A/N: Alright, here we go.

Another little drabble that may or may not become a story in the future. Had a lot of fun writing this one, so I do hope you like it.

Should this be one? What say you? Yay? Nay? By all means, speak up! Make yourselves heard!

Once again, this is "NGH" Naruto at work. Makes things more interesting that way.

Then again, I'm awfully blunt in this chapter, so its easy to see...

As ever I own no quotes, references, themes or memes!

So in lieu of a wordy author's note...readysetgo!

Oh, and big-honking Castlevania reference...

"Counseling was far less destructive in my day."

~Intervention.

Counselor of Remnant

Three immortals met for dinner.

Ozpin pinched the brow of his nose.

...why did we agree to this scheme again?"

"You didn't." A tan hand came down down on the Headmaster's shoulder when he tried to rise, forcing him back down into his seat. "Unfortunately, you don't have much say in the matter, either. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. We're going to be here awhile."

The immortal did his best not to scowl. He really, truly did.

Alas, he failed miserably. "Be that as it may...I fail to see why you brought her here."

Salem sat across from him, sprawled on a plush couch of her own. A cluster of grapes dangled from one pale hand, to which she painstakingly plucked them from the vine and savor each one by one. It felt like an ill omen indeed. Despite her relaxed position, her expression was nothing short of thunderous. Narrow red eyes regarded him intently, waiting for even the slightest sign of weakness.

"Whatever is the matter, Ozma? Are you afraid?"

"Of you?" the headmaster scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Certainly not.

"Is that so?" She regarded him intently "You seemed quite terrified the last time we met."

"Well." Their "host" if he could truly be called such, rolled their eyes. "Seems we're off to a lovely start this evening..."

Tall and slim with striking blue eyes and whiskered cheeks framed by tawny blond hair, he looked utterly harmless...if one were to ignore the pale orange-and-black robes here wore alongside the horns jutting from his head. They told a different story. Ozpin knew him well enough; he'd been wandering their world for the better part of three centuries now. And here? Now? In this very moment?

Naruto didn't look much pleased.

"Still," he plonked down into a chair of his own, and crossed one leg over the other. "Talking is good. Best to get this all out now."

Salem snatched a goblet of wine off the table and drank deeply.

Naruto sighed. "Silence will get you nowhere. You you two will talk things out, or so help me I will lock you both in a closet!"

She scoffed. "I can wait. Do your worst."

Silence pervaded the room.

"Is that so?" Naruto cocked his head and smiled. "Right, time has no meaning for either of you. Perhaps I should up the ante."

He raised a hand. Ozpin flinched.

Erk...

Blast him. If he wasn't so strong, they might have been able to do something.

Realizing she wouldn't speak unless pressed, Ozpin took the initiative. "It all began with her-

"No, it was most assuredly you who began this madness." the Queen of the Grimm inspected her nails. "You died. I missed you. I mourned you. I could accept that." her eyes hardened. "What I could not accept was you trying to run away with my girls in the middle of the night!"

Ozpin scowled. "You wanted to conquer the world!"

"To bring peace!"

He flung up his arms. "The two are mutually exclusive!"

"You both made mistakes that night." Naruto put in. "What matters is that you each acknowledge your guilt and move past it-

Salem winged her now empty chalice off the blond's head. It struck his skull with a harsh crack, sending a thin line of blood running down the length of his temples.

Their counselor looked down. Picked up the cup. Sighed as he set it upon the table once more..

"That was unnecessary, Salem."

"No, this is unnecessary." a pale hand waved about the office, fingers crackling with dark magic. "If you think the two of us will make peace because you wish it, then you are sorely mistaken."

"I must concur."

Twin hands descended on both their heads, cutting them well short. "Children, the both of you!"

"Excuse me?" Ozpin bridled. "We have lived for thousands of years it not more-

"And clearly, you've ot learned a damn thing from any of it!" their host shook his head. "Maybe it was foolish to think you could talk this out." he looked through his fingers, regarding them with tired blue eyes. "Maybe I should just kill the two of you and be done with it."

Salem frowned. "I cannot die."

...yes." those blue eyes turned gold. "You can. You just don't realize it."

Ozpin jerked back."You would kill us, then? For failing to have proper discourse over this?"

"I would kill you because you don't do enough." their counselor set his notepad down. "You haven't for years now. I'm a clever counselor, Ozpin." a clawed finger stabbed at his chest. "I'm a committed counselor. Before that, I was a soldier. I didn't go to pageants. I didn't play games. I fight wars, both on and off the battlefield. Do either of you know what war is?"

Salem turned her nose up at him and huffed.

Ozpin felt his brow burrow. Where was he going with this."I am familiar with the term, yes."

"No. You're not." that jagged digit pricked the fabric of his suit, drawing blood. "War, is when you kill so many of the other side that they can't fight you anymore. Prancing around on a meadow, isn't war." his would-be killer gave him a shove, slamming him against the chair. "Stealing into a tent and cutting every throat in sight is war." his gaze stabbed into Salem, rooting her where she stood. "Poisoning wells is war. Killing every man, woman, and child in a town and then disappearing. That. Is. War. And war? War never changes.

He shook his head.

"War is for winning." he clicked his teeth angrily, producing a harsh click as his fangs flashed at them. "War is for tracking your enemies down into their hidey holes and surprising them to death. That's what I do. That's what I've done. And you two, sitting there flapping your gums and posing. You're all about wit." as they looked on he stood, his shadow looming large of them both. "Charming, clever words, desperate for people to admire you. Too much of the damaged, needy humans in you. You're not adults. You're children. Petty kids squabbling because someone took your toys away."

As they looked on aghast, he plucked a scroll from is pocket.

"In this world, I fight, because I have to." he unfurled it, bit his thumb and laid it out before them. "I take everything my enemies have, every last drop, and then I hunt for more." Blood scrawled across its pristine white surface, summoning smoke. "I am not a counselor as you understand the word. Before that? I am a FUCKING shinobi. And you two have been drinking poisoned wine for the last five minutes." with a wave of his hand he paralyzed them both, sending the two sprawling to the floor. "For all your fancy words and arguments, you're are clearly children. So children you will be.

He raised a phone to his ear.

"Raven. Portal, please.

A crimson portal opened in reality.

He stepped back as the smoke consumed their prone forms.

"Neither of you will leave this room. Until you sort out your issues." his voice rose as they began to hack and cough, their forms already much diminished. "Time has no meaning here. No more magic, no more powers, no more any of it! Start talking. Don't worry. I'll take good care of Remnant in your absence...and I think I'll start by seducing anything with two legs." he flicked a wink over his shoulder. "Ciao~!"

A high pitched voice chased after him. "You can't do this to us...!"

"Can! Am! Have!" he stepped into the void. "Fix your shit, runts. You have all the time in the world."

His peace said and purpose fulfilled. Naruto slipped away, uncaring for the indignant shouts of two very irate children.

A/N: READ THIS LEST YE BE CONFUSED!

This one got a little silly towards the end, but a little levity's always entertaining.

Felt good to write something a little more laid back...or was it?

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Revieeew... Would You Kindly?

They keeps an old man alive.

And as ever, a warning!

SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER!

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

PLOT DETAILS AHOY!

(Potential stuff)

Wielding a scythe was harder than it looked, especially when you were angry. But hey, she'd cut the tree down, right? Bonus points!

"Hey, watch it!" A boy with blond hair popped up where the stump had been. "You almost took my head off!"

Ruby blinked. "Were you...in that tree?"

"Who are you?!"

Naruto grinned. "You know me. I've been watching you for awhile, now. Guiding you. We're old friends now...

"So, what's on my intinerary today, Hazel? Anything important?"

"You have a meeting at five o' clock, sir."

"You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day off. Say hi to Gretchen for me. She's due this month, right?"

A small smile creased the giant's face. "She's going to have twins, sir."

Naruto grumbled, but it lacked ranco. "Jeez, ya save a man's sister and he doesn't stop calling ya sir...

"She's adamant about naming one of them after you."

The vigilante fell out of his chair. "ME?!"

"I belive her exact words were, my kids, my names. She'll only name the girl Naruko, that's no so bad...

R&R~!