Callie sat in her lab early Wednesday morning staring at the papers containing her latest research in preparation for her meeting at The Vet Center in a couple of hours. She could hear the constant hum of the printer as it spewed forth the data on her most recent prototype which was currently hooked up to a machine testing it's durability. Nothing was registering though, because her mind kept wandering and replaying images of the last several days. She would start reading and snippets of conversations she'd had with Arizona would ring in her ears as if they were just being said. She'd turn a certain way and would swear she could still smell the lingering aroma of honey and vanilla on her white coat. She hadn't thought about it since the early days after their divorce, but one of the things she missed the most was how Arizona's scent would cling to her clothes or her body and she'd carry it with her all day as a constant reminder of her wife, added proof that she belonged to someone…not just someone, Arizona. Letting out a belabored sigh, she knew she shouldn't be thinking about such things, it was way too soon for her, for them, and she knew she just needed to get her head on straight. What bothered her, however, was the fact that she couldn't think of much else since they'd started talking again. Bringing up the past hurts was also stirring up other emotions, feelings that had lain dormant like an inactive volcano. She could feel them churning, bubbling, fighting their way to the surface, and though she knew she had the ability to hold them at bay, she'd done so for two years, just acknowledging their presence again seemed to give them strength.
Maybe that's what possessed her to go down into the scrub room after Cayden's surgery on Monday. It was almost as if that long ago suppressed, unexplainable connection she and Arizona always shared, emerged once again and she knew she was needed. Part of her recognized though, whether she was needed or not, whether her support would be welcome or not, she wanted to be there, she wanted to offer comfort. She could see the toll that Cayden's situation was taking on Arizona and for the first time since their divorce, she wondered who the blonde had to lean on and felt compelled to be that person. It was odd to her how, after all this time, no words passed between them and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to hold Arizona while she cried. When the sobs stopped and the tears all but dried, Arizona lifted her head, murmured a quiet "Thank you," to which she responded, "Any time," and they silently left the room and went to the NICU together to check on Cayden. While there was no discomfort, no tension between them at that time, they'd seen very little of one another since then.
Callie placed her elbows on the table in front of her, rested her head in her hands and let out a low growl of frustration, confusion, and a tiny bit of self-loathing. Even though it made her feel like a coward, she'd resorted to the same tricks she'd pulled in those early days right after a sexy stranger kissed her in a dirty bar bathroom. She'd linger in the hall to get a glimpse of Arizona, then she'd duck into a patient room or hop on the nearest elevator, or just do a complete one-eighty and go the other way. She knew during that time; she'd done those things not because she didn't want to see the blonde surgeon, rather because she did and that's also why she was doing them now. Since their talks over the weekend, something in their relationship shifted, it was easier, more comfortable, as if an invisible barrier had been removed. In a sense, she guessed that's exactly what happened. The barrier wasn't invisible however, it once took on a very physical form and while it stayed between them long after his death, it felt like the specter of Mark's presence in their relationship had finally been banished and with it, much of the pain that lingered between them.
That was why she was hiding, allowing herself glimpses, but not allowing contact. She and Arizona were becoming friends, forming a bond that she realized they'd never really shared, one that she wanted to build and grow, one that had quickly become extremely important to her, and she feared that it was still so tenuous, so fragile that it could be broken at any moment. What sent her running was the fear that one of them would open their mouth and it would all be over. If their pagers hadn't gone off Sunday afternoon, they would have been launched into a conversation she wasn't sure she was prepared to have. Over the course of the last few days, she'd realized the truth in the words she carelessly blurted without thought; the Arizona she dated and married, the woman who looked at her so adoringly in all of those pictures, never would have cheated on her. If she were being honest, it was her ex-wife's response that kept running through her mind, blocked her from focusing on anything else, kept her awake at night. No Callie, that Arizona, the woman you fell in love with and married never, ever would have cheated on you. I know it's time for this talk and I am ready to answer all of your questions. She wasn't certain if she felt relieved or worried that Arizona responded so calmly to her revelation, that she faced the topic of her cheating head on without argument or avoidance for the first time ever since it happened.
When Arizona first cheated, she begged for answers, she needed to understand. The problem was, she didn't know if, now that they were being offered, she wanted the answers, or maybe she didn't know if she could handle hearing them. So much time had passed and though the pain was still there, the wound was no longer fresh. She supposed her biggest fear now was that all that hurt, all the pain, all the anger would resurface and whatever friendship they were building, whatever future they might have, no matter what it looked like, would be destroyed in the blink of an eye just like their marriage was. Taking a deep breath, Callie sat back and realized that though this may be an extremely difficult conversation and it very well may set them back, it was a long time coming and no matter how she feared the words that would fall from Arizona's beautiful lips, she needed to hear them to move forward, with or without Arizona. She just knew which one she preferred this time.
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"It's time," Arizona announced upon bursting into her therapist's office. The older woman swiveled her chair around to look at the harried blonde and understood just by those two words, why she'd requested an extended session today and why she appeared to be so flustered. Between Cayden's birth and health complications, her conversations with Callie, other emergencies at the hospital, and whatever that was in the scrub room Monday afternoon, Arizona had gotten very little sleep in the past week, however she felt like she could barely sit still. She began pacing the small office and blurted, "I thought I was ready; I told her I was ready. I just…" She stopped mid-sentence, shook her head, uncertain what she was going to say, and tried to gather her thoughts. Walking to the window, she found something stationary outside to focus on and slowly counted to ten as she took in deep calming breaths. Finally feeling her body relax, she turned, leaned on the windowsill, and explained, "Callie and I had another conversation last weekend." The older woman nodded in understanding. She had gathered as much, she no longer had to ask who 'she' was; it was always Callie and when her patient came into a session like this, more often than not, her mood had to do with something pertaining to the other woman.
Tilting her chair back, Ginnie asked, "How did that go?" Arizona ran her fingers through her hair, thought about how the whole thing came about, and sighed, "Honestly, much better than I ever imagined that conversation would go, if we ever even had it." She paused for a moment and expanded, "It was about Mark, me being nothing, and the damage their friendship caused to our relationship." The blonde laughed at the shocked expression on her therapist's face as she asked, "How the hell did that come up?" Finally feeling like she could sit down, Arizona walked to the sofa, took a seat, pulled a throw pillow tight to her chest, and lay out in detail the entire story, up until they were paged to the hospital on Sunday afternoon.
The retired Lieutenant General studied her patient carefully to gauge her reaction to the whole situation. She couldn't begin to count the number of hours they'd spent discussing her relationship with Sofia and her concerns about being seen as an equal parent along with Callie's and Mark's dysfunctional friendship and often feeling as if she played second fiddle in her own relationship. She also couldn't begin to count the many boxes of Kleenex the blonde had gone through during those sessions, yet here she was, dry eyed, calmly recounting the events, and the only hint of hurt she showed was on behalf of her ex-wife. Leaning forward with her elbows resting on her knees, Ginnie prompted, "Tell me what you're thinking, how you feel after having those conversations." Arizona put the pillow aside, pulled her right leg under her body and stated, "It's like I told Callie, I never planned on having that talk with her so I'd pretty much found my own closure and come to terms with the fact that I would always carry some insecurity and pain over both situations. The fact that we have discussed it now, that she really understands what I was feeling, what things looked like from the outside, and she is remorseful and sincerely apologized…I don't know, it's like I feel like I can really start healing, it's helped me to find true closure. Quite honestly, as painful as it was for both of us, it was also extremely cathartic and though it can't change the past, it's like it broke down one of the walls that's always been between us."
Ginnie sat back in her chair and observed the other woman for a moment while she sat with her own thoughts. She could see how healing these conversations with her ex-wife had been. She could also tell that Arizona was releasing some of the blame and placing it at Callie's feet, or maybe Callie was picking it up for herself. Whatever it was, she knew her patient was experiencing more changes and they seemed to be positive. The older woman smirked and asked, "You do realize that you gave up some of the blame don't you?" Arizona tried not to smile and nodded as she answered, "I do." Ginnie tilted her head and asked, "How does that feel?" The blonde sobered again and replied, "Good and bad. Good because I am starting to recognize that it wasn't all me and I was carrying everything not just because I thought it was my fault, but because there were things Callie didn't see as a problem. Bad, because I feel like since we started talking things through, we've only talked about her actions and how they made me feel and we haven't talked about the things I did." Ginnie asked, "Is that why you think it's time?" Arizona closed her eyes and replayed the entire scenario of Callie's revelation about her in her mind for what must have been the thousandth time.
Looking her therapist in the eye, Arizona shook her head and explained, "No, I think it's time because after I found her in a mess on her living room floor and we talked everything through, we spent some time just going through the pictures, reminiscing, laughing, and then she started acting weird again. I'm not sure what started it though, and she piled all these pictures up, then looked at me with the stack of pictures in her hand like she was holding evidence or proof to support her statement, and acknowledged, 'This Arizona never would have cheated on me.'" Ginnie had to hold back her own surprise and asked, "How did you respond to that?" Arizona stood up, walked to the window, found another fixed object to ground herself, and answered, "I told her she was right, the Arizona she fell in love with and married never, ever would have cheated on her. I told her I owed her answers and I was prepared to give them to her." The older woman nodded, waited for her to continue, and let out an exasperated sigh when she heard, "Then our pagers went off." As if feeling her patient's frustration, the doctor groaned, "Ugh damn emergencies." The blonde chuckled and turned around, nodding in agreement.
Arizona leaned against the wall, still wondering what might have happened if they hadn't been paged. Was she truly prepared to have that conversation in that moment? Would there ever be a right time to have that conversation? Ginnie could see the far off look in Arizona's eyes and asked, "What are you thinking?" Arizona shook her head and asked, "Should I tell her all of it?" The older woman tilted her head and inquired, "Why wouldn't you?" Arizona exhaled loudly and replied, "No one knows, well other than Miranda, my chief, that I have been seeing you or how that came about. But it's all interconnected and I know now that I can't separate one thing from another. I didn't know how to explain myself, or maybe at that time, didn't want to, I don't know. What I do know is every time I opened my mouth, the only thing that came out was lame excuses or blame. I actually blamed Callie for my stupidity and I just…I don't want it to sound that way, to feel that way to her. I've hurt her so badly and this tore us apart. I think…I know that's why I am avoiding her now and I think she's doing the same thing because we are both in a good place right now and I don't want anything to change that. I'm afraid if we spend more time together, we will get even closer. But our next talk…it could, it could make us go back to that place, it could make her hate me again."
Ginnie reached into the small refrigerator near her desk, pulled out two bottles of water, tossed one to Arizona, and asked, "Are you afraid to open the old wounds between you or are you afraid the darkness will come back if you talk about it?" Arizona's head snapped up then and she bit her bottom lip to keep it from quivering as her eyes filled with tears. She inhaled deeply through her nose, exhaled through her mouth and admitted, "All of it. I'm afraid bringing it up will hurt Callie, open those wounds for her if they were ever even closed. I'm afraid that the, pardon the pun, but the crippling depression, anger, and guilt I lived with for so long will come back, and I'm afraid if any or all of those things happen, I won't recover this time. I won't be found like that again…I can't…"
Arizona shook her head to clear those dark memories from her mind and asked, "That's why I have to tell her the whole story isn't it?" The therapist nodded and replied, "Yes, it is. You know Callie better than I do, obviously, since I don't know her at all, but you know how to word things for her so she won't feel as if you are putting the blame on her. You and I have even practiced this, we've talked about it several times in case you ever got the opportunity and you have to see it as an opportunity Arizona. This is your chance to take responsibility for your own actions, admit guilt, and absolve Callie of the blame you placed on her shoulders. It may help and she may finally be able to start healing from this as well and that's what you truly want. I honestly believe neither of you will find any sort of forgiveness until you discuss it. She won't be able to forgive you if she doesn't have a proper apology and explanation even though we both agree there is no excuse for those behaviors, and you won't be able to forgive yourself." Arizona shook her head and argued, "I'll never forgive myself; it doesn't matter if I talk to her or not, but you're right, I need to talk to her, she deserves the apology she never got, she deserves to hear me take responsibility, and most importantly, she needs to know none of this is her fault, there's nothing..." She stopped when the lump in her throat became too thick to talk through. Closing her eyes, she repeated the words she told Callie Sunday, "She needs to understand that the woman she fell in love with never would have cheated on her."
The therapist nodded in understanding and suggested, "We could ask her to come…" Arizona held up her hand and interrupted, "No, I think we need to do this alone. I appreciate the offer, but…Callie and I, we don't have a good track record when it comes to seeing therapists together." The older woman chuckled; she couldn't help it. She was almost certain what was happening between the two ex-wives wasn't just the building of a friendship, but she would be happy to await the outcome. Making sure her patient followed through, she asked, "When do you plan to talk to her?" Arizona thought about it for a minute and answered, "I'm not sure. As worried as I am about how it will go, I'd rather it happen sooner than later." Ginnie nodded, stood up and offered, "You know my number if you need me." Arizona smirked and asked, "Are you kicking me out?" The older woman chuckled and replied, "As a matter of fact I am. I have an appointment of my own to get to."
Arizona realized her doctor was rubbing her arm, glanced down and noticed she wasn't wearing her prosthetic. Before she could ask, Ginnie offered, "The trial was a bust, turns out the sleezy doctor didn't know what he was doing and the funding was pulled. There's another trial starting up at The Vet Center and the director at the VA pulled some strings for us to be the first in line, so I'm going to meet with the new doctor today." The blonde absolutely hated the way vets were treated most of the time and hoped like hell this trial panned out. If it didn't, she would insist that Ginnie see Callie, ethics be damned. Deciding not to say anything just yet, Arizona offered, "I hope it all works out for you. I'll see you next week." The older woman nodded her thanks and replied, "I hope it all works out for you too and I can't wait to hear about it." Arizona smiled, even if it did quiver just a little, then turned and left the office. Though she was feeling lighter for having shared her fears, she was still fearful of the daunting conversation that lay ahead of her. She knew though, she had to take her own advice and stop running.
XXXX
"Dr. Torres? I'm Major Mike Waddell, Director of The Vet Center, thank you so much for agreeing to work with us again." Callie stood from her seat in the waiting room and extended her hand to the older man who looked to be in his late 50's, his skin appeared to be permanently darkened by several years in the desert sun, and what was left of his white hair was shaved into a neat buzz cut. Smiling brightly, she returned, "It's my honor sir, please, call me Callie." The major chuckled, started walking down the hall, and replied, "You can call me Mike, sir or major is reserved for the soldiers." Without thinking, Callie blurted, "My former father-in-law made everyone call him Colonel. I think he would have made his wife call him that if he thought he'd get away with it." Mike stopped outside of a door which had his name emblazoned across the front of it, and responded, "Some of the die-hard's are like that. My father was the same way. It was General right up until the day he died." Callie just nodded in understanding and entered the small office.
Once they were both seated, Mike cleared his throat and shifted in his seat uncomfortably which was never a good sign to Callie. Reaching for a stack of folders, the major explained, "I know I invited you here to go over the details of the trial, but I received a call from my friend at the VA yesterday and I was hoping you could help me out today." Callie arched her brow in question and asked, "Help you out how?" The major re-situated himself in his chair once again and explained, "I know I shouldn't go into all of the details, but given that you do have some clearance and the mind-mapping technology was created by you in collaboration with Dr. Shephard, I feel like I can trust you." Callie nodded her head and the man continued, "The Seattle VA recently employed a military surgeon who utilized that technology to create his own robotic prosthetics. They agreed to allow him to start a small trial consisting of five local vets. Within just a couple of weeks, the limbs started to malfunction, they would send jolts of electricity up the residual limb, the sockets would jam, the joints would freeze up, and every single time one of them tried to call or page him, he never responded. He'd just disappeared after the first few calls. My contact at the VA told me he'd given them false credentials and never had the security clearance to use the technology in the first place." The major watched as the surgeon's jaw clenched, her eyes seemed to darken in anger, and a red tint started to form on her face.
Callie could feel the anger rising from deep within and did her best to tamp it down. There was so much wrong with that entire scenario, she didn't even know where to start, who to be angry at. These people deserved better, they deserved the best and she damn sure wasn't going to let them down. Though she hadn't intended to, she snapped out, "How soon can you have them here?" Slightly taken aback, the major leaned forward and spoke calmly, "Dr. Torres, I understand that's not what you…" Callie sighed, ran her hand through her hair, and apologized, "I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you or at the favor you are asking of me. I'm angry on behalf of those patients whose hopes were dashed on top of having to experience more pain. I'd be more than happy to incorporate them in the trial and can clear some time for them this week if they want to come to the hospital to see me." The major smiled then and explained, "Well, that's what I was hoping you could help me out with today. I know it was presumptuous of me to assume that you would see them, but I invited them down to talk to you about the trial, to see if they were in fact good candidates, and possibly to see if you could help any of them today."
Callie exhaled slowly, though she hadn't planned on meeting with patients today, she knew she couldn't say no. She would be irate if Arizona joined a trial and…oh God, Arizona. Should she have told her she was doing this? Would she be upset? Callie quickly ran through every single one of their conversations and she couldn't for the life of her recall the leg even coming up. Not a single word had been uttered about Arizona's leg. If she told her about the new trial would she… "Dr. Torres?" Broken from her thoughts, Callie shook her head to clear it, looked at the major questioningly and he asked, "Would you mind meeting with them?" Callie smiled at the older man and returned, "No, not at all. I just need to get my bags from my car and a few minutes to look at their files." The major returned the smile, stood up and suggested, "I'll assist you and lead you into the room where you can meet with them individually." Callie stood as well and followed the man out the door.
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After seeing three of the five patients, convincing two of them to join her trial, and at least helping the third ease his pain and refit his original prosthetic, Callie looked at the clock and realized that the fourth patient was a no show. While waiting for her last patient, she sat on the stool, opened her laptop, and typed up some notes she had taken from the previous patients about the trial they participated in and the promises made to them. She had no concerns at all about fulfilling those promises, she just didn't intend on making any herself. She was completely confident in her skills as a surgeon and now as a prosthetist, but she knew anything could go wrong and it usually happened the minute you made a promise to the contrary. The quick glance she'd gotten of the robotic limbs they were given, proved to her that they were, in fact, equipped with crude replicas of the sensors she'd created over three years ago. Since then, she had made several adjustments and improvements and debated on whether or not she should just replace the entire prototype for these two, possibly three patients, depending upon what the last person decided. Just as she closed her laptop, Callie heard a knock on the open door and turned to see an older woman with straight, silver grey hair that fell just below her shoulders, standing in the doorway with her back ramrod straight and her shoulders square.
The woman walked into the room and introduced herself, "Dr. Ginnie Dettloff, Retired Lieutenant General from the United States Air Force." Callie stood up and extended her right hand to her patient and started to introduce herself when the woman reached out with her left hand, which was holding her right arm, intending for her to shake it, and Callie just stared at it, taken a little off guard. Dr. Dettloff started laughing and teased, "Oh come on, I was told you're a prosthetist and nobody has ever done that before?" Callie laughed lightly, shook her head and declared, "No, I can honestly say that's a first." She took the silicone covered robotic limb, indicated for the woman to take a seat, and amended, "Actually, I'm an orthopedic surgeon, I've only become a certified prosthetist in the last couple of years." Callie watched as the older woman narrowed her eyes at her and attempting to alleviate her concerns, assured, "I know that doesn't sound reassuring, but I am more than qualified to run this trial." Ginnie scoffed and retorted, "That's what the last guy said, he really hyped himself up, promised we'd have the best care, blah blah blah, one glitch and he disappears and the VA cut the funding. Here I am stuck with a stupid arm with some fancy sensors that shoot jolts of electricity through my body and supposedly no one knows how they work except the specially trained doctors handpicked by the US Government." Callie laughed outright at that, earning her a confused look from her patient.
Callie took a seat on the stool, opened her bag and started deconstructing the arm and explained, "Today just so happens to be your lucky day Dr. Dettloff." The therapist watched as the surgeon expertly, almost without looking, dismantled her hand, and asked, "How's that?" Callie peeled the silicone away, recognized the problem instantly, and replied, "What they didn't tell you, is the government shares the patent with the person who created the sensors and that person happens to be me." Ginnie narrowed her eyes at the woman sitting across from her. Something about her story sounded extremely familiar. Trying not to raise suspicion she asked, "Is it normal for orthopedic surgeons to also become prosthetists?" Without looking up, Callie responded, "Not really. About four years ago, someone very close to me had an accident and they were very active, avid runner, skated at work, they're a surgeon and without their leg, a good leg they could wear 14 to 16 hours a day without pain or swelling, get around quickly for emergencies, just, I don't know...feel like they could still do those things, it inspired me to invent a leg that would be better than anything on the market."
Almost convinced she knew the identity of this doctor now, she asked, "So your friend was like the guinea pig?" Callie looked up then and Ginnie could see the pain in her eyes when she replied, "More than a friend, but no, they um…they weren't ready for it yet. I didn't realize until much, much later, far too late, that I tried too soon. They thought I was trying to fix them and I guess maybe I was, but not for the reasons they thought. This person was always so confident, strong, chipper and happy and just, like sunshine in human form." The therapist watched as brown eyes sparkled when she spoke about her patient and dimmed again when she added, "After the accident, they were just so angry, miserable, full of self-doubt, I guess I thought, if I could give them something that simulated their leg, that would allow them to do what they used to be able to do…I don't know. It doesn't matter. I pushed too hard when I should have just listened and been supportive of what they were going through." Callie had no idea why she was spilling her heart out to this stranger. Maybe it was because she was an amputee, or maybe she was feeling guilty for starting the trial again and not telling Arizona, or maybe she just needed to say it out loud, admit it to herself and the woman was asking the right questions.
Though she knew it was completely unethical, the therapist asked, "Have you ever told them this?" Callie shook her head and answered, "Not yet, I intend to. It's just, it's a really touchy subject and we just got on good terms again." The therapist offered, "As an amputee myself, I can tell you, we all respond in different ways. I responded very much like the person you are talking about. It took me a long time to feel like myself again, to feel whole and I made a lot of poor choices and lost many loved ones along the way. When I retired and started getting my shit together, I got my doctorate specializing in PTSD and that within itself was healing for me." Callie nodded and replied, "I get that. Continuing with the robotic limb project was therapeutic for me. I couldn't help my ah…my person, but there were so many more I did help. That's why I restarted my trial."
Callie held up the arm, handed it over and offered, "Okay, try this." Dr. Dettloff slid the socket onto her residual limb, snapped it in place, then bent each finger, her wrist, moved her hand around and exclaimed, "Wow! What did you do?" Callie smiled and replied, "Some of the sensors slipped from where they were supposed to be. Whoever put it together didn't use the recommended process. It shouldn't give you any problems now. But if you join the trial, I'd like to upgrade the whole thing so everyone has the same prototype." Callie reached into her bag, pulled out a card and stated, "If it does give you any problems, or if you decide to join my trial, just give me a call." Against her better judgement, but for her own physical needs, the doctor nodded and replied, "Well you can definitely add me to the list for the trial. Thank you…" She looked down at the card as if she were reading the name, though she already knew it and finished, "Dr. Torres." Callie smiled and replied, "Any time, we're having our first meeting next week, you can check with the receptionist for the time." Ginnie nodded, thanked Callie again, left the room and as she turned the corner, she muttered, "So that was the infamous Callie." She shook her head, knowing she was getting too personally involved and ordered herself, "Stay in your own lane Dettlof."
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During her drive back to the hospital, Callie considered whether or not she wanted to tell Arizona she had officially resumed her research and work on The Robotic Limb Project. She'd never really dropped it, she kept working on it privately, she just hadn't seen patients since the fiasco with Hunt. Deciding she'd much rather have Arizona hear it from her than some ridiculously warped version of the truth through the hospital grapevine, Callie switched lanes, took a sharp left, heading toward Arizona's house since it was her day off, and called Miranda to tell her she got delayed with the vet trial. She knew she should probably call Arizona first, but part of her was afraid she'd chicken out, so instead, she hoped she'd be forgiven for just stopping by.
After her therapy session, Arizona thought about going to the hospital to check on Cayden, but decided she just needed some time alone to clear her mind. She'd also considered going for a drive, then ruled that out as well considering what a nice day it was and realized exactly what she needed. Pulling into her driveway, she quickly went into her house, went straight to her room, put on some running shorts, her comfy old Army hoodie, swapped her prosthetic leg out for her running blade, and, grabbed her phone, ear buds, and keys, locked up, put on her favorite playlist, then took off at a slow jog down the street. She'd only been running on pavement a handful of times this year. She got the blade at the end of last summer, practiced on the indoor track with her new prosthetist for a couple of months and finally got up the nerve to run on her own last fall. She felt so free, like she'd gained another piece of herself back again and now she ran every chance she could. As her foot hit the pavement, then her blade, each step propelling her forward, she could feel her body start to relax and her mind empty of everything except the one thing she really wanted to focus on, her next conversation with Callie.
Glancing down at the metal blade, she picked up her pace and thought about where she needed to start. She had so much to say, so much to apologize for, in her mind, her atonement needed to go back to the moment she woke up and realized she didn't have a leg. Before that really. If she never would have made Callie promise she wouldn't cut off her leg…so many things might have been different. Over the course of the past year, she had come to so many painful realizations and wondered if starting at the beginning of her journey to healing would make more sense. Either way, if they could get through it all at once, it was going to be a long, agonizing conversation and she knew she had to remember that as much as it was going to hurt her, Callie was the true victim, it was her pain she wanted to alleviate and she just hoped when the time came, she could find the right words. Reaching her halfway point, Arizona took a right at the next corner and headed back to her house. She could only run about a half-mile on the cement at this point, though she was up to two miles on the track. It was nowhere near what she used to run, but it was running and she was grateful that she could do it once again. Finally reaching her street, she furrowed her brow in concern when she saw Callie's car sitting in her driveway and her ex-wife stepping off her front steps. Picking up her pace, she tried to reach her house before Callie got in her car and left. She worried there was something wrong since she'd just shown up unannounced.
Turning down Arizona's street, Callie let out a sigh of relief when she saw her ex-wife's car in the driveway. Pulling in behind it, she got out of her car, jogged to the front door, and rang the doorbell. While she waited, she looked around, like she had so many other times before when she came to pick up Sofia or drop her off. It was a cute little house in a nice neighborhood. Sofia said she had some friends here and she was happy knowing her daughter had playmates at both houses. She looked at the door and listened for any noise coming from inside the house when Arizona had yet to appear. Unable to recall if she heard the doorbell or not, she knocked on the door and looked in the window to see if she could see the blonde moving around. Looking back at her car, she wondered if maybe Arizona was home and just taking a nap or…her blood ran cold when she realized her ex-wife may not be alone. Knowing she had absolutely no right to be jealous or upset by that thought, Callie tried to push it away but her stomach churned at just the idea. Knocking one more time, she waited just a few seconds, then turned and started to go back to her car when she heard Arizona's breathless voice asking, "Callie? Are you okay?"
When she turned around, she knew her jaw dropped when she saw her ex-wife coming up the driveway wearing a running blade, running shorts, a hoodie, her hair was in a ponytail, a few tendrils stuck to her face, and she was covered in sweat. Suddenly the churning in her stomach turned into a completely different feeling that she had no idea what to do with. She was at a complete loss for words. Was she supposed to comment on the running blade, pretend it wasn't there…this was the last thing she expected to see when she came over to talk about her trial and wondered if she should even bring it up now. She had no idea what to do so she did what she did best and blurted out the first thing that came to her mind, "I uh, are you hungry?" Arizona chuckled, that wasn't the response she expected at all and knew it was because of the way she treated Callie about her leg. Sighing and deciding this was as good of a place to start as any, she carefully made her way up the steps, unlocked her door and offered, "It's okay Callie, you can ask."
Callie followed Arizona into the house, still trying to process the fact that she was running again when she was hit with permission to talk about it. Closing the door behind her, Callie asked, "Uh, when…um…how long have you been running?" Arizona led her into the kitchen, sat down at the table, removed her running blade, wiped the sweat from her residual limb, expertly donned her regular prosthetic, all while answering, "Hmm, I started getting sized for it last spring. When it came in, I ran on the treadmill for a while, then on the track with my prosthetist and started running in the neighborhood last fall and try to do it whenever it's warm and dry enough." She wiped the sweat from her face and looked up to see Callie leaning against the counter just staring at her. Callie was absolutely flabbergasted. Not only was Arizona running, but she just sat right in front of her and took off her prosthetic like it was no big deal at all. Arizona knew this was all a shock to Callie and deciding to give her a moment to process it, she stood up, and said, "I'm going to go change, did you really come here to ask if I was hungry?" Callie bit her bottom lip, took a deep breath and shook her head no. Arizona realized then that something else was bothering Callie, so instead of going to change, she went to the refrigerator, took out two bottles of water, handed one to Callie, took a long drink of her own, then asked, "What is it? Is something wrong? Did something happen?"
Callie studied Arizona's face and though it appeared that she was completely comfortable in her own skin again, she had no idea where the blonde stood when it came to her research and work with robotic limbs. Deciding to just put it out there, Callie revealed, "Last week, Wednesday actually, I was asked to resume my work with the vets on my Robotic Limb Project…" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw that super-magic smile start to bloom across bare pink lips. Arizona could see how nervous Callie was about telling her about this and wanted to reassure her right away, so she interjected, "Callie, that's great!" Callie blinked and asked, "Uh…it is?" Arizona sighed, nodded toward the table, and asked, "Can we um, can we sit down? The cement is harder on my body and my legs are starting to ache." Surprised by the admission, Callie immediately took a seat and watched as Arizona slowly made her way to her chair with a slight limp.
The two women stared at one another for a moment then Callie shook her head and admitted, "This isn't, this isn't at all how I thought this conversation would go." Arizona nodded, put her head down, and when she looked up, her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Callie opened her mouth to say something when Arizona declared, "There's just so much…God. Can you um, can you stay? Do you have to go back to work?" Callie took a deep shuddering breath as a chill ran down her spine. Something was telling her that this was THE talk, Arizona was ready to let everything out and as much as it scared the shit out of her, she knew it was time. Taking out her phone, Callie called Miranda to tell her she wasn't coming back in, then called Meredith and asked her to keep Sofia for the night and take her to school in the morning. She didn't have any idea what would come of this conversation, but she knew without a doubt, there would be tears and anger, and a high probability of yelling and when it was over, neither of them would be in any condition to care for their daughter properly.
When Callie got off the phone, Arizona murmured, "Thank you." Callie nodded and was surprised when Arizona asked, "Is your trial at The Vet Center?" Callie furrowed her brow and asked, "How did you know?" Instead of answering, Arizona replied, "You met a patient today, Dr. Ginnie Dettlof, right hand amputee." Callie said nothing but nodded in affirmation. Arizona stood then, walked across the kitchen to the freezer, pulled out an ice pack, and admitted, "Ginnie is my therapist. She specializes in PTSD. I've been seeing her for a little over a year now." Callie sat back in her chair, watched Arizona's every move until she sat back down and placed the ice pack on her leg and sighed in relief. Swallowing thickly she asked, "What…why did you decide to start seeing a therapist?" Arizona ran her hand through her hair knowing Callie could see how much it was trembling and revealed, "I didn't decide. It was decided for me when Miranda found me in my office in a near catatonic state cutting my residual limb with a scalpel after a plane crashed in Seattle and I found out you weren't the one who cut off my leg." Callie didn't know what she was expecting to come out of Arizona's mouth, but it certainly wasn't that. Overcome with fear and anger, Callie stood up so abruptly, the chair flew to the ground and she screamed, "What the fuck Arizona?"
A/N: Thank you all for your amazing reviews. I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long. What the fuck indeed. Haven't you ever wondered what really went through Arizona's mind that night she found out Callie wasn't the one who cut off her leg?