Chapter 4

A light, almost timid, knock on the door pulled Pherein out of his time of contemplation and meditation. Thoughts from the previous day and home continued to pull at him. He found he'd been doing this more lately and trying to connect with some of his older practices that had fallen away in the last two years in particular. He missed Delorgan, he missed Lothian and, he confessed, he missed his parents.

It had been an uneventful day for him so after having his midday meal he retired to the room he kept on the upper level of the Sorrowful Ranger. The room was sparse, with a bed, small table with two wood straight back chairs, wash basin and commode. A series of wood pegs in the wood paneled wall held his armor and weapons and a large chest with iron lock held his other items. It was spartan but suited the islander well.

The same timid knock was repeated so the man got up and walked towards it to see who was there. He had few visitors, though some came on business. He was expecting no one so grabbed his dirk which was on the table as a precaution though he really didn't fear attack there. Still, wise caution had kept him alive all these years.

Opening the door with his free hand, dirk at the ready with the other, the muscular fighter was shocked by what he saw.

"Lily!" Pherein said in surprise as the attractive woman stood before him. He was happy to see her yet didn't quite recognize the woman who had dominated his thoughts of late at first since her face was done with make up to accentuate her natural good looks. Lush, painted red lips accentuated her porcelain white skin. Green fringed earrings dangled tantalizingly from her ears and even her shaped nails were colored a light pink. She was altogether gorgeous, beautiful in fact. Yet while the result was stunningly appealing it was not what Pherein had found himself being drawn towards the first time they'd met.

"May I please come in?" the woman asked nervously, averting the man's surprised look and seeming to suddenly feel self-conscious.

"Oh course, do come in," Pherein answered, trying to regain his wits.

Instead of moving towards the chair he pointed towards the woman removed her dark wool cloak and sat down on the side of the bed. The woman wore a tight-fitting green linen gown that accentuated her lithe body and Pherein couldn't help but stare at the surprising sight.

"What are you doing here?" Pherein asked, finding himself getting lost in her deep blue eyes.

"I heard what you did for me the other day," Lily answered, looking past him into nowhere.

"You mean the conversation I had in the Ranger with Amon Sul?"

"Yes."

"It was nothing really. I spoke for both of our interests," Pherein replied with a shrug.

"And yet for the second time in a week you have saved my life," the woman replied, a spark of light coming but then as quickly being snuffed out by a mixed look.

"Anyone would do the same thing," the warrior declared.

"I would disagree, but that is not the point." Lily's face clouded, as if she were struggling with a thought. Then an almost fatalistic resolve appeared. "You have looked after my interests and have not been rewarded for what you've done."

"I sought no reward," Pherein answered, a bit taken aback. "Nor do I seek any recompense for what I did." The Delorgan began to become uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation and look the woman was giving him. "It was the right thing to do."

"None the less, I have come to offer payment for what you've done."

"Again, I seek no payment for helping you."

"Of course you would say that, it does you credit," Lily answered with a harshness in her voice Pherein had never heard. "All men say that before they receive what I have to offer."

"I do not know what you mean," the naïve Delorgan answered though not liking the tone of the woman.

"I give myself in payment to you for the kind deeds you have done me." Lily stood up and moved her hand behind her golden blond hair to untie the cord that gathered her gown. As it opened the garment shifted and fell off her shoulders to reveal the top of her round breasts.

"Stop!" Pherein ordered. Putting up his hand for emphasis.

"Do you wish to do this yourself?" Lily asked with a hint of resignation.

"I do not wish to do it at all!" Pherein shot back, his emotions rising.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I asked nothing of you for what I did, and I certainly have not asked you to give yourself to me the way you seem to be offering," the Delorgan replied, becoming agitated.

"I know you did not ask, I am offering," Lily responded, looking at the man harshly.

"And I tell you I do not want this from you," retorted.

"Come now, Pherein, that's what all men say until they take it," Lily countered, with a note of bitterness. "You do not need to do this, I am offering myself, freely, and gladly I might add," she declared, a note of hope in it the agitated Delorgan missed.

"And I tell you I do not want this," Pherein's voice rose, anger building, "not in this manner anyways."

"You are rejecting me then?" Lily asked, fiery anger evident in her expressive eyes that turned quickly to embarrassment.

"Of course! Do you think I am so base or so desperate that I would accept this, offered in such a way?" the proud Delorgan shot back anger bubbling over.

"Then it seems I was mistaken about you," Lily declared bitterly, feeling the sting of rejection, but also a sense of humiliation. Part of her screamed that this was a noble act, that this was exactly the thing she hoped and prayed for, but temper and pride overwhelmed her.

Pherein shook his head, trying to control his rising temper, missing the disconnect between the upset woman and the look on her face. "Yes, it would appear you are where I am concerned."

Lily grabbed her cloak and threw it angrily over her shoulders, pulling it in close in front to hide her breasts. "Then I will wish you a good day and beg your forgiveness for this unwelcome intrusion."

Pherein said nothing but looked out the window, not wanting to see the woman he'd been thinking about with a growing hope earlier in the day. His anger and pride blinded him to the tears forming in the woman's eyes as she scurried out of the room in embarrassment. The Delorgan didn't see it, nor did he care. Instead, he slammed the door behind her hard enough that the patrons in the Tap Room below heard it.

Pherein stormed around his room like a caged animal. He raged back and forth, eventually punching the solid wood beam that held up a roof joist as hard as he could. The man might have shattered his fist, but he was unaware, anger surging through him.

How dare she come like this and throw herself at me in that matter, like some common slattern! Of course I want her, he raged, but not in this way.

Below the proud Delorgan's anger though a deeper feeling of hurt gripped his heart. He'd been thinking of Lily constantly since the time he'd spent with her earlier in the week. To have her come in this way and offer her body as payment for what he'd done as a noble act offended him. Yes, but it also hurt him deeply since his act of valor, as he'd seen it, became nothing more than a cheap transaction making him nothing more than the sell-sword he'd become. His honor, his sense of duty, his character, seemed of no consequence and so his anger was salted liberally with a pain of the heart. Besides, deep down he'd been hoping for something more with her, something equally noble, like his act of defending her. Yet despite how physically attracted he was to her and how much he'd wanted her, this despoiled it.

Feeling like a caged beast, Pherein needed to get out. Grabbing his sword and belt he left his room and went out into the town. Everywhere he went people gave him a wide berth since most in Latrellus knew the old parable about standing in the way of a Delorgan in a blood rage.

Lily's eyes were filled with tears to overflowing by the time she got to the main floor of the Sorrowful Ranger. Through blurry vision she saw her friend who worked there as a bar maid. It had been her that had told Lily of Pherein speaking for her honor and protection against the powerful businessman with criminal connections. No, she had to leave, barely able to breathe. The woman burned with humiliation at the summary rejection she'd received.

"Who is he to turn me down?" she raged as she left the inn and moved down the road in the direction of him. "Is he so high and mighty to reject me? Son of a Jarl, humph! I guess he thinks he is too good for me."

But as the woman pushed her way through crowds of people in desperate flight to get out of the town and away from her embarrassment a new conviction began to try to take hold, one that her mind had been screaming to her and she'd missed- that she had just witnessed an act of nobility she didn't think existed. Yet the woman was proud, despite being a slave still and having been used many times over the years by men in the way she had just offered to the Delorgan to make ends meet. No, she'd reserved for herself, locked deep in the recesses of her spirit, a degree of control for herself that led her to give something before it was taken so she could look to herself and say she was in control. No man had ever said no before when offered, yet this warrior had. A new fit of rage overcame the woman's sensibilities and it wasn't until she could see the Lone Bridge and had passed the spot where Pherein had saved her life that, like a bull running wild and finally running out of energy, she began to see things differently. She was wrong, as were her preconceptions. Pherein's anger in response to what had happened confused her, but she had no place to try to shift any blame to him.

No, Lily knew this rested with her. Ever since her husband had died the woman had been barely holding on. Financially that was the case which led her to do things for money she didn't want to think about, but emotionally she was barely holding on too. When she'd been attacked the other day part of her had hoped they'd kill her.

Yet she wouldn't leave her children.

Though only 24 she felt like she'd lived twice that long. Born a slave, she never knew her father. She didn't even have a last name and so no family heritage. Married at 18 the kind merchant twice her age had genuinely loved her and she him. Though he was not able to give her his name since it was given to his other wife, she never doubted his affection for her. The fruit of their love was Molly and Nigel, and they were her everything. Though standing 5' 4", average for a Latrellan woman, she weighed only around 115lbs. People often thought she was frail as a result, but she had physical strength that others missed from years of hard work and moved with the litheness of a dancer. That often caught the eye of men.

Who have I become? Molly thought to herself again. Why did I lead with that? Why didn't I just talk to him, tell him how much he means to me and then….

The words trailed off as she couldn't even bring herself to think them.

I cannot stay on this path. I need a fresh start.

The thoughtful and intelligent woman mulled over again what had happened with the puzzling Delorgan, Pherein MacDiarmidson, and knew where her error lay. She would make it right and, in that act, in her declaration of who she was in her heart and not what she'd become, things would change.

By the time she got home she was calmer, though still confused, rethinking the whole incident again and again. Seeing her young daughter bouncing up and down in anticipation of her arrival caused her heart to sink.

"What's wrong, mama?" Molly asked perceptively, knowing her mother had been upset.

"Nothing my darling. I made a mistake, that is all."

"But you're going to fix it, right?" the girl asked, all confidence in the mother she looked up to.

"Yes, I will," Lily replied though with a heavy heart for the misguided faith her daughter seemed to have placed in her. She had been wrong, but she was determined to fix it. No, there was still time to make things right and with that chart a new course.

The next day Lily swallowed her pride and walked back to Grantsbend and to the Sorrowful Ranger inn. She was determined to apologize to Pherein and explain to him what had happened then beg his forgiveness. Her heart soared as she began to believe they could have a fresh start. Yes, she could have a fresh start, and begin to live in another way. And they could have a fresh start with a new call on both their lives, perhaps even a life together. A hope grew that with this man she might have a new and different life.

By the time she mounted the stairs and arrived at the man's door she had a spring in her step and a lightness in her heart. She knocked with a sense of anticipation but there was no response.

Pherein was gone.