A/N Hello, readers! Coming at you with some largely plotless word porn. This was written for Klarosummer Bingo using the prompt, "Sure - it's the old 'dildo in the freezer' seduction technique!" The event is hosted on tumblr by Uppity Bitch (supremeuppityone), a fantastic author and excellent sounding board. Definitely check out her work and look for the event on tumblr at klarosummerbingo and me at eliliyah. Enjoy and leave me a review if you like it! (No concrit, please!)

Quality Control

"I swear to God, if I find one more sex toy where it doesn't belong, someone's going to get hurt." Caroline Mikaelson pulled a hot pink silicone butt plug out of her cutlery drawer and glared at it hatefully, knuckles whitening from her tight grip.

Klaus Mikaelson sipped his morning coffee from a mug shaped like a pair of breasts, tilting his head thoughtfully to the side. "That is a hazard of putting them where they don't belong."

"It is not funny!" With a snarl, she turned and threw the toy across the kitchen, narrowly missing her husband's head. "I'm going to kill that little shit!"

"Sweetheart, don't be dramatic," he complained as he dodged the toy by side stepping at the last minute, a few drops of hot liquid splattering against his hand and making him hiss. "I agree that my brother is an irritating little shit, but practical jokes hardly justify murder."

"Who said anything about killing Kol?" she countered, vitriol dripping off her tongue as she stared at him spitefully. Rifling through the drawers, she found a pair of bright yellow nipple clamps stashed in between a rolling pin and an egg beater. She lobbed them at him, but he easily caught the chain midair and tucked them in the back pocket of his jeans. "You're the one who said he could spend the summer with us."

"A decision you have assured I regret deeply," he groaned, pulling out a stool from their breakfast bar and taking a seat. Grabbing a napkin from a holder shaped like a woman's ass, he wiped the coffee off his still smarting knuckles. "I maintain my position that it would have mitigated our collective grievances had we informed him of your chosen career prior to his arrival."

"Giving him a head's up that I design sex toys for a living just would've given him more time to prepare how best to fuck with my inventory." Realizing how that sounded, Caroline's jaw dropped and she quickly tried to backtrack, but her husband was laughing so hard he was nearly in tears.

"Well," Klaus choked out in between gasps for air as he clutched his sides, "he has been having different women over every night. I'd say there's a strong chance he's been both fucking with us and with your inventory."

The blonde's body shook with rage as she opened her freezer door to find yet another toy. With her teeth clenched together, she pulled it out and waved it at him threateningly as if brandishing a lethal weapon. Could frozen silicone kill someone? She wasn't sure, but if Kol kept this up, she was going to find out. "Sure - it's the old 'dildo in the freezer' seduction technique!" she squealed, slamming the toy down on the counter right in front of him. "I hear frostbite is all the rage this season!"

"It's silicone, love. I'm sure it can be thawed. Where have I seen this before?" Picking up the frozen dildo, he turned it over in his hand and tried to place where he'd seen it. They'd been married for five years after a year-long courtship fresh out of university. In that time, she'd risen to the top of the sex-toy industry with her unique designs and perky personality on late night infomercials. They were actually quite surprised Kol hadn't heard of Sunshine Erotic Boutique considering he fell right into her target demographic. In retrospect, if they'd made sure, they probably wouldn't be finding her products all over the kitchen. "It looks familiar," he mused as he looked it over. It was high grade medical silicone and as close to the real thing as anyone in the market could boast, second only to actual human skin.

"It should," Caroline huffed, blowing a stray tendril out of her face. It was way too early for this shit. She hadn't even had her morning coffee or washed her face. Couldn't frozen penises wait until after breakfast? "It's yours." Unable to bear the arrogant smirk curling his upper lip as he examined the impressively large dildo, she reached over to snatch it away, but he was too fast for her. "Give that back! It's the 'husband model' and it's a prototype! That one wasn't even in the garage with the rest of the inventory. That little cretin stole it from my workshop and now it's ruined!" Screeching as she tried to steal it back, he held it just beyond her reach as he walked around to the far counter and turned on the sink, setting the temperature to hot. "What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing it," he replied simply, running the dildo under the stream as it poured out of a cock-shaped stainless steel faucet. Klaus had become very familiar with the various materials she used for her toys since they tested everything personally before it hit the market. He was trying to make it as an artist, but it was slow going and more and more of his time was going to helping her run the business. After he took over internet sales, they were able to save up enough to move away from their small Virginia town where her products weren't fully appreciated. They now lived in a small two-story house on the beach off the coast of northern Florida.

The Sunshine State was full of freaks - the locals didn't bat an eye when word got out that they made dildos and butt plugs for a living. The Mikaelsons had been relieved at first to be accepted and even renamed their line Sunshine Erotic Boutique. Unfortunately, the armpit of America was a little too welcoming. They drew the line when one of the neighbors asked if they gave out free samples and another offered his cock up as a model for his proposed 'Florida Man' line. They'd installed an alarm system and put up cameras, but at least she'd gotten the idea to base a toy off the real thing.

Klaus had a very marketable cock.

"I told you; it's ruined. It was in the freezer for God knows how long." Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest. "It can't be fixed. Whoever heard of thawing frozen silicone?"

"Caroline, on our first date, you served me a drink with cock-shaped ice cubes made in silicone trays," Klaus reminded her as he rolled his eyes and nodded at the freezer. She could be very, very blonde sometimes. "They were in storage for a week when we moved and are still perfectly functional. Remember when Kol used them last week for jello shots?"

"That's different!" the designer wailed, stomping her foot against their hardwood floors. "That's eight inches long and over two inches thick!"

A smirk curled his upper lip as he looked over at her smugly. "Oh, I know." Leaning over, he whispered in her ear, "It is mine, after all."

Narrowing her eyes at the wicked gleam in his, Caroline slapped his hand away. "And it's going to be seeing more action than the real thing if you don't do something about your brother!"

"I thought you said it was broken?" he teased, a hint of dimples peeking out from beneath his gruff stubble.

"I thought you said you were fixing it," she mimicked in a faux and poorly done British accent. Broken penises were no laughing matter! Klaus bit back a grin as he shut off the water and dried off the lifelike replica of his cock. "See? You can't, can you? It's ruined! It's… Oh." Her breath caught in her chest as he pressed warm silicone to her belly beneath the thin fabric of her tank top and leaned down to kiss her. "You fixed it," she whispered against his lips, wrapping her hand around his wrist to take it back. "Thanks." Instead of giving it to her, he slowly dragged the warm tip down her belly, his other hand hot against her thigh. "Klaus, what are you doing? That's a prototype," she protested meekly, her body already starting to react to his close proximity.

"I know." Pressing his lips back to hers, he kissed her with a little more passion as he used his other arm to lift her onto the counter and step between her thighs. "Which is why I think a little test is in order, don't you? Call it quality control."

Distracted by Klaus' hot lips against the side of her neck, Caroline tilted her head back to give him better access as she mumbled, "Quality control?" He hummed deep in the back of his throat as he nibbled lightly with his teeth, slowly dragging the toy across her lower belly. She knew she was supposed to be angry about something, but as his hand snaked up her shirt, she couldn't remember what it was. Hot cocks were unfairly distracting. One minute, she was screaming at the top of her lungs and the next, her tank top was on the floor.

And the next minute when Kol walked in, she was screaming again.

Five seconds later, he was screaming on the ground after an eight inch silicone dildo landed right between his eyes.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Klaus yelled, quickly moving in front of his topless wife to block his little brother's view.

Fortunately for Caroline, Kol couldn't see anything because his eyes were rapidly swelling shut. No sooner had he left the room sputtering and coughing up blood than she was slapping her husband on the chest. "Your stupid brother got blood on my prototype! Now what am I supposed to do?"

Undeterred by Kol's dildo-smashed face, Klaus went right back to nuzzling her neck and relocated her hand from his chest to the bulge in his jeans. "Now, you'll just have to settle for the original model."

"Klaus, there is blood on my floor! How can you think about sex at a time like this?" she huffed, halfheartedly pushing against him even as she spread her legs wider.

"Kol is gone, you're topless and I'm hard. How can you expect me to think of anything else?" She opened her mouth to protest but was quickly dissuaded by his tongue pushing past her parted lips. She never could resist the feel of his stubble against her cheek and decided he had a point. Eagerly returning his kiss, she let him help her wiggle out of her cotton sleep shorts and panties.

"You're overdressed," she mumbled against his lips as she reached for the hem of his Henley and quickly tugged it over his head. Going for his belt, she unbuckled it easily and unsnapped the button on his jeans to free his cock, but he stopped her halfway.

"Not yet, love." Caroline was about to argue when he fell to his knees and she suddenly had no further objections. Smirking, he pressed a kiss to the inside of her knee and ran his tongue up her inner thigh as she settled her legs over his broad shoulders. Grabbing the lip of the counter with one hand, she wound the other in his short dirty blond curls, moaning when he lightly blew against her clit. Looking down into his smouldering topaz eyes, her breath caught as he slowly pushed one finger inside of her wet heat. Watching her carefully, he added a second finger as he planted kisses all over her mound, avoiding where she wanted him most.

"Klaus…" she whined, bucking her hips to urge him to go faster. With a wicked grin, he delivered a single flat lick to her clit before pulling out his fingers and spreading her lips. Pushing his tongue inside her hot core, he lapped at her inner walls as she squirmed and panted. "Stop teasing…" Smiling, he tongue fucked her harder as his gruff stubble scraped her velvet lips while she held onto the counter for dear life. Her legs began to shake atop his shoulders and she pulled his hair so hard that he scraped her with his teeth. Seeing his reaction, she tugged harder as he licked her hungrily inside and out. She mewled at the loss when he pulled out his tongue, but he didn't make her wait long before plunging two fingers deep inside her.

Klaus leaned forward and blew against her clit, lightly flicking it with his tongue. Curling his fingers, he hit the spot that he knew drove her insane over and over as she bucked her hips to meet his thrusts. "Come for me, sweetheart," he cooed against her folds and she came undone, shouting out his name over and over as she rode his face through an explosive orgasm. He lapped up her sweet arousal as he helped her ride it out, licking his fingers lasciviously as he got to his feet. With a satisfied smirk plastered on his face, he kissed her on the mouth. She licked the taste of herself from his lips as she fiddled with his jeans. She pulled down his zipper and wrapped her hand around his thick cock as they deepened their kiss.

"Definitely better than the silicone," the sunshine blonde giggled, yelping when he playfully bit down on her lower lip as she stroked him up and down. He moaned into her mouth when she swirled precum around the tip of his shaft with her thumb, one hand winding in her messy curls. Hooking one heel behind his knee, she pulled him closer between her thighs and lined him up with her entrance.

Klaus groaned as he pushed inside of her slick wetness. "Fuck, love, how are you always so fucking tight?"

Wrapping her hand in his necklaces, she replied in a breathy pant, "It's not me; it's you. This is why you're my next best seller."

Pulling his lips from her neck, the artist eyed her with an amused gleam in his eye. "We are still talking about the toy, right? You're not planning on renting me out, are you? I wouldn't know what to charge for that."

"They couldn't afford you." Grabbing him by the rosary, she took him deeper inside her and growled against his mouth, "Now shut up and fuck me." Chuckling, he snapped his hips forward and made her cry out in surprise. She retaliated by biting down hard on his neck, laving her tongue over an imprint of her teeth that she was sure would leave a bruise.

"Oh, I'll get you for that," he laughed, reaching into his back pocket and rifling around until he found a chain.

"Bring it on." Leaning back on her palms with her head against their oak cabinets, she pushed her breasts forward, nibbling her lower lip as he attached the bright yellow nipple clamps she'd thrown at him earlier. Tugging hard by the silver chain attaching them, he crashed his mouth to hers as she yelped and giggled. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist as he thrust into her. Lightly pulling on the chain with one hand, he found her clit with his other thumb and rubbed it in circles until she was heaving and whimpering into his mouth. She bucked her hips up to meet his as their bodies moved together. With one harsh tug and a few more deep thrusts, she fell apart, her walls convulsing around his thick shaft as she came. She rode him through her orgasm as he circled her rosy bud to prolong her high.

Once Caroline was on the way back down, Klaus quickly pulled out and lifted her off the counter. "Turn around for me, love," he whispered huskily into her ear when she whined in protest. Legs still shaky, she held onto the lip of the counter to get her bearings as he lined himself up with her entrance from behind. He swirled the tip of his head around her center before pressing into her, stretching and filling her completely. Leaning her forehead against the cabinet, she moaned wantonly as he pounded into her.

"Fuck!" she yelped when his hand suddenly snaked around to tug the chain.

"You said bring it on," he reminded her playfully, kissing her temple before moving his mouth down to nibble on her neck.

Even as her eyes burned and nipples ached from the clamps squeezing them, Caroline managed to tease him right back. "That all you got, Mr. Mikaelson? I may have to rethink that model thing. I think you're slipping."

"I'll show you slipping." With one hand digging into her hip to hold her steady, he pulled back with the other and delivered a sharp slap to her ass as he pulled out and thrust rapidly back in. He did it again and she slammed her palm down hard against the kitchen counter as she held on tight while he fucked her hard and fast. Tugging the chain one last time, he dragged his fingernails down the smooth skin of her belly and parted her folds to find her clit. "Can you come again for me, love?" he asked, thrusts growing ragged as he approached the edge.

"Maybe if you show me you know what you're doing," the blonde panted in between jagged movements as he slid in and out of her wet heat, a smile curling her puffy lips. There had always been a certain level of antagonism in their lovemaking; it was part of the appeal. He pushed - she pulled - they came.

Klaus grabbed her roughly by the hair and turned her to face him. "God, I love you."

"I love you more," Caroline managed to rasp before he devoured her with tongue and teeth, their mouths moving together as his fingers rubbed furiously up and down her rosy bud. She screamed out into their kiss as she came again. Her pulsing walls pushed him over the edge and he spilled his seed inside her as their hips bucked together passionately. They continued their dance until both of their chests were heaving.

Pulling back from his mouth with a gasp, Caroline inhaled a deep breath and filled her lungs with oxygen as her forehead rested against the cabinet. Collapsing forward, Klaus reached around to free first one nipple and then the next as she yelped with each pinch. He tucked the happy yellow clamps back into his back pocket before tucking his slippery cock back in his jeans. Grabbing his wife by the waist, he pulled them down to the floor and cradled her to his chest as they caught their breaths. Throwing her legs over his lap, the blonde curled into his chest and nuzzled his tattoo of a feather bursting into a flock of birds. He lazily trailed his fingers up and down her bare bicep as they snuggled in a post-coital haze, satisfied smiles on their faces.

Their moment of bliss was interrupted by a nasaly whine from around the corner. "If you're through in there, may I please come and get the ice for fuck sake? I think you broke my nose."

"Fuck off, you wanker. You deserved it," Klaus yelled, grip on his naked wife tightening possessively. "You'll get the ice once Caroline is dressed - and don't even think about coming in here while she isn't."

"Well, can she hurry it up?" Kol pleaded pathetically. "I think I've got the bleeding stopped but only one of my eyes will open."

Chuckling lightly, Caroline pulled away and slowly got to her feet. Grabbing her clothes off the floor, she took her time getting dressed as her brother-in-law audibly whimpered in pain. Stretching languidly, she called out, "Do you want the cock shaped ice or the breast shaped ice?"

"Breasts, please," Kol replied, peeking around the corner to make sure it was safe. "I've had enough cocks for one day." He had part of a tampon shoved up his nose and one eye was indeed swollen completely shut. Despite what many would consider his complete humiliation, it did not stop him from eyeing her up and down and smirking through the pain. "And it looks like I'm not the only one."

"Are you kidding me?" Caroline laughed as she dumped a silicone tray of breast shaped ice cubes into a plastic bag and zipped it shut. "That was nothing. We've been keeping it down for your sake. You should hear it when we really get going."

"This is actually a slow morning. You interrupted us before she finished her coffee." Kol sputtered a few times but couldn't form a coherent response as Klaus came to stand behind his wife with an arrogant expression on his handsome face, shirt still on the floor and a bite mark prominently displayed on his throat. "Perks of marrying a sex toy designer."

"Speaking of sex toys." Caroline frowned as she bent down and picked up her prototype. She turned the dildo over in her hand a few times, eyeing flecks of dark red with distaste. "You got blood on Klaus' cock."

"What?" Kol's good eye nearly bulged out of his head as his jaw dropped. "You mean that's… It's…" He looked between the two as he held the ice up to his cotton-packed nose. "You're joking."

"Not at all," Klaus countered proudly. "It's the husband model. Guaranteed to get the job done. Isn't that right, sweetheart?"

"Twice," the blonde replied with a mischievous grin, leaning against his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her lower back.

Leaning over, the artist whispered conspiratorially in her ear, "I counted three."

Kol pointed his finger at his open mouth as he made a gagging gesture. "You two are disgusting."

"I'm a successful entrepreneur and you're an irritating little shit with one eye. Want to go for the other?" At the threatening way Caroline waved the dildo at him, the younger Mikaelson clamped his lips tightly together. "Silence. Good call. I suggest you keep your mouth shut and your hands off my merchandise." A bright smile split her cheeks in two as she added cheerily, "Unless you want all of your dates to know exactly how you got that black eye."

Kol's jaw dropped in horror; he gulped warily. "You wouldn't."

"Honey, you're in the Sunshine State," Caroline reminded him with a sickly sweet smile as she gestured at the sliding glass doors leading out to the beach. "We live for this kind of headline. 'Florida Man breaks face on brother's cock.' News at eleven." Crossing her arms over her chest, she looked at him expectantly as he stared at her in disbelief from one puffy eye, ice clutched to his nose as a string dangled from one nostril. "Well?" she asked with a raised brow, tapping her foot against the hardwood.

Kol had always been the family prankster. Conceding defeat wasn't an easy thing to do. But as he stood there with a tampon up his nose and breast shaped ice cubes pressed to his face from a dildo-related injury, he knew that he was beat. "No more tricks," he promised solemnly, hanging his head in shame. "No more dildos in the freezer or butt plugs with the cutlery or vibrators in the oven."

Caroline's sapphire eyes widened as the smile fell off her face. Spinning on her heel, she rushed to the oven and yanked the door down so fast the hinges creaked. Happy pink and yellow butterfly and rabbit vibrators were lined up neatly on both racks and the bottom along the heating coil, their artful yet hygienic packaging nowhere in sight. The only thing louder than her furious shriek was Kol's maniacal laughter as he sprinted up the stairs and out of reach of blondes with bone-breaking dildos. With a feral growl, she grabbed the toys one by one and slammed them down on the counter, internally debating whether or not they could be sterilized and repackaged.

Klaus waited patiently as his wife pulled herself together and the foaming at her mouth subsided. Once she was calmed down, he pulled his phone from his front pocket and began tapping away. "What are you doing?" she demanded haughtily, one hand on her hip as he held the phone to his ear. "That's a thousand dollars worth of merchandise. Who could you possibly need to call right now?"

Holding up one finger to his lip, he grinned wickedly as the line connected. "Yes, channel four? My name is Klaus Mikaelson and I'm married to the owner of Sunshine Erotic Boutique. Have I got a headline for you…"