Hey everyone!
Hope you enjoy this little update!
Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read.
Xoxo,
Nina
After tidying up the place together, Kim got two glasses and some white wine when Adam went to the balcony with the excuse to clean out the grill.
When she turned to look at him, she sighed at the view. He was leaning against the balcony's rail and staring at the skyline of that beautiful warm and starry night. It reminded her of the night she finally told him
that she remembered him and their relationship.
"Hope I'm not interrupting your thoughts." She paused to look at the sky. "You know I'm happy we didn't eat out here, I feel like this is our little haven."
Her voice made him turn around, giving her a shy smile. "This place most definitely is, and you're not interrupting. However, I would love to know why those two glasses."
"Well, we're celebrating."
"Oh, we are?"
"Uh huh." Kim nodded as she walked closer to him and extended the glass towards him. "Here's to our first successful family gathering."
Adam laughed and clicked his glass with hers. "Cheers to that."
"It was good, right? Everyone seemed to get along fine." The brunette said, finally shaking off her worries.
"It was great."
"Gracie was besotted by Zoe. Did you see her?"
"I did. It was pretty darn cute. And Zoe, that kept up with her, that girl deserves a prize." Adam joked.
"I think she was enjoying being the older one for a change." Kim stood next to her boyfriend and imitated his position. "She told me how she found it adorable that Gracie called me aunt and I reminded her she used to call Andrew uncle as well, I guess little kids make that leap faster." Adam's heart shrunk a little, missing Kim's point in that comment. "The thing is, she asked me if she should refer to you as uncle Adam and I told her that it was her choice, but that what we have going on is real and that you were going to be around our lives for as long as you wanted, so it was pretty safe to say that you're her uncle Adam. I hope you don't think I overstepped, I should have probably talked to you before." She confessed shyly, but the lack of response wasn't exactly what she was expecting. "Babe, are you mad?"
"Kim, do you feel like you're settling for me?" He answered with another question which took Kim aback.
"What?" She shifted her body so that all of her was facing him.
"What you heard." He turned to see her and felt bad to find hints of pain and confusion in her eyes.
"No." She said quickly and confused. "Is coming from what I said about Zoe and Andrew? That's not what I meant at all."
"It's not only that." Adam shook his head and kept talking. There was no way of avoiding this conversation now. "John mentioned something today."
"What was that?"
"Something about you saying you didn't want to fall in love again." He took a deep breath. "I'm not doubting you, I'm just worried that you might be just running along with me and you're not really fulfilling your heart."
"Adam." Her voice was a mix of pain and anger and all that sentiment was weighing on him. "My boyfriend had just died, of course I would say stuff like that and I probably meant it at the time." She wiped the tear that rolled down her cheek. "I was grieving, and it took me a while to move on from that, and you know it; but I did." She put her glass down, not even wanting to finish it. "Just for the record, I'm not settling for you. I love you deeply and fiercely and everything I want for my life and future includes you. I just hate that I don't seem to be showing you that." She backed away defeated. "I'm
going to sleep. It was a big night for me." The brunette sounded exhausted, disappointed and hurt.
His hand on her forearm and his broken voice tried to stop her. "No, Kim. Wait." He tried pulling her to him but this time she was offering resistance, and although he didn't want to force her into anything, he also didn't want her to go to bed feeling like that, without at least explaining himself.
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong Adam. Now it's Andrew, a few days ago it was the accident and no matter what I tell you, you always seem to think I don't want you or something."
"Kim, I'm sorry. It's not you at all, you're doing nothing wrong."
"Then what is it?" Her eyes were pleading for an answer and he knew better than to avoid this question.
"I don't know. I guess I'm just insecure. This is so good, so wonderful, I can't help but to think that at some point it'll fade, that it's way more than what I deserve."
"We've talked about this. I've told you just how important you are to me."
"I know, Belle." He looked down and understood that the only way to move forward was to open up, to share a part of his life that he had never really shared with anyone before. "I don't think I ever told you this, but when I was ten, my mom and pops split up." He had her full attention and she didn't have to say anything for him to realize that, as he felt her muscles relax he just knew. "I guess Kit and I saw it coming, they would fight a lot and they weren't really happy together. She didn't understand his life and his love for the job and pops, well, I don't know if he ever really tried to show her how important it was for him or if he took the time to know what was important for her for that matter. All I know is that both of them did the best they could to take care of Kit and I." He tucked a strand of hair behind Kim's ear as a way to control his nerves and she just stood there letting him open up his heart to her. "The thing is that after they split, she kind of walked out on us."
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry."
"At the beginning we didn't think much of it, we thought that maybe she was too busy at work or something. But as time went by and the situation didn't improve we realized that that was how our life was going to be from then on. Pops did all he could to shield us from that, to try to make things better, but I guess what he couldn't do was wipe off the idea that I wasn't valuable enough for my mom."
"Babe." Kim was still hurting, only now the feeling had shifted and she was feeling bad for him. She understood where all his doubts and insecurities were coming from. "You do know that your mom acted like that because of her and her own issues. Not because of you."
"Yeah." He shrugged. "It's just hard for me, I see all the nice things around me and it's like I'm just waiting for them to fade away. As if I didn't deserve what's happening."
"Well, why don't you look at it the other way around?" He looked at her confused, waiting for a little more insight. "You've been through enough crap already. Why not think that this is your time to have everything you deserve? Because you deserve to be happy, baby. And I am not planning on fading away anytime soon." Her hand cupped his cheek trying to give him a little comfort. "I love you, Adam. I really do. I hope you know that."
He didn't answer, he just wrapped his arms around her feeling like a complete asshole. "I know you do. I'm sorry I made you feel like I doubted that."
"Well, you did piss me off. I was about to leave, but I didn't want to be so dramatic." She laughed, which made him smile too. "I don't want us to be one of those couples who do that, you know? I want us to try to work our stuff out and as cheesy as it sounds, I like the "not going to bed mad at each other rule"". She used air quotes as she mentioned the agreement.
"We never did that, we never really had a big argument either, just that one time after the gala."
"I know. I remember." She looked down, as she remained comfortably standing in his embrace. "I take full responsibility for that." Adam was about to speak but she silenced him, placing her index finger over his lips. "It's true. I didn't handle things well. But I think we moved past that and I learned a lot from that. What I'm trying to say is that we have an amazing, mature and loving relationship and I don't think that will change because it's just so natural."
"It is. You're totally right. I have no idea why this is bubbling out now. I guess I have to work on slaying my demons."
"I'm right here to slay them with you, just like I know you are right here with me always." Her words were soft and comforting. "Babe, have you ever thought about contacting your mom? Talk to her and maybe get some answers?"
"She contacts us every now and then. I mean she knows about Grace, sends her presents for the holidays and her birthday. I guess Kit has a more civil relationship with her."
"And what happened when she tried to reach you?"
"We never talk about anything real. I guess I'm afraid to hear what she has to say."
"I don't know hun, but maybe getting candid with her helps. And who knows, perhaps Kit would like a chat too and you can do it together."
"Yeah, I don't know." He wasn't too sure about it.
"Or it could be only you, I can go with you if that would make you feel better." He chuckled, finding her suggestion very sweet. "I don't want you to think I'm pushing you to do this, all I want is for you to be fully happy and sometimes to do that we need to face some ghosts." She began to play with the collar of his shirt. "This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but when I decided that I wanted to commit to what I was feeling for you, when I realized that this is what I wanted, I had no choice but to face my grief to allow myself to move on from that, so that I could enjoy every single aspect of us. Am I making any sense?"
"Yes. You are." He kissed her forehead. "Boy, am I glad you did that." They both laughed lightly, and the silence hugged both of them as they remained quiet. Kim simply enjoyed the closeness and Adam was thinking about a million things a second, but being with her eased his mind. "I'll think about it."
"Ok. You do what you think it's best. For the time being don't stress about whether you're enough for me or not. I'll decide that and trust me when I say that there's no way on earth I'm staying in a relationship out of guilt or pity. Is that clear, detective?"
He chuckled. "That teacher voice is scary."
"I didn't hear you answer."
His smile was broader now. "Crystal, Ms. B."
"Good." She reached for her glass again with the intention of finishing her drink. "I think I want some more of this."
"Want me to bring the bottle out or do you want to head back in?"
"Hmmm, I think I want to stay here for a bit longer."
Adam smiled and nodded before heading back inside.
A few minutes later, the brunette saw how the lights coming from the living room were shut off and as the sliding door opened the lights of the balcony were off as well. "I figured that a darker surrounding would let us enjoy the night sky more."
"Hot and smart, but most importantly, knows exactly what I want. Detective Ruzek, you do know you are turning me into a spoiled brat, right?"
"It's not spoiling…" He started to answer, as we walked towards her and grabbed her glass to refill it and then do the same with his own.
"It's pampering."
"It's pampering."
They both said at the same time and laughed about it.
"Look at you remembering little details I don't even recall that much."
"The things that made an impression on me came back quicker. So, a lot of things involving you are right here." She pointed to her temple. "As vivid as ever."
"So, pineapple pizza made an impression on you?" He joked and sat next to her, draping an arm around her shoulders.
"Not that, silly. Although I must say I'm surprised that's her favorite."
"Don't get me started on that. It took us all by surprise, but her taste buds like it and if it gets her to eat fruit then who am I to object?." Kim chuckled.
"That's probably what made an impression on me. The way you are with her. How you protect her and pamper her."
"Is there any other way to behave around a child?"
"Well, when you have a heart as big as yours then there is no other way."
"I have a normal heart."
"Nah Uh." She shook her head and tilted it to let it rest on his shoulder. "You have the most amazing heart I've come across. Our future kids, the ones that Gracie draws in our family portraits of the future, are going to be very lucky to have you as a dad."
"You think?"
"I know."
"They'll have the most amazing mom. That's for sure."
The brunette blushed a little, just before taking the last sip of her glass. "So… I need your help to decide something."
"What's that?" He asked, turning his face to give his girlfriend all his attention.
"It's a beautiful night…" Kim was stalling and he could read her like an open book.
"It is."
"I'm torn between staying out here and enjoying the view or going back inside and getting some practice before we actually decide to make those beans." Her eyes were sparkling and her smile was wide, melting his insides completely.
"Hmm. I think we don't have to compromise tonight." He pecked higher lips and spoke again. "I'll be right back."
The detective disappeared leaving Kim on the balcony enjoying the warm weather and the beautiful starry sky. She heard noises coming from the living room and when she tried to come in and check on her boyfriend, she was asked to stay outside, he even lowered the shades of the sliding door preventing her from getting a peak of what was going on inside. She laughed at his eagerness and did as instructed.
"I hope this lives up to your expectations." His voice finally made itself present.
He invited her in, and that's when she saw that he had moved the couch back and covered the floor with blankets and some cushions, he had even lit a couple of candles which shyly illuminated the room.
"This looks nice." She said as she looked around the room. "And improvised."
"I figured that if we leave the lights off and the shades open, then we could have the best of both worlds." Adam offered shyly.
"I like that plan." Kim answered softly as she got closer to him, placing her hands on his chest. "I like you."
"I like you, too."
Kim smiled and didn't wait any longer to capture his lips in hers.
It was going to be an interesting night.