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Well... complicated chapter...

Let's all be hopeful!

Happy reading!

Xoxo,

Nina

The knocking on the door made her get out of bed. Just like every Sunday she would wake up in the morning and do some reading as she drank her coffee.

"Hey, you look like you haven't slept. Is everything alright?" The blonde asked her friend right after opening the door and seeing her tired face.

"Am I interrupting anything? I can come by later." Kim asked.

"No. I'm by myself. Matt left like half an hour ago; and even if he didn't, this is your home too, you can come here anytime you want." Kim just stood there looking startled. "Please come in." Sylvie stepped away from the door, giving her friend enough space to step inside. "You're scaring me. What happened?"

"Nothing. Everything." She pulled her hair back trying to contain her stress. "Gosh, I'm so confused. I hate this, I hate myself for being like this, for keep on bothering you with all my shit, for not being able to get my fucking act together on my own."

"Ok, wait. Let's take a seat, relax and I'll make some tea for the both of us and you can tell me what's going on." Sylvie spoke with a sweet and calmed voice and lightly rubbed Kim's arm. "Where were you? Did something happen to you?" Her voice was a bit louder since she was now speaking from the kitchen.

"I was at the cemetery." Kim's confession surprised Sylvie because they were way past that. I mean they still went but only on special dates. The blonde remembered how Kim used to be there all the time. Sylvie's silence told Kim just how confused her friend was. "I guess I needed to be there. Talk to him." the brunette's voice was beginning to get wobbly, any second now the tears were going to be rolling down her cheeks. "It sounds stupid, I know."

"No, no it doesn't. I just want to understand what got you there." She walked over to the couch and sat next to Kim as she handed her a warm cup of tea. "And just to make it clear, you never bother me, alright? I know how hard this is and I'm here for you just like you have been there for me too." Kim just nodded as she began to cry. Sylvie's hand was on her friend's need in an attempt to keep her calm. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, um… last night, after the gala, I went to Adam's place and," She stopped for a second to breathe in. "and we were together."

"Oh." Sylvie couldn't really follow. She thought that that moment was going to be a good one for Kim. "Did you not want to?"

"No, I did. I really did. God, Adam would never do something like that either."

"Ok… was it bad?" Sylvie was beginning to get really worried because Kim wouldn't stop crying.

"No. Syl, it was amazing. He was lovely and I felt great, it was natural, heartfelt. I think I can honestly say I never felt anything like that, ever."

"Then why are you so upset?"

"I feel guilty as crap. I feel like I can't be living this with someone that's not Andrew, I feel like I'm betraying his memory. This is so overwhelming right now." Kim was sobbing so hard, Sylvie had to try really hard to understand the words coming out of her mouth.

"Baby, don't." the blonde scooted over and hugged her friend. "Kim, you have the right to be living this. Do you want to know what I think?" Kim nodded against her friend's chest. "Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest, alright? I think this is what Andrew would have wanted."

"Me to be screwing around? I doubt it."

"That's not what you're doing. You slept with a guy that you actually care about, this is meaningful Kim, this is what he would want you to do, to enjoy your life. He lost his so that we could live happy and free, don't you think we at least owe him that much?" Kim was crying harder now. "I've been thinking about this for a while now but never had the guts to tell you and I think now is the moment. To me, Adam was sent to you by Andrew. They have so many things in common, so many Kim. Ultimately all Andrew ever wanted was to make you happy and to defend his country. He did both, and now you can help him with his wish and let go of all this guilt you have in here." She placed her hand over Kim's heart. "And allow yourself to be happy, to feel all those wonderful things you felt last night." Kim nodded and continued to sob while Sylvie just held her in her arms. "Did you talk to Adam about this?"

"No. I left."

"What? You just left?"

"I know, I'm not proud of it, but I didn't know what to do. I left him a note."

"He didn't see you leave?"

"No, he was asleep."

They were both on their backs trying to catch their breath. Adam held her close to him and Kim rested her head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart and enjoying the rising and falling of his chest. His index finger was drawing shapes on her back and she was doing her best not to giggle due to the ticklish sensation his finger against her skin was causing. Adam took a deep breath and kissed the top of her head.

"That was incredible."

"It was." She agreed but didn't move her head from where it was. She was enjoying this too much.

"You know? I'm glad we took our time to do this. It was totally worth it." She giggled and that was the only reply he got, he didn't mind though, because her body was saying everything that her words were not.

She had tangled her legs with his and was hugging him by the waist, with no intention whatsoever to break away.

Kim felt safe, she felt at home.

Since Andrew's passing this was the first time that having sex meant much more that just a physical need, and it was scary for her. Everything that Adam had said earlier was true for her, too. She had fallen for him so bad, and what had just happened between them was the cherry on the cake. He made her body tingle like never before, he made her feel confident, sexy, taken care of. The only one who had made her feel like that before was Andrew, but this was much more intense.

Kim didn't want to move. She was afraid that if she broke contact with him everything would disappear and she would realize that all of this had been a dream.

When Adam's hand stopped moving and his breathing became much more steady she realized he was fast asleep.

That was when she started to spin out, when her brain and heart were invaded by guilt, when she started to feel like a horrible human being for feeling this way for Adam, for feeling happy and complete even if Adrew wasn't a part of it.

She tried hard to push all those thoughts and negative feelings away, she really did, but she couldn't.

She terribly lost that battle.

She was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, she couldn't stay there listening to Adam say wonderful and loving things and not saying anything back to him.

She got out of bed, looked for her things and got dressed before writing him a note.

I'm sorry I had to go, I'm spinning and I need to sort out some things.

Last night was truly amazing.

Xo,

K

She used the key she had to his house to let herself out and called an uber to go back to her place. She took a shower and got changed into more comfortable clothes. It was useless to try to sleep because she knew she wasn't going to be able to, so she went to the only place she felt she needed to be at right now. She went to see Andrew.

Kim was looking for answers, answers that his grave wasn't going to give her. She was on her own now, she needed to figure this out fast because she didn't want to risk losing Adam on top of everything else.

"Kim, I know I told you many times that you need to do what makes you happy, and I still stand by that, but it's not only you know. You have to consider Adam if you want to build something with him." Sylvie tried being as honest as possible.

"I know, I have to talk to him."

"Yes you do. Imagine waking up to an empty bed and a note. How would you feel?"

"Horrible." She said still crying.

"Talk to him."

"I will, I just need to know what to tell him. I don't want to sound like some crazy unstable person." She shook her head. "I guess I should have thought about that before leaving." They both chuckled and Sylvie was relieved to see her friend smile a little.

She refused Kim to leave and spent the day together.

The brunette was feeling better, she really got what Sylvie had said and she knew she was right. What was in her mind right now was that Adam hadn't contacted her or replied to any of her messages, but could she really blame him? Of course not, she would probably act the same way if she was in his place.

Kim thought about stopping by his place later tonight, but having this conversation with Gracie around wasn't the best of ideas.

Once again, she found it incredibly hard to sleep. Her stomach was tied into a big knot and she knew the only way to ease this was to talk to him and at some point coming clean to Andrew's parents. Kim was aware that she didn't owe them any explanations, but she really considered them as part of her family even if Andrew wasn't with them any longer.

But the most important thing for her right now was her present, and that was Adam Ruzek.

Kim was never absent from work unless she really couldn't make it or if she was truly feeling like crap. This morning she was feeling horrendous, she knew quite well this was all emotional, but she couldn't take care of the children properly being the mess she was right now.

She called in sick and stayed in bed for a little longer trying to rest, clearly she didn't. Staying at her place waiting for things to magically sort themselves out was a useless and immature thought. She had to own it and do her best to make things right.

Adam was still missing in action, she knew that they had the day off on Monday because he had told her about the plans he had to see his father and get ahead of some paperwork he had pending with Travis. Every time he had some time for himself he would spend it with his family or independently working on his brother's case.

It was a long shot, but she tried anyway, she showed up to his place. It was the least she could do after literally running away.

"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work?" He was pretty straight forward. He didn't sound mad, he sounded hurt and that was ten thousand times worse for her.

"Called in sick. I feel like shit." She answered honeslty.

"Are you ok?" That was him, it didn't matter how hurt or upset he was, he would always look out for her.

"I'm not. I really ruined something great between us." He just shrugged as he listened to her. "Can I come in? I'd really like to talk to you." He still wasn't speaking, but he moved over so that she could walk inside.

"Do you want a glass of water or something?" He was being polite and he walked her over to the couch.

"No, thanks." She sighed. "Adam, I owe you an explanation and an apology."

"Kim, you don't need to apologize for doing what you felt. If you didn't like it or didn't have a good time or whatever it's fine. Really."

"Wait, what? No." She was confused. "You think I left because I didn't like it? Who would do that?" She scrunched up her nose and furrowed her brows as she asked. "Adam." She called his name and placed her hand on his knee, hoping he would look at her and he did. "I liked it, a lot. You said it was incredible and I agree, one hundred percent."

"Then why did you leave?" He asked, sounding so vulnerable, it was breaking her heart.

"You're the first guy that I'm with after Andrew that I actually feel something for. This wasn't just sex for me." She was opening up, she was scared of the effect her words were going to have on him, but she needed to say them. "It was great, it was intense, you got me feeling things I never did before and it was unbelievable." She smiled and he just looked at her trying to understand. "Being there with you, I felt safe. At home. Maybe this is all too much, but I really want to be honest."

"I still don't understand what happened if you felt all of this."

"What happened was that I felt incredibly guilty for being so happy. I felt like I was cheating on Andrew and I know it's completely unfair to you because you did nothing wrong. I swear I'm trying really hard to just get over this, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I need some space. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you, I really do but I also understand if you don't want to after what I did."

"Kim, this is not about wanting to be together. I was clear from the start, this is something that I want. I think whatever it is we have is worth it if both of us are willing to work together, I know I am." He sighed because what he was about to say was as hard for him as it would be hard for her to listen to. "I also know that I can't do this anymore. I can't invest into a relationship in which you don't trust me enough to open up to me, talk to me and work things out, together. That's what I want Kim. An us. And even though I never went through something as horrible as you did, I try so hard to support you and understand you because I too know what it's like to lose someone, I know what it's like to feel guilty, I feel like that every day when I look at Grace and it eats me." Kim was beginning to cry, he hated that he was causing that, but this was a conversation that they needed to have. He grabbed his hands between his. "Everything that I said on Saturday, I meant every word and I don't intend to walk away from you. But maybe we should put this on hold. I can't compete with Andrew's memory, I know how important he is to you and I get that and I know that's never going to change, but I don't want to push you if you're not ready. As much as this is hurting me right now, I think it's for the best."

"I do trust you, it's just that I'm scared of losing you with all my crap. I don't want to lose you. I can't." He wiped the tears on her face with his thumbs and hugged her to his chest pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

"You won't, I promise. It's not like I can stay away from you anyway. But we need to respect the fact that maybe we're not ready for this. When you feel like you can truly count on me, when you finally understand that I'll never judge you and that all I want to do is protect you and walk with you as you heal your soul. When you're ready for that let me know." She was sobbing against his chest and he just cradled her in her arms as he felt tears of his own rolling down his cheeks.

He wanted her more than anything. What he felt for her was something that he couldn't quite describe because he never felt anything like that for a woman, not even his former girlfriends.

He was in love with her and he wanted a relationship with her, there was no question about that, but he couldn't do that if they weren't ready, he couldn't do that if it meant crushing his heart every time she wouldn't trust him.