Sans was having a bad time. No, that was an understatement. He was having the bad time. Why couldn't Papyrus let him go home and sleep this off? Everything would go back to normal in the morning, right…?
No. Not with his luck, it wouldn't.
"...AND THEN I ENDED UP IN THIS—IN THIS INSUFFERABLE ORB OF A BODY!" Papyrus threw his arms—Sans's arms—in the air. "NO OFFENSE, BROTHER."
"None taken," Sans mumbled into Alphys's tile floor. She should invest in a rug, or some carpet, or something. You never knew when a friend would need to crash on your floor because he'd swapped bodies with his energetic brother.
"Let me get this straight." Alphys rubbed her temples. She looked about as exhausted as he was. "Sans, you messed up a shortcut… and then somehow, you ended up in each other's bodies?"
"That's the gist of it." He sighed.
"Has this ever happened before?"
He shrugged. Even his shoulders felt too big. How did Papyrus stand it?
"I stuck myself in a few walls when I was a kid. Nothin' like this, though."
"IT'S TRUE. SANS MAY BE LAZY, BUT HE'S ALWAYS VERY CAREFUL! WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED!" Papyrus stomped his foot. Considering he was wearing Sans's slippers, the sound wasn't very impressive.
...Sans wanted his slippers back.
"Everyone screws up eventually," he mumbled.
This screw up was a combination of staying too late at Grillby's, not watching where he was going, and Papyrus appearing to take him home at the wrong moment. Sans had tried to shortcut home just as Papyrus stepped into the bar. Somehow he'd shortcutted them both home. Just not in the right bodies.
The trek back to pick up Papyrus's car had been a pain.
"ARE YOU SURE YOU WEREN'T DRINKING?"
Sans tried to roll his eyes. Since Papyrus's body didn't have eyelights, it didn't work.
Man. How was he going to intimidate anyone without turning his eyelights off?
"You know I'm too fragile for that, bro. Which reminds me, I need you to freak out a little less," He waved an arm in the air, "enthusiastically. My body can only handle so much fun."
Papyrus's eye sockets widened. "ER—RIGHT." He crossed his arms, but still bounced with nervous energy. "SO, CAN YOU HELP US, DOCTOR ALPHYS?"
She bit her lip. "I'm, well—I'm no expert on bodyswaps. Unless you count the several thousand words of fanfic I've read, heheh… w-which I don't! So, um, I g-guess I'm saying… I don't know." She sighed. "But I'll try my best. I was preparing some tests for Chara and Flowey. If I run them on you guys, it might give us a better look at what's going on at the Soul level."
She shuffled through some papers. It was hard to see them from his angle, but one fell near his head. A dark ring of drool stained it.
"Tests?" He brushed the paper away with the back of Papyrus's glove. "Geez, Al, I thought you'd at least give us a study guide first."
She rolled her eyes. "Look. I know you guys are freaked out, and Sans is coping with humor as usual—"
"Guilty." He grinned.
"—but I really don't think I can do this right now." She sat down in her desk chair. "I'm not being self-deprecating, I swear. I'd just rather do any tests after a good night of sleep. If I made anything worse… w-well. I don't think I would, this time, but it's better to be safe, right?"
She didn't have to convince him. He would pass out right here if Papyrus would let him.
"BUT—WHAT IF IT GETS WORSE FROM NOT DOING ANYTHING?"
"How exactly would this get worse?" Sans asked. "I can't get more stuck in your body."
...Could he? Like Alphys had said, this was new territory. Who knew if there was a time limit before their switch became permanent?
Hell, for all he knew, it could already be permanent.
Heh. At least he wouldn't have to endure any more "little brother" jokes.
"OH MY G—WHAT IF I GET MORE STUCK IN YOUR BODY?" The same thought must have dawned on Papyrus. He dropped to his knees, balling his fists in the hem of Alphys's lab coat. "PLEASE! DOCTOR ALPHYS, YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE!"
"Er—w-well…"
"C'mon, Paps, I ain't that ugly. You'd live." Sans sat up. Weirdly, he was starting to feel less tired already. "You heard Al. She needs her rest if she's gonna help us."
"DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO DRIVE HOME? I HATE DRIVING WITH YOUR STUBBY LEGS! DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU HOW MANY BONE ATTACKS IT TOOK TO MAKE A BOOSTER SEAT?"
Sans snorted at that. There was a reason he'd never bothered learning to drive. ...Well, that and the fact that his shortcuts were easier, anyway. But since getting stuck in Papyrus's body, he couldn't access that ability.
"You gotta learn how to take us home the old fashioned way." Sans winked.
"UGH! YOU MAKE BENDING TIME AND SPACE SOUND SO EASY!"
Alphys glanced between them. "Y-you could stay here tonight. If you want. I mean, Mettaton had a guest room built for when he stays over. You'd have to share the bed, but it's a king size. There's plenty of room."
"METTATON! OH MY GOSH!" Papyrus's eyelights shrunk to panicked pinpricks. "I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM ON A DATE TOMORROW! I CAN'T GO OUT LIKE THIS!"
"Darn. Guess I'll just have to go in your place." Sans grinned. "I'll be sure to eat plenty of expensive food for you."
"THAT ISN'T FUNNY, SANS! WE'VE BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR MONTHS! HIS SCHEDULE IS ALWAYS SO BOOKED WITH TOURS, AND I'M BUSIER THAN EVER RUNNING THE RESORT—"
"Paps. Don't forget to breathe."
For a second, that shocked Papyrus out of his spiral. But then he just glared at Sans.
"WE'RE SKELETONS, SANS! WE DON'T NEED TO BREATHE!"
He shrugged unrepentantly.
"Guys." Alphys hopped out of her chair and stood between them. In Papyrus's body, Sans was at her eye level while sitting. "I'm really sorry. But I do need you both to go to bed. I'll do my best to fix everything in the morning. A-and if I can't, I know Mettaton will understand."
"Yeah, bro. I'm pretty sure he likes you for more than your pretty face." Sans grinned. For all his teasing, he knew Mettaton was the least of his brother's worries. The robot was smitten enough that Papyrus could switch bodies with a Vulkin and he wouldn't care.
Papyrus sighed and seemed to deflate. "YOU'RE RIGHT. I… I AM SORRY FOR TAKING THIS ALL OUT ON YOU TWO. I AM NORMALLY MORE GREAT THAN THIS."
"Hey, it's no big deal. It's my fault for getting you into this mess in the first place."
Sans looked away, choosing to focus on Alphys's wall of anime posters instead. Too bad real life wasn't an anime, or this subplot would probably be wrapped up in two thirty-minute episodes.
"It's going to be okay." Alphys forced a smile. "I'm the great Doctor Alphys, remember? I… I'll find a way to fix this. So just… relax and get some sleep, okay? I'll show you to the guest room."
Sans picked himself up off the floor. Hopefully Alphys had some clothes he could borrow. If he had to spend all night in these booty shorts and shoulderpads, even he wouldn't be able to sleep.
"The bathroom's attached if you need a shower." She opened the door into a lavish pink room, which was pretty standard for Mettaton. Papyrus oohed and aahed anyway. "Just, uh, be sure you pick the right setting. Mettaton usually leaves it on WD-40 instead of water."
"No worries. We're probably just gonna pass out, anyway." Sans gave her a smile. She really was one of the best friends a guy could ask for. Almost anyone else would've kicked him out the second he flopped on their doorstep.
"Thanks for putting up with us," he added. "And for putting us up."
"Is Papyrus's body rubbing off on you? That almost sounded sincere." She elbowed him with a smirk.
His face heated as Papyrus laughed. Was he rubbing off on him? Sans looked at his gloved hands, as if they'd have the answer. Then he shook his head. He was being stupid. Whatever was or wasn't happening, he couldn't do anything about it until tomorrow.
He told Alphys goodnight and then rummaged in a bedazzled dresser for a pair of pajamas. The shirt had some anime girl Sans didn't recognize on the front. The pants were MTT-brand and had "OH YESSSSS!" printed across the butt. That would've been awkward enough even if there weren't a bunch of tiny Mettaton faces patterning them. Which there were.
"Paps would probably kill for these." He chuckled to himself. Maybe he'd 'accidentally' wear them home and then give them to Papyrus once this was over.
Papyrus was currently in the bathroom, probably starting his forty-minute-long "skin care" routine. At least Sans would have a silky smooth skull to look forward to when he got his body back.
He climbed into bed, expecting to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the overly soft pillow.
He didn't. And he didn't fall asleep in the next thirty minutes after that. He was still lying there, staring at the ceiling, when Papyrus returned and fell face-first into the mattress.
"Uh. Need some help getting up there?" Sans chuckled.
"STUPID STUMPY BODY," he muttered.
Sans rolled over and lifted Papyrus onto the bed by the back of his shirt. He'd changed too, and was wearing one of the tees from Mettaton, Napstablook, and Shyren's tours. The shirt looked more like a dress on him.
"I WAS GETTING THERE."
"Sure you…"
Papyrus let out a loud snore.
"...were?"
Sans blinked. Papyrus never fell asleep like that. He hadn't even tucked himself in—he was just flopped on top of the pink comforter, like… like Sans.
"Great." He sighed. If Papyrus could now fall asleep in a blink, then it only made sense that Sans had gotten his insomnia.
He fished his phone out of the shorts he'd left on the nightstand. Only he and Papyrus hadn't thought to swap phones back after the incident, so it was his brother's sleek red phone that he found. There went his plan to text Toriel and update her on the situation.
"Man, she's gonna flip out…"
He sighed. The responsible thing to do would be to at least send a text from Papyrus's phone. He stole his brother's phone all the time; she wouldn't think too much of it.
He opened up Papyrus's phone (using the password COOL DUDE) and ignored the thirty texts from "MTT 3." He navigated to Toriel's contact… and couldn't help backreading the few messages that were already there.
Most were standard texts, grocery store requests, planning rides for Frisk… but some of the more recent ones were about him.
TORIEL: Do you think Sans would prefer Lemon Meringue, or Key Lime? There are so many recipes that I would like to try…
TORIEL: Or would he like neither? Should I stick with the classic butterscotch-cinnamon?
TORIEL: I am afraid that would be too boring.
Sans's brow furrowed. Was his birthday coming up and he'd forgotten again? Nah, it was March. His birthday wasn't until October.
ME: You could never bore Sans! Go for the key lime. He needs to eat more fruit anyway! And the meringue would get all over his face!
TORIEL: Ha ha, thank you, dear. Sorry for making you put up with this old woman's ramblings. ]:) Sincerely, Toriel.
ME: It's always a pleasure to talk with you, Miss Toriel! Even through text, where I am not actually talking to you. B) - me with very radical cool shades!
ME: Also I left my dating handbook by the TV in case you need it! B) (But I don't think you will! Because you are already very cool! And you wear clothes all the time!) Sincerely: a skeleton who believes in you a lot!
TORIEL: Thank you again Papyrus. I will be sure to continue wearing clothes. ]B) Thank you for sharing your very cool shades with me. Sincerely, Toriel.
"...What the heck, bro." He stared at the screen. "I can't believe you'd rob me of the chance to make meringue jokes. I whipped so many of them up."
He chuckled at his own pun. Papyrus let out a loud snore, which he chose to interpret as an affronted laugh.
But seriously. Was Tori going to ask him on a date? The timestamp was this afternoon. Would she have asked him on a date if he hadn't gotten stuck dealing poker at Grillby's?
Did she know that she was a million miles out of his league?
He barely remembered that he was supposed to text her as if he were Papyrus. His gloved fingers shook as he typed out the message.
ME: Sorry we didn't make it home! Sans passed out at Doctor Alphys's! What a lazy orb!
He flicked over the camera and snapped a badly-lit selfie, making sure to include Papyrus in the corner.
"Geez, that's unsettling." He whistled and went to set the phone down—only to feel it buzz in his palm.
TORIEL: Oh dear. I am sure he had a long night. Thank you for letting me know.
TORIEL: And please do be kind to him, alright? I do not mean to overstep, but I know your words have quite the effect on him.
TORIEL: Sincerely, Toriel ]B)
Had she been waiting up all night to make sure they were alright? He grimaced.
"Geez, old lady. You really are too good for me."
ME: Don't worry Toriel, he would tell you the same thing himself! B)
ME: PS you should ask him to bake you a pie, since you're always doing so much for him!
ME: NOW GET SOME SLEEP! Sincerely, a skeleton who cares about you very much!
Sans turned off the phone before he'd be tempted to check for replies. There was no point in keeping her up just because he couldn't sleep.
But at least he now had some nice thoughts to keep him company.