"There was a point, things were really good between us, the voices were quiet, and I just wanted to move on. I wanted to push forward this time, to put the pain of the past year behind us."
"The baby."
"It's okay to mourn the loss Callie. It WAS your loss too. It was just another thing we handled differently. In my mind, my body failed me again, I lost another piece of me. That was another time when I just…I wished I had…To me, that meant I failed you again. I failed you as a wife. I couldn't give you what you wanted…what we both wanted and when we talked about it…"
"When we talked about it, I pushed again. You hadn't…Jesus Arizona, you just found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat…alone! You hadn't even expelled…FUCK! I stood there and looked you in the eye and started talking about trying again. I didn't acknowledge your pain; I didn't even see the loss as a loss. I just…I got mad when you didn't want to try again and I did what I do, what you asked me not to do this time, I walked away."
Callie sat straight up in her bed, her heart was pounding, she was drenched in sweat, and her eyes darted around the room wildly as she tried to get her bearings. When her head finally started to clear and her vision came into focus, she recognized she was in her bedroom and muttered, "It must have been a dream." Still shaken, she pulled her legs to her chest, lowered her head to rest on her knees, and closed her eyes while trying to control her breathing. The second she closed her eyes, she saw herself in Arizona's living room, standing by the window, just like in her dream, as the conversation ran through her mind once again. Her head snapped up and her eyes popped open when she realized it wasn't a dream at all; it was a memory…a recent memory. They'd already started this conversation and she… "Fuck" …she'd walked away again, effectively ending the discussion and shoving the thoughts to the back of her mind.
Recalling her words once again, she rubbed at her temples and realized that she'd already started to come to the same conclusions that had plagued her all week since she found Arizona in the chapel. This time though, hearing the pain and anguish in Arizona's voice, knowing she'd already decided on the gender and named the baby, she couldn't push her thoughts aside, she couldn't shove them back into the neat little box where she'd kept them hidden for so long. She knew now, she didn't want to do that anymore, she wanted to acknowledge Arizona's pain, finally allow her the opportunity to talk about him, she wanted to know what her wife went through, and most importantly, she needed to admit that her own reactions and behaviors were unacceptable and could only hope Arizona could forgive her.
Angry and frustrated with herself all over again, Callie threw off her covers, went into the bathroom, and washed her face. When she looked in the mirror, she saw the same reflection she'd seen in the glass door of the isolation room and quietly asked herself, "What happened to you? Where did you go?" Knowing that was a conversation she needed to have with Dr. Carr, Callie turned off the light, stumbled her way through her bedroom, went to her dresser, pulled out a clean shirt, and went to sit on the edge of her bed. Picking up her phone, she saw that it was just past midnight and though she was wide awake now, she needed to try to get some rest. She climbed back into bed and as her thoughts and memories played through her mind, she allowed the tears to flow and eventually fell into a restless sleep.
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Standing in line at the bakery, waiting for the young man to fill her order, Callie sent a quick text to Arizona to let her know she was on her way. Her leg started to shake nervously and she could already feel her anxiety rising with each passing minute. When she finally fell asleep again, she tossed and turned all night, haunted by old memories and snippets of conversations they'd had. After she was awoken again, that time with thoughts of Arizona in the chapel, she'd decided to give up on trying to sleep and lay in bed playing out different scenarios of how their talk today might go. Just like the first time they'd planned to meet, she wondered how the conversation would start, if they'd get right to the point or ease into it. She couldn't really imagine how to ease into this topic though. She also felt a churning in her stomach as she worried and wondered if this was the talk that would put them back at square one, if what they said today would be too much for them to work through. She was broken from her thoughts when the familiar pink box was handed to her over the counter and she couldn't help but smile as she thought about how excited Arizona used to get when she walked into the apartment or their house with this same type of box in her hand.
Walking out to her car, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and figured that Arizona had responded to her text. Once she got into the car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and opened her messages. While she was reading the text telling her the door was unlocked and to just come in when she got there, a picture popped up right below it and she couldn't contain the smile that spread across her face. Tapping on it to zoom in, she saw the picture she'd nearly forgotten Sophia had taken of them right after they put their pizzas in the oven and fortunately had removed the god awful hairnets. She and Arizona were standing side by side behind Sofia and had bent down so their faces were on the same level. Each of them had dough and flour on their cheeks and they were all smiling their genuine dazzling smiles. It was almost as if she could feel the joy jumping out at her. Unable to help herself, she zoomed in a little more and studied cerulean blue eyes. Her heart took a little tumble when she saw they were twinkling with excitement and happiness once again. It also stung just a bit when she realized this was their first family photo since before the divorce.
Not caring what it would look like to anyone else, she saved it as the wallpaper on her phone. This was her family, no matter what form it took now, this would always be her family. She just hoped that after today, they'd have more days like that. Taking a deep breath, she started her car and pulled up her favorite playlist, trying to rid her mind of those types of negative thoughts. In an attempt to stay positive, she told herself if they made it through those other difficult conversations, they'd make it through this one.
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After receiving Callie's text, Arizona sent a quick reply along with her favorite picture she'd come across while flipping through the photos taken during their pizza making adventure. She'd already printed it off and planned to put it in a frame and hang it on her wall with the other family photos. Trying not to focus on the two year gap between this one and the last one they took; Arizona went into the kitchen to start the coffee. She knew it would take more time, since maneuvering around with crutches wasn't the easiest or most graceful thing to do, especially when trying to carry things from one side of the room to the other. Fortunately, she'd picked up a few tricks along the way, and instead of struggling to keep her balance while also trying to hold something in her hand, she'd learned to carry a small canvas bag with her and place the items she needed inside. This saved her from both the fear of falling or dropping something as well as the hassle of making several trips around the room to collect the items she needed.
While she'd finally become comfortable in her own skin, found herself beautiful and sexy again, she still sometimes hated the limitations, especially in instances like this, when it was just too painful to wear her prosthetic. She was even learning to accept that, however, after starting therapy with Ginnie and learning that it was a part of life, amputation or not, everyone had some sort of limitation, something they couldn't do or couldn't do easily. Case in point, one leg or two, she was still short and always struggled to reach the top shelf of her cabinets. She huffed in frustration when she couldn't grasp the bag of sugar, which mysteriously made its way up there, and finally gave up. Deciding she'd make Callie get it when she arrived, Arizona continued to make her way around the kitchen and collect the creamer and the coffee mugs. She pushed the button to turn on the coffeemaker, thankful that she had the forethought last night to fill it with water in anticipation of spending the majority of her day using her crutches.
As she watched the pot slowly fill and the rich aroma of the dark roast coffee filled the air, Arizona finally let her mind wander to the reason Callie was coming over today. She knew it was going to be painful for both of them but it was also necessary. Of all the things they fought and argued about, each of their wrongdoings they'd circled back to over and over again, this was the one thing that never came up. They both treated it as if it never happened. It did happen though, a baby existed for a short period of time, their baby, one they'd planned to have together, but she felt like she'd lost alone. At least she did until recently, they had started to talk about it, Callie had made some revelations that she was certain her ex-wife had never thought of before, and wondered if that's what upset her so badly that she ended the conversation. Then again, maybe it was an attempt to push it aside again. Whatever the case, she realized that something finally broke through on Monday when she saw the look of complete devastation on Callie's face when she found her in the chapel.
She'd never talked to Callie about the miscarriage again after it happened. She mourned in silence, put up more walls, and sank further into depression. On the other hand, as far as she knew, Callie didn't mourn at all and it seemed as if it finally caught up to her. She had no idea what Callie was thinking now, what made her break down in front of Ginnie, or how she felt after hearing her in the chapel. She knew the worst that could happen was they would end up screaming at each other. They could also finally talk about it sensibly and just maybe, mourn over the loss of their child together. Wiping her hands down her face, she tried to clear her mind, she didn't want to go into this conversation with any preconceived notions nor unrealistic expectations. While she hoped they'd both find healing, most of all, she hoped when Callie left her house today, the friendship they were building would still be intact. Hearing a car door shut, she pulled herself together and started pouring the coffee.
After the drive over and listening to some upbeat songs, Callie was in a better frame of mind and felt more prepared to have this conversation. That is, until she reached Arizona's front door. She nervously bit her lip, wondering what she should do now. Arizona had told her the door was unlocked and to come in, but now that she was there, she didn't know if she should still knock or just walk right in. This was something they didn't do, not casually anyway. Each of them had done it in a moment of distress, but this was unfamiliar territory and that thought made her feel sick. The woman behind that door was once her home and now she was debating on whether or not she needed to knock before entering her house, even with the invitation to do so. Taking a deep breath, she finally decided on both and knocked on the door before opening it, poked her head in and hesitantly called out, "Arizona, I'm here." She slumped in relief when she heard the cheerful, "Hey, come on in. I'm in the kitchen." Feeling more comfortable now that she had received the verbal invitation, Callie strolled into the kitchen to greet Arizona.
Expecting to hear the door open at any moment, Arizona poured the creamer in the coffee and waited for Callie so she could refill the sugar bowl. After a couple of minutes, she'd wondered if she was mistaken, until she heard the knock and the slight tremor in Callie's voice as she called out to her. Though she knew they were about to have a difficult conversation, she didn't understand the nervous tone in her ex-wife's voice. It took her a minute to register the fact that even though she'd told her to just come in when she got here, Callie still knocked and announced her presence, and realized it was discomfort she was sensing. This wasn't the norm for them, it was just recently that either of them actually entered the other's home. Pushing away the sadness she felt by that revelation, the idea that no matter how far they've come, they still had a long way to go, Arizona closed her eyes for a few seconds and tried to gain her composure before responding.
When Callie reached the doorway, she stopped in her tracks at the sight of Arizona in front of the coffee pot, wearing a t-shirt and sweats, obviously tailored to fit her residual limb, leaning on one crutch while she prepared the two cups of coffee. Though she knew Arizona had planned not to wear her leg today, and she'd seen her without it just recently, it was still startling to see this side of her, at home, comfortable, and seemingly quite confident. Of course she'd seen her like this for two years before their marriage ended, but Callie realized now, something she didn't see then, that the other woman was lacking in confidence, both in her body and her own abilities. Walking further into the dining room, she pushed all of those thoughts aside, set the box on the table and greeted, "Good morning, I got there just in time to get a fresh batch." Arizona turned around, smiled brightly and excitedly replied, "Good morning and yay!" Callie chuckled, knowing she would get that exact reaction and finally started to relax. Though she wanted to ask if she could help, more out of politeness than anything else, she knew Arizona was perfectly capable of making coffee.
Arizona turned to see Callie standing by the table, already looking anxious and unsure of what to do and offered, "You're here just in time, I need your help." Seeing the small smile creep across the brunette's face, she felt another pang of guilt, knowing she'd rarely asked for or accepted Callie's help in the past. Pointing to the cabinet behind her, she asked, "Would you mind taking the sugar off the top shelf? I don't even know how the hell it got up there." Callie couldn't help but laugh at the request, Arizona used to hate it when she would accidentally put things out of her reach and she had to get a chair to climb up and get it. Hearing the laughter, Arizona turned around and muttered, "Oh hush and just get the sugar."
Callie walked to the cabinet and before even opening the door, she knew she'd find everything organized neatly with all the labels facing so they could easily be seen. She wasn't disappointed when, sure enough, everything was lined up like little soldiers. Noticing a couple of boxes turned around, she realized who the culprit was, and asked, "Did you by any chance let Sof help you put groceries away?" Arizona wondered why she would ask that question until she turned to see Callie flipping boxes around and recalled, "Oh my gosh, I did! That last weekend she was here and Grey called just as we were carrying in the groceries. She must have pulled up a chair and climbed on the counter to put those things away." Callie took down the sugar, carried it over to the small area where the coffee pot was set up, picked up the sugar container, refilled it, then asked, "Where does this really go?" At the blank stare she received, Callie nodded and replied, "Right, in the cabinet next to the stove with all the other spices and cooking essentials." Arizona added sugar to each mug, shrugged and asked, "What can I say? I'm a creature of habit."
Callie put the sugar in its proper place, turned and offered, "That's not always a bad thing." Seeing Arizona put the creamer in a small bag, grab her crutches and start for the refrigerator, without thinking, she commented, "But this is new. Did you add to your list of habits?" She then winced when she realized what she'd asked. Seeing Callie's reaction to her own question, feeling that pang of guilt again, Arizona let it go, laughed ruefully and answered, "This is the result of me breaking something or falling on my ass one too many times trying to carry something with these stupid things." She looked down at the crutches and glared at them like they were animate objects. Expanding on her answer, she said, "I actually figured this out by accident one night when I realized I'd left some books in the car and was too lazy to put my leg back on. When I got out there and figured out I couldn't quite carry them all in at once, I noticed the reusable shopping bag lying on the floor, threw them all in there and suddenly my life became easier." She then turned and continued toward the refrigerator to put the creamer away.
Hearing the ease with which Arizona told the story, Callie realized that she was in fact far more comfortable with herself and her abilities; she'd learned to adapt and adjust and talked about it without resentment and anger lacing her tone. As if to prove that point, the blonde looked at her hopefully and stated, "I still haven't mastered the art of carrying coffee though, would you mind?" Callie smiled and replied, "No, of course not." As Arizona made her way to the table with her crutches, Callie started to prepare her coffee when she realized that once again Arizona had done it for her and it made her smile to know that even after all this time, that was one habit she'd never broken.
Once they were both seated and started eating their donuts, despite her recent revelations, Callie still wondered if she should, but worked past her nerves and asked, "How does your leg feel today?" Surprised that Callie asked and hearing the slight tremor in her voice, seeing the trepidation in her eyes, Arizona realized this was indeed something she needed to fix outright and not by just being more open. Deciding not to let it go any longer and to address it shortly, she answered the question first, "It feels better than yesterday. I came home last night, treated the blisters, wrapped it in ice for a while, then put on my compression sleeve before I went to bed, something I didn't do when I first got home yesterday and just passed out on the couch after Grey and Pierce left. So it's my own fault really." She sipped her coffee, then put her cup down on the table and quietly said, "Callie, I know you came here for a different conversation, but I feel like there's something I need to say first." Having no idea what was about to fall from her ex-wife's beautiful mouth, Callie just nodded and waited, certain it was about her leg, and hoped she wasn't out of line for asking.
Looking down at her shortened limb, Arizona started, "I apologized for how I treated you about the leg. What I didn't do though, is tell you that it's no longer off limits." Looking up, she saw the confusion in Callie's eyes and explained, "I saw the shock on your face that day you saw my running blade and I told you that it was okay to ask. It's the same look you had the other day when I asked you to help me with my leg, though you tried to hide it. I've seen the concern in your eyes over the past few days whenever you saw me limping and while I've waited for you to ask, you never did. Last night, I realized no matter how badly you wanted to, you wouldn't. I also knew it wasn't because you were being polite or respecting my privacy, it was because you were afraid to ask. You were afraid of my response or reaction; afraid I'd yell at you. That's why I offered the information. At first I thought if I was more open, it would come naturally and you'd feel more comfortable, but earlier when you asked about the bag and just now when you asked how my leg was, you tried to sound casual, but I could see you were still afraid of my response." Stopping to gather her thoughts, to allow Callie to say something, Arizona watched as she just slowly nodded in affirmation without saying anything and just that small action sent a sharp pain through her heart.
Callie was trying to figure out what Arizona was saying. She thought she understood when she said her leg was no longer off limits, but she needed more. She needed, she wasn't exactly sure, but the more time she spent with Arizona, the more she worried about saying the wrong thing, asking the wrong questions. While she agreed and felt Arizona was more open, more receptive to talking about her leg, and Arizona did apologize, she didn't know where the line was and honestly, she hoped this meant that line was being erased. For so long, anything even remotely related to her leg was completely taboo and it was now ingrained in her, as hard as it was, to just ignore the other woman's pain or struggles. She didn't want to do that anymore. When Arizona listed all of her recent behaviors and acknowledged that she recognized it was out of fear that she didn't ask, Callie could only nod, not sure what she could say, not sure she could speak over the lump forming in her throat.
Arizona took another sip of her coffee, looked Callie in the eye, saw that she was struggling with her emotions, and continued, "I did that. I…" She shook her head and stated, "It's like I groomed you, trained you not to ask. I was wrong Callie, how I treated you was so wrong and now there's this huge elephant in the room and I don't want it to be there anymore." She watched as tears filled mocha eyes and pressed on, "We are forming a new friendship, mending old wounds, and I don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want those old ghosts to haunt us, to stand in the way of what we are building. So I am telling you now, because I know you will always worry and wonder if you can say something; it's okay to be concerned, it's okay to ask questions, it's okay to talk about my leg. I've finally accepted it as a part of who I am. I've accepted that I will have days like this and I've had more than I care to count. What I've also accepted is that when people ask…when YOU asked or tried to help, or offered suggestions, it wasn't out of sympathy or duty or because you thought I couldn't do something, it was because you genuinely cared. You do care and you are such a loving and compassionate person, it's in your nature to do those things and I crushed that part of you, at least where my leg was concerned. So please, I know it will be hard to change that frame of mind, but I don't want you to be afraid to care anymore, I don't want to crush your spirit or make you hold back part of who you are." When she was finished, she struggled to stay in her seat and not go to Callie who was now sobbing uncontrollably.
With each word Arizona spoke, Callie felt that proverbial elephant get smaller and smaller and finally felt like she could breathe easier again. In her mind, the elephant wasn't just in the room, it was sitting on her chest and like Arizona just said, denying her the ability to be who she was, to show she cared like she always wanted to. By the time Arizona was finished talking, she was sobbing so hard, she couldn't say anything. The relief she felt from hearing those words, the immediate healing it brought to her heart was just so overwhelming, she couldn't hold back. Looking up on the table to reach for a napkin, she realized Arizona was no longer sitting across from her, but was now standing next to her with tears streaming down her face as well. Quickly standing up, she wrapped her arms around Arizona's waist, buried her head in the crook of her neck and vaguely heard the clatter of crutches hitting the floor as Arizona's arms snaked around her neck and she felt a small hand massaging the back of her head.
Arizona couldn't stand watching Callie cry, she never could. Grabbing her crutches, she made her way around the table and was about to offer Callie comfort when she looked up at her, stood up and pulled her into her arms. Hearing her muffled sobs, feeling hot tears on her neck, Arizona started crying harder as well, understanding exactly how much damage she had done. In an effort to soothe Callie, she raised her hand, ran her fingers through her hair, and whispered, "Let it all out, it's okay." For several long minutes, the two of them stood together and cried, releasing all the pain and guilt, mending yet another wound caused by the loss of Arizona's leg, neither knowing who was holding who up. Finally settling down, their sobs turning into sniffles, they each pulled back and not being able to help herself, Arizona lowered her hands to Callie's face and wiped away the last few tears as they rolled down her cheeks. Callie closed her eyes, savoring the gentle touch, took a deep shuddering breath and exhaled slowly as she tried to settle herself down. Arizona lowered her hands, rested them on Callie's strong shoulders and quietly asked, "Are you okay now?" Callie swallowed thickly, nodded her head, and with her throat dry from crying, husked out, "I'm…yeah, I'm good."
As they pulled back, Callie reached for the chair behind Arizona and held her steady while she lowered herself onto it. Sitting in her own seat, Callie turned to face Arizona and started, "I'm sorry I react…" She was cut off by the shake of the blonde's head and Arizona saying, "Please don't apologize for feeling how you feel. I'm the one who is sorry Callie. Your reaction helped me understand exactly how much damage I caused." Needing a minute to gather her thoughts, Callie took a sip of her coffee and knowing she had to be truthful, started again, "I can't lie and say it didn't hurt me not to be able to help you, care for you, or even ask about it. It's like you said, it's part of my nature, I care about people, but more than that, you were my wife Arizona, and to not be able to show my wife that I loved her, that I wanted to nurture and protect her, it…it was devastating."
Arizona nodded and sadly murmured, "I see that now, I see the damage I've done, not only to you, but also to our marriage. I just hope that someday, you'll be able to forgive me for that." Hesitantly, Callie reached for Arizona's hand, bent her head to look into azure blue eyes clouded with sadness and replied, "I already have Arizona and what you just said, it made me…" She paused, searching for her words, and finished, "It felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders, off my heart. Knowing that this, this imaginary line I was so scared to cross is gone, I've already started to heal." Arizona covered Callie's hand with her other one and returned, "I'm glad, I don't want you to feel hindered or limited by my leg any longer. I don't want you to stop being who you are." They both smiled at one another then, feeling that another wall had fallen between them.
As Callie started to turn back toward the table, she glanced down and noticed that Arizona's pantleg had, in fact, been altered so she no longer had to roll it up and pin it to keep it from falling, with a little more strength in her voice, she asked, "Can I ask you a question?" Arizona wasn't sure what Callie was going to ask, probably something about her new mindset, smiled and responded, "You can ask whatever you want Callie." Callie reached down, tugged on the elastic around the hem of her residual limb and asked, "Where did you get these? It's quite ingenious." Not expecting that question at all, Arizona threw her head back, let out a bark of laughter, and teased, "Ahh going straight to the most crucial things first, I see." She tugged on the elastic herself and answered, "These are the handiwork of my mother. The last time they came to visit, right before Thanksgiving, it was cold out and I had just gotten out of the shower and put on a pair of pajama pants. My mom came in while I was rolling up the pantleg and said…" Arizona cleared her throat and in a deep southern twang, put her hands on her hips and repeated her mother's words, "That can't be comfortable at all Arizona! Why didn't you tell me that's what you were doing? I'm fixing that tomorrow." Callie couldn't hold back her laughter; she could almost see her former mother-in-law standing in front of Arizona scolding her like a child.
Arizona laughed as well and further explained, "So, the next day, she made me hand over my pajama pants, some of my yoga pants, and a few pairs of my sweats, basically anything I lounge around in when I'm not wearing my leg, went out and bought the materials she needed, including a small hand-held sewing machine, and hemmed them up, adding elastic around the bottom so they didn't rise up." Callie looked at the pants again, shook her head, and replied, "It does look far more comfortable." Arizona nodded and replied, "It really is, most importantly, it relieves me of the hassle of dealing with the excess fabric. It's most helpful when I'm super tired and just want to fall into bed and sleep." Callie recalled how cold Arizona always got, especially at night and would just throw on shorts because she didn't want to deal with the pants.
Taking another sip of her coffee, Arizona asked, "Do you have any more pressing questions?" She watched as Callie seemed to ponder her question for a moment, then noticing the expression on her face change and her eyes fill with a sadness it was almost difficult to witness, her breath hitched as she realized what was coming. There was a reason Callie was there and it wasn't to talk about her leg. She exhaled slowly, waiting to hear what Callie had to say. Callie knew there were more things she could ask about, things she wanted to learn about Arizona's healing process, but just knowing she had the freedom to do so now was enough. Recalling the real reason she was invited over, knowing there was no easy way to start the conversation, she nodded and solemnly answered, "I do, but not about this." Arizona ran her fingers through her hair and agreed, "Yeah, I…yeah, we need to…" Her words trailed off and she suggested, "Maybe we should, ah, go into the living room." Callie nodded in agreement, thankful they'd have a bit more space between them and she'd have a few more minutes to gather her thoughts. She picked up Arizona's crutches off the floor, handed them to her, then refreshed both cups of coffee before joining Arizona in the other room.
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Once Arizona was settled in her chair, Callie placed her coffee on the end table where she could reach it, set her own cup on the coffee table and started to sit on the sofa when she realized she had too much nervous energy to sit. Arizona blew on her hot coffee, took a small sip and watched over the rim of her mug as Callie paced the living room. She wasn't sure where Callie's mind was at regarding the miscarriage; she had no idea if she was hurt, angry…who she was angry at, or if she was just a jumble of mixed emotions. If she had to venture a guess, based on her behavior, it was the latter. She set her cup down next to her, pulled her leg up and hugged it tight to her chest, then quietly requested, "Talk to me Callie." Hearing the soothing tone coming from behind her, Callie closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and was overwhelmed with Arizona's scent. She'd never noticed it before, but Arizona's house was filled with her unique scent, a mixture of her perfume, shampoo, body wash, and even her preferred laundry detergent. It surrounded her, encompassed her like a warm hug, made her feel safe, and she finally felt as if her scattered thoughts and emotions were falling into place.
Walking back to the sofa, she sat on the far end, furthest away from Arizona, looked down at her hands, wondered where she should start, and quietly offered, "We ahh, we started this conversation before…a couple of weeks ago." Having just recalled that memory earlier, Arizona wondered about Callie's thoughts on that, nodded in confirmation and replied, "We did." Callie pursed her lips, then added, "I said some things, things I didn't even know I was thinking and I just…I said them then I walked away. I took my time out." Again Arizona nodded, but this time she didn't say anything. Seeing that Arizona wasn't going to answer this time, Callie admitted, "I pushed it away again. I always push thoughts of your miscarriage, of losing our baby away and I couldn't figure out why until this past week. When I heard you in the chapel…when I heard that you had a name picked out already, then I heard you talking to him, it all hit me." No longer able to sit, she got up, but she didn't pace this time, she walked to the window, leaned against the wall and watched as two squirrels chased each other around the driveway. She couldn't bring herself to say what she was thinking, what she was feeling, ask the things she wanted to know, so she stood staring out the window and felt the tears start to roll down her cheeks.
Arizona listened intently and hung onto Callie's every word. She noticed her lips trembling, her hands shaking, and her eyes glistening as if she were about to cry, but what really caught her attention was the quiet solemn tone with which she spoke. This was unlike Callie, the person she'd come to know in recent years was boisterous, she said what she felt and was unapologetic about it. She hadn't seen this softer more contemplative Callie in several years, and if she were being honest, it had made her slightly worried. She watched while she got up and went to the window, waited for her to continue, but realized something was holding her back, and asked, "What hit you Callie? What did you figure out?" When Callie still stood there, quiet and pensive, Arizona sat back in her chair and waited patiently, understanding that her ex-wife needed to do this in her own way.
Hearing Arizona's question pulled Callie from her thoughts and she struggled to respond with the truth, the realizations she'd come to. Taking a deep breath, she turned, swiped at the tears from her eyes and asked, "Honestly?" Arizona nodded and quietly answered, "Yes please." Callie looked down at her hands, unable to look Arizona in the eye and admitted, "I think, I think listening to you talk to our son, knowing you named him, it finally made everything so real to me. I have…there are so many questions, things I never asked, things I should have known. The more I thought about it, the more questions that arose, I started feeling all these emotions; confusion, shame, regret, sadness, and anger…this horrible deep seeded anger at myself, bordering on hatred and self-loathing. I have no idea how you don't hate me Arizona." She shook her head, ran her fingers through her hair and explained, "I think…I think maybe I locked this away for so long because I knew…I knew then, somewhere deep inside, I knew that I was wrong, that I was focused on the wrong thing and I took my anger out on you." Feeling the weight bearing down on her, Callie crossed the room once again, sat on the sofa, and waited for Arizona's response.
Stunned by Callie's revelations, by the honesty in her words, the angst in her tone, Arizona sat quietly and tried to process everything she'd just said. She closed her eyes and replayed that argument in her mind as she had done over and over throughout the past few years and her own pain washed over her in waves. She recalled the devastation she felt when Callie walked out of that room. Hanging on to the last thing Callie said, Arizona's voice shook as she stated, "You were angry at me for losing the baby." Callie shook her head adamantly and was quick to correct her, "No, no I wasn't. I wasn't…" She stopped and sighed then admitted, "I almost wish I was. I wish that's where my mind went, it would…it would make more sense, it would make me feel…God Arizona, it was so much worse than that." Callie stood again and this time she took to pacing and recalled, "During our last conversation, I said I didn't see the loss as a loss. I did though, but not the loss of a life. When you said you couldn't try again, I saw it as my dream of having more kids slipping further away. I stood in front of you, not even an hour after finding out our baby didn't have a heartbeat and I…Fuck! I instantly wanted to move on. I talked about having another baby and I got angry, not because you lost our baby, but because you said you couldn't try again. I never even mourned the death of our child Arizona!" Callie's tone and volume began to rise with each word she spoke, the anger was evident in her voice and Arizona quickly recognized that anger wasn't directed at her but at Callie herself. Callie watched as Arizona closed her eyes, and waited for the anger to come, waited for the yelling to start, instead, all she saw was a lone tear make its way down Arizona's cheek.
In that moment, Arizona realized that somewhere deep inside, she knew that was the real reason Callie was angry at her, for not wanting to try again and like Callie, she'd buried those thoughts. Instead, she'd convinced herself it was because she lost the baby, she was angry at herself for losing the baby, at her body for failing her and for failing her wife, so it only made sense that Callie would be mad at her for that as well. Hearing Callie admit to that truth, to the real reason she was angry, stirred something inside of her, brought up her own memories, pain she'd held onto for so long. She knew what she was about to say would only serve to cause more guilt, however she knew it had to be said, she'd carried these feelings with her for far too long. Putting her leg down, Arizona leaned forward, looked at Callie, who was now standing in the middle of the room, and quietly admitted, "When I told you there was no heartbeat and we went into the lounge, I thought…all I wanted, all I needed in that moment was for my wife to hold me. I needed to know I wasn't alone, this was our baby, and when we went in there, I expected…I don't know, I thought we would hold each other and cry over the loss of our child. We would mourn together, comfort each other." Callie dropped her head in her hands as the guilt and shame stabbed at her heart and almost brought her to her knees.
Crossing the room to stand in front of Arizona, Callie did drop to her knees and confessed, "That's why I'm so ashamed Arizona. I just…I can't wrap my head around it. I was so selfish and only focused on what I wanted, I didn't see what you needed, what we both needed. I did what I always do and tried to push through. When I didn't get my way, when I didn't get the answer I wanted, I just…" She hung her head and shook it back and forth as if hoping the memory would just disappear. Arizona, struggling with her own emotions, trying with all her might not to cry, watched as Callie started to break down again and could no longer hold back her tears. She didn't know how to respond to everything Callie just said because it was the truth. As awful as it was, it was the cold hard truth.
Callie inhaled deeply, looked up to see that Arizona was crying and reached out to take her hands, hopeful that she wouldn't be denied. Feeling Callie's trembling hands cover her own, needing the contact, the comfort she was never offered before, Arizona turned her hands and linked their fingers. Just that small connection gave Callie the strength to go on and she continued, "When you needed me the most, I walked out. I left you standing there alone, with our baby still inside you." Arizona started sobbing at Callie's words, hearing that she finally understood what she'd done, how traumatic it was for her was too much and she could no longer hold back. She started to pull her hands away to cover her face when Callie's grip tightened and she pulled her forward on the chair and wrapped her arms around her, holding her while she wept, not for the loss of their child, but for the heartache she had caused.
As Arizona cried harder than she'd ever seen her cry before, Callie's heart shattered to pieces and she held her tighter, rubbing her hand up and down her back, trying to offer the comfort she never gave three years ago. She knew it wasn't her words, but her actions that had caused this pain and her anger at herself, the guilt she felt was almost crippling. As her own tears started to fall, she repeatedly whispered, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Arizona. I was so selfish." Arizona clutched at the back of Callie's shirt, buried her face in her chest and let go of all the pain, the horrible memories, and the tears she'd been holding back for so long, in the form of body wracking sobs until she felt as if she couldn't breathe. She didn't know how much she needed to hear those words, to hear Callie acknowledge her reaction and behaviors and the effects they had on her until the words came out of her mouth. Trying to get her breathing under control, to settle herself down, Arizona closed her eyes and focused on Callie's hand caressing her back, counted each stroke and tried to match her breathing to the slow steady movement. Finally pulling back, much like she had done earlier when Callie cried on her shoulder, Callie lifted her hands to cup her face and swiped at the remaining tears with her thumbs.
Needing some time and a little space, Arizona softly requested, "Can we…can we take a time out for a minute?" Almost relieved for the reprieve, Callie nodded, sat back on her heels and offered, "I'm going to get you some water and a cool washcloth." Arizona nodded in agreement, waited for Callie to stand up, then scooted back in her chair and pulled her leg to her chest once again. She knew this conversation would be hard, but she had no idea of the toll it would take on either of them. Based on all of their other conversations about children, she'd expected yelling, accusations, and harsh words to be tossed between them. She'd figured once Callie thought about it, she'd accuse her of never wanting children again, be mad at her for naming the baby and not telling her, for shutting down on her and not letting her in afterward, honestly for any number of things. What she didn't expect was for Callie to have been so introspective about it. Even though she'd told Ginnie she knew Callie was upset and would obsess over it, she didn't know what conclusions she had drawn, which part exactly she was upset about. Now she understood, just like the last time, with their conversation about Mark, Callie had analyzed every little piece and at some point, she'd recognized the damage her own behaviors caused. She knew the worst part wasn't over, Callie still had questions and she was almost certain what they pertained to. Trying to steel herself for the next part of the discussion, decide how to proceed, Arizona dropped her head to her knee and absentmindedly rubbed at her residual limb.
After leaving the living room, Callie went directly to the guest bathroom and closed the door. She leaned back against the sink, put her head in her hands and rubbed at her temples, trying to soothe the headache she could feel coming on from all the crying she had done. Her hands were trembling, her stomach was churning, and whenever she closed her eyes, all she could see was the expression on Arizona's face right before she burst into tears. It was like a combination of shock and anguish and she knew then that Arizona had never expected her to recognize nor admit to how she behaved in the lounge that day. That thought alone brought tears to her eyes again as she finally started to understand the damage her own actions had caused once again. She knew she'd hurt Arizona…theoretically, she'd been dwelling on it for days, but she'd never expected that reaction from her. She'd expected the opposite and figured Arizona would put up another wall or retreat into herself, not giving away how she felt. She shook her head as she realized that was the old Arizona, this new version, this person who had found healing, spent a year analyzing her own actions was more free with her emotions. She allowed herself not only to feel them, but to express them and to do so properly and not by lashing out; something she herself was still learning how to do.
Knowing they still had a long way to go and hoping that just maybe they could each find closure and move forward on common ground, Callie decided she should go back out and see if Arizona was ready to talk yet. First she needed to do what she came in for in the first place. Finding a clean face towel on the shelf, Callie turned toward the sink and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were blotchy from crying. She wet the cloth in her hand, washed her own face, then found another and ran it under cool water for Arizona. When she reached the living room, she found her ex-wife curled into a ball, her usual self-protective position, and she was rubbing her left thigh. Deciding not to disturb her yet, to give them both a couple more minutes, Callie quietly laid the damp cloth on the table next to Arizona, picked up both coffee mugs and carried them into the kitchen. She took her time rinsing them out, put them in the empty dishwasher, then went to the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles of water. When she started to walk away, she turned back, went to the freezer, and took out the plastic bag holding the package of frozen peas. She chuckled to herself when she realized that Arizona was indeed a creature of habit. She had always designated one bag of corn or peas for her leg and placed it in a sandwich bag so she knew not to cook those since they'd been thawed out and refrozen multiple times.
XXXX
Returning to the other room, she found Arizona in the same position. Still feeling a little hesitant, Callie pushed past her fears and gently laid the package of peas on Arizona's leg and started to breathe a little easier when she saw her shoulders relax and heard her small sigh of relief. She set the bottle of water next to the cloth which still hadn't been touched, then took her place at the end of the sofa and took a long drink of her water. When she put her bottle on the coffee table, she chanced a glance at her ex-wife and noticed she was holding the cool towel against her face. Taking just another minute to gather herself, Arizona washed her face, took a drink of the cold water, thankful that it soothed her sore throat, then looked at Callie, tapped the bag of vegetables on her leg and offered, "Thank you. It was starting to cramp up." She was slightly surprised when the brunette nodded and replied, "It's always bothered you more when you were upset or stressed." Arizona smiled then, realizing she should have known Callie would have picked up on that and answered, "It still does. It's worse when it's already giving me problems." Callie nodded, then smirked, pointed at the bag and remarked, "I notice that's another habit you haven't broken." Arizona chuckled and replied, "It works and it's cheaper than buying ice packs." Callie shook her head at the usual response, took another drink of her water, and felt choked up all over again at the knowledge that they could now talk about Arizona's leg so casually.
Arizona could see the slight tremor in Callie's hands and knew she wasn't looking forward to continuing the conversation either. While they were taking their little break, she'd decided to just talk, try to answer as many questions as she could without making Callie ask them. Twisting the cloth in her hands, Arizona started, "You said you had some questions. I thought maybe, it might be easier if I just…I don't know, if I just talked, if I finally opened up and told you what I was thinking and feeling at the time. Umm, like I should have done then." While Callie was relieved she wouldn't have to ask questions to get the answers she so desperately needed, she wasn't sure she was ready to hear those answers. Swallowing thickly, she nodded and softly replied, "I'd um, yeah…if you, whatever you want to tell me Arizona, I'm listening now." Arizona understood the weight of that last statement. Callie had recognized that she hadn't listened to her before, she never heard her needs.
Taking another drink of her water, Arizona decided to start at the beginning, well at least at the part she was sure Callie wanted to know more about. Putting the water back down, she looked straight ahead, focused on the wall in front of her and started, "It must have been around my sixth week, we kept referring to the baby as 'it' or 'the blob'. It was still so new to me; I had a hard time believing that I was pregnant, that 'the blob' was an actual baby. One night, I had this dream and you were wearing a pink gown, holding this tiny baby boy with light brown hair, wrapped in a light blue blanket, and you looked up with tears in your eyes and asked me what we should name him. When I woke up, I realized that maybe it would feel more real to me if I gave the baby a name. Since the baby was a boy in my dream, I don't know, I guess I thought it was some sort of sign and I thought of him as a boy from that point on. I looked in the book of baby names you'd bought and knew we wanted one of the names to be Hispanic or Latin, so…after looking at tons of names, I decided on Cayden Mattias. I picked Cayden because I felt like it had been such a battle for us to get to that point and I knew he would be a fighter just like his sister and his mommies. I chose Mattias because, well…you believe in God and he, getting pregnant, having a baby was a true blessing, a gift from God. So, that's what I called him in my mind, whenever I talked to him, and…uh, when we found out the actual gender, I was going to suggest that name for a boy or let you pick the girl's name."
Callie sat quietly listening to Arizona talk and memories of that time ran through her mind. She'd wake up every morning, rub her wife's abdomen and ask, "How's my little blob today?" Whenever they were alone, in their offices or somewhere private, they'd both put their hands on Arizona's stomach and talk to 'it'. As Arizona continued to talk, she understood exactly how she felt about needing a connection with the baby because she'd had a hard time coming to terms with her own pregnancy. Though she'd taken all the precautions like cutting out caffeine and eating better, it took her some time to realize there was an actual human growing inside her. She couldn't help but smile when Arizona talked about her dream, she could see it so clearly, so much so that it made her heart ache. She'd just started to ask about the name when Arizona offered the information freely, but she still didn't understand one thing and when the blonde was finished talking, she asked, "Why didn't you, um why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?" She didn't know how she felt about that part, if she felt left out or if she felt guilty for not noticing it on her own.
Arizona looked down at the twisted cloth in her hands then up at Callie, shrugged and answered, "I don't know. I think I felt silly or like you would think I was jumping the gun. I mean people don't usually talk about being pregnant or think about those things so early. I just…I wasn't keeping it from you, it was something I needed to do for me. I needed to form a connection with him, I needed to make him real. I guess a little part of me wanted to keep that to myself, I was afraid I think…I'd never thought about being pregnant before I met you and I didn't know if what I was feeling was normal, if I'd tell you and you'd worry that I thought we made a mistake. I didn't though, I still don't, I wanted him so much Callie." Arizona couldn't help the tremor in her voice or the tears that fell while she was talking. It was still hard for her to talk about, especially with her ex-wife. She watched while Callie processed her answer and couldn't read the expression on her face, so she asked, "Are you mad I didn't tell you?"
Sitting back on the sofa, Callie tried to take in everything Arizona said, piece it all together and she'd come to some conclusions, things that were hard for her to swallow. She knew what Arizona said, what she thought, was accurate, no matter how much she didn't want to believe that about herself, she would, in all actuality, immediately assume that Arizona thought she made a mistake, that she'd changed her mind and hated being pregnant. The other thing she recognized and only started to understand and accept since she saw her ex-wife in the chapel, was exactly how much Arizona truly wanted this baby, that she'd already formed a bond with him. She closed her eyes, her guilt rising once again because though she didn't say as much, after Arizona lost the baby and said she didn't want to try again, in her mind, she convinced herself that her wife never really wanted the baby in the first place. Just then, like a blow to the head, she finally understood that's what she'd told herself to justify her actions, not once, but twice…the first time with Cayden and the second time with the fellowship. She was so lost in her thoughts, in the emotions they evoked that she barely heard Arizona's timid voice when she asked if she was mad. The tone startled her, she'd never heard her sound so small, so vulnerable and when she turned to look at her, curled up in the big overstuffed chair, tears running down her cheeks and uncertainty in her eyes, she seemed even smaller.
When Callie finally looked at her, Arizona saw the brief flash of anger in her eyes, and the moment she popped up off the couch and started pacing again, she took a deep breath and prepared herself for the onslaught. Callie paced the room, trying to think about how to answer that question, how to say what she was feeling, she turned and with a much harsher tone than she intended, snapped, "Am I mad? Of course I'm mad Arizona!" Seeing Arizona flinch at her response, Callie softened her tone and quickly corrected, "I am mad, I'm so, so angry but not at you."
When Arizona relaxed slightly, Callie felt the guilt and shame wash over her, shook her head, pointed at her and explained, "That reaction right there, the fact that you even had to ask if I was mad that you never told me that, I caused that." She dropped her hand, and continued, her voice rising as she spoke, "So yes, I am mad, I'm ashamed, I'm wracked with guilt, I'm just…God! I'm mad that you felt like you couldn't come to me with your fears. I'm mad that I didn't see it or recognize it because I felt the same way with Sofia. I'm mad that I wasn't there for you when you found out there was no heartbeat. Jesus Arizona, for my 8 week exam when I freaked out and refused to leave Lucy's office the entire day, you dropped everything you were doing to be at my side every time I paged you. I could have pushed back the surgery, I could have scheduled it earlier, I could have done…something so you weren't alone when you found out. Then when you did find out, you had to hunt me down to tell me and what did I do? I picked a damn fight! I pushed you to try again. I walked out on you when you needed me the most. Then afterward, I just acted like nothing happened, I didn't ask about you, I didn't check on you, FUCK! I don't even know…three years later and I still don't know how the baby…I don't know what happened to him, to you. I didn't even notice you'd sunk into this depression, that you were plagued with PTSD. I didn't see anything but what I wanted to see and that was that my wife didn't want another child. So yes, I am fucking furious right now!" When she was finished, she stood in the middle of the room, breathing heavily from her outburst, her hands on her hips, and waited for Arizona to respond.
A/N: I'm so glad you all enjoyed the family night. Thank you for the amazing reviews and your response to this story. I know this chapter was intense and you are waiting for Arizona's reaction. I'm already working on it and hopefully this and an update for LE will be up by Sunday.
I feel like the whole 2 minutes this was talked about on the show cheated us out of an amazing storyline. I know I'm putting a lot of blame on Callie here, much of what she is thinking now is based upon my assumption because of how she reacted after finding out and well…we don't know what happened.
All rights belong to Shonda.