.. There inevitably will be times where lying is objectively the correct thing to do. Maybe it's to do something like save a life, or prevent a death.. But no matter how altruistic you are with your lies, or how many people you save, you'll always go down in history as being a liar, and the people you hold closest might stop trusting you.
...
Think I'm gonna start living with this in mind, instead of whatever I was thinking beforehand.. Not even sure if I've had a 'moral code' before, but this one seems like a good start.
...
There is one real 'loose end', however..
I couldn't find a way to blur the lines between my scar and the document to Roxanne.
Things were so intense and jumbled that Roxy doesn't seem to have pieced it together yet, but she has all the pieces..
...
I think it's only a matter of time..
If I had these exact same thoughts an hour ago, before any of this happened, I might be freaking the hell out right now.. And yeah, it does scare me, quite a bit actually..
Literally the only thing I had to do, the one lifelong goal I had is to prevent anyone from figuring out what happened. It's supposed to be a secret that dies with me, so the events of the past can finally stop poisoning the present.. Everything that happened would finally be done with, forever.
...But now Roxy's probably going to find out.. It has the chance to spread. To inspire people to make media about it.. Maybe inspire a few copy-cat killers.. Which is the one thing I promised myself I'd prevent at all costs.
But now it might get out. Roxy might figure out the entire story. I should be panicking, scrambling to come up with any way to prevent that from happening.
...
But I'm not.
It still scares me, like I said, but..
...
I trust her.
..Maybe things will turn out alright after all..
Notes (Bottom edition (Don't act like you're not impressed))
Hey! You're still alive! That's phenomenal!
So by now you've surely recognized that the reason this chapter is because
it's a
frickin'
mess
Okay, so the reason this happened is because I had a few 'ideas' I wanted to put into writing, but I was like.
"Well these aren't big enough to be their own chapter"
So I took a small group of them that had synergy and thought it would be fine if I clumped them into one chapter.
THIS is the result of that. 18,000 words. almost 4 TIMES the amount of words I would usually be content with. I seriously thought that this chapter would be about 6 or 7 thousand words by the time I was done.
It was SUCH a mess to create. And this chapter goes over so many vague concepts that I felt that a lot of explanation was necessary, unaware of the abomination it would create.
To elaborate, I don't think it's 'bad' per se, but it's absolutely a mess.
Editing was a nightmare. Almost everything I wrote could have been done a little bit better, and I wanted to change things to reflect that, but I unironically believe that it might have taken me an entire week to edit this entire chapter into what it's 'perfect form' would be.
Okay.
Alright, that's all out of my system. I was exasperated typing these notes, if you couldn't tell, so sorry if it was a little too wacky-zany.
There's more I could say, but there's always more I could say.
Last thing: Some people have suggested that this story really is T because other than the swearing, it doesn't have anything to be 'M' about. Made me consider that if I made this story M, and people who wanted M clicked on this story and found that there wasn't very much M, they'd probably be upset.
So, think I'm gonna keep it at T and cut back on the swearing a bit.
(This chapter was kind of an exception because I didn't make this choice until after it was most the way done.)
Alrightseeyoulaterbye.