Arizona leaned against the wall of her shower allowing the hot spray to pelt down on her skin and wash away her tears. She wasn't crying over the conversation they just had, but over the images flashing through her mind. Visions of a person who wore her face, yet she didn't recognize; a person who, thankfully, no longer existed, yet destroyed her life while she did. Arizona poured the shampoo into her hand, closed her eyes while she lathered up her hair, and wanted to scream as scene after scene played through her mind. She scrubbed harder as she watched herself turn and lock the door of a dark on-call room, sobbed when lightning flashed on her wife's face as they screamed at each other in an empty lounge, crumbled to the floor when she stood in front of her bathroom mirror, took off her necklace, and joined another woman in the shower she once shared with her wife. She only allowed herself a moment though, a moment of pain for her own actions, things she brought upon herself, because she knew the true victim was somewhere in the other part of her house, dreading this conversation just as much, if not more, than she was.
Pulling herself up off the floor, Arizona rinsed her hair, mindlessly continued the process of washing herself while mentally going through the things she had learned in therapy, the relaxation exercise, the fact that she needed to take responsibility, and most importantly, the understanding that Callie didn't have to forgive her, Callie shouldn't forgive her because what she did was unforgivable. Taking a deep breath, Arizona rinsed herself off, gathered her resolve, wrapped a towel around herself, grabbed her crutches, and carefully stepped out of the shower, hoping like hell the right words would come to her when it was time. She knew she was taking a little longer than she should to get dressed, but she also knew Callie was just as shaken as she was from their earlier conversation and hoped to give her some time to process and calm herself down as well. In the past, she knew Callie would have spent this time stewing and becoming more upset, but with each talk they've had, with each passing day, she'd seen more and more growth, more positive changes in her ex-wife, and as fearful as she was to have this talk, she was hopeful that Callie would at least stay and listen and it didn't turn into a screaming match full of blame and accusations.
After placing their order, Callie put the menu back in the drawer and looked around for something to keep her occupied when a thought occurred to her, something that kept coming back to her. She walked to the back door, opened it, and was instantly hit with the earthy scent of a fresh rainfall. Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to process the fact that she didn't need to keep herself occupied, unlike the break they took in the last days of their marriage, she needed to take this time that was given to her and think. Think about how she felt about everything Arizona just told her, think about how she really felt about the conversation that was to come, and most importantly, to think about what she needed to do with those feelings. She leaned against the doorjamb, watched as the rain became a slow drizzle, and realized that was how she needed to process these things, slowly, one thing at a time. If she thought about it all at once, it would overwhelm her like a heavy rainfall.
She listened as the wind picked up occasionally, causing the water to fall heavily from the tree in the back yard, and thought about Arizona's admission that she'd wanted to die after waking up without a leg. She wanted to be angry at her for not thinking of her and Sofia, for thinking that her not being around would somehow be better for either of them. In fact, though she didn't know Arizona's deepest secret, that she wished she had died, she had been angry at her, for not thinking about her and Sofia, for not just getting up and being herself. She hung her head and realized that was just another example of her pushing, trying to make things how she needed them to be. Very much like she told the doctor, Arizona's doctor, her patient, earlier. In that moment, the guilt washed over her like the water falling from the trees.
As she allowed more of her ex-wife's words to sink in, she started to understand why she would feel that way. In the same way Arizona always wanted her to be happy, kept letting her go to be happy, she felt this would be better in the long run, not that they would be happy without her, but so she wouldn't hurt them, wouldn't hinder them from being happy. Shaking her head, trying to make that make sense, she realized it wouldn't make sense, it would never make sense because Arizona's mind was clouded with a darkness neither of them realized, one neither of them knew how to deal with. As much as the blonde refused to allow her to blame the PTSD, she knew it played a bigger part in her wife's earlier responses than either of them could ever fathom.
Feeling a chill, Callie closed the door, walked into the living room, and stared at the pictures on the wall. She focused on the picture Arizona had shown her earlier and stared at it, trying to figure out how they got from there to here. She was certain they had made it through the toughest part once Arizona went back to work. What she didn't understand, what she couldn't wrap her head around, was the cheating, how it came about and how…how her wife could ever…she brought her hands to her face, exhaled slowly, and knew there was a piece she was missing. Her wife, her Arizona, the woman in that picture, looking at her like that, never would have done such a thing. Knowing that, realizing that fact, Callie wondered if that meant she had forgiven Arizona. The pain was still there but for the most part, the anger was gone. She just hoped, for both their sakes, after all the ground they had covered, the amends they had made for their previous wrongs, whatever was to come next, would be healing and they wouldn't end up back at square one, barely speaking to one another again. She'd never wanted that for them, it's not who they were, more importantly, it didn't feel like who they were becoming.
XXXX
Arizona emerged from her bedroom to the spicy scent of peppers and the sound of Latin music filling the air. She smiled to herself as she recalled the numerous times Callie would prepare one of her abuela's famous dishes or they would order in Cuban or Mexican food and she would always turn on this playlist and tell her the music had to match the food. Walking into the dining room, her smile brightened when she saw Callie dancing around her kitchen, taking out plates, pouring them both a beer, and singing along to the upbeat Spanish tune. Her heart clenched at the scene because it felt so familiar, yet seemed like it belonged in another lifetime. The life they lived before plane crashes and cheating. Clearing her mind of those thoughts for just a little bit longer, she took a moment to appreciate how gracefully Callie moved, how the music flowed through her body, and her heart clenched again, but this time for a completely different reason, this time it was desire she felt rather than sadness. Deciding it was best not to go down that road either, she moved further into the kitchen and laughed out loud when Callie turned with a churro sticking out of her mouth, glasses of beer in hand, and froze when she saw her.
When the food arrived, Callie decided they'd both do well with a change in mood and atmosphere, so she carried the bags into the kitchen, placed them on the center island, pulled out her phone, found her favorite Latin playlist and smirked, wondering if Arizona would say something like she always did. Digging into the bag, she pulled out the containers, set everything out, and almost surprised herself when she started dancing to the music. She couldn't remember the last time she danced, alone or with someone else, smiled to herself, and picked up a churro to nibble on, then went about gathering plates and found herself singing along to the music. She went to the refrigerator, found a couple of beers, set them down on the counter, took out two glasses, poured the beer, then realizing she still had the churro, stuck it in her mouth, turned, and froze when she saw Arizona standing in the doorway, her hair still wet, the curls hanging loosely framing her face, that beautiful fresh face, free of makeup, showing just a hint of a dimple, wearing a pair of grey sweat pants and an old oversized Hopkin's t-shirt. The same shirt she used to steal all the time because it was so soft and comfortable. She didn't know what she expected when Arizona said she needed a shower, but it wasn't this…her favorite version of Arizona, soft, comfortable, only reserved for home. To make things worse, the blonde just had to laugh, that loud, joyful laugh that made her eyes glow and did things to her that it shouldn't be doing.
Tilting her head, Arizona smirked and asked, "So do you listen to Chinese music when you eat Chinese food?" Expecting that exact question, Callie placed the glasses on the counter, bit down on the churro, grinned and replied, "I haven't found a Chinese station I like yet." Arizona snatched the churro from her hand, took a bite, and asked, "What about Italian?" Callie glared at her stolen treat, then at the blonde, and shrugged, "I'm not much for opera." Both women broke into giggles and Arizona declared, "You know your rule doesn't hold water." Callie reached into the cabinet by her leg, pulled out a colander, and replied, "Neither does this, yet you have one." Arizona bit back her laughter, shook her head, and asked, "It only took you how many years to come up with that response?" Callie snatched the churro back, popped the rest into her mouth, and answered, "Too many, but it made you laugh." While they made their plates, Arizona retorted, "Technically, I didn't laugh." Callie picked up her plate along with the container of chips and queso and accused, "You were just being difficult. You wanted to laugh; it was funny." Arizona did laugh then, picked up her plate, followed Callie into the dining room and conceded, "Okay, it was funny." Callie turned and smirked at her, then set her plate and chips on the table and returned to get their glasses.
Oddly, given the intense conversation they just had earlier, the two women ate in comfortable silence for the first few minutes, neither of them realizing just how hungry they were. Finally slowing down, Arizona picked up a chip, broke it in half, then dipped it into the container of queso. Callie laughed and shook her head at her ex-wife's actions and Arizona muttered, "Shut up! You know I don't double dip when I'm sharing." Callie rolled her eyes, took a bite of her chip, stuck it back into the container of cheese and declared, "We were married Arizona, sharing with me doesn't count." The blonde threw up her hands and whined, "I don't know the rules to these things. I was taught the basic etiquette, not the 'things you can and can't do with your ex-wife.'" Callie took a drink of her beer and stated, "I'm giving you permission to double dip." Arizona sagged in her chair and murmured, "Thank God! That just felt weird." Callie stared at her and asked, "Wait, so you wouldn't double dip because of proper etiquette, but you had no problem snatching my churro out of my hand and taking a bite?" Arizona shrugged and answered, "Rules are different when it comes to sweets. You know this." Callie chuckled, shook her head, and continued eating.
After a couple of minutes, Arizona started giggling, making Callie look up at her in question, and the blonde explained, "We had some really silly rules." Callie laughed, took a bite of her rice, and replied, "Yeah, but they were necessary." Arizona stared at her and declared, "Having two tubes of toothpaste was not necessary." Callie put down her fork and replied, "Oh my God, it so was, you always squeezed from the bottom and curled it up, it was unnatural." Arizona shook her finger and replied, "Oh, no, no, no. What was unnatural was squeezing it from the middle until the tube was so deformed you didn't even know what it was, and you still had to use mine because yours stopped coming out." Callie pointed at her and asked, "Okay, what about you could wear my socks but I couldn't wear yours?" Arizona's jaw dropped and she retorted, "Your feet are huge, you stretched them out, then they didn't fit me right." Callie argued, "Then how did my socks fit you just fine?" Arizona opened her mouth to argue, snapped it shut again, then mumbled, "They were just comfy." Callie picked her fork up, pursed her lips to hide her smile, and grumbled, "Mmhmm."
After taking a drink of her beer, Arizona asked, "Okay, what about, we always ask if the other wants the last of something, or we share, but you always ate the last piece of pizza without asking?" Callie tilted her head, and asked, "I could ask you the same thing about donuts, or cake, or cookies." Knowing that would shut her up for a minute, Callie continued eating and recalled, "The toilet paper rule was a good one." Arizona nodded, "That one was necessary." In unison, they both declared, "No matter what you are doing, if the other person calls out for toilet paper, you stop and bring it to them." They both broke into a fit of giggles at that. Then Arizona asked, "Oh do you remember your rule about arguing?" Callie defended, "That was a good rule!" Arizona smirked, internally agreed that it was a good rule, but in the end, got them nowhere and just to be arbitrary asked, "Never argue with your clothes on? Where did you even come up with that?" Callie shrugged and replied, "One day when you were yelling at me, all I could think about was how sexy you looked when you were mad, so…I made it a rule." Arizona laughed and replied, "It never solved anything, we always ended up in bed." Callie pointed out, "We stopped arguing." Arizona laughed, shook her head and proclaimed, "You're ridiculous." Callie asked, "I'm ridiculous? That whole rule came about because you were yelling at me for watching "our" show without you, which I wasn't, it just happened to be on the TV when I turned it on and went into the room to change." They both laughed at how silly they were, and Arizona commented, "Sof was right, we were funny together." Callie nodded and replied, "We did have a lot of fun. I like being silly with you." Arizona nodded in agreement and responded, "Yeah, I like it too."
After the conversation died down and they continued eating, Arizona felt a cramp in her leg, which made her remember why Callie was there in the first place, and quietly asked, "Callie, do you um…do you want to tell me about your trial?" Callie had just stuck a forkful of food in her mouth and wasn't sure if she could chew it now. Talk of her robotic limbs and her trial never went well. Seeing the look of fear in those dark chocolate soulful eyes, Arizona clarified, "You, um, you came by to tell me you'd restarted your trial, I just…I'd like to hear about it. If, if, um, if you want to tell me. It's okay if you don't. I get it." Callie started to chew her food slowly while contemplating what she should say. Her conversation with her patient earlier, the patient she now knew to be Arizona's therapist, was weighing heavily on her and she realized this was a good time to share what she'd been feeling for a while now, since her journey of self-discovery began. Swallowing the bite that felt like it dropped to her stomach like a piece of lead, Callie took a sip of her beer, and replied, "Yeah, I'd like to tell you about it."
Arizona could still see the hesitation, she wondered if Callie didn't know where to start, so she prodded, "Did you, um, did you just come over to tell me that you resumed your work?" Callie sighed heavily and explained, "I did. While I was speaking with the director, he was telling me how some shitty doctor at the VA started this trial and when things started going south, he disappeared. I got really pissed at that, I mean, I was mad on behalf of the vets, but I…" She trailed off, not knowing how Arizona would respond to the rest but the blonde finished for her, "You realized how you'd feel if that happened to me." Callie swallowed thickly, nodded, and continued, "Then I…this has never been, my robotic limb…um, it made me realize that I should tell you I started the trial again. I wanted to be honest with you and I know the timing, us just starting to talk things through…I didn't want you to think that I…I'm not trying to fix you Arizona. I, this is something I continued for me." Callie watched as the remorse and regret filled watery blue eyes and felt like she was fumbling.
Putting down her fork and wiping her mouth with her napkin, Callie pushed her plate aside and explained, "I feel like this is coming out all wrong." Arizona tilted her head in question, continued to pick at her food nervously, and listened as Callie continued, "When I first realized what I needed to do, that I needed to just step back and figure out who I am now, let go of who I was, it was that day I met Mer for dinner. She told me that I push too hard. We talked about it too, there were instances where I pushed through things to get back to normal, or sometimes to get what I wanted, and this…the robotic limb project, this was one of those times Arizona." Blue eyes lifted to brown and the blonde put down her fork and pushed her plate aside as well, letting her ex-wife know she had her full attention.
Callie took a deep breath and recalled part of their conversation from earlier and started again, "After you woke up without your leg, you were so angry, I saw my Arizona disappearing right before my eyes and I didn't, I didn't know how to handle that. You were always so strong, resilient, energetic, you skated, ran, bounced, skipped, or jogged to wherever you were going. You spent nearly eighteen hours on your feet at work some days. You said once, you woke up happy, you were always happy, and I…I didn't know how to make you happy anymore. I knew I could never replace what you lost, but I felt like…like, at first I felt like if I encouraged you to get fitted for a prosthetic and you started walking again, you'd feel…I don't know, more hopeful, like you could at least do some of the things you lost. But I realized, way too late, I wasn't being encouraging, I was pushing you. I was scared, I knew you hated me and I just…I was so, so scared of losing who you were. When you did start walking and Miranda convinced you to start consulting, then you fell…that's when I tried, that's when I wanted to see if I could, if I could simulate it, if I could…I don't know, give you something better than what was out there on the market, maybe you wouldn't feel like you lost so much. Maybe I could make you happy again." By this point, Callie had tears streaming down her face and she was sobbing uncontrollably.
Arizona stared at her ex-wife in disbelief, not in what she was saying, but in her own response to Callie's actions at that time. Looking at her now, how horrible she felt, the weight of the guilt she carried, Arizona knew, this too was part of her doing. She opened her mouth to say just that when Callie wiped her face, looked her in the eye and her tone was harsh when she said, "I see it now. I see why you thought I was trying to fix you…I pushed you Arizona. The night Mark died, I walked into our bedroom and told you to snap out of it. Miranda's wedding, you tried to tell me…God Arizona, you are one of the most…you tried to tell me you didn't want to be in the wedding, you weren't ready, what did I do? I yelled at you! I yelled at you about shoes and having sex and I minimized your emotional pain. I just…I didn't lie…you…you are one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, you're gorgeous, and…and I missed my wife. I missed who you were inside, I missed our emotional connection, our physical connection and I thought if I…I don't know what I thought…I just wanted my wife, but you weren't my wife anymore. That's what…God, listening to you today, it makes me so mad that I didn't see it!" She stood up and started pacing and asked, "How did I not see it?" She corrected herself, "But I did, I saw it, I saw that you weren't the same person, that this darkness had taken over, but…God Arizona, I thought it was by choice. I thought you were punishing me." She stopped then, ran her hands through her hair, leaned against the wall, and held her face in her hands as she continued to cry.
Arizona's breath hitched and she could no longer fight back her own tears, she didn't want to. She was carrying her own guilt and it just doubled. Standing from her seat, she walked up to Callie, wrapped her hands around her wrists, pulled Callie's arms down so she could see her face, tilted her head a little until Callie made eye contact with her, then softly stated, "Callie, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Callie nodded and Arizona continued, "This, this is another thing that I placed at your feet and it isn't on you…" "But it is Arizona, God! Can you just stop taking all the blame?" Callie snapped, then immediately looked remorseful. Arizona closed her eyes, thought about the many times Ginnie told her the same thing and tried again, "Okay, yes, the way you responded to some things, may not have been the best way to go about it." Callie snorted and Arizona continued, "But I didn't give you a choice Callie. I was telling you nothing, I was hiding my physical and emotional pain from you, I was…" "Trying to be strong, trying not to burden me…but Arizona, you were my wife, you weren't a burden. We promised each other through sickness and health…and…and I tried to force you to do that." Arizona felt like they were going to go round and round with this and before it got bad, she decided, "Let's grab our drinks and go sit down, okay?" Callie nodded and followed, neither of them realizing Arizona still had ahold of one of Callie's wrists.
When they entered the living room, instead of taking her usual spot in the chair, Arizona sat at one end of the couch, faced Callie, and pulled her leg underneath her so she was more comfortable. While waiting for Callie to get situated, Arizona took a sip of her beer and contemplated what she wanted to say next. She put her glass down on the coffee table and started, "Ginnie keeps yelling at me for taking all the blame too." Callie tilted her head and asked, "Why do you do that?" Arizona took a deep breath and replied honestly, "Because at the time, I didn't take any blame, any responsibility for anything. I blamed Alex for me being on the plane in the first place. I blamed you for…everything. I blamed a God I didn't even believe in. But after I found out about Alex making the cut, after I started therapy, after I started being treated for PTSD, I realized I was responsible for my own actions, no matter what prompted them, I was the one who acted the way I did and those actions resulted in breaking the heart of the person I loved most in this world aside from my daughter, and destroying our marriage." Callie sat stunned, staring at Arizona who calmly, not for the first time, took responsibility for her actions, but what bothered her was that Arizona was taking blame for things she didn't have control over, things Callie herself did and…Callie closed her eyes and for the first time, realized she was partially to blame for this too.
Taking a drink of her beer, maybe a little liquid courage, Callie replied, "I feel like…like you taking all the blame is my fault. For years Arizona, I threw it all in your face and…" Arizona shook her head and interjected, "And for years I did the same thing Callie. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility, neither of us wanted to see things for what they really were, so we shifted blame. You are carrying so much guilt that I put on you and maybe, I don't know, maybe you're right, maybe I'm doing the same. What I do know is, I'm ready to take that blame, I'm ready to acknowledge what I did wrong, all of it." Callie took a shaky breath, she knew what 'all of it' entailed, and didn't think she'd ever be ready to relive that night.
Before she could think too hard about it, Arizona declared, "Earlier, in the kitchen, you said you felt like I was punishing you." Callie shook her head and corrected, "I shouldn't have…" Arizona interrupted, "Yes, you should have said that if that's how you felt. I can tell you that it wasn't conscious, I really feel like when I look back, I'm seeing two different Arizonas. I see the person I was before and that person, she never would have done that to you, treated you like I did. But, the angry, hurt Arizona, the one who thought you cut off her leg and couldn't love her anymore…my warped sense of logic, the way I was thinking at the time…I don't know, maybe subconsciously I was." She wiped at the tears that welled in her eyes and admitted, "You weren't the only person who felt like you were living with a stranger Callie. But that stranger, she was living within me and I felt so out of control sometimes."
Callie knew what she was about to do was a big ask, one that would bring them both a great deal of pain, but she knew it had to be done. Taking a deep breath, she looked Arizona in the eye and asked, "Will you…can you tell me about it?" Arizona momentarily froze and asked, "About what?" Callie swallowed and clarified, "All of it. I need to understand all of it and I don't know where it starts or ends and…I don't know, just talk." The blonde reached over to the coffee table, picked up her glass of beer and drank it all in one gulp. She then nodded, stood up, and started, "Before I do this, I need you to promise me two things." Callie looked up at her and asked, "What's that?" Arizona took a deep breath and declared, "First, if there's something you don't understand, something that makes you feel some kind of way, you can't assume that's how I meant it. I need you to ask questions to clarify, not just think the worst." Callie thought about that for a moment, she knew that was one of her greatest weaknesses, jumping to her own conclusions. Knowing she had to work on that and especially now, she agreed, "I can do that. What's the second?"
Arizona walked the width of the living room trying to figure out how to phrase it and stated, "This one will be hard, we know that, but…Callie, I need you to promise me you'll try to listen to everything, you won't leave or shut down on me. You can argue, fight with me, I don't expect you to be quiet. But please, please don't just get up and storm out and please don't drive angry." Callie wasn't expecting that request, Arizona was almost begging her not to leave in the middle of the conversation and she understood why. When things were rough, one or the other of them would just walk away until finally, one of them, she herself, walked away for good. Exhaling deeply, knowing it would be rough, she answered, "I promise, on the condition that we can take a break. If one of us needs to stop, we walk around the block or go to another room, or something, but if we get to that point, we get to call a time out." Arizona quickly agreed, "That's fair. Yes, thank you." She then turned and started pacing again.
Callie watched while Arizona walked back and forth across the living room, wringing her hands, biting her cheek, and sneaking glances at her occasionally. After what seemed like hours but was mere minutes, Arizona began, "I said earlier, even while I was yelling at you, I just wanted you to hold me, I wanted us to make it through this together. I felt like I was trapped inside this new body, looking at the world completely differently, and what bothered me the most was that the world was looking at me completely differently as well. You, all of our friends, I just…every time someone looked at me, there was so much sympathy in their eyes and it made me angry, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. Then strangers, they would look at me like…like this poor disabled woman and I…I was the top pediatric surgeon in the country. Me, I just, I looked in the mirror and I hated the person I saw. I hated the mangled leg, I hated the look of disgust in my eyes, the angry expression on my face, I just hated everything about me. But you, when I looked at you, I was so torn Callie. I wanted to see my wife and I could only see the surgeon who cut off my leg. Then I'd realize you were the same people and I couldn't…you kept saying you loved me and you wanted me and I didn't know how. I thought you wanted the old me and I couldn't find her. I couldn't find her because I was becoming a new person and you didn't see who I was becoming or you did and couldn't accept it and I was scared too. I was scared of losing you, but I was scared of loving you, emotionally and physically." She stopped for a moment, for herself, to think about what needed to come next, but for Callie, so she could think about what she'd just said.
Callie listened quietly and started to understand the war that was going on within Arizona at the time. She hated that her wife thought she cut off her leg and hated even more that she was the one who allowed her to draw that conclusion. But she could see the undercurrents of the PTSD, how they weaved their way into Arizona's thoughts and made her see and believe things that weren't true, how they skewed her logic. Picking up on a couple of things the blonde said, Callie commented, "That line, between wife and surgeon, it got so blurry. I would be looking at my wife, but that surgeon in me, the part who helped people…bones are my specialty and I would look at you and see ways that I could help you and…and you didn't want my help. I understand why now, I do. I didn't at the time though and it was so hurtful Arizona. I felt like you were rejecting me at every turn, as your wife, as a doctor, I felt lost." Arizona turned to look at Callie and admitted, "Honestly Callie, that part, the physical part…sex hadn't even occurred to me until you brought it up that night of Miranda's wedding. At first I was just in so much physical pain, then the emotional pain and anger, I had no sex drive at all. It wasn't that I didn't want YOU, I didn't want sex. When I did start thinking about it, I got scared all over again. You fell in love with a person with two legs. You loved my legs, you always had your hand on my leg when we sat down, you'd lay on my lap and rub my thighs, you'd wrap my legs around…I was afraid we'd start and you'd…you'd be, I don't know, sickened by the idea, you'd realize I wasn't attractive anymore, and I couldn't…I already thought…" She broke off on a sob, turned her back on Callie, and went to the living room window to stare into the darkness.
Callie watched Arizona closely, saw how her shoulders slumped, her head hung low, and knew her mind was taking her back to that time, to a time where she felt unwanted and unloved. Before she knew what was happening, her feet carried her across the room and she stood directly behind Arizona, not touching her, but close enough to reach out and wrap her arms around her if she so desired. Feeling Callie's presence, Arizona looked up into the glass and could see both of their reflections. Though she couldn't quite make out the look in Callie's eyes, she could see her facial expression was somber, contemplative, and waited to hear the same words of affirmation she'd always said. She was surprised however, when Callie softly murmured, "That must have been hell for you. You've always been so confident and sure in everything, and you tried to tell me…again, you tried to tell me how you felt about something and I didn't hear it. I wish I would have heard it. You don't ask for help Arizona, you don't cry out like most of us do and…and when you tried, I shut you down, I pushed when I should have stood still." Arizona turned around and realized how close they truly were. She looked down at Callie's hands and saw that her fingers were twitching, almost itching to touch her, so she reached out, took both of Callie's hands, leaned back against the windowsill to put a few more inches between them and replied, "I should have cried out louder Callie. We both should have done so many things we didn't do. I still don't know…I don't know with the PTSD and depression what would have made a difference other than addressing those two things that neither of us recognized."
Callie looked down at their joined hands, fiddled with Arizona's fingers, and revealed, "We'd made it through so many difficult things before that, I always thought…I thought we were strong enough to withstand anything." Arizona followed her gaze, watched how their fingers fit together and replied, "We were fighting each other when we should have been fighting this…thing that was bigger than both of us. We started getting better. I think…I know you were right, once I started walking and working again, I started gaining my confidence back. I wasn't the old Arizona, but I was becoming someone new, someone who had to adjust to life in a different body." Callie smiled then, she thought of how Arizona had blossomed and they had found a new normal if just for a little while. Looking up into weary blue eyes, she asked, "What happened?" Arizona dropped her hands, slid from the space between Callie and the window so she didn't feel trapped, sighed and revealed, "There was still a piece of me Callie, still this voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough. It would get louder at certain times. When you started your mind-mapping project, I knew it was for me, because of me, and I convinced myself, that's when I convinced myself that you were trying to fix me still, even though we were…we were sexually active again and…as hard as I tried to fight it, it was there. Not just with you though, with my job, when I couldn't run to the pit, when I couldn't stand without experiencing phantom pains, it was those parts of the new me I still hadn't figured out yet." She walked to the wall of pictures, traced Sofia's smiling face, and Callie braced herself for what was coming next.
Arizona turned to Callie and revealed, "There was a point, things were really good between us, the voices were quiet, and I just wanted to move on. I wanted to push forward this time, to put the pain of the past year behind us." Callie leaned against the windowsill, crossed her arms over her stomach and stared down at her feet, then whispered, "The baby." Unsure if she actually heard it, Arizona turned and realized she did when she saw tears streaming down Callie's cheeks. She practically fell against the arm of the couch at the sight because this was the first time she'd seen Callie mourn for the loss of their child. When Callie heard nothing, no response, no movement, she looked up to find Arizona sitting on the arm of the sofa staring at her. She raised her hand to wipe her tears and Arizona suggested, "No, don't. Don't, just let them fall. It's okay to mourn the loss Callie. It WAS your loss too. It was just another thing we handled differently. In my mind, my body failed me again, I lost another piece of me. That was another time when I just…I wished I had… To me, that meant I failed you again. I failed you as a wife. I couldn't give you what you wanted…what we both wanted and when we talked about it…" Callie interrupted, "When we talked about it, I pushed again. You hadn't…Jesus Arizona, you just found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat…alone! You hadn't even expelled…" She shook her head, pushed herself off the windowsill, paced the room, and harshly cursed, "FUCK! I stood there and looked you in the eye and started talking about trying again. I didn't acknowledge your pain; I didn't even see the loss as a loss. I just…I got mad when you didn't want to try again and I did what I do, what you asked me not to do this time, I walked away."
Arizona watched while Callie picked up her glass, finished the now warm beer, and carried both empty glasses into the kitchen. She heard the water running, some clinking of plates and silverware, and realized this was Callie calling a timeout. She knew she wasn't angry at her, not yet, but she was angry at herself, grieving the loss of their child, and obviously remorseful that she didn't handle it the way she needed her to. Callie took the glasses to the sink, rinsed out the carafe for the coffee pot, refilled it, started a fresh pot, then decided to clean up their plates from dinner and take care of the leftovers. She didn't realize she needed the space until she was in the kitchen, away from those knowing blue eyes that looked straight into her soul. She was grateful Arizona recognized it and didn't follow her. She knew she was angry at herself for the way she handled or didn't handle the loss of their baby. Thinking of the days and weeks afterward, Arizona had started going further and further into herself. That was another time when I just…I wished I had… To me, that meant I failed you again. I failed you as a wife. The darkness, the depression, the PTSD had taken over again and the loss of the baby was the trigger. Standing over the sink, she gripped the edge with both hands, and lowered her head as she thought about the sequence of events and what came after, not even a month after the loss of their baby. Callie lifted her hand to her mouth and muttered a muffled, "Fuck."
Just the thought, just the picture that occasionally flashed in her mind of Arizona's wedding ring pinned to another woman, made her physically ill. She lowered her hand to press against her chest as if she could soothe the ache. Nothing could have prepared her for that day and she felt as if nothing could prepare her for this conversation. Even with everything else that had come out, even with all the pieces fitting together in a different way, a way that at least made it make sense…to her, it was still unfathomable. What made matters worse, was Arizona's response afterward, her behaviors afterward. Callie kept rubbing her chest as the pain worsened and waited for the anger to follow, the humiliation, the knowledge that once again, she wasn't enough for her spouse. In the end, she was still left with the pain as none of the rest came with it.
Taking a deep breath, Callie stood up straight and decided it was time to hear what Arizona had to say. While preparing them both fresh cups of coffee, she briefly wondered if it would truly be different, if blame would be shifted or…she shook her head and realized that nothing that came from her ex-wife's mouth during any of these conversations was what she expected, so she tried to clear her mind and reminded herself to listen, to actually hear what was being said. When she returned to the living room, Callie found Arizona in the chair curled up into a ball, staring at the wall and knew she was preparing herself, she was waiting for the assault that would follow her admission. She walked to Arizona, handed her a cup of coffee, received a murmured thank you, then took the seat on the sofa furthest away from the chair. She tried to remind herself to keep herself open, to stop before she responded, to breathe in and out.
Arizona took a sip of her coffee and carefully observed Callie's body language. Her movements were stiff, she was clearly uncomfortable, but when she sat down, she turned to face her, held her coffee cup in one hand and draped the other across the back of the sofa. Arizona relaxed slightly when she realized Callie was deliberately trying not to close herself off and decided to do the same. She situated herself so that she was sitting properly in the chair, leaned forward, rested her elbows on her knees, stared into the caramel colored liquid, prepared just the way she liked it, and started, "We've said a lot of things that led up to this part of the conversation. You said the Arizona you married never would have cheated on you, and that's true. We know I was suffering from depression and PTSD and I had just lost the baby which made me sink even further into that darkness." She stopped, put her coffee cup down on the table, looked up at Callie who was staring directly at her and for the first time since she could remember, she couldn't quite read the look in her eyes. Thinking about what she had to say next, what she'd alluded to and never admitted, never took responsibility for, Arizona started crying and angrily swiped at the tears, in her mind, they were tears of pain and she didn't deserve to feel the pain, to cry over this.
Callie swallowed thickly when she saw Arizona begin to cry and swiped at her tears as if she were angry at herself for crying. The more she wiped them away, the harder she cried and in that moment, Callie realized that this was the first time she had ever seen her ex-wife show any emotion other than anger, misguided anger, when it came to her cheating. Still sobbing, Arizona shook her head and admitted, "None of that changes the fact that I was your wife, even if I wasn't the same person, I was your wife, we were still married, and I broke the most sacred of vows to you. I cheated on you Callie and I…" Arizona grabbed her stomach and nearly doubled over as if it were too painful to continue, but continue she did, "I…not only did I cheat, but I blamed you, I yelled at you, I was horrible and fuck!" Popping out of the chair, Arizona paced the living room and tried to calm herself, tried to think of what she truly wanted to say and not just ramble a mess of jumbled random thoughts.
Stopping in front of Callie, she put her hands in her pockets, ran her thumb around the ring that no longer resided there because of this very situation, took a deep breath, and tried to explain, "I never…" She shook her head and decided she wanted them to be on even footing, took a seat at the other end of the sofa and started again, "I never, you wanted to know why and I threw out every accusation I could, because Callie, even I didn't know why. I mean, the one thing I do know, the thing I am absolutely certain of, is that it wasn't you. I never stopped loving you, I never stopped being attracted to you, I never stopped wanting you. You were always everything I wanted and needed and more." Callie started to shake her head to argue, in her mind, it didn't make sense until Arizona's words came back to her once again. Instead of assuming though, she decided to ask, "Why then Arizona? Why did it happen? How?"
Arizona dropped her head and replied, "I felt like I would never be enough for you. I felt like I just kept failing you over and over again and…God Callie, it doesn't even make sense. I felt like I wasn't enough, but instead of trying to fix that, I went and…I proved that not only wasn't I enough, I wasn't even good enough for you. I cheated! I've never cheated! I never even looked at another woman when we were together Callie. I…I didn't even…ugh…I didn't even look at HER...not in that way...I mean I didn't notice her. She kept making these comments and flirting with me. I even told her I was married. I invited you down to the x-ray room so she could see you, so she could see…" Arizona trailed off, dropped her head in her hands and shook it back and forth. Callie reached out, pulled her hands away and softly asked, "So she could see what Arizona?" When the blonde lifted her head, Callie reared back at the fury she saw in her eyes as she waved her hand in front of her and nearly yelled, "This, you, that she didn't even fucking measure up!" Arizona jumped off the couch again, stood in front of Callie with her hands on her hips and declared, "It doesn't make fucking sense! I don't even just mean on the outside. On the inside Callie. She knew I was married; she'd seen you, and she kept pushing…and…" Arizona sighed, her entire body deflated, and she walked back to the window, leaned against it with her back to her ex-wife, and said nothing for several long minutes.
Callie sipped her coffee, looked around the room, switched positions, did everything she could not to fill in the blanks, not to finish the story, not to visualize what happened. Finally, Arizona started softly, "I can't even say she wore me down. In a sense, she built me up. This person who never knew me before the crash, before the amputation, this stranger, the only person in the hospital who didn't look at me with some sort of something in their eyes whether it be pity, guilt, sympathy, understanding, hesitation…whatever. She was the only person who knew me after and still paid attention to me, respected and admired my work, complimented me, found me attractive…and before you argue, I know you did Callie…but there was still that piece of me that wondered and worried and with my most recent failure…I didn't know how you could love me, how you could want me." She stopped for a minute, waited for Callie to say something, to argue, to yell, to walk away, but at the angle she was standing, she could see her ex sitting still on the couch, looking in her direction, patiently waiting for her to continue.
Arizona took a deep breath and revealed, "Since the plane crash, I felt so out of control, on the inside. Nothing was in my control, not even my own body. But, on the outside, everyone expected us…me…to be okay. Some days, I felt like people just expected me to snap. I felt caged, watched, and…" She exhaled loudly and continued, "All day, I fought off or ignored her advances and little comments. When the surgery was over, I was relieved I'd never have to see her again." "Because you wanted her?" Callie asked in a clipped tone. Arizona turned with tears in her eyes and replied softly, "No, because she wanted me and I wanted someone to want me…that me, the person I was then. I wanted that person to be you…" "I did though, I just didn't know how…" Callie argued. Arizona nodded, "I know that now, I do. I should have known that then Callie. I should have known so many things that I didn't think of." Callie nodded in understanding, she knew, even if Arizona wouldn't allow herself to believe it, she knew the PTSD, the trauma of losing their child, played a large role in addling her thinking process.
Arizona crossed the living room, sat on the coffee table in front of Callie, looked her in the eye, and started, "She told me she made a habit of staying in the hospital the night after a surgery to be close in case something happened. I didn't…I don't know if that's true or not, but it made sense to me because you and I always did the same thing with a big case." Callie nodded in agreement and fought the bile rising in her throat. Arizona looked down at her hands and admitted, "I showed her to an on-call room and right when we got in there, the lights went off. Before I knew what happened, she kissed me. I pushed her away Callie. I swear." Both women had tears streaming down their cheeks, one full of pain and anguish, and the other full of guilt and remorse. Callie could feel the biting comment start to roll off her tongue and out of her mouth and the only way she knew to stop it was to literally bite her tongue, so she did.
Arizona looked on as Callie struggled to stay quiet, so she quickly finished, "I pushed her away, I turned the door handle to go, and she said the words that…I don't know…she said, 'It's okay to lose control Arizona,' and instead of leaving…instead of opening that door and going to find my wife, something inside of me, that person who didn't feel like she was enough, who didn't feel like she could ever be enough, who always had to appear calm and collected, and work harder than anyone else just to get up and get out of bed in the morning, that person, that voice…that was my snap. In that moment, I didn't think about my wife, my child, my future, my past, fuck Callie, I didn't even think about her. I didn't think. There was nothing, no thinking, no feeling, no…" Callie furrowed her brows in question, surely Arizona wasn't saying what she thought she was saying. She couldn't stand the not knowing and asked, "You didn't?" Arizona stood up and laughed that hollow laugh that sent chills down Callie's spine and shook her head as she confessed, "I literally feel like…the only way I can explain it Callie is as if I turned into a robot. I shut down. Everything…my emotions, my thoughts, even my physical responses…I shut down. No Callie, I didn't…um…I didn't have an orgasm and to be honest, I don't know if she did either. I just, I remember locking the door, then I remember stopping abruptly, putting on my shirt, and when the lights flashed on, that's when…it clicked, like I realized what happened and…and I left the room and threw up."
Callie stood up then and started pacing the room. Her anger started to surface once again, but now she didn't even know who to direct it at. The way Arizona just described what happened, it was like… "Oh my God!" Arizona turned to Callie, waiting for the barrage of anger and asked, "What?" Callie walked up to Arizona, put her hands on her shoulders, and exclaimed, "You didn't…you had no idea…Arizona! Fuck!" This certainly wasn't what Arizona expected. She lifted her hands, wrapped them around Callie's wrists and asked, "I don't understand Callie. Yell at me, tell me…something." Callie looked at her and asked, "Arizona, did you tell this part to Ginnie?" Arizona furrowed her brows and replied, "That I cheated, of course I did." Callie shook her head and clarified, "No, what you just told me, have you told Ginnie the details?" Arizona thought about it for a moment, tried to go through each session in which they discussed the cheating and replied, "No, I guess I didn't, I just…I told her I cheated on you." Callie stepped back, wiped her hands up and down her face, and muttered something in Spanish Arizona couldn't decipher.
Callie finally stopped pacing, looked at her ex-wife and asked, "Tell me about the night in your office that the plane crashed in Seattle." Arizona ran her hands through her hair and huffed, "Callie, I already told you, I don't remember anything but sitting down and looking for a pen then waking up in the hospital. I don't understand what this has to do with…" Callie threw her hands up and spun around in a circle as if her point had been made, but Arizona took another minute to get there and declared, "Oh my God! But no, no, no, no! That doesn't make a difference Callie. It was still me. I don't get to be let off the hook here. I could have turned that knob; I could have walked out that fucking door." Callie tilted her head and asked, "Could you though?" Arizona stared at her for a moment longer, walked to the couch and fell into it as if she were in shock. Callie walked over, sat next to her and softly said, "There's this big part of me that believes, if you could have walked out of that room, if you had control over your faculties, you would have Arizona." Arizona shook her head and was sobbing as she yelled, "You don't get to let me off the hook for this Callie! You don't get to do that. It was still my body, I was still your wife. I fucked up. I broke your heart, I…I…No…just no. This is all on me, it's all my responsibility. I don't get to be forgiven for this. I don't. Cheating is inexcusable. I tore our life apart and now…now because I don't…no, no, no, no, no." She stood up and stormed down the hall and just before she opened her door, she called, "Time out!" Then slammed the door behind her.
Callie sat on the sofa dumbfounded. She got up, walked to the kitchen, took a beer from the refrigerator, popped it open and took a big long swig. She groaned and tried to figure out what the fuck just happened. For three years, whenever the vision invaded her mind or her nightmares, it was always of Arizona and Boswell just being so attracted to one another they couldn't stay apart and when they were finally alone, their passion just exploded. She pictured her wife doing things to the other woman she'd only done to her, with her. She'd envisioned her wife's mouth and hands all over the other woman's body, Boswell's dirty hands all over her wife's body, as they mutually brought each other pleasure over and over again. Mutually, cognitively, by choice. But this…the way Arizona described it, or didn't describe it…Callie closed her eyes and wondered if she was just grasping at straws. If she was trying to make it something it wasn't. She didn't even know if it were possible or a symptom of PTSD. Quickly pulling out her phone, Callie typed in her question and several websites popped up. Reading just the synopsis of each one, she found the same answer over and over again. Clicking on a reputable medical journal, she waited for it to load, scrolled down and read:
Many people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) experience blackouts, among other symptoms. These blackouts may include flashbacks to a previous time in the person's life, or they may involve a dissociation from reality. While these experiences may be scary in the moment, you can control and even prevent them with the right treatment plan. In this guide, we will discuss how to handle PTSD blackouts and regain control of your mind and body.
What Causes PTSD Blackouts?
Before you can understand how to control PTSD blackouts, you need to understand what's causing them in the first place. You experienced a traumatic event that your brain has not fully processed. Your mind does not know how to react around certain sights, smells, sounds and other sensory factors that remind you of that event. You may not realize you are around a trigger; your brain just reacts to it.
For a brief moment, you may become trapped in the past or separated from reality. You may feel like you are looking at yourself from above or a different person entirely. This all stems from your mind not having the tools to sort through emotions, thoughts and feelings in the moment.
What to Do during a PTSD Blackout
Unfortunately, there may not be much you can do during a PTSD blackout because you won't have control of your mind or body at the time. Someone in the room with you may be able to talk you out of the blackout by helping you get grounded – answering questions about the present day, reminding you where you are, telling you who you are with, etc. If you experience a blackout by yourself, you probably will not be aware enough to control your actions in the moment. The best way to combat this is to learn how to prevent PTSD blackouts.
Callie finished reading, took another drink of her beer, and read the article again. Arizona had told her she didn't feel anything, she felt like a robot. Is that, was that the dissociation? Trying her hardest to remember everything from that night and even after, Callie realized that until just recently, Arizona never acknowledged that she cheated. She never denied it, she deflected, she turned the conversation around, did she not remember it? Any of it? Staring at her phone, it was the last part of the article that bothered her the most, the part about someone being in the room with you. The Boswell bitch had to know something was wrong, something wasn't normal about the situation. Callie started pacing, she was getting angry all over again. Not at Arizona, not exactly, she was, she was angry that her wife didn't ask for help, if not from her, then someone. She was angry that she didn't see the signs again, especially after the loss of their baby. She was angry at that nasty fucking Boswell for even existing and being the type of person she was. Mostly though, right now, she was worried, worried about Arizona and what was going on in her mind at this moment. Though she set the condition of the time out, she decided that this one needed to come to an end.
Walking down the hall, she looked around and saw four doors. She knew one was Sofia's room, the one next to it was the bathroom, so she guessed one of the two doors on her left was Arizona's room. Hearing noises from the room further down the hall, she walked to the door, knocked softly and called out, "Arizona, can you come talk to me please?" Hearing rustling, then running water, Callie hoped that meant her ex-wife would soon answer the door. After another minute or two, she started to knock again, when the door slowly opened and Arizona stepped into the hall. She looked at Callie and opened her mouth, but Callie cut her off with, "Don't apologize. I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate that you are taking responsibility for this." Arizona nodded, started walking toward the living room and murmured, "But?" Callie shook her head and replied, "There is no but. You were right to be angry with me for trying to give you an out when I've held this against you and thrown it in your face over and over again. Though you and I see it differently, you are right, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is, you cheated." Callie wiped the tear that escaped from her eye and was surprised when Arizona added, "Twice Callie. Even if I didn't remember that one, even if that was the one that broke us, instead of trying to win my wife back, I…" Arizona stopped, she knew at that point there was no winning her wife back. She knew something Callie didn't know, something she carried with her to this day, the final reason she'd wished she died on that mountain or in that O.R.
Callie hadn't forgotten about Leah, she'd just…she didn't know how she felt about that one. At the time, she'd given Arizona no reason to believe there was any chance of reconciliation between them. Looking down at her hands, she asked, "Did you…umm." She looked up and finally admitted, "I'm sorry Arizona, that's one I just, I don't understand it. I mean, when did it start? How did it happen? Why her?" Standing in the middle of the living room, Arizona looked around, blew out a deep breath, shook her head and replied, "I can't, I don't…Okay, I'm going to tell you something and it's going to sound like I'm blaming you, but I'm not." Callie furrowed her brows in confusion, how could she possibly be to blame for Leah? Slowly nodding her head, Callie replied, "Go on, I'm listening." Arizona started pacing and declared, "I already cheated, you'd left and took Sofia, you wouldn't speak to me and rightfully so. I thought, I knew, that we were over. I tried to fix it or I thought I tried, I set up the therapy appointment and, and…" Callie nodded, "I didn't go and told you that you should." Arizona agreed, "Ya, and I went a couple of times, then I just…I stopped, I didn't see the point. I knew…I knew we were over for sure after that Gala, the night of the Gala actually." Arizona turned to look Callie in the eye and knew it that moment for certain Callie wasn't aware she knew.
Callie inhaled through her nose and tried not to throw up right there on the living room floor. Walking to the sofa, she sat down, put her head in her hands and revealed, "I was so hurt and angry Arizona and this one man I was talking to…" "The man you were talking to when you saw me and looked at me like I was dead Callie, and then you…you told people I was dead Callie. That's when I knew, that's when I knew it was over and you…Did you want me dead?" Callie's head snapped up and she asked, "What?" Arizona asked, "Did you want me dead?" Callie stood up and hollered, "Jesus NO! No Arizona, never…I, fuck, yes I was mad and hurt and, and I don't know…people were donating and…and I won and Avery handed me the check and I went into the bathroom and threw up. I was so disgusted with myself, so mad that I would stoop that low and…I was wrong, I was so wrong and I'm…" Arizona took a deep breath, held up her hand and quietly commanded, "No, see, I said…I promised myself I wouldn't put that blame on you. It hurt, it did, and at that time…I thought, I thought because you said it, you meant it and, and I wanted it to be true. If it were true, I never would have hurt you like I did." Callie nodded in understanding then stated, "I do owe you an apology though Arizona. It was hurtful and no matter how angry I was…it was wrong. I'm sorry." Arizona nodded and murmured, "Thank you for that."
After a minute of pacing, Arizona explained, "Right after I got there and saw you, I knew I couldn't stay, so I left and went back to the hospital. April was running back and forth and she knew I was hiding in the supply closet and brought me some champaign…A LOT of champaign, and we sat together and drank it. She put me in a cab and sent me home and I guess Murphy was there, at the hospital, and saw the state I was in. She followed the cab to make sure I got in okay. Nothing happened, not that night. She was just…she and April were the only ones who were being nice to me, not that I deserved it, but I appreciated it. That night at Joe's after you told me we were done, I just, I don't know, I lost hope and she was there and it killed the pain." Callie nodded and commented, "She was your Mark." Arizona laughed ruefully, "Um, I wouldn't quite say that, she was a distraction, there was no emotion involved, not for me, other than guilt, it's all I felt at that time." Callie sucked her lips between her teeth, sat down next to Arizona, they both inhaled deeply, and sat quietly for a few minutes.
Deciding to break the silence, Arizona looked over and asked, "Why aren't you yelling at me? You should be angry." Callie asked, "Do you want me to be angry?" Arizona thought about it for a minute and replied, "I deserve your anger." Callie nodded and replied, "And you got it, plenty of it, at the time." Arizona asked, "Are you just not mad anymore or…do you…it just doesn't matter anymore." Callie turned her whole body to face Arizona and admitted, "It matters Arizona, it will always matter, and yes, it hurts, and it will always hurt. I am mad, but not at you, not anymore. I'm mad at both of us for not realizing what was going on, I'm mad at that bitch for…" She stopped, pulled her phone out, opened the article, and before she handed the phone over, she defended, "This isn't an out okay. This is…just read it for me please." Arizona furrowed her brow, took the phone and read the article. Staring at the phone she asked, "Dissociation?" Callie nodded and asked, "Have you ever talked about that with Ginnie?" Arizona shook her head and responded, "No, but we have talked about blackouts and I know what happened in my office was a blackout and I've had a few others, the flashback kind, I just…Callie…" The brunette shook her head and asked, "Will you just…will you tell her what you told me and just ask her if it's possible?" Arizona sighed and replied, "I will. I promise." Without warning, she started crying again, sobbing uncontrollably and Callie immediately drew her into her arms and asked, "What? What is it?"
Arizona shook her head and replied, "You don't want to hear it." Callie asked, "What don't I want to hear?" She could feel Arizona's body shaking and her breathing quickening as if she were about to have a panic attack and soothed, "Breathe Arizona, listen to my breathing and breathe with me." She took deep even breaths and felt the blonde do the same and they continued until Arizona had settle down and stopped crying. Callie asked again, "What don't I want to hear?" Arizona pulled her head back and answered, "You said, you said you were tired of…but Callie, I am so sorry. I know I was wrong, I know what I did hurt you, broke you, and I know I blamed you and I am just so sorry. You don't...you don't have to accept my apology, I know that. I understand I've said I was sorry so many times that you didn't want to hear it again…" Callie interjected, "You've never said you were sorry like this Arizona. You've never said you were sorry and meant it. You may have thought you meant it, but there was no remorse, no regret, and maybe that's because you didn't even connect to the situation at the time. But today, everything you've told me, especially this, I see the remorse you feel. I can see and hear how apologetic you are. So yes, I accept your apologies, all of them, for everything that was said today. I also need to apologize. I know I have, but Arizona, there are so many things that we both did wrong, that we handled wrong and I'm sorry I didn't do better." Arizona lifted her head to argue and Callie held up her finger to stop her, but Arizona shook her head, letting her know she needed to say this.
Arizona took a deep breath and started, "I agree, we both did so much damage, but Callie, you not only saved my life, you took care of me, you loved me when I was at my most unlovable and I will forever be grateful to you for that. I need you to know that above anything else, I know you made the right call, I appreciate that you saved my life, and I'm so very sorry that I repaid you in the way that I did." Callie opened her arms, wiggled her fingers, and said, "Come here." Arizona smiled, leaned in and gave her a hug, holding as tightly as she could, savoring the moment. Callie closed her eyes, inhaled the honey and vanilla shampoo and murmured, "I think this means we made it through this conversation." Arizona chuckled and agreed, "I think we did." She pulled back then and Callie could see the worry in her eyes, she knew what her ex-wife was thinking and assured her, "I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I'm going to talk this all through with him, make sure I don't have any lingering feelings, and if I do, I will talk to you about them rather than bottle them up. Okay?" Arizona let out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding and said, "Thank you. I just…" Callie smiled, "We said a lot and while I am comfortable with things now, neither of us knows what might come back to either of us, so I need you to promise to do the same okay?" Arizona smiled and agreed, then they both sighed in relief once again.
Callie looked at her phone and declared, "It's almost midnight. I should go." Arizona walked her to the door and the two stood there awkwardly for a moment until Arizona said, "I still haven't gotten to hear about your trial. Maybe we can have coffee soon and you can tell me about it." Callie smiled and responded, "I'd like that. Thank you Arizona. I know today wasn't easy and…thank you for telling me everything." The blonde nodded, opened the door and though she wasn't sure if it was proper or okay, she started, "Um…will you, it's late and…" Callie smiled and replied, "I'll text you when I get home." They hugged one last time, both feeling far lighter than they had in years, and Arizona watched Callie while she walked to her car, climbed in, and pulled out of the driveway. She didn't close it until she saw her taillights disappear into the darkness. Closing the door, she took a deep breath, slouched against it, and broke into tears. She wasn't even sure she knew why she was crying at this point, tears of relief, grief, loss, all of the emotions she'd felt swirling inside her for years came to the surface and she finally allowed them to come out, to be released with the weight of the guilt she'd carried for so long.
Pushing herself off the door, Arizona closed up the house for the night, turned off the lights, went to her room, washed up and prepared for bed, then lay awake until she received Callie's text. She thought it was strange how those little butterflies flew around in her abdomen and chalked it up to concern. Callie was emotional, the streets were wet, and it was late. Maybe she should have suggested her ex stay in the guest room, then again, she wasn't sure either of them were ready for that type of situation yet. Deciding to practice her breathing, Arizona lay on her back staring at the ceiling, breathing in to the count of four and out to the count of four. She nearly jumped on her phone when it rang out with Callie's text tone, smiled when she saw that she had made it home safe, and sent a response. Turning off her bedside lamp, Arizona continued her breathing and quickly fell asleep.
XXXX
When she got into the car, Callie turned her radio off and just enjoyed the silence. Throughout her ride home, snippets of their conversation played in her mind and by the time she pulled into her driveway, she was in tears. There was no specific thing that made her cry, not that she could recall, she just felt like crying, so she did. Though her vision was blurry, Callie unlocked her front door, went inside, locked it again, didn't even bother turning on any lights, and went straight to her bedroom. She took her phone out of her pocket, put it on the charger, then sent a quick message to Arizona.
Me: I'm home safe. I hope you're okay.
Before she could even finish taking her clothes off, she heard that familiar text tone and smiled, realizing she was back in Arizona's good graces again. Picking up her phone, she read the message and sent a quick reply.
Arizona: Thank you for letting me know. I'll be okay. Still emotional. I hope you are okay. Goodnight.
Me: Same. Goodnight Arizona
After changing and going through her nightly routine, Callie climbed into her bed and for the first time since…well…she wasn't sure, but her heart felt lighter, her conscience felt clearer, and she knew she would soon fall into a deep peaceful sleep.
A/N: I know, SUPER long chapter, but I didn't know where to split it and if you read my other story, you know that's kind of my thing anyway. I know there might be some clap back with this, but I needed it to be different not only from my own story, but from anything else I'd seen out there. Please understand, I do know about and am very familiar with PTSD. I in no way feel cheating is okay and hope I have conveyed that message as well.
Please excuse any mistakes. I will go back and correct them. I just wanted to post this soon.