Emotionally drained from her earlier talk with Arizona, as well as spending the last half hour catching her therapist up on the week's events and repeating as much of the conversation as she could recall, Callie leaned against the windowsill, stared out at the clear afternoon sky, and tried to get her feelings under control. She knew as difficult as it was to relive everything with Arizona, what happened here today was just the beginning of the hard part for her. She had to work on forgiving herself, but more importantly, she needed to find answers as to why she did those things, why she reacted the way she did time and time again. Without doing that, without understanding what drove her behaviors, she was afraid she would keep repeating them, she would never break the pattern she'd found herself stuck in for years.
Dr. Carr leaned back in his chair and decided to give his patient a few minutes to regroup and recover and to give himself some time to process everything she'd just told him. When she first entered his office, it was clear from her puffy and bloodshot eyes that she'd been crying, and though it took him a few minutes to get her to talk, it was like the floodgates opened and she'd run the gamut of emotions while she relayed her earlier discussion with her ex-wife. Though he knew of the miscarriage, Callie had only mentioned it in passing, adding it to the long list of traumatic events that occurred throughout her relationship with Arizona. He had to admit, he was a little surprised to learn that they'd never worked through it as a couple and was now understanding that she'd never dealt with it at all. He recalled their first visit and couldn't help but assume this was one of the times she was referring to when she told him that when she was hurt, she became angry and lashed out. He could see that right now she was turning that anger inward and was laden with guilt over her past behaviors.
Deciding he'd given Callie long enough to calm down and reflect, he asked, "How are you feeling about everything now?" Without turning to look at him, Callie quietly answered, "I think, well I guess that depends upon how I look at it and what you mean by everything." She could hear the chair creak behind her, knew she'd peaked the doctor's interest, and without making him ask, explained, "I mean, as far as Arizona goes, thinking about our current relationship, I feel relieved that we were able to talk about it, to grieve the loss of our son together, and I think…I think it may have strengthened our friendship. Every time we have one of these talks, I worry if this will be the last talk we have, if this new foundation we are building is strong enough to withstand the things that broke us before." She turned around then, leaned against the wall, looked at him and continued, "Thinking about our past relationship, I feel guilty, sad, and angry at myself that we couldn't communicate so easily before. I feel like, like every time we talk, I learn to forgive Arizona, to understand where she was coming from, but I become more angry with myself for not seeing things that were so obvious to her and some of our friends."
Dr. Carr leaned forward in his chair, rested his elbows on his knees and asked, "Why?" Callie furrowed her brow, clearly confused by the question and the therapist continued, "Why are you so angry Callie? What does that anger do for you? Does it change anything? Rather than transferring the anger from Arizona to yourself, why can't you let go of it?" Callie dropped her head back against the wall with a thud, closed her eyes, and sighed, "I don't know. I feel like…I've just been so angry for so long, I'm afraid…" She trailed off, not wanting to speak her thoughts, things that were just now occurring to her, aloud. The older man studied her for a moment and quietly prompted, "What are you afraid of?" Lifting her head, Callie puffed up her cheeks, released all of the air in her lungs and confessed, "I'm afraid I don't know how not to be angry. I'm afraid if I let go of the anger, I will feel the pain." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Callie felt the truth of them along with what seemed to be a never-ending trail of tears. Crossing the room, she slumped into the chair across from her therapist and explained, "It's something I've always done. When I hurt, I get angry, I can't feel the pain when I get angry. But I lash out and hurt others…umm mostly Arizona, I hurt Arizona." Dr. Carr nodded and asked, "Why do you think that is?" Callie shook her head, again not wanting to admit the things that were finally becoming so clear.
Rather than coaxing an answer from her, Walter sat back and allowed Callie to come to her own conclusions. He knew she was there; she had reached an understanding of what drove her anger, she just needed to admit it to herself. Callie brought her hands up, rubbed them down her face none too gently, groaned, and started, "This is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but I think that…I know that I say the first thing that comes to my mind because I want the person who hurt me to hurt just as badly. Sometimes, I feel like, I don't know what I feel but I do know that I always feel bad afterwards, I just don't know how to fix it, so…so I don't. I don't deal with it. I just push forward like nothing ever happened." Just hearing those words come out of her own mouth, Callie began to cry harder and said, "I…I'm not a mean person though." She scoffed then and continued, "Generally. I never set out to hurt anyone, I don't try…" She let out a groan and threw herself back into the chair. She wasn't even making sense to herself right now.
Turning her focus from her doctor, she stared at the opposite wall and offered, "I just don't…" She trailed off, shook her head, and started over, "I don't understand why I get so angry though. I always got so mad at Arizona. I took so much out on her. Whenever she would try to tell me how she felt about something, especially if her feelings differed from mine, I just lashed out or shut her down. I would never listen. I look back now and I see how my reactions or responses were over the top or completely unreasonable, illogical. But I know at the time I thought I was right and she was just…I don't know." Dr. Carr nodded and asked, "What about Arizona, did she think she was right during those arguments?" Callie furrowed her brow and scoffed, "Well yeah, otherwise we wouldn't have been arguing." Leaning back, he crossed his legs, and asked, "What about now, does she still think she was right about those things?" Callie shook her head and replied, "No, I mean, not always. She's admitted to being wrong, taken responsibility for a lot of things that went wrong between us…too much sometimes. Now she's taking more blame than she should and I did that, I made her think all of our problems were on her. But some of those times, she was right and I just…I ignored her feelings, I just…she and I talked about it, I told you about it, she went along with me to make me happy. It bothers me that I…" She stopped and shook her head, trying to figure out what she wanted to say next and how it would make her sound. Still she pushed forward, "I can't even say I didn't see it. I think, I think sometimes I knew if I waited her out, she'd just bend to my way of doing things. I always pushed until she did. It's like…I couldn't see any way but my way and I was incapable of even trying to compromise."
Callie leaned forward, rested her elbows on her knees, stared down at her hands, and admitted, "That's what I don't understand. I don't understand why I refused to talk about things with her or more importantly, why I refused to listen. I mean, I don't even know…" Cutting herself off, Callie ran her hand through her hair, and almost to herself muttered, "I just wanted things my way, on my terms." Intrigued by that revelation, Walter asked, "Why do you think that is?" Callie snorted and replied, "Because I'm self-centered and my wife's happiness didn't matter?" Leaning forward, the older man asked seriously, "Is that what you really believe?" Callie thought for a minute, took a deep breath and answered, "I don't know. That's what it feels like…that's what it sounds like, right?" Dr. Carr watched while Callie once again fidgeted with her fingers, noticing how she always managed to end up rubbing at the base of the ring finger on her left hand where he assumed her wedding band once resided. She'd done it in both of her previous sessions and he was curious about the reasoning behind it. From what he understood, she hadn't been married for two years, yet this habit never went away. It was almost as if she'd never gotten used to the absence of the ring or maybe it was the absence of her wife. Furrowing his brows, he recalled something she'd said earlier in their session and decided to see where his train of thought would lead them.
Reaching out to pour them both a glass of water, he casually asked, "What's the worst that could have happened if you let Arizona say what she was feeling or thinking?" Without pause, Callie responded, "She could have left me." Feeling the truth of her words on her tongue, Callie's eyes widened in surprise and she gasped while covering her lips with her fingertips as if she were keeping herself from sucking the words back in. Slumping back in her seat, brown eyes fluttered closed as she allowed the memories to wash over her. She let argument after argument replay in her mind and she knew right then, she understood that she cut Arizona off at every turn, never allowed her to complete a thought because she was afraid. She was afraid that one of those thoughts would end with 'I can't do this anymore'. Looking up into knowing grey-blue eyes, she whispered, "I wasn't angry, I was scared." Narrowing her eyes, she asked, "How did you…did you know what I was going to say?" The older man observed her for a moment longer and offered, "Earlier, you mentioned that you wondered if each talk you had with Arizona would be your last." Not sure she was making the connection, Callie nodded and waited for further explanation.
Walter took a drink of his water, put the glass on the table, and continued, "You're still scared Callie. You are still afraid that every time you talk with Arizona about these things, the things that broke you as you put it, that it will be the last time you talk. The difference between talking now and talking then is that you're relationship is already over, you have nothing to lose." "I have everything to lose," Callie argued and was once again shocked by her own admission. She stood up, walked back to the window, stared down at the world below and explained, "We aren't together anymore but Arizona…she's…she's Arizona." She shifted her gaze upward, noted how blue the sky was, felt the warmth wash over her, a warmth she only felt when she looked into eyes of the same shade and continued, "Arizona was everything I didn't know I was looking for. I didn't know I needed Arizona in my life on the day a pretty stranger followed me into a dirty bar bathroom and I didn't know it the day my ex-wife found me in an x-ray viewing room to yell at me. She's always been a part of me and now…now that we are talking and I am reminded of how much fun we had together, how much love was between us, I remember why I was so afraid of losing it. She always said Mark was my best friend, he was my person, but it was her. It was always her, even when I didn't act like it and especially when I didn't want it to be. So yeah, I'm scared to have these conversations, I'm afraid to lose the person who is quickly becoming my best friend again but I'm not so scared that I'm not willing to listen or to try. This time, I know that my not listening is what made me lose her, push her away. I know that I left before I could be left. This time, no matter what our relationship looks like after I'm done healing, after we are both done healing, I know that my life is better with Arizona Robbins in it."
Callie wiped the remaining traces of tears from her face, took a deep breath, exhaled, and felt all of the tension that had built up over the course of the last few hours drain from her body. Though she still felt angry with herself, now she understood that the source of her anger, the motivation for her actions, was fear. Unfortunately, she was so afraid of losing her wife, the prospects of the family she'd always dreamed of, she ended up losing it all anyway, or walking away from it rather. Now she was left with seeing her daughter two weeks out of the month and losing her wife completely. Resting her overheated forehead on the cool glass, she asked, "Is that…my anger, my fear of losing people that matter to me, are those things that you can help me with? I think…I think that's where I should start." Walter smiled softly and suggested, "Come sit down Callie. Those are most certainly things I can help with." Pushing herself off the wall, Callie walked back to the chair she'd just vacated and watched while Dr. Carr walked across the room to his desk and returned with a small book in his hand.
Walter took his seat once again and said, "I'm going to give you another homework assignment that might help with that. It's a two parter." Callie nodded her acceptance and he explained, "What I'd like you to do is keep a journal." He handed the book over and continued, "Whenever you start to become angry at yourself or are feeling self-critical, I want you to write it down. Write how you are feeling in that moment and what brought it on. For example, after you've thought about the day's events and rehash your conversation with Arizona, which we both know you will, your anger at yourself may arise again. I want you to write down exactly what you are angry about, what made you feel that way. Then, maybe not right at that moment, I want you to revisit it and write a self-compassionate, logical response to those feelings. It may be difficult at first. It helps if you look at it as if you are giving a friend that advice instead." Callie opened the book, skimmed through the empty pages, and asked, "So I do this whenever I get angry?" Dr. Carr nodded and answered, "Yes. It doesn't matter if you are angry at yourself or at someone else." Callie nodded and asked, "What's the second part?" Walter smiled and replied, "This may be the hardest part. When you are feeling angry, don't do or say anything, excuse yourself from the situation, and walk away. Don't make any rash decisions, lash out at anyone else, or blame anyone else. This is where you need to focus on the counting, calming yourself down, and thinking about what you want to say before you say it."
Callie chuckled, tapped the book against her knee, and asked, "That easy huh?" Walter shook his head and replied, "No, not at all. It will take concentration, hard work, and practice. But no matter how you respond, write it all down, revisit it, and give yourself some solid advice about it afterward, even if that just means to promise to handle things differently in the future." Callie knew it may take some time to get to that point and though she'd never been one to journal and write down her thoughts, she trusted that this may help her and could commit to trying. Knowing she was just about out of time, she stood up and declared, "I'm usually not very good at that, keeping a diary or whatever, but I'm willing to try." Walter smiled and replied, "That's all I can ask. This isn't something that should stress you out and you may not be able to respond to some of the things you are angry about, keeping track of those things is equally as important." Walter stood as well, walked Callie to the door and watched while she made her way down the hall and wondered how much longer it would take her to realize she was still in love with her ex-wife.
As soon as she stepped outside, Callie let out a long belabored sigh and inhaled deeply, appreciating the earthy scent of freshly cut grass and the sweet aroma of the newly planted flowers along the front of the building. She tipped her head back, closed her eyes, and enjoyed feeling the warm afternoon sun beating down on her face. She always loved spring, not only for the warmer weather, but also for what it symbolized, new beginnings, transformations, starting fresh. Slowly making her way to the car, she couldn't help but compare the change of season to what she was currently experiencing. She felt as if she were coming out of this cold, dark, gloomy place and something within her was reawakened, rejuvenated. Though it was slow and difficult to manage sometimes, she knew the work she was putting in on herself would lead to something new and fresh. God only knew how long she'd been trapped in her own self-imposed winter, unwilling or unable to see the need for true change and growth. Looking up at the cerulean blue sky once again, she smiled and silently hoped it wasn't too late to make those changes. She didn't know where her journey would lead her but she had a clearer vision of where she wanted it to go.
Once she got inside her car, Callie leaned back against the headrest and gave herself a few minutes to just be still. She felt like she'd been on an emotional roller coaster since she woke up in the middle of the night, actually since Monday if she were being honest. She was physically and mentally exhausted, her head was pounding, her eyes were burning from crying for the past several hours, and she was certain she didn't look any better than she felt. Starting her car, she glanced at the clock and was grateful to see that she had just enough time to go home, shower, and try to settle her emotions before she picked Sofia up from school. The last thing she wanted to do was upset her daughter. She decided tonight would be a good night for take-out and a movie while cuddling on the sofa with her baby girl. After the intense conversation about losing one child, she felt the overwhelming need to be close to the other, to know she was there, she was safe and healthy and happy. She put her hand on the gear shift and started to put her car in reverse when something stopped her.
She closed her eyes as the memory of the day Sofia got hurt flashed through her mind. She remembered thinking about how she would go crazy if she had to be without her daughter that night, knowing that she was in pain. She also recalled the sadness in Arizona's voice while she was on the phone with Sofia, how she was crying when she said she wished she could kiss her cut and give her ice cream. She started to wonder if she were feeling this way today, the need to be close to their daughter after talking about losing their son, that Arizona might be feeling it too. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her phone, opened up her contacts, and tapped on the first name before she could talk herself out of it. She didn't know if it was the best idea, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized how much she wanted to be surrounded by her little family after a day like today.
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Sitting at the desk in her small home office, Arizona tried to focus on the research in front of her but her mind kept wandering to her earlier conversation with her ex-wife. After Callie left her house, all she really wanted to do was crawl back into bed and replay the last couple of hours over and over in her head. She knew it was futile and she shouldn't read too much into it, she couldn't help herself though. After they'd both finally broken down and let their grief wash over them, it didn't feel like it was two ex-wives dredging up the past. To her, it felt like she was grieving with her wife over the loss of their child like they should have when it happened. The way Callie held her, kissed her hair, wiped her tears, it was all so gentle and sweet and it was…everything she didn't realize she needed. She meant it when she told Callie she thought they needed the tears more than they needed the words. Breaking down with Callie, falling asleep and waking up in her arms brought her more peace and made her feel more whole than she had in quite some time. Her hand automatically went to her forehead which she would swear still tingled from Callie's lips, as if her touch was forever burned into her skin. This afternoon and over the course of the last couple of weeks, she'd seen a side of Callie that she hadn't seen in years. She'd been seeing the gentle, loving, caring, compassionate, passionate woman she fell in love with so long ago. It was both refreshing and terrifying. It was so nice to see that person again but it scared the hell out of her because she knew if she'd fallen in love with that person once, she'd fall in love with her all over again. She just didn't know if her heart could take it.
Knowing she wouldn't be getting any work done today, she sighed, closed the document she was attempting to read on her laptop and couldn't help but smile at the image she'd set as her wallpaper. It was one she'd found while looking through the photos Sophia had taken the night before; one they didn't pose for and she wasn't even aware of. She and Callie were standing on either side of their daughter and all three of them were looking upward at the semi-round pizza dough which was suspended in mid-air just above Sofia's head. She laughed at the identical expressions she and Callie were making, both of their lips forming a perfect 'O' shape when they realized what was about to happen. Just like it did on the very rare occasion when she looked at pictures of her daughter, Arizona's mind conjured the image of a little tan skinned three year old boy with light brown curls, adorable dimples, and big brown doe eyes standing next to his sister. She knew this time it was because Cayden's memory had been at the forefront of her mind, but she couldn't help but be saddened by the thought of him. She'd often wondered if he lived, where they would be now. She knew so many things would have been different. Reaching out, she traced her ex-wife's face with her finger and wondered for the briefest of moments if they would have made it or if they would be sharing custody of two children.
Moving her finger down, she traced the tiny face that already looked so much like her mama's that sometimes it hurt to look at her. She felt the tears stinging the backs of her eyes as she stared at the smiling face. She missed Sofia every day that she wasn't with her, but on days like this, days where she couldn't stop thinking about Cayden or the 'what could have beens', days when she was sad and needed extra cuddles or when she was happy and wanted to share that joy, she missed her even more. She knew she was being silly and she would see her daughter tomorrow afternoon and have her for the whole week, but what she wouldn't give for a super special Sofia hug right now. Taking one more glance at the picture, she swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked at what appeared to be a happy family. If she were being honest with herself, she had to admit she didn't just miss her daughter, she missed her life, her family. Knowing there was no use in dwelling on these things, she closed the laptop, grabbed her crutches, and pushed herself out of her chair. She had barely balanced herself when the phone rang with Callie's ringtone. Glancing at the time, she noticed it had been just over an hour since Callie left for her therapy appointment. Worried the session didn't go well, Arizona snatched up her phone, connected the call and couldn't help the tremor in her voice when she asked, "Callie, are you okay?"
Callie smiled at the concern in her ex-wife's voice and felt that familiar warmth all over again. She had nearly forgotten what it felt like to have someone show such concern for her, to have Arizona concerned about her. Clearing her throat, which was hoarse from all the crying she'd done, she rushed to assure the other woman, "I'm fi…well, I'm not, but I will be. I ah…I called to see if you'd be up for company later. I thought um…" She stopped for a moment, wondering if she should tell her ex-wife what she was really thinking, then decided once again it was time to stop running, stop avoiding, and just say what was on her mind. Taking a deep breath, she continued sheepishly, "I ahh, I just finished therapy and I was thinking about how all I wanted was to go home and cuddle with Sofia tonight, ya know after talking about…uh after talking about losing Cayden and I thought maybe you might be feeling the same way, that you might want to spend some time with our daughter." As an afterthought, she added, "I can bring food," and didn't realize how hopeful her tone sounded. She closed her eyes and prayed she didn't say too much or make the wrong assumption. Arizona always needed time to think and process after talks like this, so maybe she just needed to be alone. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and bit down nervously while waiting for an answer.
Surprised by Callie's honesty and the hopeful tone in her voice, Arizona unceremoniously plopped back into her office chair and ran her fingers through her hair. When Callie first asked if she wanted company, Arizona thought she might be using it as a ploy to check on her, to make sure she was okay both emotionally and physically, and had to remind herself even if she were, it would be coming from a place of concern for her wellbeing. It was out of character for her ex-wife to be so up front with her feelings…over the last couple of years, before they started talking things through that is. She was broken from her thoughts by what sounded like the beginnings of what turned out to be an anxious ramble, "If you…if not, you know what, never mind, I know you need to process and I shouldn't have…you would have…" Realizing she'd taken too long to answer, Arizona quickly interjected, "Callie, no, no, it's not that. It's…I'd love to have company, to see Sofia and have dinner with my family. I…yeah, actually I do need that." Softening her voice, she decided to put her own feelings out there and finished, "I was caught off guard because um…I had just been thinking about how I could use some Sofia cuddles." Hearing Arizona say she wanted to have dinner with her family, Callie closed her eyes, let out the breath she'd been holding, and offered, "Yeah, there's nothing like Sofia cuddles to get us through a hard day." Arizona nodded, though she knew she couldn't be seen, and agreed, "Yeah."
After a brief moment of silence where the two women seemed to be perfectly content saying nothing, Callie finally said, "I need to go home and shower, then I'll pick Sof up and we can stop to grab something for dinner. What do you feel like eating?" Arizona smiled at the sweet offer and deciding she wanted to do something special for her ex-wife after the emotional day they'd had, suggested, "Since you took care of breakfast, why don't you let me take care of dinner?" Glancing at the clock again to see how much time she had, Callie pulled out of the parking lot and replied, "That sounds great, what time would you like us to come by?" Arizona tilted her head and asked, "Do you just want to come over after you pick her up so you don't have to get out again? We can snuggle our girl for a bit, eat an early dinner and watch a movie. That way you can still have her home by bedtime." Stopping at a red light, Callie agreed, "That sounds good. Is there anything you need while we are out?" Arizona thought for a minute and while she knew she could wait until the weekend to pick up the things she needed, she also knew Callie wanted to feel helpful so she asked, "Would you mind picking up a few bottles of that flavored water I like…oh and some juice for Sof. I didn't get to the grocery store this week." Callie smiled brightly, happy Arizona was asking for help, and cheerfully responded, "Will do. If you think of anything else, shoot me a text." Hearing the chipper response, Arizona chuckled and replied, "I think that's it. I'll see you both soon. Be safe." Unable to wipe the smile from her face, Callie answered, "Always, see you in a bit." After disconnecting the call, Arizona headed toward the kitchen to make the meal which just happened to be both Callie and Sofia's favorite.
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An hour and a half later, Callie pulled into Arizona's driveway and barely had the car in park before Sofia was fumbling with her seat belt trying to get out of the car. Callie was thankful she kept the security locks engaged and her daughter couldn't just jump out of the car. Laughing she asked, "You're not excited to see mommy or anything are you?" Sofia nodded her head fervently and squealed, "We've never done a family movie night! I'm happy mama. Now let me out." Callie shoved down the pang of guilt that stung her heart at the truth in her daughter's words, reminded herself she and Arizona were fixing that now, turned off the car, grabbed the bags from the passenger seat, and went to the backseat to free her daughter from her booster seat. As soon as she stepped away from the door, Sofia started running for the house. Callie closed the door, locked her car, and called out, "Slow down little miss, wait for me…" Before she'd even finished her sentence, Sofia had made it to the front door and was already walking inside yelling for her other mother.
Arizona had just closed the oven door after checking on dinner when her front door burst open and she heard Sofia excitedly yell, "Mommy! We're here." Grabbing her crutches, she started for the door and returned, "I'm in the kitchen big girl." As soon as her rambunctious daughter appeared in the doorway, she braced herself against the countertop and let out a "hmmph" when Sofia ran towards her and threw her little arms around the tops of her thighs. Closing her eyes, she realized that she needed this hug far more than she thought she did, pulled her daughter close, and squeezed extra tight, laughing when she heard the muffled, "Mommy your squishing me!" Loosening her grip, she looked down into beautiful brown eyes, pinched her chubby cheeks and cooed, "I can't help it, you're just so adorable and I missed you so much." Sofia giggled, squirmed out of her arms, and replied, "You just saw me yesterday." Arizona stuck out her bottom lip in a faux pout and whined, "Does that mean you didn't miss me?" Worried she'd hurt her mommy's feelings, Sofia wrapped her arms around her as tight as she could and answered, "Oh no, I missed you bunches. I promise." Arizona bent down, kissed her daughters head, and whispered, "I love you baby girl. I always miss you." Breathing in the scent of strawberries and cream shampoo, Arizona closed her eyes and fought the tears that threatened to fall from just the joy of having her daughter alive and well and in her arms.
Walking into the kitchen, Callie took in the little scene and was certain she'd made the right decision. She could see Arizona was struggling to keep it together just like she did when she scooped her daughter up and held her close when she picked her up from school. Not wanting to break the moment, she quietly started taking the drinks out of the bags and putting them in the refrigerator. Opening the freezer door, she heard Sofia exclaim, "Mama bought your favorite ice cream for dessert mommy." Arizona looked up to see Callie closing the freezer door and asked, "She did? That was very nice of her. What are you going to eat for dessert?" Both women bit back their smiles when they saw their daughter's face drop and Callie had to turn around to hide her laughter when the little girl put her hands on her hips, stared at her blonde mother, and scolded, "You have to share. You always tell me sharing is caring." Arizona bit her bottom lip and replied, "Hmmm, I guess I do say that don't I?" Sofia nodded and replied, "You do. Alllllllllll the time." Arizona looked up, winked at Callie and asked, "I guess that means I need to share with mama then too huh?" Sofia nodded once and replied, "That would only be fair cuz' she buyed it." Trying to ignore the little flip in her stomach at seeing her ex-wife wink at her, Callie corrected, "Bought it," then reached into the third bag, pulled out a small jar, looked at Arizona, smirked and finished, "You don't have to share your ice cream, but that means I don't have to share my strawberry sauce." Arizona smiled, looked up to the ceiling, and teased, "I suppose I could spare a few scoops."
Callie laughed, placed the jar on the countertop then moved to put the bags under the kitchen sink. Just before she opened the door, she stood up, looked at Arizona sheepishly and asked, "Uh do you still…" Arizona smiled softly and nodded, "Yup, still store my bags in a bag under the sink." Callie shook her head, put the bags away, then turned and was immediately hit with the earthy sweet scent of garlic and herbs and commented, "Mmmm something smells amazing, did you already ord…NO! Is that what I think it is?" Forgetting all about manners and propriety, she rushed to the oven, opened the door and squealed, "Oh my God! Pretzel chicken and melting potatoes." She quickly closed the oven door and looked up with a huge smile on her face and asked, "You cooked? You know that's my favorite." Arizona smiled when she saw how excited Callie was to see she'd made one of her favorite meals and started to answer when Sofia chimed in, "That's my favrit' too mama." She then tilted her head, narrowed her eyes and asked, "You've had mommy's prensil chicken and melty tatoes afore?" Callie chuckled at her daughter's complete annihilation of that sentence, lifted her into her arms and answered, "I have, in fact, I'm sure it tastes so good because mommy has had lots of practice making it for me." Sofia turned her head and looked to Arizona for confirmation. The blonde smiled and nodded, "That's right, mama used to ask me to cook it at least once a week and make extras so she could have leftovers for lunch the next day."
Both women watched as the little girl scrunched up her face and braced themselves for the difficult question they knew was coming. Sofia looked at both of her mommies and then back to Arizona and asked, "Did you make leftovers today so mama could take some home? She doesn't get to eat it a lot like I do. If it's her favrit' like me then she should get to eat it more." Arizona smiled, relieved that their daughter didn't delve into their history, softened by her daughter's big heart, nodded, and replied, "It just so happens that I did make extras for mama to take home and you are right, she should get to have her favorite meal more. Next time we have it for dinner, we can ask mama to join us. How does that sound?" Sofia smiled brightly, looked at Callie and asked, "How does that sound mama?" Callie kissed her daughter's cheek and answered, "I think that sounds like a deal little miss." She then lowered her to the floor and suggested, "Why don't you go look for a movie while I set the table since mommy did all the super hard work?" Sofia nodded, turned to Arizona, gave her one last hug, then walked to the living room, knowing if she ran she would have both mommies yelling at her to walk and no one needed that.
They both watched the little girl go into the living room, then Callie looked up and offered, "Thank you for cooking. I really am excited about those potatoes especially. I just can't do them like you do." Arizona smiled brightly and responded, "It's the least I could do. I just wanted to show you how much I appreciated you for thinking of me and bringing Sof over so we could spend time with her together." Callie could feel her face burning with the blush that crept across her cheeks, decided to be completely transparent and admitted, "I ahhh, I remembered how sad you were that day she got hurt and how thankful I was that…umm yeah, I just thought maybe you wouldn't want to be alone. Today has been pretty emotional for both of us." Knowing it may not be the best idea given her mixed emotions, but needing the contact, Arizona nodded, held out her arms, and was relieved when Callie walked straight into her embrace. Callie wrapped her arms around Arizona's waist, buried her nose in the crook of her neck, inhaled deeply and sighed, "Thank you. I needed this." Arizona rested her head on Callie's shoulder and whispered, "Me too. Thank you for coming over today and for…for coming back." Callie gave one last squeeze, pulled back enough to look Arizona in the eyes, and softly requested, "Next time you're feeling like you need Sofia, or just don't want to be alone, will you…um, will you let me know? I would never deprive you of that Arizona." Lifting her hand up, Arizona tucked a stray curl behind Callie's ear and replied, "I promise if you do. It goes both ways Callie." Callie smiled and answered, "I promise too." Stepping back, already missing the contact, she tucked that feeling away, clapped her hands together and asked, "Alright so where are the dishes?" Arizona pointed to the cabinet beside the refrigerator then turned to take out the silverware.
The two moved around in companionable silence until Arizona finally worked up the nerve and asked, "How was your session today?" Callie put the plates on the table and replied, "It was a little hard. This was only my third visit, so right now, everything I talk about, I have to give the background first, so I had to tell him about all of it and some of the things that happened earlier this week with Cayden and finding you in the chapel and well, it was just a little tough." Moving back to the kitchen, she took the silverware from Arizona, leaned against the counter and shared, "I um…I told him about how mad I am at myself and we talked about…" Arizona held up her hand to cut her off and quietly offered, "You don't have to tell me everything Callie. I was asking mainly because I wanted to check in and see how you were feeling." Callie nodded and responded, "I know I don't have to tell you, but I would like to if that's okay." Arizona smiled, patted her hand, and said, "I'd like to hear anything you want to share with me." The brunette nodded and continued her earlier thought, "I told him how I used to get so mad at you and take everything out on you and…and how I see how wrong I was. There are some things I'd like to talk to you about a little more but I'm still working through them. I wanted you to know though, I'm working on…well, I just started, but my focus right now is to work on my anger, finding the source of it, and not lashing out when I feel hurt. He gave me some things to try and I wanted you to know that."
Slightly surprised once again about how open Callie was being, Arizona knew from her own therapy that it was important to acknowledge the work she was putting in. Reaching out, she took the tableware from Callie's hands, set it down on the countertop, took the strong tan hands in her own and stated, "Thank you for telling me. I know it's only been a few weeks but I know how committed you are to healing and growing and you may not feel it right away, but I can already see the changes Callie. I'd be happy to talk with you about anything you want to share and I'll also share anything about my own journey of healing that you feel may be helpful. I'm glad you are working on your anger, if for no other reason than the fact that I want you to be able to let go of the anger you feel toward yourself and free yourself from the guilt. You need to know, to believe that I have forgiven you Callie and what's important to me is that you forgive yourself. I want you to find your inner peace and your inner joy and I see it coming back to you more and more every day." Callie could feel the lump rising in her throat, she didn't realize how important it was to hear Arizona say those things. It meant a lot to her to have someone to share her journey with, someone who knew her struggles without having to voice them. This woman still knew her better than anyone else in the world and she still knew exactly what to say to her exactly when she needed to hear it the most. Squeezing Arizona's hands in hers, she smiled softly and said, "Thank you, I needed to hear that. It helps to know you are on my side." Her heart almost stopped when she saw that dazzling super-magic smile spread across that gorgeous face and couldn't contain her own smile when those sexy little dimples popped just for her for the first time in years.
The two continued to stare at each other, lost in the moment until they heard, "Mommies, is it time to eat yet? I'm starving." Snapping back into the moment, Arizona squeezed Callie's hands one more time before releasing them and called out, "Almost sweetie, mama is taking her time setting the table." She couldn't contain her laughter when Callie gasped, playfully snatched up the forks and knives, and muttered, "Way to throw me under the bus Robbins," then stomped off to finish setting the table. Arizona put on the oven mitt, balanced herself against the counter and retorted, "You know our child when she gets hungry, not a pretty sight." Callie snorted, walked to the refrigerator to collect their drinks and asked, "And who does she get that from, hmm?" Arizona transferred the chicken and potatoes to the serving plate and asked, "Are you implying I get grumpy when I am hungry?" Callie put the bottles of water and Sofia's juice on the table, returned to collect the full plate of food and answered, "I am not implying anything and grumpy is an understatement. You get hangry and bite off people's heads until you get actual food in your mouth." Arizona opened her mouth to argue then snapped it shut when Sofia giggled from the doorway and offered, "Mama's right mommy. You get mean when you're hungry." Callie looked at Arizona, widened her eyes, then held her hand out toward their daughter as if to prove her point. The blonde snatched up her crutches, made her way to the table, and grumbled, "Oh hush you two."
As they sat down to dinner, Sofia watched as her mama put a piece of chicken on each of their plates and cut hers into smaller pieces that she could chew while her mommy did the same thing with the potatoes. Stabbing her fork into a piece of chicken, Sofia looked to her mommy and asked, "Does your leg hurt today?" Callie had just put a piece of chicken in her mouth and froze waiting to see how Arizona would respond. Arizona finished chewing her food, cut her potato into a smaller piece, scooped it up with her fork and replied, "Not as much as it has been bothering me the last few days. I have blisters where my socket rubbed and I just needed not to wear it for a while." Sofia nodded and asked, "Did mama look at it? She can fix your blisters." Arizona smiled at her daughters faith in her other mother and answered, "She did look at it a few days ago and helped me put medicine on it." Sofia looked at Callie who was still sitting silently watching the interaction which appeared to be a normal topic of conversation between the mother and daughter duo and asked, "Can you look at it again before we leave to make sure mommy isn't hurting anymore? I don't like it when mommy hurts and I'm not here to help her." Callie slowly swallowed her chicken while looking up to Arizona, wondering how she should respond. Receiving a smile and almost imperceptible nod, she looked to Sofia and replied, "Of course sweetheart. I don't like to see mommy hurting either."
Sofia handed her juice bottle to Arizona to open it and replied, "Good. Jason Miller got in trouble today for chewing gum and putting it on his desk and when Mikayla Carter bent over to pick up something off the floor it got stuck in her hair. Mrs. Dixon asked me to go to the office with her and the secatary had to put ice on it to get it out. She thought she was going to have to call Mikayla's mom to cut it out but Mikayla started crying and said her mommy would be really mad, so Ms. Zoe tried the ice first. She said peanut butter works too, but Mikayla is aller…allerg…she can't eat nuts or she gets red and puffy and has to have a shot, so they used ice." Arizona took a drink of her water and caught a glimpse of Callie who looked like she was two steps behind in the conversation, no doubt still wondering about how casually she and Sofia talked about her leg. Trying to hide her smile, she asked, "Is Jason the boy who brought the frog to school?" Finally catching up, Callie shook her head and replied, "No, that was Darryl, Jason is the one who tried to feed the pet hamster a cookie." She put her fork down and asked, "Wait, did Ms. Zoe get the gum out of Mikayla's hair? What did Mrs. Dixon do to Jason?" Sofia nodded and said, "The gum came out but it took a long time and Mrs. Dixon called Jason's dad and he had to write Mikayla a note to say he was sorry and then he didn't get second recess and after school his dad said he couldn't watch TV for a whole week!"
Callie and Arizona looked at each other with amusement dancing in their eyes and Callie asked, "Just out of curiosity, you don't sit by Jason do you?" Arizona laughed and continued eating and Sofia shook her head and answered, "No I can't sit by him cuz he pulls my hair and calls me pretty." Callie dropped her fork, looked at Arizona who appeared to be frozen in place with her fork in front of her mouth. Lowering her hand, Arizona asked, "I'm sorry, he what now?" Sofia shrugged, stuffed more potato in her mouth and mumbled, "He said I'm pretty, chases me on the playground to pull my hair and Mrs. Dixon said he can't sit by me or play with me at recess until he acts like a gentleman." Callie's eyes bulged and she waved her hand in the air, speechless, certain this little monster had a crush on her daughter and even more certain she didn't like the idea of that at all. Arizona could see her ex-wife turning beet red and whispered, "Count to ten Callie." Callie glared at Arizona but took a deep breath and did as she was told. Finally feeling calm enough to speak, she looked at Sofia and asked, "Why do you think he does that?" Sofia shrugged and said, "Zola said it's cuz he likes me but I don't like him. I like Bryan and Jeffrey and Kimba oh and Zola…" "What?" Callie huffed out. Surely their five year old wasn't telling them she was bisexual already. Knowing exactly where her ex-wife's mind went, Arizona had to cover her mouth to hide her laughter and asked, "What do you mean sweetie?" Sofia looked at her mommy, furrowed her brow and said, "Those are my best friends. I don't like Jason cuz he's mean to people." Callie felt her entire body deflate and heard Arizona mutter, "It's kindergarten honey, not Grey-Sloan." Callie laughed at the comment and continued eating while their daughter filled them in on the rest of her day. Neither woman caught Arizona's little slip, but their daughter did and smiled all the way through dinner.
When Callie reached out to take a second helping of potatoes, Sofia snickered and said, "Mama, you aren't going to have any leftovers." Callie whined, "But it's so goooood and I haven't had mommy's cooking in a long, long time." Arizona stabbed one of the potatoes before Callie could grab it and stated, "So I take it you like it?" Callie shoved a whole potato into her mouth, moaned in satisfaction and nodded her head. Arizona smirked, took a bite of her potato and declared, "Good thing there's another whole pan in the oven for you to take home then." Callie unleashed her mega-watt smile and breathed out, "Oh bless you." Sofia giggled, looked at her mommy and asked, "Did mama cook for you too?" Arizona smiled and nodded, "She did, all the time. Sometimes we took turns and sometimes we cooked together." Pushing her plate aside, the little girl asked, "What's your favorite?" Arizona looked to the ceiling as if she really had to think about it and answered, "Hmm, I'd have to say it's her chicken piccata but her homemade pasta is a close second." Callie smiled at Arizona's response. She'd already answered it in her head and was happy to learn there were still things she knew about her ex-wife.
Sofia looked to both moms, excited to learn new things about them, and asked, "What was your favorite thing to cook together?" At the same time they answered, "Stir fry and tacos," then looked at one another and smiled, remembering all the meals they used to cook together. Sofia furrowed her brow and asked, "Why those?" Arizona took a drink of her water and answered, "Because they are both our favorites to eat and there are several ingredients to cut, cook, and prepare, so we did it together to help us relax after a hard day at work and it allowed us to spend time together." Callie nodded in agreement and Sofia asked, "Do you think some day we can make one of those together?" Callie smiled, looked at Arizona and replied, "I'd like that." Arizona nodded and answered, "Me too." While the two women stared at one another a little longer than they should, they were each thinking about how good this felt, how normal it felt to be sitting down at a dinner table and having a real meal together talking about their day and their history together.
Once again, the moment was broken by Sofia who asked, "Is everyone finished? Can we watch our movie now?" Callie shook herself out of her thoughts and suggested, "Since mommy cooked, how about you and I clean up then we can watch our movie." Arizona interjected, "You don't have to do that Callie. I can…" She stopped when Callie arched her brow and asked, "What's the rule Arizona?" Sighing, Arizona huffed out, "You cook, I clean; I cook, you clean; we cook, we clean." Callie nodded her head, stood up, collected the dishes, and said, "It's only fair." Arizona laughed, waved her hand in the air in concession, and watched as her family cleaned up around her.
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Callie and Arizona sat on either end of the couch with Sofia spread out in between them, her head on Arizona's right thigh and her feet laying in Callie's lap. All three sat with their eyes glued to the television engrossed in their shared favorite movie. They all giggled when the Beast shook the water from himself in the bathtub and his fur fluffed up and Sofia almost fell off the couch like she does every time she watches this movie when the Beast turned around with bows in his hair and declared he looked stupid. Callie and Arizona shared a look when Sofia quietly said the lines along with the characters and couldn't help but laugh at her little giggles. They continued to watch as Belle and the Beast both got ready for their dinner. As the music started, they all waited in anticipation and started singing along with Mrs. Potts Tale as old as time, true as it can be. Barely even friends, then somebody bends, unexpectedly. Just a little change, small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared… Once they'd gotten through the first verse, both women trailed off and looked up to catch the other staring. Brown eyes locked on blue as those words hung in the air between them. Though they'd watched this movie several times over with each other and with their daughter, they'd never really paid much attention to the lyrics until now, until they had meaning, until they applied to them. Neither knew what was happening, they knew in that moment, however, that it was something. There was a shift and they both felt it.
Tale as old as time. Tune as old as song. Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong…
A/N: I know, several of you are very angry at me. I'm sorry, I know I promised more frequent updates over the summer. I didn't anticipate complications with my arm from my surgery causing both pain and a major block of my creative juices. I don't intend to leave either story unfinished and now that I'm on the mend, I hope to be back to regular updates. I love both of these stories and have spent too much time, effort, energy, and love to just let them go. Thank you all for your patience and understanding. An update for LE is coming soon. The babies are almost here.