Callie sat at a back table in Joe's, facing the door so she could see Meredith when she came in. While sipping on her Diet Coke, she tried to remember how long it had been since they'd gotten together for a burger and drinks. It had to be before Penny came into the picture. She let out a sigh when she thought about the young resident. They'd been broken up for two weeks now and she wasn't sure what bothered her more, the guilt she felt every time she saw the sadness on the other woman's face, or the guilt she felt over not being sad or missing her ex-girlfriend in the least. When she thought about it though, it only confirmed for her that she was only in that relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Hearing the bell above the door, Callie looked up, smiled when she saw her friend and waved her over.
When Meredith reached the table, Callie studied her closely and noticed she'd been a little off recently. She lifted her hand up, caught Joe's attention, pointed to Meredith and held up two fingers. When the blonde finally sat down, Callie asked, "What's been going on with you?" Meredith looked up, saw Joe standing next to them with two shots, slammed them both, looked at him and ordered, "Just bring the bottle please." Callie muttered, "Oh boy," then lifted her half empty glass to the bartender, realizing one of them should stay sober. Meredith looked up and blurted, "I had a cheeseburger." Callie furrowed her brow and asked, "Then why did you ask me to meet you for dinner and drinks?" Meredith shook her head and emphasized, "No, I had a cheeseburger. The first one…since Derek." Callie's eyes went wide as she instantly recalled that during her 30 day break with Arizona their codeword for sex used to be cheeseburger, then she gasped and asked, "Uh…how was it?" Meredith tilted her head and replied, "Different, he fell asleep and I woke up screaming and kicked him out of the house then called in sick that day and deep cleaned my house." Callie truly felt for her friend, though the image in her mind was a little funny, she could tell Meredith was feeling like shit about the whole thing.
Knowing the general surgeon wasn't one to really talk about her feelings, Callie asked, "Uh, do you want to talk about it?" Meredith shook her head, though her words betrayed her and she declared, "I felt like I was cheating. It's been nearly two years; he's been gone for nearly two years and I felt like I was cheating on my dead husband." Callie opened her mouth to say something and Meredith commanded, "Don't you dare tell me he would want me to move on and be happy. I've heard enough of that shit." Callie furrowed her brow and asked, "Do you not believe he would want you to be happy?" Meredith sighed, rubbed her face, and asked, "Who says I'm not happy? I have my kids, my work, my family, my friends. Why does everyone think you need another person in your life to be happy? Derek made me happy; he was my person." Callie took a drink of her pop, laughed ruefully and replied, "You're asking the wrong person about that one." Meredith smiled at Joe when he brought over the bottle and a fresh glass of Diet Coke and asked, "You ladies having the usual?" Both women nodded and he disappeared behind the bar.
Meredith poured herself another shot and replied, "Well, I guess that's true." She tilted her head and asked, "How did you do it?" Callie arched her brow and asked, "Do what?" The blonde huffed and snapped, "Move on…start dating after Arizona?" Callie laughed sarcastically and replied, "Well, for one, Arizona didn't die." Meredith pursed her lips, unimpressed by the answer, and stared at her friend, waiting for a real answer. Callie sighed, blew out a deep breath and asked, "Do you want to know the truth?" Meredith took another shot, shook her head at the burn and answered, "Yes please." Callie looked down into the brown liquid in front of her and admitted, "I'm just starting to figure this out, but I think I did it because I'm me. I mean, that's what I do right? When have you ever known me to be alone?" Meredith studied her friend for a minute and asked, "Is this a trick question?" Callie laughed ruefully and replied, "I wish it were, but see, you can't answer that because I haven't been. I left my wife to be free and to find myself and focus on my work, but instead, I gave myself a year to stop hurting and started dating again, put myself right back into a situation where I was tethered to another person." Meredith nodded, she already knew this, saw the pattern and wondered if her friend realized she really hadn't stopped hurting and just used dating to mask the pain.
Instead of going down that road, she asked, "Is that why you two broke up?" Callie snorted, then blinked and replied, "I don't know, I mean sort of I guess. She told me she loved me." Meredith looked at her in confusion and Callie added, "I said, 'thank you'." Meredith threw her head back and howled in laughter then sobered and declared, "I'd have kicked your ass to the curb too." Callie shook her head and corrected, "I broke it off. She said she'd wait for me to get to the same place and honestly Mer, I don't know when or if I'd ever get to that place. Not with her." Meredith tilted her head and offered, "I thought you'd have said it a long time ago, so this actually kind of surprises me." Callie sighed, nodded her head and responded, "Arizona once told me I fell in love with the idea of being in love. I mean, let's face it, that's what I did with George and maybe that's what I was trying to do with Penny, but…" The blonde prodded, "But what?" Callie sighed, rubbed her hand down her face and answered, "That's before I knew what love was. That's before I knew how high it could make you feel, how exhilarating it was, how all consuming it could be. That's before I knew losing it could crush your spirit and make you feel like you wanted to die." Meredith nodded in understanding.
Both women sat back when their food arrived and quietly ate for a few minutes. Meredith popped a fry in her mouth and asked, "So what are you going to do now?" Callie finished chewing her cheeseburger, took a drink, wiped her face, sighed, and replied, "I think I need to do what I should have done from the beginning. I mean, I walked out on Arizona because I felt like I was losing myself and right now, I don't feel any closer to that person. I just, I need to take some time and I need to find the Callie I was before Africa and car accidents and plane crashes and cheating and just…all of it."
Meredith took a bite of her burger so she wouldn't speak too quickly and allowed herself to think about what she wanted to say for a minute. She swallowed, took a drink of her water and asked, "What if you don't do that?" Callie pulled her head back, furrowed her brows and asked, "What?" The other surgeon took a deep breath and replied, "Cal, you know I love you, but I'm going to be brutally honest with you for a few minutes." Callie knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to hear, but maybe this was what she needed. Maybe she needed to be smacked in the face with a few truths so she could figure out where she needed to start. Seeing her friend nod, the blonde started, "I've known you for quite a while and one thing I know about you is you like to stick to the status quo. You aren't good with change. I mean honestly, we would all like to go back to that time before Africa and car accidents and plane crashes because it would mean there would be no shooting, Mark and Lexie would still be alive, Arizona would still have two legs, Derek would still be alive, and all of us would have a hell of a lot less trauma. But we can't go back because none of us are those people anymore. All of those events changed who we are, how we look at things, and there have been times in the past few years that I've seen you try to cling to that, try to push forward like these things didn't happen and I've just wanted to shake the hell out of you. Pretending something didn't happen, doesn't mean it didn't happen and it doesn't mean the rest of us can pretend."
Callie looked at her friend and while her words hurt, she knew they were true. She was trying to find a person who didn't exist anymore and in doing that she…closing her eyes, she said, "I did that to Arizona. I expected her to be the same perky person she always was just minus the leg. I think I even said that to her once." Meredith groaned and responded, "Please tell me you didn't." Callie bit her bottom lip and replied, "I wish I could." The general surgeon looked at her friend and declared, "I'm going to tell you something else and I know it's going to hurt, but she was right Cal, you weren't there. Yes, you suffered because of it, but you weren't on that mountain with us. I mean, other than losing my sister, I walked away with very few injuries, but the mental trauma, it changed us all."
Callie wanted to ask more questions but she knew that topic was off-limits. Before she could say she was well aware of the fact that it changed them, Meredith continued, "We woke up to her screams. I still do. She does too…and Cristina. We spent four days trying to keep each other awake and alive. Derek, Christina and I, we could still get around, so we put Mark with Arizona and she had to keep pounding on his chest and slapping him to keep him alive and the whole time she had a PE and none of us even knew it. She had to have known Callie, she was coughing up blood, but didn't say anything. She didn't complain about her fucking leg one time other than that first day when she laughed about being married to an orthopedic surgeon and staring at her bones. But Mark, she would tell him he had to stay awake and he had to go back to his daughter. That's all she talked about was you and Sofia, Callie. Once we got off that mountain, everyone wanted to live life as normal and our lives weren't normal anymore. Christina went catatonic, Mark died, Arizona lost her leg, a whole fucking leg. The girl who never walked anywhere, she always bounced, skipped, hopped, or rolled wherever she went, couldn't even walk and you wanted to keep moving forward. So, part of me feels like she did what she always does and just kept her mouth shut through her pain to try to make you happy."
Callie took a deep breath; she didn't know if she wanted to walk out in anger or break down in tears. Either way, it was only because she knew there was truth in every single word her friend said. Meredith waited for Callie to start yelling at her, she'd endured her wrath before and would again, but she hoped what she was about to say next would help. "My whole point here Callie, is stop looking backward, stop pushing forward. Just stay right here in the moment and figure out who you are now. That Callie from eight years ago is long gone, she's a mom now, she owns a hospital, she's created artificial cartilage and robotic limbs. Be that person. Enjoy watching your child grow up, be the badass surgeon you are, you can find those pieces of joy, you can dance in your underwear, you can do all the things you used to do that made you happy and feel confident. But you need to understand that it's okay to allow yourself to feel the pain and embrace the change. My suggestion to you is during this time, let yourself feel the pain…not the anger. You have a tendency to turn your pain into anger and lash out. Just, let yourself mourn your losses, let yourself grieve, let yourself cry. Until you do though, you aren't going to be any good to yourself or your daughter and you won't be happy with anyone."
Callie stirred her straw around in her drink feeling like a child who had been properly chastised and asked, "When will I know I've done that?" Meredith shook her head and replied, "I don't know. It took me a year of running and having a baby." Callie snorted and replied, "I feel like I've been running a lot longer than that." The blonde responded, "You have. Now you just have to figure out what you're running from and where you're running to. So, be still for a while. It's okay to be alone. You're a great person Callie, you should get to know yourself better." Callie laughed, bit into her cold food and asked, "So now that you've solved my problem. How can I help you feel better?" Meredith smiled at her friend and answered, "You just did. The old Callie wouldn't have asked." Callie flipped her off and the two women sat together for a while longer and caught up with each other's lives.
XXXX
Callie pulled into Arizona's driveway with her heart much heavier than she expected it to be after dinner with her friend. Meredith's words cut her to the core and as she replayed them in her mind on the way over, she'd found herself fighting back tears. She learned some things about Arizona, their time on the mountain she never knew, that alone was enough to break her heart, but she also learned how other's perceived her through that time and at other times throughout her life and that was a real eye-opener for her. She knew these things about herself, some of them, but never realized until tonight how much of an impact they had on others. How much of an impact they had on her marriage. Sighing, she held her phone in her hand and thought about sending a text message to her ex-wife and asking her to just send their daughter out. She knew Arizona could read her like a book and right now she was feeling extremely vulnerable. Since her breakup with Penny and their confrontation in the x-ray room, they really hadn't seen much of each other. She knew the blonde had been avoiding her as much as possible, probably worried she'd ask if they could talk again. Honestly, she wasn't sure she was ready for that yet.
Getting out of her car, Callie could hear the loud Disney music playing from halfway up the driveway. When she got closer, she caught a glimpse of her ex-wife and her daughter dancing around the living room, both of them singing as loud as they could, extremely off-key, to whatever song was playing at the moment. Knowing they wouldn't hear the doorbell, she knocked a little harder on the door than normal, saw her daughter's face pop out through the sheer curtain and laughed as she hollered, "Mama's here!" She heard the music cut off and when the door opened, she was greeted with two red-faced, out of breath smiling faces. Arizona stepped back to let her in while Sofia attached herself to her legs, stepped on her feet, and laughed as Callie walked them both into the house. Arizona smiled at the interaction that was apparently a thing they did now, looked to her daughter, wiped the sweaty strands of hair from her face and suggested, "Why don't you go grab a cold drink of water, wash up, then get your things. Don't forget to grab your homework folder from the table." Sofia nodded and ran off toward the kitchen until she heard her mommy clear her throat, then started walking. Callie found herself rather impressed by how it only took a clearing of her throat to get their daughter to do what she knew she should have been doing in the first place.
Arizona saw that Callie was just standing awkwardly in the front door and asked, "Um, it's going to take her a minute, do you want some coffee or water or something?" Surprised by the invitation, Callie smiled and replied, "If you happen to have some coffee, I wouldn't say no." Arizona started walking toward the kitchen, laughed and asked, "When do I not have coffee?" Callie didn't know how to answer that question. She didn't know anything about her ex-wife's life anymore and was just slightly surprised by the stabbing in her chest at that realization. Following the blonde toward the kitchen, Callie looked around the house and couldn't help but notice the pictures on the wall. Again, she found herself surprised when she saw several pictures of Mark holding Sofia; Mark, Arizona, and herself holding a baby Sofia; she and Arizona with Sofia at various points in her life and couldn't help but wonder if they were there for their daughter's benefit or for the blonde's.
Arizona poured two cups of coffee and without thinking, prepared both cups with cream and sugar just like they each preferred and carried them to the small breakfast nook. She looked up to see Callie looking around at everything and wondered for a brief moment if her ex-wife were scrutinizing her home when the painful truth hit her and she realized this was the first time the ortho surgeon had been further than the front door. When Callie finally made it to the kitchen and sat across from her, Arizona slid her cup to her like she had so many times before. Both women sipped their coffee, secretly hating how uncomfortable sharing a cup of coffee was when it used to be one of their favorite things to do. They'd wake up in the morning, make coffee, sit and talk about their upcoming day, and just connect with one another before the rest of the world woke up.
Looking over the rim of her cup, Arizona could see something in Callie's eyes that she couldn't quite figure out. She'd assumed she was asked to keep their daughter a little longer today so Callie could go on a date, so she was rather surprised both by how early it was and by her appearance since she was just wearing a pair of old jeans and a sweater. Callie put down her cup and offered, "Thanks for keeping Sof a little longer, I mean, I know it's not a hardship for you and you love your time together, I just, I made plans…" Arizona held up her hand and Callie could see the flash of pain in those gorgeous blue eyes before it was masked again and the blonde cut her off saying, "There's no need to explain Callie, in fact, I'd rather just…um, be kept out of the loop, unless you know, Sofia is involved." Callie furrowed her brows and wondered what her ex-wife meant until she heard her tone and recalled the look she just saw and was quick to correct, "Oh no, no. I wasn't on a date. I made plans to have dinner with Mer and um, kind of forgot I told you I'd pick her up this afternoon." Arizona didn't know why that made her feel better, that was a lie, she knew exactly why it made her feel better and hated herself for it, nodded her head and responded, "I, um, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed."
Thrown off by the apology, Callie took another drink of her coffee, and decided to be honest with her ex-wife. She smiled ruefully and explained, "I, uh, I don't think I will be dating for a while. I need, I need to do what I said and just…I need to take some time for me. I need to…" She ran her hands through her long black curls and muttered, "God this is hard." Arizona tilted her head in question. What little she'd seen of Callie in the past couple of weeks, she'd noticed these slight little differences. But every time it was just the two of them, Callie seemed almost afraid to say what she was thinking which was very rare. Putting down her cup, knowing she was entering into dangerous territory, the blonde asked, "What is it Callie?" Callie shook her head and blurted, "I left because I said I needed to find myself and I never did that and now I'm just…I'm in the same place Arizona. I'm the same person I was two years ago." Arizona blinked and shook her head as if she didn't really hear her ex correctly, she knew that already, but she didn't know Callie knew that.
Not able to sit there any longer, Callie started pacing and continued, "I mean, I left…I said I needed to find myself, that you needed to, that we needed to be happy separately and love ourselves and…and you've done that and I'm…I haven't. I just…I just kept pushing. I always push. Mer said it, you said it, I never listened, but it's true. I just push and push and…and I don't even know what I'm pushing for!" She threw up her hands in frustration. Frustration for feeling the way she felt and frustration for just having spilled all of this out to Arizona. She turned around expecting to see her ex-wife glaring at her, angry for dumping all of this out, hurt that she didn't even do what she claimed to be the reason for destroying their marriage. Instead, she watched as Arizona sat back in her chair, calmly lifted her cup to her mouth, took a long drink, put it back on the table, and finally replied, "Now we can meet and start talking things through, Sof has a playdate at Mer's at noon tomorrow. You can come by after you drop her off." She then got up, walked out of the kitchen and went to get her daughter leaving Callie standing alone once again wondering what the hell just happened.
After seeing her daughter and ex-wife out, Arizona closed the door and sagged against it wondering what in the world she was thinking. Pushing herself up, she walked into the kitchen to tidy up a bit. It wasn't dirty except for the half drank cups of coffee, but she felt the need to clean or do something. As she poured out the cups, she noticed Callie's red lipstick stain on the side of the one she was using and closed her eyes as she remembered how those lips felt against hers. Shaking her head, she cleared the image from her mind, knowing she was doing nothing but punishing herself and allowing herself to think like that would only open her up to more pain. She knew it was time for them to talk and clear the air as Callie put it, she just didn't want to. At some point, all of the pain, all of the reasons they fell apart in the first place were going to come up and though the wounds were sealed and some of them healed, they were still painful to think about. She scoffed as she thought about the fact that she and Callie never 'discussed' anything. They yelled and screamed thinking that would make them heard, but it did nothing but escalate the conflict. Letting out a deep breath, she rinsed the cups, put them in the dishwasher, turned it on, and went into the living room.
Once she sat down, she took off her prosthetic and rubbed at her swollen residual limb. She loved dancing and playing with her daughter, but she knew she would pay for it at the end of the day. One thing she learned from Nicole and Ginnie was to be grateful that she had that time with her daughter, to be thankful there was an end of the day for her. Sighing, she laid down on the sofa, closed her eyes and thought about all of the things that needed to be said, at least on her part, and wondered if she had the courage to say them. She had absolutely no idea where Callie was right now and it sounded like she didn't either. Now that she thought about it, maybe this wasn't the best time to have this conversation. Then again, maybe it was the perfect time and that's why she suggested it. Callie seemed to be looking for answers and even though it may be painful on both of their parts, she could help provide them. Lifting her hands to her face, Arizona let out a deep growl and wondered what the fuck tomorrow would bring.
XXXX
After hearing all about Sofia's week with her mommy, Callie was finally able to get her daughter settled down enough to read her a story and get her to fall asleep. Though it did take a little longer when she used the voices, she realized that it brought her joy to hear her daughter's laughter and these were the little things she should be focusing on. Quietly closing the door behind her, Callie walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa. She couldn't believe she agreed to meet with Arizona to start talking things through. She knew she was the one who initiated it, but part of her thought her ex-wife would never really follow through. Now that she did, she had no idea where to start. She also wondered what exactly it was she said that prompted Arizona to offer the invitation to her. It felt at the time like it came out of the blue, but Arizona wasn't that type of person. Arizona needed a reason to do something. Closing her eyes, she tried to recall what was happening when her ex extended the invitation and groaned when she realized she had just finished her rant about being in the same place she was two years ago and not following through. Why now though, what about those particular words made Arizona change her mind about meeting with her? Did she already recognize this? Was Arizona just waiting for her to admit it?
Callie rubbed her eyes and tried to recall something Meredith said, at the time she said it, it struck a chord and she knew she wanted to come back to it and put together the pieces that started floating around in her mind, but now she couldn't figure it out. She replayed as much of the conversation as she could and when she got to that particular part: So part of me feels like she did what she always does and just kept her mouth shut through her pain to try to make you happy. She let the words linger for a minute until all the pieces, all the other memories clicked into place. The first time they ever broke up, Arizona said she just wanted Callie to be happy and she couldn't give her what she wanted, which at the time was a baby. Then in the airport, she closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat as she recalled her girlfriend's words, you stay here and be happy. Then her words from just a couple of weeks ago rang through loud and clear, You left so you could be happy! I cry every night because I am not that person for you anymore. You don't want me to be that person anymore. That's all I want for you Callie. I want you to be happy. I owe you that much after crushing your spirit. It felt like Arizona just kept letting her go so she could be happy.
Callie could feel the hot tears running down her face, how could she have missed something so obvious that other people who barely knew Arizona saw? Every time Arizona left, she said she wanted Callie to be happy and it was because she felt she was the one holding her back, the one crushing her spirit, refusing to have a baby, wanting to go to Africa, not following her out of the therapist's office, it was all because Arizona felt like she owed her the chance to be happy and never realized she was the one who made her the happiest…oh fuck. Callie sighed when she realized she had also thrown all of those things in her ex-wife's face, repeatedly, only seeing what she wanted to see, that she was left, that Arizona walked out…so she could be happy and it destroyed her every time, then she turned around and did the same damn thing only to find out her ex-wife wasn't happy at all and she herself didn't even look for her own happiness within herself. Callie wanted to slap herself in the face and was now really dreading their conversation. She snorted knowing it wasn't going to be a conversation at all, it was going to be a yelling match until she either walked out or got kicked out. A big part of her wanted to cancel, but the logical, bigger part of her was telling her it had to happen at some point. Sighing, she got off the couch and decided to try to get some sleep. If nothing else, tomorrow was going to be extremely emotional.
A/N: Will the first showdown happen or will both women back out?