Happy Writing Weekend!
That's what I'm calling this weekend since I took both Friday and this coming Monday off work specifically to write. I managed to crank out the last of this chapter in the last two days and I'm planning to start on chapter four in the next two. If we're all supremely lucky, it'll be finished! If not, well it'll at least be started ;) We shall see how it goes, but I am proud of myself nonetheless!
Sorry about the angst of last chapter but it had to be done. Twas a necessary evil! Hopefully this chapter will well make up for any grief and despair accumulated in these last few weeks. Please leave a review and let us know what you think of this chapter! I'm super excited to hear your thoughts! :) GUH never ceases to surprise me, even after so many years of writing, and I can't wait to see everyone's reactions.
NaNoWriMo21 is also right around the corner so with all luck, this weekend is a precursor to writing more often and cranking out more chapters on a more regular basis (but don't worry, there shall be plenty of breaks in between!).
Hope to see you all very soon and can't wait to chat on Discord & read your reviews! :D
~Em
Chapter 3: Veritas
Adrianna's flight to the Great Hall was a bodiless, mindless experience. She felt a bit detached, like a ship lost at sea with a broken rudder. Lily growled at her a few times, but her questions went unheard.
Erick hadn't come home last night.
No matter the fights, the arguments, the tears and frustrations, they'd always still slept together. That had been their agreement, that no matter the argument, they wouldn't go to bed separated, brimming with anger and frustration. Somehow it bridged that gap better than any time and space.
And yet she'd found his side of the bed cold and empty this morning, devoid of his warmth and scent and comfort.
Not that she deserved his comfort. Quite the opposite. She'd spent most of the night weeping for the horrid things she'd said to him.
As Lily landed, she slipped out of the saddle and gave her dragon a pat on the nose before slipping inside. Voices echoed through the massive chamber already, but she didn't look around at the crowd, hoping to keep a low profile. Instead she found herself aiming for the drink bar where she found her brother pouring steaming water into a large mug.
"Hi." Adrianna said with a wan smile. "You never drink tea. Is Gen here?"
Finn's blue eyes flicked to hers, cold. "No. She's not."
Shocked at his tone, Adrianna frowned. "Then-"
Without another word, Finn grabbed the mug and stalked to the massive round table set up in the middle of the Great Hall. The crowd parted for him as he walked and Adrianna's heart leaped as he set the mug in front of a solitary individual sitting in one of the chairs.
Erick.
Adrianna was moving before she'd realized it, but she halted as her brother firmly said, "Drink it."
Erick didn't even blink. His fingers were locked over the lower half of his face, teal eyes distant.
Finn straightened as she approached, his blue eyes hard. Accusatory. He stepped closer and said in a low voice, "If you don't have anything nice to say to him, then don't speak."
Adrianna scowled, offended at his tone and aggression. "I don't-"
"I'm serious." Finn hissed. "Be kind, or don't speak."
He turned away without another word, snatching a few papers out of Gobber's hand to review before the meeting. Adrianna scowled after him but forced herself to take a slow breath. He was right, though he didn't need to be so nasty about it.
But he wouldn't be acting like that if he wasn't worried. And looking at her husband…
Erick's face was pale, his teal eyes rimmed with dark circles as if he hadn't slept. He wore a long sleeved blue shirt, despite the heat of summer. He lacked any sort of weapons belt, which was strange. He almost never left the house without his weapons nowadays.
For a lack of a better word, he looked terrible, and it was all her fault.
She carefully took the seat next to him and swallowed. "Hi."
Erick blinked and glanced casually in her direction but it was no more than a shift of his eyes. As if he couldn't stand to look at her. He said nothing.
"I'm sorry." Adrianna whispered, reaching out to take his arm. Her fingers brushed his arm and he jerked away.
"Don't." Erick whispered in a hoarse voice.
Adrianna bit her lip and stared at the mug in front of him, steam curling in the air between them. The tea bag bobbed at the surface as it steeped. He hadn't touched it, but she wondered if it was due to disinterest or because he always took three swills of honey in his tea. Finn didn't know this, but she did.
Without another word, she strode to the drink table and snatched up the jar of honey. Returning to her seat, she added the honey to the mug and stirred it with a spoon. It was nothing, a small gesture that paled in comparison to the horrible things she'd said to him, but at the end of the day, she still loved him. She'd done this to them, driven them apart. Even if he didn't want to talk, which she deserved, she would still be kind and patient. Gods knew he'd always been patient with her.
As she slid the mug closer to him, Erick closed his eyes and slid his fingers upward to cover them. As if her kindness pained him and he couldn't bear to see it.
She almost said, "It's not a bribe, I'm just trying to be nice", but held her tongue. Clearly he'd been with Finn all night, and if he'd said to keep her mouth shut, well… maybe she should heed his instruction for once.
So she sat back in her seat and looked around at the men and women gathered at the table for their weekly meeting. Finn was deep in discussion with Manny the Mad and Gobber across the table while her parents, Hiccup and Astrid were poring over a map with multi-colored lines and notes. Fishlegs was murmuring in Hiccup's ear and he nodded, but strangely he wasn't looking at the map. He was looking at them.
Hiccup's green eyes flicked to Erick and back at her. What's wrong?
Adrianna pursed her lips and shook her head slightly. Nothing.
Those green eyes narrowed. Nice try, Addie.
A shrug. I do my best.
A small smile and he refocused on the map to make a few notes. Adrianna sighed. That was the problem with being so close to family, physically and personally. It didn't take long for everyone to figure out there was something wrong.
The gong rang out and everyone began to take their seats.
"Alright, let's get started." Hiccup said, dropping his charcoal onto the map. "We have a few announcements but this shouldn't take too long."
Erick sighed through his nose and seemed to force himself to pay attention, dragging his hands down his face and lowering them at last.
"First off, everything is as normal as can be. We haven't had anything strange happen near our borders and both Brawn and Berserker claim the same. We'll continue our patrols as normal."
A collective sigh and Hiccup paused.
"Chief, wouldn't it be prudent-" Mulch said from a few seats down. "Well, that is to say, wouldn't it be safe to assume that nothing is happening after two years of scouting the ocean and Berk is safe?"
Hiccup shook his head. "We've been over this. There's too much at stake, and we can't assume that nothing is happening out there. It may not have reached us yet. Emphasis on the last word because of my next two statements."
Erick sharpened at that, just as Adrianna felt her attention divert from him to her father.
"I received a message from Allie of Outcast Island." Hiccup said, setting a letter atop his notebook. "She states that someone has been going out of their way to tamper with the slave trade. Slavers and owners alike are calling him the Night Rider. Apparently this individual has been attacking ships and stealing slaves, and she's accusing me of meddling in her affairs."
"She would assume it was you," said Fishlegs. "If they're having a hard time capturing this individual, then they would assume it was you and Toothless."
Toothless growled indignantly from behind Hiccup and Astrid's chairs.
"I didn't say it was you, Toothless!" Fishlegs cried, holding up his hands. "I'm just saying logically-"
"No, you're right, Fishlegs. That's exactly what she's assuming. I've already sent her a response stating that I've made my position clear. I don't want any part in the slave trade, so it would be hypocritical of me to get involved."
Finn's mouth tightened at that but he said nothing.
"But who is this mysterious Night Rider?" Manny the Mad demanded, his arms leaned atop his tall double bladed axe. "Could it be one of their own? What if they're kidnapping their own slaves and disposing of them, and trying to pin it on us? It would give them an excuse to have open war like they've always wanted."
"What if they don't want war though?" Mulch said. "I mean, they've got what they want already. They've got their extra hands and their lands are showing more harvest after the last two seasons-"
"That's beside the point." Finn interrupted at last. "We don't have enough information to make assumptions. They wanted to make us afraid at the Convocation, so it would be stupid to ignore that."
"Indeed, which brings me back to my original point," Manny growled. "That this Night Rider is ruffling feathers."
"Exactly." Hiccup said. "So if anyone hears anything about this, please let me know. I don't like the idea of our enemies looking at us too closely when we haven't done anything."
Adrianna pondered this information. Without thinking or remembering that they weren't on speaking terms, she whispered to Erick, "What does the Night Rider hope to accomplish by stealing away slaves anyway?"
Erick shrugged. "They must be making a difference in numbers if Allie's sniffing around."
"True." She tried to meet his eye, but he stubbornly kept his eyes forward.
"The last thing I wanted to bring to your attention," Hiccup said, folding his hands and meeting some of their eyes. "This may not be cause for worry, so I want everyone to keep their heads. Inga Jorgenson received Alton and Johann's Terror yesterday, but she had no message. She was highly distressed. Inga thought it was odd, so she brought her to me and I agreed. I sent Snotlout, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut out to investigate last night."
Adrianna glanced around and saw the three were indeed missing. No wonder the meeting was going so quickly; the three perpetrators keen on interrupting weren't here.
"We haven't heard back from them yet, but we'll have a meeting once they return with a report. I don't want any rumors circulating about their whereabouts if Johann and Alton are completely fine."
"They are fine though?" Adrianna asked, drawing everyone's attention. "Aren't they?"
Hiccup pursed his lips. "I hope so."
"Why wouldn't they be?" Manny the Mad said. "They're a pair of traders. Maybe they got robbed and the Terror got spooked."
"Terrors don't get spooked easily." Finn said, frowning at the table. "Have you said anything to Clyde and Joan?"
"No." Astrid said firmly. "And we don't want to, not until we know more information."
"Depending on how far they have to go, it may be a few days or even a week before they return with an update." Hiccup said. "In the meantime, it's business as usual. We'll continue our scouting missions. If anyone sees or hears anything, keep me updated."
Adrianna's mind was burning with questions as her father concluded the meeting. The scrape of chairs and voices filled the chamber but she kept her eyes focused on the table.
Why would the Terror leave Alton and Johann in such a panic? Why would she go to Inga? Well, that was no mystery; of course she would go to Inga. They kept a steady stream of conversation via letters and parcels, as far as she knew. Still, Johann and Alton were vital to keeping them informed on general movements between the islands and beyond. What if they'd discovered something? What if they were in danger?
"I don't like it." Adrianna said at last.
Erick was silent for a long moment. "Me neither."
His fingers were tight against his arm where they were crossed over his chest. Forgetting the mystery of Alton and Johann's whereabouts, she stared at the gold ring on his finger, and suddenly longed to take his hand.
"Erick-"
"Hey, you two." Hiccup's voice cut in before she could say more. "How are you?"
Without a word, Erick stood and walked away. Adrianna spun in her chair and tried to think of something to say, to push her parents away, who were both watching in mute surprise, to call him back, to say something. But clearly he didn't wish to talk to anyone and she wasn't sure what to say anyway.
"What was that about?" Astrid asked, blue eyes crinkled with concern.
"Nothing." Adrianna said, rising from her chair at last. She frowned sadly at the full mug of tea. It really said something about how upset he was, that Finn had gone out of his way to make him a mug, and that he hadn't touched it. "It's nothing."
"Addie-"
"No, it's... " Adrianna huffed, fighting the burn of frustrated tears. "It's nothing. I need to pick up Darin. I'll see you both later."
She strode away, ignoring their concerned looks. She couldn't stand it. She'd caused this whole mess herself. Mara had even told her not to go getting ideas and making things worse, and she'd done it anyway. She deserved Erick's anger and frustration and silence. She deserved to spend her days alone because of what she'd said.
There had been a time that she'd told herself that Erick deserved so much better and he'd always convinced her otherwise. He'd said that he chose to love her, no matter what she'd ever done or what had been done to her. But she was a vile creature that could be so cruel and wicked sometimes. He'd always had endless patience and kindness. He'd always come back to her. Always.
But she'd never betrayed him like this before. They'd had their spats and arguments, but he'd always come back to her, and she to him.
What if she'd broken them beyond repair this time? What if he never came back?
What if she'd ruined everything?
As it turned out, her husband was not ignorant to the few locations she would have dropped Darin off while they were in the meeting. Having three grandmothers in his life, and one of them being Chieftess of Berk, obviously Darin would be located at either Lofn's or Lara's house. In this case, to avoid any potential awkward conversations with Erick's mother, Adrianna had chosen Lofn.
She was clever, but he was clever, too. Even in his hurt, exhausted state.
When Adrianna had arrived, her tears drying in the skies as she flew with Lily, she was informed that Erick had already picked Darin up. Lofn's kind blue eyes were solemn as Adrianna thanked her and left, not wishing to take up anymore of the woman's time (or shed any more tears).
And yet it was not meant to be. No matter how hard she had ever run from her emotions or the consequences of her actions, they'd always come chasing her down, usually in the form of one parent or another.
She'd just arrived home and told Lily to take a long flight when a voice called, "Adri!"
Adrianna briefly considered running inside and locking the door, but knew her mother would not be deterred. Sighing, she released the door handle and turned. "Hi, mom."
Astrid hopped off of Stormfly and patted her flank, smiling as her beloved dragon ran off with a squawk. "I wanted to see if you were okay. Without your father here, that is. I know he can be a little… overbearing sometimes."
"He wasn't though." Adrianna said. "That was just typical me, running from my problems."
"You and Erick both, it seems."
"Did you see him?"
"Yes, he was taking Darin to the beach. Your father went with them, I think."
Adrianna nodded. "Good. He shouldn't be alone."
Astrid's blue eyes sharpened. "Why do you say that?"
Confused by her reaction, Adrianna wasn't sure what to say. "We had a fight yesterday, that's all. I mean, that isn't all, like it isn't- wasn't significant. But why do you ask?"
Her mother pursed her lips. "Let's go inside."
Sighing through her nose, Adrianna nodded. She led the way inside and instantly cringed at the mess scattered throughout the house. "Oh gods, sorry about the mess."
"Don't apologize." Astrid said, taking a chair and sitting in it without preamble. "I had two kids at one time, I get it. Houses will be lived in. There's no shame in that."
Adrianna nodded and took her usual chair. "Thanks."
Astrid tapped the table with a few fingers. "We talked to Finn after you both left."
"Oh?"
"Erick spent the night at his house last night."
"Yeah," Adrianna sighed. "I didn't know where he'd gone, but I figured as much after Finn's… comments this morning."
"What did he tell you?"
"To be nice."
Astrid frowned. "Did he tell you anything else?"
"No. Why? Should he have?"
Her mother was silent for a long, long minute. "Erick cut himself last night. On purpose."
A prickling sensation flooded from the roots of her hair down to her toes. "What? No."
"Yes, he did." Astrid said. "Finn found him trying to stop the bleeding early this morning, and I only found all of this out because he nearly bit my head off after you and Erick left. So I knew something was wrong."
Adrianna clapped her hands over face, tears blotting out her vision. "Oh gods, what did I do?"
Astrid's arms wrapped around her as she wept.
She'd done some horrible things. Said some horrible things over the years. She'd been cruel to people before, especially her parents. She'd felt guilt for those things and eventually mended those relationships and had been forgiven.
But this… she'd never felt more guilty about anything in her life.
"Adrianna, breathe." Astrid whispered. "Don't fall to pieces. He's alright."
"He's not alright." Adrianna said, pulling out of her arms. She wiped her face on her shirt and took a few heaving breaths. "I-I broke him, I… This is my fault."
"Tell me what happened."
Adrianna's eyes continued to fill and stream as she told Astrid everything. She'd only ever had one other conversation with her mother that was as excruciating, but that had been a different context and story entirely.
Astrid's eyes grew bright as she admitted everything she'd been thinking, about not getting pregnant, about wondering if Erick couldn't have kids, even all the promises they'd made to each other years ago. It was painful to admit everything out loud, especially his reaction to the filthy things she'd said, and hated to make some excuse as if she didn't mean it, because the words had come from her heart. The words hadn't come from nothing. And she despised herself for them.
"I don't- I mean I haven't ever, ever compared him to…" Adrianna swallowed, her voice thick. "To Brandyn. Not once. Not ever. But that's what I did."
Astrid nodded slowly and took her hand. "You made him feel inadequate."
"How can something so… wonderful be the thing that drives us apart after all this time?" Adrianna said bitterly. "If I'd just… gotten pregnant by now-"
"That isn't the answer." Astrid said firmly. "You're not the only one to have these sorts of problems, and Mara said the same thing, right? The problem is you just got an idea in your head and you wouldn't let it go. If Erick even said that you're both still young and he's not in any rush, then that's all that matters right now."
Adrianna sniffed. "And I couldn't just let it go."
"No. But for the record, he isn't broken. He's hurting. Badly. Unfortunately it went so deep that it caused him to relapse, but Finn has all his weapons. He regretted it the second he gave in." Astrid sighed. "I don't know what that sort of… depression feels like, but it can't be easy to silence that voice. Nor do I think it's easy to be patient and not look for someone or something to blame for not being able to grow your family. It's not bad to want more kids, Adri. But it is bad to push him away. Chances are it's not his fault."
Adrianna nodded. "Will he ever speak to me again?"
"Of course he will. He just needs time and patience." Astrid tilted up her chin with a finger. "Don't give up on him. He's never given up on you."
Nodding again, Adrianna grabbed her mom in a tight hug. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to me. You didn't hurt me."
"No, but you're probably disappointed."
"Never, baby girl." Astrid patted her head. "Never."
Hiccup hoped and prayed that he'd never again see this look on Erick's face, just as he hoped he'd never again see bandages wrapped around his forearms.
One part of him thought, at least it was only a single cut.
The other part of him balked, knowing just how deep that single cut had been.
As Finn had recounted the events with him and Astrid, Hiccup had felt a sharp pain in his heart with every word. Suddenly he was back in the woods with Erick, ready to open his own veins to prove to the boy that it wouldn't fix anything, that hurting himself wouldn't stop the internal pain. That his life was precious.
Erick looked like a ghost now. His teal eyes followed Darin as he ran up and down the sand with Charger, the massive green Nadder squawking and flinging sand in all directions as the boy cackled. A hint of a smile pulled at Erick's face as the dragon picked Darin up by the shirt and began carrying him down the beach, screaming as he hung on for dear life.
"Daaaaaaddy! Save me!"
Toothless growled at Charger, who cocked his head and then gently deposited the boy into the saddle. Darin squealed with delight and tried to reach the stirrups, but failed miserably.
"Watch him take that thing apart so you'll never fly again." Erick murmured.
Hiccup snorted softly. "He's a smart kid."
The smile faded from Erick's face seconds after it appeared. "I cut myself this morning."
The flatness of his tone cut at Hiccup's heart. "I know."
"Finn told you."
"You scared him. He knew we helped you last time."
"I don't blame him." Erick closed his eyes. "I tried to fight it. All night. But every time I'd tell myself to stop thinking about it, her words would come back to me and…"
Hiccup swallowed. "Finn told me about that, too. Even if it's coming from Addie, you can't let that kind of negativity rule your actions."
"That's just where it started." Erick choked out. "She had to go and compare me to-" He cut himself off and looked away, frustration etched into every inch of his body. "At least he can get the job done, apparently."
"Stop, don't say that." Hiccup said firmly. "I know Addie says things out of anger at times and there's no excuse for it, but that's not how she really feels. You know she'd never prefer him over you, no matter what."
Erick said nothing.
He really didn't want to ask, but- "For the record, is everything fine-"
"Gods, I knew you were going to ask. Yes, I'm in perfect working order, thank you."
Hiccup decided not to reply to that. He deserved the bite. He certainly wouldn't have wanted anyone asking him that question either, and yet he felt it was a little justified.
"And then she had to start making comments about how Darin isn't technically mine so I should just be grateful that he's all I'm ever going to have."
Hiccup took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled. "I'm sorry. She shouldn't have said any of those things."
"I know they're not true." Erick said. "All the lies I keep telling myself. That I'm not good enough, that she deserves better. But I don't know how to make them stop either."
"Just keep reminding yourself of what's true." Hiccup said, looking over at his son-in-law. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to her. You are the best father that boy is going to have, and the only father he's ever going to have." He watched as Erick pinched his lips to stop their trembling. "You've had help, but you've built a life for yourself after everything you've been through, and you've believed those things to be true since the day he left and you chose her. You stopped caring what everyone else thinks. It's why you work so hard. Now you need to remind yourself every day that you can do this, and if you and Addie are meant to have more kids, then it will happen when it happens." After a slight pause, Hiccup said in a softer tone, "Don't give up on her."
Though it was probably hard to hear, something seemed to settle on Erick's shoulders like a cloak. Meeting Hiccup's eyes, he nodded, though his own were rimmed with red. "Thanks, dad."
Hiccup extended an arm and pulled him into an awkward side hug. Erick didn't seem to care and accepted it all the same. "Anytime, kiddo."
The pitter patter of uneven steps sounded before Darin's breathless voice said, "Is daddy sad?"
Erick quickly pulled away and wiped his face. "No, I'm okay."
"Darin," Hiccup said, drawing his grandson's attention. "Daddy is sad. Why don't you give him a hug?"
"Okay!" Darin launched forward and Erick barely managed to open his arms in time. "Don't be sad, daddy."
Hiccup watched as Erick bit his lip, even as he squeezed the little boy tightly. Truly there was nothing better than getting a hug from your child, and no better medicine.
And then Darin patted Erick's back and said, "There, there."
Erick choked on a laugh and pulled his son back. "Thanks, buddy."
"You all better now?"
"Yeah, I'm better now."
"Saints alive, I hope so."
Heavy footfalls sounded as Finn dropped to the sand from the docks nearby. "I can't take all this mushiness."
"Unca Winn!"
"Hey kiddo. You dishing out all the love today?"
"Uh huh. I'm the bestest hugger."
"Uncle Cliff taught you well, huh?"
"Mhm!"
Hiccup wasn't fooled by the bravado though. Finn's blue eyes scanned Erick head to toe as he approached, searching for more injuries. He seemed satisfied in seconds though and promptly dropped into the sand beside them.
"Gods, it's hot." He stripped off his jacket just as Zap dove from the village high above. She roared as she plummeted and then disappeared into the lagoon with a mighty splash.
Darin cackled with delight. "Again!"
"I don't think Zappy can hear you from here, buddy." Hiccup said, watching curiously as Erick lifted one of his wrists-the uninjured one-and looked at it.
"Finn, what's the word for truth in Latin?"
Hiccup blinked.
Finn pondered for a moment. "Veritas. Why?"
Erick lowered his wrist and squeezed Darin tight. "No reason."
The sky was a gray haze as Hookfang cut through the clouds, his lithe red body bright against the otherwise dull backdrop as he followed the purple Terrible Terror, Maybelle. The ocean far below was black and unforgiving, full of chop and spray and depthless cold.
Snotlout prided himself on being fearless, strong, and no nonsense. There was nothing in the gods' green earth and sea that could shake him. Therefore, he gave the ocean a crooked grin and thumbed his nose.
"Who you smilin' at? You see something we don't?" Tuffnut demanded and nearly lost his seat as he jerked Belch's head to the side. The dragon growled, sparks crackling in yellow streaks from between his teeth as he tried to right himself. "Nay, but there is naught but ocean and sky!"
Snotlout shook his head. How anyone could ride a dragon with Thor's lightning bolts that close to-
"You're awfully introspective today, oh ex lover of mine." Ruffnut's voice said. "Terror got your tongue?"
Snotlout whipped around in his saddle in time to Ruffnut and Tuffnut's cackles.
"Gods, can you believe that?" Tuffnut roared. "I always forget you two used to date. Gross!"
"Well Astrid took the only cute one, so I had to get creative somehow-"
"Listen, we all make bad decisions when we're dumb kids!" Snotlout said, ignoring Ruffnut's cackles. "Who's the real crazy one, Ruffnut? You're the one who has like eighteen kids! And with Fishlegs, no less."
"Alas, he never shuts up." Ruffnut said in a strangely endearing tone.
"All the more chillins to play with my Ava!" Tuffnut said, puffing out his chest. "My tiny tot may not have brothers and sisters, but who needs those when the Thorston clan be thirty men strong? We shall build an army-"
"We? Who's this we?" Ruffnut demanded. "Last I checked, I'm done having kids. I've already got an army. If you want an army, Tuff, you best get bus-ay."
Snotlout sighed as the twins began to squabble about honorary sons and daughters. He and Heather had decided to take great care after their own twin boys entered the world. Three was quite enough to be getting on with.
Oh he loved his Inga and his boys, Vidar and Dustin. Inga was a firecracker, Vidar was a miniature of himself, and Dustin was all his mother. Quiet in comparison to his siblings, but sharp as a whip, like Heather.
But gods, if he wasn't grateful he didn't have more kids after the twins. It was only ironic that after all his teasing Hiccup all those years ago that he'd have his own set of twins one day.
And perhaps soon their family might be growing, if everything went well with Inga and Alton.
It was strange how his Inga had changed. Suddenly she was no longer a petite girl with long dark hair in pigtail braids and a crooked grin with a plate of charred cookies in hand. Now she was a petite dark haired beauty with salves and gauze in hand, willing to work herself to the bone to care for the sick and wounded.
And she'd fallen for the boy who'd left Berk for a life of adventure. He'd always disliked that Alton, what with his own crooked grin and stupid, ruffled auburn hair and freckled skin from the sun and his firm handshake and responsible attitude and… and…
"Man, Terror does have his tongue." Tuffnut said. "What's eatin' you?"
Snotlout growled. "Nothing." He felt a flash of pain in his leg and jerked. "Ow! What was that for?"
Ruffnut retracted the butt end of her spear. "Spit it out. You've been grousing in silence for hours-"
"Grouse is a kind of bird, you know." Tuffnut said. "They're exceptionally succulent and tender once roasted on a spit with rosemary and potatoes-"
"Tuffnut, focus! Snotty-potty's having a moment-"
"Snotty-potty?" Snotlout demanded.
Tuffnut slumped in his saddle. "I'm hungry! We embarked on this mission two days ago with nary a crumble of snackages to be had!"
"You've literally got a sandwich in your bag from the Bog Burglars." Ruffnut said dryly. "Or have you gone comatose since breakfast and forgotten half our journey already?"
"I do?" Tuffnut wrestled his satchel from the saddlebag behind him and yanked it open. "Avast me maties, but there be a sandwich in here!" He raised it high over his head, crumbs and lettuce flying in all directions. "The gods have blessed us-"
"Yes, yes, eat your sammie like a good boy." Ruffnut said and turned back to Snotlout. "Seriously, what's your deal? Are you hangry too?"
Snotlout tried to ignore the sight of Tuffnut cramming half the sandwich into his mouth just over Ruffnut's shoulder. He tried to ignore her pierce-eyed stare, but eventually relented. "I'm out here in the middle of nowhere tracking down a boy that I don't like, that's all."
"Ohhh," Ruffnut said, reaching over to clap Tuffnut on the back as he began to choke. "Question is, do you not like him because he loves your girl-"
"He doesn't love Inga!"
"You sure about that?"
"He's not good enough for Inga! No one is." Snotlout said, looking away. The words came out softer than he'd intended.
Tuffnut brandished the other half of his sandwich. "Honestly I don't think I'm ready either. To give my daughter away."
Snotlout rolled his eyes. "Ava's six!"
"Doesn't matter. Still not ready." Tuffnut said, strangely somber. He picked out a tomato from beneath the meat and cheese and threw it into the abyss. "Who puts tomatoes on sandwiches anyway?"
Ruffnut was watching him with an oddly perceptive look. Then she reached across the space between their dragons and patted his foot. "He's a good kid. Don't be too hard on him when we find him."
Snotlout scoffed. "Oh, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. For scaring Inga, for not replying to her last letter, for making me drag my butt all the way out here-"
A chirp sounded overhead and the three perked up. Maybelle made a sharp loop de loop in the air before plunging down, disappearing into the clouds.
"She's got the scent!" Snotlout said. "Follow her, Hookfang!"
Ruffnut and Tuffnut shouted as Barf and Belch abruptly dove, keen on not losing the little dragon. Snotlout thought he heard Tuffnut cry out in dismay about his sandwich being lost to the sea, but didn't turn.
They were close.
Clouds and cold air buffeted them as they dove, dove, dove, and almost flew straight into the mast of a great ship.
Hookfang and Barf and Belch banked to the left, barely managing to avoid a collision.
Snotlout's eyes went wide just as the twins went eerily silent. Maybelle perched onto his shoulder, her claws digging through his armor to the skin beneath. Thankfully it was dark enough and the night was moonless, so they could look their fill of the massive shipyard below. Beyond the harbor, a massive island, dark except for torchlight flickering up and down streets, lighting the way.
"I don't know this island." Snotlout murmured.
"I don't get it," Ruffnut whispered. "Maybelle was supposed to take us to Johann and Alton. So-"
"They have to be here or she wouldn't have stopped."
Tuffnut sat up, strangely focused. "Look!"
Snotlout peered down and stiffened. There, not seven ships down, was Johann's ship. "Come on. But let's go in quietly."
It was unfortunate how large their dragons were. Stealth wasn't really their strong suit. The Monstrous Nightmare and Hideous Zippleback landed on the deck as quietly as possible. The ship rocked slightly with the new weight, water sloshing up the sides of the hull with a splash.
The ship was dark and devoid of sound and life. Very unlike Johann's ship, where torches always burned and his whistling could always be heard from belowdecks.
"The dragons can watch the deck. Let us know if anyone comes snooping around, Maybelle." Snotlout said, dismounting and drawing a sword. "You two, watch my six."
The twins followed him down the ladder and into the belly of the ship, where they proceeded to check room to room. They didn't dare call out for the risk of warning any enemies who might be lurking below decks. They soon realized that something was undeniably wrong and Maybelle really had come to them for help.
Treasures lay scattered on floors, boxes upended, cots slashed and dismantled, belongings destroyed with very little care. What the perpetrators had been looking for, Snotlout didn't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe they'd been attacked by pirates and kidnapped. Maybe the ship had been pilfered by thieves after Johann and Alton's disappearance.
Except that was a fate he wished he could settle on. These thoughts and other imaginings vanished from Snotlout's mind as he and the twins stopped in the door of the final room: the captain's quarters. It was empty, destroyed just as the other rooms had been, except for a single note, pinned to the door with a dagger. On its surface was a message scrawled in coarse black letters:
Your move.
"What does it mean?" Ruffnut whispered.
Snotlout thought of his baby girl's eyes, bright with inner fire, back on Berk. Hopeful and waiting.
Ignoring the sinking feeling of failure in his gut, Snotlout unpinned the note and stuffed it into his breast pocket. "It means Alton and Johann are gone."
"Gone?" Tuffnut asked. "Gone as in kidnapped, or…"
"I don't know and it doesn't matter." Snotlout said, turning and striding back up the way they'd come. "All I know is we need to get back to Berk as fast as we can."
It was strange, Erick thought, how detached he felt from the world.
He'd felt better after his talk with Hiccup and relaxing on the beach with his father-in-law, Finn and Darin. Now he was filled with less loathing for himself and his lot in life. Hiccup was right, and he did his best to nip in the bud any and all negative thoughts that followed him through the day. They continued to nag at him, but he didn't linger on them.
He spent most of the day alone, something that Hiccup and Finn quailed at. But he promised, looking both of them in the eye, that he wouldn't do anything else drastic. Finn had been less interested in the promise, but Hiccup had finally relented after insisting that Charger go with him. He'd agreed.
It had been their agreement all those years ago that Hiccup trusted him. It seemed his father-in-law was willing to give him that chance once again.
Erick hated how far he'd let himself fall. Though his heart still hurt from Adrianna's words, she hadn't been the one to pick up the dagger. She might have cut him deeply with her words, but it had been himself who'd made his wrist bleed.
It was that age old temptation, that he deserved the pain, that some sort of self-inflicted wound would make the internal thoughts go away. That had been the lie he'd grown accustomed to years ago, except it didn't satisfy that self loathing. It didn't solve anything. It only caused more scarring, physical and emotional, and it hurt others. Not just himself.
After leaving the Great Hall that morning, avoiding Adrianna and her parents, all he'd wanted was to see Darin. For one purely selfish moment he'd almost not allowed himself to do so, wondering what Adrianna would think if he'd picked Darin up himself. If she'd be angry if he did.
And then he told himself that there was nothing wrong with wanting to be with his son. In fact, Darin was the only person he wanted to be with.
Darin, who was his son, despite everything. Darin, who healed all wounds, though he'd never know that he wasn't just his mother's saving grace.
He was his adopted father's, too.
The word adopted clanged through him and he exhaled sharply, ignoring the emotions that rose up in his chest. Charger cocked his head at him, keeping vigil as instructed. He could probably smell the blood beneath the bandages.
Erick ignored that thought and the pang of guilt it brought as he stepped over a branch in the well worn dirt path. They'd been walking through the woods for hours. Step by uneven step. Thought by painful thought.
Cliff always teased him for plunging too far into his thoughts. He was probably right. But the silence of the woods, the lack of bustling activity, the chirp of insects and birds and gentle scrape of scales against leather from Charger's saddle were cathartic. Out here in the silence, he could pick apart his muddled thoughts one by one, truth by truth.
Darin is my son.
Truth.
He's adopted.
Truth. So what?
She thinks it's my fault.
Is it my fault? Maybe.
If it is, there's nothing I can do about it.
If it's not… if it's not, then she'll be proven wrong.
No. True, but it's not about proving her wrong.
Adrianna…
Adrianna.
Erick kicked a loose pebble out from under his prosthetic and sighed through his nose. Her name was like a specter walking over his grave, sending a feeling of trepidation over his senses.
How could she betray him like this? For not bringing this whole thing to his attention sooner? Not only had they lost the physical aspect of their relationship over the course of weeks, but also their communication. She'd lost her ability to empathise. They could have talked it through, born it together, just like they did with everything.
But it wasn't his fault.
Erick came to a halt, drawing Charger's attention.
It's not my fault.
…
…
Truth.
The admission felt both wrong and right at the same time. He didn't want to admit it and yet a weight seemed to lift off his shoulders.
It's not my fault…
That she stopped hoping.
That she gave up.
That she blames me.
That her fear caused her to lash out to the closest, easiest target.
At the end of the day, he hadn't asked for any of this. He hadn't wished for this sort of pain and burden. And yet, this was the truth of the matter. It was completely understandable that she'd get frustrated. That she'd get upset and be tempted to give up.
She had no right or excuse to say the horrible things she did. She didn't have any reason to be so cruel about it.
But… he understood.
"It only took once with…"
Erick closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose.
False. That's not how she meant that.
Because in his heart of hearts, he knew she would never compare him to Brandyn.
Just the fact that she was frustrated because she'd yet to conceive their own child was proof. She wouldn't go back to Brandyn for anything. Would never even consider it. That wasn't the point she'd been trying to make.
Granted, a poorly conceived point, but a point nonetheless.
She wasn't saying she didn't want kids with him or that he wasn't good enough for her. She was frustrated because she wanted that fulfilled more than anything, and it wasn't working.
No, it just hasn't happened yet.
An important distinction to make if there ever was one. Because he refused to believe that he couldn't have kids. Maybe after ten years of marriage or more they'd have a better understanding, but it hadn't been that long. Not even close.
And because she was afraid and didn't know what to do with that possibility, she'd taken it to the next level.
"We have a son. We should be grateful and just move on."
Making it personal, too personal. Driving in the wedge with a well-placed blow that she hadn't realized she'd even planted. Just as she'd done on many occasions throughout her life.
To his surprise, he found himself smiling. How could his smart, beautiful, brilliant Annie not see just how painful her words could be? The problem was merely that she thought too quickly for her own good and didn't think through the consequences of what those words might do to a person. For those moments, she led with her heart and not her head, and would do whatever it took to get that point across.
Only to realize afterward the sort of damage she'd caused.
Laughing softly, Erick reached up to rub his face. Quite the heartbreaker, his Annie.
He couldn't stop loving her despite that. Maybe thinking too quickly and saying things without considering the repercussions was something she struggled with, but he couldn't hate her for that. Gods knew he had his own flaws to deal with too. Gods knew she might be disgusted with him for hurting himself again.
No. Annie would never hate him for that. If anything, she'd feel even worse for making him feel so horrible that all this happened. All of it.
Yes, the words hurt. Maybe some of them were true. Maybe it was his fault they weren't having more kids. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe he'd never find out.
But he still loved her. He couldn't hate her if he tried or even stay angry with her. Even though it all still hurt, he wanted to fix things.
Besides all that, things had to change. He lifted his shirt sleeve to reveal the bandage around his forearm and pondered the bandage, the white scars above and below it. He was done marring his skin on purpose. He'd regretted that single cut the moment he'd slashed the blade across his skin. The sight of the scars lined up above it were stark in the early morning light, and one name had clanged through him, which hurt more than the pain of the blade.
Darin.
What would Darin think if he could see his daddy hurting himself on purpose? The boy was much too young to understand a person doing such a thing, but Erick could imagine the fear in his son's blue eyes, which were as honest and true as Benen's had been.
Something had to change. This was a relapse and one he didn't intend to repeat. The thought of going home and facing Adrianna caused his stomach to clench near painfully, but he knew he couldn't hide out here in the woods forever. He'd have to face her soon enough.
But there was something he wanted to do first.
Charger had gone quite still beside him, watching him think. Finally, he turned his face up toward his dragon and smiled. "What do you say we visit Arne's?"
Charger cocked his head and blinked, clearly confused.
"Yeah, I'm probably crazy but I've got an idea." Erick reached up to grab the saddlehorn but paused at the sight of a familiar oak. The worn bark, the charred trunk sundered by lightning years and years ago. He and Adrianna had always marveled at its proximity to their childhood playing grounds.
Turning, he took stock of Troll Bridge. He hadn't realized how far they'd walked, the length of the village really, but deep in the woods. He should have recognized the well worn path to the little cave, but apparently he was so deep in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed. And just up the path was their house.
When they'd been selecting the land upon which to build a house, Adrianna had asked if it were possible to build something close to Troll Bridge. That way their children could play there as they once did. He'd loved the idea. He didn't know what strings Hiccup had pulled, but their wish had come true. Therefore, Darin was very familiar with the place and had many adventures there with his parents.
Some of Erick's favorite memories were just hiking and exploring the woods with his little family, searching for the ever elusive trolls and fairies and having picnics in the fields, tromping through the woods, or playing at Troll Bridge. He cherished those moments more than anything.
Crossing the bridge, he stooped slightly so as not to knock his head on the roof of the small cave. Inside the walls were lined with boxes of toys for Darin and a lined hamper for old dish cloths they used for cleaning. In the center was a well worn table that Hiccup had once built for him and Adrianna to use. Now, nearly twenty years later he realized with a small jolt, their son used it.
Finn had gotten Darin a box of his first "man's tools set" for his third birthday. The little wooden mallet and hammer and other tools were strewn about the floor from their last play date. Smiling, Erick set about picking them up and putting them back in their boxes. It was a real wonder that everything they'd ever put in the cave had survived the elements, but set on a slight incline as it was, the rains never swept in. Of course there were bugs and animals and the occasional dragon, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. But Troll Bridge seemed to symbolize something in their life together.
Quite without meaning to, he'd walked to Troll Bridge. It wasn't the first time he'd done so. It surely wouldn't be the last. It was their little getaway from home, their own personal safe space where they could be alone or be together. They were together either way. Troll Bridge only served as a reminder that no matter what happened, no matter where he went, he'd always come back to Troll Bridge. To home. To Annie.
Heart lifting for the first time in days, Erick left Troll Bridge with more purpose in his step, some hard edge in his soul sanded down and smoothed over. Clipping his prosthetic into the stirrup Hiccup had custom-made for him, he mounted and patted Charger's neck. "Alright, buddy. Let's go."
Long after Astrid had left, Adrianna sat alone at the dining table. Her face felt puffy and swollen. It probably was. Her mother's words had spoken true and yet she still felt isolated in her misery. Which was well deserved.
A firm knock on the door jolted her from her thoughts minutes or hours later. Sniffing, she tried to settle the nervousness that launched through her. Was it Erick? Gods, she hoped so and hoped not at the same time. If it wasn't she'd feel crushed, and yet if it was and he felt the need to knock on his own door-
She took a fortifying breath and opened the door to reveal Finn and Darin, perched high up on his uncle's shoulders.
"Hi mama!" Darin said, blonde hair shining gold in the orange glow of sunset. His blue eyes were as bright as his uncle's, and yet they didn't narrow with concern as Finn's did.
Adrianna's smile wasn't faked, though it felt strange considering her emotions weighing her down. "Hi baby! Did you spend the day with Uncle Finn?"
"Uh huh!" Darin said, hands slapping down over Finn's eyes momentarily before he pulled his face away. "We go fishing and swimming!"
"That sounds like fun."
Finn stooped as he crossed the threshold, careful not to whack Darin's head on the door frame. Once inside he lifted Darin off his shoulders and play-dropped him, careful to catch him again long before his feet touched the floor. "It was fun," he said slowly. "That is until this little monster nearly swallowed half the ocean."
"That's disconcerting." Adrianna said. "A fine babysitter you make, Finnegan."
"It wasn't my fault!" Finn said, setting Darin down at last. "Darin, tell her. Don't leave a man hanging!"
Darin looked up at him in confusion. She stifled a grin at how far back Darin had to lean to look Finn in the face.
"Remember what happened with Pepper?"
"Oh ya." Darin said, turning to her with a matter-of-fact expression. "Pepper splashed me and I went in the water and Unca Winn saved me."
"Oh my, that crazy Pepper." Adrianna said, squatting down to meet his eyes better. "But you're okay now, right?"
"My eyes hurt and the water was salty." Darin squinted and then pointed to his nose with emphasis. "And I got water in my nose."
Adrianna glanced up at Finn with a raised brow. "I trust you properly scolded her?"
"Of course." Finn said. "This entire day was a precursor to parenting if there ever was one."
"I suppose that's one pro to being an uncle first," Adrianna said, brushing Darin's hair back and kissing his forehead as he suddenly gave a big yawn and rubbed his eyes. "You get to learn and practice early."
"Well yes, but not too much." Finn said, crossing his arms. "I prefer to be the fun uncle, not the bossy, overzealous uncle."
Adrianna smirked. "As opposed to a bossy, overzealous parent?"
"Don't jinx me."
Jokes aside, she felt his attention on her but ignored it. Glancing at Darin's rumpled shirt and droopy eyes, she said, "Why don't you go pick out some jammies? Or do you want a bath-"
"No." Darin said promptly. "I go pick out jammies now."
Finn stifled a laugh as Darin pattered away, blonde hair bouncing. "That kid sure hates baths."
"He does." Adrianna said, standing and straightening her shirt. "Not unless…" She swallowed. "Not unless it's Erick giving him one. For some reason he prefers it that way. Maybe because he makes it fun or… something."
They lapsed into an awkward silence, one in which she strained her ears to listen to Darin likely pulling handfuls of his clothing out of his dresser drawers in search of the perfect pair of pajamas. The cat, Mittens appeared from the top of the stairs and promptly disappeared down the hallway in search of the ruckus.
"Anna, I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning."
Surprised, Adrianna glanced at her brother. His expression was somber.
"I mean it." Finn glanced down at his feet as if they'd give him some sort of direction. "I'm not going to make excuses for why I act the way I do. The point is you and Erick had a rough night and I didn't need to snap at you."
Adrianna swallowed. "For once I think you were right to. I deserved it-"
"No, you didn't."
"I needed the admonishment." Adrianna said. "I might feel a little all over the place right now with my emotions, but this much is true: I didn't need to say anything to make it all worse." She paused. "Have you seen him?"
"Not since after the meeting." Finn replied. "He went on a walk with Charger but I haven't seen him since. Dad had some things to take care of so I took Darin."
"Thank you. He loves spending time with you."
Finn smiled, but it faded quickly. "Anna, last night Erick…"
Adrianna swallowed. "I know. Mom told me."
He looked relieved that he didn't have to say it out loud or break the news. "Maybe it was providence that he didn't do it until I got up for work."
"I'm sorry." Adrianna whispered, her throat clenching near painfully. "You shouldn't have had to deal with that."
Finn was silent for nearly a minute. "Why do you say it like that? It freaked the Hel out of me, but I'd gladly do it again."
"I just mean that it shouldn't have happened-" Adrianna huffed. "No, that's not what I mean. It was my fault that it ever got that far, that the things I said to him caused him to feel so horribly that he felt the need to…" Her eyes burned. "It should have been me there to patch him up but he'll probably never want me to touch him again in any way, let alone for that."
Finn sighed. "Anna, that's not true."
"It is true. He has every right to despise me." Adrianna sniffed. "I despise me."
He opened his mouth to reply, but the doorknob suddenly jiggled and the door swung open. Erick paused halfway through the door, his eyebrows shooting upward.
"Hey!" Finn said in a suddenly jovial tone. "I just dropped Darin off."
Erick nodded to Finn. "Thanks for taking him." His voice was soft, as if he didn't want to spook a wild animal. And his forearms, both of them, were wrapped in white cloth.
She couldn't take it. She turned and strode down the hall to check on Darin, grateful for any excuse to distract herself from this. Her breath hitched in her chest and she tried to exhale it slowly and evenly so they wouldn't hear her, but knew it was futile.
She'd done this. She'd broken him. Her mom said it had only been one cut, but he'd spent the rest of the day alone and now both arms were wrapped-
Adrianna slipped into Darin's room and took a deep breath, trying to shove her emotions down. It wasn't going very well. Thankfully Darin proved a worthy distraction, but not in the way she'd expected.
On a normal day she might have burst into laughter and called Erick and Finn into the room to look, but she didn't. Instead she found herself smiling at her son passed out atop a large pile of pajamas, mouth hanging open in sleep. Clearly his uncle and their dragons had worn him out for the day.
Tapping her fingers against her arm, she deliberated the wisdom in leaving him on the floor amongst his half folded clothes or doing the proper thing and putting him to bed. She could hear Erick and Finn talking softly across the house, but tuned them out, not wishing to hear what they were saying.
How was she going to survive this night?
She finally opted to put Darin to bed. She gently slid her hands under his arms, praying that he'd stay asleep. He whined slightly and she hushed him, gathering him to her chest and standing. In her warm embrace he hummed and relaxed almost instantly, too exhausted to wake properly.
Picking her way through the messy bedroom littered with toys and half dirty and half folded clothes, she pulled back the blankets and set him down, quick to pull the blankets back up so he wouldn't miss her warmth too much. She wouldn't bother waking him up by changing his clothes. They weren't that dirty, which meant that Finn had likely taken his shirt off as they played in the water.
Darin didn't stir again and was oblivious to the kiss she pressed to his brow and her fingers brushing his hair back. Ever since he was an infant, she'd always sit and watch him sleep, counting his breaths. Sometimes she'd wake in the middle of the night to check on him. Her baby boy that she couldn't get enough of. That she couldn't stay away from.
She'd do anything for him. She'd give him her very heart and soul if she had to, to keep him safe and happy. There was nothing she would not do for him.
So would Erick.
In fact, no matter how hard the next minutes or hours or days or maybe even weeks or months would be, all due to her unkindness and ungratefulness, the thought of things going poorly with Erick, or even changing, was abhorrent to her. Darin would be confused… devastated, really. It would change him, even at three years old.
So, she would talk to her husband. She would do whatever it took to mend things, even if she had to beg. Not only for Darin's sake, but also for her own. A life without Erick because of her own pride… If she'd really shoved him away at long last… she didn't know how'd she survive it.
But how could he ever still want her after the things she'd said?
The click of metal on wood echoed down the hall in even steps, even though his other mismatched step was near silent. Though she didn't turn from her vigil, she knew when he stood in the doorway, just watching.
And though she was willing to do whatever it took to fix things, for the life of her she didn't know what to say.
Maybe it was cowardice, but she waited. Still watching Darin. There would come a day, not long from now, when he'd no longer be a toddler. He'd be up with the sun and sprinting through the village like every other child around his age. Free as the wind, and he'd be blissfully unaware of how terrified and proud his mother was.
So for now, even though it was stalling, even though she needed to say something to Erick, she watched her son sleep.
Then Erick moved closer into the room.
She swallowed but stayed still as he approached, his steps even. He stopped beside her and she realized he too was watching their son. Finn must have left. She didn't know when and didn't care. Not as her breath hitched in her chest at his proximity, her heart hammering in her chest.
She'd never been afraid to hear him speak before and yet she suddenly realized she was terrified at what he might say.
Except he didn't. Slowly his hand brushed against hers, his little finger wrapping around her own. A soft, tiny gesture, practically nothing, and yet so, so intentional. As if he knew that she was distancing herself from him because she deserved it, and he disagreed. And yet such a gentle touch as it was, maybe it was still slightly hesitant, as if he was afraid to do more.
Her cursed eyes burned again for the hundredth time that day, but she curled her fingers around his and squeezed.
"Annie." Erick whispered.
Finally she looked up at him and found his teal eyes already on her. They were shadowed, tired and yet… clear. Nervous, but not afraid. Not… angry or full of self-loathing. In fact, they were open and full of kindness. Still sad, but kind. Kindness she didn't deserve.
No. She was so despicable, she didn't deserve it, and here he was, offering it to her again, just as he always had.
Shame prickled through her. She didn't deserve it. Her face must have been wrecked because he gently pulled her from the room. Her chest burned with suppressed emotion and she hiccupped, hating herself for still crying even hours later. And yet Erick still pulled her into the living room and turned, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Annie, breathe. Please, I don't want you to fall to pieces."
And even as he brushed rebellious tears off her face, the sight of his bandaged arms was her undoing. Chest heaving, she dropped her face into his chest and sobbed. He wrapped his arms around her as he always had and shushed her.
"It's okay. I know, it's okay. I'm okay."
"You're n-not. You're not okay." Adrianna wept. "I should be on my knees begging for your forgiveness-"
"No." Erick's voice was firm but his hands were gentle as he lifted her face to meet his eyes. "You don't ever kneel for me. I am nothing and I am every bit as wretched as you and your pretty mouth sometimes, but that doesn't mean that we can't forgive each other for our mistakes." He wiped more tears off her face. "You don't have to beg for forgiveness. You already have it."
"Why?" Adrianna demanded, some of her temper returning. "Why do you have to be so gods-forsaken perfect when you should obviously hate me?"
A spark of mischief entered his expression then and he laughed a little. "I couldn't hate you if I tried, Annie. You drive me absolutely mad sometimes, but I could never hate you. Life would be easier if we were perfect, but we're not. We can still love each other for not being perfect. Don't think for one second that I don't despise myself for…" He paused, but it did nothing to stop the quiver in his voice. "For breaking the promise to myself that I'd never hurt myself again. For failing myself and my family, and for being a disappointment, for scaring Finn half to death. I hate myself for doubting and for giving in, even if it was only a second. So why would hating you and blaming you for that fix anything? It would only make it worse."
"But why should you shove it all under the rug and pretend it didn't happen?"
"Look at me, Adrianna, do I look like I'm pretending?" Erick's calm seemed to be slipping by the second. He pushed a hand through his hair and exhaled a long breath. "I'm not living in an illusion that everything is just fine. What you said hurt. I'm not denying that."
"Exactly, and it's because of what I said that made you relapse. That's my fault." Adrianna said firmly, sniffing thickly and wiping her face on her sleeves.
"No, that's what instigated it. It was my own obsessing over it that caused me to doubt everything and call everything into question, which in turn made me think that none of the last four years was worth it, not because I wished it didn't happen, but because I didn't think I deserved it. Sometimes I still don't."
Adrianna gaped. "Don't deserve… of course, you do! You've given up everything for me. Everything you've done up until now was for me! Why wouldn't you deserve this?" She lifted her arms to gesture at the house and everything in it. "Why wouldn't you deserve every ounce of happiness that you've worked for?"
Erick was quiet for a long moment. His voice was hoarse as he finally said, "I don't know. I don't know, okay? But at the heart of everything, I still feel like I don't. Like I need to prove myself to everyone that I deserve even a small part of it. Maybe it's penance for Aud, I don't know-"
"Don't say that. She'd be so proud of you."
"That's not the point though." Erick insisted. "I've been chasing these doubts for years and they're not easy to ignore sometimes. I know you probably see a workaholic, but I see a kid still grabbing at straws trying to make things work, and it's never good enough."
"No. I see a hardworking man who's done everything and more for me. For us. You don't have to prove yourself to me," Adrianna said. "I could understand the others, but not me."
"Don't I?" Erick asked.
Adrianna blinked, her mind whirling. "Did… Did I ever give an impression that I expected you to?"
"No, of course not. I just… I don't think I can even place when I started thinking that I needed to work harder and be better to prove myself worthy of you and Darin, but I think it's been a while." Erick looked down at his hands, stained with leather oil and covered in calluses. "I'd do anything to protect both of you. To make you happy. And…" His breath hitched slightly and she watched as his face turned pink. "And when you said the things you did about me, maybe if I can't have kids, and then if Darin's all I'll ever have and he's just my adopted son, it just… It was everything I never expected you to say, because the voice of doubt in my mind was the only one who'd ever say those things. And I never believed it until then."
Gently Adrianna took hold of his shirt and pulled him closer. "Look at me. Please."
Slowly, his teal eyes rose. He looked so vulnerable, so breakable. Suddenly her own feelings and emotions meant nothing. She would fix this.
"You may not want to hear it. Not now, not ever, but you need to." Adrianna said, for once not fighting the tremble in her voice. "I'm sorry. For making you feel incapable and inadequate, for making you doubt yourself and us. I'm sorry for doubting us. I'm sorry for comparing you to-"
"You didn't-"
"I did." Adrianna said firmly. "I didn't mean it that way, but that's what you heard. I'm sorry for saying that. It was disgusting and mean. I don't want anyone else other than you, kids or no. Kids are a byproduct of what we have, what we are, and without you I'd be nothing. Just another nameless girl in this cruel world." Her throat tightened near painfully. The thought of not having an Erick Larson in her life was near excruciating. "I'd die without you."
Though his eyes were brimming with tears of his own, he gave her a watery smile. "I find that hard to believe. My Annie, the most resilient of them all. My Annie, who has survived every fire and has always come out stronger."
"Because of you." Adrianna whispered. "Without you I was alone and empty. You were the first one to hold out your hand. Without you, I'd be nowhere." Lips trembling, she smoothed a hand up his face. "You may not trust yourself or love yourself, but I do. I love you, Erick. And even if we never have kids, I'm blessed to be your wife. Blessed beyond measure."
Face crumpling he first kissed her palm and then her lips before lifting her off her feet in a tight embrace. Adrianna threw her arms around his shoulders, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and breathing in the leather scent of him. A day without him had felt like an eternity.
"For a minute I thought you were going to leave me," she whispered. "And I thought I deserved it."
"Never." Erick buried his nose in her neck. "I'm yours, Annie, for as long as you'll have me."
She felt the words in the vibration of his chest as he spoke them, as they knit themselves against her heart. As they washed over the cracks in her soul and knit her back together, piece by piece. Until she sighed and felt all the tension of the last day leave her body, until she felt nothing but safe in her husband's arms, just as she always had been, and he felt just as safe in hers.
"Forever then."
Erick felt it the moment she went boneless in his arms and heard her sigh against him. Just as her words yesterday had split them apart, her words today had been a balm to his senses.
It wasn't easy, ignoring that negative voice that always jeered and told him what a horrible job he was doing. How he needed to work harder, do better. The voice had perked up when Adrianna's spiteful words had rang out yesterday, and then it had cheered.
She was right.
He wasn't good enough.
He didn't work hard enough.
He didn't deserve her.
He didn't even satisfy her,
What was the point anyway?
These thoughts and more had plagued him all night until he'd taken matters into his own hands. Selfishly. And now, after this difficult, painful, but utterly necessary conversation they needed to have, it felt so simple to look at those thoughts and wonder how he'd fallen into the trap again, like he always used to.
Now, instead of pushing them away, he recognized each of them for what they were, and answered each of them with a firm answer.
Lies. All of them, lies.
They'd work on it together. Some dull edge that he hadn't realized was there and growing larger by the day was soothed. Now he was quite content to hold her in his arms for hours if necessary, just as she clung to him. He hadn't properly held her in what felt like months. He'd missed her so badly in every way, not just the physical, and this very conversation proved it. It felt like they hadn't had a discussion this vulnerable in years. Suddenly it felt like nothing had changed and they were four again. Eight again. Twelve again. Eighteen.
And now, nearly twenty-one for her and nearly twenty-three for him. How fast the time flew.
"I missed you." Erick whispered. He finally lowered her to the ground but he couldn't help but slide his hands up her back as he did.
Her hands slid down his arms and lingered. "I missed you, too." Her green eyes flicked down as her fingers slid onto the wrappings covering his forearms.
"So I did something today." Erick said, gauging her expression. She looked so nervous that he gave her a smile. "Rather adventurous of me and I hope I don't come to regret it, but… I want you to do the honors." He lifted his bandaged arms, forearms up.
Adrianna's eyes went wide. "Erick, I… I don't want to-"
"No, no. It's not… not that." Erick said quickly, tapping the bandage higher on his arm that covered the cut. "That's this one. These two aren't the same. They're a… surprise, for both of us."
One of her perfectly groomed brows went up.
Erick grinned, extending one a wrist. "Just take it off. Trust me."
Adrianna looked concerned as she finally began to pick apart the white cloth wrapping his wrist. Soon she unraveled it around and around and around until a long bundle of cloth was in her hands, blotted not with blood, but instead… ink.
She peeled back a final square of cloth and stared down at the black letters inked into his skin.
Veritas.
Adrianna gasped and took his arm in her hand, stooping to get a closer look. Then she stared up at him, her green eyes wide and mouth open.
Erick laughed. "Yeah. I'm surprised too actually."
"You got tattoos?" Adrianna's voice was pitched and breathless, utterly shocked. She stared back down at it. "Wait! Wait. Gimme." She snatched up his other wrist and began yanking off the cloth.
"Easy, woman," Erick said, ignoring the stinging sensation from the cut a few inches above the wrappings she was mercilessly tearing at. "The ink is still drying."
"Oh… my… gods." Adrianna said, revealing the second inked line marked on his other wrist. "I can't believe this. What does veritas mean?"
"It means truth." Erick said, staring down at the words. "Your dad told me earlier that I need to stop believing the lies I tell myself and… he was right. I took the rest of the day to get some closure and clear my head, but I thought there are going to be more days like yesterday. Maybe not in the same way, but temptation always comes back." He swallowed. "From now on, anytime I'm visited with the urge to lie to myself, or gods forbid to hurt myself, I'll look down and see these." He closed his wrists into fists, flexing the skin of his marred wrists just enough that the new ink stretched. "No more lies."
Speaking the words out loud felt permanent, just like the ink. He couldn't take the words back anymore than he could take the ink off. No more lies. Only truth.
Glancing up at Adrianna, he found her green eyes bright with tears. Thankful, happy tears. Abruptly she took his face in her hands and leaning up on tiptoes, she kissed him.
Erick slid his hands around her waist and pulled her in closer, deepening the kiss. It had been far, far too long and yet it strangely felt like a first kiss all over again.
Adrianna pulled away slightly. "I love them. I love you." She looked so proud and happy and relieved, he quickly kissed her again. And again. And again.
Somehow they managed their way up the stairs to their room without breaking anything, but soon the back of her knees hit their bed and he threw out a hand to catch her as she fell back, but she grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him on top of her. Her lips on his neck and hands roaming his skin set his heart racing and suddenly it was hard to think of anything else but her.
"Someone-" Adrianna gasped, arching into him as he nipped the sensitive skin below her ear and grinned. "Is easily excited tonight."
"Well that is your fault," Erick said, his voice rough. "For leaving me alone for weeks and weeks and weeks-"
"Are all men such babies?"
Erick grinned. "Absolutely. Besides," he kissed her firmly. "We've got to make up for lost time."
"Oh gods."
Laughing, Erick brushed his fingers through her hair and kissed her brow, then her nose, then her lips. "I love you."
Holding his gaze, Adrianna first kissed one tattooed wrist, then the other, and then stretched up to kiss his lips. And lingered for a long, long moment until she finally drew away. "I love you. And thank you."
Though he knew what she meant, Erick smirked and slid his hands up her arms until he laced his fingers through hers and held them down. "Don't thank me yet."
Adrianna's laugh was cut off by another kiss and was soon forgotten by another and another.
Until they lost track of time. Until they made up for lost time. Until some time later they fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms once again, as if nothing had ever changed. As if there had never been any doubt at all.
Things got all steamy at the end there! Can't wait to read your reviews here or on Discord!
~Katie