Alphys stared at the lab reports and tried not to throw up.
"T-this is fine," she said to herself, plopping down in her computer chair and pulling up the raw data again.
Maybe her printer had just… glitched. In exactly the same pattern for each of Sans and Papyrus's attacks. Even though she'd reprinted the data three times.
Yeah. She didn't believe herself, either.
The graphs sprawled across the screen in sinusoidal waves. On its own, that wouldn't have been alarming. Monster magic acted like both a particle and a wave, after all. But the amplitude and frequency of these specific waves…
They were all exactly the same. Whether the original attack had been white or blue, created by Sans or Papyrus—with the exception of the control groups, they all shared the same values.
Those values were an exact average between Sans and Papyrus's magical measurements. As if the waves had been added together. As if they'd become…
She scrambled off of her chair, nearly tripping over her lab coat in her haste to reach the refrigerator. It wasn't a regular fridge, or even a hotfridge. She'd modified it to keep out magical interference, like the fridge in her old lab underground. If anything had changed about the bone attacks inside—
She opened the door and let out a sigh of relief. None of the bones had melted together. She used a dirty fork to nudge a few of them, confirming that they were still solid (or incorporeal, in the case of the blue attacks). Even when she stacked a few on top of each other, they didn't show any signs of stickiness.
But the reports…
She looked back to her computer, biting her lip. There was no data on what was "normal" for monsters switching bodies. It just didn't happen! So, there was nothing to say that the attacks averaging their properties was a problem? Especially if they weren't, well, amalgamating…
And Sans and Papyrus were fine, too! Sans had texted her just last night that Papyrus felt comfortable shortcutting now, if that was the method they wanted to try returning them to their bodies.
All they were waiting on was her.
She sat back at her computer desk and sipped on the smoothie that Undyne had brought her a few hours ago. It was mostly melted by now, but it was still edible. (If a little heavy on the cinnamon.)
Undyne would suplex anyone who rushed Alphys. She'd already done so to a rich client who'd showed up at Alphys's doors, demanding to know why his son's drone wasn't fixed yet. As mortified as Alphys had been, it had been really entertaining to watch Undyne use the man's tie as a slingshot. Undyne assured Alphys that she'd pumped the man full of enough green magic to survive the landing. Humans were resilient, right?
Alphys wasn't looking forward to the review Mr. Soborne would leave on her website, but at least Undyne had gotten a cute emerald-crusted tie out of it, so?
Anyway! The point was, Undyne could buy Alphys as much time as she needed to figure this out. Alphys just wished she had any clue how long that might be.
Chara and Flowey's robotic bodies were already finished. The tangible work of soldering plates, processing the donated fur, and wiring synthetic neurons was relaxing compared to the metaphysical issue of how to actually get her friends into the right bodies. And now, with the bone data finalized…
She still had no clue what she was doing. Just like with the Determination experiments.
She dropped her face onto her keyboard, not caring that it exited out of her analysis program. The computer couldn't tell her anything else at this point.
Somewhere deep down, in the part of herself that had actually absorbed Papyrus's self-esteem training, she knew that she was overreacting. She'd only run one test. Just because the data didn't line up with her hypothesis didn't mean she'd failed.
Her hands still felt clammy. She dug her claws into her palms and tried to calm her breathing.
This wasn't like the Determination experiments. She hadn't done anything to Sans and Papyrus, or Flowey or Chara for that matter. And if anything went terribly wrong this time, Frisk and Chara were prepared to use their power to make things right. Everything was going to be okay.
Her friends were still here to support her, this time. They were all counting on her, but… maybe they'd understand if she needed their help, too. At the very least, they deserved an update on what she knew so far.
She dug her phone out of her lab coat pocket, determined—er, committed to not make the same mistakes this time.
XXX
It felt like a meeting with her old Royal Guard, sitting around Alphys's round table with her friends. Undyne sat on Alphys's right, of course, with Papyrus, Mettaton, Toriel, and Sans filling out the rest of the ring. Chara, Frisk, and Flowey were at Kid's house this afternoon. Undyne figured their mom didn't want them here for such a heavy discussion, even if their time travelling power might be useful later.
That was okay. Undyne would protect Papyrus and his lazy brother… even if she had no idea how.
"...s-so, yeah." Alphys finished explaining the situation, rolling the sheets of incomprehensible graphs back up. "I thought, with all of us working together, we could avoid… screwing up."
Undyne rubbed her girlfriend's shoulder. "Of course we can! With all our hearts beating as one, we can't go wrong!"
Alphys's wavering smile turned a little more sincere at that.
"My bro and I still feel fine, for what it's worth," Sans said, picking at his teeth with his pinkie. It was still unsettling hearing his voice come out of her best friend's mouth.
"AS FINE AS I CAN WHILE—" Papyrus clamped his jaw shut. "I MEAN, I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH CRAVING A LITTLE GREASE!"
Sans chuckled, but didn't elaborate on whatever weird brother shenanigans they had going on.
"I am not sure how much I can help, but I appreciate the invitation," Toriel said, her hands folded primly in her lap.
Frankly, Undyne didn't know what she would do either. Being the former queen didn't mean she knew anything about science—but then again, neither did Undyne. Besides, Mettaton was here too, so maybe Alphys had just invited everyone's significant others for moral support.
"A-actually, I need your knowledge of Boss Monster magic." Alphys bit her lip. "You know how when you have, um, a biological kid… your magic flows into them as they age, right?"
Toriel's expression hardened slightly.
"That is typically how it works, yes." Her voice was guarded.
Undyne guessed that didn't work so well when her kid was a flower. After all, Asgore had never seemed to age in all the time Undyne had known him.
Alphys wouldn't have touched that nerve without good reason. Undyne leaned forward, hoping she would be able to follow her girlfriend's brilliant leaps this time.
"So, when you and your, er, partner—um! What I'm trying to say is, do you know if Asriel's magic levels were an average of yours and Asgore's?" she got out quickly.
Toriel blinked, but quickly seemed to understand. "You want to know if it resembled the readings you received from the bone attacks."
"Exactly!" Alphys nodded in relief. "M-maybe it's a shot in the dark, but… I really don't have a lot of data to compare this situation to? Most monster children are created a little, differently, so—"
Papyrus coughed loudly. "YES, WE ALL KNOW HOW MONSTER CHILDREN ARE CREATED."
Mettaton's mouth opened, but quickly shut again. Undyne raised an eyebrow, and he blushed. She didn't even want to start unpacking that.
"R-right! A-anyway, that was stupid, so—"
"Perhaps not." Toriel frowned thoughtfully. "I do not have Asriel's readings anymore, of course. That was so long ago. But, I do believe that equal contributions of magical energy from both Boss Monster parents lead to a stable medium in the child. That is one of the key components to our immortality—the stability of our magic means that we do not experience physical decay in the same manner as other monsters."
Papyrus's browbone furrowed. "ARE YOU SAYING THAT SANS MADE US BOTH IMMORTAL?"
"That would be pretty sweet." Sans grinned.
"No." Alphys sighed. "It's your attacks that have averaged out, and only after you passed them through each other. The magic that makes up your bodies hasn't changed."
"Oh well." Sans shrugged. "Guess immortality's not all it's cracked up to be, anyway."
Toriel looked down at that. "No. It is not."
After a moment of awkward silence, Mettaton clapped his hands together.
"Well! It's wonderful that Papyrus and Sans are not in danger of melting together for all eternity, but what do you suggest we do now?" He looked to Alphys.
"I don't, actually know? That's why I called all of you." Her face flushed. "I mean, if we think that reenacting the shortcut will change them back, we can try that—but not until I've studied the way they work. I won't risk something worse happening to either of you."
Sans nodded. "Sounds good to me."
"I TRUST YOU, DOCTOR ALPHYS! IF YOU NEED TO STUDY US MORE, I WILL GLADLY TOLERATE THIS BODY A LITTLE LONGER!"
Mettaton patted him consolingly on his tiny shoulder.
"I-I have a few ideas of how to make sure the shortcuts are safe." Alphys unrolled a fresh sheet of blue paper and started sketching out a diagram for some kind of machine. "If I can echo the amplitude and wavelength of the magical disturbance, and recreate it artificially…"
"A teleportation machine," Undyne realized once Alphys had drawn two cylindrical chambers.
"Exactly! So we can make sure the consciousness transfer is possible first, without having Sans and Papyrus risk anything." Alphys beamed. "The science shouldn't be difficult with their help. I did lots of research on moving nonlinearly through space when I was the Royal Scientist. It um, didn't really go anywhere, because the Barrier was a magical field that existed in every dimension, but… a-anyway! I can apply the principles to this, easy."
Undyne smiled back at her brilliant girlfriend, proud that she was showing so much confidence. It was obvious that Alphys knew what she was doing, even if she'd gotten stuck in her head earlier. She'd just needed a little encouragement to trust herself.
"Uh, that's great and all," Sans scratched the back of his neck, "but how exactly are you gonna test a machine like that? Seems like you'd need somebody with a consciousness."
Alphys looked to Mettaton, biting her lip. "I wouldn't ask you, but…"
"Ah. You didn't invite me just because you missed my gorgeous face." He smiled back. "Yes, darling. For Papyrus? Of course I will."
"Thank you, Mettaton." She clasped his hand over the table. "And I d-did miss you, for the record."
Undyne's brow furrowed. "I'm not doubting you or anything, Alphy, but why's the robot gotta be the guinea pig?"
She would've volunteered herself, had Alphys given her the chance. She'd do anything for Papyrus, too. Besides, she trusted her girlfriend's commitment to safety. Even the amalgamates, which Alphys thought were her greatest failure, were still better off than they would've been without her help.
"Undyne, darling. I know Alphys told you about me." Mettaton looked a little embarrassed. Undyne hadn't known his face could make that expression.
"About—? Oh. This has something to do with you being trans?"
Mettaton's eyes widened, but then he laughed.
"Of course, beautiful! Didn't you know that trans people are immune to body transplant rejection?" He grinned.
Undyne's eye narrowed. It was always hard to tell when the robot was being serious.
"HE'S ONLY JAPING YOU, UNDYNE," Papyrus quickly reassured her. "IT'S HIS SPECTRAL QUALITIES THAT WILL PROTECT HIM DURING THIS HEROIC MISSION… I HOPE." He turned to his boyfriend. "YOU WILL BE OKAY, RIGHT?"
"If there is any issue with the consciousness transfer, I should still have the capability of returning to my fabulous body, yes." He squeezed Papyrus's hand. "Trust me, darling. I would not agree to something like this lightly."
Undyne knew that Alphys knew about Frisk and Chara's power, too. If anything went wrong, Undyne was sure they would use it.
"Then—it's a plan!" Alphys clapped. "The only thing is, um, I may need some help, building the machine? I mean, I could do it by myself, but if we want to get Papyrus and Sans back to normal as soon as possible…"
"It's the least we can do." Mettaton smiled. "Just tell us your vision, darling, and we'll make it a reality."
"Yeah! I promise I won't get distracted by how hot you are in a welding helmet this time!"
Alphys flushed bright red at Undyne's words.
"Th-thank you? I think?" She gave Undyne a quick kiss, which warmed her to the tips of her fins.
"You're welcome!"
Sans was snickering. Alphys shot him a glare, and he schooled his expression into something neutral.
"My schedule is clear for the evening," Toriel said. "I am ready to begin whenever you are."
"Th-then let's do it!" Alphys leapt up in her chair, her lab coat flaring dramatically. "Commence Operation: Mortal Coil Shuffle!"
"WOWIE! WE EVEN HAVE A SUPER COOL SCIENCE PROJECT NAME!" Papyrus beamed.
"Hell yeah!" Undyne nearly suplexed her chair in excitement, but didn't want to make any extra mess for Alphys to clean up.
"Heh. I'm surprised you didn't name it after that bodyswap episode of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie," Sans said.
Alphys and Undyne both stared at him.
"You watched Mew Mew Kissy Cutie!?" they both asked in unison.
He winked. "No."
Undyne shook her head with a snort. Even after all these years, Sans still managed to surprise her. Though he was right: A Mile In Her Ears had pretty good codename potential, even if Undyne, Mettaton, (and apparently Sans?) would have been the only ones to understand it.
"Wh-whatever!" Alphys stammered, then pointed to Sans and Papyrus.
"You two, report to the back lab table! I'll be there to measure Papyrus's shortcut readings in a minute. Toriel, Mettaton, and Undyne, you're on chassis duty! I want two glass cylinders with the specs I wrote on the blueprints." She handed the sketch she'd made during the meeting to Undyne. "The silica crystals are in the barrel over there. Between Mettaton's flamethrowers, Toriel's fire magic, and Undyne's green magic to stabilize the structure, you shouldn't have any problems. Is everything clear?"
"MA'AM YES MA'AM!" Papyrus saluted sharply. "THIS IS JUST LIKE HOW I IMAGINED THE ROYAL GUARD! ONLY DOCTOR ALPHYS IS IN CHARGE INSTEAD OF YOU, UNDYNE!"
"It's what she deserves!" Undyne grinned and gave Alphys a quick kiss on the cheek. "You're the coolest, babe!"
"I am pretty cool, aren't I?" Alphys touched her cheek and grinned back. "Just don't let my sexiness stop you from getting the job done."
"H-hey!" Undyne stammered, blushing. Alphys wasn't helping! She knew that being passionate was Undyne's weakness! "I told you, I'm gonna do this right this time!"
Undyne leapt from her chair, leading Mettaton and Toriel to the corner of the lab that Alphys had indicated. Her heart beat hard and fast both in admiration of her girlfriend and in anticipation of the task ahead.
Finally, she was going to help her friends.