Upon hearing Callie's question, her voice laced with so much pain, so much heartache, Arizona slowly lifted her head to look her ex-wife in the eyes. Seeing the forlorn expression on her face, in that moment, she realized she wasn't seeing her ex-wife, Callie wasn't asking a random question about their past, she was asking as if they were still in that moment, wondering how her wife could choose death over living for her, for their daughter. In that very moment, the darkness she'd fought for so long, the desolation she felt during those first days, weeks, months, rolled over her in waves and she couldn't fight the tears stinging the backs of her eyes, threatening to fall as she prepared herself to speak the truth only her therapist knew. The truth that would only serve to hurt Callie even more.
The tears already running down blotchy red cheeks gave Callie the answer she feared. Though Arizona had said as much earlier, she'd hoped it was said in anger, just an outburst that she would now take back. But when Arizona hung her head and sighed, she knew the truth, she knew she had honestly wished she were dead and could feel her heart breaking all over again for the emotional pain her wife was feeling at that time, as well as the anger at herself for not seeing it, not recognizing what was so blatantly clear now. Not realizing she was speaking her thoughts aloud, Callie inferred, "That's why…whenever I argued that I saved your life, that's why you got so angry at me…you didn't want to be alive." Her words were choked out on a sob and she did her best to keep her head up, to keep the anger and the anguish that was churning within, at bay long enough to hear Arizona's response.
Taking a deep breath, Arizona allowed herself to go back to that time she rarely thought about; the four awful days that existed only in her nightmares. She slowly exhaled and admitted, "At first, no. While we were lying on the ground…Mark…he was dying, his head was resting on my leg and I kept pounding on his chest and yelling at him that he had to stay alive. WE…we had to stay alive, that you and our daughter needed us, you were waiting for us. I remember…that's all I remember feeling Callie, was how badly I wanted to come home to you. Mark was dying on me, I was coughing up blood, my leg…it didn't even hurt anymore…it had gone numb…or maybe it hadn't, maybe the pain was just so constant I didn't even register it. I could feel myself fading in and out, but I refused to give up, I just wanted you, I wanted my wife. I kept telling Mark he was going to hold Sofia again and he…he kept calling me roller girl, he told me we were going to buy Sofia some wheelie sneaks just like mine and drive you crazy rolling up and down the hall." She let out a little laugh followed by a sob as she realized that was one of the last conversations she'd ever had with Mark other than screaming at him to live.
Callie hung on Arizona's every word, though Meredith had told her much the same thing, hearing it from Arizona's mouth, finally hearing in her own words what those days were like for her, were both heartbreaking and somehow healing all at the same time. The idea that Arizona did fight and she fought for her, to come home to her, it meant the world to her even now. Not wanting to interrupt, to lose the opportunity to hear just a snippet of what happened on that mountain, Callie sat still, stayed as quiet as she could and waited, wondering how and when it all changed. Arizona blinked as if to clear the memory from her mind and continued, "Even in the hospital in Idaho, I wouldn't…I just wanted to come home Callie. They wanted to cut it off then and I withheld consent. I told Owen to bring me home, that you would know what to do." She watched as Callie's eyes clouded over with guilt, a guilt she'd caused all because of that stupid promise.
When I finally made it back, I…it was overwhelming. I thought I'd never see you and Sofia, hold you in my arms again and you were there, we were together, yet I was so scared. I knew there wasn't a plan, I knew…deep in my heart I knew what was going to happen and suddenly our future, all of our hopes and dreams, they just, they started fading away and I couldn't see them anymore. Everything was so uncertain and…I was…I was in hysterics Callie. I needed a plan. That's why…God I was so wrong, I know that now, but that's why I asked you to promise me. I'm so sorry I did that, I'm so sorry I put you in that position Callie." Swallowing thickly, Callie fought back the tears as all the memories from those days right after Arizona arrived back in Seattle rushed forth. She closed her eyes, swiped her hand down her face, and became angry all over again, at herself, at Hunt, at everyone who could look at Arizona and think she was okay…emotionally. Arizona wasn't hysterical, well, she was but only because she was still in shock. Shaking her head, Callie argued, "I promised you because you were my wife and you were there, and I could touch you and hold you and kiss you and I would have promised you the world if it were mine to give." Arizona nodded in understanding, she knew that now, she knew Callie was helpless, just as helpless as she was.
Maintaining eye contact for a moment longer, both of them powerless to look away, understanding that with just a few words, they had started the healing process. Arizona apologized for begging Callie to make that promise and Callie admitting she would have made it anyway. To one, it was healing to have received an apology, to the other, it was further proof that her wife never stopped loving her, never gave up on her. Arizona's gaze dropped to her left leg, the silicone and titanium a stark reminder of where this conversation was headed, then looked up, off into the distance, over Callie's shoulder, and admitted, "The first time I felt that way, like I wished I had died on that table, was right after I woke up and realized I didn't have my leg. So many things, so many fears, so many realizations went through my head and I…I couldn't stop them. I felt like it would have been better for everyone if I had just died. If I died and Mark lived, I prayed for that actually…he, he wasn't gone yet and, and I was…I was …useless, I couldn't be what you and Sofia needed. She deserved two whole parents…you…you deserved…everything I could no longer give you. I couldn't but Mark could. I could only see all the things I would never do again." Tasting the salt from her tears, Arizona stopped to fruitlessly wipe away the never-ending cascade that flowed down her cheeks and chanced a glance at Callie who was crying just as hard as she was, shaking her head back and forth in disagreement, disbelief, denial, she wasn't sure which.
There it was again, Callie thought, Arizona's insecurity that she would never measure up to Mark, that she couldn't even try with one leg. There was so much she wanted to say, to argue, but she held her breath, counted to ten, and shook her head trying to fight the hurt, the pain Arizona's words were conjuring. When Callie made no attempt to speak, Arizona continued, "I could only see the things I'd never get to do or never get to do again. I wouldn't be able to teach Sofia how to skate, I'd never run alongside her when she learned to ride a bike without training wheels, I'd never run or skate at all, I'd never stand in an O.R., I'd never walk up behind you and wrap my arms around you, we'd never dance together, we loved dancing together and it…it was all gone. All I could see was how you'd have to do everything for me. Sofia…our daughter would grow up…instead of learning how to ride a bike, she'd be learning how to push her mommy in a wheelchair and bring me things I couldn't reach. I was a burden Callie. The only thing I could comprehend was how much of a problem I would be to you, to Sofia, to…everyone. Then I just knew if you could cut off my leg…how could you even love me anymore? I'd never, we'd never…how could you want me again…physically…or at all? You love sex…we, we loved sex and I couldn't even give you that. I couldn't be a wife to you, a real wife. That's why…that's why I got so mad when you said that you saved my life. What kind of life was it, for you, for Sofia? At that time, I couldn't see a life for me, for us, and you are so noble, so loyal, there's no way you would have divorced me, so…you were stuck and yes, Callie, I thought we'd all be better off." Arizona's last words were said on a sob and she dropped her head on her knees, allowing the desolation she felt at that time to wash over her and let it all out in the form of tears and gut-wrenching cries.
Callie's head snapped up when she heard that word…that one word, of all the other things Arizona just said, that one word sounded the loudest, the most painful. STUCK. You were stuck. Then her own words rang out loud and clear as well. I don't want you to be stuck with someone who feels stuck. In that moment, she wondered if that's where Arizona's mind went in Dr. Dawson's office, if she went back to those days where she wanted to die because she didn't want her wife to be stuck. It was then that the realization dawned, everything, all of it, the broken promise, Mark, the amputation, the cheating, even the divorce, in Arizona's mind, it was all connected and it did indeed always come back to the leg. Speechless once again, knowing she couldn't dispute how Arizona felt at that time or now, Callie knew all she could do was speak her own truth, tell her own side of it.
Clearing her throat, she admitted, "I didn't…I should have…God, how did I miss it? It was right there." Shaking her head, Callie tried again to say what she really wanted to say and revealed, "I know…I know how you feel is how you feel, I can't tell you it was wrong. I would have, I mean, I did, over and over. I never realized that I was minimizing your feelings, making you go deeper into yourself, making you feel like…like I didn't hear you. It's just, that's not how it was for me Arizona. That's not what it looked like for me." Seeing one eye peek out from under a trembling hand, Callie knew that she was being heard. Knowing she was taking a chance, she slid from her place on the sofa, knelt on the floor beside Arizona, put her hand on her right ankle, just to form some sort of connection, to feel that this moment was real, that they were both here, and took a minute to think about what she needed to say, hoping Arizona could hear her this time.
In a soft quiet voice, she started, "Arizona, I know you don't believe this and at the time, I gave you no reason to…we've already talked about that, but you and Sofia were my whole world. When I found out your plane was missing…God, I nearly lost my mind. My friends were on that plane too, but the only person I could think about, the only one I cared about coming home to me was you. I need you to understand that, to know that Arizona. For days…four long days, I didn't know if I was a widow, I didn't know if you were alive or…I didn't know if you were in pain…all I knew was you needed me and I couldn't be there for you and, God Arizona, I just needed you to be alive. To me…it didn't matter what that looked like as long as you were living and breathing and coming home to me. I couldn't…there's no way I could have survived if you…I couldn't imagine my world without you in it Arizona…I just couldn't. Even now, we are divorced, but we are co-parents and colleagues and I still get to see you every day, hear your voice, I know where to find you…and…and I do, sometimes I go to where you are just…just because, because I need to hear your voice, I need to know you are here, that you still exist. I think, I know that's why I got so upset and yelled at you earlier when you told me about hurting yourself, just the idea of you not…just, I still couldn't handle that loss Arizona." She sat back on her heels when Arizona lifted her head to look at her, to look in her eyes to see if she was telling the truth.
Nodding her head in confirmation, Callie took a deep breath, looked her directly in the eye, and continued, "I knew, I knew you'd probably lose your leg and I was doing everything in my power, but you were right Arizona, Hunt wouldn't let me near your case. I was allowed to offer ideas, but…he wouldn't let me work on you directly. I begged him…I told him I was already losing you and if they cut off your leg…I was afraid…I was afraid I'd never get you back. I ordered him to use a pin…I promised you, I just…I couldn't make that promise as a surgeon, I made that promise to my wife and I tried Arizona, I tried so fucking hard." Arizona could see that Callie's pain from those days, pain that had been lying dormant was far closer to the surface than even she knew. She closed her eyes and for the first time, allowed herself to see Callie's side of things. She never stopped to think about Callie or what she'd gone through, she even told Callie she hadn't lost anything in the crash…Apparently I lost you. Her breath hitched when those words took on an entirely new meaning. Callie had lost her; she knew she'd started losing her from the moment she gained her back. She didn't know what possessed her, maybe it was the need to prove she was still here, she had only been lost for a while, maybe it was the need for the comfort she'd never allowed herself to give or seek for so many years, but she reached for Callie's hand, relieved when it was not only offered, but their fingers were linked together as if Callie needed that connection in that moment as much as she did.
Knowing this may be the only chance she got to be heard, Callie continued, just letting the words and the feelings flow of their own free will, "When you went into septic shock and Karev came into the O.R. where I was operating on Derek and told me you were dying…I knew what you wanted Arizona, I knew and I'm sorry, but the alternative…I couldn't keep my promise because I would have been killing you and that…that thought destroyed me. So, two legs, one leg, that was far less important to me, than your kind, generous spirit, your loving, passionate, compassionate soul, your amazing magical smile, your brilliant mind, those things, those were the things I cared about, those were the things I was thinking about and I knew I risked losing all that too. I should have…I never told you and I should have told you, that's what I fell in love with Arizona, you…who you are inside and I should have told you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Then there was Sofia, she loves you no matter what, you're her mommy and I couldn't let her grow up without you in her life…and me, I wouldn't have…it would have broken me Arizona. It sounds selfish and maybe it is, but you lived and I…look at you now. It was hard, I know…and we…we lost so much, we lost each other, but you're here and Sofia has her mommy and…I just, I couldn't let you die and I hate that you wanted to, that you'd rather…" Callie's breath hitched and she started coughing as the words and tears caught in her throat. She was starting to hyperventilate and looked up at Arizona, emotion-filled onyx eyes wildly darting around, searching for something.
Arizona sat back on the arm of the sofa, pulled Callie's head into her lap, ran her fingers through her soft dark curls and could feel her instantly start to relax. Finding the movement soothing herself, she just whispered quiet words of reassurance, "It's okay. I'm here. I'm alive. It's okay." For long minutes afterward, the two women sat holding one another, only their quiet sobs filling the silence as they finally sought and gave each other comfort for the first time since a plane crashed on the side of a mountain in the forests of Idaho. Finally breaking the silence, Callie finished, "I didn't know how to tell you that Arizona, I didn't know…I didn't tell you Alex made the cut, but I…I didn't tell you I did either and as stupid as it sounds now, looking back, putting everything together, it never once occurred to me that you thought it was me. I thought…you hated me because I broke my promise. I wanted to be that person for you, I wanted to be your person, but I…I didn't think you'd want me to after… I swear to you though, I swear on my life Arizona, I never once stopped loving you and I never saw you as a burden. You were my miracle. You came back to me. I was ready and willing to do whatever I needed…I…" Her words trailed off when it all became too much, when everything she'd been feeling and never knew how to say just poured out of her mouth. Each of them completely unaware that as much pain and anguish as they were both feeling, somewhere deep inside, those wounds were starting to heal, the words the other spoke gave them a deeper understanding, further insight, a window to the other's soul that had never been opened to them before.
As Arizona listened to Callie's words, she wondered what she would have done if, God forbid, the roles were reversed. She knew damn well she'd rather have Callie alive and take care of her for the rest of her life, if the alternative was to lose her forever. Broken promise or not, she would have saved her wife's life and dealt with the consequences later and that's exactly what Callie had chosen to do. Unfortunately, Arizona herself didn't deal with those consequences the way she should have. She'd long since forgiven Callie for both the broken promise and for keeping the truth from her, but there were so many things she couldn't forgive herself for, not yet. She knew in that moment, it was time, it was time for her to absolve Callie of the guilt she was feeling, the blame she lay at her feet every chance she got and hoped it would be enough to allow her ex-wife to start healing, to be able to find forgiveness for herself.
Allowing herself just a moment more of this closeness, the intimacy she'd craved for so long, Arizona slid her hand to Callie's chin, tilted her head up to look at her and declared, "I see it now Callie, I've seen it for a long time and I'm just, I'm so sorry I didn't see it then, I haven't said anything until now. You need to know; this isn't on you Callie. None of this…" She waved her hand up and down her leg, then between the two of them and admitted, "It took me a long time to get here. A long time, a lot of therapy, and facing many, many hard truths and demons. But I need you to look at me and hear me when I say, I know I was wrong and I am so sorry that I couldn't see what you saw, I couldn't see what I was doing to you. You made the right decision Callie and I will forever be grateful to you for that. My biggest regret is that it took me so long to see it, it took losing you and well, nearly losing everything, to see that you did the right thing." Callie's eyes filled with tears and her heart, somehow she could feel the pain easing, the weight lifting from her shoulders upon hearing words she had convinced herself she would never hear. She could see the pain and guilt in Arizona's eyes, but more than that, she saw the truth of her words, heard the strength and conviction in her tone.
Arizona, caressed her face, making Callie's eyes flutter closed and if only for a brief moment, lean into the tender touch and listened as Arizona quietly stated, "I shouldn't have yelled it at you like I did, but you were the person I needed Callie. You've always been my person. You were right though, I didn't show you that, in fact, I showed you the exact opposite time and time again. I can't tell you if anything would have been different had I known you didn't make the cut, I…I wish I could. I understand though, I understand why you took the blame, why you didn't tell me who made the cut. I appreciate the fact that you were thinking of my emotional needs as well and I'm just sorry…" She stopped, shook her head and sobbed out, "I'm so sorry things weren't different, I'm so sorry I turned into the person I did." "You were hurting Arizona, you were suffering from the pain, the loss of your leg, you were drowning in depression and PTSD and…" Callie argued, then fell back on her heals when Arizona snapped out, "NO!" Looking up in surprise, Callie watched as Arizona's gorgeous blue eyes filled with anger and she adamantly declared, "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to give me an out." Callie started to open her mouth, to say what, she wasn't sure, but Arizona sat up and turned to face her, apparently preparing to explain her outburst.
Arizona knew the hardest part of this conversation was yet to come and she couldn't allow Callie to let her off the hook. Running her hands through her hair, Arizona exhaled slowly and counted backward from five to let her anger at herself settle so it wouldn't come out sounding as if it were directed toward Callie. Getting to her feet, Callie could see the war waging within Arizona and worried that this would turn into another screaming match. She was caught off guard once again when Arizona softly apologized, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. This is…I can't hide behind those things Callie, no matter how much they influenced my behavior or my choices, I just…ultimately, it was all on me." Arizona stood, walked across the room to where the cluster of pictures hung on the wall. She took one down, walked back to the sofa and handed it to Callie. Taking the small frame, Callie couldn't help but smile when she saw the picture of the two of them sitting on some steps somewhere, holding Sofia between them, looking at her and smiling. She looked closer at the picture and saw that Arizona's gaze wasn't on their daughter, but on her and the expression on her face was filled with so much love and adoration, it caused a stabbing in her chest.
Looking up, she asked, "Why are you showing me this?" Arizona took the frame, placed it back on the wall and with her back turned, eyes still focused on the picture, explained, "The other day, you said this Arizona never would have cheated on you." The hitch in Callie's breath and the clearing of her throat was the only indication she received that she was being heard. Arizona lifted her hand to the picture, traced her own smile and revealed, "This Arizona, she wouldn't have done anything I did. She wouldn't have even responded in the same way to losing her leg. From the minute I woke up…I knew, that Arizona no longer existed. She started disappearing the minute I woke up screaming in pain with a part of a plane still embedded in my leg, the second I looked down and could see my own bones and muscles exposed to the environment." She turned, looked Callie in the eye and declared, "The Arizona you fell in love with and married never would have treated you the way I did. I abused you Callie. I verbally and emotionally assaulted you. Yes, I was traumatized, but the way I treated you, it's inexcusable, and God, I was so awful, I was unrecognizable to you, to myself, and I tried to fight my way back, I did. I would yell at you until you were forced to leave and I'd just cry because you didn't deserve it, I knew you didn't deserve it and I promised myself I'd do better, I'd be better, and somehow, somehow I was always worse. I shut you out completely Callie. I…wouldn't let you touch me, as my wife, as my doctor, as…anything. The most fucked up thing about it is…even though I was angry, even though I thought it was you who made the cut…I just…I wanted us to get through it together. Even while I was yelling at you, I just wanted you to hold me, but I couldn't ask…it was too much. I could hear you crying, I knew you needed someone too, I just…I didn't know how to be your wife anymore. I didn't know how to be that Arizona. This Arizona who…God I still loved you so much, I needed you so much but she…she was buried so far inside of me…"
Callie could hear the angst in Arizona's voice and wanted so badly to go to her, to comfort her, but she knew from her rigid posture, the tenseness in her tone, she'd only be turned away. Arizona was far too angry at herself to allow any comfort right now, to allow anyone to offer her any sort of empathy. Needing to move herself, Callie stood and walked to the window. As she stared outside, she noticed it had started to rain and focused on one single drop as it slowly slid down the glass while she contemplated what Arizona said. She knew some days felt like a living hell, but she didn't know if she'd go so far as to call her ex-wife's actions abusive. Keeping her focus on the droplet of water, she couldn't help but think of all the tears she'd shed in secret, all the pain she kept inside. She wondered if just once, if she had lost the battle with herself and gone to Arizona, put her arm around her and held her, fought her, for she knew her wife would fight it, she wondered if anything could have been different. Turning now, she saw the same tension in her ex-wife's body, the same warning signs, but this time, she ignored them, this time, she decided to see what would happen. Quietly crossing the room, she walked up behind Arizona, carefully placed her hand on her shoulder, and braced herself as the blonde threw herself at her and tightly wrapped her arms around her neck.
Arizona sighed in relief when she felt Callie approaching her, she knew she couldn't ask for what she needed, but she did need this, she needed it so badly. Unable to keep the words, the realizations, the apologies from falling out of her mouth, she sobbed, "I'm sorry Callie. I'm sorry I got on that plane, I'm sorry I caused all of this in the first damn place. All the anger I had, the hatred I carried for so long and spewed out on you and anyone else who came near me…it, I should have directed it at myself. None of this would have happened if I wouldn't have been so damn hot headed…and hurt…and scared. But I made it all a million times worse. It was your life too, but I never once recognized it, I never once acknowledged your pain. I didn't let you mourn Mark's death; I didn't let you talk to me about anything. How can I…How did I not see it? You lost a leg too! You lost…you lost everything that meant anything to you. I just…I didn't let you grieve, I didn't see…you lost me and you tried, you tried so hard to make…" "Shhh, stop Arizona, shhh." Callie tried to soothe but Arizona shook her head and pushed on, "I'm so sorry Callie. I'm so sorry. I devastated you; I destroyed us, obliterated our marriage and I…I'll never…I broke you, I suffocated you, I…I'm so sorry. It's not enough, it will never ever be enough…" Callie held on tighter than she could ever remember holding Arizona and her own dam of emotions broke free, allowing everything she'd kept hidden for so long to just flow from her as they held one another and finally grieved together over all the things they had lost.
Hearing Arizona repeat, "I know…it will never be enough…" Callie mentally argued, it was though, in her mind, in her heart, those words, words she'd longed to hear for years, words spoken with such remorse and regret, it nearly killed her, it broke her heart that Arizona felt so much pain, yet at the same time, she was acknowledging it, she was taking responsibility for it and she wasn't just offering the words as a gesture. It was more than enough and in that moment, that exact second, Callie understood, she knew, though she looked different, acted differently, Arizona, her Arizona had found her way back to the surface. That thought brought on another wave of pain as she realized she was no longer her Arizona. When their sobs finally subsided, they reluctantly, mutually pulled apart, Callie could see in those cloudy blue eyes what was coming next. Arizona knew what she had to do, what she had to say now, but they were both so raw in that moment. Closing her eyes, she asked, "What would you say to a little break?" She watched as her ex-wife instantly relaxed, then her face dropped almost in disappointment.
Shaking her head, Arizona was quick to clarify, "I'm not asking you to leave. I, we need to have this conversation, there's so much I need to say about this, but right now, our emotions are running high and…nothing has come out like I intended it to Callie and this part…I have to get this part right. I owe you that much. I just thought, maybe…It's well past dinner time and though I'm not sure I could eat, I could definitely use a shower and maybe both of us could use a few minutes alone." Callie wasn't sure what she expected, but this calm and controlled Arizona wasn't it. Realizing she had a point though, she agreed and asked, "Should I order something to be delivered?" Arizona smiled softly and instead of responding, she asked, "This is, this is okay with you?" Callie took a deep breath and answered, "I don't think I will ever be ready for this conversation, but experience tells me it's better if we aren't already emotional when we have it." She smiled back and asked, "How does Mexican sound?" Arizona chuckled and replied, "Amazing actually. I'm going to shower, help yourself to anything you want." Callie watched as Arizona walked down the hall, then collected their neglected coffee cups and went into the kitchen, dumped the cold liquid in the sink, and laughed out loud when she found all the take-out menus in the drawer next to the silverware just like in her own house and in their old apartment. She wasn't ready for this talk by far, but she was appreciative of the short reprieve and the opportunity to get her emotions in check.
A/N: I know, I know, I promise I'm not drawing it out on purpose. There's just so much and to be honest, writing this stuff really takes a toll on me emotionally. I keep going back to the show and try to get in touch with their emotions and watching those scenes again is heart wrenching.