And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

~ Taylor Swift, cardigan

AGE 19

My house was silent as I walked in the front door, my parents and sister already asleep in their respective rooms. I could hardly blame them as I saw the microwave flashing the time at me, but I couldn't help but feel a bubble of sadness pop in my chest at the quiet.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and headed into the living room. Sitting on the couch, I plucked off my heels and tucked my legs underneath me. I quickly chugged half of the water as I stared at the sparkling golden statue on the coffee table in front of me.

ACADEMY AWARD TO

ISABELLA SWAN

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Seven hours ago night I won an Academy Award. Last night, the best people in the film industry had decided that my performance was better than those of women who had been doing this for longer than I had been alive.

It was a stroke to the ego I had been growing since I was sixteen, but it was also more of a slap in the face than I would have imagined. Because I had no fucking idea where I went from here.

What do you do when you reach your peak at nineteen?

I had pushed myself to the brink, over the brink, since I was sixteen to get to this moment. All I had wanted since the first time I stepped foot on a film set was to be told I was good enough to be there. Now, I had nearly irrefutable evidence that I was.

I should be happier. That high I had an hour ago as I stood in a room full of people who were smiling in my direction and congratulating me shouldn't have faded so fast.

Kate showed up an hour later, a garment bag thrown over her shoulder to get me ready for a round of morning press.

"Did you sleep at all?"

"No," I shrugged, still curled up in my spot on the couch.

She plopped herself down on the couch beside me. "You're going to regret that, but I suppose becoming the youngest woman to win the Oscar for Actress in a Leading Role is a good excuse to pull an all-nighter."

I didn't tell her about the melancholy that tainted my night as I got home.

Kate sighed beside me. "What are you brooding about?"

My brows furrowed. "I'm not brooding."

Kate eyed me, knowing me all too well.

"I'm fine," I said eventually. It was only a half-lie. "Just tired."

Kate pulled me up from the couch and began listing the countless interviews I had lined up for the rest of the day. I smiled through it, because as I eyed that little golden statue one more time I realized the solution to my problem.

More.

One of those accolades wasn't enough to hold my parents attention, to satiate that desire for approval that had ingrained itself in my chest in the last three years.

The only solution was more.

A/N: friendly reminder that I'll be posting these flashbacks the day before the full chapters - so chapter 4 will be up tomorrow