*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.

*Author's Notes: Thanks so very much to those of you still reading this story. I hope you like the new chapter.

Chapter 12 – The Blame Game

By the time she pushed her way through the turnstiles leading to the lair, April wondered what was going to give out first: the thin grocery bag she was lugging around or her arms.

Before sneaking down into the sewers to visit her terrapin friends, April had stopped at a local market to pick up a few provisions. Those few provisions now felt as though they weighed at least ten times more than when she had left the shop.

Fortunately, the kitchen was finally in sight.

Her friends, however, were nowhere to be seen.

As soon as she stepped foot inside the lair, the petite redhead couldn't help but notice there was no one there to welcome her or offer to help with the groceries. The only thing that greeted her was the leaden sense of despair hanging over the old, abandoned subway station, just as it had been the past week.

Ever since they had lost Donnie...

April's huge, blue eyes threatened to flood with tears once again at the mere thought of her missing friend.

She still remembered the looks on all their faces when they'd told her Donatello had been kidnapped by the very same monster that had hurt them all so badly just a few weeks before. As they had broken the gut-wrenching news, Leonardo had fought tooth and nail not to cry while sloppy tears had spilled down poor Mikey's cheeks. But as hard as it had been to watch the youngest and oldest brothers' reactions, Raphael's had been the most painful to witness by far. April had never seen the hotheaded turtle look so devastated and utterly lost. His sorrowful eyes had remained fixed on his trembling, clenched hands the whole time.

Heart aching with grief, April let out a shuddered breath.

It had been an awful week. Each night the brothers came home without Donnie was just another day that turned into the worst one ever. April had been trying to help the family out as much as she could, including searching for clues during the day when the brothers couldn't go topside. She had even tried to tag along with them at night, but Leo refused to let her go with. He had claimed it was because Donnie wouldn't want them to put her in any unnecessary danger, but she knew that wasn't the real reason.

If what the brothers had told April of 'Slash' was true, common sense told her the longer it took to find Donatello, the worse condition he would be in, both physically and mentally. A chilling truth that Leonardo was also well aware of. Hence, the reason he was trying to protect her.

A part of April resented the fact that she was being treated like some fragile little girl, while another part of her realized that Leo was right to protect her.

She was already struggling to cope with her dad's mutation, and now, this?

It was all too much to bear…

Gnawing on her bottom lip that was already starting to quiver, the teenage girl stopped her forward momentum to stare over at Donatello's lab.

Of the four turtles, April was unquestionably the closest to Donnie, although this hadn't always been the case. His instant crush on her had made it rather awkward to be around him at first, but after getting to know the smartest brother, a tight bond had soon developed between them. She had grown to love Donnie, in a strictly platonic way, of course. She would even go so far as to say he was the best friend she had ever had.

Donnie was brilliant, gentle, witty, and kind to a fault. Always willing to help her, whether it was assisting her with her homework, fixing her laptop, or trying to find a cure for her father. And then, there was the fact that the genius turtle had saved her life who knows how many times now. She had long lost count.

Ever since he had saved her from Karai and that freaky Kraang robot thing Mikey had dubbed 'Chrome Dome,' April and Donnie had grown far closer than before.

Maybe that's because she finally realized just how much she needed him…

Even after her father's mutation, when she had looked Donnie right in those tragic, brown eyes of his and told the brothers she never wanted to see them again, the purple-masked ninja never quit watching over her. She had cruelly shunned him for weeks, yet the second she called him for help, he rushed to her side and risked his life to save her. She had hurt him so very badly, and still, he had been there for her.

Donnie was always there for her.

Up until now...

April's breath caught in her throat as she continued to gaze at Donatello's laboratory. Feeling the already feeble hold on her poise wavering like a flame in a windstorm, she pulled her glistening eyes away from where Donatello should have been and fixed her stare on the kitchen. Quickening her pace as she went, April walked as though she couldn't get away from the lab fast enough.

She paused just before passing through the curtains that separated the kitchen from the rest of the lair, taking a moment to put on a brave front for the family.

They were going through enough as it was. She didn't want to show any signs of nearly breaking down. It would only add to their misery.

As soon as April entered the room, she found the two eldest turtles perched on bar stools. Both brothers appeared to be lost in thought, staring off into space. Leo was stooped over in his seat while Raph had his elbows leaning on top of the kitchen island and his chin rested in his cupped hands, as though he didn't have the strength to hold his own head up without the added assistance.

Neither one of the siblings budged an inch at the sound of April's approach.

"Hey, guys. Did you eat supper yet? I brought some snacks and frozen pizzas if you're hungry." The redhead's tone was lacking its usual cheer as she spoke. Somehow, it didn't seem appropriate to sound anything but gloomy given the circumstances.

While she awaited an answer, April set the grocery bag down on the concrete island in the center of the kitchen to give her arms a much-needed break. When she started to pull the various items out of the bag, Leo pushed himself up off his seat and instinctively went to help.

"Thanks, April. You didn't have to do this." There was no show of emotion in Leonardo's voice or on his face as he opened the refrigerator door and started placing the cold grocery items inside. It was like he was running on autopilot, just going through the motions.

"I know, but I wanted to." April followed her whisper-soft response with a halfhearted smile, and then, turned to preheat the oven.

The silence that had filled the room before she had stepped inside the kitchen was back again and it made her gut instantly start to clench.

The past few days, April had done a majority of the talking whenever she was around the family. She was beginning to wonder if anyone in the lair spoke at all when she wasn't there. Even Mikey had been unusually quiet.

Just the thought of Mikey had April suddenly worrying over the youngest brother's whereabouts. Yes, she had noticed their father was missing as well, but ever since Donatello's abduction, Master Splinter had been in his room meditating every time April had come over, so she had come to expect his absence. Michelangelo's absence, however, was rather surprising. It wasn't like the youngest turtle to be away from his brothers for too long. Especially not when they were in crisis mode. That was typically the time when the baby of the family got the clingiest.

"So, where's Mikey?"

A long pause followed April's question, as though neither Leo nor Raph wanted to answer, but eventually it was the older turtle who spoke up.

"He... He's in Donnie's room." These words had not come easy; that much was evident. After choking them out, Leonardo sat back down on the stool he had just vacated, like his legs were about to give way.

The unnerving silence returned, but this time, it was Raphael who broke it.

"I – I'd better go check on him." Raph leapt up off his bar stool as though he had just been waiting for an excuse to leave the room. If April didn't know any better, she would've sworn that the red-clad turtle was trying to get away from her, which made her feel about two inches tall.

"Raph, I… I didn't mean that you had to go and check on him. Why don't you let me do it, so you can eat?" As she motioned for the hotheaded brother to sit back down, April's huge eyes practically begged him to stay.

"It's okay, April. I'm not feeling all that hungry anyway." Though Raph's voice came out detached, there was pain hidden in the seemingly impassive tone. He then rushed out of the kitchen so as to avoid anyone trying to convince him to change his mind. Not that they would've been able to anyway...

"I am so sorry, Leo. I wasn't trying to upset him. Honest." The palpable regret in April's apology made Leonardo's empty stomach turn.

For some reason, seeing April so visibly upset just made Leo miss Donatello all the more. He knew how much his genius brother cared for April. If Donnie would've seen her hurting like this, he would've dropped everything he was doing and immediately tried to comfort her. He was absolutely crazy about April. He had been from the moment he had first laid eyes upon her. His face would light up whenever she was around. Maybe that's why Leo was having such a tough time looking at her right now. And maybe that's why Raph had been trying his best to avoid April the past few days.

Being around her brought up too many memories...

Of course, Leo wasn't about to tell April that just her being there was making it harder on everyone. He knew she was only trying to help.

"It's not your fault, April. Raph's having a tough time being around any of us right now. I think... I think he's just worried that everyone blames him for what happened." The words were spoken in a weary voice that seemed to grow quieter with each passing syllable. Leaning forward, Leonardo folded his arms on the kitchen island and rested his head on his wrists.

"So... do you blame him?" It was a question April had been meaning to ask Leo from the time she had found out why Donnie had left the lair that night. She'd just never had the opportunity to pose it until now. This was the first time she and Leo had been alone together since the abduction.

"Wh – What?" Leo coughed out the word as though it had gotten stuck in his throat. He was suddenly sitting in a bolt upright position, peering over at April with a 'deer in the headlights' look.

"Do you blame Raph for what happened?" Despite the slight rewording of the question, the meaning stayed the same. It was still just as shocking to hear the second time.

Casting his gaze away from April, Leo stared down at his hands, which were balled up into tight fists.

The truth was, Leonardo had asked himself that exact question, over and over again, and the answer was always the same. What difference did it make? He could blame Raphael all he wanted for what had happened. The harsh reality remained: it wouldn't bring Donnie back.

"Even if I told you I did, does it really matter?" There was coldness in Leo's tone that April hadn't expected, but she understood the reasoning behind it. She had been wrong to ask such a personal question at a time like this. As unpleasant as Leo's answer had been, she totally deserved it.

"No... I guess not." Rubbing a hand up and down her forearm in a vain effort to comfort herself, April now took her turn at avoiding eye contact.

"I – I'm sorry, April, but I just remembered there's... something I really need to do before we go out searching for – " Leonardo stopped himself just before he uttered his missing brother's name, certain that if he did say it, he'd lose his composure right there and then.

It wasn't like April didn't already know who the leader had been referring to anyway…

Pushing himself up off his stool, much the same way as Raphael had just a little while ago, Leonardo started towards the exit.

"Leo... " Lungs feeling as though they were closing in on her, April could only gasp out her friend's name.

"I, um… I have to go, April. Thanks for bringing supper." The word 'supper' had no sooner left Leonardo's lips when he was already hightailing it out of the kitchen like the lair was under attack.

Not at all thrilled with how the conversation had gone, April let loose a long, exasperated sigh and dragged her hands down her face. In a matter of minutes, she had managed to drive both of the oldest brothers away.

The oven sounded off to signal that it was preheated, but there was no sense in cooking the pizzas now.

That was okay with April.

Suddenly, she wasn't feeling all that hungry, either.

Sucking in a deep breath and holding it for a good twenty seconds, Raphael pushed open the door to his missing brother's room and silently entered. It was the first time the red-clad turtle had actually stepped foot inside the room since Donatello had been taken away from them. That's not to say that Raph hadn't thought about it hundreds of times. Whenever he passed by his genius brother's bedroom on the way to his own room, he couldn't stop his eyes from gravitating towards Donnie's door. A few times, the hotheaded turtle had even walked up to the bedroom and pressed a hand against the outside of it, as if it might somehow make him feel more connected to his brother. But he just couldn't bring himself to actually enter the room.

At least, not until now…

Once Raphael was inside the bedroom, he had no trouble locating Michelangelo. Despite being a highly trained ninja, the youngest turtle had never been all that great at making his presence unknown. Being the center of attention was more his thing.

Mikey was sitting on top of Donnie's bed with his legs crossed in front of him; his waterlogged gaze glued to the T-phone tightly clutched in his left hand.

Raph didn't need three guesses to figure whose phone it was.

"Hey, Mikey." Quietly making his way across the room, the larger turtle sank down onto the end of the bed, a few feet away from where Mikey was situated. The distance the red-masked turtle kept between them had been completely intentional. A part of him didn't feel as though he had a right to sit any closer to his hurting baby brother.

After all, Raphael was the reason for that hurt.

"Hey, Raph." Mikey's response came out as a heavy sigh rather than in a voice like he had meant it to. His eyes remained fixed on the phone.

As he looked over at his little brother, Raphael caught a glimpse of the image Slash had left for them on Donnie's T-phone. It immediately made the temperamental turtle want seize the device and break it into a million little pieces, but he somehow managed to keep his anger in check.

"Mikey, I don't think it's such a good idea to be looking at that picture." Raph reached out and gently placed a hand over the screen of Donnie's phone to conceal the disturbing image underneath his palm. Unfortunately, the old saying 'out of sight, out of mind' didn't apply in this instance. The turtle in red could still see a mental picture of his injured and unconscious brother wearing that horrible collar Slash had placed on him.

Slash…

Raph wondered how something he had once cared about so much could've turned into something he now hated more than anything.

When the temperamental turtle finally found Slash, he was going crush every bone in his body. He would not show that monster a shred of mercy.

The sound of Mikey speaking pulled Raph out of his dark thoughts.

"I know this is gonna sound totally dumb, but I've called his phone like a hundred times just to hear his voice." Eyes brimming with tears, Mikey continued to stare down at the device now covered by his older brother's hand. The orange-clad ninja didn't understand what had possessed him to look at that awful image again when all it did was break his heart. His best guess was that he felt a compelling need to look at the picture because it was the last image they had of Donnie. It was his messed-up way of desperately hanging onto his missing brother, just like calling the genius turtle's T-phone, over and over again.

Seeing that Mikey's gaze was still fixated on the phone, Raph was quick to pull the device out of his little brother's rather rigid grip and tuck it under his leg. Judging by Mikey's red, puffy eyes, he had stared at that picture long enough.

"That isn't dumb, Mikey," Raph said of his baby brother's admission. He recognized Mikey's actions as an obvious coping mechanism, and the way Raphael saw it, anything that could help his little brother get through these trying times certainly wasn't dumb.

The words weren't coming easily for either brother, so they didn't speak for several minutes.

Silence was a habit Mikey had only recently picked up. Before Donnie had been taken away from them, Mikey had been absolutely lousy at keeping quiet, but now, he found it was far less complicated than talking. In fact, it was starting to become the new normal. Hence the reason this was the first verbal exchange he and Raph had had all day.

The youngest turtle drew his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms securely around his shins, pulling his legs as close as possible. It was a futile attempt to console himself.

"What are you thinking about, Mikey?" Though Raphael already knew the answer to his question, he posed it, nonetheless. In an unexpected breach of character, he was actually trying to get his little brother to say something.

A long pause for deliberation transpired before Mikey finally responded in an eerily soft voice.

"Do you remember the day of Spike's transformation? When you thought I'd snuck into your room and borrowed your 'Green With Envy' comic book?"

"Yeah." Truth be told, Raphael really didn't want to be reminded of, either, his brother sneaking into his room to steal his stuff or of Spike's transformation, but he pretended as though the question hadn't bothered him. The last thing his baby brother needed right now was for the hothead to show his bitter side.

"Well, that wasn't the only thing I borrowed from you room." Unable to look his older brother in the eyes, Mikey stared down at the bed and started to unintentionally rock back and forth.

"Are you talking about getting pizza stains on my 'Modern Ninja' magazines collection, because I don't – " Raph started, but was soon cut off.

"NO!" The bark in the youngest turtle's tone surprised not only Raph, but Mikey himself.

For a long moment, there was silence, but Michelangelo eventually found his voice again. A voice that was tentative and frail. Nothing at all like it was supposed to sound.

"I took Spike out of your room and I… I lost him."

"You what?!"

"I, uh… I just wanted to play with him for a while, you know? So, I brought him into my room, and somehow, I wound up losing him.

"Donnie... He tried to help me find him… to stop you from cracking my shell." While Mikey made his confession, the material of his orange mask started to darken, visibly soaking up the falling tears.

"Why are you telling me this now, Mikey?" Though Raph managed to keep any trace of anger out of his voice, his youngest brother's revelation was making it harder and harder to control his temper. He didn't understand why Mikey would come clean about this four weeks after it had happened.

"Because... because I could've stopped this, Raph." Resting his head atop his bent legs, Mikey let his knee pads collect the moisture dripping from his eyes.

"How do you figure that?" The rage that had been brewing within Raphael withered away when he heard the pain in his baby brother's voice.

Though sadness was bearing down on him like the heaviest of weights, Mikey forced himself to lift his head up and look Raph straight in the eyes.

"If I would've just told you the truth, like I should have… you would've been so mad at me, you… you would've pummeled me into the ground and probably left the lair for the rest of the day. You wouldn't have been there when Donnie's experiment went all crazy! And Spike… Well, he wouldn't have been in the pit, so you wouldn't have gotten mad when Donnie almost killed him! And you wouldn't have taken that can of mutagen from Donnie! None of this would've ever happened!" Mikey's voice grew in volume with each word that he spoke until he was practically shouting at his older brother. The younger sibling was so upset, he wasn't even aware he'd raised his voice.

"Mikey, this isn't your fault!" Grabbing his baby brother by the shoulders, Raphael gave him a good shake to try to snap him out of his slightly crazed behavior.

No such luck…

"Yes! It is! I could've stopped this whole thing if I would've really lost Spike that day! Then, he couldn't have hurt us. I wish... I wish I would've lost him in the sewers where we never could've found him again. Heck, I wish I would've left him on his back in the middle of the street so someone could run him over! I – I know I'm a terrible turtle for saying something like that, but – " Just as Mikey was about to tell Raph how much he hated his former pet, the hotheaded turtle stopped his little brother short.

"No, Mikey! You aren't a terrible turtle! You've got every right to say what you just said! And none of this is your fault! This all on me! I'm the reason Spike got turned into that… thing, and I'm the one who said all that awful stuff to make Donnie leave the lair that night, not you! And I'm the reason Slash went after him. I'm the reason he's... he's g – gone. If you're gonna blame someone... blame me." Raph could barely bring himself to complete the last few sentences. The word 'gone' had been nearly impossible to get out. That's because a small part of him thought of 'gone' as another word for 'missing,' but there was a darker part of him starting to think of 'gone' as something much, much worse...

"I don't want to blame you, Raph." Even though Mikey didn't come right out and say he actually held his hotheaded brother responsible for what had happened to Donnie, it had been implied in his muted tone.

"It's okay, little brother. I want you to blame me. Shell, you should hate me for what I did." Tired of everyone pretending as though what had happened wasn't his fault, Raphael felt a strong need to convince Mikey to condemn him for his actions. It's what the turtle in red felt he truly deserved.

"I don't hate you. I could never ever hate you, but – " Mikey's ability to speak temporarily failed him. He cleared his clogged throat and tried again. "What you did... What you said to Donnie. I don't know if... I don't think that I – " Again, Mikey couldn't get the words out, but he didn't have to. His big brother understood what he meant without him having to actually say it.

"You don't have to forgive me, Mikey. I don't expect you to." Reaching out a hand and curling it around Mikey's forearm, Raph watched on helplessly as tears began to gather in his youngest brother's eyes yet again. The sight made the temperamental turtle's jaw clench with self-loathing.

He had made Mikey feel this way...

He had done this to his family...

"I – I'm sorry, Raph," the youngest turtle breathed out, turning his head away from his older brother. Mikey then dropped one hand down to the bed so he could cling to his missing brother's blanket, hoping it might bring him some sense of relief.

Hearing Mikey apologize for something that was no fault of his own reminded Raph of that appalling phone call with Slash. In the back of his mind, the hotheaded turtle could still hear Donnie saying 'I'm sorry' just before that hideous monster had rendered him incapable of speaking. What the heck Donnie and Mikey had to be sorry for Raphael had no clue. All the two of them had been guilty of was being related to the biggest temperamental jerk of all time.

"No… No, I'm sorry, Mikey. Sorry for causing everyone so much pain." As Raph made his apology, he let go of Mikey's arm, once again feeling as though he had no right to make physical contact with his brother.

"I don't want your apology, Raph. I just want our brother back. I want Donnie." Big, blue eyes finding their way back to his older brother's intense stare, Mikey silently pleaded for Raphael to make it better. Anything to make the hurt go away...

"I promise you, little brother, I will find him. And I will bring him home."

The words had been meant to comfort Mikey, but alas, they did not. There was something about the red-masked turtle's tone and the way he had ended the sentence that made the youngest turtle shiver inside his shell. It was as if Raph had intended to say more, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Mikey may not have been the most observant turtle in the lair, but he knew his family was starting to prepare for the worst. He could see it in their eyes and he could tell by the way they barely spoke to each other anymore.

They had lost hope. This crushed the youngest brother's already broken heart.

"He's still alive, Raph. He has to be! Because if he isn't, I... I just don't know what I'd do." Each word fell quieter than the next until there was nothing left of Mikey's voice but his ragged breath.

With gut-wrenching dread, the hotheaded ninja realized he had just allowed his baby brother to pick up on his negative thoughts. Although Raphael hadn't been able to actually bring himself to say the words 'even if it's just his body,' Mikey had obviously seen the despair written on his older brother's face and heard it in his dismal tone.

But maybe it was time for the youngest turtle to accept the truth…

As much as Raph hated himself for thinking that his genius brother was 'gone,' the fact of the matter remained: the longer Donnie was missing, the less likelihood they would find him alive. And if Donnie was indeed 'gone,' that would mean Raphael would single-handedly be responsible for destroying his family.

If this was the case, Raph would never be able to face them ever again.

He would have to leave and never return.

To be continued…

*More Author's Notes: This chapter was hard. Really, really hard… I can't even begin to describe what I was feeling inside.

As some of you may have already noticed, there were several references to my short story, 'Mikey's Worst Move Ever' in this chapter. For those of you who haven't read that story yet, Mikey just summed it up quite nicely for you here.

If you're enjoying 'Slash's Revenge,' please let me know. It would mean a whole lot to me. Even it's just a quick note to say you're still with me...

Thank you all very, very much for reading. Take care.

CJ