One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
A flashback to Drum Island written by AnonUnknown.
=At Wapol's Castle= (Takes place right before the previously posted Drum Island bits in this story)
"Your temperature's down and your complexion has gotten a lot better. The rest of the infection should clear up in just a few days."
"That's a relief." Nami smiled as she sat up on the bed. "So maybe that means I can leave later today and-"
Nami froze when Kureha suddenly held a scalpel to her neck.
"Kak kak kak, I hope you're not forgetting what I said earlier about the only ways my patients leave." Kureha smirked.
"B-But we're in a hurry to-"
"The only place YOU were hurrying to was an early grave, girlie." Kureha interrupted, pushing Nami back down on the bed. "Your treatment isn't finished yet, so you're staying in that bed until I say so. Just keep taking the medicine Chopper gave you and you'll be right as rain in a couple days."
Kureha cackled as Nami sank into her sheets with a grumble. The old woman then kicked out a seat and grabbed her bottle of wine off of the table nearby, taking a swig as she sat down.
"Honestly, I took you for a brighter sort than your fellows, but seeing as you're so willing to piss away my instructions, I guess I pegged you wrong. Then again, after meeting your husband-"
"I already told you he's not my husband!"
"-I guess it's no surprise you'd behave just as recklessly." Kureha continued without pausing.
"Look, I'm not… it's a whole story-"
"Every marriage starts with one."
"WE'RE NOT MARRIED!" Nami shouted angrily. "It's… it's just a stupid joke my crew keeps making only because one of those idiots wrote our names down on FAKE marriage forms. Everyone knows we're not really married."
"Then why does your captain keep saying you are?"
"BECAUSE HE'S THE BIGGEST IDIOT OUT OF ALL OF THEM!"
"Kak kak… an idiot in love maybe."
"Luffy's not in love with me." Nami scoffed. "Really, I don't even know why he keeps telling everyone we're married when I told him several times that-"
"Girl, that boy nearly froze himself to death carrying you through a blizzard and then climbing up a mountain to get you looked at." Kureha said. "Made me promise to 'save his wife' before he passed out from frostbite."
"...He carried Sanji up here too." Nami mumbled.
"Well, he did ask me to help him too," Kureha admitted. "But you were the first one he brought up and he was much more insistent about getting help for you than he was for your other friend. Not that I would blame him. A good husband knows to prioritize his wife above all others."
"You're just embellishing." Nami replied, telling herself that the only reason her face felt so warm was because she was still feverish. "If it had been one of our other friends in my place Luffy would've gone to the same lengths he did for me to get them help."
"Would he?"
"He absolutely would. This isn't anything out of the ordinary for him, it's just how he treats all his friends. Trust me, I know."
"Because you know him best."
"Yes, because I- WAIT, NO, WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?!"
"I'm not implying anything. I'm just calling it the way I see it."
"THEN YOUR EYESIGHT IS TERRIBLE!"
"I'm in the height of my youth and my eyesight is fantastic." Kureha smirked. "I'm actually surprised you aren't bragging to everyone about how far your man went to save you. It wasn't just the frostbite he withered either. Based on some wounds I found on his body while I was patching him up, I think he got into a tussle with some lapahns on the way here. Those are some tough bastards, and definitely the most dangerous animals on Drum Island. He probably took a few hits protecting you from them."
"That's…" Nami trailed off, remembering Sanji had mentioned something about how he and Luffy had run into a pack of large monster rabbits that attacked them.
It sounded silly on paper, but hearing the doctor's comment about how dangerous they apparently were…
"It's not like I'm not grateful for everything he's done for me…" Nami said softly.
It was just another thing she had to add to her mental list of the amazing things Luffy had pulled off since she met him… and that list was getting strangely long the more their adventure progressed. Granted, she didn't think there was anything Luffy could do that would ever top freeing her and her village from Arlong and destroying Arlong Park… but given his current track record, Nami wasn't sure if that would be a definitive bet or not.
"I'm still decades away from considering marriage myself, but if he weren't already attached to you I might've been tempted to try my luck." Kureha went on. "Kid seems a bit dim, but I can tell he's got a big heart, so good on you for winning it."
"Ugh, I keep telling you I'm not-"
"If anything, this'll be one hell of a story to tell your kids one day. Daddy saving mommy from a sickness that would've killed her in five days by trekking through a blizzard and scaling a mountain to get her to a doctor sounds like it'd be a kicker."
"KIDS?!" Nami exploded. "I…! Him…! That's not…!"
"Oh, is that not a topic that's been discussed between the two of you yet?"
"WHO'D HAVE A KID WITH THAT IDIOT?!"
"I assume you would, you being his wife and all."
"FOR THE LAST TIME, WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY MARRIED!"
"Doctorina, is everything okay?" Chopper asked, poking his head in the room. "I heard screaming."
"Never you mind, Chopper. Just having some girl talk with my patient." Kureha replied with a grin.
"As long as she's still getting proper rest." Chopper said fretfully as he walked in and smoothed out some of Nami's bedsheets. "You may be over the worst of it now, but there could still be bacteria in your system. Don't stress yourself!"
"I'd be less stressed if I had a different doctor." Nami grumbled, glaring at Kureha who only cackled in response. She smiled at the talking reindeer. "I prefer you to her. Your bedside manners are way better than her."
"B-Better than Kureha?! Aw shucks, I'm just doing my best! D-Don't say things you don't actually mean!"
Nami giggled as Chopper grew bashful. "Say, that offer is still on the table if you want to join up with us. We've been looking for a doctor for our crew and this whole experience really drove home how badly we need one."
"T-That's…"
Any response Chopper may have given was cut off by the door slamming open.
"I FOUND THE DEER!" Luffy bellowed.
"AAAUGH!" Chopper screamed and dove in the space between Luffy's legs and took off down the hall.
"Darn, he's quick! Hey Sanji, he's going that way!"
"I'm on it, captain!" The cook yelled as he sped past the doorway, chasing Chopper down the hall.
"LUFFY!" Nami shouted, making the man pause before he would have dashed back out the door to follow Sanji. "I already told you to stop harassing Chopper! You two trying to eat him after everything he did for me is terrible!"
"I'm not though!" Luffy argued. "Sanji and I are just trying to catch him so we can convince him to join the crew!"
"Yelling and chasing him around all the time isn't going to do anything to convince him to do anything, you idiot!"
"Tch, all of you trying to poach my reindeer…" Kureha muttered as she poured herself another drink.
"Never mind that." Luffy waved off as he approached Nami's bedside. "Are you feeling any better today?"
Seeing him look so concerned all of a sudden actually touched the navigator a bit, and Nami gave Luffy a reassuring smile in response.
"Much, much better. I'd say I'm feeling good enough to leave…" Nami trailed off when she noticed Kureha twirling a scalpel in her hand. "...But I'll give it another day or so to make absolutely sure that I've kicked this illness from my system."
"I can go get Sanji if you need something kicked."
Nami snorted a laugh. "It was a figure of speech, moron."
"Still, you let me know if you need anything, okay?" Luffy said, surprising Nami when he reached down to hold her hand. Crouching next to her, he shot her a big smile. "I couldn't get anywhere without you, so if there's anything I can do to help make you get better faster just tell me!"
"W-Well, I am your navigator so it figures you couldn't get anywhere until I'm better. Especially not with Zoro's sense of direction." Nami babbled, looking everywhere except Luffy's eyes.
"Hm? Well, there's that too." Luffy nodded before he suddenly pulled Nami in for a hug. "But I meant more that I wouldn't know what to do if something bad happened to you."
"L-Luffy?!" Nami gasped, shocked at the gesture.
"I mean, something bad did happen to you. You got really, really sick and all," Luffy continued as he embraced her. "But I'm glad I was able to fix it. Or find some who could fix it anyway. It's why I'm gonna get that reindeer to be our doctor! That way if something like this happens again I know you'll be taken care of!"
Luffy pulled back and gave Nami a beaming smile.
"I'm SUPER happy that you're feeling better, Nami! Seeing you looking healthy again is better than… than seeing a big feast cooked by Sanji!"
A comment like that would have sounded totally bizarre from literally anyone else. But since it came from Luffy, and because she knew how much he loved food, the words made Nami blush to the tips of her ears.
She felt her face heat up even more when from over Luffy's shoulder she noticed Kureha smirking at them. "Y-You idiot, let go!"
"Yowch!" Luffy squawked, letting Nami go and falling down after she clocked him on the head. Instead of getting upset, he just smiled even bigger. "Shishi, you really must be feeling better if you can hit me like that! I'm glad!"
Nami just gaped at him.
"Alright, Mr. Husband, step away from my patient for now." Kureha chuckled. "It's best to keep your paws off her and save the hanky-panky until she's fully recovered."
Nami sputtered at the comment. "Hey, you…!"
Luffy gave his response before she could muster one.
"Okay! I'm gonna go back to finding the reindeer." Luffy smiled as he sprang to his feet. "Oh, maybe I'll ask Sanji to tell me about this hanky panky thing while I'm at it. Whatever it is, we can do it when you're all better, okay Nami?"
Before Nami could reply to THAT statement, Luffy was out the door already shouting at the top of his lungs.
"HEY, REINDEER! YOU'RE GONNA BE MY CREWMATE! YOU'LL BE THE SHIP DOCTOR! IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!"
Luffy's voice trailed off as he disappeared deeper into the castle.
"...Keh, he says that like it's already a sure thing. That child's got a lot of baggage so convincing him to join up with you is an uphill battle if you ask me." Kureha said with a solemn expression before shrugging and turning back to face Nami. The navigator tensed when the old woman smirked again. "Though seeing how he takes care of you, at least I'd know Chopper would be in safe hands if he did become your ship's doctor."
"...Do you relentlessly tease all your patients like this, or is it just me?" Nami complained, flopping back onto her pillow with a blushing face.
"You just make it so easy, girl!" Kureha laughed. "For you to act this shy about it, your marriage must be a pretty recent one, eh?"
"I'll say this one more time," Nami growled. "We. Are. NOT. MARRIED!"
"You look pretty married from where I'm sitting." Kureha quipped.
"Grrrrr…!"
When Wapol and his cronies attacked the castle the next day, it actually came as a relief for Nami since it took Kureha's focus away from her. When Luffy defeated and kicked the corrupt king off the island, the subsequent celebration hosted by the villagers was a nice cap off to her recovery.
…Though every villager telling her how amazing her husband was for freeing them from Wapol's tyranny almost made Nami wish her sickness had killed her after all.
Omake: Buggy Stream
We open on Buggy sitting on the couch. Behind him, the wall is still being repaired by Galdino.
"Well, last week's stream got cut short and due to some... Little issues, we don't have a guest this week," Buggy explained. He held up a finger.
"INSTEAD! We are introducing a new segment entitled 'How Screwed Is This Man'? And today's featured man is..."
Buggy holds up a poster of Fleet Admiral Sakazuki.
"Fleet Admiral Sakazuki, previously known as Akainu! The Red Dog! GALDINO!"
The former Mister 3 of Baroque Works finished waxing up the walls into a pleasant white, and hurriedly sat down with Buggy.
"Yes Captain?"
"Tell me," Buggy said, holding the poster of the Fleet Admiral up, "How Screwed Is This Man?"
Galdino screamed briefly, and then shook his head into a blur.
"Keep it away from me! I don't even want to be near a picture of that guy! I'm terrified, Captain! I'm totally terrified for this man! His funeral is gonna be closed casket! At best!"
Buggy nodded, and beamed out at the audience.
"Of course my loyal viewers must be saying, 'Buggy, you're so insanely handsome and amazing, but what are you talking about? This is the Fleet Admiral! The Magma Fist! Red Dog Genocide! Absolute Justice Himself! Who does he have to fear?"
Buggy dropped the poster and bugged out his eyes at the Den-Den Mushi recording him.
"Strawhat Luffy and his crew literally kicked the asses of Arlong, Crocodile, CP-9, MORIA GEKKO, and led an invasion of Impel Down, got out, and invaded Marineford! This kid unlocked Conqueror's Haki! ALL before those two years when he and his crew were laying low! Since then, he's only gotten stronger!"
"He kicked your ass too, Captain-GURK!" Galdino was punched by one of Buggy's fists.
"He did all of this for strangers who were nice to him, his crewmates, and his wife," Buggy went on, "ALL OF THAT! For stuff what wasn't even personally related to him except for the last thing!"
Buggy held up the poster of Akainu again. He tapped it urgently.
"THIS MAN LITERALLY MURDERED HIS BROTHER IN FRONT OF HIM!" Buggy shouted. "THIS MAN HAS SENT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE HE CAN TO TRY AND TAKE OUT STRAWHAT'S FAMILY! WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA DO TO THIS MAN WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE?!"
"The betting is now open!" Galdino cheered, as Alvida pushed a blackboard behind them, "Will Strawhat Luffy merely break this man into many pieces, or flatten him?"
"And what will set it off?" Buggy interjected, elbowing Galdino out of the center of view of the camera, "Will Red Dog Genocide try to kidnap Strawhat's daughter? His wife? His cook? He tries any of those, I guarantee, the World Government will be in ruins in a month. Tops!"
Buggy shook his head sadly at the camera.
"Honestly, there are easier ways to commit suicide."
"I mean, I'd pity him," Galdino said, elbowing Buggy away again, "But this man seems to be going out of his way for a beating! Most people who have fought Strawhat, next time they meet him, they go 'Nah'. Cause we LEARNED our lesson! This man seems to want that SMOKE! But he's gonna be SMOKED when Strawhat gets him!"
"Wha-What kind of a phrase is that? Smoke? What?!" Buggy demanded, shoving his subordinate back to the corner of the couch. Galdino shrugged.
"He's a Magma man, so it's a joke!"
"IT'S A TERRIBLE JOKE! ONLY I JOKE AROUND HERE!" Buggy snarled.
"Yes, you do only make terrible jokes," Alvida tossed in. Buggy winced but then laughed.
"YES! VERY FUNNY, ALVIDA! You're such a tease! ANYWAY!" Buggy held up the poster again. "Considering how fast Strawhat's been growing and what he's tangling with in the New World? Fleet Admiral Sakazuki is officially... SCREWED!"
Buggy beamed at the camera.
"Now, call into our Den-Den Mushi Betting line to enter Buggy Delivery's new enterprise, Buggy Bets! Now offering unlimited bets for a low monthly fee, you have the chance to win BILLIONS on just how Screwed This Man Is! Bet on this and many, many other bets! As many as you can afford! That's Buggy Bets! The ad break will tell you more!"
"And after," Galdino stated, trying to shove Buggy out of the way, "We will continue to talk about... HOW SCREWED IS THIS MAN?"
"No, no, we already did that, STOP HOGGING THE CAMERA! THIS IS MY SHOW, DAMNIT!"