CW: Sex Ed and the type of topics that come up during such a talk
Harry startled slightly when Hermione nudged him invisibly, slipping him a piece of parchment.
"Not that I think you'll need these," she whispered, "but just in case."
Harry grinned.
"I'll sit in the back so you can sit nearby," he told her quietly. "I'll try to laugh really loud or cough to cover any noises you make."
As the boys entered the classroom, Professor Flitwick stood at the front of the room on a small stool, beaming at them, while Snape stood there forbiddingly, looming in his black robes with his arms tightly folded and his eyes sharp.
"This is going to be brilliant," Ron said, grinning at Harry. "Glad they separated the girls out, yeah? Wouldn't want to ask about my todger in front of them."
"Come in, come in!" Flitwick bid the boys as the entered. The boys didn't have cushions on the floor to sit on, but they were instructed to sit on the floor nonetheless. "Go ahead and take a seat and settle down. We have a lot to cover today!"
Hermione barely managed to withhold a snicker.
When Flitwick announced the topic of the day, there were whistles and laughs from the boys, which Snape silenced immediately with a sharp gesture.
"There is to be no funny business," he told them, scowling. "These are important topics, and Hogwarts and the Board of Governors believe you to be mature enough to handle them now."
His tone clearly belied that he did not agree with the Board of Governors on this. Hermione privately wondered how long the 'no funny business' would last.
Flitwick started off cheerfully by discussing puberty, explaining what changes witches and wizards experienced in their bodies when growing up. He produced a diagram of male genitals, using a pointer to label different parts and describe their functions, and Hermione was abjectly fascinated. She'd known what a penis was, but she'd never seen such a vivid diagram of one and its inner workings before.
Relationships were gone over quickly, as was personal skills and dating, as well as sexual orientation. Hermione was surprised at that rapid pace at which they were covering material – at this rate, they'd finish in under an hour, and the boys' lecture had still been going on when the girls' had let out. Flitwick explained to the boys that sex was highly discouraged at Hogwarts, informing them of the rules that prevented it.
"Students caught engaged in sexual acts in public places face severe punishment and consequences!" he warned them. "All pathways to girls' dormitories are strictly forbidden to boys! You will either not be able to walk down them, or the stairs will turn into a slide and you will slide down!"
The Ravenclaw boys seemed to snicker at this, as had the Ravenclaw girls. Hermione wondered if stair-sliding was somewhat of a game in their tower lately.
When the time came for Sexual Health, Snape was the one who stepped forward to speak.
"There are a multitude of terrible things that can happen to you if you have sex irresponsibly," he said, eyes glittering. "Pay attention."
While the girls' lesson had consisted of two STDs, the boys' list encompassed much more than that. He covered the Muladhara Seal first, pausing for him and Flitwick to enchant all the boys with the protection spell the girls had gotten, before moving on to ones Hermione hadn't heard of.
"Hag's Heat," he told them, "can be caught when having intercourse with a hag."
"What happens?" Dean Thomas asked.
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Your penis develops a fever and begins to burn," he informed him, "and you will need to seek medical attention within three hours if you don't want it permanently damaged."
There were others, he told them, that women could 'carry' without knowing, that could latch onto a man's magic, but only if certain conditions were met.
"The most common of these is Wedlock Withering," Snape informed them. "If a man is married, and he strays from his wife and has intercourse with another woman, he can catch Wedlock Withering, which will cause his genitals to shrink and wither away." His eyes glinted. "The only cure is admitting to his wife what he has done and with whom, and then her taking his withered genitals into her mouth willingly to restore them. If she does not, they will stay withered until she does."
Snape seemed to take sadistic joy in telling the boys what all they could catch if they were not careful.
"You should never, ever have sex with a person by force," he said, eyes flashing. "It is illegal. You will be charged and thrown in Azkaban. If you do it anyway, and you hope to get away with it, you can catch Rape's Revenge."
Rape's Revenge was a condition that was caused by a witch's magic lashing out at her rapist in a desperate attempt at survival. It would ensure the rapist, once he reached completion, would collapse in exhaustion, giving the witch time to escape. After that, though, the magical backlash would continue to eat its way through the man's system, causing him to gradually grow sicker and sicker and more frail.
"It is believed that this is because the magical backlash occurs borne of the the victim's desperation in wanting such an act to not happen," Snape said, eyes sharp on them all. "If a man is frail and dying, he cannot rape anyone, now, can he?"
Snape reluctantly admitted that there was medical treatment available for men suffering from such a condition, but that many Healers would secretly withhold treatment until the man admitted to who he had raped on the legal record.
"More women than men go into Healing," Snape told them all. His eyes glittered. "Be careful in whom you confide; your Healer, despite their oath, may not have your best interests at heart."
There were a bunch of others, most of which were triggered by a guy doing something he shouldn't be or having sex with someone he shouldn't. There were conditions you could catch from infidelity, ones from having sex while pretending to be someone else, and ones from penetrating a person who was betrothed to another. By the time he finally got to Crotch Rot, Hermione felt exhausted. The boys really did have a lot more to worry about… though, if they didn't do anything they shouldn't do, they didn't really have much cause to be worried, it seemed.
For the Love Potion section, Snape impressed that Love Potions were strictly forbidden at Hogwarts, with no exceptions. He explained that outside Hogwarts, they were largely illegal, and that if someone was caught dosing another person with a love potion, the sentences were harsh and unforgiving.
"The love potion you are more likely to experience is a witch dosing herself with a fertility-enhancing love potion," he informed them. "Becoming pregnant with a man's child is a time-honored way of snatching him up from the marriage pool. As such, you should be sure to cast a contraceptive charm every time."
Snape handed out sheets on Love Potions, the same ones the girls had received, while Flitwick handed out ampules of Love Potion Antidote. Snape explained that the antidote was universal for all currently-known love potions, which Hermione found interesting to learn - all love potions were begun off of the same base, it seemed, and the antidote targeted and counteracted that base.
"This will not counteract fertility potions," he warned them. "It will only neutralize love potions that affect emotions, not your physical virility."
Flitwick then cheerfully taught all the boys the male contraceptive charm. The boys' charm was much simpler – 'Occiditis Semine' with a wand circle around the testicles – and Hermione found herself vaguely resentful that their spell should be so easy.
Flitwick gave a very general coverage of gender roles and sexuality in society, and then the boys were dismissed for a break.
"When you return, we will do question and answer," Flitwick told them, smiling, and Hermione could practically see Snape's exasperation and dread wafting off of him. "Think of what questions you have that you want to ask!"
Hermione managed to dart off to the girl's room while the boys went to their loo. She could hear the girls' lecture still going through the door – they were going over good decision making and what to look for in a partner still.
When she returned, sneaking back in under the Invisibility Cloak, Professor Flitwick was beaming at them, and Snape looked very much like he would rather be dead. He had taken a seat on a stool of his own at the front of the classroom, glowering out over the students.
"Now, we'll do question and answer!" Flitwick told them cheerfully. "This part usually takes the longest, but we ask that you be honest! This is the time to get all of your questions answered, so don't be shy. Remember, there are no stupid questions!"
Snape snorted loudly, which Flitwick ignored.
Hermione quickly found herself empathizing with Snape; Flitwick's statement was immediately disproven upon the first question.
"Can a witch get pregnant if you have sex under the full moon?" Wayne Hopkins asked. "And if she does, will the baby be a werewolf?"
Hermione couldn't believe the earnestness he was asking with.
In an effort to stave off stupid questions, it seemed, the boys were not given a question box to ask questions from anonymously. They instead had to hold their hand up, waiting to be called on. To Hermione's surprise, this stopped very few of the boys from boldly asking their questions, no matter how ridiculous, embarrassing, or stupid they were.
"Can boobs pop?" Justin Finch-Fletchley wanted to know. "Like, if they're big, and you squeeze them too hard?"
"They cannot," Flitwick reassured him. "Though if you're too rough, you might hurt the witch, so be careful!"
"Does squatting and sneezing after sex keep the girl from getting pregnant?" Ernie Macmillan asked. "Like, wouldn't they just kind of push all of the semen out?"
"A girl can still get pregnant," Flitwick advised him. "It's always best to do the contraceptive spell to be sure!"
"Do Muggleborns grow a condom?" Zacharias Smith asked.
Flitwick blinked. "…I beg your pardon?"
"I heard that muggles grow a condom because they can't do contraception spells," Zacharias said. "Do Muggleborns grow one too?"
Flitwick looked at Snape helplessly, who snarled but began explaining muggle contraception methods, emphasizing that no, condoms were not grown.
It became apparent to Hermione that Professor Flitwick had little to no experience with sex in a practical sense. He knew all the biology and theory, to be sure, but for practical matters, he seemed helplessly out of his depth. Hermione wondered if that was because he just had no interest in sex, or if he had difficulty finding a partner. She imagined it might be a combination of both.
This, however, left Snape to answer most of the questions. It was very clear Snape did not want to answer these questions, but he dutifully answered every single one asked, no matter how ridiculous.
"Can you go blind from masturbation?" Terry Boot asked.
"What's masturbation?" Ernie Macmillan asked a moment later, which resulted in a groan from Snape as Flitwick launched into an explanation about self-pleasure and how it was best accomplished.
Hermione couldn't believe some of the questions the boys asked. The girls had asked about menstrual blood and their safety from Dark rituals; Seamus Finnegan wanted to know if he could screw a mermaid, which launched a whole new line of inquiry from the boys. Hermione wasn't sure how many were genuine inquiries, but the barely-suppressed smirks Harry and Ron wore as they raised their hands clued her in that at least not all of the ridiculous questions were being asked in good faith - though as for how many were, she was unsure, as they poured out their queries eagerly.
"Is it bestiality if she's an Animagus?"
"It is bestiality if I'm an Animagus?"
"Can animals consent to sex with me if I'm an Animagus?"
"Can a werewolf consent to sex while shifted?"
"What happens if a witch has sex with a centaur?"
"How did Hagrid even happen?"
Neville Longbottom asked one of the most embarrassing, in Hermione's opinion, though she was fairly sure it came from a place of genuine academic inquiry.
"What is having sex with plants called?" Neville asked. "Sex with animals is 'bestiality', so what's it called when you do it with plants?"
Hermione had never seen Flitwick's eyes quite so wide or Snape look quite so horrified.
After a long pause, Flitwick finally advised the boys that in any cases where consent was uncertain, to not have sex, which meant never having sex with an animal, regardless of Animagus or werewolf status. He ignored the other questions, but the boys didn't seem to notice or mind.
Pity, Hermione thought. She was curious herself about the circumstances of how Hagrid came to be.
Questions about sex itself came shortly thereafter. There were such joys as "Can you put one guy's penis tip inside another guy's penis tip?", "What happens when you have ear sex?", "Do you breathe when having sex?", and "Can you have sex with clothes on?". Hermione watched on as Snape answered every single one, though he grit his teeth and seemed loath to do so. It was very funny to watch, as Snape struggled to contain his frustration the expressions flitting across his face, and Hermione had to bite her lip to stifle her giggles.
"Can you get pregnant in the butt?" Crabbe wanted to know.
"No," Snape snapped.
"Can boys get pregnant?" Michael Corner asked. "Like, with magic?"
"No." Snape's answer was curt. "Short of very Dark rituals, which could possibly do horrifying things to a wizard's insides, no, they cannot."
"What does sex smell like?" Terry Boot wanted to know.
Snape groaned.
Hermione was surprised to see some of the Slytherin boys begin asking questions, ones she'd never thought they'd admit to wanting to know in public.
"If a girl is pregnant, she doesn't get her cycle anymore, right?" Draco said. "Does the baby feed off of the blood instead?"
"Can a wizard drink a witch's breast milk?" Blaise asked. "Is that safe?"
"If I sleep with a pregnant witch, can I get the baby pregnant?" Theo asked, completely seriously. "Like, if the baby was also a witch."
Snape was aghast. "No. Absolutely not."
"Remember, a witch can't get pregnant until she's gone through puberty!" Flitwick chimed in helpfully. "Which would be many years off from a baby still growing in the womb!"
"If a witch is pregnant and you're having sex with her," Draco asked, "can you dent the baby's head?"
Hermione couldn't believe her ears.
"Does sex hurt?" Blaise asked. "I heard that it can hurt for the girl."
"It shouldn't," Flitwick assured him. "So long as your partner is properly prepared and lubricated and you're careful, sex should be enjoyable for both parties!"
"If a girl loses her egg during her cycle," Draco asked, "can you just keep the egg that comes out and wash it off to raise into a baby later?"
Hermione had to bite down hard on her robes to stop from laughing as Snape was forced to explain about the size of eggs and ovaries to Draco. Harry and Ron had no such reservations and snickered loudly.
"If menstruation is so unpleasant," Theo wanted to know, "why don't girls just push it all out at once instead of waiting for it to fall out over seven days?"
Hermione was becoming more and more convinced that the class had been separated by gender not for the specificity of the lectures, but to spare the boys the humiliation of their female classmates hearing the ridiculous things they were asking.
"A lesbian is a girl who fancies other girls?" Ron asked, face scrunched up.
"Yes," Professor Flitwick confirmed.
"Thought lesbian was a type of spider," Ron muttered to Harry. "Who knew?"
"Does only one person lose their virginity if you bugger the other one?" Dean Thomas asked.
Snape paused. "No. Penetration violates virginity by definition." He rolled his eyes. "Though, again, virginity is a social construct and not a real thing."
"How do you get a wand out of your arse?" Seamus Finnegan asked.
"Don't put it up there in the first place!" Snape snarled.
Seamus recoiled at Snape's glare as Flitwick began giving a more diplomatic answer, though his face was crimson as he did.
Questions came back around to sex itself. Some of the questions Hermione was expecting to hear, but some she was surprised to hear asked.
"How do I make my penis bigger?" one of the Hufflepuff boys wanted to know. "Does Engorgio work?"
"No! The Engorgement Charm is not safe to use on any body parts!" Flitwick squeaked, horrified. "You could get seriously hurt!"
"So it's not safe for a girl to use on her rack, either?" Justin Finch-Fletchney asked. "Sorry, sir – on her chest, I mean?"
"Are there spells to make a girl orgasm?" Blaise Zabini asked. His voice was perfectly even.
"Not legal ones," Snape said flatly. "You'll have to work for it."
"If someone ingests Veritaserum before sex, can they fake an orgasm?" Blaise asked as a follow-up. "Can you tell if they're faking it with Legilimency?"
Snape stared at Blaise for a long moment. Hermione wondered if he knew the answer.
"Veritaserum forces a person to answer questions truthfully," Snape said finally. "So if you asked your partner if they had an orgasm, they would be unable to lie. However, Veritaserum is highly regulated, and should not be used for such frivolous purposes."
"What about Legilimency?" Blaise asked. "Can you tell then?"
Draco said something to Blaise, who elbowed him back.
Snape sighed.
"Yes," he said finally. "You can." He rolled his eyes. "Again, however, please be aware that Legilimency is a highly-restricted art."
The questions continued, Snape's patience growing visibly shorter as time went on, Flitwick looking worried as questions devolved from earnest to baiting. Flitwick and Snape had to know as well as Hermione did that questions like "Can two boys swap penises with Switching Spells?" and "What sex position, in your experience, sir, is the best?" were not being asked out of genuine curiosity and inquiry, though Snape's reaction was funny to see.
When Harry raised his hand to ask, "What would happen if a vampire and a werewolf had a baby?", Snape finally snapped.
"This lecture is over," he snarled, Banishing the chalkboard with a violent gesture and a BANG. "Get to dinner. Now."
The doors flew open, and the students, all-too-experienced with Snape's nasty temperament, fled the room, laughing.
Hermione saw Flitwick seemingly to try to comfort or console Snape at the front of the room, but Snape was having none of it, it seemed. Once she ducked out of the classroom and managed to mingle into the crowd, she pulled off the Invisibility Cloak in an alcove and joined the group again, shoving it into Harry's hands. Harry grinned at her and stuffed it in his bag.
"Interesting lecture, wasn't it?" His eyes were dancing. "Very informative."
Hermione snorted. "If you say so."
Tracey and Millie were waiting for her when she joined them at dinner.
"Where did you go?" Tracey demanded. "You said you'd only be a moment or two!"
"I had to use the loo." Hermione winced. "Sorry. I thought it would just take a moment."
Blaise, Theo, Draco, and the other boys joined the table a moment later. They all took their seats with great decorum, being careful to appear unruffled and unflustered. The girls all exchanged looks with each other, sly grins spreading as they looked at the boys.
"Good lecture?" Daphne asked, her voice perfectly normal and polite.
The boys glanced at each other.
"It was informative," Draco said.
"Very informative," Blaise agreed.
"We learned some things we hadn't known," Theo said, nodding. His voice was formal. "The topic was a bit embarrassing, sure, but it's better to know and be well-informed about these things ahead of time."
"Oh really?" Millie asked. "What's something you learned?"
"Well, I didn't know the finer points of a girl's cycle," Draco said, doing his best to keep his voice perfectly even. "Even though it doesn't directly pertain to me, it's good to know for future—"
"Girls' boobs don't pop if you squeeze them hard," Goyle announced. "And you can't get pregnant in the butt."
There was a stunned silence at this pronouncement.
"I asked," Crabbe confirmed, nodding. "You can't have sex in the ear, either."
The Slytherin girls dissolved into hysterical laughter, while the boys' faces steadily grew red.
"Way to make things awkward for the whole table, Goyle," Draco said, elbowing him sharply and giving him a dirty look. "They didn't need to know about your stupid questions."
"Very stupid questions," Hermione agreed solemnly. "Not insightful questions like if a baby drinks a witch's menstrual blood while gestating, or if having sex with a pregnant witch can dent the baby's head."
Draco leveled a horrified look at her while the other girls laughed uproariously. Hermione grinned sheepishly, belatedly realizing she should have no way of knowing anything that was asked in the boys' lecture. Draco's face flamed and he glared at her, before glaring down at his plate.
"Fucking Potter," he muttered, stabbing his lamb, and Hermione felt a wave of relief at his presumption, though she was still struggling not to laugh.