When Callie opened the door to the chapel, she wasn't sure what she expected to find, but it most certainly wasn't Arizona sitting in the front pew talking to a God she didn't believe in. Arizona wasn't raised in a religious household, she'd never been to church, and she didn't pray. Her scientific mind focused on the concrete, she needed proof to believe something was true, she fixated on facts and evidence. Every decision Arizona made was calculated and analyzed and if she didn't have confirmation of its existence, she didn't pursue it, she didn't believe in it. Yet here she was, talking to a being she couldn't see, had no physical proof of his existence, reaching out for help or guidance because she felt she had nowhere else to turn. Feeling as if she were intruding on a very private moment now, one she no longer had the right to experience with the other woman, Callie stepped back toward the door, preparing to slip out quietly when she heard her ex-wife admit that she'd prayed before. She'd prayed and those prayers were answered. Though she knew she should leave, everything within her was telling her to go; her feet felt as though they were cemented to the floor and she stood frozen, hanging onto every word that came out of her ex-wife's mouth.
It shouldn't have surprised her, it shouldn't have made her heart skip a beat, yet Callie was stunned by the admission that the only times her ex-wife prayed was when it came to her and their family. She'd prayed for Callie to live, for Sofia to thrive, and for herself to be returned to her family alive. The brunette dropped her head and closed her eyes as understanding dawned, Arizona was strictly by the book, everything was black or white…until it came to her. The blonde threw all of her beliefs, all of her instincts aside, and broke her own rules whenever it came to their love and relationship. When Arizona feared that she would lose that love, lose the people who meant the most to her, she prayed. Now here she sat, in fear of losing someone again, turning to God when she felt powerless.
Despite the ache in her heart, Callie felt the corners of her mouth turn upward when her ex-wife sounded almost apologetic for lighting three candles and defended her reasoning. She wasn't surprised to hear that their daughter was at the forefront of her mind as she prepared to save a baby who was born under the same circumstances; that they were the reason for the lighting of two of the candles. When Arizona talked about why she lit the third candle, the person after whom she named the tiny baby upstairs, Callie's head snapped up, her knees almost buckled, and she felt a sharp stabbing in her chest. Dark chocolate eyes filled with unshed tears as Arizona explained that he was named after the baby she'd never gotten the chance to hold, the baby she'd lost, the baby she had apparently already had a name for; their son, Cayden Mattias. The name she'd given to a tiny baby with no parents, was the very name a mother never got the chance to use for her own child.
As those hot tears finally rolled down Callie's cheeks, she watched Arizona walk up to the altar, touch the rim of the glass container holding one of the candles, and talk to their unborn child. She listened while her ex-wife spoke to him as if she had known him, told him she thought about him every day, and explained to him sympathetically that she wasn't replacing him, she was honoring him. All Callie could hear from that point forward was her heart pounding in her ears while her mind took her back to that awful day, the day they'd just found out there was no heartbeat. She stood in the attendings lounge accusing her wife of trying to pick a fight with her. Her wife who had just lost a baby needed and deserved comfort and instead…Callie shook her head in disgust at herself. Instead of supporting her, she argued that this was her child too and in the same breath told her they could try again as if this loss meant nothing. Dropping her head in shame, she recalled her wife's response, I can't take another loss Callie! The words echoed through her mind like a siren, an alarm she never heard, a warning that her wife was not okay.
Rather than mourn alongside her, however, instead of taking her in her arms and holding her, comforting her, she became angry. She was hurt and enraged that Arizona didn't want to try again. She was so focused on what she wanted that she never thought about what they had just lost. She never once considered the fact that she was pushing for more children while the baby who didn't have a heartbeat was still in her wife's womb. When she should have stayed, should have been with Arizona while she went through the process of physically removing their baby from her body, she stormed out and went to a patient's side instead. She focused on her work, and because she was wallowing in her own anger at her wife for not wanting to try again, she never recognized how much the other woman was hurting and by that time in their relationship, Arizona had become a master at hiding it from her. Her wife was overtaken with depression, plagued by her PTSD, and she never even noticed.
Arizona lived every day thinking of her lost child, the piece of her she never got to see, and Callie refused to acknowledge the loss and pushed through the pain. Right now though, she couldn't push through the ache in her chest, the guilt that tore at her gut. Wrapping one arm around her middle as if she could soothe the shame churning in her stomach, she lifted her hand to her mouth to try to cover the sobs but there was no point, she was heard anyway. When she looked up, she found startled blue eyes filled with pain, guilt, and fear boring into her. Having no other words, Callie's voice broke as she asked, "You named him Cayden?" Then she watched as Arizona's eyelids fluttered closed and when they opened again, they instantly welled with tears.
Arizona wasn't certain what shocked her more, the anguish and vulnerability she heard in Callie's voice, or the fact that she was here at all. As had become her habit over the last few years when it came to Callie, Arizona's first instinct was to throw up her walls and lash out for listening to something so private and personal. For some reason, one she'd explore later, she couldn't find it within herself to do that. She didn't feel defensive, she didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed of what she'd said, of the things her ex-wife heard. She knew from their talk not even a week ago, that Callie had never let herself mourn, never let herself think about the child they never had. She was also well-aware that she herself had never let on that she had thought about him, she couldn't not think about him, and in the past year, she'd learned to mourn him properly. She'd learned to call him by his name, allow herself to talk about him, and most importantly, recognize that he did exist, at least for a moment, and it was okay to remember him.
While this was a discussion that was a long time coming, it wasn't one they could have right then. It broke her heart because she knew how it felt to have a patient take priority over something so important, this very topic actually. Feeling her eyes burn and fill with tears, Arizona closed them to keep the flood of sadness at bay, yet when she opened them again, she found her vision was blurred and the tears fell down her cheeks as she started to admit the truth to her ex-wife, "Callie…I…" Her words were cut off when the shrill tone of her pager rang out through the quiet room and she didn't have to look down to know it was for Cayden.
Taking a step forward, preparing to rush out of the room, Arizona stopped herself, knowing she couldn't leave things like this, knowing her ex-wife deserved better. She reached out for Callie's hand, and softly stated, "I did, I named him Cayden…in my head. I want to talk about this, we need to talk about this…" Callie nodded her head in agreement and finished, "We do but I know this isn't the time. You have a baby to save, a little boy who will live and grow to be strong and healthy and carry on the legacy of our son." Arizona's breath hitched at those two words…our son, and she could swear she felt another one of the cracks in her severely broken heart begin to heal. Callie stepped aside so Arizona could leave, then remembered why she came in search of her ex-wife in the first place, reached out to grab her hand, turned to look at her and admitted, "I came looking for you because I figured you'd need support, I came to tell you…" She put her hands on her shoulders, looked her square in the eyes and proclaimed, "You. Are. Great!" Arizona felt the warmth surge through her at hearing those words again. The words she didn't know she needed, spoken by the person she never expected to hear them from, were enough to give her the strength and courage she needed. She smiled softly and whispered, "Thank you Callie." Callie nodded and smiled in return, then without realizing what she was doing, took Arizona's hand and briskly led her down the hall to the bank of elevators.
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When they stepped off the elevator, Arizona became hyper focused on the alarms she heard going off down the hall and took off at a clipped pace, as fast as her leg would allow, when she realized the sound was coming from the isolation chamber. Rushing inside the outer prep room, she scrubbed as quickly as she could, while staring into the room, trying to gauge what was happening, when she felt someone putting her scrub cap on her head, then tying a mask around her mouth and nose. As she reached the door, she saw a pink gown being held out for her, stuck her arms through the sleeves and looked up to see Grey putting on her gloves while Callie tied the gown around her. She rushed into the room and heard Karev's gruff voice informing her, "He keeps choking and gagging, his breathing is labored, and his heartrate is dropping by the second." Arizona glanced up to the monitors, watched as all the numbers decreased at an alarming rate, and without hesitation, dropped the sides of the incubator, and none too gently pushed her protégé out of the way and picked up the suction only to find nothing was coming out.
In complete surgeon mode now, Arizona considered her options and ordered, "I'm going to take out the vent. Be prepared with suction." Karev started to argue, "You can't just…" Arizona's head snapped around and firmly exclaimed, "What I can't do is argue with you right now, so do it or get out of the damn way." Already removing the tape which held the tube in place, Arizona pressed on the tiny chest to help the baby expel the tube, and carefully pulled it out, ripping the suction from Karev's hand and retrieving as much of the mucus and fluid as she could with one hand while still pumping on his chest with two fingers, all while the monitors were beeping wildly around her. She stared at the tiny baby who was still coughing and gagging and realized the suction wasn't helping. Gently picking him up, she turned him over, able to easily hold him in one hand, while firmly patting his back with the other, and watched while the sputum and thick mucus formed a small pool on the clean white sheets. Feeling his body go limp at the same time the heart monitor slowed, each beat feeling like hours apart from the next, Arizona turned Cayden over, laid him on the bed, and her heart sank when his lips started to turn blue and his skin took on a greyish tint. It was clear to her at that moment, despite hoping otherwise, that Cayden's little lungs weren't strong enough to function on their own.
She started chest compressions with two fingers while holding out her hand and demanding, "Scalpel!" When the instrument was placed in her hands, she looked at Karev and ordered, "Take over compressions, stop when I tell you so I can make a precise cut. She looked up at Bailey who was the only other person in the room and declared, "I need you to have the trach tube ready to hand to me, and I'll also need the manual pump close by until we get the vent in place." The chief nodded, placed the manual pump next to the tiny baby's head, and opened the sterile packaging of the breathing device. Arizona watched as Bailey pulled the tubing out of the package, immediately recognized there was a problem, and asked, "What size is that?" Bailey read the information on the neckplate and answered, "It's 3.5 millimeters." Arizona shook her head and declared, "That's not going to work! It's too big. I need a 2.5." Karev defended, "That's the smallest one we've got Robbins." Arizona snapped, "Then figure out how to get me a smaller one!" Seeing his hesitation, Arizona moved his hand out of the way, continued compressions, and demanded, "Now Karev! I'm losing him." Nodding his head, he rushed from the room, already pulling his phone out of his pocket.
As soon as Meredith and Callie heard the exchange, they looked at one another and started making calls to local hospitals, requesting the proper size of tracheostomy tube. Karev stepped into the room, surprised not only to see his colleagues standing there, but already making calls. As the three continued to call, anxiously staring into the isolation room to see what Arizona was doing and to monitor the baby's progress, they became disheartened at every negative response they received. Disconnecting her last call, Callie declared, "Nothing from Seattle Presbyterian." Meredith added, "And nothing from Seattle Medical Supply." Karev ran his hand down his face and muttered, "Damn it! We're out of options." He no sooner spoke those words when the heart monitor flat lined and Arizona called out, "I'm losing him." All three surgeons watched in utter shock as Arizona jumped into action, tipped the tiny head backward, placed her finger on his neck, and prepared to cut a vertical line to expose the trachea.
Arizona continued compressions on the translucent chest, listened as the coughing and gagging became nothing but a faint wheezing sound, then heard the monitor flatline at the same time she felt the tiny heart beneath her fingers slow to a stop. She quickly rolled up the thin hospital blanket placed it under the back of Cayden's neck to expose his throat, ran her finger along the ridges, searching for the second and third tracheal rings, started to make the cut and commanded, "Torres, grab another kit, find anything that is no bigger than 2.6 Millimeters and figure out how to make the adaptations, Grey and Karev, get me any tubing as close to 2.5 millimeters as you possibly can." Looking down at the tubes and wires connected to the tiny little boy, she corrected, "No, get the tubing from an I.V. bag. I've got about 10 minutes." All three surgeons looked at one another in shock, understanding that Arizona was about to create her own trach and jumped into action.
Arizona blew out a deep breath and pressed down on the scalpel, watching the blood seep out of the open wound. She was well aware of the risks she was taking, but if she did nothing, she'd just lost a patient, one she recognized that she couldn't afford to lose. Feeling Bailey step to her side, she watched as the other woman cauterized the blood vessels and continued to cut through the miniscule amount of fatty tissue while Bailey followed her every move with the cauterizing pen. The two surgeons worked quickly and efficiently to expose the airway as cleanly as possible to avoid further complications. Arizona lifted the scalpel to the exposed windpipe and warned, "Be ready with suction." Miranda put down the instrument she was holding, picked up the suction, and watched as blood, fluid, and mucus flowed from the opening. As she suctioned it all out, they both sagged in relief when the suction was removed, followed by a small puff of air and the heart monitor slowly began to beep. Looking around for anything she could use to keep the air flowing, Arizona's eyes landed on one particular object, reached for it, cleaned it thoroughly with alcohol pads, used her scalpel to cut a small hole at the top, then stuck it into the incision she'd just made, gently pumping air in and out of the lungs, sighing in relief when the tiny chest began moving up and down and the beeping of the monitor gradually increased.
Bailey was so focused on watching the monitor and glancing at the sliding glass door, waiting for their colleagues to return, hopefully with something they could use to keep the patient alive, she didn't see what Arizona was doing. When she noticed all the numbers on the monitors start to improve, she turned around to report to the fetal surgeon and stared at her in disbelief. She looked down at the tiny baby she thought for sure they had lost and watched his color gradually improve while Arizona squeezed the small bulb at the end of a nasal aspirator as if it were something she did on a daily basis. Incredulous and slightly in awe at the innovative thinking, the shorter woman asked, "Did you seriously just make a manual resuscitator out of something we use to clean out the nasal passage?" Arizona stared down at her hand as if she just realized what she had done and replied, "Uh, it looks like I did." She watched as the darker skin around her chief's eyes formed tiny wrinkles and knew she was smiling beneath her mask. Bailey shook her head back and forth and commented, "You never cease to amaze me Robbins." Arizona continued the steady palpations of the bulb and replied, let's just hope my other idea works just as well." Bailey nodded in agreement and both women focused on the up and down motion of the little chest.
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Callie held the neckplate in her hand while she went through every drawer in her lab, looking for something she could use as an adapter. When she came up empty, she glanced around the room, and decided to create a whole new neck plate. Picking up a small piece of flat titanium, no thicker than the plastic neck piece, she quickly traced the pattern and using the tools in her lab, filed it down and rounded the edges so it was slightly smaller than the one they had and could comfortably fit on the baby's neck. She found the center of the piece, used her compass to draw a circle exactly 2.6 milimeters in diameter, picked up the tool she used to weld her robotic limbs, and welded around her pencil markings, burning a perfect circle out of the center. She filed that down as well, looked around her lab for something she could use as a connection to the ventilator, found a variety of small hollow rods and prayed one of them would fit into the hole she'd just made. After the fourth try, she found one that fit perfectly, cut it to size, and welded it in place just as Meredith and Alex burst through the door with the tubing. After making sure it fit, they all ran out of the room at full speed and returned to the NICU.
Arizona anxiously watched the clock, realizing it had been nearly fifteen minutes since she sent her colleagues off on what she hoped wasn't a wild goose chase. She had stabilized Cayden's breathing for now, but the O2 levels were nowhere near where they needed them to be and she wasn't sure how long her makeshift aspirator would work. She felt Bailey pat the sweat from her forehead and focused on the repetitive action of squeezing the bulb when she heard and felt clumps of mucus clogging the opening of the tiny pump. Carefully removing the aspirator, she cleared the fluid away while Bailey suctioned the remaining mucus from Cayden's throat, then gently inserted it and started again, noticing in just that brief amount of time, his numbers had started to decline. As the tiny chest rose up and down, Arizona encouraged, "That's it, you keep fighting little man. That's what Cayden means, it means you are a great fighter, so I need you to fight." The blonde continued her life saving techniques, not even realizing she had matched her own breathing with that of her tiny patient. She ignored the pain in her leg, fought back the exhaustion she was feeling after being awake for nearly thirty hours, and blocked out the cramping in her hand from the repetitive actions, her sole focus was on keeping the tiniest of humans alive.
When Callie rushed into the outer room with the makeshift device in her hand, both women sagged in relief. Bailey slid open the door just far enough to retrieve it and when the cold metal touched her gloved hand, she looked down and realized why it took so long for them to return. She nodded her head in appreciation and approval, then crossed the room, showed Arizona the device, and asked, "Is this what you need? Is it going to work?" Arizona lifted her head, expecting to find several pieces of plastic tubing taped together, and was shocked when she saw a perfect replica of a trach tube. She stared at the shiny metal neckplate with the I.V. tubing connected at one end, complete with the pump and balloon, noticed the valve was the exact size needed to connect to the vent, glanced over at her ex-wife who clearly just created this masterpiece, swallowed the lump in her throat and answered, "It's perfect, thank you." Callie nodded at Arizona and wondered about the little flip in her stomach at her ex-wife's approval.
Without hesitation, Miranda thoroughly cleaned and sterilized the new trach and laid it on the tray next to Arizona. Taking her place across from the fetal surgeon, she picked up the ventilation tube, held it in one hand and took over the compressions of the nasal aspirator with the other. Arizona picked up the suction and directed, "At my nod, remove the aspirator, I'll suction the area, insert the trach, and connect the vent, as soon as it's locked in place, turn on the machine." Bailey nodded in understanding, watched as the fetal surgeon's eyes darted around to make sure everything was in place, heard her deep inhale, and waited for her nod.
The three surgeons stood on the other side of the glass enclosure and stared into the room with rapt attention. Alex watched as his mentor and chief got into place, realized what they had been using to keep the baby alive, and asked, "Dude, did Robbins use a booger cleaner as a manual respirator?" Both Callie and Meredith followed his gaze, their eyes widened in surprise, and Callie felt that odd flip again, unsure why she puffed up with pride, and replied, "She did." They continued to watch as the fetal surgeon suctioned the area and smoothly slid their creation into the small hole. Though they couldn't hear it, they knew from the relief they saw in both surgeon's eyes that the little gust of air they needed to hear to prove the tube was in the right place just escaped.
Arizona exhaled along with the baby, squeezed the miniscule blue pump to inflate the balloon at the end of the tube she just inserted, attached the vent to the adapter on the neck plate, waited for Bailey to turn on the machine, and watched the tiny chest for any sign of movement. Five sets of eyes stared at the baby with bated breath and waited for what felt like hours but was only a matter of seconds before the first rise and fall of the chest, then listened while Bailey called out the gradually increasing numbers of the O2 levels. Arizona stared at the heart monitor and watched the green line as it started to move up and down at a regular pace. When both levels held steady for several minutes, Arizona backed away from the table, doubled over with her hands on her knees, took her first real breaths in over an hour, and whispered, "Thank you," to the God she'd just prayed to, the baby she'd never held, and the universe at large for helping her keep this baby alive.
After a nurse cleaned up and left the room and the other surgeons returned to their regular duties, Arizona noticed Bailey lingering by the door staring at her intently. Miranda could see the dark circles under the fetal surgeon's eyes, the stress weighing down on her by the way she held her body, and as much as she tried to hide it by taking slow methodical steps or pushing herself across the room on the stool, she was limping, which meant she was in pain. Stepping closer to the blonde, Miranda gently suggested, "Go home Robbins, eat something, get some sleep, and come back fresh in the morning." Arizona looked into the incubator and replied, "We both know that's not going to happen. I'll go when I go." The chief shook her head at the persistent woman and asked, "What if I said that was an order, not a request and if you don't go home, I'll suspend you for three days." Arizona smirked at her and replied, "You wouldn't do that. You need me." The shorter woman shook her head at that and muttered, "Stubborn ass woman," then stepped out of the room.
When Arizona was finally left alone, she pulled the curtain across the large glass window, sat on the stool next to the incubator, and finally let the tears she'd been holding in for hours flow freely. She wept for the tiny baby boy who almost lost his life today, for the parents who would never know how strong he was or be able to watch him grow, for the child she never held, and for her daughter who lay in a plastic crib just like this one for nearly three months and the only indication of her struggle was a scar on her chest. Along with her tears, Arizona released all the stress and tension she'd been feeling for nearly two days. She knew Cayden wasn't out of the woods yet but with each breath he took, he moved closer to surviving and growing.
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After leaving the isolation room, Callie went back to her lab and tried to focus on her robotic limb project with very little success. Her thoughts kept wandering back to the isolation room, to the tiny baby who almost lost his life, and to the blonde surgeon who worked relentlessly to save him. She couldn't help but worry and wonder what would have happened to Arizona if Cayden didn't make it. Her ex-wife had focused all of her attention on this baby, seen him as a reflection of both Sofia and the baby she'd lost. She lifted her hands, rubbed her eyes, and no matter how hard she fought it, she feared that Arizona was so invested in this child that if something did happen to him, she wouldn't be okay. Most prevalent on her mind though, was the vision of Arizona in that chapel, hearing her heartbreaking words, and the way she felt compelled to take the smaller woman in her arms and finally mourn the loss of their child together. She looked at her hand and would swear she could still feel the tingle of Arizona's touch, hear the soft spoken words, tinged with regret that they couldn't talk about it at that time, and knew there was something she needed to do, someone she needed to talk to before she could talk to Arizona. Determined to start making amends, the ortho surgeon left her lab to seek guidance in the only place she knew to find it.
Several minutes later, Callie was in the chapel, sitting in the exact spot Arizona occupied hours earlier. She sat staring at the candle she'd just lit, while replaying the words she wasn't meant to hear in her mind. Once again, she let the guilt and anger at herself overtake her. The closest she'd ever come to mourning, the first time she even allowed herself to think of the baby they lost, was last week. She buried the hurt and disappointment and allowed it to turn into anger and unleashed that anger on the person who least deserved it. Resting her elbows on her knees, Callie held her head in her hands and wondered why she did that, why she always turned her anger toward Arizona when things didn't go her way. She let out a sob when she realized that in this situation, just like with Mark, she returned to the same tired argument. She always accused Arizona of not wanting children based only upon their first argument so many years ago. She brought it up time and again, long after Arizona proved that not only did she want to be a mother, but she was also damn good at it. She loved Sofia with every fiber of her being and as she learned today, she loved the tiny fetus growing inside of her just as much.
Callie sat up, stared at the candle once again, and whispered, "I'm sorry Cayden. I'm sorry I didn't keep your memory alive. I'm sorry I didn't allow myself to think about you. Most importantly, I'm sorry I let your mommy go through losing you alone. It's not that I didn't love you, knowing you were coming into this world was one of the greatest joys I've ever felt. Losing you…I just, I didn't know how to deal with it. I never know how to deal with loss. Mama's going to fix that now, I'll let myself think about you, I'll let myself cry for you, and I'll let myself wonder what you would have looked like, if you would have inherited your mommy's dimples, if you would have picked up on some of my mannerisms. I promise I'll think of you, I'll talk to you, and I'll talk about you." Hearing the door open and close, Callie quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, and watched as her chief went to the altar, struck a match, lit a single candle, turned, and took a seat next to her.
After checking on her own patients, Miranda couldn't keep her mind off the fetal surgeon and the lengths she went to in order to save Cayden. She wasn't sure what would have happened if they lost that baby today. Though it wasn't something she was concerned about affecting Arizona's performance on the job, the memory of finding her friend in her darkened office, apologizing profusely to her ex-wife, while carving into her own leg with a scalpel, was never far from her mind. In this case though, with a baby born much like her own daughter, a patient so close to her heart, Miranda worried that it could trigger her PTSD. Knowing it was out of her hands, she decided to give it to God and made her way to the chapel to light a candle and pray for her friend and colleague. When she opened the door, she was slightly surprised to find Torres sitting in the front row. It wasn't a place she frequented often anymore. Quietly walking up to the altar, she lit a candle, closed her eyes and silently asked for protection and peace for Arizona.
Sitting down next to the ortho surgeon, she noticed the red-rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks and thought that Cayden had also struck a chord with Callie in the same way he had with Arizona. Covering the lighter skinned tan hand with her own, Miranda offered, "He's going to be okay." Callie glanced sideways and couldn't help the tremor in her voice when she asked, "Is she? Is Arizona going to be okay?" Though she'd seen the interaction between the two ex-wives change from angry to cordial to friendly, and of course she'd heard the rumors, Miranda was still slightly surprised by the question. Over the past two years, it seemed as though Callie took no interest in her ex-wife's well-being at all and it made her wonder if her assumption was correct, if Torres saw Robbins in her future, if that was the reason she broke things off with the younger resident. Not knowing how much to say, she opened her mouth to give the speech about Robbins being an excellent surgeon when Callie made a surprise admission.
When her chief didn't respond right away, Callie's eyes remained focused on the front of the room as she admitted, "I know Miranda, I know about all of it. Arizona told me. I just…is this going to set her back?" Stunned by the revelation, Bailey merely shook her head and replied, "I can't tell you that Torres because I don't know. I won't lie and say the thought hasn't crossed my mind or that's not the reason I'm here right now." It was Callie's turn to be surprised and she finally looked at her friend and asked anxiously, "Why? Have you noticed a change? Did she say something? Is she…where is she?" Tightening her grip on Callie's hand, Miranda assured her, "No Torres, I haven't seen anything different, I'm just concerned, like you, that with Cayden reminding Arizona so much of Sofia, of that traumatic experience of almost losing the two of you, that she might regress. It doesn't mean she will, but it doesn't mean I can't pray for her either." Callie relaxed, exhaled slowly, turned her hand to grip Miranda's and hesitantly asked, "Can we um…can we pray for her together?" The smaller woman smiled, nodded her head, and the two women bowed their heads, closed their eyes, and sent up a silent prayer for the blonde woman who had suffered so much trauma over the years.
When they were finished, Bailey looked at Callie and declared, "I have no idea what's going on with you two, but maybe she'll listen to you. She's been focused on nothing but that child for nearly two days. I can't get her to eat or sleep, or even leave the room." Callie furrowed her brow in concern, stood up, and assured, "I'll try." When she started to walk away, Bailey called out to her, "Hey Torres?" The brunette turned around and knew it was her chief talking to her, rather than her friend, when she heard, "Great job on that trach today." Callie nodded her head and left the chapel, already developing a plan and pulled out her phone to start making calls. She stopped two interns who were walking through the lobby, told them what she needed them to do, and sent them on their way. After making her calls, she ran out of the hospital and out to her car.
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Sitting in the isolation room, staring into the incubator, watching the steady rise and fall of Cayden's chest, listening to the steady hum of the ventilator, Arizona felt herself nodding off and snapped her head up, trying to fight the exhaustion that was quickly consuming her. Now that everything had settled down, the adrenaline had worn off and her baser needs kicked in. She was tired, hungry, thirsty, her residual limb was cramping up, and the chafing and blisters caused by her new prosthetic were burning and itchy, yet she still refused to leave. She stuck her hand through the hole of the incubator, caressed the soft tuft of hair with two fingers, rested her head on the cover, and quietly began singing the lullaby she used to sing to Sofia when she was in the NICU and still occasionally sang to her now. When she heard the door slide open, she was surprised to see Grey enter the room in full PPE. Arching her brow in question, Arizona tilted her head and waited for the general surgeon to tell her why she was there. Meredith crossed the room, took her hand, and guided her to the door, explaining, "I have strict orders to relieve you and force you to get out of this room, eat, and sleep." When the blonde started to argue, the door slid open once again, and she was pushed out of the isolation chamber and into the outer prep room.
When she turned to go back inside, she heard a stern voice command, "Arizona Robbins, don't you dare go back in there." She spun around to find Callie sitting on a cot with her back against the wall, a tray table standing in front of her with a brown paper bag and two cups sitting on top. When the aroma of greasy fries finally registered in her brain, her stomach responded with a deep rumbling so loud that it made both women giggle. Just to entice the blonde further, Callie held up one of the cups, waved it back and forth and teased, "I got you a strawberry shake." Arizona smiled at the thoughtfulness, the trouble Callie had clearly gone to so she would take care of herself, and finally admitted it was time to take a break. She knew she needed to focus on herself for a while and was already pushing her body to its limits. Relenting, she removed her PPE, washed her hands, and crossed the room to sit next to her ex-wife.
Callie smiled when Arizona started removing her gear, knowing she had won this round. She turned the tray and started removing the food from the bag. When Arizona sat next to her and immediately picked up the shake and nearly drank half of it in one gulp, she was pleased that she had made the right choice in food and in giving the other woman no other option but to eat and relax. She handed Arizona her burger, two orders of fries, and smirked when she pulled out two small containers of barbecue sauce which were greedily snatched from her hands. Without saying a word, Arizona unwrapped her burger, took a large bite and groaned in satisfaction. Callie watched as Arizona closed her eyes and let out a soft moan, trying to ignore the physical reaction it caused within her own body. She picked up her own burger, took a bite, and tried not to laugh when she noticed how quickly Arizona was shoving fries into her mouth.
Finally slowing down, the blonde glanced over and offered, "Thank you for this, I didn't realize how hungry I was. This tastes amazing." Studying her carefully, Callie asked, "When was the last time you ate?" Seeing the blush rise up the pale neck and cover the smooth skin of Arizona's cheeks, Callie suspected she knew the answer, but waited for the other woman to reply. Arizona looked to the ceiling, trying to remember exactly when she ate last, knew she would be in trouble and lied, "I had a donut earlier." Callie grinned wickedly, pointed at the counter across the room and asked, "That donut? The one that doesn't even have a bite taken out of it?" Arizona huffed and admitted, "Fine, it was Saturday when we went out for pizza." Just as she knew she would, Callie scolded, "ARIZONA!" Just that one word, said in that tone, made her drop her head in shame and briefly wonder why it made her feel good to know Callie cared. Arizona was thankful her ex didn't ask how long it had been since she slept, but based upon the fact that they were sitting on a cot and the disapproving look in those dark brown eyes, she suspected she already knew the answer.
Scraping the bottom of the container of barbecue sauce with her last few fries, Arizona popped them into her mouth and sat back against the wall, fighting to keep her eyes open now that her stomach was full. Callie cleaned up their wrappers, stuffed them into the paper bag, tossed them in the trash, then moved the tray out of the way. Walking to the shelf which held clean linens and pillows, Callie took out what she needed, returned to the cot, which was already covered with a bottom sheet, and placed the pillow at the end so Arizona could see into the isolation room. She knew the blonde was half asleep already and suggested, "Arizona, why don't you lie down and sleep for a couple of hours? I'll stay with Cayden and will wake you if there is any change." Already leaning toward the pillow, Arizona tried to argue, "But Sofia…" Callie nodded and replied, "Sofia is fine, Maggie picked her up from school and she's staying with Mer tonight. Just try to relax okay?" Arizona nodded, lay her head on the pillow, then her eyes popped open, she sat straight up, and bounced off the bed. At Callie's arched brow, Arizona blushed and explained, "There's umm, something else I haven't done in a while and it just occurred to me." Callie chuckled when she realized her ex-wife had to use the bathroom, but the smile left her face when she watched her walk away with a very pronounced limp.
When Arizona got to the bathroom, she went into the stall, pulled her pants down and cringed at the rolled up bandage and the blisters that had formed around her thigh. She also couldn't ignore the cramping nor the swelling which made her feel like her residual limb was being crushed in a vice. She was already experiencing pain before she came in Sunday morning, but now it was almost intolerable and if she knew Callie, which she did, she knew she noticed her limping. Though she was certain, given their tumultuous history surrounding the leg, that her ex-wife wouldn't ask or comment, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep while she was in this much pain and would have to remove her leg. Finished using the bathroom, she washed her hands and face, left the room and went straight to the supply closet to gather what she needed. Just before reaching the door to the isolation room, she hesitated, wondering if she should ask for help or wait for Callie to go into the other room with Cayden and do it on her own. Making her decision, she nodded her head and opened the door, surprised to see that Grey had left and Callie was in the process of donning her PPE to go in to be with Cayden.
Hearing the door open, Callie turned to see Arizona entering the room with an armful of medical supplies, which by the looks of it, were for her leg. She was pleased to see that her ex-wife wasn't going to try to hide the fact that she was in pain and intended to take off her leg and tend to her residual limb, which had to be swollen and aching by now. Though she wanted nothing more than to help, Callie knew that was out of the question. Turning back to the sink, she tied her scrub cap on, and offered, "I'll be out of your way in just a minute." Arizona bit her bottom lip, took a painful step toward the bed, gathered all of her courage, and asked, "Um, could you…would you mind helping me? You don't have to; it's just really swollen and I'm not sure…" Callie was happy her back was turned so Arizona couldn't see the clear shock she knew was written all over her face. Closing her eyes as the unfamiliar warmth washed over her once again, Callie straightened her face, turned and gently replied, "Of course I'll help you."
Arizona sighed in relief, put the bandages and creams on the tray table, kicked off her shoe, then proceeded to remove her scrub pants, revealing the spandex shorts she always wore underneath. She sat down on the cot and struggled to untangle her pants from the bottom of her prosthetic when Callie knelt before her and offered her assistance by holding up her hands in front of her. At Arizona's slight nod, Callie pulled the bottom of the pants around the shoe Arizona always kept attached to her foot to save her time in case she needed to put on her leg in a hurry, folded the pants and placed them on the cot. Though Arizona had switched legs in front of her and allowed her to ask questions, Callie wasn't sure what to do, what was okay, so she kept her gaze on her face, and waited for further instructions. Arizona noticed Callie wasn't making a move and looked up to see brown eyes staring at her with just a hint of fear in them. Feeling a pang of guilt in her chest, knowing she was the one to cause that fear, Arizona sighed, smiled softly, then nodded, "It's okay Callie, I wouldn't have asked for your help if I didn't need it and right now, I really need it. I don't think I can take this off by myself, it's quite swollen and hurts like a bitch." The brunette smiled ruefully, nodded, then flinched sympathetically when Arizona let out a whimper as the tight socket slid down her shortened limb.
When Callie leaned the leg against the wall by the top of the cot, she noticed it was Arizona's older leg with the c-chip and wondered why she was wearing that one until she saw her ex-wife removing bandages at the top of her thigh. Callie watched as the bandage began revealing the chafing and blisters that appeared to form a ring around Arizona's upper thigh in the exact spot where the top of the socket on her newer prosthetic would have ended. The same prosthetic, she now knew, which caused similar injuries to the patients in her trial. Feeling the anger surge through her, Callie inhaled deeply and tried to hide her ire. When Arizona finished unwrapping the bandages and tossed them aside, she noticed Callie staring at her wounds. When she saw the flash of anger in her eyes and the tightening in her jaw, she wondered the cause behind it and asked, "What is it?" Callie reached out, gently ran her finger around the bottom of the red mark, and asked, "Did your new leg do this?" Arizona nodded and replied, "Well, my new leg and thinking I could play a stupid dance game. That's why I switched to this one, the socket doesn't go as high up and it seems to fit better." She then tilted her head and asked, "How did you know this was caused by my new leg?" Callie sat back on her heels, put on a pair of gloves, and wondered if she should tell Arizona the truth, worried that it might cause an argument.
The blonde watched while Callie squeezed some of the anti-bacterial cream on her hand, blended it with a generous amount of lidocaine lotion, and waited for a response. Deciding it was best to tell Arizona now, knowing she could suffer far more injuries than this, Callie admitted, "While I was choosing candidates for my trial, I noticed that several of them had the same complaints, rubbing, chafing, blistering, ill-fitting socket, and when I recognized the pattern, I went back to each file and found they all had the same model of prosthetic. One of the files included a picture of his wounds, which look very much like yours, as well as a picture of his prosthetic leg." Arizona nodded and concluded, "Which also looks very much like mine." Callie nodded, started applying the lotion to the affected area and declared, "I had planned on warning you, I just wanted to do a little more research to see if it was a common complaint. I agree with you though, the socket is too long and the rubbing is caused by your muscle movement. It doesn't matter if you were playing the game or not."
Finished with applying the medication, Callie removed her gloves, wrapped a nonstick pad around Arizona's thigh, followed by gauze, and asked, "Is this the first time this happened?" Arizona shook her head and replied, "No, it's not the first time, but it seems to get worse every time. Usually it's not so bad that I have to switch legs." Callie nodded and was surprised when Arizona asked, "Would you recommend that I not use the other leg? Should I take it back to get resized?" Callie considered what she'd learned so far and suggested, "I think if this leg works for you, you should keep wearing it for the time being. You should definitely see about getting a new socket, even if the one you have is resized, it could still cause you problems and maybe even injury." Arizona nodded in understanding, then started to massage the kinks from her leg.
Callie watched while Arizona massaged her aching muscles, noticed her position on the floor between her legs, and without warning, her mind took her back to the x-ray screening room, only this time they were married and it was she who was giving the massage. She remembered the feel of Arizona's skin under her hands, the tender expression on her face, the love in her eyes when she looked at her and thanked her. Callie's heart skipped a beat when she thought about how much she missed that look, how it felt to have that look aimed at her. It was like she was the only person in the world. Starting to get choked up, she shook her head to clear her mind of those thoughts and noticed Arizona's hands had stopped moving and she was looking at her with a far off expression in her eyes.
Arizona began rubbing out the cramps in her leg and something about this situation, about their position, triggered a long hidden memory. Callie was on her knees in front of her, pleading with her to allow her to help her. While she was still disgusted by her leg, she knew it was time to try to open herself up to her wife. Even though she was angry at first, when Callie removed her leg, she couldn't deny how good her hands felt, not just the massage, but the way her wife's skin felt against hers, the jolt of electricity that coursed through her veins at that simple touch, and when she looked down into her wife's face, she could see the pleasure it gave her to finally be able to help her relieve her pain. That look, the care with which she handled her, made her feel so much love for the other woman she couldn't contain it. She longed to see that look again, to feel that love again, she knew she'd never feel it from anyone else but the person kneeling before her. She was broken from her thoughts when she hit a particularly sore spot and let out a soft cry of pain.
Fighting the urge to reach out and help, Callie shook one of the ice packs to activate it, and suggested, "Maybe we should ice it and wrap it for a while, let the swelling go down before you attempt to do that." Arizona nodded in agreement and held the ice packs in place while Callie expertly wrapped her leg. The blonde couldn't help but stare at the tan hands while they moved quickly and efficiently around her residual limb, she lifted her head and for a brief moment, the two of them locked eyes and held each other's gaze until Callie broke contact, focused on fastening the ace bandage, cleared her throat, and asked, "How does that feel?" Arizona sighed in relief as the ice packs began to cool her heated skin, and answered, "Better. Thank you Callie." Unable to hold back her smile, Callie replied, "You're welcome." When she stood and started cleaning up, she looked back down at her ex-wife and said, "Thank you for allowing me to help." Arizona nodded and settled herself on the cot, knowing she would be asleep in minutes, and smiled when she felt the blanket cover her body.
Callie threw away the garbage, washed her hands, and prepared to gear up again, when she heard the lilting voice call out to her, "Hey Callie?" Turning around, she simply let out a hum and waited for Arizona to say what she needed to say. Sleepy blue eyes looked in her direction and Arizona offered, "Thank you…for everything you did today. I couldn't have saved Cayden if it weren't for you." Callie smiled softly and replied, "I have no doubt you would have thought of something, but I'm glad I could help." Callie tied her mask on her face and prepared to scrub in when she heard, "Callie?" Turning around again, Callie replied, "Yeah?" Arizona took a deep breath and revealed, "I haven't forgotten I promised I'd talk to you about Cayden…um our Cayden." Callie's heart lurched when Arizona said, "Our Cayden," then took the mask down and assured her, "I know you haven't and we will. Just get some rest now okay?" Arizona nodded, closed her eyes, and by the time Callie was finished scrubbing in and turned off the water, she heard the soft snores filling the quiet room. Before going in to keep watch over the tiny baby, Callie allowed herself just a minute to watch her ex-wife sleep, to recall all of the times she'd woken up and gone to sleep to that beautiful face.
A/N: Thank you all for the great responses. I am thrilled that so many of you love this story. I didn't want to keep you waiting long and hopefully the longer chapter will hold you over until the next one.