When the buzz of an alarm echoed throughout the quiet room, a tan hand shot out from under the covers and blindly tapped at the sweet spot in the middle of the phone screen that offered ten more minutes of blissful sleep. Fading in and out of consciousness, Callie knew she had to wake up, had to force herself from the most peaceful sleep she'd had in quite some time, but she couldn't bring herself to move, fearing she'd wake up only to realize everything had been a dream. Lying on her stomach, face still buried in the pillows, refusing to open her eyes, the brunette allowed visions of the night before to play in her mind. It all seemed so…surreal to her. She'd only intended to stop by Arizona's house, tell her about the trial…clear her own conscience maybe, then go back to work. She had no idea that little errand would prompt Arizona into her own startling confession, thereby leading them down the rabbit hole to discuss the two most painful points of contention in their marriage, the leg and the cheating.
Groaning, Callie turned over on her back, threw her forearm over her eyes, and felt a wave of anger wash over her. This time though, it wasn't anger at Arizona, but at herself, for not recognizing her wife's pain for what it was. She swallowed thickly and wondered if she had…if at any point during that first year, she would have realized that her wife was suffering from PTSD, that maybe, there was an off chance that things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. She knew she couldn't do that to herself though and honestly, she couldn't do that to Arizona. It wasn't fair to her. She recalled how many times leading up to that conversation Arizona took responsibility, owned up to what she had done. She exhaled loudly and thought about how angry Arizona became when she suggested the PTSD played a larger role in her cheating than either of them realized. It confused her for a moment, the way Arizona yelled at her and refused to allow her to shift the blame, until her words rang in her ears once again, You don't get to let me off the hook for this Callie! You don't get to do that. It was still my body; I was still your wife. I fucked up. I broke your heart, I…I…No…just no. This is all on me, it's all my responsibility. I don't get to be forgiven for this.
Callie rubbed at her eyes and muttered, "Fuck!" as she realized that in doing that, by suggesting Arizona didn't know what was happening, she was inadvertently minimalizing her feelings, the guilt she carried, and feared that her ex-wife would feel the same way. She cursed herself for focusing on the PTSD and not the explanation of her cheating or the apology, the heartbreaking words filled with sorrow and shame, that followed it. Though she recognized this as one of her biggest flaws, sometimes done consciously to mask the pain or the true issue at hand, this time, it was done unconsciously. She then understood in that moment, no matter the cause, no matter how badly it hurt at the time and would always hurt, she had honestly and completely forgiven Arizona for cheating on her. Jumping when her alarm went off for the second time, Callie looked at the clock, scrambled out of bed, and raced into the bathroom to get ready. She had something to do before she went to her therapy session today.
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Arizona sat in her living room in her favorite chair, sipping her first cup of coffee, staring at the empty space her ex-wife had just occupied a few short hours ago. Though she had gone to sleep far later than her usual bedtime, she found herself wide awake long before she was scheduled to go into work. She was more than a little surprised that she wasn't awoken by nightmares or phantom limb pain, both of which usually occurred whenever she talked in great detail about that time after the crash, leading up to, and including her cheating. There were days that she'd had to call into work after some of her more intense therapy sessions, due to the visceral or physical pain she was experiencing, which was why she switched her appointments to her days off. But today, after laying it all out for Callie, holding nothing back, Arizona felt renewed and refreshed, almost as if she had unburdened herself of all the guilt and pain she was carrying with her. She knew it was more than that though. She knew, deep in her heart, it wasn't her revelations, her admissions of guilt, or even her apologies, that made her feel so…free, but it was more the fact that they had made it through that conversation, the entire emotional day, and were able to forgive each other.
Taking a drink of her coffee, she set the cup on the side table, ran her fingers through her hair and let out a sigh as a thought started to work it's way to the forefront of her mind. Closing her eyes, she couldn't help but think of how focused Callie was on her PTSD in relation to her cheating. She started to worry that her ex-wife was only able to forgive her so easily because she believed she didn't have control over her own thoughts or actions. She was certain that's why she got so angry at Callie and yelled at her. After everything they had gone through, all the pain she'd caused, in her mind, it didn't matter what the reason, at the end of the day, she still cheated, she still broke Callie's heart, and she just continued to do so until she'd had enough and walked out. She rested her head on the back of the chair, closed her eyes, and couldn't help but replay Callie's words after she'd come to find her in her bedroom, You were right to be angry with me for trying to give you an out when I've held this against you and thrown it in your face over and over again. Though you and I see it differently, you are right, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is, you cheated. She couldn't help but focus on that one phrase, 'though you and I see it differently' and wondered if it truly made a difference why Callie forgave her. For so long, that's all she wanted, all she'd hoped for, to hear that her ex-wife was able to let go of her anger. She knew she'd never forgive herself, but if Callie could find it in her heart to do so, it would mean the world to her. She just…she didn't want to be forgiven on a technicality.
Arizona knew this was something she had to discuss with Ginnie. Not only the details of that night like she promised she would, but also her feelings about why it bothered her so much that Callie wanted to blame the PTSD. Pulling out her phone, she sent a text message to her therapist, asking to see her as soon as possible. She was certain she couldn't let this go until next week. Before putting her phone away, she stared at it for a moment, then sighed, tapped on the search engine, and typed in 'PTSD and dissociation'. She was stunned at the number of articles that appeared. She tapped on one of the links and before she could even begin to read the contents, she heard a knock on her door. Furrowing her brow, she looked at the time on her phone, saw that it was only 7:30 am, and wondered who it could possibly be. Looking down to make sure she was presentable, Arizona stood, peeked out the window, and was shocked to see her ex-wife standing on her porch, nervously biting her lip, and doing the pee dance.
Callie knocked on Arizona's door and started to wonder if this was such a good idea. She'd practiced her little speech in her head all the way over to her ex-wife's house, but now that she was here, she'd lost her nerve. When the door swung open, she barely registered the surprised look on the blonde's face when she blurted, "I did it again!" Arizona stared quizzically at Callie, wondering what in the hell she could possibly mean by that, stepped aside to let the other woman inside and watched as she began pacing the living room. Instead of trying to decipher the cause of her ex-wife's nervous energy or her cryptic statement, Arizona asked quietly, "You did what again Callie?" Turning to see Arizona staring at her in confusion, Callie took a deep breath, tried to remember everything she planned to say, and answered, "I…I, I didn't…" She stopped, ran her fingers through her hair, exhaled slowly, and tried again, "Last night, when you were explaining…after you told me about what happened in that on-call room, I focused on the fact that you didn't remember anything, I blamed it on the PTSD and I…you yelled at me. I didn't get it at first, but I do now and I think I gave you the wrong idea about forgiving you." Arizona could feel the tension return to her body as she realized this was what she was worried about, this was why it bothered her so badly that Callie zeroed in on the PTSD. She was afraid her ex-wife would come to the same conclusions she herself just did and would decide that she couldn't forgive her.
Callie watched as Arizona stiffened and tears welled up in her eyes. She knew she was fucking it all up. Quickly crossing the room, she reached for the small pale hand, felt the sweat that started to accumulate on Arizona's palms and realized her ex-wife was scared she was here to tell her she couldn't forgive her. Softening her voice, she explained, "When I woke up this morning and started thinking about things, I realized that I may have…I didn't mean to, but I minimalized your feelings Arizona. I know I've done it so many times before, sometimes to deflect from the real issue, but I didn't intend to, to make you feel like…" She stopped, took a deep breath, and muttered, "This is coming out all wrong." Arizona looked down at her hand which was enveloped by both of Callie's larger, stronger hands, felt the gentleness of her touch, heard the softness in her voice, and realized she may have read things wrong. Looking up into brown eyes swirling with emotion, she offered, "Let's get a cup of coffee, sit down at the table, and you can tell me what is on your mind." Callie nodded in agreement, let go of her hand, watched as she went to the end table to pick up her cup, then followed her into the kitchen.
Taking advantage of the little time she had while Arizona was preparing their coffee, Callie gathered her thoughts once again and tried to put them into some sort of order that made sense. When Arizona put her cup in front of her then took the seat across from her, Callie took a drink of her coffee appreciating the fact that Arizona still knew exactly how she liked it, sat it down and admitted, "There were so many times, we've talked about them, that you would tell me how you felt about something and I would tell you that's not how you should feel or I would dismiss it all together, or deflect and focus on something else. I think, I think I did that yesterday, but I didn't mean to. The other times…I don't even know if I did it on purpose, but I do know that I did it primarily because I didn't want to deal with it or to shift the blame away from me. Yesterday, when you told me about…about the on-call room, about how you didn't remember exactly what happened…I did it again." She stopped for a moment, took a drink of her coffee, and noticed Arizona staring at her with concern and question in her eyes.
Arizona listened intently as Callie talked and realized that her words were the driving force behind her earlier fears and she had yet to identify them. It all clicked together in her mind when Callie continued, "You have worked so hard Arizona. I can see it, I could feel it every single time you told me you were ready to talk about it, you were ready to take the blame, you were responsible for your actions. By focusing on the PTSD, I took that away from you. I understand now why you got so angry. I'm sorry I did that Arizona. I'm sorry I took that away from you." Callie didn't know what she expected, but it wasn't the tiny smile that crossed bare pink lips. Arizona could see the confusion in Callie's eyes and offered, "You weren't the only one who was analyzing our conversation and I have to admit, though I couldn't pinpoint it exactly, I was…I just…you seemed so quick to forgive me after that and I don't…I was worried that, I don't want you to forgive me because of the PTSD Callie." Shaking her head furiously, Callie was quick to respond, "No, no, that's why I'm here. I wanted to tell you that, what I just said, but…I also wanted to tell you I was afraid I made you think that…I only forgave you, I only accepted your explanation because of the PTSD." The blonde tilted her head and waited for Callie to continue.
Standing up, Callie rounded the table, pulled out the chair next to Arizona, sat down, looked her in the eye and revealed, "I didn't even realize it, but I'd already forgiven you. When you were in the shower yesterday, I knew the conversation was coming and I tried to mentally prepare myself. I told you that the Arizona I married never would have cheated on me and that realization made me start thinking about how I really feel about it now. I have to be honest with you, whenever I thought about it, I would picture…well, you don't want to know, but even hearing the word used to fill me with so much anger. Sometimes seeing you, it would hurt so badly, I just couldn't stand to be in the same room. I don't feel that anymore Arizona. I don't feel the anger. Like I said yesterday, I think it will always be a sore spot and it will always matter to me, no matter how it happened or why it happened, but I knew, before we even started talking about it, I had already forgiven you." Arizona couldn't believe what she was hearing. She didn't trust it earlier, maybe because she still thought she didn't deserve it. But here Callie was, sitting in front of her, making sure she knew she was forgiven, and Arizona couldn't stop the tears of relief from falling.
Callie realized exactly how heavily this had been weighing on Arizona when she saw the tears and the way her shoulders sagged in relief. She reached out then, wiped at the tears that were steadily streaming down pale cheeks and could hear the tremor in her own voice when she continued, "You said I didn't want to hear it, but I meant what I said last night, hearing you apologize, seeing how much remorse you had, how much guilt you carried with you, knowing that you accepted responsibility, that only served to heal the wounds even more. The fact that you don't want to blame the PTSD, the fact that you got angry at me when I did, to me, that speaks volumes Arizona and that's why I had to come talk to you before I went to therapy, before you got a chance to talk to Ginnie. I wanted you to know, I wanted you to look into my eyes and see the truth. I wanted to tell you before you had any confirmation, that either way…whether it was driven by PTSD or whether you went in there willingly, locked the door behind you, and just blocked everything out, I have found forgiveness Arizona." Callie let out a sob and could taste the saltiness of her tears when she felt the truth in her own words piercing her heart.
Both women looked at one another, tears streaming down their faces, and without saying a word, reached out to pull the other into a tight hug. They slumped together and comforted each other as they cried, both of them letting out the last remnants of pain, guilt, and anger. Crying tears of joy and relief for they knew, they understood in that moment, the storm had passed. It was as if the black cloud that settled over them that horrible stormy night three years ago had finally dissipated and they could breathe again. Pulling back, they each lifted their hands to the other's face to clear away the tears, their eyes locked, and their hands froze in place. They both knew it would be so easy to lean in, to pull the other closer, to brush their lips together, then to blame the emotions they were feeling. Neither of them did though, neither of them would even admit to themselves they wanted to do it, no matter how much their fingers were tingling at the touch or the butterflies were dancing in their stomachs, they both refused to take advantage of the moment. Sighing, almost in unison, their hands slowly dropped away, and Callie murmured, "I need to…my appointment with Dr. Carr is in twenty minutes." Arizona nodded, stood up to put some space between them and replied, "Um, yeah, I should…I should get ready for work."
Callie stood as well, straightened out her clothes, took one last look at Arizona, now cursing herself for not pulling her in when she had the chance, and started for the living room. She knew it was entirely too soon to even be thinking about those things, especially with Arizona. She needed to figure out her own shit, get her priorities straight, and now, after all these talks, after…she turned abruptly to ask Arizona a question and let out a loud, "Hmmph" and instinctively threw her arms out to steady the blonde as they ran right into each other. Arizona had decided to follow Callie out, unsure where they would go from here. In her mind, they'd worked through all the big things and she didn't know what that meant. She was focusing on the floor, trying to figure out how to ask Callie what happens now, when she bumped up against her and reached out to steady herself, muttering, "Whoa!" They stood just a few feet away from the door, face to face, Callie's hands gripping Arizona's hips, and Arizona's hands gripping Callie's upper arms. Feeling that pull toward the other again, they both let out a strangled laugh, stepped back, and looked down at their feet shyly.
Callie pursed her lips then asked, "Um, what do we…I don't…Jesus this sounds ridiculous, but can we, are we friends now?" Arizona looked up, let out a small bark of laughter and admitted, "I was going to ask you the same thing. I'm glad you beat me to it because yeah, that sounded ridiculous." Callie laughed too and she muttered, "Shut up. I don't know how this works." Arizona laughed again, tilted her head, and answered, "I'd like that. Even though…I mean a lot of our time together has been really emotional and heavy, I realized I missed spending time with you." She blushed slightly, wondering if that was okay to say, then sighed in relief when Callie replied, "Yeah, I've missed that too. I'd like to, if it's okay, we promised Sof we'd spend more time together as a family. Can we still do that?" Arizona smiled, popped her dimples and answered, "We can most certainly do that." Callie sighed in relief, shook her head, and asked, "Why do I feel so awkward all of a sudden?" Arizona ran her hand through her hair, she was just wondering the same thing about herself, and responded, "I think, maybe…I mean, it's been a long time since…all this stuff, it's always been between us and now…now it's not there anymore." Callie thought about that for a minute, smiled softly and replied, "Yeah, I guess that's it. It feels…" They both looked at each other and finished at the same time, "Weird." Arizona nodded and agreed, "It does, but damn does it feel good." Callie smiled brightly and returned, "It really does." She then turned back toward the door and stopped when Arizona called out, "Hey Callie?" Turning her head, the brunette asked, "Yeah?" Arizona walked up to her, wrapped her arms around her neck, squeezed tightly and said, "Thanks for coming by. I really…I needed to hear that. I'll still talk to Ginnie though and if you want to know…" Callie was quick to interject, "I would like to, but it's up to you if you want to share." Arizona closed her eyes when she felt Callie's grip tighten briefly, then she stepped back and murmured, "You'd better get going." Callie nodded and finally left the house.
XXXX
Lost in thought, singing along to the music blaring through her speakers, Callie realized she was about to miss her turn, flipped on her blinker, and whipped her car into the parking lot of the therapist's office. She flinched and muttered, "Sorry," when the truck behind her passed by, honking the horn. Pulling into a parking space near the door, she looked at the clock on the console and realized she'd made it with five minutes to spare. Quickly getting out of her car, she rushed through the door and went to the receptionist's desk to sign in. She'd no sooner put the pen down when she heard her therapist's welcoming voice greeting, "Ah Callie, you're just in time!" She looked up to see her new therapist holding open the door which led to the inner sanctum of offices, and followed him down the hall, engaging in the all too familiar doctor-patient small talk about the other's well-being. When they entered the older man's office, Callie took a seat in the same chair she'd occupied last time and waited for Dr. Carr to sit across from her. He reached for his recorder, lifted it up so she could see it, and tilted his head, silently asking for permission to record her session. At Callie's nod, he pushed the red button and announced her name, the date, and the fact that this was her second session. Callie focused her attention on her therapist, though her mind was racing with thoughts of her conversations with Arizona, wondering if it was okay to veer from her intended goal and talk about what was at the forefront of her mind.
Leaning forward, Walter clasped his fingers together, and began to recap their last visit, "When you were here for your first visit, you told me that you felt stuck and you wanted to find yourself again, that you wanted to change some things, to be a better person for yourself, but also for your daughter and the other people in your life. We set a couple of goals and I gave you a homework assignment. How did that go?" Callie started to reach for her phone to read her goals then looked up and explained, "I know I said…I mean, I came here for a specific reason, but I was just…are there rules? Like, is it okay if I talk about something else today?" The therapist gently replied, "This is your time Callie, we can talk about whatever is on your mind." Callie sighed in relief and admitted, "I want to talk about Arizona." Based upon how many times his patient referred to her ex-wife in their previous session, Walter was not particularly surprised by the request. He leaned back in his chair, rubbed his chin and asked, "Is there something specific you'd like to talk about?" Callie nodded her head and answered, "A few things actually."
Dr. Carr nodded in understanding, held his hand out palm up and offered, "The floor is yours." Callie smiled gratefully, ran her hand through her thick black curls and explained, "When I was here last week and told you that I wanted to find myself again, that I still felt stuck, that visit, me coming here, it was shortly after a long and difficult conversation I had with Arizona. That was what prompted me to come to see you. That talk led to others and if it's okay, I'd like to talk about it, some things came up and it…" Leaning forward, resting her elbows on her knees, Callie looked down at her hands and revealed, "I think, I think that…not talking about it with her, not finding that closure, not knowing her side of things…I am starting to understand that's part of why I still felt stuck." Dr. Carr noticed that Callie was twisting her fingers, constantly rubbing the third finger on her left hand, which was very telling, and clarified, "You said that after the divorce, you took some time to heal. What did that…" "I didn't though. I thought I had, but what I did was bury everything and spent the last two years avoiding Arizona unless it concerned our daughter, avoiding…all of it." Callie interjected wearily, as she stood up and started pacing.
While he was perfectly happy to let his patients guide their sessions, Dr. Carr had very little information about Callie and Arizona's history together, other than the brief summary she gave him last week and knew he needed to delve deeper before he would be of any use. Leaning forward, he picked up the pitcher that was sitting on the coffee table, poured them both a glass of water and gently stated, "Callie, I'm more than happy to discuss anything you want, but since we've only had one conversation, in order to best help you, I feel like I need a little more background about your relationship with Arizona. I'd like to know what brought you together, and though you mentioned the things that tore you apart, I'd like to know how that really affected you, how it led you to end your marriage and how you feel about things now." Callie took a deep breath, she was certain rehashing it all, their entire story, would be just as difficult as her conversations with Arizona.
Sitting back down in the chair, Callie crossed her leg over her knee, picked at a frayed string at the hem of her jeans, tried to think about where to start, what to say, and found herself blurting, "The first time we met, I was crying in a bar bathroom and she…" Callie stopped, felt the smile tug at the corners of her lips when she saw the image of the confident perky blonde standing in front of her rambling about people talking. She'd tried to stay upset, wanted to be angry that she'd been the topic of the gossip mill once again, tried to ignore the strange woman who followed people into bathrooms to make them feel better, but she knew it was nearly impossible. She was captivated by the lilt of the peds surgeon's voice, the way her curls danced around her face when she talked and her golden blonde hair seemed to shine even under the dim flickering lights, how her mesmerizing blue eyes bore straight into her soul, and those dimples, the deepest sexiest dimples she'd ever remembered seeing popped just for her.
Hearing a clearing of a throat, she realized the older man was waiting for her to continue and felt the heat of embarrassment rising up her chest to her cheeks. She was certain she must have the same goofy expression now that she had on her face that night and with just a little awe in her tone, as if she still couldn't believe something like that could happen to her, she revealed, "She gave me this little speech about people liking me and…she just, she kissed me. It was the sweetest, softest kiss, I'd ever experienced. She didn't say anything after that, she just backed away, smiling this smile…this super-magic smile that makes you forget everything but that smile, those lips, and the dimples…my God those dimples were the death of me. I think I knew that night, even with how upset I was, I knew that wasn't the last kiss I'd share with Arizona Robbins." She looked up then, felt the tears sting the backs of her eyes and admitted, "It sounds cheesy and cliché, I know, but…when she walked away that night, something in my heart…it just…I knew. I knew she was different, special, and as it turns out, she was. She had become my everything, turned my whole world upside down in the best ways possible."
Callie stood from her chair, walked across the room, stared out the window and thinking back to that time, the first days, weeks, and months of their relationship, she couldn't help but smile when the memories came rushing back to her and filled her heart with warmth. For the next several minutes, Callie continued to look up to the sky, as if she were watching her past play out in front of her and laughed and cried as she shared some of those memories, told him the story about how they fell in love with each other, the things she loved most about Arizona, how the woman who was afraid of authority stood up to her very intimidating father, the way she felt when they were together, and how just being around the perky, cheerful blonde, made her want to be a better person, a better surgeon, a better partner.
She didn't even realize she was crying until she felt a tap on her shoulder and looked over to see her therapist offering her the box of Kleenex. Smiling shyly, she took the box, pulled out a tissue, wiped at her eyes, and admitted, "The pain and anger weren't the only things I buried. I haven't let myself think about…that's not true, it's not that I haven't let myself think about all the good things, it's…they were hidden, overshadowed by all the bullshit, all the bad stuff." She stopped, let out a little chuckle, turned to face the man who was now sitting at his desk, leaned against the wall and revealed, "These last few weeks, I…we both…it's like we sometimes fall into the same patterns, we know so much about each other, shared so much, it's hard not to bring up little private jokes or tease each other about things and it's so refreshing. It feels good to be able to…I don't know, be ourselves around each other again. We'd been so guarded for so long. Even at the end of our marriage, we didn't tease, we didn't joke, it's like we didn't know how to act around the other, what was going to set us off and cause a fight." Walter leaned back in the old office chair, crossed his legs and asked, "Where did it go wrong?" Callie hung her head, took a deep breath, and gathered the strength she knew she'd need to get through the next part of the conversation.
Walking to the small sofa, Callie sat down, pulled her leg underneath her, and started, "I'm not sure exactly. After our talk over the weekend, I realized there were cracks in the foundation early on. Things I didn't see, things Arizona tried to tell me and I just…I didn't listen. I told you last week, I can be very self-centered and…and I wanted what I wanted and didn't really listen to Arizona's needs, I dismissed her and minimized her fears." Tilting his head in question, Walter asked, "What fears?" Callie took a deep breath, reached for the box of Kleenex, pulled it onto her lap and spent the next half hour talking about all the points of contention in their relationship. She described her relationship with Mark, detailing the past, including the fight about kids and Arizona's move to Africa and weaving in their most recent conversations, how she'd found out about the fight at the hospital and finally heard the things Arizona had tried to tell her for years. She told him about her breakdown the next day after going through the pictures, how Arizona came over and they worked through all that pain together. She looked up then and admitted, "After that conversation, and the first one, I felt…better, lighter, and it's like the tension between us just lessened. It was easier to talk about other things, easier to be around each other knowing those big things, the behaviors that hurt us the most, were now truly forgiven and in the past."
Walter steepled his fingers in front of his face, tapped on his lips and asked, "Will you tell me about the first conversation?" He watched as his patient's face clouded over and her expression appeared to be filled with what he could only describe as guilt. Callie nodded and explained, "That was the reason…that conversation made me start to understand how much damage my own behaviors caused and that's when I realized I'd been stuck all this time, I never did what I said I was going to do when I left my wife." Callie waited for a follow-up question and seeing that she wasn't going to get one, solemnly described the thirty day break, how she'd broken the rules the night before, and that final day in the therapists office. She then relayed how she saw it then compared to how her conversation with Arizona, not even two weeks ago, had given her a completely different perspective.
The therapist noticed she was fiddling with her hands again, that one finger in particular, and asked, "How did that make you feel?" The brunette huffed and retorted, "Like shit!" Tilting his head, Walter asked, "Do you think that was Arizona's intention?" Shaking her head furiously, Callie defended her ex-wife, "No, not at all. I think…I think she was just telling me her truth, the way she saw things, her perspective of those same events. I felt…I think I felt so horrible because, well, I only just realized this actually. Arizona spent that time doing what was asked of us and I…I did the exact opposite, I whined about it, complained about not having sex, threw myself into my work and did everything I could to avoid thinking about it. I just…I didn't even give us a chance to fix things. I did what I always do and pushed through. Part of me…a huge part of me, refused to see I played any role in the downfall of our marriage. I put it all on her and I guess, deep down, I knew if I thought about it, I'd realize that it wasn't all her fault and I wasn't ready to face that." She finally sat down again and let that realization wash over her.
Callie looked up when the old chair squeaked at the therapist's shift in position and admitted, "I…these talks with Arizona have helped me to understand that. They've helped me to see how…" She shook her head and huffed, "I keep going back to the word stuck, but I think the word I'm looking for is stubborn. I don't think I was stuck as much as I refused to move, I refused to bend. I wanted things a certain way, I could only see things a certain way, my way, and when she stood her ground, when she tried to get me to see her way, I…" "You walked out." The older man finished for her and Callie sighed, "Yeah. I walked out." Dr. Carr asked, "And now?" Callie smiled, just a hint of a smile actually, exhaled loudly and replied, "And now, with every conversation we have, with every realization I come to, with every explanation and apology one of us offers to the other, with the acceptance of those apologies, I'm starting to really feel free. It's like I wake up every day and more of that weight is lifted from my shoulders. Today though…we had an extremely difficult talk yesterday, but today…I woke up and though I was still thinking about those things, having talked about them, gotten them out in the open, I feel like…like that was the last piece of the puzzle and I can truly start to heal. I can freely admit my faults and flaws and not only forgive Arizona, but I can start to forgive myself."
Walter stood up, crossed the room, joined Callie on the couch and asked, "What was your talk about yesterday?" Callie snorted and replied, "It was the one I dreaded the most. But it wasn't at all like I expected it to be." She continued to go through each part of their conversation, starting with Arizona's revelation about cutting herself, being diagnosed with PTSD, Arizona's feelings about her amputation, how she thought her wife cut off her leg, why she let her believe that, her explanation of why she started working on the mind-mapping project, the miscarriage, and finally Arizona's description or lack thereof, of what happened with Boswell in the on-call room. She told him about her reaction, the quick bit of research she did, and Arizona's response to it. She also explained how she'd woken up this morning, worried that she'd brushed over her ex-wife's feelings yet again and paid her a visit to apologize and how she'd told her she'd forgiven her not because of her most recent explanation, but because of the true remorse she'd expressed." Walter tilted his head and asked, "Have you? Have you truly forgiven her?" Callie nodded and without hesitation answered, "I have. I realized yesterday, before the topic even came up that the anger was no longer there, the resentment was gone." Looking into his patient's eyes, he could see something that he couldn't quite place and asked, "What's going through your mind right now?" Callie took a deep breath, could feel the anger rising up from within and responded, "I can't forgive myself." She then hopped up off the couch and started pacing the room.
Keeping his voice calm, Walter asked, "What has you so angry right now Callie?" He was rather shocked when she turned on him, put her hands on her hips and nearly yelled, "How the fuck did I not see it? I'm a trauma surgeon, I amputate body parts and work with patients with PTSD on a daily basis, yet I lived with someone for years, YEARS! It was in my face every single day, I woke up to it, went to sleep to it, sat across from it during meals, we worked together, it was everywhere, and I…" She shook her head and pushed her palms against her eyes as if shoving the tears back in. Leaning forward, Dr. Carr gently suggested, "That's when it's hardest to see, when it's happening to someone we love or even to ourselves. You didn't see it because you didn't want to see it. This was your wife." Callie continued pacing, scoffed, and replied, "That's what Arizona said! It doesn't matter…I should have. I should have caught it. None of us fucking caught it! We are one of the leading Trauma hospitals in the nation. Our chief at the time was a vet, he specialized in trauma. His own wife went catatonic and not one time, not one fucking time did anyone suggest therapy for any of them! No one said those four letters. All this…all this carnage! It wasn't…it shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened to any of them, but Arizona, she saved tiny humans, she was perky and happy and left this trail of sunshine wherever she went, it just…it shouldn't have happened. I should have seen it but I was too busy pushing her to get better, to move past it."
Feeling weak, defeated, and so angry at…everyone, most especially herself, Callie walked back to the chair, slumped down and wept, deep body wracking sobs emanated from her as her emotions traveled the gamut: guilt, anger, grief. Walter stood up, stepped out of his office for a moment to tell his receptionist to push back his appointments, then returned to find Callie doubled over, holding her stomach, and trying to catch her breath. Calling his receptionist once again, the therapist waited until she returned with the item he requested, then shut and locked his door. Finally feeling as if she just couldn't cry anymore, she had nothing left, Callie sat back, closed her eyes, felt a cool cloth being placed on her forehead, murmured, "Thank you," then proceeded to hold it over her face for a moment, allowing the damp towel to soothe her burning skin. When she looked up, eyes red and puffy, Callie asked, "Can you help me understand? Can you tell me about dissociation? I just, I need to know how I missed it."
Dr. Carr walked to his file cabinet, opened the top drawer, flipped through the folders, found the one he was looking for and took out a small packet of stapled papers. He sat down across from his patient, waited for her to finish wiping her face, offered her a drink of water, handed her the information packet, then explained, "Everything you want to know is in here. Dissociation is very real and though I can't know for certain without speaking to her, based on what you told me, it is quite possible that Arizona experienced it not only that night in her office with the scalpel, but also that night during the storm." He then asked, "How does knowing she suffered from PTSD change things for you Callie?" Not expecting that question, Callie took a few moments to think about her response. She wondered if it did change anything, obviously, it already happened, the damage was done, however…She sighed and admitted, "I guess, it would just make sense…it never made sense. None of her behaviors…Arizona was always so logical, so straightforward with things, and sometimes, I'd look at her and wouldn't even recognize her. It can't change the hurt we caused each other, yet part of me…I feel like knowing this…I understand that none of her actions were deliberate, malicious in intent. She was swallowed up in the darkness and couldn't fight her way out. I know, I know none of it is my fault and maybe my anger is misplaced because I have no one to be mad at, so I blame myself. It just kills me to know she suffered in silence for so long and maybe, if I understand it now, if I know what to look for, I can help her if…" Walter nodded and finished for his patient once again, "If it ever happens again." Callie hung her head, tapped the papers on her knee and whispered, "Yeah. If it ever happens again."
Callie sat quietly for a few minutes, she knew she'd long passed her allotted time; however, the doctor didn't seem to be rushing her. Looking down at her hands, she asked, "Is it strange that the things that once made me feel stuck, talking about them now, with Arizona, they are the things that are making me feel free? I mean, I know I still have a lot of things to figure out on my own, but I feel like…like I can really start healing now, like WE can start healing now." Dr. Carr shook his head and explained, "It isn't strange at all. The pain and anger you both suffered has had time to dissipate and you have finally stopped hurting enough to be able to hear what the other is saying, to be able to understand you weren't the only one in pain. Pain blinds us Callie. The pain Arizona felt both physically and emotionally over her leg, thinking you were the one who cut it off, all the loss that she felt from it, losing a baby on top of that, it blinded her from seeing your pain, from understanding your side of things. The pain you felt by her behavior right after the plane crash and amputation, from losing Mark, from essentially losing Arizona, from losing the baby, and from the cheating, blinded you from her pain and that tore you apart, both individually and as a couple. Working through it together helps you both to see and understand not only the other person's pain, but also their remorse and regret."
Callie exhaled slowly, nodded, and replied, "I…that makes sense. I think, in my mind I thought walking away was the closure when in reality, we never had closure, we never finished an argument, we never came to a proper conclusion, now though, I finally feel like we've reached the end of the tunnel." Unsure what his patient meant by that, Walter asked, "Does that mean you feel like you're done here?" Callie shook her head emphatically and answered, "No, it means I feel like I can start now. I am going to do what I said I was going to do when I walked out of one therapist's office two years ago and walked in here last week. I am going to work on myself, give myself time to heal properly, break the patterns I've followed most of my life, and figure out who I am now." Walter smiled, nodded his head, and declared, "I think that's a good plan."
XXXX
After seeing Callie out this morning, Arizona showered and dressed, called her daughter to chat for a few minutes before school started, then decided to head into work early so she could spend some time with her favorite patient. Arizona stood over Cayden's incubator reading through his chart, checking his activity from the day before and was relieved to see that he was still stable and his breathing had improved. She also noticed that he was more active today than he had been previously. His little fists were waving in the air and his tiny legs were twitching as if he wanted to kick them out. Pulling a stool over with her foot, Arizona sat down and cooed, "Well good morning Cayden. What are you so excited about today?" She stuck her hands through the holes on the side of the crib and with the tip of her forefinger, she began making soothing circles on his abdomen, while her left hand absently brushed through the soft black curls jutting out from the top of his head. She smiled when his little fist curled around the side of her thumb and she noticed his movements began to settle. Continuing her ministrations, she thought about all the time she spent in this very room with Sofia, and revealed, "I know it can get a little lonely in here. I promise though, you keep getting bigger and stronger, and you'll be out in no time. Do you remember how I told you about Sofia? She used to love it when I told her stories. She would go right to sleep. Do you think you would like that? Would you like to hear a story about some cute little piggies and a mean old wolf?"
Without waiting for an answer, Arizona proceeded to tell the story of the three little pigs, using silly voices and all. When she finished, she noticed Cayden's body had stopped moving completely and though his eyes were covered to protect his sensitive irises from the light, she could tell by the even up and down movement of his chest that he had fallen asleep. When she started to pull her hand away, she realized he still had a grip on her thumb and her heart melted at the sight. That was one of her favorite parts about being a mother, the way Sofia would cling to her in her sleep. To her, it meant her daughter knew she was safe, protected, and relied on her to continue to keep her that way. Wiggling her thumb to loosen the grip, she carefully slid her hand out, whispered, "I promise I'll be that person for you until we find you a mommy. I'll come back soon, sleep well little one," then slipped out of the NICU, discarding her gown and gloves on the way out the door.
When she went to the nurse's desk to return the tablet, Jean, the nurse behind the desk, informed her, "Dr. Robbins, there's someone down in the lobby waiting to see you. Apparently she'd asked to speak to Dr. Torres first, but when Helen told her it was her day off, she asked for you." Furrowing her brow in confusion, Arizona asked, "Did she give her name?" Jean shook her head and answered, "I don't believe she did." The fetal surgeon nodded, thanked the nurse, then walked toward the bank of elevators to see who could possibly be here asking to see her or Callie. It's not like their specialties coincide and they didn't share any patients. Suddenly, a jolt of fear ran through her as she became concerned that something happened at Sofia's school. Rushing into the lobby, she was both relieved and surprised to see her therapist sitting in the corner, waiting patiently for her. Walking up to the older woman, she asked, "Hey, what brings you here? Oh! Did you get my message?" Ginnie nodded and replied, "I did and meant to respond but I knew…" She trailed off, looked around and asked, "Is there some place we could speak more privately?" Arizona stuck her hands into the pockets of her white coat and suggested, "Let's go up to my office." She then led her doctor up to the third floor and into her office.
Closing the door behind her, Arizona turned to find the normally confident woman standing in the middle of the room looking as if she were about to be scolded and realized what was bothering her. Before she could tell her therapist she already knew about the trial, the older woman blurted, "I did something highly unethical yesterday." Arizona extended her hand indicating for the older woman to take a seat on the sofa, pulled up a chair and asked, "What did you do?" Ginnie looked down at her prosthetic hand and revealed, "This new trial, the new doctor I went to see yesterday…I, she, you know me…I just started talking about my hand and didn't give her the chance to introduce herself. When she started talking about working with prosthetic limbs and that she was the one who developed these sensors, it occurred to me that…" Arizona decided though it was fun to watch the retired Lieutenant General squirm, it wasn't exactly nice, smirking, she interjected, "I already know. Callie came over to my house after your appointment and told me…well she didn't tell me that exactly. She was feeling guilty for starting the trial and came over to tell me about it. I put two and two together and well…then that led to a nearly eight hour conversation about the leg, the cheating, and everything in between." Ginnie looked at the blonde and asked, "Are you shitting me? Is that why you wanted to see me?"
Arizona laughed out loud at her doctor's response and answered, "It was, yes, but it's not crucial…well, do you have a few minutes?" The older woman nodded and declared, "I have all morning. I came in to tell Dr. Torres, Callie, I couldn't be in her trial due to a conflict of interests, then I planned to find a new prosthetist." Arizona smiled, grateful her therapist would do that, then offered, "That's not necessary. When you told me about the problems you were having with your hand, I almost suggested you make an appointment with Callie. She's the best there is and I don't want you to put your own health aside because of me. As long as the two of you aren't comparing notes, I'm fine." Ginnie nodded her head, flexed her fingers, and agreed, "She really is good. She had this thing fixed within a matter of minutes." Arizona smiled, sat back in her chair and replied, "Good, I'm glad." Though she really wanted to explore the blonde's feelings about the trial, Ginnie knew when it was best to leave things alone and given the fact that her patient wasn't offering any more information, she recognized this was one of those times.
Switching back into doctor mode she asked, "So what is it you needed to talk to me about?" Arizona sighed, stood up from her chair, paced her small office and then admitted, "I need to talk to you about that night. The night I cheated." Ginnie settled back against the sofa and studied her patient for a moment. The request came as a surprise since Arizona rarely brought it up on her own and never divulged any details other than the fact that she cheated on her wife with a visiting surgeon. She knew the surgeon well enough by now to know that she had an agenda, she had her little dissertation all planned out, so rather than ask questions, she waved her hand and commanded, "Go on then." Arizona took a deep breath and explained, "Last night, during our talk, I told Callie everything…things I hadn't told you and, and when I was done, the first thing she asked me was if I'd talked to you about this." Dr. Dettloff asked, "Do you want to tell me about it?" Arizona bit her bottom lip and replied, "I think, I think I need to now." Realizing there was something she was missing, something Arizona herself didn't think about but Callie caught, Ginnie was intrigued. Leaning forward, she suggested, "I know it's hard; take your time." Arizona nodded but stood quietly for several long minutes.
Finally, she continued pacing and the words began flowing from her lips. She started with that morning when she poured sugar into the wrong cup and realized the other woman was flirting with her even then. She walked through the entire day, repeating almost word for word what she told Callie. When she got to the point that she dreaded, hated talking about, hated thinking about, Arizona sat on the edge of her desk, stared at the wall above the sofa and in a monotone voice, recounted, "She'd asked me to show her to an on-call room so she could stay close to the patient. I took her to one frequently used by guests, opened the door, turned on the light, and there was this big crash of thunder and all the lights went off. Before I knew it, she was kissing me. I pushed her off. Disgusted with myself, with her, with everything, I turned and started to leave. I had my hand on the handle and she said to me, 'It's okay to lose control Arizona,' and something inside me, it was like a switch turned off…everything. I locked the door and I…" Ginnie knew what was happening, she could tell by Arizona's tone she had gone back to that room, what was more evident though, is she had gone back to that place in her mind, the place where everything shut down. She tuned back in to hear Arizona say, "I did lose control, but not…not how she meant it. I lost control of my mind, my body, I told Callie it's like I was a robot. I mean, I can see it right now and I wasn't…I wasn't me. I didn't think about my wife, my daughter, my career, I didn't think about anything. I didn't think about her, pleasuring her, finding my own pleasure. I just…I went through the motions then, then I stopped. I put on my shirt, the lights flashed on, I stared at her, realized what had happened, what must have happened, and walked out of the room, went into the nearest bathroom and threw up."
As soon as Arizona had finished relaying all the details, the therapist understood why Callie asked if she'd discussed it with her. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "Does Callie know, have you told her why you started seeing me?" Arizona nodded and replied, "She does, she knows about that night, the PTSD, the depression, and that's why, I think that's why she asked if you knew about this." Arizona watched as her therapist pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, and exhaled slowly. Sitting down across from her once again, she asked, "She's right isn't she?" Ginnie shook her head as if to clear it and asked, "Right about what?" Arizona explained, "When I finished telling her about this, she immediately likened it to that night, here in my office with the scalpel. I yelled at her. I told her she didn't get to give me an out. This was still my doing. Then I took a time out. I went into my room and just…I broke down. Part of me thinks she's right, part of me wants her to be right, but another part of me…I don't…I didn't want her to forgive me on a technicality. While I was in my room, she looked up PTSD blackouts and showed me this article about…" Ginnie nodded and finished, "Dissociation. Yes, Arizona, what you just experienced and the way you described that night, you disconnected from reality. It's the same thing that happened with the pen and scalpel. Some psychiatrists, myself included, consider that a part of blackouts which is why I've never used that word specifically."
Arizona slid from her desk, went back to sit in the chair across from her doctor and asked, "Why did that happen and why did today feel different from yesterday?" Ginnie explained, "I can't say for certain, but I am assuming that something that happened that night, either the words she said, because you quoted her verbatim, or the black out, the sound of the thunder, something made you go into hiding so to speak. Today, I am assuming it felt different because you were in the hospital, in the place that it happened, but also because yesterday, you were talking to Callie and that kept you grounded." Arizona slumped in her chair and asked, so all this…I could have avoided…" Ginnie shook her head and argued, "Maybe, maybe not. We've talked about this. All the hypotheticals in the world can't change reality. What happened, happened and you have to learn to move on from that." Arizona nodded and replied, "I know and…and I am, we are. I don't have time right now, I have to get to my rounds, but trust me when I tell you that the next session is going to be an interesting one." They both stood up and as Arizona walked Ginnie to the door, the older woman turned around and asked, "You're sure it's okay if I stay in the trial?" Arizona nodded and replied, "It's perfectly fine."
Once they said their goodbyes, Arizona took a minute alone in her office to gather her thoughts. She didn't know how she felt about what she just learned, but she did know that it would have no impact on her ex-wife's decision to forgive her and to her, that's what mattered the most. Before she could ponder it any longer, her pager went off and she was needed in the pit. She sighed in relief, realizing this was just what she needed; a busy day to keep her mind focused on the present, to keep moving forward.
A/N: OMG! There are soooo many versions of this chapter on my computer. This one was a struggle, but I felt the need for follow up. Hopefully both of our girls can put all the pain, guilt, and anger behind them and they can start moving forward.