Arizona sat on the floor, her arms firmly wrapped around Callie, her heartbreaking words spoken in such a shattered tone, one so uncharacteristic of the boisterous brunette, still lingering in the air, nearly burning her ears. How did you not hate me? She buried her nose in Callie's hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her tropical shampoo and conditioner, closed her eyes and willed the tears not to fall as she realized exactly how much their conversation from the night before had affected her ex-wife. This is exactly what she had feared. Callie was spiraling. Opening her eyes once again, Arizona scanned the piles of photos that served as a timeline of their life together and when her eyes landed on a particular photo, the two of them walking into the hospital, hand in hand, laughing while looking at one another with so much love in their eyes, her answer to the haunting question was so clear. In fact, it was extremely simple, yet so incredibly complex at the same time. She'd wanted to hate Callie and maybe had good reason at times, just like she had given the other woman reason to hate her. But she'd learned long ago, from the moment she gave her heart away, possibly from the moment their lips first touched, there were two things she knew for certain, the first was she could never hate Callie Torres and the second being she would never stop loving her.
When Arizona remained silent, Callie felt her stomach start to churn with fear and that ever present emotion she was still unwilling to face. She remembered on more than one occasion the blonde told her she could never hate her, but she couldn't for the life of her remember at exactly what point in their relationship she stopped hearing it and wondered if it was still true. She suddenly realized she was scared to death of the answer, she wasn't sure she could tolerate knowing that even on some level her ex-wife hated her. She knew in her own mind, deep in her heart, during the times she'd been hurt the most, she'd wanted to hate Arizona, she may have even said she did, but what she really hated was how much she still loved and wanted her during the most difficult times. Now that she'd discovered, or at least finally admitted to herself that a very large piece of her heart would always belong to Arizona, along with it came the understanding that no matter how much she wished she could at times, she would never be able to find it within herself to hate the other woman.
Trying not to fidget or show her nerves in any way, Callie closed her eyes, swallowed the lump in her throat and secretly relished being held in Arizona's arms, if even it was for the last time. Memories of the many occurrences in which she turned to Arizona in her most vulnerable moments flooded her mind and she wondered when that too stopped being a regular occurrence. So she decided she would just soak up the strength that was being offered to her, listen to the soothing words being whispered, revel in the heat enveloping her. Her contentment was short lived however, when the blonde sat back, instantly leaving her feeling cold until she felt a warm finger under her chin, guiding her face to look her ex-wife in the eyes. Her heart leapt and she nearly gasped when she saw the truth in glassy blue eyes, before she heard it spoken from plump pink lips. Arizona smiled softly but spoke confidently when she revealed, "Callie, I could never hate you. I've told you this and no matter what, it will always be true."
Seeing the expression on Arizona's face, hearing the conviction in her tone, Callie realized that she shouldn't have worried about the answer because deep in her heart, she knew the truth, for it matched her own; they were simply incapable of hating one another. Afraid to say anything for fear that she'd start crying again, Callie nodded and rested her head against Arizona's chest once more, taking comfort in the steady beating of her heart. After a few minutes of silence, Arizona couldn't help but notice that the pictures scattered on the floor, at first glance, seemed to be done so haphazardly, but were, in truth, organized in some sort of manner that looked as if it made sense to her ex-wife. Based on the amount of pictures and the number of tissues, she wondered exactly how long Callie had been sitting here torturing herself. Slowly caressing her ex-wife's back, Arizona quietly asked, "What happened Callie? When you left last night, I thought you were okay."
Callie sat up, exhaled slowly, almost painfully, ran her fingers through her hair and pulled the hair tie out of her loose ponytail, allowing her curls to bounce freely around her face and prepared to tell her ex-wife the whole ugly truth. Without looking up, she admitted, "I was…" She shook her head, scoffed, then continued, "I thought I was. I don't think, I don't think everything you said settled in yet." She looked up then, her eyes pleading, full of regret as she admitted, "I meant what I said though, I need you to know that. When I apologized, it was because I finally listened, I finally heard you, I felt your pain, and everything I said, it was straight from my heart. It wasn't just…it wasn't just words to pacify you." Arizona stared at her ex-wife in disbelief. She knew this apology was different, heartfelt, full of remorse. What she didn't expect was that Callie so much as admitted that she had done exactly that in the past and though it hurt to hear it confirmed, it also felt healing, validating, to know that she wasn't just imagining things. Nodding for Callie to continue, she saw her hands tremble as the brunette added, "But once I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about it, after seeing proof…" She spread her hands out to the scattered piles of pictures and finished, "…years and years of proof of what you were saying, how you were hurting, those words, my apology…it wasn't enough Arizona. You should, you know. You should hate me." Both women had tears welling in their eyes, threatening to fall as they stared at one another.
Arizona opened her mouth to argue, to repeat she could never hate Callie, to admit they should hate each other, to remind her ex-wife that she didn't break them on her own. She was stopped when Callie held up her finger, the simple gesture making the words get caught in her throat, keeping them from falling from her lips. Callie knew Arizona was going to argue, but she had to talk, she had to get it all out before she lost her nerve, before she hid behind the security of her excuses once again. Speaking softly, Callie pleaded, "I'm not trying not to hear what you have to say, I'll let you talk, I promise. If I don't get this out though, I'm afraid…I'm afraid I won't have the nerve to say it. I'm afraid that whatever you are about to say will give me an out and I don't want an out Arizona." The blonde stayed quiet once again, waited for her ex to gather her thoughts, say what she had to say, and hoped like hell it wouldn't cause them both more pain.
Seeing the slight fear or maybe it was trepidation in weary blue eyes, Callie sat back, created a little distance between them, rested her arms on her knees, and revealed, "When I left last night, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said, how you looked, the pain in your eyes and in your voice when you talked about everything. I wasn't there, obviously, busy dying and all…" She stopped when Arizona snorted, then continued, "But it's like I could see that argument playing in my mind, I could see it like I was there. He was so cocky and towering over you and you fought back but…there was fear in your eyes, that same look I couldn't identify yesterday. Fear that his words were true, that everyone agreed with him, that I agreed with him. Then it hit me, all the other things you said, all the examples you gave of why you didn't feel you could tell me. Every single one just played through my mind. Then they morphed, they morphed into Lexie standing in the hall, asking me if I was really gay, basically begging me to tone it down, to back off, then to the same arguments I had with Erika." She shook her head, embarrassed to admit the rest, but pushed forward, "I, when I was questioning myself…God Arizona, I went back and forth between the two of them. It's like I was trying to decide which I liked better. Fuck, I even nearly killed Grey in the locker room because I thought she told George that I slept with Mark after he slept with Izzie." She buried her face in her hands, still seeing Arizona's face, her eyes, the pain that nearly made her knees buckle, and started sobbing when she admitted, "But my thoughts always returned to you, to your face. Sometimes it was the look in your eyes when I told you I was pregnant, sometimes it was the expression on your face as you finally told me everything…I couldn't shake it. I broke down Arizona, there's this long line of people I hurt and I was too blind, too wrapped up in myself, my own…whatever, to see it. Now, you…you're the only one left to carry that burden, to feel that pain and you've carried it alone for so many years."
Arizona's position was similar to Callie's, she was seated on the floor, knees bent to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs once again to serve as a barrier or shield to protect her heart. Nothing Callie revealed was news to her. She knew it all. What was shocking was the fact that her ex-wife finally admitted to it. She had opened her eyes and realized after all this time, how truly toxic her relationship with Mark had been and how it interfered in not just their romantic lives, but in her friendships as well. That last part though, that was something she hadn't thought of. Everyone else was gone, the only people left to deal with all the fallout were her and Callie. The only person who even recognized there was ever a problem, up until now, was her and just hearing her ex-wife's words, hearing her admissions, without even knowing what truly happened today, began to soothe her aching heart, began to lift the burden.
Callie could feel something change in Arizona, maybe it was in the way her posture relaxed, her breathing became less labored as if she'd finally released the breath she was holding, maybe she was recognizing how truly remorseful she was. Whatever it was, spurred her on to continue, "I had a little meltdown last night. I didn't sleep well, all of these visions, old conversations, old arguments, everything playing through my mind. I woke up this morning, made a cup of coffee and came to the living room to try to clear my head. I knew I wanted to talk to you again. I knew I had more to say than just 'I'm sorry.'" She stopped, took a breath, reached for the framed photo that started it all and handed it to Arizona and explained, "Then I saw this. It was just hanging there and the more I stared at it, the more I became unsettled. Something wasn't right with this picture." Arizona looked at the picture which was identical to the one she had hanging in her house and couldn't help but smile when she saw how tiny her baby girl was. How happy Callie was to be home and holding their child. Then her brow furrowed in confusion when the brunette's words registered in her mind, 'something wasn't right', what wasn't right? Handing the picture back, she arched her brow in confusion and asked, "What wasn't right, Callie?" Looking down at the picture, Callie took a deep breath, she had to ask a question of her own before she answered Arizona.
Running her long tan fingers across the picture, she asked, "Why do you have this picture hanging in your house? All of the pictures you've chosen, why are they there?" Arizona exhaled slowly, closed her eyes, she wasn't expecting this question, but she had an answer prepared, she had the answer because she'd been asked many times over the course of the last two years. Looking at the picture again, she replied, "Because this is our daughter's family. Mark is her father and no matter how I feel or felt about the situation, about him, and his role in our lives, he was her father and just because he is no longer alive, doesn't mean I will relegate him to nothing. I know how that feels and I refuse to stoop so low as to do that to him, even in death. I will raise her knowing who her father was. I will tell her the parts that matter, the fact that he was a good father, he loved her, adored her, and honestly, that she changed him. She made him want to be better. I hung the pictures that I hung for Sofia, so she could know that she had a family who loved her, who cared about her, and no matter how we live our lives now, no matter that one of us is no longer alive and you and I are no longer together, we are still her family and will forever be tied together for her, to love and support her. She deserves to see how happy she made us." Arizona spoke assuredly for that was her truth. Sofia was her reason for living now and she would bend for her daughter. She would put her own pain aside, she would put her prejudices, anger, and personal feelings aside for the good of her daughter. In the end, she didn't hate Mark, she'd learned to tolerate him and eventually, she even learned to love him, he wasn't part of her dream, but she certainly didn't want him dead.
Callie stared down at the picture, glanced up to see all the framed pictures in her home. None except for that single picture contained either Mark or Arizona. All the rest were only Sofia, she'd taken down all traces of the family they once were. She'd taken them down because they hurt too much to look at day in and day out. She'd taken them down because she was trying to move on. She'd taken them down because she didn't want to be reminded of how happy she once was and now she was almost certain she would never find that happiness again. Hearing a clearing of a throat beside her, Callie looked over to see Arizona's gaze on the picture, her brow arched in question, reminding her she asked the question first. Sighing, Callie revealed, "There's been something haunting me, taunting me since last night. When I looked at this picture, it was just on the edge of my mind and I couldn't get it to come to me, so I went and got our box of pictures." Arizona nodded, though she still was unsure what this great epiphany was, what led her ex-wife to become a hysterical mess.
Arizona watched as Callie turned over all of the framed photos that used to adorn the walls of this very home. Callie meticulously laid the photos out in front of her, including the one in her hand. Arizona's breath hitched when she looked at the images she hadn't seen in so long. A large 8 by 10 of Mark, Callie, and herself on their wedding day, a picture of each of them dancing with their fathers, a couple more pictures of the three of them with Sofia, some smaller 4 by 5 prints she herself had framed of just her and Callie, or her, Callie, and Sofia. Callie held her breath, waiting for Arizona to say something, to notice what she now saw as a glaring omission, or glaring addition, she wasn't sure which. But the blonde sat silent, looking at all the pictures, replaying all the memories, even recalling the night they hung the photos and both sighed in relief because something as small as family photos being hung on the wall of their new house made it feel like home.
When Arizona didn't respond, Callie looked over to see that her ex-wife was staring at the pictures, seemingly lost in another time. What she didn't see was the hurt, the anger, the haunting look in her eyes and wondered if she was just imagining the things she herself saw in the photos when the blonde declared, "I'm sorry Callie, I'm not following here. What am I supposed to be looking at?" Callie furrowed her brow, looked at all of the pictures again, what was so painfully obvious to her now, just seemed to be lost on her ex-wife, the person who was hurt the most. Callie blew out a frustrated breath and waved her hands over the display of pictures as she commanded, "Look at these pictures Arizona. They hung in our house, in OUR HOME, the home we shared together as a married couple…and…and…" She was starting to get angrier as the words became more forceful, as she stared down at the evidence that she herself ignored for years. Picking up the smallest framed photos, she added, "This is all we have! This was our home, our life, TOGETHER, and all we have displayed of the two of us is a few tiny little pictures you added yourself after we moved here." Callie was itching to move now; she was fidgeting and her leg was twitching.
Arizona could tell how irritated Callie was getting, but she still couldn't figure out why. These were the same pictures that always hung in their house and their apartment. Callie framed and hung them herself, so she didn't understand why she was so agitated. Looking at the pictures again, trying to match them with her ex-wife's words, she finally saw it. Well at least she saw what Callie was just now seeing, she herself had seen it years ago and the pain no longer stabbed at her heart. It was just another thing she'd come to accept as part of her reality. Callie watched as the sadness flashed in Arizona's eyes, the quick unveiling of her true feelings before they were once again masked with acceptance. It hit her then. It hit like a ton of bricks falling right on her head. Arizona had no reaction to these pictures, there was no revelation for her because she already knew, she knew what these pictures showed and had accepted it a long time ago. By the time these pictures were framed and hung, Arizona had stopped fighting, Arizona had been called nothing, Arizona had already accepted the fact that she was marrying into a family, so even though it hurt her, probably killed her in some ways, she just lived in a house where she was constantly reminded that she wasn't important enough to hold her own place, to be displayed alone with her wife in a frame, in a place of importance in her own home. She looked down in her hand and saw proof of that in the small unassuming pictures Arizona had discreetly added on her own with no fanfare, no huge presentation, one day they just appeared. Now Callie wondered if Arizona ever worried that she would come home from work and they'd be gone, or she'd be questioned about them. Callie looked at all the pictures, the piles, the frames, and recognized that these weren't just photos of their past, they were the first cracks in the foundation of their life together. The bile rose in her throat once again, the anger and hatred she held for herself making her feel uncomfortable in her own skin.
Arizona didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. What could she say at this point? She'd said everything she could way back then when it could have made a difference and the rest last night when Callie finally heard what she was saying. Stirring up the courage to look into Callie's eyes, her tear-filled eyes full of guilt, remorse, regret, and lost love, Arizona's heart ached all over again. It tore at her to see Callie like this, to know that her revelations caused it. When Callie realized Arizona had nothing to say, no comment at all, she knew she was right. This was another example of Arizona swallowing her own pain to make Callie happy. Taking a deep breath, she stacked all the frames, pushed them out of the way, and pulled another pile of photos close to her and revealed, "I still couldn't figure it out. The niggling in my brain. I looked at that picture of the four of us on the day I was released from the hospital and I remembered there was another picture, one taken right before that. I started digging and I found all of these. Look at these pictures Arizona." The blonde knew exactly what picture Callie was talking about. She had the copy of that picture framed and hidden in the drawer of her nightstand at home. Taking the stack of pictures, Arizona prepared herself to be hit with an onslaught of bittersweet memories. Actually, they were all sweet memories, happy occasions, the bitterness was like an aftertaste, a reminder that those days no longer existed, that happiness was just fleeting.
Callie watched carefully as Arizona slowly went through each picture of just the two of them together. She couldn't help but notice how those full lips twitched as if they wanted to smile at the love and joy that radiated from each image. By the time the entire stack had been viewed, Arizona was smiling her dimpled smile for the love and joy she recalled feeling as each picture was captured and crying for the loss of those feelings, the yearning to turn back the clock. She quietly took the next stack of pictures Callie handed her, this time it was just her, Callie, and Sofia. This was her dream, one which came into existence because of her love for Callie. Not just because she wanted to see her happy, but because she wanted to be happy too. Callie Torres was the only person she ever saw herself settling down and having a family with and the three faces smiling back at her were proof that she once accomplished that dream and foolishly squandered it away. Her tears were flowing harder now, her own guilt eating at her from the inside out.
Arizona was broken from her thoughts, from the admission of guilt and her own apologies, by Callie's soft words, "You may not believe me, I haven't given you reason to, but this…" She tapped the stack of pictures being held in small pale hands, lifted the top photo, the one that was her favorite of Arizona holding Sofia and Callie holding both of them, and continued, "This was my dream Arizona. From the moment our lips met, I knew you were different, I knew I wanted a home and a family with you. When I told you that day in my lab that I saw us in a big house with lots of kids running around, this is what I imagined. This was my dream." She shook her head then and reached for the framed photo of the four of them. Her tears flowed freely as she admitted, "Somehow, this became our reality and I didn't, I didn't know how to change it, how to fix it. You said it was a bi dream come true, but it was a nightmare Arizona. Yes I loved Mark, but not like I loved you. I never wanted a life with Mark, I never wanted a home with Mark, I never wanted a lifetime of decisions, bottles or sippy cups, basketball or tap, Dartmouth or Berkley…Christmas mornings…with Mark. I wanted all of that with you and only you. But I fucked that up Arizona. I fucked it up in so many ways and this…" She lifted the picture of Mark standing between them at their wedding and sobbed, "This is what you ended up with. Sharing your wife, your daughter, your dream, because I was too blind, too self-centered, too scared, to change it." Callie heard the sobs, felt the pain pouring from Arizona. She didn't know if she said the right thing or the wrong thing. If her ex-wife was crying because her words hurt her more or if her words were those that she finally longed to hear.
Without waiting for a response, still clamoring to get everything out, Callie picked up the 12 by 18 photo of the two of them at their wedding. They clung to one another, the smiles on their faces so big, so genuine, they looked painful, the brightness, the joy, the happiness, and the love in their eyes exuding from the image, making you want to smile just seeing it. Staring at the picture, tracing it with her finger like she did earlier, she murmured, "This is the picture that made me see it. This is what made everything click." Arizona took a deep breath, closed her eyes before she looked closely at that picture. She knew what she would see. She would see every dream she never had coming to life. Finally forcing herself to look, she couldn't contain the smile. Callie looked so beautiful, they both did, but the way Callie looked at her that day, the way she loved her that night, it made all of her fears subside if for just a little while. She knew Callie loved her, she never doubted it, she just always felt Callie loved Mark more. In a soft gentle voice, she asked, "What clicked?" Callie sighed, picked up the last pile of photos, the most painful images, and handed them over, declaring, "The niggling feeling, your words, your pain, all of it." Arizona looked down at the last stack of pictures. She almost didn't want to reach for them. She knew what she was going to see and didn't want the reminders fresh in her head.
Callie saw her hesitancy and understood then, that like the framed photos, Arizona already knew what she was going to see. She was going to see the same thing she always saw and didn't want to relive those feelings of loneliness, feelings she surely saw as rejection. Putting the pictures down, Callie explained, "Last night, when you were talking to me, there were times that I would look in your eyes and I could see the sadness, but there was something else, there was this…I don't know, this LOOK, this emotion I couldn't describe, I couldn't read it and it frightened me, it broke my heart, it haunted me. I can always read your eyes Arizona, even now. This look though, I couldn't read it, I couldn't understand it. Not until I started digging through these pictures. Here, in our wedding picture, the one that should have been framed and hanging in our home, here in these pictures with just me, you, and our daughter, and here with just the two of us, your eyes are full of light, joy, love, happiness…so, so, much love and happiness." She picked up the pile of pictures with Mark, then the wedding photo with Mark, then the family photo with Mark, and pointed to the same blue eyes and her voice broke when she proclaimed, "In every one of these pictures, your mouth is smiling, but your eyes…your eyes have the same look in them that I saw yesterday. I remember thinking last night that I'd never seen that look before, but I felt like it was taunting me because every time I closed my eyes, I still saw it. When I saw this picture this morning, that's what it was and it took me all of this…" She spread her arms open wide and finished, "It took me all of this to see that I've seen the look. I know the look. I've seen it over and over again and I ignored it, I overlooked it, I pretended it wasn't there…or maybe, maybe I didn't see it. I don't know. But I know that look, I understand it now, I know the emotion behind it."
Arizona swallowed the lump in her throat, all of this, everything was just so surreal to her and her emotions were all over the place. Her heart was aching, it was breaking for Callie, but it was bleeding for the loss of the love that was so clearly shared between the two women in those photos. Her mind was reeling from Callie's revelations, her proclamations that she never wanted Mark to be a part of her dream, that she even repeated her own words back to her. But mostly, she was feeling…well she wasn't sure what the feeling was, because while her heart was most certainly hurting, there was something spreading through her that she couldn't quite explain. It was almost like when you are freezing, feeling as if you will never be warm again, then you take that first drink of something hot and your insides start to melt, the cold starts to subside and you feel as if you might just find relief for your aching bones and muscles that were tense and on edge from fighting off the cold for so long. Though she knew what that look was, she knew what she was feeling each time a picture was taken or how badly she ached when she told Callie about her deepest secret the night before, she timidly asked, "What is the look Callie? What is it you think you see?"
Much to her surprise, Callie reached into the front pocket of her hoodie, pulled out another photo, handed it over and answered confidently, "It's heartbreak, fear of rejection, and a feeling that the love you feel isn't returned by the one you love." Reaching out a shaky hand, Arizona took the picture, looked down at the trio and had the same realization as her ex-wife. She could have been looking at her own situation, but in this scenario, Callie was the one with that look in her eyes. Callie was the one feeling the pain that she herself endured for so many years. Tears sprang to her eyes once again. It was ridiculous to even her that she felt sorry for the young woman in that picture. The irony was almost too much to bear. Arizona knew the story, knew how heartbroken Callie was when George cheated on her, knew that her own betrayal, the breaking of their vows, almost destroyed her wife and it did destroy their marriage. She remembered once upon a time hating the man, wondering how on earth he could cheat on this amazing, beautiful, sexy woman. Until…she sighed, looked at the picture again and realized she was no better. She was just like him…stupid and weak, had always assumed Callie saw her as being just like George. She actually waited for the accusations and would deserve them and would face them head on this time without lame excuses and empty words, but the whispered words she would hear next, completely threw her off guard. Callie stared at the pile of pictures that were now turned face down so Arizona wouldn't have to look at them and whispered, "I was George." With that, she broke into a fit of sobs, started rocking back and forth and just kept repeating, "I'm sorry Arizona, I'm so sorry." Arizona dropped the photo, instantly scooted closer to Callie and once again pulled her into her arms, rocking with her, whispering in her ear, "No, no, you're not George, you're nothing like him. Shhh, calm down sweetie, shhh, settle down."
Callie didn't know why, but it bothered her that Arizona was trying to soothe her, that she was defending her even after all this. Needing space, she stood up and started pacing, not noticing the broken expression on the blonde's face as she declared, "I am though. I'm worse. Don't you see Arizona? I did the same thing. I kept turning to Mark, I used the same damn excuses that used to break me, 'Izzie's my best friend, she was there for me.' 'Mark's always been there, he's my best friend.' I died a little more inside every time he said it. They hadn't even slept together yet. You knew, you knew Mark and I had slept together before, you told me it bothered you, you even tried to like him, you went out to dinner with him, you did all of that for me." She turned with her hands on her hips, staring Arizona down and exclaimed, "You know what sucks? What really fucking sucks is both of our fears came true. He slept with Izzie, he knew my fears and he took off, got drunk and slept with her. I did the same fucking thing. My heart was broken because you left, but instead of chasing you, instead of fighting for you, I got drunk and slept with Mark. The biggest fucking differences there were George didn't knock Izzie up and I didn't go back to him. But you…you came back for me and I was pregnant Arizona and you still took me back!" Arizona sat on the floor blinking in disbelief. She wasn't sure if Callie's anger was directed at her for coming back and fighting for her or at herself for doing what she did.
Needing to be on equal footing, Arizona awkwardly climbed up off the floor with the help of the sofa behind her, stood up, put her hands in her pockets and waited to see what Callie had to say next. Running her hands through her hair, Callie continued, "Oh and not only that, when we had our engagement dinner to meet each other's families, fucking Mark was there. I didn't even invite him Arizona! He just showed up. He referred to our parents as his in-laws! I let him. I fucking let him be there. I didn't scold him, I didn't argue. I let him fucking stay. I didn't…I didn't even get the fact that your dad kept calling him the donor until last night. Then it occurred to me at some point today that he truly believed Mark was just the donor. You didn't tell your parents did you?" Arizona's head was spinning. When Callie said she thought about everything, she wasn't fucking kidding. This was the last thing she thought would come up. She stared at Callie, red-faced, tears streaming down her bronze cheeks, chest heaving, and hated herself in that very moment for thinking how beautiful she looked when she was angry. She opened her mouth to answer the question and croaked out, "N-no, I didn't tell them how Sofia was conceived." Callie threw her hands in the air and kept pacing.
Arizona waited to be yelled at for that, waited to hear how she was ashamed of their daughter, how she was the one who left and it was her fault. She waited for it, hung her head, not wanting to see the hurt and the anger. She was surprised when two bare feet appeared in her line of vision, nearly touching the toes of her shoes. Her skin tingled when Callie's hand lifted her chin and her face was brought up to look into dark-chocolate eyes full of understanding and Callie calmly inferred, "Because you didn't want them to hate me. You didn't want them to think badly about me. You didn't want them to question why you were still with me, question how I could say I loved you and turn around and do that not even a month after you left." Arizona closed her eyes as the tears flowed down her cheeks and her only response was a curt nod. It was true. Callie murmured, "Open your eyes Arizona. Tell me." Arizona wiped her cheeks, she could feel Callie's warm breath on her face, her fingers still holding her chin. She took a shuddering breath and sighed, "I told my parents that we had talked about having a baby, which was true. But I told them that we had tried just before we left for Africa and thought it didn't work. I told them you were going to come with me and the whole truth about how I left you in the airport and I…my dad…he always expected me to keep my commitments, no matter what. I just couldn't stay there without you. I shouldn't have gone. But instead of telling them that I quit my job, that I found something far more important and couldn't live without you and came back because I missed you so much only to find out you had slept with Mark and were pregnant, I told them I came back when I found out it was a false negative and we were having a baby. I told them Mark was the donor." Callie whispered, "You protected me." Arizona shook her head and argued, "I protected both of us. But yes Callie, I wanted my parents to love you like I did. I wanted them to love Sofia and see her as my daughter too. I knew if they knew the truth, they…they would think…"
Callie pulled Arizona into her arms, closed her eyes at the sensation of how their bodies fit together and sighed, "You were afraid they would think you were nothing to Sofia as well." Arizona's body started shaking and she nodded her head into Callie's shoulder in response. The two of them stood holding one another, crying, wondering how they managed to fuck up a love that was so strong, so unyielding. When they finally settled down, another thought occurred to Callie and she pulled back enough so she could see Arizona's face, held her by the shoulders and claimed, "There's something I still don't understand though." Arizona furrowed her brow in question, nodded to Callie to continue, and watched as her ex-wife tried to form her question. She could tell she was trying to phrase it in a way that wouldn't seem accusatory.
After thinking about how fiercely Arizona fought to be seen as Sofia's mother, to the point of deceiving her own parents, Callie thought about the one thing that hasn't sat right with her since that day Sofia got hurt. Finally hoping to get an answer, a real answer, Callie asked, "You've always fought so hard for your place in our daughter's life, but I don't understand how you could…you said you were okay with Penny meeting Sofia. I don't…why? How? I have to be honest here, if the situation were reversed, even without the fears you have about being seen as Sofia's mother, I just…I can't say I would be okay with our daughter meeting your girlfriend." Arizona knew this was coming and tried to laugh it off at first by answering, "Well, that's something you won't have to worry about for a while." Callie knew Arizona was still avoiding the question, but the answer she did give made her feel something in the pit of her stomach. She felt relief that Arizona wasn't seeing anyone, or at least anyone significant enough to meet their child, but she also felt dread that she may be seeing someone at all, or that the day would come when she did meet someone she wanted to introduce to their daughter. Deciding to ignore those feelings for now, she scolded, "You didn't answer the question Arizona." The blonde sighed, stepped back, ran her fingers through her hair and decided it was time to be truthful about this too.
Taking a deep breath, she admitted, "Of course I wasn't okay with it Callie. I already told you; the whole situation was painful and uncomfortable for me. I get that I will be, or have been replaced in your heart, you deserve that, but the thought of someone else coming into my daughter's life and taking my place in her heart, it just…it destroys me to even give voice to it. I mean, let's be honest here, I was just the girlfriend once too. I took that motherly role; I claimed Sofia as mine from the day I first heard her heartbeat. But that doesn't negate the fact that I wasn't her intended other parent, as much as it pains me to say. So what's to stop someone else from coming into her life and falling head over heels in love with her and trying to take on that role in my place?" Callie's jaw dropped in shock and her heart clenched with pain at the blonde's words. They were raw and honest and cut her to the core and it bothered the fuck out of her that Arizona thought she could be replaced in her heart. She took a deep breath to pull herself together and realized she'd done nothing to make her think she couldn't. In fact, her every action made it look like she already had been replaced. But hearing Arizona say she was never Sofia's intended other parent, hearing that there was a piece of her that believed it herself made her angry and she immediately shot back, "You were! You were always her mother Arizona. Don't you get it? I didn't want a family without you. I didn't fu…I wasn't with him to have a baby. I was with him to dull the fucking pain. The minute I found out I was pregnant, even thought I was, I cried, I literally broke down. Then I walked into the hall and you were moving back into our apartment and I blew up on you because I knew…I knew the minute you found out what I did, I would lose you forever and the only thing I wanted to do was raise this baby with you. You are her mother; you are my co-parent. That's why…that's why I had such a hard time and never even told Sofia about Penny. I didn't…" She trailed off then, it was too soon for her to admit what she saw in her little soccer scenario. It may always be too soon, or maybe too late. So she just stopped mid-sentence.
Arizona ran her hand down her face, she knew what she just said wasn't fair, especially after what Callie said earlier about her dream, about how she envisioned their family only being the two of them and their child. The blonde bent down, picked up the picture of their little family Callie used as an example and quietly said, "I'm sorry, that was unfair of me. It was my insecurities coming back up. I'm afraid that there will always be this piece of me that questions my place in our daughter's life Callie. I know I've adopted her. I know my name is on her birth certificate. I know in my heart who I am to her and I know Sofia knows who I am." Callie reached out and held the edge of the picture, but didn't remove it from Arizona's hand. She looked down at the three smiling faces and stated clearly, confidently, and without room for discussion, "I know who you are. I know you are her mother. I know that neither of us would ever allow anyone to come into our lives and try to negate the fact that we are her mothers. I know that neither of us would let the other be replaced." Arizona looked into Callie's eyes and saw nothing but the truth staring back at her and for the first time in Sofia's life, she finally felt secure in the fact that she was her mother.
In a surprising move, Callie reached for Arizona's hand, still keeping eye contact, and ushered her to the sofa. Turning to face one another, Callie started, "I know I said this yesterday, but I need you to hear it now. I need you to understand…" She stopped, swallowed the lump that was beginning to form in her throat, looked down at all the images of them staring back up at her, shook her head and decided to just let the tears fall this time as she declared, "I understand now how much damage my…I see now how dysfunctional Mark and I were. I see how our codependence, our inability to fully let go…to not rely on the security of the other, truly hurt you and our relationship." She wiped her eyes though it did nothing to clear her vision and admitted, "Looking at these pictures today, I see where the breakdown started. I see my part in it." She sniffed, took the tissue Arizona handed her and laughed ruefully as they both wiped their eyes, then continued, "I can't apologize enough for the pain, the insecurity you felt about how much I loved you or about your place in Sofia's life. There are no more excuses Arizona. You were right, I should have turned to you, I should have trusted in you, I should have set boundaries, most importantly, I should have shown you each and every day that I would have chosen you, because whether you believe it or not, I would have Arizona. It…you…what we had, it's what I'd searched for my whole life and I would have chosen you." They were both sobbing now and fell into each other's arms, clinging tightly.
Arizona pulled Callie tight and cried harder than she remembered crying in quite some time. Even since they started their talks. All she ever wanted to hear was that Callie would choose her and here they were, two years after their divorce, two years after Callie had decidedly not chosen her, she was hearing it for the first time. If words could be so healing and destructive at the same time, it was the words her ex-wife had just spoken. Callie's sobs were born of guilt, she knew, could almost feel the thoughts swirling in Arizona's head. Here she was saying the words Arizona wanted and needed to hear for so long, but now…it was entirely too late. Yes, she knew in her heart for certain she would have chosen Arizona over Mark, she recognized her actions never reflected that, but she knew it was painful to both of them that it took her so long to come to this realization. That after they were no longer together for her to tell her ex-wife she would have chosen her after walking out on her almost seems like a cruelty. Closing her eyes, she pulled Arizona even closer, rubbed her back to calm the both of them, to ground them. As they sat there for God only knows how long, holding one another, the thought returned to Callie, the thought she'd been trying to tamp down for weeks now, that maybe, just maybe, if she got her shit together, it wouldn't be too late to choose Arizona again.
XXXX
Callie walked into the living room carrying two glasses of ice water, handed one to Arizona and sighed as she sat down beside her. Arizona took the glass, murmured, "Thank you," and drank nearly half of it down in one long drink. Callie laughed and commented, "At the rate we're going, we are going to need to start bringing IV bags to these talks." Arizona snorted and replied, "We've most certainly shed a lot of tears." Callie took a long drink of her own water, sat it on the coffee table, pulled her leg underneath her, and responded genuinely, "I feel like it's been worth it though. I mean, to me, It's been cathartic. Hard as fuck to get through these conversations, but so, so liberating." Arizona turned to look at Callie, tilted her head as she processed her words and realized she was right. Nodding, she agreed, "I think liberating is a good word for it. I feel like we…I have been carrying this weight, this extra baggage around and each time we talk about something, it gets lighter, I feel more free." Callie smiled and added, "We, not I, you were right the first time, I've been carrying the same baggage Arizona. Not even realizing some of it, like…I mean it's no secret I didn't recognized this as a problem, I didn't know everything you went through and carried all on your own, but I feel like after having these talks yesterday and today, I can breathe easier. It's almost like I was carrying this unknown weight around and it finally has a name, the name is guilt, but…I feel more free too." Arizona took another drink of her water, set it on the coffee table next to the box of photos and responded, "I'm glad you feel better and thank you."
Callie furrowed her brow in confusion and asked, "Why are you thanking me?" Arizona picked up another stack of pictures off the floor and glanced through them as she replied, "Because you trusted me enough to call me today. Because you didn't keep everything inside and shared your pain with me. Because you could have just decided that we had our talk, you apologized and nothing more needed to be said. You didn't though, you heard me, you reflected, you weren't satisfied with your own apology and you showed me, truly showed me your regret and remorse. While I hate and I mean I hate seeing you hurt, I also feel it is necessary for healing and we are doing it the healthy way this time." The brunette also picked up a stack of photos, scanning through them while she thought about Arizona's words, realized she was right, and answered, "I was going to wait to talk to my therapist, but…I felt like this is something you and I needed to discuss. You were right, I needed you to see and understand how sorry I am, how much I truly took what you said to heart. I just, I really am…" Arizona held up her finger and declared, "Second rule, we apologize one time. Once that apology is accepted, sincerely, that's the end of it. If you really need to talk more about it, I am happy to listen. But you apologized Callie and I appreciate that more than you will ever know and I accept your apology as honest and from your heart. I see the regret and remorse you felt and I know you meant it. You don't have to keep saying you're sorry."
Callie couldn't believe her ears. This isn't how they worked. They held onto the pain and kept bringing it up until it nearly destroyed them. Tilting her head, Callie asked incredulously, "That's it? I'm just forgiven?" Arizona studied her ex-wife, sighed, and answered, "I am going to be completely honest here and tell you that I never expected us to have this conversation. In truth, I just…I never expected us to talk about any of this again. So, in order for me to heal, I had to find my own closure. I accepted the fact that there would be some pain and insecurities I always carried with me about Mark and about Sofia. Our talks are helping me heal that pain, erase those insecurities and to understand your side of things better than I did before. You weren't the only one focused on your own pain Callie. You weren't the only one who said and did things out of anger. I may be wrong, but I think…I think what we both wanted, what made us so furious because we didn't feel we got it, was a sincere apology, an explanation that made sense, an understanding and acceptance of that apology and for it to be left behind us. Neither of us could do that. We didn't see our own fault or understand our own actions so we couldn't or weren't willing to apologize properly. Not feeling the apology was sincere, the other wasn't able to forgive. We just went round and round until…well, until…" She stopped when she realized she was about to say, 'until I suffocated you,' but she couldn't bring herself to say it. Maybe someday they would talk about it, but she wouldn't be the one to bring that up. So she finished, "I felt and saw your sincerity, so for me, in this instance, yes, it's that easy. You are forgiven. Something else I recognized over the past couple of years is the fact that you honestly didn't do any of that to hurt me, not on purpose. It took me years to see that. It didn't make it hurt any less but what you said today, it did. So that's why I'm thanking you." Callie didn't know what to say, so she just nodded and started going through the pictures again.
Glancing to her left, Callie noticed Arizona was looking through a stack of pictures before placing them back in the box. Seeing the soft smile on her face, she asked, "What are you looking at?" Arizona handed the picture over and Callie laughed when she saw a picture of Arizona and herself in a swimming pool holding a giggling Sofia in a bright pink two piece bathing suit. Shaking her head, she declared, "She sure had a buddha belly once she started growing." Arizona laughed and responded, "She did. Do you remember that day?" Callie nodded and answered, "It was the first time we ever took her swimming. She got so excited, like it was the biggest bathtub she'd ever seen." Arizona laughed and proclaimed, "It was just as hard to get her out of the pool as it was the tub too." Callie nodded, looked down at her own pile then cooed, "Oh do you remember this one?" Arizona took the picture from her ex-wife, saw a baby Sofia sitting on Santa's lap screaming her head off and pouted, "I was so mad at you for telling them to hurry up and take the picture anyway. I couldn't believe you let her suffer like that." Callie laughed and argued, "She wasn't suffering. But she needed a first picture with Santa." Arizona crossed her arms and disagreed, "We could have waited until she understood who Santa even was." She didn't know what it was about this woman, but Callie found her pouty mad face absolutely adorable. Tapping the picture, she teased, "But just think, now we have blackmail for when she starts dating." Arizona gasped, "SHUT UP! That's another twenty years from now." Callie threw back her head in laughter and stated, "Arizona, she's five, it's only another…" Callie did the math, frowned at the thought of her daughter dating and finished, "Twenty-five years from now." The blonde laughed, bumped her shoulder and retorted, "See, not a fun thought is it?" Callie shook her head, tossed the picture in the box and muttered, "Shut up."
For the next thirty minutes, the two women went through all their old memories, stopping to ask about when this picture was taken or do you remember this time and found themselves laughing and reminiscing about their past life together, seeming to have forgotten why the box of pictures was even out of its hiding spot in the first place. Callie came to one particular picture; one she didn't recall ever seeing and her heart stopped. Feeling Callie go still next to her, Arizona glanced over to see what caught her attention and she stopped breathing as well. It was a photo of the two of them, very early in their relationship, Callie was wearing a black and gold sleeveless dress while Arizona had on a royal blue off the shoulder A-line dress and the two of them were dancing, staring into one another's eyes. They both recalled the exact day that picture was taken, more so the activities that took place not even an hour later since it was the first night they made love.
While neither said it then, nor would they admit it now, it was the first time they each felt their hearts and souls connect in a way they had with no other, before or since. Feeling it would be almost a crime to put the picture away without commenting on it, without acknowledging what that night meant to them, Callie traced Arizona's image with her finger and murmured, "You looked so beautiful, that blue always makes your eyes glow. I can never decide if I like your hair straight or curly though." Arizona smiled softly, she'd heard both of those statements hundreds of times over the past eight years and would never tire of hearing them. This time though, it seemed to melt her heart just a little because this time, her ex-wife didn't need to say it. Leaning into the body next to her, Arizona repeated Callie's action, traced the brunette's image with her own finger and whispered, "You were so stunning. You took my breath away. I was so used to seeing you at work in scrubs with your hair pulled back, seeing it styled like that and curly, it just…my hands itched to run my fingers through it." Callie arched her brow and teased, "If I remember correctly, you did just that." Arizona blushed and they both realized they were about to cross the line from reminiscing to flirting, a line neither of them were sure they wanted to go near yet.
Sitting back up, Arizona and Callie proceeded to go through the pictures until Callie stopped once more. She was staring at a selfie they took on Valentine's Day in Derek's trailer and the happiness on their faces, the way they held each other, the love that shone from their eyes, it hit her in a way that none of the other pictures did. She put the picture aside and started looking at the others in her pile. Once again, she was drawn to Arizona's eyes. It wasn't just love or happiness she was seeing there. It was an undying devotion, a loyalty like she'd never seen before. As she went through each picture one by one, she saw it every single time, but more so in the pictures where she was holding the blonde or she was the one behind the camera and Arizona was staring right at her rather than the camera itself. Arizona felt Callie frantically going through pictures, saw her making another pile that only made sense to her, took in the expression on her face as if she were having some sort of revelation and her entire world turned upside down, the smile fell from her face, and her blood ran cold when she heard, "You…this person…this Arizona never would have cheated on me."
Callie had no idea where the thought even came from and shocked herself when the words flew out of her mouth. There was another revelation she was on the verge of having and she sat staring at Arizona who had gone sheet white and appeared to have frozen with her hand in midair. The only movement being her head which slowly turned to look her in the eyes. Arizona opened her mouth to agree, to let everything pour out, to give Callie the answers she'd wanted for over three years when the shrill sound of a pager went off from the coat rack. Callie's eyes shifted from Arizona to her black leather coat hanging near the door, then back to Arizona. She knew she had to answer the page, but desperately needed a response. Arizona knew Callie was torn, she knew she owed her something, so she answered, "No Callie, that Arizona, the woman you fell in love with and married never, ever would have cheated on you. I know it's time for this talk and I am ready to answer all of your questions." That certainly wasn't the response Callie was expecting, but for some reason, it was one that satisfied her for now. She wasn't looking forward to this talk at all and feared her ex-wife would change her mind. But she'd have to trust her for now. Nodding her head, Callie rushed to the coat rack, checked her pager and exclaimed, "Fuck! Apartment fire, you'll probably be…" She was cut off by the muffled sound of another pager, she assumed was stuffed in the blonde's pocket.
Arizona grabbed her coat without even looking at her pager, pulled out her phone to text Grey when it started ringing. Picking up she responded, "Hey Grey, I was just about to text you." The blonde on the other line replied, "My sitter is on her way to my house, she said it was okay to keep Sofia there if you are okay with that." Arizona sighed in relief and replied, "Yeah, that's fine. I'm sorry about that. I'll send you some cash later. See you soon." Arizona looked up to see Callie standing by the door, confusion written all over her face, tossed her car keys to her ex-wife, deciding there was no reason for them both to drive and explained, "Sof and I were at that new pizza place with Mer when you called. She kept her and took her to the movie with them. Her sitter agreed to watch her and Grey was just letting me know." Callie nodded, feeling guilty now for not even asking where their daughter had been all day.
As she closed and locked the door, Callie realized what Arizona just told her and asked, "So, you and Grey, you hang out?" The blonde laughed and replied, "Apparently we do now. She called and asked to borrow Sofia, then before I could answer, she invited me along too. We had a nice time." Callie ran her fingers through her hair, something the blonde knew was a nervous habit, and tried to ease her concerns before they were voiced, "She doesn't know anything. In fact, she assumed I hadn't talked to you and wanted to warn me that you have been trying to better yourself and felt like making things right with me might help you do that. She wanted to give me a heads up that it might be a difficult conversation." Callie snorted and muttered, "Understatement." She pulled out of the driveway, glanced at Arizona and explained, "I uh, I haven't told anyone about our talks. I figured I've shared enough of our business in the hospital and am just trying to keep us out of the rumor mill. Aside from the fact that, I don't know, I just, I don't think we need anyone else's input. I'm not ashamed or worried I just…" Arizona reached out, placed her hand on Callie's knee to cut off her ramble and soothed, "Callie, it's okay. You know how I like my privacy, so honestly, I appreciate the fact that you haven't talked about it. Just so you know, I haven't either. I agree that this should be between us. It's no one else's business."
The rest of the drive to the hospital was made in comfortable silence. After the emotion and tension of the day, neither of them wanted the noise of the radio, and they found that for the first time in a long time, they didn't need to fill the silence with conversation to keep it from becoming too tense. When Callie pulled into the parking lot, she glanced down to see that Arizona never removed her hand from her leg and tried not to wonder what that meant. Pulling into the blonde's parking spot, she felt the need to do as they had been doing after these talks and asked, "Are we, are you okay?" Arizona turned to look at her, smiled, and replied, "I'm okay if you are." Callie lowered her hand, took Arizona's in hers, saw the instant the blonde realized she never removed her hand, and replied, "I'm good. Thank you for coming over today." Arizona turned her hand over to squeeze the strong tan hand and answered, "Thank you for calling me and trusting me with your feelings." The two women smiled at one another, reluctantly released their hold on the other's hand, then got out of the car and rushed inside. Neither of them realizing they had just driven to work together for the first time in two years.
A/N: In my best Arizona voice, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for the great reviews and seeing what I am trying to do in this story. I feel both women made mistakes and while Arizona's were more obvious and less forgivable, Callie's went unnoticed and caused just as much damage. To the guest reviewer who told me to GTFO of my own story, I will politely ask that if you don't like it, not to read it. But I won't change a FICTION AU story, nor my vision of where to take it, because you disagree, nor do I appreciate the anger and hurtful words that were directed toward me. As I have stated before and will continue to do so in my story and my A/N's, both women have amends to make. I am starting with Callie and allowing her to get to understand her own actions as well.