Callie stood staring at Arizona, trying to get a grip on her emotions but it felt useless when her ex-wife's words were still ringing in her ears. It was decided for me when Miranda found me in my office in a near catatonic state cutting my residual limb with a scalpel after a plane crashed in Seattle and I found out you weren't the one who cut off my leg. The second the words hit the air, Callie's imagination took flight and all she could see was Arizona sitting in her darkened office, on the floor, in a corner, wearing her scrub top and those black shorts she always wore under her pants in case she had to remove her leg, crying, unseeing, unfeeling, scalpel in hand, digging into the surface of her already marred skin. A cold chill ran down her spine as fear, anger, and guilt all clutched at her heart and swirled together with the questions…so many fucking questions…until they came out in a burst of rage and she screamed at her ex-wife. What the fuck Arizona? She didn't even know what she was asking in that moment. Maybe it was an amalgamation of everything she was thinking, feeling, needing and true to her nature, it came out as fury, the only way she knew how to protect herself from the pain that was sure to follow.
Arizona jumped in surprise when the chair toppled to the floor and Callie's harsh tone echoed throughout her otherwise quiet house. She didn't mean to just blurt that out without warning, the words just seemed to fall from her lips when Callie asked her about her decision to see a therapist. She expected her to be upset, to have questions, but she most certainly didn't expect this. She looked up to see Callie standing across from her, chest heaving, leaning forward with her clenched fists resting firmly on the table, her muscular arms so tight with tension she could see the veins bulging and the tendons twitching, her entire body was coiled as if she were prepared to strike at the slightest movement. What bothered Arizona the most was the myriad of emotions she saw playing out across Callie's face. It felt like she was waiting for a roulette wheel to stop spinning, waiting to see which of the many feelings she would finally settle on. She knew that could very well determine the course of this conversation. Deciding she should try to see where Callie was at, what she might be thinking, Arizona quietly started, "Callie…" She snapped her mouth shut when Callie shook her head, held up her hand, and curtly stated, "Not yet Arizona." Biting her bottom lip, Arizona nodded in understanding and wondered if Callie's silence meant she was trying to calm down and not say something she would regret or if she was still processing what she had just told her. When Callie pushed herself off the table and started pacing, which usually meant she was getting worked up, Arizona mentally prepared herself and was determined not to let this turn into a screaming match.
Callie walked into the kitchen after snapping at Arizona yet again, and knew she was out of line…her reaction was over the top, even for this situation, and she should apologize. Right now though, she was so dumbstruck, she couldn't even speak and she was certain if Arizona continued to talk, to try to explain, she would only hear half of what she was saying and continue to react rather than respond. So she said nothing and instead searched her brain for something…anything to help her make sense of what she just heard. Her mind raced back to that day and she felt such a sharp visceral pain in her heart that she actually clutched her chest when her response to Karev's request that they keep an eye on Arizona echoed in her ears, I want to, but I can't…be that person for Arizona. It's not my place…anymore. Callie rubbed her hands over her face, ran her fingers through her hair, and kept pacing. Why the fuck did she say that? Why couldn't she just…why couldn't she be that person for Arizona…on that day, of all days? She was still so fucking hurt…but that day, the day a plane crashed in the middle of their city, she should have put all of that aside. That day, the day her ex-wife found out Alex cut off her leg…if she were there, she could have stopped Arizona from hurting herself, she could have done…something.
Walking the length of the kitchen and back again, Callie glanced at Arizona who was sitting with her hands folded, patiently waiting, giving her time and space to…do whatever she was doing. She looked down when she felt something hit her foot, sighed, and bent to pick up the chair she sent flying earlier. Turning back around, she walked to the kitchen sink, looked out the window into the back yard and her mind flashed to Arizona approaching her on the catwalk, asking her about her leg. At the time, she thought it was odd that her ex-wife had very little to say; she asked why she hadn't told her about Alex, listened quietly to her answer, then just thanked her and walked away. She remembered thinking that it all seemed so…anti-climactic. Two years of pure hell, a year of divorce and barely speaking, all because of the damn amputation and her broken promise, and she got a quiet thank you. If she were being honest, she expected a fight, she was waiting for one, but now she understood, well, kind of understood why more wasn't said, why Arizona never mentioned her leg again…until today.
As the shock started to settle, she looked across the room and caught Arizona nervously watching her. Did she cause that to happen? Was finding out the truth too much for her ex-wife? She put her head down and wanted to kick herself for not realizing there was something wrong with that whole interaction. She walked away feeling somewhat relieved that Arizona knew, feeling like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, and had naively assumed Arizona had just accepted her explanation. Now she knew that at some point after that conversation, Arizona went to her office and for some reason, thought it was a good idea to start cutting on herself, on her leg, her thigh, her upper thigh near the femoral artery…her eyes widened as she wondered if her ex-wife was cognizant enough in that moment to know she could have killed herself or if that was exactly what she was trying to do. Her head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes as she looked at Arizona once again and searched her face for answers. Was she trying to kill herself? Callie's blood ran cold. What if she would have been successful?
A million thoughts ran through Callie's head, a million feelings through her heart, most prevalent was fear. A fear only rivaled by that of not knowing where her wife was for four days, fear that she would have had to tell their daughter she'd lost another parent, fear that she'd have to raise Sofia alone, fear that she'd have to live in a world where Arizona Robbins didn't exist, and fear that she caused it all. As she paced the kitchen once more, her ire began to build and fear gave way to anger. She stopped in front of Arizona and asked, "What the fuck were you thinking? Did you even think about our daughter? Are you fucking…" "CALLIE! Stop! Don't you dare say another word until you calm down." Arizona commanded in a stern but even tone. She knew the moment Callie looked at her from the sink that her fear had won out over any other emotion she was feeling. But Callie didn't do fear, Callie did anger. She became angry at the things she feared the most and lashed out; irrationally, and without thinking about what she was saying. Standing up to meet her ex-wife eye to eye, they stared at one another; Arizona calm and in control; Callie scared, angry, and confused.
Before Callie could say anything else, Arizona took a deep breath and quietly stated, "I'm very sorry Callie. I never intended to just blurt that out like I did. I know it was shocking to hear and I should have been more thoughtful and deliberate in how I told you." She watched as Callie's entire body seemed to deflate. She knew Callie was prepared for a fight, maybe even wanted one to deflect from the conversation they both knew was coming, but she couldn't allow it. Callie stared at Arizona a moment longer, her calm presence, her quiet words instantly soothing her and the turmoil she felt just seconds ago started to settle. Taking a deep breath, recalling all the times she'd reacted in much the same manner, she realized it was she who needed to apologize and replied, "No, I'm the one who owes you an apology Arizona. I'm sorry I reacted like that. What you told me, that…" she paused, swallowed the bile rising in her throat, and continued, "I know that wasn't easy to admit and I didn't expect…of all the things you could have said, that's the last thing I expected to come out of your mouth. I just…" At a loss for words once again, Callie trailed off and stared down at the table.
Arizona could see Callie was struggling to explain what she was feeling and finished, "You were caught off guard, you were scared about what could have happened if Miranda wouldn't have found me, you were angry that I did something so stupid, and if I know you, though you haven't thought about it yet, you will, and you'll be upset that no one ever told you." Feeling slightly uncomfortable that Arizona could still read her so well, Callie needed something to do, so without asking, she walked into the kitchen, started preparing a fresh pot of coffee, and admitted, "Yeah, ah, all of that, on top of my own mental picture of what that looked like, what you…" her voice cracked and she shook her head again, trying to clear the image from her mind.
Hearing the raw emotion in Callie's voice, seeing that she wouldn't look at her, Arizona turned, and knew just by her words and her posture that she had immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. Daring to move closer, she walked into the kitchen, leaned on the counter on the other side of Callie so they were facing each other, and quietly stated, "I wasn't trying to kill myself Callie. I actually…" Callie looked at Arizona's face with tear filled eyes and asked, "Then why?" Arizona wasn't certain how to answer that question. Since she hadn't intended to divulge that information right from the start, she actually had to regroup. Realizing there was no way around it, she went to the refrigerator to take out the creamer, then to the cabinet to take down two mugs, took a deep breath and asked, "Can we um, can we maybe get our coffee and go into the living room to sit down?" Callie nodded poured them both a cup and they stood together preparing their coffee in silence, both terrified of the outcome of this conversation.
Arizona took her usual seat in the overstuffed chair and watched over the rim of her cup as Callie slowly made her way to the sofa. They sat together in silence for a few minutes when Callie pleaded, "Will you tell me? I just don't understand Arizona. I mean, you seemed fine when you asked me why I didn't tell you Alex was the one who cut off your leg. What happened? When? How?" Arizona looked down at her leg once again, tried to recall as much of that day as possible, and started, "I think…um, I need to go through the whole day with you if that's okay." Callie simply nodded, then waited for her ex-wife to continue, watching as her eyes took on a far off look, almost as if she mentally went back in time.
Arizona was scared to death to relive that day. She had only talked about it in therapy and could already feel herself detaching, doing her best to keep the fear and panic she felt on that day from invading her emotions. Her voice was eerily calm when she recounted, "I was doing my daily rounds when pagers started going off everywhere. I looked up to see April standing in the doorway and she waved me out of the room. I could tell something was wrong by the look on her face and she said, 'Uh, Arizona…I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it, there's been a plane crash in Seattle.' I remember…well, nothing really, just certain parts. I went on autopilot. I got the details and of course the majority of victims were from a yoga class for pregnant women…" She stopped, let out a rueful laugh which caused goosebumps to form on Callie's skin, and continued, "Ironic right? Like karma just had to rub it all in my face at once." Callie wasn't sure what that comment meant exactly, so she stayed quiet and listened. Arizona looked down at her plastic and metal leg and continued, "The surgeon kicked in and I barked out commands, made sure everything was in order, went to the pit, and the first thing I saw was a man with a severed leg. I thought I could do it…I thought I could just be the surgeon, I had to just be the surgeon, when I saw that though, I couldn't…I wasn't the surgeon, I was the plane crash survivor and I just…it all hit me then and I, I couldn't fight it, I couldn't keep it inside…I went into a storage closet and hid." She looked up then and saw Callie staring at her with an odd expression on her face, then watched as the tears began to form in her eyes.
I can't…be that person for Arizona. It's not my place…anymore. The guilt hit Callie so hard and so fast that she felt as if she were going to throw up and pass out. It wasn't lost on her that, in all likelihood, she was saying those exact words while Arizona was hiding in a closet alone. She knew fighting the tears was useless, so she let them fall. It was strange, Arizona thought, how she wanted to comfort Callie in that moment. Instead, she continued, "Grey found me, she'd looked all over the hospital for me. We sat there, holding each other's hands, saying over and over again, 'It's not us, we are okay, it's not us.' I don't know how long we were there, but our surgeon instincts finally kicked in again and we left and did what we do best. I kept moving, putting one foot in front of the other, reminding myself to breathe like I had so many times since the crash. I focused on my patients, I tried not to think about why they were there, and Karev followed me around like a damn security guard. I even yelled at him for it." She laughed again, that hollow laugh that was almost haunting. Callie could hear the lack of emotion, inflection, in her voice and started to realize it was a coping mechanism so she could get through this without breaking down. She watched as Arizona shook her head, and continued, "When it was all over and I started feeling normal again…or, or thought I did, I found him and apologized. That's when he told me. He told me why he was acting that way, he told me he was responsible, he felt responsible for me." Callie's breath hitched and the bile rose to her throat once again as her eyes fluttered closed. An unexplainable anger washed through her, not at Karev, but at herself, she felt something trying to break through her jumbled thoughts, but it was stuck and she couldn't shake it free.
Arizona ran her hand down the cold titanium rod, wrapping her fingers around it, almost finding comfort in the fact that it was there, and explained, "I didn't know it then, but I understand now that I went on autopilot again. Strange how that's the phrase I keep using given the situation isn't it? Anyway, I don't think I let him finish explaining. I told him thank you and I went to find you. I don't even…is it weird that I wasn't mad? I mean it's weird right? I found you and you told me why you kept it from me and I…I said thank you to you too." Callie cleared her throat and replied, "You did." She was starting to understand now why the whole conversation went as seamless as it did. Arizona was already checked out. Watching her intently, listening to how she made little quips or asked odd questions without waiting for an answer, she wondered if the blonde hadn't done the same now. Leaning forward, hoping to bring her back to the present, keep her engaged, she quietly asked, "What happened then Arizona?" Relief washed over her when Arizona's head snapped up to look at her and the distant haze cleared from her eyes. That feeling was short-lived, however when those gorgeous ocean blue eyes filled with so much guilt, regret, remorse, and pain, Callie almost couldn't bear it.
Callie's question reminded Arizona why she was telling the story in the first place, how those events led to the one she had yet to explain, and those feelings, the ones she carried with her every day since then, began to resurface. She closed her eyes briefly and tried to stay present as she quietly revealed, "When I walked away from you, the things you said, they resonated with me. You knew I would hate you Callie and though I never could, I also never gave you reason to believe otherwise. The further I got from you, the more I thought about it…I don't know. Everything, all of it, every angry word, every accusation, every…God damn thing I did to you…it felt like I was being attacked, there was a battle raging in my body and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I went straight to my office, shut and locked the door, sat at my desk and I…I was going to write you a letter. I was going to…"
Callie could see how agitated Arizona was becoming, her mind had gone back to that day, but there was something about her tone. She sounded so distraught, the words were flying from her mouth as if she couldn't get them out fast enough and her eyes…they were darting all over the room, searching but empty. When Arizona rubbed at her left thigh, she wondered if she was starting to feel phantom pain from getting so worked up, or if she was recalling the pain she felt that night. She was broken from her thoughts when Arizona continued, "I needed a pen...and paper. I opened the drawer to find them and, and I did, but the pen wouldn't write and it took me forever to get the paper out of the package then…the pain. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again, my eyes, I couldn't see because I was crying so hard, then my leg, it was on fire and felt like it just happened. I just…I needed... I had to tell you how sorry I was for everything I did to you." Tears were running down her cheeks and all she could see, feel, or hear, was what happened in that office a little over a year ago. Arizona felt the same anxiety coming back and was certain she was on the verge of a panic attack. She hopped out of the chair, went to the window and stared at Callie's car. Callie was here, Callie was listening, Callie wouldn't let anything happen to her. She kept her gaze fixed on Callie's car and reminded herself to breathe. She counted to ten, inhaled through her nose, exhaled through her mouth like she had been taught, and waited for her heart to stop pounding in her chest before she continued.
Callie watched Arizona closely, she could sense her panic, and wondered if she should cut off the entire conversation when the blonde seemed to internally talk herself down and continued in a much calmer tone, "I was sitting at my desk. At first, I couldn't think of the right words, so I started to make a list, but I, the pen wouldn't work right…instead I made tally marks, I thought of everything I did, everything from the moment I got on that plane and I would make a mark for it and…and I woke up in a hospital, Miranda was sitting next to me holding my hand." Callie furrowed her brow; she still didn't understand what this had to do with Arizona cutting herself. Did it become so overwhelming that she just couldn't take anymore and tried to…no, Arizona said she didn't try to kill herself. Finally she admitted, "I don't get it, I thought…"
Arizona blew out a deep breath, she knew it was time, so she turned, walked to the couch, sat next to Callie, removed her leg, and traced the barely visible scars, the permanent physical reminders of all her wrong doings. She knew Callie or anyone else who saw them would only see lines, but they were the tally marks she'd made. While Miranda said she was nearly catatonic, she remembered being so inwardly focused, hyperaware of what she was doing. She could look at each line and recall exactly which mark stood for which sin against her wife, which crack it caused in her wife's heart until she finally shattered it to pieces. Callie's gaze dropped to Arizona's thigh, right below the hem of her shorts, and followed the small pale hand as it traced a series of thin white lines ranging in length, all going in the same diagonal direction and listened while Arizona explained, "I didn't find a pen Callie. I found a scalpel and I couldn't get to the paper because there was none, it was my residual limb and it was covered by my pants and prosthetic. I thought I was writing on paper with a pen, that's why the pen wouldn't write, I was cutting my skin with the scalpel, that's why my leg was burning." Arizona stopped then, looked up to gauge her ex-wife's response, waiting for another outburst, when all she saw was tear-filled eyes swirling with emotion.
Deciding to get the last of it out, Arizona finished, "Miranda told me that Alex told her about my leg and she was coming to check on me. She knocked and I didn't answer, she said she could hear me moving around or something and let herself into my office. She found me sitting behind my desk, I had cut off my pants, apparently threw my leg across the room, and I was cutting lines into my leg. I didn't say anything, I didn't talk, I didn't respond, I just kept cutting. I still don't know how she did it, but she got me out of the hospital and took me to Tacoma where a friend of hers worked at a psychiatric hospital. She told everyone she sent me to a conference. She was the one sending texts from my phone to you and Sofia." Callie knew Arizona had continued talking, but she could only stare at Arizona's leg. She could see the tallies and realized that while Arizona hadn't tried to kill herself, she subconsciously tattooed her skin so she would forever have to carry that guilt, that pain, around with her. She swallowed thickly, wiped the tears from her eyes, and tried to count the number of things Arizona held against herself, the behaviors she took responsibility for and couldn't help but wonder what they all meant. Feeling raw and exposed, Arizona quickly donned her prosthetic and waited for whatever response or reaction she would get after that entire explanation.
Needing some space, Callie stood up, walked to the other side of the room and wondered, not for the first time that day, if something she said could have stopped that. If something she did… Looking up, she stated quietly, "I caused that. I did that. Alex begged me to watch out for you that day and I…I just couldn't…it wasn't my place…I wasn't that person. If you would have known, if I would have told you before…I just, I knew…I knew you'd hate me and you needed him, you needed a person…you needed…" "YOU! I needed my wife Callie. I always just needed my fucking wife. Not my doctor, not a martyr who kept this secret from me, but my fucking wife!" Arizona nearly screamed from across the room. She'd replayed Callie's words from that night over and over in her mind, but never once had this thought occurred to her until she heard them again. What she'd said was true though, she just needed Callie and from the moment she woke up without a leg, her worst fears had come to fruition. Her wife didn't love her enough.
Callie froze at Arizona's outburst. She turned slowly, looked into cerulean blue eyes shooting daggers at her, bare pink lips formed into a firm straight line, alabaster skin taut over a clenched jaw, nostrils flaring, hands balled into fists, and as her own words registered in her mind, her anger bubbled to the surface as well. The same anger she felt from before, the same anger that had no name, that couldn't fight its way through her jumbled thoughts. Now she knew…she knew she was on the verge of realizing that very same thing. Arizona didn't need just anybody, she didn't need Karev, she needed her wife. Thinking back to that time, right after the amputation, she tried to reconcile Arizona's words now with her actions then. She recalled how Arizona wouldn't even look at her, wouldn't acknowledge her presence some days and though something inside her told her it was a bad idea, she argued, "You didn't even want me around Arizona, you wouldn't look at me, you wouldn't talk to me…" Arizona threw up her hands, stomped away and yelled, "I DIDN'T WANT ME AROUND CALLIE! You…you were so upset that Mark died, so angry that I couldn't just snap out of it and be there for you…my pain, it didn't even phase you. You cut off my leg…in my mind…back then…that's what I knew. Every time I looked at my leg, I saw you standing over me with a saw, my face draped like I was any other patient, like I…like I was NOTHING…and you fucking cut off my leg! So no, I didn't want to be around you, I didn't want to be around me, I didn't want to exist Callie because I couldn't be who you needed. You needed Mark, you needed someone with two legs who could take care of you and Sofia, who could be there for you, protect you, love you. I couldn't even love myself and knew for certain you couldn't love me if you could cut off my leg."
Callie reared back like she had been slapped, she opened her mouth to say something, and the nausea she'd been fighting all day finally won out. She slapped her hands over her mouth and ran into the bathroom, emptying her stomach of what little contents that remained, along with all the acid and bile that had been churning within since this conversation started. Once she no longer felt nauseous, Callie flushed the toilet, went straight to the medicine cabinet to find the mouthwash, stood over the sink rinsing her mouth out while she washed her hands and face, then looked into the mirror. She was pale, her eyes were red from crying, and her chest hurt so badly she could swear her heart had broken into a million pieces. She remembered just feeling relieved that Arizona hadn't intended to kill herself when she learned something even worse, many, many things even worse. Arizona didn't even want to be alive, she didn't think her wife wanted her alive, she thought…Fuck, she thought she'd rather have Mark…again, fucking Mark. Worst of all, she'd allowed her wife to think she was the person who cut off her leg. In trying to help her, she hurt her more.
She looked down at her shaking hands and as much as she just wanted to run out that door, she knew…she knew she had to stay, they needed this conversation. They'd both already shared more in the past hour than they had in years. Standing upright, Callie put her hand on the doorknob, preparing herself for battle, then stopped when she realized that was the last thing they needed. They needed to calm themselves, they needed to talk and listen and though she really wanted to go out there guns blazing and defend herself; she knew it would do no good and if she were being honest, she needed answers to what Arizona said more than she needed to shift blame. She was finally starting to see that this wasn't all one sided and they both had a hand in everything going so horribly wrong.
Arizona turned in time to see the color drain from Callie's pain-filled face, watched as she ran to the bathroom, and closed her eyes in disgust at herself when she heard the other woman vomiting. Running her hand through her hair, she continued to pace the living room and only became more angry at herself for blowing up. She was determined not to allow this to turn into a screaming match, and that's exactly what she did. This was not at all what she'd rehearsed with Ginnie and nothing was coming out as it should. Every time she opened her mouth, she just hurt Callie more. Why couldn't she stop hurting her? Why was this so fucking hard? Hearing the toilet flush, then the water run, Arizona was almost certain that Callie would come out of the bathroom and walk straight out the door and that would be the end of any further conversation, the friendship they were building, and any chance Sofia had at some semblance of a family. Turning her back so she wouldn't have to watch, she dropped her head into her hands, shook it back and forth, and muttered, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Hearing the bathroom door open, Arizona waited for the front door to open and close but it didn't and after complete silence for a few minutes, she turned to see Callie standing in the doorway leading from the hall studying her closely.
While she expected the fight to continue, knew Callie had every right to defend herself, she was surprised when her ex-wife crossed the room, picked up her now cold coffee, walked into the kitchen to refresh it, then returned and sat on the sofa, silently sipping her drink while apparently waiting to see what she was going to do. Arizona swallowed, unsure what exactly she should say or do in that moment, so she followed Callie's lead, refreshed her coffee, then returned to her seat on the overstuffed chair. When she finally sat down, Callie started, "You said a lot." Arizona shook her head and suggested, "I didn't say it the right way. I didn't say any of this…nothing is coming out like I wanted it to." Callie nodded in understanding and replied, "That happens a lot with us." Instead of responding, Arizona took a sip of her coffee and wondered how to make amends for what was already said. Setting her cup down on the table, she started, "Callie, I'm really…" Callie held up her hand and offered, "Don't apologize for what you said Arizona, not yet. You said a lot and while I may disagree, they were your feelings. I can't argue with what you felt and I don't want to. I spent enough time putting words in your mouth and telling you that you shouldn't feel how you felt. I have some questions though." Arizona nodded and waited for Callie to begin.
Uncertain where to begin herself, Callie suggested, "Let's go back to that day." Arizona's eyes fluttered closed, she thought about what was being said before her outburst and recalled, "You said you caused it, but in truth, none of this was your fault. What happened to me, what I did to myself, it was going to happen, it was a long time coming and that day…the entire day…it was just the catalyst. Nothing you said or did or didn't do, could have stopped that from happening. Ginnie said she was surprised it didn't happen sooner, over the past year though, when we started digging, we realized it had, multiple times." Callie looked up at Arizona and it was only then that things started coming together for her. She'd completely missed it earlier because she was so hung up on the other part, You met a patient today, Dr. Ginnie Dettlof, right hand amputee. Ginnie is my therapist. She specializes in PTSD. I've been seeing her for a little over a year now. PTSD. Arizona had PTSD. Of course she did! Why the fuck wouldn't she and how the fuck had she missed that? She worked with patients who suffered from PTSD on a daily basis but she couldn't see it in her own wife. Callie leaned forward with her elbows resting on her knees, held her head in her hands, and let the guilt and shame wash over her once again. She hated herself for not seeing it, not thinking it, not doing something about it. Without realizing she was thinking aloud, Callie muttered, "PTSD…I should have caught it. I…how."
Feeling much calmer, more in control of her emotions, Arizona quietly confirmed, "Yes, PTSD and yes…WE should have caught it. Someone should have caught it. None of us did." Callie's head snapped up and she recounted, "Mer, Grey, she said…a couple of weeks ago, she said the mental trauma, it changed all of you and…and I knew that…I knew, but she also said, when you all got back, no one ever said another word about it. They just…we all…we tried to go on with life as normal. I mean, there was, we all had to get clearance after the shooting from that shrink, but nothing was offered, required after the crash, and…and…but I lived with you, I should have caught it." Arizona shook her head and answered, "You see it in your patients everyday Callie because it's something you look for, but it's not something you WANT to see in your wife. I don't want to be harsh and I'm not placing blame, but you did, you wanted to go on with life as normal and I…my life wasn't normal. But it wasn't your fault." Callie furrowed her brow in confusion and argued, "Earlier though, you just said it was…if I hadn't lie…" Arizona cut her off with the shake of her head and asked, "Can we start that whole conversation over again? I'm not asking you to forget what I said, nor to forgive me for saying it, but if I may, I'd like to do it better this time." Callie puffed out her cheeks, blew out a loud breath and even though she wasn't sure she could handle it, she nodded her head in agreement.
Arizona stood up and went to the window again. She focused on Callie's car and started, "The marks on my legs, I could tell you what each one stood for, even to this day. I was in the midst of a breakdown, but I was still lucid enough to know what was happening. When I think back to that two years before our divorce, especially right after the accident, that's how my whole life felt. I was lucid enough to function, but I wasn't fully aware of everything happening around me. That's part of what PTSD does. That's not an excuse. I know that. It's not an excuse for any of my behaviors." She turned, looked Callie in the eye to make sure she understood the truth in her words and declared, "I won't hide behind PTSD or depression, I am prepared to take full responsibility for everything, all of it. I just…I know now, those things were factors and while they didn't cause the decisions I made, they often hindered my ability to think clearly, to make the right choices." Callie understood in that moment what Arizona was saying, she wasn't going to sit back and say it was all because of her PTSD and all should be forgiven. She nodded once to let Arizona know she was heard, then waited for her to continue.
Arizona turned to look back out the window and started carefully, "When I woke up without my leg…I…I was in shock, I was devastated." Callie interjected, "You were angry." Arizona nodded and confirmed, "I was angry. God, I was so angry." Callie added, "At me, because I broke my promise." Arizona shook her head and replied, "No, at you because you were the orthopedic surgeon and you cut off my leg. You never negated that fact. It's like I said earlier Callie, I woke up without a leg and every time I looked at it, looked at you, I could only see you standing over me on an operating table with my face draped, holding a bone saw in your hand cutting my leg off. I just…I couldn't understand how you could say you loved me, how I meant so much to you and you just…you were able to take a piece of my body from me, a leg that you'd worshiped with your mouth, your hands, your eyes, so many times over the years and just…throw it on a tray knowing it was going to be turned to ash." Arizona was sobbing now; tears were streaming down her cheeks and she could barely catch her breath. She nearly doubled over in pain and that made her cry even more as all she could see through her blurred vision was two mix-matched legs.
"Oh God!" Callie whispered as she covered her mouth with her hands once again. She could see it now too, in fact, she was almost certain she would never unsee it. Arizona carried that vision, that idea, that worry with her for three years. She could taste the salt of her own tears and while it was true she'd never denied cutting off her leg, she'd never confirmed it either, and suddenly other moments, other comments Arizona made, flippant sarcastic quips, angry attacks, made so much sense. She knew it may not be the right time to argue either semantics nor logistics, but she opened her mouth to do just that when Arizona beat her to it. The blonde sat down beside her and quietly asked, "Didn't you ever wonder why I never questioned it Callie? I mean, you know me, I'm an extremely intelligent person, highly ethical when it comes to my profession, but not once did I think to ask why anyone, our friends, would stand back and allow you to operate on your own wife. I mean, you are stubborn as hell, but they never would have let that happen and if you had tried we both know you would have gotten fired. How could I even think that? How could I question it, much less believe it? Yet it took me nearly three years and Alex's confession to understand it is something you never could have done." Arizona shook her head at her own ignorance. She had no idea…well, she did now, but still, that should have been a big red flag to both of them.
Callie looked down at her hands and knew without a doubt that she'd rather cut off her own hands than Arizona's leg. She couldn't get the question out of her head though and softly asked, "Why did you then? Why did you believe it and what…what made you think I didn't love you…even if I could do it, which by the way, just the thought of it makes me physically ill, but…I, I need help understanding Arizona." Arizona rubbed at her own face and admitted, "That's one of those times Callie, my mind was clouded by trauma, the PTSD had fully settled in by then and there were certain things, that being one of them, that I couldn't get past. It's not that I wanted to think badly of you, it's that…again, this isn't your fault, I understand your reasoning, but you didn't say it wasn't you who cut off my leg and I just…despite all logic, I accepted it as truth." Callie looked at Arizona, she could see how she was chewing the inside of her cheek that there was more and carefully prompted, "What else." Arizona took a deep breath and shook her head; she knew this too could very well have been the trauma.
Looking up to catch Callie's eye, Arizona asked "Do you remember the sinkhole accident?" Callie put her fingers on the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, and tried to remember the details of the accident beyond what a mess the residents made of it and finally asked, "The man and wife who got caught in the sinkhole? She was stuck and the only way to get them out was…" She faded off as her memories invaded her mind. Not memories of the event itself, but of the conversation afterward.
Callie walked out from the bathroom; her eyes still cloudy with tears as she flopped on the bed face down next to Arizona. Rubbing her wife's back, Arizona asked quietly, "Talk to me Calliope, you've been quiet all day." Callie turned over on her back and immediately threw her arm over her eyes so Arizona couldn't see her, couldn't see what a monster she was, and revealed, "I'm an asshole. I'm the biggest hypocritical bitch on the planet Arizona. They were…they were stuck in a sinkhole and I was trying to walk a man through the amputation of his wife's leg. He kept screaming that he couldn't do it, he loved her too much. He started, then he stopped and Hunt told him to drape her face. I kept pressuring him and telling him he could do it. I even argued with Hunt when the guy refused." Arizona interrupted, "You were just trying to save their lives Callie." Callie shook her head and argued, "No, he couldn't do it because it was his wife and he loved her so much, he didn't…he didn't want to hurt her and…God Arizona, if that were you…fuck, I'm an orthopedic surgeon and I know damn well I couldn't cut off your leg. I love you so much, just like he loves his wife, I could never, but I was asking him to do it."
Without waiting for Arizona to respond, Callie sobbed, "You thought…you thought I was the one who cut off your leg and, and if I did that, if I could do that…I didn't love you anymore." Arizona's lip quivered as she watched Callie break down at that realization. The absolute disbelief and hurt in her eyes was more than enough to convince Arizona how wrong she had been, how blinded by pain and anger she had become. Finally putting all the pieces from their earlier conversation together, Callie concluded, "You weren't mad that I broke my promise, you were angry that I made the cut, you thought I didn't love you anymore, you…you thought…Arizona, did you really mean what you said? You didn't want to be around? You wanted to be dead?"
A/N: Wow! I never would have expected your reactions. We all know this is a long conversation and will take a lot of time for them to work through, so we aren't even close to finished here. But this felt like a good place to stop. The next chapter is almost finished if that helps any.