Anguish
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Fall 2015 – Four Months After Season 3
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He was dead because of her.
He wasn't the first person to die on her watch. As TAO that was her job, after all – to watch the teams go out and support them from the ship. But this time it was different. Because he wasn't a soldier or a sailor or even a gun-for-hire. He was a civilian. A man who could barely shoot a gun.
His only weapons were his mouth and a pen.
She had fought Tex tooth and nail when he dragged her to the vehicle, knowing that leaving him behind was a death sentence, but some part of her still hoped, still believed that Allison had some tiny bit of humanity left.
But it wasn't to be.
Instead, his grave was an unmarked hole somewhere on these grounds, his body unlikely to ever be found. They hadn't waited a day, not even to try to extract more information out of him, executing him within hours of President Oliver's rescue.
While Kara was trying to convince Tex to turn around, to go back, to plan a rescue, it was already too late.
"You thinking about Shaw?"
Danny approached until he stood next to her on the small patio where President Michener would sometimes hold their morning briefings. Jeffrey, Alex, Allison, Kara, sometimes William Beatty and Howard Oliver. Kara used to enjoy those mornings - the change of scenery, the more relaxed environment – back when she still thought that they were all on the same side.
Back before the killing started.
"Barnes," Kara replied, her tone sharp.
"Tex told me what happened, Kara. There was nothing you could do." His voice was calm, collected. The voice of someone who understood what it felt like to send another person to their death.
"I know." And she did. Once Jacob was caught, there was nothing she could do to save him. She could only have died with him.
And as Tex said, what was the point in that?
"What was he like? Barnes?"
Kara gave a snort. "He was an asshole. You couldn't trust a thing he said. It was all designed to manipulate you into revealing information or advancing his own agenda. Plus he was a conspiracy theorist. He was almost as bad as Val. I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. But..."
The cool night air swept over them, causing Kara to shiver, and a moment later Danny's jacket settled on her shoulders. She pulled it tightly around her, feeling the heat from his body, wishing that it was enough to warm her, knowing that the real chill came from inside.
"But he didn't deserve to die like that. He had a family, before the Red Flu struck. His wife was pregnant when she died. Maybe he was a different person then. Maybe he could have become that person again."
"Maybe," Danny confirmed. "Or maybe he was just an asshole."
Stunned by Danny's bluntness, Kara laughed until she cried. Big, ugly sobs for a man she tolerated, at best, but to whom she owed a debt she could never repay. Then more tears, not for Jacob, but for all those she had lost.
Tears for Frankie, who died back when death still felt like a shock.
Tears for Barker, who came so close to finding out that his wife and children were alive and well in a Norfolk safe zone.
Tears for Ravit, who captured Carlton's heart and all of their admiration with her spunk and laughter.
Tears for Chung, who continued to have hope for the future long after Kara's was gone.
Tears for Rachel, who died alone in a hallway on a night of celebration.
Tears for Mason, who, despite his doubts, never let Kara down.
Tears for Val, who finally found a place where she belonged, only to die in an explosion meant for someone else, collateral damage.
Tears for Cruz, who would, and did, give his life for the team.
Tears for Tex, who saved Kara from the same fate as Jacob. Who was the reason she was standing here, Danny's arms wrapped around her, holding her while she cried. Who was the reason she would go home to her son tonight. Who was the reason she had a future at all.
When the storm finally passed, Kara leaned against Danny's chest, taking comfort in the fact that he was here – he was alive. That, unlike Jacob or Frankie or Cruz or Ravit or Rachel or Mason or Barker or Val or Chung or Tex, Danny wasn't in a shallow hole or a watery grave or buried on a tiny island in the Pacific Ocean. That he was here, with her.
At least for tonight.
It was something that she would never take for granted again.
Kara straightened. "Let's go home."