"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." ~ Coco Chanel

"Our life is made by the death of others." ~ Leonardo Da Vinci

Chapter 2

As I start to walk over to my desk, I pass Garcia. She gives me a small smile and walks into Hotch's office. I'm not entirely sure if she is going in there to talk about me or a case. Either way, she seems to be missing her usual spark. Definitely not looking like it's going to be a good day.

I look up as I make my way to my desk, noticing JJ is leaning against my desk waiting for me. God she is beautiful. I try to school my features as I calmly make my way to my desk. As I sit down in my chair, I look up and notice Rossi sitting by himself near the coffee maker. I make a mental note to speak with him later. Something seems off with him this morning, though I'm not sure now whether that has to do with his newly rekindled relationship with Caroline, or with what I just found out from Hotch.

"Hey Em, how was your weekend?" JJ quietly asks.

"It was good. You?" I reply, glancing up to meet her eyes. Nope, shouldn't have done that. Those beautiful blue eyes catch mine as she smiles at me. I swear, between her eyes and that smile, I don't know if my heart can take it.

"It was good. I tried to call you a couple of times. I was hoping we could get together, but I kept getting your voicemail" she said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I saw that you called, but didn't get a chance to call you back. I knew it wasn't about work, since you always text me if it has something to do with a case" I reply. I heard the phone ringing every time, but couldn't make myself answer it. I knew she wouldn't leave a message unless it was about work. I just wasn't up to talking to her. Between everything that was going on this weekend, and how I feel about her, it was easier and safer for both of us that way. Plus, I was being a coward.

"Maybe if we don't get a case today, do you wanna go for drinks after work?" She asks.

I avoid answering her directly, and point out the conversation between Garcia and Hotch. "Well, by the looks of that conversation, I'm guessing we have a case."

I would love to go out for drinks with her, but I can't. Being around her just reminds me of how close we used to be, and how we aren't anymore. God, she is absolutely stunning today. Propped up against my desk; I wonder if she realizes the affect she has on me? She probably does. I wonder sometimes if she gets off by purposely turning me on whenever she can? I shake my head clear of my rambling thoughts when I realize she has started talking. So I try to once again to school my features and focus on the conversation, instead of the skirt she is wearing, which has started sliding up her slightly parted legs on my desk.

"I so don't miss that face. No matter how many cases we solve, there's always more" JJ quietly states.

"Insert Dr. Reid's statistic about active serial killers at any given time here" I interject.

"Reid?" JJ whistles to get Reid's attention. "Spencer..."

"There's something wrong" Reid quietly replies.

"Why do you say that?" JJ replies.

"He's been reading the same page for 16 minutes and 24 seconds" Reid answers.

"Maybe it's a really good article" I attempt an explanation.

"It's never taken him longer than 11 minutes, 17 seconds to turn a page" Reid further explains his reasoning.

My surprised response "You time how long it..."

I look up to see JJ shaking her head at me with a smile, so I stop my question and finish by asking, "What's your theory?"

"I'm extrapolating probabilities as we speak" Reid concludes while looking at his watch, walking away from us and towards Rossi.

JJ and I follow Reid towards Rossi, in an attempt to discover what Reid might have "extrapolated". I had noticed earlier that something seemed off with Rossi. I just hope whatever has him so distracted has nothing to do with my situation with Lucas.

"Oh, hey. Rossi, you think you could help me with a consult for Wildwood PD?" Morgan walks in, finding Rossi blankly staring at the newspaper.

"Uh, sure" Rossi distractedly replies.

"Now, that I noticed" JJ half-heartedly jokes. Too bad she doesn't seem to notice how her never-ending flirtatious behavior affects me.

"Is something going on?" Morgan asks.

"How did it go the other night?" I ask, trying to deflect in case the reason for his distraction has anything to do with me.

"What happened the other night?" Morgan inquires.

"You Ok?" Reid inquires.

"Well, why wouldn't I be?" Rossi replies.

"You seem…distracted" JJ replies, glancing back over her shoulder at me.

"Just a late night, that's all" Rossi responds.

"Guys…conference room" Hotch calls to us.

Everyone turns to head to the conference room. I wait behind so I can speak with Rossi privately. "You sure you're okay Rossi?" I whisper as we begin walking towards the conference room.

"Honestly, no. I'll talk to you about it later though Emily. Did Hotch get a chance to talk to you this morning?" Rossi whispered in reply.

"Yeah. Everything is sorted out for now. And whenever you want to talk, I'm here" I reply.

"I know, and thanks Emily. The same goes for you too though" Rossi quickly replies as we walk into the conference room together, taking our seats.

The briefing was routine, but at the end, Hotch motioned for me to stay. Garcia and him were the only ones left in the room. I knew then it had something to do with Lucas. He said "I gave all of your security information to Garcia. She's already gotten into your system and has started monitoring all of your cameras."

Garcia gave me a sad smile and pulled me into a quick hug, saying "I'm going to make sure that nothing happens to you, Em. We weren't able to help you before. But this time, you aren't alone. And I promise, I won't say anything, unless you say it's okay. Okay?"

Hugging Garcia back, I nod and say "Thanks Garcia. I really appreciate it." With that, I turn and start to walk out of the conference room, but notice that JJ has caught my interaction with Hotch and Garcia. No doubt, she will wonder what we were discussing, and why Garcia felt the need to offer me a hug. Hopefully, she will let the issue drop, but knowing her, she probably won't. I quickly exit the room, grabbing my go-bag so I can head to the jet with everyone else. Yep, definitely going to be a long day.

The case we were briefed on started off normally enough, this one in California. Three victims were drowned, and one was missing. By the time we were on the jet headed to our destination, the missing man was found dead. Reid and I went to the ME's office to see what we could discover. The ME was able to provide us with some interesting leads, though the topic of CPR and multiple resuscitations seemed to affect Reid. In reality, those topics bother me as well; though I didn't let on they had any effect on me. I really don't want anyone to realize that I have any connection to the topic of requiring CPR. We all know what happened with Reid and Tobias Hankel because we all had to witness it. No one needs to know anything about what has happened to me over the years.

Unfortunately, my intention of keeping everything to myself didn't work out the way I planned. I slipped up and crossed the line. I let my walls down a little too low and opened up one of my hidden compartments. My team couldn't understand what our UnSub wanted to learn from his victims, by talking to them after bringing them back to life. I understood his motivations a little too well.

I hadn't planned on saying anything to them. At least anything that would be too personal; anything that would lead them to believe I had anything other than a passing knowledge or theory as to why our UnSub was behaving in the manner he was. Unfortunately, sometimes, your brain overrides your better judgment and you say things out loud that you normally wouldn't. I screwed up and said too much.

The conversation started off normally enough, but quickly got out of hand.

Morgan stated, disbelievingly, "Come on, guys.

Gentle lights, shadowy figures?

Those are the lights in the emergency room and the doctors hovering over the patients.

We all know that.

No one actually sees the afterlife."

Reid shook his head in disagreement. "I did.

Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me, I had that exact experience.

And I wasn't in an emergency room.

I was in a shed."

"Reid, you never told me that." Morgan replied, surprised by Reid's admission.

Reid quickly explained, "I'm a man of science.

I didn't know how to deal with it.

There's no quantifiable proof that God exists, and yet, in that moment I was faced with something that I couldn't explain.

I still can't."

Realizing that I could relate to Reid's experience, I completely understood what he was trying to tell everyone, especially Morgan, who didn't seem to fully comprehend the explanation. I tried to expand on Reid's explanation by adding what I thought the UnSub was trying to accomplish.

"He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before." I added, without giving too much away, regarding how I came to this understanding.

"Once isn't enough?" JJ looked to me, inquiring.

I glanced over to JJ, then back down at my hands, quietly answering her question in my head.

It wasn't for me. Even with more than one experience of my own, I still have no idea what the afterlife really has in store for me. I can only guess at this point. If our UnSubs' experiences are anything like mine, he's probably just as curious as I am. The only difference is that he's killing people to find out the answer to his question. I'm just plagued by nightmares about my experiences and lingering questions.

Realizing that everyone had been looking at me for a reply, I quickly continued "Not if the victim didn't see the same thing the UnSub did. He wants to know if the experience can change. I can relate to that. But..." I stopped speaking immediately as I glanced up, noticing everyone's shocked expression. I should have never said I can relate, but they just weren't getting it. I couldn't tell them what I had been thinking earlier, but telling them that I could relate to the UnSub obviously wasn't much better. Now the problem was that I had said too much. They're going to expect more details, based on the looks I'm getting.

Ahhh…Fuck it…guess I don't have a choice now…"Reid felt a warmth and saw a light.

When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness.

And I would like to think that there's a different future waiting for me." I quickly explain as I glance around the table. Damn it. I didn't want to tell them all of that, but they didn't understand what I was trying to say. I hate the way they are all looking at me with those looks of pity, sadness, and something else I can't quite figure out. I can't stand looking weak. Please…someone change the subject.

Opening up about one of my own experiences wasn't part of my plan. I realized as soon as I did, they understood Chase's motivation. But, they also looked at me differently as well. Once I finished my explanation, I knew they had caught a glimpse behind some of my walls, and inside some of those compartments, that I usually had hidden from everyone. I used to be so much better at hiding that side of myself. Clearly, I had lost some of my ability to compartmentalize somewhere along the way.

Seeing my team look at me with pity was something I never wanted. I tried to slam those compartments closed again…lock them back up tight and put the walls back up, but it was too late. They already saw what I never wanted to show anyone. Thankfully, the subject was changed before anyone could ask too many questions. The only one to have a chance to ask anything was Reid.

"You actually died?" Reid quietly asked. Shit. He looks so sad.

I think he knew the answer though by the look on my face. I think they all did. But, I deflected and avoided a direct answer.

Morgan, sensing my discomfort, stepped in and stated "All right, but resuscitation is hit or miss. He can't guarantee that he can actually bring anyone back, let alone that anyone will remember what happened in their moment so-called death.

"Reid, what's the best way to make sure his victims had an experience?" Hotch asked.

"Keep them dead longer." Reid replied, still looking at me for my reply to his earlier question.

I wish I were dead or at least invisible at this point. I just hope he lets the subject drop. I can't take that sad look on his face, or anyone else's right now.

I look up and see Rossi in one of the offices. The look on his face tells me that something else is going on. I step away to speak with him. That takes the focus away from me and this awkward conversation. Plus, I can see that Rossi needs to talk.

"I take it that phone call wasn't good news?" I quietly ask.

"It was Caroline. She has ALS" Rossi sadly whispers.

"Rossi, I'm- what do you need?" I stutter my response. I wasn't expecting that, though that explains why he was so distracted the other morning. I hate to see him so upset. I know he was hoping for another chance with her. Now that's been taken from him.

"It's not what I need, Emily. It's what she's asking me to do. The disease is acting quickly. Caroline is already suffering, and she doesn't want to go out that way. She wants to die on her own terms. And when this case is over and we get back... She asked if I would help her do it" Rossi quietly states.

I know how Caroline must feel. I have felt the same way, though under completely different circumstances. I didn't want to die in a hospital either. That's why I asked Derek, in that warehouse, to just let me go. When it's time for me to die, I would want the exact same thing. I would want it to be on my terms, not because someone else or something else took the choice away from me. Maybe that's because I'm a control freak, who knows. Either way, I can't imagine what Rossi must be feeling. Even if I made the same decision that Caroline did, I don't think I could ever ask someone else to be involved.

My sad reply "What are you gonna do?"

"I don't have a choice" Rossi quietly whispers his reply.

As much as it breaks his heart, Rossi is so understanding and empathic, he simply can't let Caroline die alone. I admire that about him. I'm not sure I would be able to be that strong. I couldn't ask someone to be there when I die, knowing how much pain that would cause them. Nor do I think I could be strong enough to hold someone I loved so deeply slip away. And people wonder why I have so many walls built up around my heart. It is to protect myself from getting hurt, just like Rossi will end up getting hurt, yet again.