At 5:42 pm, Callie and Sofia approached the NICU to find Arizona sitting in front of the tiny baby's incubator with her eyes closed. Callie smiled when she saw the scene before her and couldn't begin to count how many times she'd found her ex-wife in the same position either here or in the nursery. Sofia looked up to her mama and asked, "Is she asleep? Should we wake her up?" Callie debated for a minute and knew Arizona wouldn't eat if she didn't eat now and replied, "Yeah, I think mommy needs to eat a hot meal if she's going to be here all night." Not wanting to startle the blonde or the babies by knocking on the window, Callie carried the food and drinks to the nurses' station, set them on the counter, quietly walked into the NICU, gowned up and approached her ex-wife. Tapping her on the shoulder, she whispered, "Arizona, wake up. We brought you dinner." Arizona blinked her eyes a couple of times to focus, then a couple more, trying to remember what Callie was doing there, then nodded and whispered, "Oh, oh, right, dinner." She smiled and stood up to follow the taller woman out of the room, both of them discarding their gowns as they left.
As soon as they closed the glass door, Sofia wrapped her arms around Arizona's legs and exclaimed, "Mommy, we brought food. Can we eat with you?" Arizona looked up at Callie to make sure it was alright, saw her nod and answered, "Of course you can. How about we go to my office?" Callie picked up the food and drinks, then laughed when Arizona immediately grabbed her shake, took the lid off, not bothering with a straw, and took a huge drink. Sofia took Arizona's hand and the trio made their way to the fetal surgeon's office. Once they got inside, Callie doled out the food; chicken strips and fries for Sofia, and burgers and fries for her and Arizona. When she handed Arizona her food, the blonde looked at it curiously and Callie supplied, "I had them put your wrapper inside out so we wouldn't confuse them." Still slightly puzzled, Arizona unwrapped her burger, took off the top bun and smiled when she saw that there was no onion or mustard, just the way she liked it. Since they had already determined neither had forgotten the eating habits of the other, she decided not to comment and simply said, "Thank you, I really appreciate this." Callie smiled in return, taking a bite of her own burger. When she took a drink of her pop, she happened to look up into those cerulean blue eyes that always captivated her and didn't realize until that moment that her offer of bringing back dinner for her ex-wife would also bring back so many memories.
Just as it did during lunch, conversation flowed freely. Callie shared stories about the rest of her day, Sofia told more tales about daycare, and Arizona updated them about the baby and an upcoming case she had. Callie laughed when Arizona dipped her fry in Sofia's barbecue sauce and the little girl scowled at her and accused, "You always do that!" Callie muttered under her breath, "Dipping habits," earning her a scowl of her own. Sofia asked, "Why can't you use ketchup like normal people?" Callie replied in a higher pitched tone, mimicking Arizona, "Because ketchup is only for hotdogs and hamburgers. Fries are different textures and have different tastes and they each need a different sauce." Sofia giggled and declared, "You sounded just like mommy." Arizona crossed her arms over her chest and whined, "I do not sound like that!" Both brunette's stared at her and her lip twitched as she tried not to smile then conceded, "Okay, maybe just a little." Sofia laughed and proclaimed, "You guys are funny together."
Both women looked at one another and their smiles faded just a little as they recalled that they once were funny together and they had a lot of good times before all the pain and the hurt and everything else got in the way. It was also then that both of them realized that they missed this, the easy banter, the laughter, and they had a lot more talking to do before they could get to that point where these things didn't happen anymore. Just like they talked about Saturday, where they were having a good conversation then something came up that reminded them why they no longer had those talks, why they no longer had lunch or dinner together. Before they could think about it too long, Sofia proclaimed, "Oh mommy!" Arizona turned her attention back to her daughter and returned, "Oh Sofia!" The little girl giggled and declared, "Mama and I were thinking that maybe we could get ice cream together before she drops me off Friday." Arizona smirked, knowing it was more Sofia's doing than Callie's, looked up to her ex-wife, and asked, "You and mama were thinking that huh?" Callie nodded and answered, "We thought it would be a fun way to end the week. The weather is getting warmer, maybe we could go to the park." Slightly surprised that Callie had actually put thought into it, Arizona smiled and said, "That sounds like fun." Both women laughed when Sofia clapped and did a little dance in her seat.
A few minutes later, Arizona looked at the clock and declared, "I should let you two get going, it's almost bath time for you little miss. We got a text from your school today and the water leak is all fixed, so your little break is over." Sofia clapped again and exclaimed, "Yay!" Callie laughed, started cleaning up, and without even thinking, tenderly asked, "You'll get some sleep before your next shift?" Touched that Callie asked and more than a little surprised by her tone, Arizona smiled genuinely and replied, "I will, Karev comes in at 5:00 am and my shift doesn't start until 10:30 am, I'll probably come in here and sleep on the sofa." Callie nodded and responded, "Good, that's good."
When Callie opened the door, Sofia gave her mommy a hug and started to skip down the hallway. Callie stayed for a minute longer and at the same time, Arizona asked, "Can we talk…" Callie asked, "Do you think we could…" both of them started laughing and Callie offered, "You go first." Arizona nodded and inferred, "I think we were going to say the same thing, but I was wondering if maybe we could talk again soon." Callie nodded and answered, "Yeah, we were going to say the same thing. I'd like that. Why don't you send me some times when you'll be available and I'll do the same." Arizona nodded in agreement and both stood awkwardly for a minute before Sofia called out, "Come on mama." Callie pointed her thumb behind her and said, "I'd better get to Miss Impatient." Arizona smirked and pondered, "Gee, I wonder where she gets that from." Callie's face sobered and she replied flatly, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Arizona laughed, pushed her out the door and ordered, "Go. Thanks for dinner."
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Early Thursday morning, after Callie dropped Sofia off at school, she sat in the waiting room of the therapist Meredith recommended to her. After her talk with Arizona Saturday and sitting with her thoughts the rest of the weekend, she decided to call Monday and fortunately he had a cancellation and was able to get her in today. But now that she was there, she was debating whether or not she made the right decision. She kept looking at her phone, watching the minutes tick by, her leg was bouncing up and down furiously, and she just knew if she bit her lip any harder, she would draw blood. Just when she was about to change her mind and cancel her appointment, the door opened and an older gentleman, wearing a black suit and a red tie, with white hair, invited, "Dr. Torres, come on back."
Callie followed the man to his office, noticed he had a desk near the corner, two oversized chairs in the middle of the room, and a matching sofa against the wall. He smiled at her and offered, "Please, sit anywhere you'd like." Callie walked to one of the chairs, sat down, and her leg immediately started bouncing again. The man sat across from her and introduced, "I'm Dr. Walter Carr. You can call me Dr. Carr, Walter, Walt, whatever makes you feel most comfortable." Callie smiled and replied, "Thank you. Call me Callie please." The man nodded and asked, "Do you mind if I record our sessions? For my own purposes of course." Callie shook her head and answered, "I don't mind." The doctor put a small recorder between them, pushed the red button, then asked, "What brings you in today Callie?" Taking a deep breath, Callie thought about all the things that have happened in the last few weeks, the things that have been occupying most of her thoughts, and responded, "I really don't even know where to start."
Dr. Carr looked at the woman across from him and suggested, "Let's start with why you are so nervous." Callie swallowed thickly, closed her eyes for a moment while the painful memory washed over her, looked up at the older man with the welcoming presence, and answered, "The last time I was in a therapist's office, I walked out on my wife after being together for 6 years and I…I was just so angry and closed off and I'm not sure if this time will be any different." The older man nodded and asked, "Did you want to go to therapy with your wife?" Callie shook her head and replied, "No, I went for her." Dr. Carr leaned forward, rested his arms on his knees and asked, "Did anyone make you come today?" Callie furrowed her brows in confusion, shook her head, and responded, "No, I mean, my friend suggested you, but…I'm the one who made the decision." The therapist smiled and replied, "Then as long as you are open and honest with me, it will be different and hopefully you will find the answers you are looking for. So I'll ask again, why are you here today Callie?"
Callie took a deep breath and admitted, "When I left Arizona, my ex-wife, I told her I felt suffocated and I didn't want her to be stuck with someone who felt stuck. I wanted to be free and I wanted her to be free. I told her I was losing myself in trying to heal us and I just needed to love myself, to find myself again. I realized not too long ago though, that I never did that. I gave myself time to heal from the breakup, but not the things that broke us, then I just threw myself right back into dating. I went on a few dates, then I started dating this one woman seriously and without even realizing it, I was in a committed relationship again. It's not just this time though, looking back, I realized that I've always followed this same pattern and I can't seem to break the cycle. I just…I still feel stuck." Dr. Carr sat back and asked, "So, being in this new relationship, is that why you feel stuck?" Callie thought about it for a moment and replied, "No, I ended it with her. Well in a way I guess, right before that is when I realized, I never did what I said I was going to do. I never found myself, I never let myself be free, I never changed the things about me that helped my relationship with my wife fall apart. I mean, I didn't even acknowledge that any of it was my fault until just recently." The therapist studied the woman in front of him and wondered if she realized some of the things she was telling him about herself. She already knew why she felt stuck, she just didn't know how to fix it.
After saying all of that, Callie was slightly surprised by how easily it all just flowed from her mouth and how much lighter she felt by letting it all out. She looked up at the therapist and could see that he was thinking and knew his next question was going to be much harder. Still processing everything the younger woman said, Dr. Carr couldn't help but hold onto one phrase, and noted, "Callie, you said you never did the things you were going to do; you never changed the things about you that helped your relationship with your wife fall apart." In that moment, Callie knew what his next question was going to be, steeled herself for it, started thinking about her response to it, and nodded her head. Leaning forward again, he asked, "Callie, can you describe for me the things you want to change or think need to be changed about yourself?" Knowing this was coming, Callie rubbed her hands over her face and replied, "It's a lot." The doctor nodded and answered, "You may think so right now, but it doesn't mean we have to tackle it all in one day."
Callie stood up then, walked to the window, she wasn't sure she could look at anyone while admitting all of her faults and revealed, "I can be really self-centered, so focused on my own needs and wants that I don't even consider anyone else's feelings. I'm impulsive, I make spur of the moment decisions and if I am with someone, most of the time, I don't include them in that process. When I am angry, I lash out, I deflect, I turn the argument around in my favor by hitting the other person where it hurts the most. I have a tendency to keep bringing up past mistakes. I'll say I forgive the person, but the minute I have the chance, I throw those things back in their face, even if it happened years ago and it hasn't happened since then. I push people too hard, I push and push, most of the time so I can get what I want or need, so I can cling to the norm, to what's comfortable. I am holding onto a part of me that no longer exists, to a past that was happier, when things were better."
She turned around then, looked at him and explained, "I think that's part of the reason I feel so stuck. I am looking for that person inside of me, that woman from eight years ago who felt so strong and was just…I don't know, happy. But she doesn't exist anymore. So much has happened." The older man crossed his legs, looked at her curiously and asked, "What's happened Callie?" Leaning against the window sill, Callie closed her eyes and tried to recall everything she and Arizona had been through and stated, "We went through a shooting where I work, Arizona broke up with me in an airport to go to Africa, when she came back, I was pregnant with my best friend's baby, we got back together and got into a car accident and our baby and I almost died, a year after we were married, she got into a plane crash and I had to make the decision to cut off her leg, she had a miscarriage, she cheated on me, we got back together, but things were never the same, we talked about having another baby and she took on a whole new specialty and put that before our family and everything was just so much. We tried couple's therapy and I was so closed off, I just, I didn't listen, I fought the whole thing and I walked out."
It was in that moment that Dr. Carr realized who this friend was that recommended him, their stories were very similar, and now he had a better understanding of how to develop a treatment plan for his new patient. He stood up, poured them both a glass of water and stated, "It sounds like you are pretty self-aware to me." Callie took the offered glass, took a drink, followed him back to her chair and responded, "The thing is, I wasn't, not until a few weeks ago, and now that I am, I don't know what to do with all of that." The older man sat down, took a drink of his own water and asked, "What is your ultimate goal here? What do you hope to gain?" Callie sighed and thought about her answer for a minute, finally she decided, "I want to be a better person for my daughter. Something Arizona, my ex-wife, said to me the other day really resonated with me. She said I needed to stop running, I needed to find the strong, confident, capable, badass part of me again, that our daughter deserves to know that part of her mother. She said I'm not the only one who misses that person. So I want to be better for Sofia, but I want to be better for Arizona and for the people who love me, for my friends, for my patients." By this time, Callie was crying and the older man offered her the box of Kleenex that was sitting between them.
As the therapist studied his new patient, he noticed that she brought up her ex-wife quite frequently and aside from her daughter, Arizona was the first person she mentioned that she wanted to be better for. While he fully intended to delve deeper into that area, he figured the woman may have had enough for today, especially if she was already skittish about seeing therapists. He linked his fingers together, steepled his forefingers and held his hands to his lips before suggesting, "I think that's a good goal. If you'd like to continue to meet with me, I'd like to give you a little bit of homework." Callie took a deep breath and realized how much better she felt after getting some of this off her chest and no one judged her or gave her their opinions or more things to fix. She nodded and replied, "I think I would like to give it a try." Dr. Carr smiled and answered, "Good, that's what I like to hear. So, since you mentioned your impulsivity and your tendency to lash out, the first part of your homework is to stop, think about what has been said to you, count to ten if you need to, then respond, do not react. The second part of your homework is to write at least five steps you could follow to reach your ultimate goal of becoming a better person." Callie smiled and replied, "The first one might be hard, but I'll try, the second one I can definitely do." The older man laughed and stated, "I guess that's all I can ask for now. I'll see you next week." Callie nodded and left the office.
Once she was in her car, she gave herself a moment to just think about her appointment with Dr. Carr, to replay everything in her mind. Some of the things she said, were a compilation of conversations she'd had with Meredith and Arizona, some were realizations she'd come to because of them, but once she put them all together, heard them come out of her own mouth all at once, she truly started to understand that she played a bigger role in the downfall of their marriage than she was willing to admit before. Some of the things she said today, were some of the things Arizona tried to say to her in couple's therapy and she wouldn't listen, she just cut her off and turned the argument around. She used her own words against her. She closed her eyes and recalled bringing up Africa and the fact that Arizona didn't even want children while their three year old daughter was sitting at home and how angry Arizona got at her, how she yelled at her about saying that. Then she remembered her words from just a few days ago, Things I felt in my late twenties about having a family, after my daughter, whom I love more than anyone in this world, is born were thrown in my face, and suddenly she felt nothing but shame. Shame and a deeper understanding of how those words, those words and her actions drove a bigger wedge between them. When she looked up, her vision was blurry and though she thought her heart would feel heavier after those thoughts, it felt lighter because she knew it was something she needed to make right. Something she could make amends for. Taking out her phone, she pulled up her notes, typed out, '1. Keep the past in the past.' She knew that would be hard for her, but was determined to work on it because she also knew it was one of her biggest faults, especially where Arizona was concerned.
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Friday afternoon, Callie picked Sofia up from her afterschool art class and noticed the disappointment on her face immediately as she asked, "Where's mommy? I thought we were going to get ice cream." Callie smiled and answered, "We are. She had a meeting with someone about that tiny little baby, then she will come straight to the park afterward. She might even beat us there if we don't get a move on." The little girl's smile lit up her face and Callie was surprised when she found herself being jerked forward as her daughter called out, "Come on, hurry. We can't keep mommy waiting." Callie laughed at Sofia's exuberance and felt more than a little guilty that she and Arizona deprived their daughter of this for the past two years.
Just as she predicted, Arizona was indeed waiting at the park for them when they arrived and Callie pulled up next to her. All three of them got out of their cars and Sofia ran straight to Arizona and jumped in her arms. Callie bit her tongue before she called out to her daughter to be careful, not wanting to start a fight or make things uncomfortable right away and was surprised by the ease with which the blonde scooped up their daughter and carried her on her hip. Arizona kissed Sofia's little tan cheek and asked, "How was school?" Sofia smiled, looked at both of her mommies and exclaimed, "I was waiting to tell you together, a man brought in a big giant snake called a bostricker and we all got to touch it. I was scared at first till my teacher promised to hold my hand and it felt really weird." Callie looked at Arizona and they bit back their laughter as Callie asked, "A boa constrictor?" Sofia huffed and replied, "That's what I said, a bostricker!" Arizona sucked her lips between her teeth and her eyes sparkled with laughter. Callie briefly wondered when she last saw that look on her ex-wife's face and quickly shook the thought from her mind.
As they walked a little further, Sofia slithered down her mommy's body and started skipping ahead of them. Callie asked, "How did the meeting go?" Arizona sighed and replied, "As well as it could, I guess. I mean, I wasn't expecting much more than the usual, 'It's going to be hard finding parents who want to adopt a child who could possibly have health issues or mental delays for the rest of their lives.' It just irritates the shit out of me. I know they have to be completely honest and lay out all of the possibilities. I just don't understand some of these prospective parents. If you want to be a parent so badly and your only choice is to adopt, you don't pick and choose. Parents don't always get the perfect child. You don't have control over who your kid is going to be or what health issues they will have. I mean, what if we did that with Sofia? What were we going to do, just say, nope, we don't want that one and send her back? Put her up for adoption? Let her die? I mean she had heart surgery and had far more complications and had the same risks and look at her now. She's just…she's amazing and so, so smart, and healthy, and funny, and beautiful. You love your child no matter what! If you can't do that, you don't deserve to be a fucking parent." Arizona finished her rant, realized everything she said and held her breath, waiting for some sort of snarky comment about her never wanting to be a mom in the first place.
Callie listened to how passionately Arizona spoke about being a parent, not just being a parent, but what being a parent meant to her, what Sofia meant to her. She once said she wasn't cut out to be a mom, but from day one, from the moment she said she was in, Callie realized now, Arizona meant she was all in, for life, and the fact that she ever questioned that just brought that shame she felt the day before rising to the forefront along with the bile churning in her stomach. She knew she had to address it, but this was neither the time nor the place. Instead, she bumped her hip against the blonde's and teased, "Tell me how you really feel." Flabbergasted by the teasing tone as well as the response, Arizona laughed, pushed her arm and retorted, "Oh shut up." Callie looked up and saw that they were right across from the ice cream shop and suggested, "I'll run across the street and grab the ice cream if you want to take little miss over to the playground." Arizona nodded and replied, "Sounds good to me." Callie started to veer off, turned around and asked, "The usual?" Arizona smiled and answered, "Always." She then turned to Sofia and declared, "Come on kiddo, let's get you over to the playground before all the swings are taken."
Arizona lifted Sofia up and sat her on the swing, retied both of her shoes in a double knot for good measure, then walked behind her and gave her a few good pushes to get her started. Sofia giggled and said, "I'm good now mommy. You can go sit down. I love you." Arizona smiled, she would never tire of hearing that and answered, "I love you too." She made her way around the swing set and walked to a nearby bench in front of the large structure so she had a good view of her daughter as well as the rest of the playground in case she decided to play elsewhere. As soon as she sat down, she smiled and waved when she saw Sofia waving at her and called out, "Hang on with both hands." She looked up when a shadow cast over her from her left and she heard, "You're really good with her. Are you her nanny? My husband and I…" She was cut off abruptly by another voice, a much harsher voice responding, "No she's not her damn nanny, she's her mother!" Arizona looked up to see Callie gripping the bag from the ice cream store so tightly her knuckles were white. She then looked at the other woman, who looked horrified and apologized, "I'm sorry, I just thought, I mean…" she looked at Sofia then back at Arizona and her implication was clear to both women.
Callie's nostrils flared in anger and Arizona knew whatever was coming wasn't going to be good. She lifted her hand to cover the clenched tan hand and tried to soothe, "Callie it's okay." Callie looked down at Arizona and replied, "No, no it's not okay Arizona." She then looked at the other woman and spat out, "You thought because they look different they couldn't possibly be related? You don't need to look like your child to be their mother. This woman loves that little girl with every fiber of her being, she is the one who brought her to life, she sat by her bedside day and night, she feeds her, clothes her, reads her bedtime stories, makes sure she does her homework, scares the monsters from under her bed, holds her when she cries, kisses her boo-boos, makes her laugh when she's sad, and protects her at all costs. That's what makes her a mother, not the color of her skin or the blood running through her veins. Now if you don't mind, kindly get the fuck out of my face." Without needing to be asked twice, the woman scurried away while Arizona sat shocked by everything her ex-wife just said.
Callie put the bag down next to Arizona, started pacing in front of her, muttering, "I can't believe that woman. What the fuck was that? I mean, what gives her the right…why would you approach a perfect stranger and just assume…" She then turned to Arizona and saw her sitting there calmly, just looking at her, and became irritated at her ex-wife and asked, "How are you not angry? Why didn't you go off on her? How can you just sit there so calmly?" Arizona sighed, closed her eyes, and admitted quietly, "Because I'm used to it Callie. I've been dealing with it since before Sofia was born and I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be dealing with it for the rest of my life." Callie furrowed her brows, she instantly took that as an attack on her then decided to do what she was told and stopped, gave herself a few seconds to think about her response and realized if Arizona meant her, she would have said it was her and there was far too much pain in her eyes and in her voice for it to be just her. Arizona watched as the anger filled Callie's eyes, she opened her mouth to say something, snapped it shut then stood there speechless as if she were thinking about what she wanted to say. She then saw the anger and tension drain from her ex-wife's body as she sat at the other end of the bench, turned to look at her with eyes full of confusion and concern and asked, "What, um, what do you mean by that? Besides me, who else made you feel like that?"
Arizona's eyes widened by both the question and the fact that Callie took responsibility for her part in making her feel that way, glanced over to see their daughter running toward them and though she knew this conversation was going to be hard and never wanted to have it, she blew out a breath and offered, "I'll tell you, I promise." She glanced toward Sofia, then finished, "But not here, not now. If you, um if you want to come over, have dinner with us, or maybe after her bedtime, we can talk then. Let's just let Sofia enjoy this time with both of us okay?" Callie looked at their approaching daughter, smiled at the excited expression on her face and the joy in her eyes and agreed, "Okay, yeah. You're right. Look how happy she is." Just then Sofia made it to the bench and quickly opened the bag with the slightly melted ice cream, having no idea of the turmoil both of her mothers felt churning within.
A/N: First, thank you all for the amazing reviews. I truly appreciate your response to this story. Also, thank you to the guest reviewer who suggested the idea of the conversation about the argument with Mark on the day Sofia was born and it coming up at a park or grocery store. I was absolutely going to put it in, but I didn't want to do it the way I did it in my other story, nor the way I'd seen it done in so many other stories where it was someone other than Arizona herself telling Callie.
I don't think I've mentioned this, but obviously, everything belongs to Shonda, this is just what I would have like to see happen on the show.